Original subtitles

For Miranda,

the only thing worse than being Charlotte's 34-year-old bridesmaid

was being a 34-year-old bridesmaid without a date.

With the wedding less than a week away,

Miranda fell prey to the siren song of a New York singles' event...

Multi-dating.

$20 bought you 7 mini-dates,

each eight minutes long, which, incidentally,

is about as long as most blind dates should be.

Hi, I'm Miranda Hobbes.

Dwight Owens.

Private wealth group at Morgan Stanley.

Investment management for high net-worth individuals

and a couple of pension plans.

Like my job, been there five years, divorced, no kids, not religious.

I live in New Jersey, speak French and Portuguese.

Wharton Business School.

Any of this appealing to you?

Sure. Uh, Portuguese, that's impressive.

Obrigado. What about you, Mandy?

Um, Miranda.

I'm a lawyer at a mid-size firm.

Actually, I was recently made partner.

[bell dings]

I'm a lawyer.

-I'm a lawyer.

I went to Harvard Law School.

-I'm a stewardess.

Really?

But before the wedding bells, there's the rehearsal dinner.

You said you were a stewardess?

I was testing a theory.

The theory being?

Men are threatened by powerful jobs.

-They don't want a lawyer, they want a-- -Liar.

I was the liar.

I'd finally ended my affair with Big, but the guilt of lying to Aidan

was like a hangover I couldn't sleep off.

I'm just saying, as a lawyer, a partner, no less, I got zero dates.

And as a stewardess, I got one for tomorrow night.

I believe the correct term is "flight attendant."

Not if you want to get laid.

Hon, it doesn't matter what you say you do,

it's how you say it.

For example, "I'm in PR."

Translation,

"I give great head."

-What? -He's actually an okay guy.

Harris Bragin. Emergency Room doctor at NYU.

Yeah, but, you see,

you can't date the guy now 'cause you lied.

I'd tell him eventually.

And, by the way, if he got upset, he'd look completely shallow.

And, by the way, it would make you look schizo.

Uh, excuse me.

I, uh...

We...

See, Mother, I told you I'd become a we sooner or later.

This is, uh, a "we" toast.

I'd like to thank everyone for coming to the rehearsal dinner,

especially the out-of-towners.

My cousin, Caleb, who's in the wedding party,

came all the way from Edinburgh.

Someone had to bring the real Scotch-like, huh?

Mmm, yum, I know what I'll be having later.

But the person that I would really like to thank for showing up

is this woman right here.

Charlotte, I love you more than words can say,

and those of you who know me know I'm a man of many words,

so, God knows I've tried.

All righty, then, let's eat, drink and be married.

Hear, hear!

She's so damn happy.

Of course she's happy, she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid.

Oh, we got off easy, let's not forget, the groomsmen have to wear kilts.

I like the idea of men in skirts. Easy access.

Is it true that they wear nothing underneath?

I'll find out and get back to you.

His name was Caleb, right?

Hi there.

I'm Samantha Jones.

Caleb MacDougal, Samantha. Pleasure.

First time in New York City?

Aye, and it's brilliant-like.

The architecture, the energy, the crowds.

Well, you know.

Samantha could barely understand him,

but if his tongue could do that to his "R"s,

she wondered what it could do to her.

I'd be happy to show you around town.

That would be great, 'cause, uh...

Today I got lost trying to find my way back

from the Stanhope Hotel earlier.

Samantha wasn't the only one feeling lost.

I'm thinking I have to tell him.

-Tell who? -Aidan.

I might have to tell him about the thing with Big.

Why would you do that?

Oh, I don't know, maybe because

relationships are supposed to be built on trust?

No offense, honey, but I think that ship has sailed.

Carrie, you're right, you have to tell him.

But not before the wedding. It's supposed to be my week.

It's your day. You get a day.

Not a week.

There's no reason to tell him. Men lie about this stuff all the time.

And women find out.

No, what if he finds out?

He didn't find out you were fucking Big all over Manhattan,

why should he find out now that it's over?

Could you please not use the F-word at Vera Wang?

