Original subtitles

Your brain may tell you that cards can't float,

but what do your eyes say?

Whoa. Awesome!

Yo Mark, you think he's a real sorcerer?

C'mon dude, magic is even real, okay? It's just tricks.

Guy's basically a mime with a ponytail.

Yeah, but it's floatin'.

Hank, it's a simple optical illusion, okay.

They debunk all this stuff on YouTube.

- This guy's Bush League- - Bush League! Wow!

So would the chatty chap like to volunteer for my next trick?

Eh, might wanna find a better mark, okay.

I know how all these tricks work, pal.

Oh, is that so?

Well then... why don't you... pick a card?

Pfft. Alright, buddy.

Write your name on it and just place

it between my hands right here.

Uh-huh. Yeah okay, dude.

And now... [crowd gasps]

Alright, relax. It's in his sleeve.

Oh, really?

Alright, well then it's under his uh, ha--

Ach. The hell, dude?

Ew, c'mon, eugh.

What the hell?!

Welcome... to the Portal. [crowd applause]

Try again next time...

Pfft! Yeah, whatever. Guy's a hack.

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

C'mon dude, you can't just put a foreign object

in someone's mouth without their consent?

I mean, that's probably a felony right there.

And the way he was celebratin'? I mean, act like you've

been there before.

- I mean, he did get you you pretty good there, Mark.

Uh, he did not get me, Hank, okay!

Also, it's unethical to trick people, okay?

A magician is essentially a professional liar,

and if you want to celebrate that Hank, that's on you.

But I for one, am not going to take it.

So uh, what are you gonna do?

Uh, I'm gonna figure out how he did it,

and then I'm gonna go to his next show

and expose him as the fraud that he is.

You think maybe uh, he's... put it in through the back door?

Pfft. Oh yeah? Think I wouldn't notice that?

And then what? I just reverse digested into my mouth?

Maybe it was never in your mouth at all.

Jinglebells, where the hell'd you come from?

I've been eavesdropping. I was walking the dog

and I heard you talking about magic:

My third biggest passion.

Wait, uh. What are the first two?

- Sex and law. - Oh, nice.

Yo David, let me ask you something.

You happen to know uh, local magician named Trent Portal?

Trent Portal? Yeah, he's a big deal down at the Conjurors Club.

He used to haze the crap out of me when I was a Hat Bunny.

That's the novice level.

So uh, what level are you now?

Snake in a Can.

Alright, so let me ask you, if the card wasn't in my mouth,

what'd he have it up his sleeve?

I swear I felt his fingers on my tongue and everything.

I'm guessing it's some sort of sleight-of-hand.

But honestly, I'd have to see it to know for sure.

Alright, dude. I need you coming with me to his next show.

Ahh, I don't know, Mark... outing a trick is a huge

violation of the magician's code...

Buuut he did relentlessly paddle me

with a magic wand during Hell Week.

It'd be nice to take him down a few pegs.

What the hell. I'm in.

Andrea! - Hi, Tammy.

Wow, you got a lot goin' on here.

Acute carpal tunnel arthritis--

--Phone paws, from work--

--Elective dialysis for your bi-annual kidney flush--

I don't take bathroom breaks, real time suck, Tammy.

I have an incredibly stressful corporate

job that demands all of my time and is hell on my body.

Rather than deal with doctor's appointments and

"taking care of my health," I just go hard and check myself

into the hospital once a year to reset the system.

Okay well, that's... innovative.

I have to say, Tammy,

that was an impressively smooth IV change.

And your bedside manner is so mild

as to be non-existent.

You might be the best nurse I've ever had.

Aw, thanks, Andrea. That's really nice to hear.

I've been feelin' pretty under- appreciated at work lately.

Oh, just quit and sue them.

Even if it's meritless, I guarantee they'll settle.

Eh, not really my style. But it would be nice to win a NOTY.

- A naughty? - A nurse of the year award.

They're giving it out next weekend

at the Medicine Ball, but ugh, this guy,

Kardgen always frickin' wins.

Whatever, I don't care. Awards are dumb anyway.

You're just saying that because you never win.

Well, it's ridiculous. I'm the best nurse here.

And they always give it to Kardgen?

Aw, come on... - Kardgen? Like with a K?

You type it all five fingers?

- Arghhh! Careful in your carpal tunnel--

I've seen all I need to see.

This guy's clearly playing the game.

He's got 25,000 followers!

Meanwhile, I'm looking at your profile, and it's terrible.

How did you--? Gimme that!

You have zero brand, let alone brand awareness.

No wonder Kardgen's winning nursing awards, look at him--

What does that have to do with being a good nurse?

Online visibility and brand awareness are wayyy more

important than actually being good at something.

