Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

So tell me. How was Hawaii?

-It was unbelievable. -Oh, yeah?

-Well, what happened? -I met this guy.

It was the best week of my life.

It was just a little vacation romance.

But he was so sweet.

He took me to all these cool local places.

We went scuba diving...

-...snorkeling... -... mountain climbing.

IN CHINESE: We went cliff diving.

Well, we got a little drunk.

-He gave me... -...a back rub.

We slow danced...

...in the rain.

But it wasn't just about the sex.

IN CHINESE: He pounded me like a mallard duck.

You know, it ended kind of weird, though.

When I asked for his phone number, he told me he's...

-... married. -...gay.

-...entering the priesthood. -... he doesn't believe in phones.

He just kind of ran away.

You know, it was just a little fling, but...

...I will never forget my week...

...with Henry Roth.

-Henry Roth. -Harry.

Harry Paratesticles.

-Henry Roth. -Henry Roth.

-Henry Roth. -Henry Roth.

Henry Roth, why didn't you tell me you were a secret agent?

I prefer intelligence operative, and I couldn't tell you until I thought I knew you.

Well, can I call you when I land?

You can call me, but I'll be in Peru. Ooh, I said that a little loud.

Come on, that's a 187, code blue. We got the wolf sleeping at night.

He's slipping his right arm in the drawer and out comes the cookie jar. All clear.

Bling-blang, walla-walla bing bang. Got it? Zzzt.

Well, maybe when you get back from Peru.

-I don't think that's an option, Lisa. -Linda.

I know. I changed your name for your protection.

-Oh. -We have to go our separate ways now.

Well, goodbye.

Got it! Moving out!

[♪♪♪]

[HENRY GRUNTS]

-What the hell is your problem? -Hey.

Just keep going, I'll give you $20.

-You got it. How's your balls? -Killing me. Hit it.

[♪♪♪]

[SQUEAKING]

MAN: Easy, Honah Lee.

[MAN GROANING]

Hey, I'm a person, not a seal, huh?

Well, I am a vet, not a doctor. So just hold still, or I won't give you a treat.

I know, it's okay. You see that, kids?

You see what happens when you play with sharks?

Now, why you gotta spread those lies? Sharks are like dogs.

They only bite when you touch their private parts.

-Okay. -Hey, that's a good title

for my documentary.

Sharks: They Only Bite When You Touch Their Private Parts.

Or you could call it, Sharks: They Tried to Eat My Kidney.

ULA: All right, enough already.

[QUACKING]

You too, Willie.

Keev-a hee-yoo walla poi poi.

All of you, huh?

Ooh, he just cast a spell on us.

All right. You're gonna have to put this on four times a day for two weeks.

-You can handle that. -What's wrong with that turtle?

He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed,

which is bad for you. Right, Ula?

What? I don't smoke weed.

-Hey, Honah Lee? HENRY: Uh-huh.

How's that hot wahine nympho from Ohio, huh?

She's great. I dropped her off at the airport this morning.

Oh, come on, I need some details.

You get some booby, some assy, a pull on your poi-poi? Come on.

Daddy, what's a nympho?

Oh. The nympho is the state bird of Ohio.

KIDS: Oh.

You're the state idiot of Hawaii.

Here you go, Willie. Bite the fish, chew the fish, love the fish. Yeah, enjoy.

ULA: You crack me up, kamaaina. -Oh, yeah?

-You know, one of these days -Yeah?

You're gonna show one of those tourists such a good time,

she'll wanna stay on the island, bro.

Now, why do you say such mean things to me like that,

and why is your foot on my pillow?

I don't want your ass on it, either. Get up! Get up!

-It could happen. -Mm-hm.

Then you won't be able to go on your big boat trip to Alaska.

You'll be stuck here, waking up next to the same old, ugly broad, just like Ula.

-Just kidding, guys. -About the old part or the ugly part?

Henry, come quickly! It's Jocko!

[♪♪♪]

[DOLPHIN SQUEAKING]

Jocko! What's going on with you, buddy?

[JOCKO GROANING]

Don't be scared. Everything's gonna be fine.

Just stay calm. All right.

Willie, I don't need you to see this. Get out of here, now!

Okay, check the temperature of the pool. Go! Hurry!

Alexa, what are you doing? I meant check the thermometer!

Give me a hand. Let's go!

I need you to get me two fish from the barrel. Now.

ALEXA: Okay. HENRY: Just hang in there.

ALEXA: Here. -It's gonna be all right.

That's a little warm. Go to the bottom of the barrel, please.

Okay, there. That's good. Thank you.

Come on, buddy, take it. Take it.

-He's not responding! -I know, Alexa!

Sorry, I smacked you with that. You needed the fish-slap to calm down.

-Do you understand? Are you calm? -Yes. Yes. Fish-slap calm me.

Okay, now, I'm gonna try to get him breathing manually, okay?

So I need your face right next to his mouth to see if it's working.

-Are you ready? -Yes.

-One, two, three! -Nothing, nothing!

All right, all right!! We're gonna try it one more time. If it doesn't work we'll perform an emergency tracheotomy.

We don't wanna do that, so let's pray this works. One more to three.

One, two--

[BELCHING]

Oh!

Yikes. That's a-- That's a lot of vomit.

This is why I got into this business.

To save sea animals.

You should go wash yourself off, okay?

Maybe try some turpentine. That might take the stink away.

Yeah, high-five is right, buddy.

I knew you were gonna burp, but the vomit thing was awesome!

That's what she gets for eating my roast beef sandwich.

Willie, did you see that?

[HENRY WHOOPING]

[♪♪♪]

HENRY: Captain's log: November 5th, 6:45 a.m.

I've taken the Sea Serpent for a trip around the island of Oahu.

It is by far the longest voyage she has yet undertaken,

and its successful completion will signal that she's ready

for our great journey to Bristol Bay,

whose unspoiled walrus habitat will yield an abundance of--

[CRACKING]

[YELLS]

Damn it!

Are you kidding me?

[BOB MARLEY'S "COULD YOU BE LOVED" PLAYS]

Oh, aloha, honey. What can I get for you?

I guess I'll take a cup of coffee.

-You guess? -Yeah, I already ate breakfast.

I just need to kill some time before the Coast Guard gets here to tow my boat.

What did you eat?

I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and some Gatorade.

They're not breakfast. I get you Spam and eggs.

Nick, I need Spam and eggs.

[BELL RINGS]

Hey.

-You like the peanut butter cups? -Uh, yes.

You want for me to put peanut butter cups in your eggs?

No, that's okay.

Peanut butter cups.

[♪♪♪]

-Hey, Sue, nice haircut. -Mahalo, Lucy.

Are you staring at me or her?

Because you're starting to freak me out.

Settle down and eat your pancakes, huh?

[♪♪♪]

[GROANING]

I think she's a local girl. I wanted to go up to her,

but I was kind of off my game. But, man, oh, man, was she cute, though.

I thought you liked your bitches from out of state.

