Original subtitles

It happened two days ago.

Aidan and I had been seeing each other for about three weeks, when...

What is it? A bad dream?

I'm not sure.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

And the truth was, I really didn't.

The next day, I searched for unpaid bills,

unanswered calls, unmet deadlines.

But I hadn't so much as missed a teeth cleaning.

My life appeared to be in order.

But the next night, like clockwork...

I realized I was in the throes of an existential crisis.

One that not even the sight of this season's

Dolce and Gabbana strappy sandals could lift me out of.

Ah...

Do you want to spend the night?

Mmm-hmm.

-I'm going to get us some water. -Oh, relax, I'll get it.

And then I realized it.

What was wrong was, for the first time in my life,

I was in a relationship where absolutely nothing was wrong.

I mean, it's just smooth sailing,

nothing but calm seas and blue horizon as far as the eye can see.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Absolutely. There's not a cloud in sight.

We adore each other, we have fun together, we mesh.

And this is a problem?

No, it's just, well... It just, it feels odd.

You know, I'm... I'm used to the, uh, you know, the hunt and this is...

effortless.

It's just... It's freaking me out.

I totally understand. You're not getting the stomach flip.

Which is really just a fear of losing the guy.

Maybe I'm just not used to being with someone

who doesn't do the ever-seductive withholding dance.

-Mmm. -But, you know,

there is an upside to being with a guy with no surprises.

I mean, Steve is completely predictable,

but that's one of the things I love about him.

He's just so comfortable and safe.

Are you dating a man or a minivan?

Read into it what you will, but my new favorite thing to do

on a Saturday night is Steve's laundry, and I have never been happier.

Your relationship is my greatest fear realized.

I totally understand your dilemma.

And from my experience, honey,

if he seems too good to be true, he probably is.

I don't believe this.

Now we're dumping guys for being too available.

This is all solid proof

of what I've been reading in this great new book.

It says that if you really want to get married,

you shouldn't be spending so much time around dysfunctional single women.

"Marriage Incorporated.

How to apply successful business strategies to finding a husband."

"Chapter one: How to get ahead by giving head."

Fine, make fun. But it's a very smart book.

It encourages professional women to approach finding a mate

with the same kind of dedication and organization

that they bring to their careers.

Eh. I'm more a student of chaos theory.

Anyway, if you don't see as much of me,

it's because I'll be spending more time with my married friends.

And how will this help you "meet your mate"?

Well, the bachelor friends of married men

are this city's greatest untapped resource.

But the only way to meet them is through the husbands.

So that's my first assignment. Befriend the husbands.

It's my new full-time job.

That evening, as Charlotte began her new career

as a professional husband hunter,

Miranda returned home to feather her stress-free love nest.

Hey. I heated up some leftover lasagne.

Oh, great, I'm starving. Muah!

-You want me to get some plates? -What for? It's just us.

An hour later, it was on to dessert.

Followed by exactly eight minutes of no-frills sex.

And 12 minutes of Frontline.

Funding for Frontline

is provided by the annual financial support

-of PBS viewers like you.

Theirs was the kind of closeness

that only came from true intimacy.

Meanwhile, Samantha was experiencing

the kind of intimacy that only came from true anonymity.

His name was Dr. Mark Raskin,

an ear, nose and throat man that Samantha met...

Actually, we're not quite sure where they met.

Suffice to say, it happened quickly.

Can you get me some water, please?

Mmm, what for?

I want to take a hit of Viagra.

Number one, that's very presumptuous of you, and number two,

from what I can tell, you don't need any help in that area whatsoever.

Oh, I don't need V, I just take it recreationally.

What does it do for you?

It sends me on a rocket trip right through your solar system.

I'll be right back with that water.

Ride, ride!

And while Samantha enjoyed the thrill of the new,

and Miranda's relationship happily floated on a placid sea,

I was searching for hidden icebergs.

Why are you still single?

-Why are you still single? -No, don't do that, don't be cute.

I hate when guys act all cute. Blah!

What?

-I'm waiting for an apology.

Okay, I'm a bitch, I'm sorry.

But you should know I get a tad bitchy from time to time.

-Okay. -And I'm sure you have your bad traits.

-Yep. -And they would be?