I got to tell you, if it was me,

and my boyfriend was sleeping with somebody else for three weeks,

I'd want to know about it. I'd want to have all the information.

That might mean more coming from someone not posing as a stewardess.

What are you talking about?

Nothing, sweetie. Just, at your wedding,

we all have to pretend Miranda's a stewardess.

It's my day.

And I don't want to pretend anything. And I don't want you and Aidan fighting.

Don't you think this could stand to be a little shorter?

Samantha, all the skirts have to be the same length.

Really, what about Trey's skirt?

It's a kilt, and it's tradition.

Is it so much to ask that you not wear your dress

up around your "see you next Tuesday"?

My what?

C-U-Next...

Tuesday?

Oh, my God!

Was that a Schoolhouse Rock I missed?

Look, if I have to be a bridesmaid, I'd at least like to look good.

Well, you don't have to be a bridesmaid.

Then why the hell am I here?

Frankly, I didn't want you to feel left out.

I would love to be left out.

I could be in bed with a hot Scot right now.

Fine.

Guys, don't do this.

Do what? We're just being honest.

Well, honestly, I hate this color.

Hey!

I started thinking about honesty.

Maybe the whole idea was overrated.

Maybe coming clean is the ultimate selfish act,

a way to absolve yourself

by hurting someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.

I cheated on a test in the fifth grade with two friends.

They confessed, got grounded, and failed the class.

I never told anyone. And it never mattered.

In a relationship,

is honesty really the best policy?

Evidently, dishonesty was the best policy for Miranda.

As a stewardess, she was an extremely charming date.

And once you work first class, you can't ever go back to coach.

-I imagine. -Oh, yeah.

No warm cookies in coach.

You get to eat the cookies?

Well, there's always some actress who doesn't want her cookie.

So, free travel, cookies...

This sounds like a great job.

You've got the great job. A New York ER?

It's not like I'm saving lives.

Well, you are, in the event of an emergency.

Well, the inflatable slide,

I'm in charge of that.

But the truth is, once we open the slide,

-it's every man for himself.

That night, Harris got to make love to a stewardess,

and Miranda didn't have to fake anything.

-Wow. -Yeah, wow.

I'd love to ask you to spend the night, but I've got an early flight to D.C.

The 5:00 a.m.-er.

I should... I should get some rest, too.

Uh, Saturdays at the hospital are non-stop

ever since Rollerblades were invented.

So...

Do you have a boyfriend in every port?

Every airport.

Seriously.

I bet you're a heartbreaker.

In truth, it's a lonely life.

In fact, there's a wedding I'm in on Sunday...

Later that week, the four of us celebrated Charlotte's last night

as a single woman.

I can't believe you're getting married.

Is this the beginning? Are you next?

Oh, yeah, I'm headed for a storybook ending.

The little curly-haired girl had an affair,

lied to her boyfriend, and lived happily ever after.

You know, marriage doesn't guarantee a happy ending.

Just an ending.

The end of dating.

All right, then!

It's also the end of the possibility

that your next great fuck is just around the corner.

Well, my next great...

-Yes? -Say it!

-...fuck... -Whoo!

...is just around the corner.

I finally get to sleep with Trey.

Excuse me?

You haven't slept with him yet?

Honey, before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive.

Well, I wanted to save myself until we got married.

But, sweetie, you're not a virgin.

Well, I am, in this relationship, and I think it's romantic.

Yeah, it's romantic until he can't figure out where to put it in.

No...

Honey, what if he's terrible?

He won't be terrible.

No. He is an amazing kisser.

-Really? -And he's so sexy,

and he loves me.

And I want to do things to him that I have never done to anybody.

Like, the other night,

I was thinking about putting whipped cream all over my body.

Low-fat Cool Whip is the best. It's less sticky than other brands.

Low-fat Cool Whip.

I can't believe you haven't slept with him.

It's been...

too long! I am so horny!

-Horny.

Later, those of us not getting married

celebrated our singleness with a booty call.

I'm so glad you called.

As soon as I landed.

[Carrie] And Samantha had a vertical Scotch tasting

that turned into a horizontal one.

I had no idea you guys were so bloody friendly-like.

She had a hard time understanding him,

but she understood he was hard.