Huh. I guess I'm a total idiot

to think I'd be recognized for my skills at my job.

Yes, you are.

If only you had a neighbor who worked in PR.

[knock, knock] Hey, Gorgeous.

Hi, Kardgen.

You didn't answer my invite for the

pediatric liver failure awareness flash mob.

Are you coming? It does affect the costumes.

Uh. No, I can't go, because I got

put in charge of all your patients.

Amazing. Thank you.

You're the best, Tamz.

Yep. He's annoying. You need to start posting, stat.

Uh, I feel like a baseball cap would've been

sufficient there, David.

If Trent recognizes me, it'll ruin

any chance I have of being promoted.

Plus, Andrea asked me to break in her new heels.

It's a win-win.

Enter. The Portal...

Are you ready?

Get on your feet! Hahaha!

Bring it, Portal.

[crowd] Whoa! Wow!

Write your name on a card.

Oh, this is it! Yo, David--

- Yo, what's he doing there? - Shh.

Reverse palm displacement.

He's flicking it behind his right wrist--

He's wristing it! He's wristing it!

- Yo, check behind his wrist! - Excuse me?

Yeah, the card's behind your right wrist, pal.

Sorry, but you gotta do better.

You're getting paid for this right, guys?

Oh God, are you the guy from the mall?

Hey, I toldja not to pick me.

You're bested, Portal.

Go on. Show 'em.

Haha... well... You got me.

[crowd murmurs]

Yooo. There it is. He admits it.

Just a stupid, basic sleight of hand trick...

God, I'm such a hack.

Hey. Your words, not mine.

God, what was I thinking?! Idiot! I suck!

Alright, dude. C'mon. Take it easy.

- It's not a big deal. - It is a big deal!

I'm a fraud.

I'm-- I'm an amateur.

I don't deserve to stand on this stage.

I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve any of this...

Alright, yo. Let's pump the brakes here bud,

alright. Just take the L and move on. C'mon.

I'm sorry-- I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Trent, don't do anything stupid, dude.

C'mon. [gunshot] Oh, my God.

[crowd screams] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Call 9-1-1! - Hey Siri, call 9-1-1!

Oh, man, dude. I was just trying to bust his balls-

I didn't think he was gonna like--

It's not your fault, Mark. It's not your fault.

[sighs] He's gone.

Oh, God. Oh, God, dude.

What'd I do? Dude...

- ...Or is he? - Wait... what?

Hahaha!

Wait a min-- no...

The only minds being blown today are yours!

Wow. That's pretty good.

And that, my friends, is what happens when the Mark

tries to match wits with the Master.

Okay, Portal. Okay.

I mean, I dunno, Mark, that was a pretty good trick.

Yeah well, I'm gonna to beat it, okay. I got no choice.

I'm in a classic magician's duel.

Mark, he's a Level Seven Legendary Master Magician.

It takes years to perfect those tricks.

Well, that's why I'm not doing any "tricks."

I'm going full David Blaine, okay.

That's real magic, like when he, uh drowns himself or like,

you know, when he eats those wine glasses

in front of like, Robert De Niro.

The eating glass thing, that could actually

be good. How does he do that one, David?

I think he just grinds it up in his

teeth until it becomes like sand.

Oh yeah? Alright. I'mma try that.

- No-- I wouldn't do that. - Relax, okay?

I got real strong enamels.

[glass crunching]

Boom. Magic.

♪ [Dance]

Loosen up your hips, Tam. You look like a cadaver.

This is so stupid.

Well you're not gonna win that award by changing bedpans.

C'mon, let's go again.

Five...six...seven... And left, right, oh...

Oh hey, Jasmine. Just filming an educational video.

Just wanna let you know that

Albert passed away early this morning.

Oh my gosh, Albert...

He was one of my patients.

You okay?

It's just... so... hard sometimes.

You form these bonds with people

and you're doing everything you can,

but sometimes it still isn't enough.

Sorry, Andrea. I know we can't use that.

- I'll start over. - Are you kidding?

That was gold. Raw, emotional.

People eat that stuff up. I just posted it.

It already has 2,000 views.

You're kidding. How'd they even watch it that fast?

I'm a hashtagging savant.

Ooh, look at the number going up!

Mark? What happened? Are you okay?

Oh, hey uh, Tam. Yeah, I didn't wanna bug ya.

I'm actually fine. I'm good.

You ate glass?

A little bit, yeah. Little bit.

How'd you accidentally eat glass?

It was no accident, okay. It was calculated and well-executed.

- Well, that's half-true.

David? What are you doing here?

I'm helping Mark in a magician's duel.

David-- shh-- Nah, nah, it's gonna be a whole thing.

What the hell are you doing in a magician's duel?

If you wanna do magic, maybe start with a magic kit?

