Original subtitles

Who's got two forks and meatball boobs?

This guy.

Gene, please just eat your food. And also, give me back my fork. But I'm

to entertain our guests.

Hey, there's still plenty of the dinner oatmeal I brought. Am I the only one

eating it? I guess I never really thought of oatmeal as a dinner food.

It is when it has peas in it. Add one kernel of corn that I hid in there. The

person who finds it wins.

Wins what?

Really? What?

Okay. No, just the coin.

Oh. So, Gail, how's the performance art group thingy going? What's it called

again? The Performance Art Collective Workshop of Performance Artists. Right.

It's fantastic.

A big showcase is this Friday, and you're all invited.

Oh, great.

Dad loves it.

And it's kid -friendly.

Don't worry, there's not any nudity or anything.

Well... I mean, there was gonna be, but Ansel slammed the book too hard on his

penis, and long story short, he's recovering.

What are you gonna do at the showcase, Aunt Gail? It's a piece I call Gail

Gardens. I made a romper and a hat completely out of fertilizer, mulch, and

chicken wire, and I put a whole garden on it. Flowers, grass, no worms, though.

Not my decision. I was open to it, but the worms were not collaborative.

I'm gonna...

Wow.

Whoa.

really want to sit next to me when we have discussion sessions in the group

hammock. Plus, I've slept with both of them. Oh, my God. I want to be in a

performance art collective.

No. So what are these two Casanovas like?

Well, first there's Victor. He's brooding and mysterious and super

condescending in a sexy way.

I'm calling my piece Poor Us.

I'm fascinated by pores.

We're all made up of holes, little black holes, empty longing, loneliness.

So it's porous like pores, but also poor us.

I think I get it. No, you don't, but it's fine. We're all just full of holes

wanting to be filled.

We didn't make love.

There. We waited till we got to my car.

Okay, we don't have to get into all that.

No, Mom, that ain't Gail Talk.

This is really interesting.

Hmm, then there's Dean.

He's kind of boring, but he's hot. You know how I like him, Linda.

Massive elbows, but his eyes kind of... So, for my piece, I'm thinking about

doing a headstand the whole time. And I've never done one before. See?

Like this.

That's great.

What does it mean?

Well, you know when the world feels like it's upside down?

Mm -hmm. Also, I really want to learn to do a headstand. Huh.

Sorry, I'm laying all this headstand stuff on you. You're just so easy to

to. Make it happen to me. Oh, sure.

But we didn't do it there.

We did it in his childhood bedroom, which is also his adult bedroom.

Okay, who wants dessert?

So, you think you could get serious about one of these guys? Settle down? Or

into the sun? I mean, it's fun being fought over, but why buy the wiener dog

when you can get the wieners for free?

I don't think that's the thing, is it? No, it is. Okay.

I don't know. I'm glad I bought my wiener dog, even though he sheds

But seriously, you do. Yeah. At least he stopped dragging his butt across the

carpet. Uh, well, uh, it's getting late.

Uh, yeah, that's how time works, Bob. This guy.

Oh, I almost forgot. Remember those necklaces I made out of tampons when I

out of cotton balls?

Yeah. Well, I found them the other day when I was cleaning out my freezer, and

thought, hey, I'll bring them to dinner.

Everybody can have one. Here, go ahead. Take a tampon necklace.

Oh. Here,

Bob. They're one size fits all and perfect for any occasion.

Father, you look stunning.

Yeah, great.

Kids, time to think about getting ready for bed.

Yeah, I thought about it.

It's just not really my thing anymore.

Okay, go on. Go brush your teeth.

And then after that, we'll all visit some more.

Oh, shush. Come on. Foot rub time. Let's go. Oh, now?

Yeah. Mr. Grumpy needs a foot rub. Gonna rub all the grumps out of you. your

feet uh okay sorry about what's happening right now gail with

my feet oh well that's a gross nice thing kids wait before you brush your

i gotta pee first out of my way

That's good.

Ignoring the smell, because I love you. Anybody else just mesmerized by Dad's

pterodactyl toenail? I can't look away.

I can.

Wait, no, I can't. I just looked. How have they not had to amputate it?

having to sleep next to that thing. I've got to watch my back or I get sprained.

Okay, give me my sock back. You're all mean, and I don't like any of you

anymore. Gil, are you okay?

Gotta go.

Bye.

Okay. Bye, hon.