-Oh!

Later, downtown, I decided to crawl into bed with Aidan.

Hey, Pete.

But he wasn't in his bed.

Hey, beautiful. What brings you down here?

I was trying to surprise you.

-You can't surprise a man with a dog.

I see that.

What are you working on there?

The wedding gift.

This is for Charlotte and Trey?

You said you wanted to give them a piece of my furniture.

Yeah, I didn't mean you had to make something.

We could have just picked a piece.

Well, guess what? I make all that stuff, too.

Yeah, I know, but this is...

This is too nice.

Well, I wanted it to mean something.

God, I was about to get them steak knives.

Okay, what does it mean?

Well, it's a love seat.

That I get.

It's two different types of wood from two different trees.

They blend together and make it stronger. Just like, um...

A mixed drink?

Kind of like two people in love.

-Right, that too. -Are you gonna make fun of this?

No, it's really...

nicer than anyone deserves.

You see this piece?

This big old flaw right here,

it's not a flaw really, it's just...

It's just the way the wood is.

I think it's interesting. Kind of beautiful.

So flaws can be good?

Flaws are the best part.

This was the time to tell him.

I could feel the words bubbling up inside me,

but if I told him, could he still love me?

I wasn't ready to find out.

There was another booty call that night.

Hi!

Hi, sweetie-kins.

Charlotte York, are you drunk?

Yes. Yes, I am, Trey MacDougal.

-And, today... -Mmm-hmm.

...is officially our wedding day.

And I can't wait any longer.

Can we please make love right now?

-Are you sure? -Oh, yes, yes, yes, I am.

Take me to your bedroom now.

All righty, then.

Whoo!

Well, that was unfortunate.

Has this...

Has this ever happened to you before?

Every now and then.

Oh.

I just didn't think it would happen with you.

Oh.

I mean, it's no big deal.

Sometimes intercourse just doesn't do it for me.

Oh.

You know, I can get the sails up.

I just can't bring it into the harbor.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes, there is.

What?

You can marry me.

I'm already doing that.

I love you, Charlotte.

And sex is such a small part of it for us.

You know, that's what I love about you. It's not just about the sex.

Charlotte couldn't sleep at all that night.

And neither could I.

All I could think about was the fact that I was a cheater.

I cheated and lied in fifth grade, and I was still doing it.

This isn't going to work.

What do you mean, us?

We can't have you sneaking out here at three o'clock in the morning

every time you want a cigarette.

I tried to quit, I just couldn't.

Well...

I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it.

But you said you couldn't date a smoker.

You're not just a smoker.

You're a lot of things.

And I'm not perfect.

Oh, yeah? What's your flaw?

You tell me.

I don't know.

That was another lie.

I knew what his flaw was.

It was trusting me with his heart.

Aidan, I need to tell you something.

What?

But, suddenly, I couldn't tell him.

I was afraid that if I did, he'd never look at me that way again.

So I didn't.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Let's go back and go to bed.

No, I should get home.

My stuff's at home. My stuff for the wedding.

I'm the maid of honor. I need to be presentable.

All right, I'll come with you.

No, no, stay here, just...

Just pick me up in the morning.

I'll get my stuff. I have to go.

Is this wedding black tie, because I don't have a tux.

Well, the groom is in a kilt, so, I think pretty much--

Ow!

-What happened? -Oh, I cut my finger.

-Jesus. -Ah...

It's okay, it happens.

I mean, you haven't made breakfast

till you've made it at 10,000 feet in turbulence.

Man, it's really bleeding. Look at this.

I saw it, I saw it. Oh...

-What should I do? -I don't know.

God, it's deep. You think I need stitches?

I don't know. Will you stop putting it in my face?

Well, I think it's really bad, look!

Stop it. Stop it!

Blood makes me queasy.

But you're a doctor.

Aren't you?

Not really, no.

What are you, then?

Assistant Manager of The Athlete's Foot at 81 st and Broadway.

So you lied?

I'm sorry.

I just always wanted to sleep with a stewardess.

For a brief moment, Miranda considered coming clean,

but then they'd both be liars,

and he wouldn't have slept with a stewardess,

and she wouldn't have been one.