That's for kids, dude. I'm not doing that.

The Medicine Ball is coming up and I don't want you showing up

looking like you were making out with a lawnmower.

This event is really important to me.

Relax Tam, I'll be there, okay.

[Gasp] Oh my God, the Medicine Ball.

Mark, Trent Portal is performing there.

Wait, get the hell outta here, you serious?

Why does that name mean something to you?

Eh. No reason.

Look, I don't know what's going on

but I got to go back to work.

Just stop eating glass, okay?

Alright, looks like we got our venue, okay?

We need to go big. I'm talking the

craziest magic trick in the books.

It's gotta be some kind of ancient,

dark arts trick that's gonna blow Portal's mind... For real.

Mark, these kinds of tricks... this is how people end up dead.

Yeah, or looking cool. Go big or die tryin' David.

So you gonna to help me find this crazy trick or what?

There is a book...

It holds the shadowy secrets of yore.

Arcane sorcery, forbidden magic...

Yo, that's what I'm talking about, dude.

Where do we find this thing?

It's not gonna to be easy...

I put it really far in the back.

Damn, David. What do you got your whole closet in there?

This is my closet. Andrea's got all the upstairs ones.

Ugh, I gotta donate some of these hats--

Ah, here we go--

" Compendium Magié Prohibitae."

Yoo, this is what I'm talking about. This is classic!

The grimoire of Ignatius Dunkaroo, Houdini's rival.

- A renowned madman. - Ooh, not bad, not bad.

Got the creepy stuff going on, a little mystical action.

Ooh, yo.

What's this one, dude? This is wild.

Ehh, let's pick another one. That's way too dangerous.

Nah nah, c'mon. It's gotta be this one, dude.

Look at that. I can totally do that.

Mark, this is the trick that killed Dunkeroo.

- Even he couldn't do it. - Exactly.

That's gonna make me look even cooler!

No! This is madness. I'm not gonna support this.

Yo. C'mon, David.

Just imagine we upstage Portal with a legendary,

never-been-done trick. When your little magic club gets

wind that you helped me pull it off,

dude, you're gonna be in the VIP room

sippin' Absinthe Martinis with the frickin' Criss Angel.

Ahh... Martini's with the Mind Freak does sound kinda nice...

The Jarred Man. -The Jarred Man.

Hey, do you need any vagina hats?

I'm good.

- Loved your video, Tammy. - I see you, Big T.

Hey, Tammy. Congratulations. - For what?

I just saw you were nominated for a NOTY.

No way! Oh that's frickin' awesome!

Thank you, sir. That's great news.

Well deserved. Good luck.

Thanks, Dr. Mishra!

Did you hear that!? It worked!

- I got nominated! - Good!

Kardgen is flailing right now.

He posted 8 videos yesterday and took off his shirt in one.

Very desperate.

Alright, so... I guess now we just wait?

No, you need to do one more video.

Really drive things home. I found the perfect setup...

This family's about to end life support and

I want you in there when he goes.

Just feel your feelings, bare your soul,

then we'll post it.

This is so messed up.

Hi there. Nurse Tammy Hoagies.

I just wanted to come by and pay my respects.

Thank you. That means a lot.

It's... moments like this that make it

hard to be a nurse, you know--

Damn you, cancer.

I did everything I could to help him.

Your dad was so strong--

That's my mom.

Oh... I mean... you know... Um...

And she didn't have cancer.

She was in a sumo suit at a birthday party,

got bounced out of the ring, and rolled down a hill into traffic.

- Oh, uh... - Are you even her nurse?

- Stop filming! - My hands locked up!

Oh, my god. You're filming this? Hi, followers!

This bitch nurse is clout farming my dying mom,

who she misgendered and misdiagnosed.

Oh, it was a mistake. - Follow! Subscribe!

Oh, please, it's really not me.

- Don't film me. - No comments at this time.

Sorry for your loss. Oh, God.

Hoo. So that was a mess.

Definitely just cost yourself the award.

Me? That was your stupid idea!

Ugh, I should have checked the paperwork.

I don't have time for a full post-mortem,

but unfortunately, I have to fire you as my client.

I'm your client?

Oh you were, but now you're an untouchable

and I have to make a show of distancing myself from you.

For my brand. You understand.

Alright. Now this is one of the most

dangerous tricks in the history of magic.

But if everything goes absolutely perfect,

there's a very, very slim chance

we can pull it off.

Uhh...You sure about this Mark?

Uh yes, Hank, okay. The chances of dying a magic trick are

like one in a billion, okay.

I got a better chance of being killed by a hippo.

First, we're gonna blow up 200 balloons

and strap 'em to my body.

Alright, here we go.

198... 199... We are short a balloon.