Yeah, that's usually my policy. Make sure I don't get tied down.

Freeze that image right there.

There's the little fella. Congratulations, Mommy.

ALEXA: Sounds to me like someone is afraid of commitment.

Let me guess.

Your high school sweetheart got drunk at party,

then cheated on you with whole wrestling team.

Close. Actually, it was my college girlfriend Tracy.

And it wasn't a wrestling team. It was her academic advisor.

-Oh, she liked the older man. -Older women. About 50 years older.

I hope you shot the stupid tramp.

What's with the "tramp" and the "bitches" talk?

-Are you drunk or something? -I apologize for nasty talk.

I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.

-Ooh. -Shut up, because here comes

one-time-only opportunity.

What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.

[GROWLING]

Next move is up to you.

I may not be as limber as I once was,

but, yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment, huh?

I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.

[TOOTS AND THE MAYTALS' "PRESSURE DROP" PLAYS]

Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups.

Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-in-One-Punch. How you doing?

-You're back. -Yeah, couldn't get enough

of that Spam. Why don't you fry some up and throw some eggs on top of it for me.

-You got it. -All right, mahalo.

-Hi, Lucy. -Hi, Nick.

[♪♪♪]

You know, why don't you try this?

[HENRY WHISTLES]

It's kind of a hinge.

[MAKES CREAKING SOUND]

-Now, why didn't I think of that? -Well, you're too close to the project.

Don't be hard on yourself.

You're right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.

Fresh eye never hurts.

I'm Lucy.

Yes. I'm Henry Roth.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

It's pretty. Keep up the good work.

Wait. I see you're sitting there alone. Um, do you wanna come and sit down?

Sure, sure. That'd be great,

-if that's all right. LUCY: Okay.

[WAYNE WONDER'S "HOLD ME NOW" PLAYS ON RADIO]

-So are you an architect? -I am not. I'm in fish.

Oh, that's where the smell is coming from.

Yeah, yeah, I was feeding a walrus this morning,

and I thought I got most of it off of me, but guess I didn't.

-I love that smell. -No, you don't.

-Fish don't even like that smell. -No, I do. My dad's a fisherman.

He and my brother Doug, they go out to sea for months at a time.

And I miss them so much while they're gone that when they come back,

I just hold on to them for five minutes each.

And they smell just like your hands. It's the best smell in the world.

Well, my fingers are available

for your sniffing pleasure anytime you need them.

-Wanna? -Okay.

[BOB MARLEY'S "IS THIS LOVE" PLAYS]

Sea lions are known for their, uh, athleticism,

and dolphins are known for their intelligence.

-Walruses are known for their, uh... -Tusks?

Their tusks. Also their male parts can get pretty gigantic.

-Oh. -Yeah, yeah, it's the second biggest

out of all the mammals.

-What's the first? -Uh, I think Tattoo-Face.

I like your laugh.

I like you making me laugh.

I hate to break this up, but we're setting up for lunch.

-Oh-- -Oh, okay. Sorry, Sue.

HENRY: And the real cool thing about walruses is they're very mysterious.

LUCY: Mysterious? HENRY: Yeah, yeah.

You know, we don't really know what they're like in the wild.

Don't they just sleep on icebergs and yawn all the time?

That's all we really see is what they do outside of the water,

but there hasn't been much research on what they do under the ice,

which is where they spend two-thirds of their lives.

Well, maybe they're just down there intimidating the other sea creatures with their big winkies.

That is one theory.

-I have to go. -Uh, where you going?

It's my dad's birthday, and we go every year and we pick a pineapple.

-It's a tradition. -That sounds nice. Okay, well,

I had a great time.

-Me too. -Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time?

-Because I teach an art class at 10. -Oh, really?

-Yeah. -I wish I could make it,

but, uh, yes, I will be there.

-Take care. -Okay.

-One for the road. Whoo, it is fishy. -Got you good.

-Aloha. -Aloha!

See you tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my goodness.

HENRY: Shit.

I had a bee on me.

-All right. -He was a big one.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

Which means "look at those two shitheads."

[♪♪♪]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

That was the stupidest-looking swing I've ever seen.

I'm gonna take a Molokai on that one.

No throwing. Come on.

Quit your laughing, you hyenas. Come on, let's see what you get.

Okay, you heard me. Go! Go!

Show papa what you got.

[♪♪♪]

You kids suck, you're good at everything.

The Father of the Year strikes again.

By the way, cuz, I met this sexy, blond tax attorney at Starbucks today.

-Uh-huh. -I told her you the kahuna

she wanna have fun on this island.

-Uh-huh. -You want her number?

You pimping tourists for me again, Ula?

Yes! I live vicariously through you, remember?

My life sucks.

Now, come on. Give her the Waikikiki sneaky between the cheeky.

-Oh. -Ula needs it.

This way, I can imagine I did it and then I can get through another weekend.

I'm staying in. Sorry. Thank you, though.

-What? -Hey, Dad!

Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.

But your stitches are bleeding.

-Aw! KIDS: Eww.

It must've been my huge back-swing.

Honah Lee, you think you can stitch me up again tonight after I get back from surfing?

-Yeah, looking forward to it. -I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound

like that. You might attract a shark or something.

What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.

Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut, anyway?

A shark bit me.

Nice.

Go smoke another one, bro.

I'll tell you, that shark theory's starting to catch on.

Now, will everybody keep it down

while I whack the crap out of this thing?

[♪♪♪]

Sit! Stay! Shit! No!

Where the hell is it?

LUCY: Looking for something?

Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

The same thing you are. Looking for my ball.

This is weird. I've been thinking about you all morning, all day.

Can't wait to have breakfast with you again tomorrow.

I know. And I just wanna eat you up.

-Really? -Yeah. Tomorrow and the next day

-and the next day and the next day. -All right. Okay.

Oh, my.

Oh, Lucy, that feels so good.

No, my nipples are too sensitive. Stop that.

[ULA AND HIS KIDS LAUGHING]

-What happened? -Your ball hooked into that cart,

bounced back and then hit you in the head. It was freaking hilarious.

-What? -Who's Lucy?

And what's up with your nipples?

I can't be falling for a local. I ain't ever going back to that diner.

-This where you got hit? -Ah! Yes!

[LEON REDBONE'S "MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA HAWAII" PLAYS]

You're so lucky you're a professional cliff diver in Hawaii.

-Yeah, well, it's a living. -I'm a tax attorney.

-We never get to have any fun. -Is that right?

I'd like to do something extra fun tonight.

Uh-oh.

[GULPING]

Wow, taking it deep, aren't you?

[SLURPING]

-Whoo! -Yeah.

Albert, how about another fishbowl for the young lady?

-Why don't I just tap a keg for her? HENRY: Okay.

I think I'm getting kind of drunk.

-Are you getting drunk? -Getting there.

So, what are you thinking?

What am I thinking?

Actually, I'm not drunk at all, Noreen, and neither are you

because there's no alcohol in these drinks.

Sadly, I've used this technique many times.