It was the toenail, right? Definitely. Oh, yeah.

No.

Also, Bob, when I'm done, you've got to roll the ball on my butt. Okay. And

that's how babies are made.

Well, that was a pretty long visit from your sister last night. I feel like

we're good on Gail visits for a while, right? Linda!

Get over here!

Linda, I'm here to thank you. Gail, what are you talking about? What is it?

Something amazing.

I just had to come right over and tell you in person. And also, I can't find my

phone. Have you checked your fanny pack?

Oh, yes, here it is. I shall go home and call him. No, no, no, just tell me. I'm

changing my performance piece. No more Gale Gardens.

Oh? Last night, I was thinking, it could be nice to have my own wiener dog and

to be someone else's wiener dog. So I decided, I'm doing Mallory!

What? For the piece.

Oh. And in real life.

What? Oh, boy. Holy crap. Wow. Who's the lucky wiener? Dean.

Well, Victor, I don't know yet. You don't know yet?

Do they know?

Yeah, they know. They're into it. They are?

Big time. They think it'll make an interesting art piece.

Okay, so it is just for art. Yeah, but also for life. I really don't see what's

so confusing about this. I'm finally getting married, and it's all thanks to

you, Linda.

Yay, Mom!

Save it for your wedding toast, Mom.

So wait, Gail, you're telling me you're getting married this Friday to one of

these two art guys, but you don't know which one?

I don't know which one yet, but who I marry isn't the point, Linda. The point

is, I'm getting married.

And you know what made me want to get married? Was seeing you rub a tennis

on Bob's foot.

Yeah, normally that has the opposite effect. Yeah, I usually need a few days

recover after seeing the toenail. It belongs in a museum!

I want to rub someone's feet with tennis balls.

Then rub mine.

And our nasty toothbrushes will sit together by the sink. I'll rust the old

razors together by the tub.

Aw. Gail, I'm going to say it. I think you're rushing into this. No.

Of course I'm rushing into it. Lena, I've joined a lot of art collectives and

I've made love to a lot of men.

But this is the first time two of them are fighting over me. So you do the

One, two.

I did it. So I'm going to have both of them come to the restaurant this

afternoon. First Victor, then Dean. Then you can all help me decide who to

choose. Oh, okay. I'll set up the obstacle course. Do we have any live

Kids, go to school. Oh, I can drive them. In the sex car.

Oh, no, no, no. You can walk.

They can walk. It's so close.

All right. I'm going to go show my wedding dress.

I need bubble wrap. Bob, do you have any? Why do you need bubble wrap?

Because I want the dress to be classy and to make noises.

Uh -huh. We're all out. Eh, that's okay. I'll just take it out of my neighbor's

packages.

I'm getting mad at you.

We told you to get new razors.

School, now!

Hey, kid, you're right on time.

Yeah. We tried to leave school earlier, but apparently that's frowned upon.

It's like they're upset with us. So wait, you're going to get married to one

these two guys each Friday?

Wow. I know. Pretty soon I'm going to be doing typical married things, like

weaving nets and fishing together down in the lagoon. Singing sea shanties.

Wearing matching unitards. Getting the married person newsletter.

I can't wait.

So, uh, do you have an officiant yet? Because I am ordained. Really?

Yeah. I was supposed to officiate my cousin's wedding last spring, but then

went with this minister from the church because he had, quote, been a friend of

the family forever and made a miraculous recovery from cancer. Total BS.

I mean, I went... Thinking of heaven, I can't do it. Of course, your cat makes

sense. I understand.

Is this a good spot? Can you all see?

Yeah. Remember, you rule quietly observing and you'll vote at the end.

Or we don't do any of this?

No. Come on, Mom.

I kind of have to use my first rule of vision. I'll move feet. No, wait. That's

good. Don't look at the wall. You sound.

You smell.

Sniff out a winner for me. Okay, Eddie?

Teddy. I'm ready, too.

Bye. I'll be in touch.

That was fun.

Let's tally up the scores. Tell me everything. Let's pick me a spouse.

Victor, for sure. What? Okay. Bob. What? I like him. He's smart. I mean, sure,

he was pretty aloof and kind of rude, but he's the real artist.

Did you see Dean?

You want to wake up next to Smart or you want to wake up next to Dean? I can't

read my notes. Who was first?

Victor, the best one. Hey, I wrote, smells like burgers. Is that crazy?