Yo, Hank. You're not stealing helium again, are you?

[high pitched voice] Uh... No.

Once I'm strapped up, we place a jar on the ground.

And then a funnel goes on top.

Alright. If all goes correctly, Mark will be like this egg.

Now, the funnel's gotta be heavily greased up with w--

Yo, does this say whale lard...?

We'll just use grape seed oil.

Yo, I got whale lard. You want Humpback or Orca?

Okay. I'm ready.

Remember. Like a smooth egg.

You got this, Mark! Just like Humpty Dumpty!

No! Not like Humpty Dumpty.

He shattered into a million pieces and died.

- Oh. I didn't get that far. - It's like four lines.

Ay, if you die, God forbid. Can I get the hot tub?

It's irrelevant, Mernft. Nobody's dying here today.

♪ [tense]

Alright... Now!

Arghhhh.....!

- Oh boy... - Oh, he's gonna die.

[smash!]

Ohhhhhhhhh maaaaaan... Owwwww....

Uhh... I feel like maybe we shoulda done a card trick.

Oh, I can't believe you, Mark.

Just couldn't help yourself, huh?

Had to be an idiot, and now we're

both gonna mess the Medicine Ball.

You're lucky I'm not gonna win.

You should go, Tam. I'll look after him.

You sure?

Yeah. That's what he would want.

♪ [Classical]

Yo, lemme get another Chardanucci

on the rocks and keep 'em coming.

Whoa, there he is! Man of the hour.

Congrats, Kardgen. You won again!

Aw, thanks Tammy.

I'm just feeling so grateful that

my sacrifice is being recognized, you know?

Ha, hun, and don't kid yourself.

You know I'm a better nurse than you.

Yes, as evidenced by all your awards.

Bye. Heheheh.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the man who's

been called "The Houdini of South Jersey," Trent Portal!

Enter the Portal.

[crowd cheers] Woo!

[crowd] Okay!

[crowd] Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Is there a doctor in the house?

[crowd cheers]

Now, I need a volunteer...

Oh, my God! Pick me! Pick me!

Alright, alright, you sir, you sir. With the trophy.

Pick a card...

Oh my God, okay. Heheh.

Write your name on the card...

And place it between my hands like this.

Eee! Okay.

And now...

[Mark's dramatic voice] It's behind his wrist.

[crowd gasps and screams]

Oh my god!

Whoa! There's a man in that jar!

What the...?

Oh no. No way.

The Great Mark Hoagies! Performing the most difficult

trick in the history of magic. Behold! The Jarred Man!

[crowd] Oh, wow.

[gasps]

My God. The Jarred Man...

[groaning]

I... Am... Jar!

Mark! - Hi Tam.

What the-- You were in the hospital--

How did you even-- - I... so proud... you...

Now of course, I was never gonna miss the ball.

I just wanted to make an entrance.

The rehearsal was just the first part of the trick.

We knew he would never fit inside the jar on the first try.

First... he had to be broken.

The others had no idea. At least not at first,

we feared they'd object to the endeavor.

But we soon clued them in.

We needed their help for phase two.

After they cleared Mark of

internal bleeding and brain damage,

we had to sneak him out before his bones set.

An empty bed would arouse suspicion,

so he employed a double.

Getting him into the museum was the easy part.

Why he's the greatest magician in the world!

But... how?

He's going into Cardiac Arrest!

Were's my defib? Defib! C'mon!

Uh... I don't do cardiology....

Don't frickin' die on me, you idiot!

You frickin' moron, don't you die!

[crowd] That was unbelievable.

That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Tam... you saved me.

That's why I did the trick here.

Because I knew you bring me back.

Come here.

Gimme a kiss--

No frickin' way, you're about to swallow your damn tongue,

hang on--

Ah... C'mon...

Are you sure that's his tongue?

[gasp] ... No...

Is this your card?

[crowd cheers]

Okay, Portal.

Now that was pretty good.

You got me, dude.

You frickin' got me with that one.

Hey folks. Pretty serious situation,

It's touch and go right now, so let's get some prayer

hands in the chat and keep sending that positive energy.

This man is fighting for his life.

Kardgen, get that damn camera outta here,

we're prepping my husband for surgery!

C'mon, Dr. Mishra, let me see you work it.

Hahaha.

Kardgen, I'm in the middle of a procedure.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, woo!

[Mark] Yo, what's going on here?

[Tammy] You're supposed to be asleep!

Patients awake. We need more propofol.

- Hold on, don't go under. I wanna do the dance first.

- Okay, move me over there. - Absolutely not!

C'mon, wag my arms...

Oh, come on. Ugh. Agh. Oh, uh, get a little help here.

Oh, there she is. Looking beautiful.

Yo, help me up so I can dance, hun.