It helps lovely tourists, such as yourself

loosen up without impairing your ability to stay awake all night

and have guilt-free, vigorous sex with me.

-Wow. -I'm sorry.

I'm not a cliff diver, either. I-- I'm afraid of heights.

Well, since it's my last night in town,

can I pretend you didn't just say that and still have sex with you anyway?

I can't do it. I'm sorry.

Well, can you at least point me in the direction of someone who can?

Uh, that guy over there could help you out.

-Isn't that a woman? -Jeez, I'm not really sure.

But you're too drunk to notice, remember? Take care.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

SUE: Hey, you. Aloha. -Aloha.

Not aloha, "hello," aloha, "goodbye." We're closed today. Go away.

-What are you talking about? -Order up!

-Don't move. I have to talk to you. -Okay.

-Hey! Tattoo-Face! -Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!

Hi.

Hi.

My fingers are extra fishy today, if you care to take a whiff.

What was that?

I was petting my walrus all morning and I was thinking about you the whole time.

Okay, pervert. I think that you should leave.

[♪♪♪]

What? I was just joking around because of what we talked about yesterday.

Yesterday?

I've never even met you.

-Nick! I need help! NICK: Coming, Lucy.

Nick, put that down. I'll handle it.

-You, follow me. -Wait a-- What's going on?

I was kidding around with you!

What's happening here? Is she crazy or something?

Lucy is a very special person. Very different from other people.

Okay.

About a year ago, Lucy was in a terrible car accident.

She and her father went up North Shore to get a pineapple.

[THE FLAMING LIPS' "DO YOU REALIZE??" PLAYS ON RADIO]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[♪♪♪]

Her father broke some ribs, but Lucy suffered a serious head injury.

She lost her short-term memory.

So she can't remember anything?

No, no, no, no, she has all of her long-term memory.

That's a different part of the brain.

Her whole life, up to the night before the accident, she remembers.

She just can't retain any new information.

It's like her slate gets wiped clean every night while she sleeps.

Hold on here. This sounds like something I would tell a psycho girl

so she would stop calling me. Am I the psycho girl?

I wish I was making this up!

She has no memory that she ever met you.

What about the pineapple-picking thing?

She says that every day, because each morning

she wakes up thinking it's October 13th of last year.

She comes here for breakfast because that's what she did on Sundays

and October 13th was a Sunday.

She has no idea it's more than a year later.

She reads the newspaper, though.

It's a special paper her father puts on their porch every night.

It's from the day of her accident. He got hundreds of them printed up.

Lucy does the same thing every day.

[311 'S "RUB A DUB" PLAYS]

-Hello! MAN: Back here.

-Hi, Dad! -Oh, hi, sweetie.

You got one without me.

Oh, well, the lady at the farmers' market gave it to me as a birthday present.

I didn't wanna hurt her feelings.

I think she likes you.

-Yeah, what's not to like? -What about our tradition?

Well, I have another idea. I painted my workshop yesterday.

White.

Now it's too white. Gives me a headache.

Oh, yeah, you definitely need some color in here.

Well, you know, that's what I was thinking.

-Ooh, really? -Yeah. Go nuts.

Paint me something nice for my birthday.

I will.

And promise that we can pick a pineapple for Thanksgiving, okay?

-Sounds great. -Okay, good.

Hey, you should watch the Vikings game while I'm painting.

Good idea.

[♪♪♪]

-Yeah, baby. Isolate. -What are we eating tonight, Doug?

-Spaghetti, Pop. -Hey, try not to sweat in the sauce.

Sorry, Pop.

Go Vikings.

Seven hundred and five. Seven hundred and six.

-Seven hundred and seven. -Hey, you guys.

MARLIN: Hey, sweetie. How's the painting coming?

-Ooh, you'll see. -Cool.

-Oh. What's the score? -Uh, the Vikings

are on the two-yard line. If they score here, they bring it to 14-10.

Ooh, maybe they'll win for your birthday, Dad.

And I'll bet Culpepper runs it in. Mm-hm.

I'll bet he fakes a handoff to Williams and throws a pass to Kleinsasser in the end zone.

-Loser does the dishes? -You're on.

ANNOUNCER: --keep the offense on the field.

Culpepper fakes a handoff to Williams. He will throw.

He's got Kleinsasser in the end zone! Touchdown, Minnesota.

Oh, wow, Doug, you're good.

Maybe you should be a coach.

-Dad. -Moron!

That hurt.

[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU"]

And you don't look a day over 25.

Yeah, right, and Doug's muscles aren't pharmaceutically enhanced.

What are you talking about? I use an herb supplement

that can be purchased at any health-food store. Check this out.

Check out these glutes. Rock-hard, baby.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Stop it! You're gonna make me throw up on the cake.

Okay, just open your present.

Okay. Let's see what we've got here.

The Sixth Sense.

Hey! When I'm done doing the dishes, do you guys wanna watch it?

-Sure. -Sure.

Ben Friedkin?

Some people, they call me freak.

MALCOLM: Ronald Sumner?

VINCENT: I am. I am a freak. Look at me.

MALCOLM: Just give me a chance--

[WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV]

[MALCOLM GRUNTING ON TV]

I can't believe it. Bruce Willis is a ghost.

I'm just-- I'm shocked. Did you see that coming?

-No. -Not a clue.

-Shocked as hell. -Anyway, it was awesome.

-Happy birthday. -Love you, Sis.

Oh, Doug, your muscles are getting so big, I can barely wrap my arms around you.

You like that? Check this out.

[HUMMING]

Okay, okay, okay! Enough with the titty dance! Let your sister go to sleep.

-I like it. -Sweet dreams, Lucy.

-Good night. -Good night.

[PAUL MCCARTNEY'S "ANOTHER DAY" PLAYS]

Hey, Tracy, how you doing?

Yeah?

Well, things changed a little bit since high school.

HENRY: And this is what happens every single day.

ULA: How long it gonna take for her memory to come back?

Her doctors say it may never come back.

So, basically, what you're saying is,

-she's the perfect girl for you. -What do you mean?

You can hang out with her all day with no attachment, because--

Her plane leaves every night? There's only one problem with that.

-What is? -It's evil.

No, it isn't.

You meet her, hang out, flirt, no commitment, nobody gets hurt.

-She's got brain damage, you psycho. -Okay, I'll give you that one.

But I think it'd be healthy for you, Honah Lee.

You haven't allowed yourself to connect with a girl for many years.

I appreciate your interest, Oprah, but leave me alone.

Hey, you'd be doing exactly what her father does:

Giving her a wonderful day.

Then when it's time for you to go on your big boat trip, poof, you just leave.

She'll never even know you're gone.

See, I'm not sure about the "poofing" part, because I'm not a very good poofer.

Could you demonstrate a good poof for me?

Quit busting my coconuts for five seconds.

All right. Would you stop poofing on that joint and do some work?

Okay. Let's get this sucker ready.

Then we're gonna take her out for a spin.

HENRY: Captain's log: November 7th. Nearly midnight.