I think you should go, Harris.

And I hope I never have you on one of my flights.

Well, I wouldn't be on first class.

No, you wouldn't.

Ow!

Hey.

Hey, I'm running late, and Charlotte will never forgive me.

I just need to...

Hey, what's that?

It's the wedding gift.

That love seat packs up nice.

-It's a Polaroid. -Oh.

You look too hot to be a bridesmaid.

I thought the whole point was to...

wear a bad dress and be humiliated.

It's not that kind of wedding.

I thought maybe one day I'd build us a love seat.

Hmm?

-Maybe. -Yeah?

All right, we're gonna be late. I'm just gonna grab my...

Come here.

I was supposed to be at the church ten minutes ago.

You never let me hold you anymore.

-Oh. Why do you keep running away? -I'm not running away.

What are you afraid of?

Aidan, I slept with my ex-boyfriend.

You met him at the furniture show, and then we slept together,

and I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry.

You slept with that guy?

When we were going out?

Once?

No, more than once.

And he was married, and it was a mess.

And I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking.

But it is so, so over, and I...

And it was wrong, and I just...

I just hope you can...

Here. I think I want to be alone.

Well...

What about the wedding?

Just go without me.

I'm going to take a walk.

Will you meet me there later?

[church bell tolling]

Miranda, please don't bleed on my dress.

I'm trying not to.

-Here we go! -Where is Carrie?

She'll be here.

Oh, Charlotte, my grandmother's necklace looks beautiful on you.

Bunny...

can I escort you to your seat, you know?

Excuse me?

He asked if he could escort you to your seat.

Oh. Certainly.

I guess it's time.

By the way, they do wear something under those kilts.

But it's easy to get off.

The wedding was complete.

Charlotte had something old, something new, something borrowed,

and someone Samantha blew.

-Carrie! -Ah!

-I'm sorry I'm so late. -It's okay, I'm just glad you're here.

Jeez, you look perfect.

Honestly?

Honestly.

-We should go.

-Oh, right. -Come on, you.

Okay.

Despite all her bitching,

Samantha actually enjoyed being a bridesmaid.

And, Miranda, back to being herself, found a last-minute date.

Carrie.

I have to tell you something.

-Right now? -Yeah.

Trey can't get it up.

What?

We slept together last night, and he couldn't get it up.

-Was he drunk? -No, I was drunk, he was fine.

Well, then, it must have just been wedding-night jitters.

He says it happens sometimes.

Since she was already in the big white dress,

I reached for a little white lie.

Hey. Happens to everybody.

I just should have slept with him the first date.

Um...

Maybe he jerked off right before you got there,

and he was just too embarrassed to tell you.

Okay?

-I do love him. -And he loves you.

Maybe he did jerk off.

Listen, Charlotte, sweetie,

if you don't want to go through this, you don't have to.

All right? We'll just get a cab

and everyone will just have to get over it.

Okay?

No.

I'm getting married.

Okay. Go.

Okay.

Carrie?

Come here.

-Yes? -Don't tell anyone.

Go.

Okay. Go!

Charlotte was 34, single, and standing in a $14,000 dress.

She was getting married.

And not even a low libido could stop her.

[church bells chiming]

Okay, could you hold this for a second for me?

Sure.

Hey.

Hey, you.

I walked around this block for about an hour.

I couldn't bring myself to go in.

I'm so sorry, Aidan.

I know that.

I never meant to hurt you.

I know.

But I did. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Couldn't it be like the wood?

And that's my flaw, and... and...

And you're the other wood, and that makes it stronger.

It's just not that simple, Carrie.

I just wish I didn't know about this.

I just wanted to be honest with you.

People make mistakes.

I just know myself.

This isn't the kind of thing I can get over.

I just need to be on my own for a while.

Be on my own.

I really loved you.

Carrie, they need us for photos.

Okay.

I told him.

Let me straighten that out.

-Come here. -Thanks.

-Hi! -Hey.

It's hard to find people who will love you no matter what.

Here we go, nice!

Everybody looks beautiful.

I was lucky enough to find three of them.