Original subtitles

Shlub: First full day as king.

Now, what's on the docket, some fun king stuff?

Scott: You've got a meeting with Simon the Architect

about infrastructure.

Shlub: Well, tell him to do a bunch more infrastructure.

Wait. Less. That should keep him busy.

Mm. Ugh.

Whoever made these sandwiches should be killed.

Scott: Kill the sandwich guy!

Shlub: Wait! Wait!

Don't actually kill the sandwich guy.

Scott: But everything you say is an order now.

Shlub: You're kidding me.

So if I say,

"That vegetable guy looks like he could use a good spanking,"

you would take that seriously?

Scott: Yes. You're the king.

Shlub: Scott, you're going to have to develop a sense

of when I mean something and when I don't.

Use common sense.

Just don't act upon the obviously funny

or whimsical things I say.

Scott: But is that one of the orders I'm supposed to ignore?

Shlub: Of course not!

Don't ignore the order to use common sense.

That is a legitimate order.

Just whenever I say something,

immediately decide whether I'm joking or not.

Scott: Could you just not joke around?

Shlub: Absolutely not, but-- and this is the tricky part--

sometimes as part of the joke, I might say

I really mean something but not really mean it,

like, "I could eat a horse, and I mean it."

Scott: OK, so sometimes you will say

you really mean something, but you don't.

Shlub: Exactly,

but this, of course, is not one of those times,

and I do mean that, and I mean this.

Scott: OK, gang.

I've got our orders, but listen closely

cuz this is a real mind-bender.

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, whoo! ♪

Tyrannis: I'll admit, at first, I was sad I'm not king anymore,

but that's all behind me.

I've moved out of the palace

and embraced the simple life of a free man.

Hippocampus: That's the kind of thing sad, divorced guys say.

Tyrannis: Well, I am divorced in a way--

divorced from responsibility,

and like many a divorcé before me--

Stupendous: Oh, no. Are you living on a boat?

Tyrannis: I'm living on a boat. Welcome to Ty's Folly.

I put the name right here on the back.

Hippocampus: It's just a picture of you

and a picture of a boat.

Tyrannis: How would you spell "folly"?

So be honest. What do you think?

Stupendous: It's...nice.

Hippocampus: Yeah. Cozy.

Tyrannis: OK. Stop.

It's insulting that you feel the need

to tiptoe around my feelings.

Hippocampus: Thank god.

Politeness was never gonna work for me.

Tyrannis: Which is fine. I'm New Ty now.

I have shed my unhealthy need to win approval or feel special,

so insult my boat if you want.

I know it's a dump.

Stupendous: So, Dad, now that you're king,

we gonna have some fun together, maybe do some invading?

Shlub: What do you mean?

Stupendous: You and me,

Shlub and Stupe,

conquering territory, kicking ass.

Could be fun, right? Ty never let me do that.

Tyrannis: Dad, king to king,

I would advise you not to let her do any conquering.

She goes too hard.

She'll get herself hurt, and you need her on defense.

Stupendous: Ah, don't listen to him. He's no fun.

Tyrannis: And, Stupe, may I remind you,

this is Dad we're talking about--

not someone you'd want to follow into battle.

Dad, are you going to do that all day?

Shlub: Just so we're clear,

you're the weirdos for watching,

and, Stupendous, to answer your question,

no pointless conquering.

Stupendous: Damn.

Shlub: You seem to have forgotten,

I'm the fun-loving king.

I have no intention of invading anything non-consensually,

including other kingdoms.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

as my first kingly act, I'm going on a boba run.

Stupendous: What is boba?

Shlub: The sweetest, juiciest, chewiest drink I've ever had.

They only make it in the Kingdom of Boba,

and I'm obsessed with it.

It's been on my mind ever since someone here

said the word "boba."

Stupendous: That was you. You said that word.

Shlub: Well, then it's been on my mind since I said "boba."

I am allowed to put thoughts in my own head.

[Waves lapping]

Broseidon: Whooooo!

Hell yeah! Never gets old!

Tyrannis: Broseidon, did you just pop out of a whale?

Broseidon: It's called "shooting the hole,"

and Broseidon invented it.

Heard you got a houseboat, by the way.

Tyrannis: You like houseboats?

Broseidon: Psshhh. Like 'em? I am the god of houseboats.

Where my boatheads at?

Man: Yeah! Heck yeah, man!

Woman: Yeah!

Broseidon: Changes in latitude, changes in attitude.

You feel me?

Anyway, since I am the god of houseboats,

gonna need a monthly offering.

Tyrannis: Offering? What a racket.

Broseidon: Whoa!

Broseidon does not appreciate that vibe!

Tyrannis: Well, it needs to be said.

Broseidon: All right.

Well, you don't wanna pay, you don't have to pay.