The Sea Serpent is fully recovered from her mishap

and ready to once again brave the open ocean.

[CRASHES]

I think my stitches opened up again, cuz.

You got a cat? Because I feel something licking me.

[311 'S "AMBER" PLAYS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

How is it?

Peanut Butter Cups. What are you doing here?

I just wanted to say hi to Lucy.

I promise you I'm not gonna do anything wrong.

What did Sue say?

She said that if I talk to Lucy, you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

She's the boss, cuz. But don't worry.

Lucy probably didn't wanna talk to you anyway.

Um...

-What does that mean? -This ain't a disco.

She doesn't want guys hitting on her while she has her breakfast.

She does if it's Henry Roth.

-Who that? -Who that? Me that.

I bet you 20 bucks I can get her to have breakfast with me again.

-You're on. -I love it.

-How you doing, honey? -Hey, Sue. Nice haircut.

Oh, mahalo. See you in a bit.

Nick and I have an arrangement. You can trust me.

Don't worry.

[NO DOUBT'S "UNDERNEATH IT ALL" PLAYS]

[HENRY CLEARS THROAT]

You should try this out. Put it in there. Swivelly door.

[MAKES CREAKING SOUND]

Waffleonians can come in and out now.

Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers

all over someone else's food?

No, I'm from this country.

Why? Were you gonna eat that? Oh.

All right, well, have a good meal.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

-Yeah. -That was pathetic.

Yeah? Why don't you choke on your Spam?

Double or nothing tomorrow.

Hey. I'm sorry to bother you,

but you look like a person who appreciates fine art,

so I wanted your opinion on something.

I drew this. It's a picture of a father and son fishing off a fishing boat.

There's a walrus right there--

-Asen-tay fay-tong-kong. -Huh?

Wī-neep-ee guoo-yah guin-kī.

Oh, you don't speak English. Okay.

-Guin-kī. -Guin-kī.

Doesn't look Chinese.

Forty.

Can I have that?

I need something to wipe my ass with.

Ha, ha, ha. Shut up.

[CRYING]

I wonder what's the matter with him.

Looks like a stupid asshole to me.

Excuse me. Okay. I didn't mean to startle you.

-No, that's all right. I-- -Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm having a problem with something, but...

Is it something that I could help you with?

No, no, no. I just

can't read.

You gotta be kidding me.

-Here, I can read the menu for you. -Oh, no, no, no, no.

Thank you. I can do this on my own.

Appreciate the sentiment.

I'm gonna get an order of the...

[PUFFS AIR]

Pan-eh-que...

Pan...

Pan...

Panku--

Ca--

Panclocks.

-Pancakes. -Okay, I'll have pancake.

-Pancakes. -Pancah-- Pancakes! Pancakes!

-I'm so stupid! -Oh, don't cry.

-Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. -Don't cry.

-I don't know anything! -What a loser.

[SOBBING]

I'll tell you what. Why don't you come over there with me?

You can have some breakfast and I'll help teach you some of the words.

-Okay. -All right.

HENRY: That sounds nice. -Come on over.

-Okay, thank you. -All right.

[♪♪♪]

So I comes before the E?

-Except after C? -Yes.

Okay, and C is that little half a squiggly one, right?

-Yes. -I think I'm getting it.

-How'd you get so good at teaching? -I'm a teacher. I do it all the time.

I'm an art teacher at the Haluki-liki Junior High.

Well, you Haluki-liki the kind of teacher all the kids have crushes on.

I know I would if I was in your class.

Okay.

Oh, boy, do my-- My fingers smell like fish.

That doesn't gross you out, does it?

No, not at all.

Really?

-Ow! -If Lucy gets hurt,

I'm gonna chop you with the meat cleaver.

Okay, okay.

So I had a nice time.

-Yeah, me too. -Thank you very much.

-Let me get it for you. -Thank you.

Sure.

Okay.

I just want to eat you up, tomorrow and the next day, next day, next day...

I'll see you around.

Okay.

Really? That's it?

-That's what? -All that flirting,

and phony "I can't read" stuff, and then you're not even gonna ask me out

or for my phone number?

-I can't read. -Oh, shut up.

That was one of the goofiest things I've ever seen in my life, but I thought:

"Hey, if this guy is so desperate to meet me,

he might be worth talking to."

But then I get stiffed.

No, no, no, this is what happened. I...

Mahalo for the ego boost.

-You're right. You're right. I feel like-- LUCY: No worries.

I gotta-- I can read a little!

I didn't know I came before E! That one I didn't know, I swear.

Oh, you idiot.

I hope you're happy, Shamu.

[♪♪♪]

Marlin. It's Sue.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Oh, aloha, sir. My name's Henry-- -I know who you are.

-I want to apologize to your daughter. -Not gonna happen.

She's inside. You and me are gonna straighten some things out.

DOUG: Dad, the damn mongoose got in the garbage again!

-Is this the guy? MARLIN: Yeah.

Mr. Roth, I have one simple request:

Stay away from my daughter.

Absolutely. I just-- I think I hurt her feelings and I don't want it to end like that.

It's gonna end like this.

[YELLS]

HENRY: Calm down, little fellow.

I'm gonna kill you! You're a dead man. Okay, I'm calm.

I'm calm.

-All right. Let me help you up. -I got it! I got it. It's just that

my father and I work too hard to protect Lucy to let some

idiot with the hots for her come in and ruin it all.

I know all about what you guys do and I totally respect that.

Look, if you know her condition, then you know she can't have a normal relationship with a man,

because the next morning, she won't know who he is.

And any guy who's okay with that,

ain't okay with me.

-I'm not looking for a one-night stand. -Anything with Lucy

is a one-night stand, numb-nuts.

Give us a break. Just stay away from the Hukilau Café.

My daughter's been through enough.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I could have whooped his ass, Daddy, but, ah, this gravel, I slipped on it--

Yeah, well, maybe you need to do a few more butt flexes.

Cheap shot, Dad.

[GROWLING]

So fresh and so clean. Hey, Alexa, did you ever hook up with that girl from the bar the other night?

-I chickened out. -Really?

Yeah, I don't know. I guess I prefer sausage to taco.

-What? HENRY: Yeah. No, I agree, buddy.

Get out of here. Run for the hills.

Let me ask you something, Alexa.

If you made a promise to a girl's dad that you would not see her anymore,

would you consider that, like, a binding promise?

-Absolutely. -Yeah?

But then again, there are always ways around such things.

-Like? -For example,

if I promised a woman's father I would not see her,

I would simply shut my eyes while she serviced my manhood.

That's actually a cool way to look at it.

And a very gross way.

[SEAL'S "LIPS LIKE SUGAR" PLAYS]

HENRY: He asked me not to go to the Hukilau. I'm not going to the Hukilau.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

Sorry to bother you. I'm kind of stuck here.

-Uh-oh. Car trouble? -Yeah. You mind giving me a jump?

Okay.

Appreciate your time.

Not everybody would have stopped like you.

-You're real sweet. -Oh, yeah. Thank you.