-Alphabetically? -Yeah, whatever you got.

I mean, it's all gonna come out eventually,

so I'd like to know now,

and that way I can decide if I'd like to deal with it or not.

Oh, this is the strangest two blocks I ever walked.

Well, again, I'm sorry, but...

This relationship cannot just sail on like it is. Perfect.

Because frankly, I can't take the pressure.

Okay, I'm going to kiss you now.

Seriously.

What the hell is wrong with you that you're not married?

Tell me.

Can't you just relax and go with the flow?

Go with the flow? No, I can't do that. It's so '70s. Mmm-mmm.

Well, how long do you think this phase is going to last?

Because my folks are coming to town this weekend

and I wanted you to meet them.

Wow, that's so...

-'50s? -No.

That is really nice.

So, these, um, parents that are coming to town,

would they happen to know what the hell's wrong with you?

Let's get you a donut.

Nuts!

The next evening,

taking a page from Marriage Incorporated,

Charlotte made an appointment to have dinner with her married friends,

Amy and Dennis.

Allow me to get right to the point.

After careful consideration,

I have decided that this is the year I'm getting married.

Charlotte, that's wonderful!

Who's the lucky guy?

Well, I don't know yet. And that's where you two come in.

Dennis, name one great single friend that you have to fix me up with.

Hmm, I don't know.

No one you'd like, offhand.

-What about Phil? -Phil, yeah.

Yeah, Phil, I mean, if he can tear himself away from his Internet company

long enough to go out on a date.

Yes. Phil.

Phil, Phil, Phil!

He is so nice and he's cute.

Oh, you think Phil's cute?

-He's cute. -Yeah, I guess I could see that. Yeah.

Great, then it's all set up.

I'm gonna call you tomorrow to follow up.

Look, I have tickets to the opera on Saturday night,

and I would like to take Phil.

-Great.

Phil.

The next morning before work, while sorting Steve's laundry,

Miranda came face to face with the true meaning of intimacy.

I was wrong.

There is a point at which a couple can get too comfortable,

and I think I reached it this morning washing Steve's underwear.

Why, what happened?

I'm living with skid marks guy.

Oh, no!

Oh, terrible!

I don't get it.

Why do men get skid marks?

Is it laziness? Or are they just in a rush?

I don't know, but whatever it is,

it goes hand-in-hand with urinating on the seat.

I'll tell you one thing. When your boyfriend is so comfortable

-he can't be bothered to wipe his ass... -Oh, God!

That's the end of romance, right there.

Well, it's certainly the end of laundry night.

It got me thinking.

Maybe I'm mistaking falling into a rut with intimacy.

How often are you guys having sex?

Often enough. But it's totally generic. We've got every move down pat.

It's more like a race to have an orgasm than anything else.

Still, it's nice to be a contestant, isn't it?

Sure, I know what you mean.

We whine when we don't have a boyfriend, and we whine when we do.

Do you remember how Big used to keep me away from his mother

like I was some kind of leper?

- I remember. -And how pissed it used to make me?

I remember.

Well, now Aidan's offering up both his parents on a silver platter,

and I'm not sure I want to meet them.

Maybe it's too soon.

I've never met Steve's mother, and believe me, I'm in no rush.

The irony is Aidan's acting exactly the way I wished Big would have behaved,

and I'm behaving just like Big.

Maybe you don't believe it's for real unless somebody's playing hard to get.

Hmm.

When things come too easy, we're suspect.

Do they have to get complicated before we believe they're for real?

We're raised to believe that the course of true love never runs smoothly.

There always has to be obstacles in act two

before you can live happily ever after in act three.

But what happens when the obstacles aren't there?

Does that mean there's something missing?

Do we need drama to make a relationship work?

A few days later, still hearing no word from Dennis about her date,

Charlotte made a call to his office.

Charlotte York.

He can reach me at home or at work

and it's very important that he call me immediately,

because I have tickets to the opera on Saturday, and, well...

-Never mind, just have him call me. - Thank you.

Her call unanswered, Charlotte followed up, persistently.

Well, can you tell Dennis that Charlotte York called?

Yes, yes, he'll know what it's regarding.

It's regarding my future husband, Phil.

Okay? Thank you.

Hi, you've reached the office of Dennis Fincher.