Tyrannis: Really?

Broseidon: Sure.

Oh, hey, I've been meaning to ask you,

you know that you're a demigod, right?

Tyrannis: Well, yes, in that I'm the son of a goddess.

Broseidon: So what's your demigod power?

Tyrannis: Excuse me?

Broseidon: Every demigod gets a special power.

What, you didn't get one at your demigod ceremony?

Tyrannis: My demigod ceremony?

Broseidon: Uh, yeah,

the ritual where gods bestow special powers on demigods.

Wait, wait, wait. Did your mom not get you one?

Tyrannis: No, my mother did not get me one.

Broseidon: If you haven't had the ceremony,

you're not a full demigod.

Tyrannis: When were you going to tell me

about my demigod ceremony?

Deliria: Your what?

Tyrannis: My demigod ceremony,

where demigods are awarded their special power.

Deliria: Who told you that?

Tyrannis: Broseidon, and then he went back

into a whale's blowhole, and it was sick!

Deliria: Why are you suddenly concerned

with having a special power?

I thought you were happy not being special.

Tyrannis: I am perfectly happy not being special.

Hippocampus: Sounds like you want to be special.

Tyrannis: I don't, but if I'm destined

to have a special power, I should damn well have it.

I demand you take me to Mount Olympus

and get me my demigod ceremony!

Deliria: Oh, you demand it.

Well, I suppose I have no choice.

Tyrannis: You don't.

Hippo, you're coming with me

to make sure she doesn't change her mind.

Super cool demigod exit!

Ooh! Oh!

You need to wax those floors.

Shlub: ♪ I'm flying to my boba ♪

♪ To get my boba treat ♪

♪ I really love my boba ♪

♪ No need to be discreet ♪

♪ It's juicy, and it's chewy ♪

♪ Two different foods in one ♪

♪ The juice runs down my throat ♪

♪ While the balls dance on my tongue! ♪

I'll have one--

Sludge Monster: No bobas for you!

Shlub: Oh, hello, Frankensludge.

Sludge Monster: Shlub. How opposite of nice to see you.

You never thanked me for your wedding gift!

Shlub: Oh, I didn't thank anyone for wedding gifts.

I'm not a thankful person. That's arguably my entire brand.

Sludge Monster: Monster code number one--

"Monster get gift, monster give thanks."

Shlub: I'm supposed to thank you because of a rule?

That makes it completely pointless.

Sludge Monster: You always do this, Shlub.

You only care about yourself, and no one calls you on it.

Well, it's payback time.

By my orders, no one in this entire kingdom

will serve you a boba.

Shlub: What?

Sludge Monster: That's right, I'm the king here,

and I became king for one purpose--

to make sure you never taste the sweet, chewy refreshment

of a boba for as long as you live.

Shlub: You went to all that trouble of becoming king

just to punish me?

Sludge Monster: Yeah.

Monster code number six clearly states,

"Monster allowed to go too far if monster want."

Shlub: Just give me that!

Sludge Monster: If you want that boba,

you gotta go through my whole army.

You'd have to conquer this whole continent

to taste and chew one of these.

[Slurping]

[Slurping continues]

[Slurping continues]

Shlub: Stop that! Stop slurping victoriously!

Stupendous, I've changed my mind.

Get your army together. We're invading Boba.

Stupendous: You decided you wanted to spend time with me?

Shlub: Yes. I decided I want to spend time with you,

and that's why we're going to war.

Both: Invasion buddies!

Shlub: Look at this! What an invasion force!

Stupendous: Right? You wanna go rally the troops?

Shlub: Sure. Uh, how does one do that?

Stupendous: It's pretty standard.

You ride back and forth in front of them

like your horse is raring to go,

and you just say "freedom" a lot.

Shlub: Piece of cake.

My loyal subjects,

soon we will meet our enemies on the field of battle,

but I prefer to call it a field of freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: The fighting will be brutal,

and many of you will die... for freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Freedom is what gives us the freedom to be free,

and I don't know about you, but I would rather die right now

than live another day not freedoming!

[Cheering]

Stupendous: That was so moving.

Broseidon: All right. Listen, Ty-bo.

You got a lot to learn before the ceremony.

It is gonna be intense training, starting tomorrow.

Tyrannis: What sort of training?

Broseidon: Lotta physical stuff, some feats of strength,

and you gotta recite a whole thing in the ancient tongue.

Tyrannis: The ancient tongue?

My mother never even told me there was an ancient tongue.

Broseidon: Oh, yeah. It is a super powerful language.

It's based on inflections.

Like--like, there's this one word "ee-EE-ee"

which means horse,

but if you say it like "EE-ee-EE,"

it could also mean eyebrows,

or if you say it a different way,

it just blows up the Earth.

Tyrannis: So cool.