-Okay. -Okay.

-[YELLS] -[SCREAMS]

I can't believe you fell for that.

Well, my grandfather died trying to jump-start a car.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I-- I was just joking around.

I can't believe you fell for that!

Oh, my God.

That was very good.

-My name's Henry. -I'm Lucy.

Nice to meet you. You look like a nice...

[DRYDEN MITCHELL'S "FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE" PLAYS]

Hi. Sorry for the delay. Should be a few minutes.

-No problem. No worries. -Where you coming from?

Breakfast?

-Yeah. -How was it?

I had waffles. They were delicious.

I like making little houses out of waffles.

-You do? -That's my thing.

-What's your name? -Lucy.

Hi, I'm Henry.

Okay, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute.

Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.

-Oh, shit. -Here she comes. Smile.

[CHEEPING]

Where is she?

Uh-oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, no!

Okay. That didn't work.

Shit your pants? So did I.

Okay, this is her. Start beating me up.

Make it look good.

[HENRY YELLING]

ULA: Give me your wallet!

Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island,

-eat our pineapple-- -Help me! Ow! Not so hard.

-Take it easy. -Trying to bang our women.

Making my sister clean your hotel room.

Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax.

-Hey! Hey! Help me, please! -Stupid haole!

[YELLING]

Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that!

And that! And that!

HENRY: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.

-Are you okay? -Yes, yes--

Okay, I'll be back. Hey, come here!

No, no, no, no, no! I think he's had enough.

Aw. I'm sorry.

ULA: My eye!

-You got him! LUCY: Not good enough!

ULA: Oh, Kamehameha!

He learned his lesson!

-What's your name? -My name's Henry.

-You did good. -Hi. Sorry.

I'm in a community-watch program and--

ULA: Oh, you crazy bitch!

Yeah, keep running!

Okay, okay, he's-- He's gone now.

[♪♪♪]

Not her. False alarm.

Don't worry, I called the cops already. I'm all set.

DOUG: Yeah? You all set for this, Mr. Smarty?

-Oh, shit. MARLIN: Yeah.

Well, when you're finished playing your little kidnap-victim crap on my daughter,

come by the house.

Okay.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Oh, boy.

There's something I wanna show you.

[LUCY SINGING "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE"]

We figured it out. She only sings on days she meets you.

You're kidding me. That song?

That's Mom and Dad's song.

When her mom was alive, Lucy would have me take that Beach Boys tape

-on every fishing trip I went on. -Oh, yeah?

Yeah, she knew it would make me miss her mom

and want to come home that much sooner.

I'm seeing a whole new side to you, sir. I gotta tell you, it's grossing me out.

Let me ask you something.

What's in it for you? What do you get out of this?

I don't know.

Wouldn't you want to spend an hour a day with that?

Actually, no. She sings like shit.

-What? -Can I ask you guys something?

What's gonna happen down the line? Someday she's gonna wake up

and look in the mirror and notice her face has aged 10 years overnight.

You know something, Henry?

I worry about that every damn day of my life.

[WYCLEF JEAN'S "YOUR LOVE (L,O,V,E, REGGAE MIX)" PLAYS ON RADIO]

Pardon me.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I noticed we were both eating alone,

and I thought perhaps I could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi

-for your waffle house? -Oh, that would be nice,

but I have a boyfriend.

So I'm sorry.

Aw.

You're making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?

No, I'm not.

What's his name, then?

Ringo.

Is his last name Starr?

-No. McCartney. -McCartney, okay.

-Oh, no. -All right. I'm sorry.

No! This cop is writing me a ticket!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I wouldn't go out there.

-Wait, wait, wait! -Go on!

I'm coming.

The tags don't expire for seven months.

-They expired May of this year. -No! No, no!

They expire May of next year.

Officer, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

-I don't. LUCY: This is ridiculous.

I'm not paying for this! It's October!

Excuse me. Can I borrow this? Look, October!

Lucy, let's go back inside.

What?

[♪♪♪]

What?

[HORN HONKING]

Having a bad day, Doug!

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

Sweetheart,

these are from the accident.

Oh, no!

I can feel it.

You were in the hospital for three months, sweetheart.

I have to talk to this doctor. I need to hear it from him.

You have heard it, sweetie. Many times.

I have?

I'll take her.

I, uh, have to hear for myself too.

[♪♪♪]

Doug, just take this, okay? I can't--

I can't look at it anymore.

-It's gonna be all right, Luce. -Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.

Sweetie, you're sort of dating him.

Sorry I'm not better-looking.

What else happened since last October?

-What about my students? -Miss Campbell took over your class.

-Did Alicia marry that guy? -Yeah.

Doug, did you win the Mr. Hawaii contest?

I didn't know there was gonna be a urine test.

Wow.

Do we have sex?

No, we don't. Just so everybody knows that.

We want to.

Just kidding.

So you guys have to just lie to me every day.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Lucy. Good to see you again.

What the hell's her problem?

She doesn't remember who you are, brah.

Oh, yeah.

I suck at this job.

DR. KEATS: Right, Lucy, these are your brain scans here.

I'm afraid they show no improvement.

The temporal lobe was severely damaged in the accident.

But what we believe is scar tissue here is impairing your ability

to convert short-term memory into long-term memory while you sleep.

The condition has come to be known as Goldfield Syndrome.

-Ah, who's Goldfield? -A brilliant Lithuanian psychiatrist.

Uh, he himself suffered temporal-lobe damage.

Took him four years to publish his findings

because he had to keep starting over from scratch.

Obviously, your sense of humor is still intact, and that's here.

Magnificent amygdala as well.

DOUG: Doctor, I have a question. -Yes, Doug, I'd be happy to answer it,

but as I've told you several times, this is a hygienic facility and shirts are required in the office.

-Oh, okay. -Nice move.

Um, listen, doctor, this

friend of mine's been experimenting a little with steroids, and, uh,

he's been having a lot of wet dreams.

Could there be a connection between those two?

Douglas, get off the juice.

And as far as the nocturnal emissions, why don't you take a swim,

buy a shirt with no holes in it, find a beautiful wahine and take her to dinner.

I'll tell my friend you said so.

In any case, Lucy, your condition is stable,

but most likely permanent.

I'm so sorry, dear.

But it could be worse.

Yeah? How?

I think you should meet Ten Second Tom.

DR. KEATS: Callahan Institute is the leading brain-injury clinic in the Pacific Rim.

We are funded out of Sandusky, Ohio by T. B. Callahan,

the automotive-components tycoon and philanthropist.

[♪♪♪]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you

our most distinguished clinical subject,

Tom.

-Hi. I'm Tom. -Henry.

MARLIN: Marlin. DOUG: Doug.

LUCY: Lucy. -Hi.

Oh, those are cool flip-flops. Where'd you get them?

You like those? It's an interesting story. I was on the North Shore the other day--

-Hi, I'm Tom. -Huh?

-Henry. -Hi.

-Marlin. -Tom lost part of his brain

in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts 10 seconds.