That's, I mean... I'm with Tina. I have Dean in the lead. Good posture, very

complimentary of my water pouring, even though there was some spillage on his

lap and shoes and legs and arms. It was a real flash dance situation.

I'm Team Victor. He's dark. He seems like the kind of uncle who would give

weapon for Christmas, but also not come over for Christmas because he doesn't

like you, which I love.

I didn't get any of that. I just wrote, Dean smells like fries.

Teddy, I think you were smelling your food.

People, don't encourage... this well we're deadlocked what do we do let's

reviewing what about the interview round my first question was a good one right

what animal would i fight for you i would say the most complicated animal

specifically my neighbor brad i want to write a book about victor Dean answered

that question with his arms in his hot face.

Geez, do I have to fight an animal? One time a chicken beat me at tic -tac -toe,

but I was happy for the chicken. Sweet, hot, dumb Dean.

Okay, so what about the dancing section?

Marriage is 80 % dance compatibility. I think Paul Abdul said that.

You know, I couldn't tell.

The other customers seemed confused.

Deal. And the foot rubbing.

Thoughts. I feel nothing.

The balls still have their scent on them. Eddie, you want to smell them?

that'll help you too, sweet guy.

I'm good. I'm still trying to decide who should officiate.

Give them here.

Enough! Everyone just stop! You're all having a whole lot of fun. But this is

Gale's life we're talking about.

Gale, you shouldn't be marrying either one of these guys.

They're not right for you. This is a very bad idea.

Okay,

but if you had to choose... Finger!

I really wish you'd be more supportive of my art slash marriage to someone I'm

not sure who. I'm just saying you don't have to settle for one of these weirdos

you barely know.

Wait for a guy who deserves you.

Easy for you to say, Linda. You found your wiener dog. Look, this is

Whether you like it or not, I've got the marriage licenses all ready to go. They

just need to be signed. In blood, I assume, right? Ah, Gail!

Linda, if you can't support me, I just don't even want you to be there.

In fact, I've decided. You're not coming. You are banned.

Banned? Banned. From the entire performance art showcase.

Are you saying banned?

Obviously. I have made it so.

Good day.

Also, Eddie, you're hired. You can officiate my wedding. Wait.

I mean, sorry, Linda. Feeling good, though. I'm an officiant. I'm going to

my cousin and see if I can work it into conversation.

Hey, Ralph, did you see the game last night? No? Well, anyway, I'm officiating

already.

Mom, I... Love that you got banned from Aunt Gail's wedding slash art show and

we're still going so we can sneak you in. I'm excited about being in jail.

You're a great parent.

I don't love it. I'm not excited about going to jail. No one's going to jail.

You're just getting me into the art show. I gotta stop Gail. You already

that. That's how you got banned.

I'm gonna do a better job this time. Look, I wore Gail's tampon necklace to

back in a good grade. It does go with everything.

I'm gonna tell her how much I love her and how I want the best for her and if

have to, we'll grab her, put her in a sack and carry her out. Should we

Skip to the kidnapping a sack part? Um, why not just let Aunt Gail do this, Mom?

She's really excited about the foot rubbing thing. I know she's excited

the foot rubbing thing, but you don't get married in a dumb art piece in some

dumb warehouse to some guy that you chose by going eeny, meeny, miny, moe

because you wanted a foot rub.

She wants to give foot rubs, too. Thank you, Tina.

Why was I so worried? It's not like they have security at these things.

Hold on. You can't go in. Oh, whoa.

Yeah, Aunt Gail's not fooling around.

They can enter. You cannot.

Damn it.

So, what do you want to do? I'm going to go around and find another door. You go

in, look for a back door or a side door. Any door. Pop it open and I'll find

you. I don't know. I don't think that's... Okay, well, enjoy all the

on there that I won't be able to see because I won't be in the building.

Bye. We'll never forget you.

It's arty time.

Back door. Back door. Anyone see a... Oh, they're gone.

Door. Door.

Door. What the... At the back door. Let me

in.

There are so many doors.

Hold on.

What? There's one door. What the hell is he talking about?

This is like a bad dream.

Doors. Oh, my God. This is art?

I guess it is.

Here, shoot the world.

Oh, okay.

Huh. Reloading. Oh, um...

Reloading again.

You want to press the thing? I feel like you're missing the...

Yeah, sure.