Broseidon: We'll be working on all that stuff,

and you get to stay here while Ty completes his training.

Deliria, you recognize your old bedroom, right?

All right. Well, iyaaaaaaaam.

That means hello, good-bye, and it dries up rivers.

Hippocampus: Mom, you used to live here?

Deliria: Yes. This was my apartment.

I do miss the amenities.

Hippocampus: Is your bed a cloud?

Deliria: Best night of sleep you'll ever have.

Hippocampus: Well, crap.

A fish could get used to this place.

[Chime]

What just happened?

Deliria: Oh, that chair transforms

into whatever kind of chair best fits the moment.

Tyrannis: I want to do it!

[Chime]

I'm a toddler? Is that the message here?

Hippocampus: What the heck does this do?

Deliria: It dispenses ambrosia, the food of the gods.

Hippocampus: Oh, my god, Ty.

Deliria: Yes. It causes a feeling similar to sex,

but magnified by a thousand.

Tyrannis: [Shudders]

Hippocampus: I'm never leaving here.

I'm dying here.

Mom, you had all this, and then you lost it?

I'm seeing you in a whole new light.

You're a tragic figure!

Deliria: Oh, shut up.

Tyrannis: You know, demigods do sometimes

get elevated to full gods.

Maybe one day, I'll be an Olympian,

and you could come visit.

Deliria: Oh, could I? How magnanimous of you.

Tyrannis: I'm sorry if the thought of us being equals

drives you crazy.

Deliria: What drives me crazy is that

you would want to hang out with these people

after all that I've told you about them.

Tyrannis, "These people" seem pretty decent to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go and learn an ancient language.

Iyaaaaaaam.

Stupendous: Uhh...huh!

Ugh! Hwah! Hah!

Newsie: Extra, extra!

Krapoplian army wins huge battle!

Takes Plopopolis!

Krapopolis defeats Blibbity City!

Cackletown! Littleopolis!

"Some city names totally made up," study says.

Father, daughter really bond on killing spree!

Stupendous: Haagh...ooh!

Uh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, Dad, Dad! Look! Dad!

Watch the light in this guy's eyes go out!

Shlub: I saw it, yes! Sweetheart! Yes!

Look at you! That's my girl!

Newsie: Uh-oh, Shlub and Stupe

find it's harder than they thought.

Krapoplian army paying real price for this dumb idea!

"Battle not so fun anymore," says source close to king!

Medic: OK. Um, you're gonna feel a little sting

because I'm placing your arm in this log full of fire ants.

Stupendous: Aah! Uh! And this heals it?

Medic: Well, that's what we're finding out.

Shlub: Scott, I need your advice on something,

and I need you to tell me the truth,

and before you ask, this is one of those things I really mean,

and so is what I'm saying right now about really meaning it.

Scott: OK.

Shlub: Was it irresponsible of me to drag this army

into a protracted land war just for a drink?

Scott: It was maybe a little--

Shlub: Keep in mind that if you say it's irresponsible,

that means you're siding with Ty.

Scott: It was a little irresponsible.

Shlub: So I should come clean about the boba thing?

Scott: I think you gotta.

Shlub: Damn you. Kill yourself. No. Don't.

That was a joke, and me saying that is not a joke,

and neither is this.

Stupendous, I think we have to call off the invasion.

Stupendous: What? Scott: Great idea.

Shlub: Can I confess something?

I only started this invasion to get a boba.

Stupendous: Can I confess something?

I don't care.

I'm having the time of my life out here.

Shlub: Really?

Stupendous: Yeah. I mean, you never come to my fights,

and now look at us.

I don't even care that we're in a quagmire

as long as we're together, unless you think that's dumb.

Shlub: No, it's not dumb. It's the noblest reason of all.

Do you know the ancient song "Cat's in the Cradle"?

Stupendous: No.

Shlub: I don't either, but I can only assume

it's about a cat who jumps into a cradle

and steals a man's baby

before he even gets a chance to know her

and the cat raises the baby as her own

and when the baby girl grows up, she doesn't even recognize

her own dad because she thinks she's a cat now

and when he goes to hug her,

she instinctively tears his face off.

Stupendous: That would be my guess, too.

Shlub: It's a cautionary tale,

and I'm not gonna let that happen to us.

Stupendous: You mean it?

Shlub: Of course I mean it.

This war is completely worth doing because you deserve it.

Scott: Couldn't you have father-daughter time

some other way?

I mean, people are really getting hurt out there.

[Stupendous and Shlub laugh]

Stupendous: What is he talking about?

Aphrodite: Anidi.

Tyrannis: Anidi...

Broseidon: Iyaaaaam.

Tyrannis: Iyaaaaam...

Broseidon: Oh, there you go, bro. Now you're getting it.

Apollo: Ha ha!