TOM: I was in an accident? That's terrible.

Don't worry. You'll totally get over it in about three seconds.

Get over it? I mean, what happened? Did I get shot in the brain--?

-Hi, I'm Tom. -Hi, I'm Lucy.

-Hi. -Doug.

TOM: Hey. -Marlin.

Hey, Tom, can I tell you a secret?

[WHISPERING]

Don't you think you're a little old to still have wet dreams?

-They liked that. -Hi, I'm Tom.

-Yeah, watch yourself, Tom. -Easy.

[♪♪♪]

-Okay, well, I'm gonna go to sleep. -All right. Good night, sweetie.

Good night, you guys. I'll see you tomorrow.

-And I guess I'll see you too? HENRY: Oh, yeah.

You had a rough day today. I'm sorry.

I hope you get some rest tonight.

Okay.

Good night.

DOUG: So, hotshot, how you getting home?

-You gonna take the Likelike or--? -Hey.

Um... Thank you for being so nice to me today.

-Sure. -I don't want you to

strike out tomorrow.

So maybe you could talk to me about

lilies.

Lilies?

I'm a sucker for lilies.

Thanks for the tip.

Good night.

Good night.

My, oh, my.

-Lover-boy. -Yes, sir.

You don't have to rush off. Stick around.

You've earned yourself a couple beers.

MARLIN: So, what are your plans when you finish your boat?

HENRY: Actually, I'm going on a trip in a little while

to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.

Sounds kind of fruity.

-Thank you. DOUG: How long is it gonna take?

Uh, about a year.

I guess you won't miss days like this.

Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.

What are you trying to say?

When you guys tell her,

she's not just finding out about the accident.

She's finding out that her life is basically a set-up.

I think that's what freaks her out the most.

-What, you're an expert now? -No.

I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides:

"Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."

You want a broken head, huh, smart guy?

MARLIN: Why, you gonna give it to him?

No, Daddy, I thought you was gonna do it.

Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.

Oh, don't go just because my son is psychotic.

Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep them dry there, Doug.

Very funny.

[♪♪♪]

-Excuse me. Lucy Whitmore? -Yes?

I have a delivery for you.

-A delivery for me? -Yes.

-Oh, they're beautiful. -Mmm.

-Who are they from? -That I can't tell you.

It's a secret admirer. He also wants you to have this.

-Who's your friend, Lucy? -Oh, well, I mean, I don't know.

We just met, but look.

I have a secret admirer.

Oh, really? What's this?

It's a videotape.

A videotape of what?

LUCY: I have no idea.

But I have to find out.

Oh! Happy birthday, Daddy.

-Thank you, sweetie. HENRY: That's right.

Happy birthday, sir. What are you, 200 today?

Oh, that's cute. What the hell are you doing, Henry?

I just wanted to try something different.

If it doesn't work, we've only wasted one day, so...

[THE BEACH BOYS' "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" PLAYS ON TV]

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN ON TV: Martha Stewart was in New York today to face charges--

Oh, God!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

[♪♪♪]

ULA: Okay, I think it's on. Go. Go.

Aloha! I'm Henry Roth.

Ah, we met here at the Hukilau Café about a year after your accident.

Um, I like you and you like me, most days.

Every day is different, but basically this is what happens, Lucy.

ULA: Kikikoloko, take the camera.

-Okay, I got it, Dad. ULA: Don't drop it.

Okay, all right. Here we are, right here.

Uh, the part of you in this re-enactment

will be played by my good friend, Ula.

Aloha. Sorry about your brain.

I had a accident too.

Believe it or not, this my good eye.

HENRY: We ready? ULA: Yeah.

Hi. I like that waffle tepee that you have built.

Oh! So nice of you to notice. Please, sit down.

I would love to.

My name is Henry, by the way.

My name is Lucy.

Smell my fingers?

Ooh, fish. Right on.

So, Lucy, I work at an aquarium.

Aquariums make me super horny.

That's not funny. Don't rub those.

I'm sorry, Mr. Whitmore, if you're watching.

It's very late, and my friend is a little unstable.

Aw, come on, stop with the licking! You're making me sick.

Lucy, I'm sorry.

Anyways, I know you wish I was making all this stuff up.

I wish I was too.

But the good news is,

there are so many people out there who care about you:

Your dad and Doug and a couple of your friends here at the Hukilau

who have a message for you.

Lucy, as you know, your mother and I were best friends.

That's why I promised her that I would always help look after you.

Sometimes life isn't very fair,

but we still have you.

Oh, and if you're wondering about this guy who's making this tape,

he's okay.

Hey, Lucy. Just so you know, since you lost your memory,

I became governor of Hawaii.

No, just kidding. I'm too smart.

[KIDS YELLING]

Kualaliku! Get your brother off the dishwasher!

Uh, so whenever you're ready, we'd all love to talk to you

and answer any questions you have,

and you're the best, Lucy. Aloha.

[♪♪♪]

How many times have I watched this?

This is the first time.

HENRY: Okay, she cried for about an hour. That's not too bad.

I bet in another hour she'll be ready to see her friends, have some lunch,

get her life back.

We could do this every day.

We'll leave it up to her.

All right.

So how's the cow?

Same as you. Every day they have to convince her she's a cow.

[♪♪♪]

LUCY: Wow, look. The bark is healing.

HENRY: You're gonna get there.

I never hung out with you in the afternoon like this.

In this lighting, man, oh, man, you look...

disgusting.

Yeah.

I don't know how you get me to fall for that egg-shaped head every morning.

Oh, all I have to do is slide on my designer jeans

and just kind of wiggle in front of you. You go nuts.

Why couldn't I have met you one day before the accident?

Don't worry, because if you hung out with me for more than one day

you'd realize I'm a bore.

-Oh, well, I have news for you. -Yes?

It takes less than one day.

You know something? That hurt.

Your damaged temporal lobe is causing me pain

and I'm gonna get you for that.

-[YELLS] -[SCREAMS]

Now you're dead!

[LAUGHING]

-[GUITARS PLAYING] -[ULA SINGING]

-I can't believe you're pregnant. -I know.

-And I got her on the first try. -Yeah. Easy.

And, Tammy, you are so thin.

Thanks, Luce.

And I'm so glad that you finally got

that gender-reassignment surgery, Jennifer. I mean, Jonathan.

Mahalo.

-Here you go, Lucy. -Thank you.

-You're welcome. -So you must be Lucy's friend.

-The one who made the tape. -I think he's more than my friend.

-You're my boyfriend, right? -Yes, ma'am.

So every day you help her to realize what happened

and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it,

then get her to fall in love with you again?

Yes, ma'am.

Gosh. You asshole!

You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.

You're in trouble.

[JONATHAN LAUGHING]

I gotta go tinkle.

Oh.

[LUCY LAUGHING]

LUCY: Okay, so tell me a little bit more about yourself.

HENRY: Okay. Well, I've

won over seven all-you-can-eat chicken-wing contests.

-Really? -Yes.

