Original subtitles

Here we go!

This is a nasty little boy, isn't he?

A private dick.

The same ass.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, honey. I gotta get back to the office.

Hey. Keep talking.

Who the hell are you?

Why are you a ticket on a heel and toe and right quick, my friend?

Who the hell are you? What's this about?

Lancer's the name. J .T. Lancer.

Private peeper.

You a married man?

No. No, I'm not.

Didn't think so.

Here's the score.

Chippy Waltz has been to my office the other day. Says she's your wife.

Wants me to get the goods on you.

Says you've been cheating.

But something doesn't seem right about this dame, so I do some research on you.

You're tied into some heavy muscle on the East Coast.

And that round hill you've been spending your afternoons with is Big Boss's

wife.

So my guess is the dame in my office was a show.

And the East Coast boys just wanted to make sure that you were indeed slamming

ham with Big Boss's wife before they gave you a wooden kimono.

A what?

A cement overcoat.

A burial case.

A coffin.

I get it.

Looks like the top crew's here.

The what? The gun crew.

You packing heat?

No.

Sit tight and keep your yaps down. This could get ugly.

Well, three unlucky Brunos are nice out there. Nothing to do now but wait for

the Dixie to arrive.

Wait? You killed them?

What else was I supposed to do, wise boy? They came in throwing lead, so I

responded in time.

And if I were you, I'd drift far away and don't look back.

Yeah.

I bet you're a big Slane fan too, huh?

No. Mickey's too coy.

Give me Chandler and a shot of hoochie any day.

More poetry and camera, you know.

Well, well, well, JT, you really stepped in with this time. Come on, Lieutenant.

That was a righteous shoot.

I mean, you can't be giving me the electric cure for this one.

No one's suggesting that you just committed cold -blooded homicide.

But until this investigation is complete, I got a punchy ticket.

So, uh, hand it over.

You're kidding me. No, I'm not kidding. Hand it over. Come on.

Getting hitched in two weeks, Lieutenant.

I gotta keep working. I need the money.

You know, you want to do some matrimonial work on the side?

I'll look the other way and the review board will be none the wiser.

In fact, I may not even have a hot tip for you.

I hate matrimonial work.

Oh, well, wasn't this a missing spouse case?

Sure, but I had a hunch there was more to it than that.

Otherwise, I would have just told the dame to dangle.

You go see this guy first thing in the morning.

You tell him I sent you.

I know he can give you enough work up to your eyeball.

Now get out of here.

Go.

Did you call the ME yet?

They're on their way, sir.

What a fucking mess.

So the dicks are punching my ticket until the investigation is over.

Lieutenant Briggs wants me to work for some goddamn Hollywood movie producer.

I got a problem with this showbiz geese.

I ain't never met a producer who wasn't anything but a Gunsel and Gladracks.

A what?

JT, don't you ever speak English?

I got some English for you.

Come here.

Oh.

Good.

Oh, yeah.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You! Oh!

Oh, Dad!

I love you.

Oh, yeah.

Bye.

What's this?

What's what?

On the collar, is that lipstick?

Let me see.

No, baby, that's blood from the shootout today.

Shootout, huh?

How do I know that half of what you tell me is really the truth?

You're always spinning up these wild adventure stories.

For all I know, you could be a box boy at a supermarket.

I mean, you've never taken me to your office, and all the stories you tell me,

either you live in your own world or I've led a very sheltered life.

Listen, honey.

I don't spin no tales for starters.

And secondly, I got just the kind of mug that things happen to.

So I was thinking that after we saw a show on Broadway, that I would take us

Niagara Falls.

Oh, Chet, Niagara Falls?

But honey, it's traditional.

Don't you know how traditional and dull my job is?

Just once, I'd like to do something that's exciting and fun.

You know, maybe starting with tonight.

Oh.

What'd you have in mind?

Well, would you... Would you fuck me in the ass?

Oh.

Sweetheart, we've had this conversation before. You know I'm not real

comfortable with that notion.

Shit.

Please.

Just because you fuck your fiancé in the ass doesn't make you homosexual.

Honey, I know that, okay? I'm just not comfortable with the idea, okay?

Okay, okay, okay.

Sorry. Can I at least be on top?

Sure.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

No, that's a baby.

That's a baby. Oh, God, you're so good.

After I fuck you.

Please fuck me. Please fuck me. Please fuck me.

Come on. Oh, yes.

That's what I want.

Oh, that's it. Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. God, that feels fucking good.

to be buried deep in my body.