I'm either out of the office or away from my desk.

Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

Well, obviously, you have some good reason

for trying to keep Phil and I apart.

I can't imagine what it is,

but I will tell you that this is Phil's loss and not mine.

And don't bother returning this call, either.

And while Charlotte was a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown...

my anxiety-free relationship was driving me crazy.

I have two of those that are ready to go.

Hey.

-Hey. -Excuse me, sorry.

Excuse me.

-Sorry for taking so long. -That's all right, I just...

I'm gonna have to pass on dinner, I just...

It's getting so late, and I've got a deadline.

Okay, no problem.

My parents get in tomorrow night, so they're probably gonna want to crash.

But I thought you could meet us for breakfast the next day at Florent.

Hmm, well, I've been thinking about this, um,

you know, meeting your parents,

and I was just wondering if it's a good idea.

Oh, come on, they're going to love you.

No, I'm not worried about that.

I mean, parents have always been my thing.

They think I'm adorable.

What's the problem?

Well, what if they love me and, then, if we break up,

you're always gonna have to explain to them

what happened to the adorable girl?

Are you breaking up with me?

No, no.

It's just...

Where I come from,

meeting the parents,

oh-so big.

You'll meet them some other time.

Okay.

So, then I guess we won't be seeing each other this weekend.

[Aidan] Mmm.

I'll miss you.

Well, see, maybe that's good.

Maybe we should see each other less, and then we can miss each other more.

It's just...

You're so available to me and I'm so available to you.

Maybe we're both just too, you know...

available.

Carrie, it's no big deal. I have a life.

I was just making room for you in it.

See, you always say the right things.

-Good-bye. -Bye.

Bye.

This is nuts. I'm sabotaging

-the best relationship I've ever had.

Trust me, it's much better to have a man cooling his heels waiting for you,

-than the other way around. -I guess.

Besides, if you hadn't been available tonight,

I would be here all alone. Just some pathetic dateless freak.

-I'm so glad it worked out for you.

-Who are you calling? -I am not taking this laying down.

Hi, you've reached Amy and Dennis.

-Leave it at the beep.

Well, here I am, at the opera,

which I planned on going to with Phil, who, I guess, you've decided

I'm not good enough for--

Hey, Charlotte, hi. Hey, it's Dennis.

I'm so sorry, I just got back from a business trip

and my secretary gave me all your messages.

-Oh. -I had no idea

you wanted to meet Phil so badly.

Well, he sounded nice.

It's not a big deal.

Well, why don't I set something up, tomorrow evening, 7:30?

You know Rudy's, Midtown?

I love that place.

Well, uh, Phil will meet you there. I guarantee it.

Okay.

-I am so silly.

I created all of that drama in my head for nothing.

-What are we seeing, again? -Aida.

[Samantha and Mark moaning]

Mmm!

Well, I guess I'm in for another wild ride.

I'd say we both are.

What would happen if I tried one of these?

I don't think they've established that it works for women.

There's no harm in trying. Is there, Doctor?

Bottom's up.

Mmm.

Twenty minutes later,

Samantha officially became the first woman to land on the moon.

Whoa!

Isn't the opera romantic?

Even more so with a man.

Well, I did expect to be taking Phil.

It's quite a lovely evening you had planned

for a man you've never even met.

Well, he sounded really nice.

-Here. -Thanks.

[opera singer singing]

You know what, honey? I'm not... I'm not feeling so well.

-I'm gonna go home, all right? -Do you want me to come with you?

-No, no, no, I'm fine. Stay, enjoy. -But--

Shh, it's all right, I'll call you later.

I'll be right back.

I knew it was rude and a tad overdramatic,

but I felt like I'd just seen The Phantom of the Opera.

Yes, ditching Charlotte was slightly hysterical,

but the idea of sitting across from Big and Natasha

through the second act of Aida was too emotional to bear.

This time, I knew what was wrong.

The shock of seeing Big again not only made my stomach flip,

it sent my spleen leaping right into my throat.

-Mother?

Hello?

Hey, it's me. I'm really sorry.

What's wrong?

Uh, I saw Big tonight, at the opera.

Oh, that's why you ditched Charlotte.

She told you? Is she pissed?

I think she's swearing off women forever.

You okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm great, actually.

I'm realizing that maybe there is something to this available man thing.

Yeah, it's kinda nice.

Just remember to separate your whites.

Now I know I want to be with a man who wants to be with me.

You know, I've had enough relationship drama for one lifetime.

Don't you think you should be telling this to Aidan?

Miranda, it's 3:00 a.m. I'll wait until a more civilized hour.

The next morning, I waited until a decent hour

to call Aidan at the store and tell him how much I missed him.

Furniture company.

Hi, it's Carrie calling for Aidan.

-He's not here right now. -Oh, he's not?

Um... Well, just tell him I called?

I'll give him the message.

-All right, thanks. -Bye.

When I hadn't heard from him by that evening,

I began to get butterflies in my stomach.

Hey, I'm not in, but Pete is.

Hey, it's Carrie.

Remember me? The girl you wanted to introduce to your parents?

Um, anyway, I'm just calling to say hey.

Hey.

I was getting a dreaded feeling that I had played this all wrong.

Suddenly, the idea of losing Aidan left me short of breath.

Meanwhile, Miranda was trying not to breathe anywhere near Steve's shorts.

[washing machine door shuts]

What are you doing?

I thought you might need some help with the wash.

But there's nothing like a twist in the third act

to spice up even the most banal scenario.

And while Miranda and Steve found new life in the familiar,

Charlotte was blindly feeling her way through the unfamiliar.

Excuse me. Are you Phil?

Sorry.

Are you Phil?

I could be.

-Hi. -Well, hello.

Are you here to chaperone?

Yeah, sort of.

What's wrong? You couldn't trust me alone with Phil?

Uh, actually, Charlotte, Phil's not coming.

-What? -I never called Phil.

I didn't want you to meet him,

'cause you'd really like him and that could create a problem for me.

What are you talking about?

I think I'm in love with you, Charlotte.

You can't be in love with me, you're married to my friend.

Yeah, things haven't been going so great with us lately,

and ever since I saw you that night at dinner,

I couldn't stop thinking about you.

This is nuts!

No, come on, come on. Don't leave, don't leave!

You kept all of your great single friends away from me

just so you could cheat on your wife?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Such a spark plug. I love that about you.

I'm not interested in starting some married man's car!

Wait, no, no, wait!

Wait, don't leave. Please, I love you!

Charlotte, please. Please, I love you!

Wait!

Taxi! Taxi!

What the hell?

Are you all right?

Hey, are you all right?

Oh, um... Yeah, yeah, I think so.

-Here, let me help you. -Thanks.

I'm Trey.

Charlotte.

And that's how, in the most dramatic fashion,

Charlotte met her new leading man.

Well, time to pop one of those baby blues.

Hey, let's go au naturel this time.

No, I really, really want one.

Don't you think we're good without it?

No, I do not.

Come on, let's save it for those special times.

No, give me my pills, god damn it!

Mark realized that maybe he had introduced

a bit too much intensity into their relationship.

He wrote Samantha a prescription

and she promised never to call him again.

You have no messages.

After two days of not hearing from Aidan,

I realized only a dramatic gesture could salvage things.

-Hey, great. Can we get a table? -Yeah, you got it.

Thank you.

You're going to...

-Hi. How are you? -Hey, how are you?

-You're going to like this place.

Hey.

What's... What's going on?

I know you asked me to be here and I wasn't sure if I could.

Honestly, you know, I mean, meeting the parents is so...

But then I realized, no, I want to meet the parents,

but I didn't know if you still wanted me to meet the parents,

because I've been calling you and you haven't called me back,

so, then I thought, you know what? I'm just going to go,

because being in an actual relationship means taking a risk,

you know, it's just a leap of faith.

No matter how many times

one might have been disappointed in the past. So...

So, I said to myself, I'm just gonna show up.

Because you're a good man.

A really good man.

So why haven't you called me back?

You wanted me to be less available, so I was trying to be less available.

Really?

Oh.

Well, you don't have to do everything I say.

Well, you're here now.

Can I introduce you to my parents?

Aren't they going to think I'm nuts?

Oh, probably, but they'll just have to get used to that.

Come on, nuts.

I realized then, that I had made my stomach flip all on my own.

And it felt really nice.