And I'm a ballet dancer, but only in my bathroom.

No, no, what do you want to know?

Um...

Do you love me?

-Hmm. -I didn't mean to put you on the spot

or anything. I was just asking more for informational purposes.

It's to keep the video as up-to-date as possible.

Sure.

Well, love is a very loaded word.

[♪♪♪]

Let's see. I, uh...

I go to this restaurant every morning, and I see you there, reading.

And...

I love you very much.

Probably more than anybody could love another person.

Wow.

And how do I feel about you?

You're excited about the chicken-wing thing.

And, uh,

you've been dying to make out with me for quite some time now.

Feeling better now?

Nothing beats a first kiss.

There's nothing like a first kiss.

Nothing beats a first kiss.

That's what I've heard.

[LAUGHING]

Nothing beats a first--

[CHOKING]

Mmm!

What are you doing?

Nothing. I was just getting some lint off for you.

You were going for a feelski!

All right, I'm sorry, but this is like the 23rd time we've made out already,

and they're getting blue.

I know. I know.

I mean, I really don't know.

For me, it still feels like the first time.

Okay, let's average it out then.

It's the 23rd time for me and the first time for you.

-That's about our 12th time. -Yeah?

Now, Hawaiian law clearly states after the 12th date

I'm entitled to unlimited boob access.

Why didn't I meet you one day before the accident?

You say that all the time.

You want to meet a friend of mine?

[GROWLING]

HENRY: All right.

[♪♪♪]

Jocko, this is Lucy. Lucy, this is Jocko.

Wow! Thank you. Nice to meet you.

He is awesome! He is so smart.

Check this out. Jocko, what does the teapot do when the water's ready?

[WHISTLES]

-Very good. -Hey, can I ask him a question?

Go ahead.

Jocko,

do you think that Henry and I are ready to take our relationship

to the next level?

[GRUNTING]

Hmm. You sure about that?

And do you think that I should bring him into the other room

and take advantage of him?

I saw that hand gesture.

-And I'm glad you did it. -Really?

[KISSES]

[WYCLEF JEAN'S "BABY" PLAYS]

HENRY: Use that. -Oh, wow. Look!

-Yeah. -They're, uh--

They're nodding in approval, I hope.

Oh, yeah. No, they like you. Let me get them out of there.

Mary-Kate, Ashley, get a life. Thank you. Sorry.

-Oh, they're very nice, though. -Yeah, so are you.

-Let me get you down slow. -Okay.

LUCY: Thank you. HENRY: My pleasure.

Ooh.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

All right, I just wrote this, so go easy on me.

The Hukilau was the place

Where I first saw your face

We liked each other right away

But you didn't remember me The very next day

Forgetful Lucy

Has got a nice caboose-y

I used to trick you into pulling Your car over so we could chat

But my favorite time was when you Beat the shit out of Ula with a bat

And we drove up to see Dr. Keats

And found out why Doug always Has to change his sheets

Forgetful Lucy

Cracked her head like Gary Busey

But I still love her so

And I'll never let her go

Even if while I'm singing this song

She's wishing I had Jocko the Walrus' schlong

Forgetful Lucy

Her lips are so damn juicy

How about another first kiss

Can't fall asleep.

I'm not sleeping.

I'm just closing my eyes.

Well, I'm gonna go downstairs then.

No, no. I'm just resting.

Lucy.

Yeah.

Will you marry me?

-Of course. -Good.

Don't forget about me.

Never.

[♪♪♪]

Good morning.

[SCREAMING]

DOUG: Oh, shit!

LUCY: Help! Help! HENRY: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lucy.

Lucy! Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, I know this is hard for you to understand right now,

but we are actually seeing each other.

We've been seeing each other for a while now.

Oh! Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!

If I wasn't telling the truth, how would I know this?

That you're an art teacher and you go to the Hukilau Café every Sunday

and you make waffle houses and you like Casablanca lilies.

-Stalker! -No, no, no!

Don't you remember me a little?

Oh!

[LUCY PANTING]

Well, I may not be able to kick your ass, but my sister sure can.

Thanks, buddy.

Little Sammy Sosa's a bit shook up, but she'll be okay.

She's watching the tape as we speak.

Good. How's my temporal lobe looking there, doc?

Mmm, don't worry. You're not gonna suffer any short-term memory loss.

But was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?

Hey, don't make fun of Henry, all right? It's not his fault his head is shaped like that.

Note the intense overreaction. That's the "roids" talking.

-Doug, once again, off the juice. -It's not juice.

It's a protein shake.

DR. KEATS: So, Henry, the boys tell me you're setting sail for Alaska to study walruses.

-When does that adventure begin? -Oh, that adventure actually began,

like, ten years ago. That's when I started planning and saving and building my boat.

All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals, they have the second-largest penis.

I have the first.

That's my joke.

Did you tell Lucy about this trip yet?

Well,

actually, there's nothing to tell because I decided not to go.

I mean, Lucy needs me here.

I'm just worried about going away for a year

and ruining all the progress she's made. I mean,

I know you think I'm crazy,

but I think deep down inside

-she's starting to remember who I am. -DR. KEATS: No, Henry.

That's what you want to believe. Hell, it's what we all want to believe.

But it's never gonna happen.

[♪♪♪]

Okay. I gotta go to work.

Uh, will you tell her I'll be back later to pick her up?

See you, guys. Don't tell anyone your sister beat me up.

I'll tell you, that kid could go to the moon and back and Lucy would never even know he left.

Sometimes I wish my wife had Goldfield Syndrome.

That way she wouldn't remember last night when I called her mother

a loud, obnoxious drunk with a face like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.

HENRY: All right. There's your medicine, little fellow.

Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool!

And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.

How do you think I get the dolphins to do double flip and play with the white kids?

[ULA LAUGHS]

[DOLPHIN CLICKING]

HENRY: Okay, Willie, that's it.

This time try to stay clean for more than a day.

I made you a nice anchovy sundae.

Okay, enjoy that.

Henry?

-Hey! -How's your head?

-Oh, it's fine. Don't worry. -Good.

What brings your royal cuteness out here?

LUCY: I needed to see you.

Okay. What you got there?

It's my journal. I write in it every night.

-Oh, you don't like the video? -No, I love it.

It's just that sometimes when I watch it, I feel like I'm being told about my life

from someone else. And when I read this

it's like I'm telling myself.

When did you start this up?

Right after you gave me the video.

-Really? -I was so nervous to come here

and meet the guy that makes me fall in love with him every day.

Well, you probably thought I couldn't live up to the hype.

No. I was nervous because...

Because I came here to break up with you.

[♪♪♪]

You had plans and a life

before you met me and now all you have time for

is to make me fall in love with you every day.

That's not all I do. I gave a penguin a bath today.

[QUACKING AND CHEEPING]

Which I'll have to do again tomorrow.

Henry, I look at my dad and my brother's lives and I won't do that to you.

What do you want me to do? Be some stupid chapter in your scrapbook and then go on my way?

No.

My plan is to erase you completely, so it's as if you never existed.