Left the distribution center July 10th, 2 .15 p .m. Arrived at regional origin

facility July 12th, 4 .18 p .m. Departed regional origin facility July 13th, 10

.59. This is my favorite one so far, but I haven't seen any of the other ones.

Good done. Please, move along.

This piece is really striking to me.

I can't move and I don't know why.

I can't...

and I don't know why. I can't move and I don't know why.

Okay, I think I've got the gist of this one.

I can't, I can't tell which one is you. Hold on.

Finally.

Hi. More like bye.

All right, I'll go.

No, no, no, ma 'am. Walk away.

No, no, ma 'am.

Walk away.

Okay, fine. I'm leaving. I hope someday your sister tries to marry someone she

just met, and I'm a security guard there, and I won't let you in. Yeah,

You don't have the training or the temperament for it. You don't have the

peppermint for it.

I'll just go in the roof. There's got to be a way in from up there. That's how

Santa does all his sneaky crap.

Okay, I've been around the whole building. I might just give up.

Oh, real door.

Len, Len, are you trying to let that bandwoman into the gallery?

Huh? Oh, no, of course not. She's a bad lady.

Yeah, she is. I mean, she's my wife, but I'll probably get a different one.

Oh, there you are. Hey, can I have your last names real quick for the ceremony?

Smith. Okay.

Fair bench stop in Hogan. Seriously?

God, I hope it's not you. I mean, good luck to both of you.

And the fiddler is on the roof.

Okay. Looking for doors, hatches, vents.

Are there no rooftop entrances? Are you kidding me? How the hell are you

supposed to break into this dumb art collective warehouse?

Oh, crap.

Is Mom on the roof?

Oh, no, Len, no. This is how I want her at my wedding.

What should I do? Get started!

Okay. Thank you all for coming.

We shall begin this wedding by asking the bride who she is going to marry for

real, in real life, but also for art. But it's real, and it counts, and this

officiant will try to be as efficient as possible.

Thank you. So, Gail, if you would make your choice, Dean Smith or Victor Verpin

Stoffeloff against us.

David, does anyone object to this wedding date? Huh? No. What?

You're skipping way ahead.

I've got an amazing Maya Angelou quote coming up. Say that.

Does anyone here object to this wedding?

I do.

Oh, my.

I can't marry either of you.

Damn it. I thought I wanted to get married to have someone who... feet I

balls all over and vice versa. At least it seemed like a thing I should want.

But now I'm looking up at my sister up there on the roof, banging on a

and she's wearing a tampon necklace I made. And I was just thinking about how

happy I was when I made those necklaces.

Just me sitting there in my apartment by myself pulling apart tampons to make

this beautiful thing.

This accessory that goes with any occasion.

And I realized my sister This is right. I don't need to settle for either of

these guys.

No offense, you're both great. I mean, you're fine. Maybe if I could mush you

together in some sort of a machine, maybe make those elbows even a little

bigger. Anyway, my sister is also wrong, which are my five favorite words,

because I don't need to wait for someone who deserves me. I don't need to wait

for anyone, because the right person already showed up. But it's me, and so

marrying like hell.

Oh, my.

Bond. I unbond.

She's saying unbanned, right? Yeah, obviously. Have you never been bond?

Do you take this gale in holy matrimony to be your lawfully married to yourself

person? I do.

And gale, do you take this gale to be your lawfully wedded gale? I do.

I now pronounce you gale and gale. You may kiss yourself.

Okay. Every pot has a lid.

Jersey Mike? Oh, sure.

Well, that was beautiful.

Wasn't it beautiful?

Gail's speech was actually kind of inspiring.

Are you going to get divorced and be alone with yourself?

Dibs on mom.

No, I'm just saying, feeling complete just as you are, going against what

society pressures you to be with marriage and feet stuff.

I think she inspired me to accept my gross toenail. Dad, that is not what you

should have taken from this. Yeah, you need to go to a doctor.

That thing is a monster.

No, it's part of me and I accept it. Let's cut it off.

Okay, fine. Yay!

You're a wonderful gale.

So delightful, you're simply gorgeous, head to toe.

You've got a raging libido. You're sexy and swell.

You're my kind of gale.

Undeniable for panty pack.

The boys all swoon. Pretty soon it's, hey, you're a rogue. You're tampons

You're a master of art. You're a wonderful, magical, sexy... Okay.