Watch it.

How much longer?

I told you five minutes ago, sir. Mr. Worthington will be with you shortly.

All right. So what sort of flicker says it's perfect?

I beg your pardon?

What sort of movies does he produce?

Good ones.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

I haven't seen a good movie since the remake of Farewell, My Lovely.

Those two look like one.

Thank you.

Mmm. Mmm.

Oh, that's a high five.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

It tastes very good.

Very good.

Oh yeah, get it all hot for me.

Fucking make her come.

to see.

Yeah, I'm going to do it.

Yeah

Fuck it.

Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Fucking good in there

Wait, you can't go in there.

Hey, listen, foodie pant.

I can't wait any longer.

Oh, shit.

All right, I'll fuck him here. Hey, get the fuck out of here. I got a meeting.

Make it snap. Come on, make it snappy.

What?

You called me.

Okay, okay.

All right, the girls.

I'm in the middle of financing a really big independent film project.

And I just don't have time to deal with them.

All right. Let me get this straight one more time.

You got yourself a string of frisky little ponies you call mistresses.

And you're afraid that your little chippies are fooling around on the side.

Absolutely.

And your job is if you catch them in the act, they'll want photographs and

videotape for corroboration.

Yeah. Sure you do.

If I could only get my fiancé to fuck me in the ass now and then, I wouldn't

have to be paying you guys so much to get what I like.

There you go.

What's this for?

Well, uh, your manager says I'm supposed to give you a half -off discount this

time, on account that you're such a good client.

Well, thank you.

You must be Rebecca.

Yes. Hi. Come on in. I've been expecting you.

I'm about to marry this man in two weeks, and I don't feel I know anything

him. Sometimes I feel like he stepped out of a different time or air.

Other than that, or he's a complete lunatic.

So what exactly is it that you want me to do for you?

Follow him.

Tell me what he does on his days and nights.

What exactly does he do for a living, this fiancé of yours?

He told me he's a private detective.

A private dick, is what he calls it. A shamus.

Something tells me that the rest of you should be like me.

I don't know.

I didn't understand.

Thank you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh my God.

Fuck you. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Oh, God. Fuck me.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

Sit right there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Are you going to give that to me?

I'm fine.

What's the score, dollface?

I beg your pardon?

Think I haven't noticed you trailing me?

Spill the beans or I'll slap you from here to Ivor Street.

Private investigator, baby.

I see.

Why, that scheming little skirt.

That's okay.

I changed my mind about marrying her anyway.

Yeah? Why's that?

Two -week livered.

Two -week livered for the lifestyle I lead.

See?

Trouble is my business.

And I don't think Rebecca can deal with that.

So, I had a funny hunch about

this case I'm working on right now.

You ever cojaculate with another dick?

You ever collaborate with another dick?

Excuse me?

You ever tag team on my fate?

Did you ever tag team on another case?

Uh, no.

So, I followed her into the bank.

And I greased the teller for information.

And? She withdrew 50 grand from a money market account and wired it into one

Clarence Worthington's account.

Who is she?

Well, she's socialite, contributes to a lot of charities.

When did you send those pictures to Clarence? Yesterday.

Then it all fits, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

I don't understand.

I need it by four o 'clock today.

Well, that's what I pay you for. You see, I'm running a business. I need

things... You lousy little chiseler.

You make me counsel you. The fuck are you talking about? Get your hands off of

me. Gathering financing for a big movie, huh?

Well, now I see how you do it.

Set up big -time rich folks and then delicate situations and hire a P .I. to

the goods on them and then blackmail them into backing your clay -loaded

turds. Not so much. You get paid for it and you do quite well. Thank you very

much. Well, you can't get away with this. I got ethics, see?

Not ethics, I'm nothing.

I got a code and blackmail doesn't fit into that code.

You know what, pal?

Shove your code right up your ass.

You killed him.

He violated the code.

He's a movie producer. You don't think anyone will miss him, do you?

Let's slap a new coat of paint on the walls and have a fresh Ivy League punk

here in 48 hours.

You gonna help?

You're gonna run scared.

You know what my PI instructor always used to say?

What's that?

Friends help you move.

Real friends help you move bodies.

You know, Rita, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Gramps laid some gramps on.

Amen.

Oh, yeah.

Oh God.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

Oh, yes.

God, I used to love this town.

Then it got so steamy and corrupt.

But you and me, doll, we're going to set it back on its ear.

One bad game, one creepy punk at a time.

Yep, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.