Why are you doing this?

[♪♪♪]

Because you have to understand that there is no future with me.

Don't you want to have a career and marriage and children?

I asked you to marry me last night. You said yes.

Kids? Yeah, I'd love to do it.

But how is that going to work?

I'm gonna wake up every morning with an enormous pregnant belly and no memory

of how it happened?

I have to make a new journal that doesn't have you in it.

But before I do,

I really want you to read what I wrote about you.

I will read about it tomorrow

when you forget about all this breaking up stuff, okay?

I'm not going to forget about it. I already wrote it down. I won't let myself.

And I'm gonna do it whether you want me to or not.

I'll be at my house.

Okay, type this one in there.

"Saturday, November 25th.

I drove out to Callahan Institute today and had a talk with Dr. Keats."

There's one about me.

"Reminder: He makes funny noises when I kiss his neck."

I'm gonna miss that.

You sure you don't want me to put that in there?

-We can skip that one. -No, no, no, let me read it.

"We made love tonight! It didn't last long, but it was incredible."

Hmm.

It's not all about how long you go. It's-- You know, there was a connection, I thought.

Actually, let's just rip that out.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Well, that's that.

LUCY: Henry, wait!

[♪♪♪]

Could I have one last first kiss?

[ZIGGY MARLEY'S "DRIVE" PLAYS]

-I ain't gonna do this, Marlin. -You have to, Henry.

[CRASHES]

I'm gonna miss you, buddy, but I gotta get the hell off this island.

I'm sorry I can't take you with me,

but you've lived here so long you're too big of a pansy to defend yourself in the wild.

[GRUNTS]

I don't feel bad for you. I know you got a little romantic thing going on with Candace.

[ROARS]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Candace and Bernice?

[KISSING]

Candace, Bernice and Rose?

Yeah. I fell for one chick and I'm losing my mind. Good luck with that.

Okay, baby.

I love you.

Thanks, buddy. Remember to use a condom.

Or in your case, a Hefty bag.

[♪♪♪]

Well...

Okay, you guys. Thanks for coming to say goodbye.

Be careful.

You guys just make sure your father doesn't get eaten by a shark.

Honah Lee, oh-new-hi ka-hahna-oy na-ha-lahnee.

Thank you, buddy. What does that mean again?

Bring me back a T-shirt.

Oh, okay. You got it.

Come here. All right. Love you guys.

My shirt size is medium husky.

Hey! Kikikuloa!

No flippies off the dock! You could get hurt!

No! All right. Let the master show you how to get it done.

Oy.

[YELLS]

[KIDS YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

Now you kids go down there and find my nuts.

Sure you don't want to take Doug with you?

Hey! What the heck are you guys doing here?

Well, I spoke to the harbormaster and he said you were setting sail today,

so we thought we'd drop by and wish you bon voyage.

This is from Nick and Sue. They send their best wishes for a safe trip.

That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

I love Spam and Reese's. Can I have it?

Um, I guess.

-Doug! -That's all right.

-I'm sorry. -So...

How's Lucy?

Actually, she's living at the institute.

-When did that happen? -Three weeks ago.

Said she didn't want to be a burden to me and Doug anymore. I don't know.

I couldn't talk her out of it. You know what?

She's doing really great up there.

She's teaching an art class with the others and she gets to paint every day.

In fact, she's even singing again.

Hey, look, Henry, I got a little gift for you too.

It's just a little something from one sailor to another one.

Mahalo.

Yeah. You take care of yourself out there, okay?

-I will. -Okay.

[♪♪♪]

ALEXA: Henry did not tell me about you.

Your fisherman muscles.

Can I touch?

Sure.

Yes.

HENRY: The Beach Boys?

How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me

of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter.

What an asshole!

[THE BEACH BOYS' "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" PLAYS]

[SINGING "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE"]

Oh, why?

Why would you do this to me?

You sick bastard!

Oh, my God.

Is he trying to tell me something?

[SINGING "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE"]

She only sings on days she meets you.

[♪♪♪]

She remembers me?

Holy shit!

She remembers me!

Julia, that looks great.

Excuse me. What am I doing?

You're painting a picture. And you're doing an excellent job.

Oh.

Holy crap! I suck.

[♪♪♪]

GUARD: Hey, hey, hey.

-Can we help you, sir? -Yes. I have an appointment.

-What's your name? -My name? Um...

Um...

Dude, he forgot his name. I feel bad for him.

Just go on up, sir. And good luck with that memory problem.

Yeah. Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

What?

HENRY: Lucy!

Lucy!

-Hi, I'm Tom. -Hey, yeah, I met you before.

I'm Henry. Maybe you can help me out. I'm looking for Lucy Whitmore.

Do you have any idea where I can find her?

-Hi, I'm Tom. -Oh. Thanks anyways.

Lucy!

Lucy!

[♪♪♪]

Lucy Whitmore...

can I ask you a question?

Do you have any idea who I am?

-No. -No?

That sucks.

-What's your name? -I'm Henry.

Henry.

I want to show you something. Will you come with me?

Well, yeah.

Hey. Do you know who that guy is?

Dude, I don't even know who I am.

Oh, well, you're Pablo Picasso.

-Really? -No. Not really.

[♪♪♪]

This is my studio.

Wow.

I don't know who you are, Henry,

but I dream about you almost every night.

Why?

What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day

used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?

I would say that that makes a lot of sense.

You erased me from your memories

because you thought you were holding me back from having

a full and happy life.

But you made a mistake.

Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life.

You're the girl of my dreams,

and apparently I'm the man of yours.

Henry.

It's nice to meet you.

Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.

Hi, I'm Tom.

Henry, Lucy. Nice to meet you, Tom.

Now why don't you come back in ten seconds so we can meet again?

[♪♪♪]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[THE BEACH BOYS' "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE" PLAYS ON TV]

[♪♪♪]

Do you, Honah Lee, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife,

to have and to hold from this day forth

as long as you both shall live?

-I do. -Really?

Even though in, like, 10, 15 years

she could possibly let herself go and then, like,

sex could be, like, nauseating for you?

HENRY: What are you, nuts? Your wife's right over there.

I'm just kidding, Muumuu!

I now pronounce you man and wife.

[ISRAEL KAMAKAWIWO'OLE'S "OVER THE RAINBOW" PLAYS]

ALL: Mazel tov!

HENRY: It's very cold outside, so when you're ready

put on a jacket and come have breakfast with me. Love you.

Hey, hey! Good morning, Mrs. Roth. Would you like to meet your daughter?

Go say hello to Mommy.

Hi, Mommy.

HENRY: That's right.

Good morning.

Oh, my goodness!

-Grandpa's here. LUCY: Hi, Dad.

[KISSING]

[UB40'S "EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE" PLAYS]

[HARVE PRESNELL'S "THEY CALL THE WIND MARIAH" PLAYS]

[311 'S "LOVE SONG" PLAYS]

[WILL. I.AM AND FERGIE'S "TRUE" PLAYS]