Oh, Broseidon, don't forget to teach him the choreography, too.

Aphrodite: Oh, yeah. I wanna see full choreo with this thing.

Hippocampus: Mom, this doesn't seem right.

Did they just bring him here to humiliate him?

Deliria: Absolutely. They don't give away god powers.

He's here for their entertainment.

Hippocampus: That's cruel. You gotta tell him.

Deliria: Absolutely not.

He needs to learn this lesson for himself.

Hippocampus: If you're not gonna tell him, I will.

Deliria: You will do no such thing.

Hippocampus: Yes, I will...

Hippocampus: right after this passes.

[Lute music playing]

Singer: ♪ The cat's in the cradle ♪

♪ He's stealing the girl ♪

♪ Raising her up like a cat in the world ♪

♪ She never knew Daddy ♪

♪ But she knows him now ♪

♪ And she's going to tear his face off ♪

Stupendous: Victory!

Singer: ♪ She's gonna tear his whole damn face! ♪

Shlub: Hmm!

Victory!

I drink your boba.

[Slurping]

Stupendous: Dad! Look out!

Ohhhhh...

Uh!

Shlub: Stu...pen...dous!

Did you always have that arrow there?

Sludge Monster: Well, well, well.

Looks like your daughter's not gonna make it.

Shlub: Shut up, you smelly balloon.

Stupendous: Yeah, shut up!

Sludge Monster: You wanna know what brought your father

all this way?

It was for a drink.

Stupendous: I already know that. I'm fine with it.

I had fun. We bonded.

Sludge Monster: Is everyone catching the tragedy here?

Guy who never thinks of anyone else

gives up his own daughter for a drink,

a daughter so blinded by this sociopath

she dies for him.

Stupendous: I did what I did, and I'd do it again.

Shlub: Stupendous, that's lovely of you to say,

but I can't let it end like this.

Wait! I've heard monster blood can save cyclopses.

Mm-nngh!

[Stupendous sucking]

Shlub: Scott, why are you looking away?

Scott: I don't know. It seems weird.

Shlub: There's nothing weird about it.

Is anything happening?

Stupendous: No.

Shlub: Right, so the monster blood thing was a myth.

Sludge Monster: Our doctors could save her.

Shlub: They could?

Ours haven't progressed past fire ants.

Medic: Wow. Say it to my face, dude.

Sludge Monster: We're an advanced civilization.

We made a smoothie chewable!

We could save her life right now.

All you have to do is say, "Thank you."

Shlub: Well, that's easy. Thank--

Stupendous: Wait! Dad, don't!

Shlub: What?

Stupendous: This guy's an absolute turd!

You know what?

People like you are the reason people love my dad.

He lives for the moment, and he doesn't like rules.

That's why everyone wants to hang out with him,

and that's why I wanted to invade your country with him.

Dad, never apologize for being you.

Just let me die.

Don't give this guy the satisfaction.

Huh! No! That's dumb! Say, "Thank you"!

Shlub: Thank you! Thank you! For the love of god, thank you!

♪

Tyrannis: Iyaaam...

anidi...

otloo...

zer.

[Stifled laughter]

Tyrannis: Iyaam...

anidi...

otloo...

zer.

[Laughter]

Broseidon: Uh, keep going. Keep going. They're excited.

Aphrodite: Bigger choreo!

Tyrannis: Iyaam anidiot loser.

Oh. This is a setup, isn't it?

Broseidon: What? Nah, bro. It's just a little hazing.

Tyrannis: So I am getting my special power?

Broseidon: Absolutely!

But first, you gotta drink from this chalice!

Gods: Chalice! Chalice!

Chalice! Chalice!

Chalice! Chalice!

Hippocampus: We gotta get him outta here...

[Gulp]

at--at some point.

Tyrannis: I know this is a joke. There's no super power.

Broseidon: You don't know that! Drink it! Drink the wine!

Tyrannis: This is dumb. I'm really being played here.

Maybe not, though?

[Slurp]

OK. That's spit.

Broseidon: Who's to say god spit isn't the magic ingredient?

Tyrannis: Is it?

Broseidon: Well, you tell me,

because I now grant you the demigod power of...

flight!

Go ahead. Try it out.

Tyrannis: Yah! Oh!

Broseidon: I present to you Tyrannis--

an idiot loser who thought he didn't have to pay me a tribute.

[Booing]

Deliria: Ty, it's me.

Tyrannis: Mom, you knew this was a setup,

and you still let it happen?

Deliria: I thought about warning you,

but you were being such a pain,

I decided to let you learn the lesson for yourself.

Tyrannis: What lesson?

Deliria: Never trust gods.

Tyrannis: I just wanted a special power so badly.

I admit it, I want to feel special.

Deliria: I'm going to give you your special power right now.

Stand up and look at them calmly like you don't care.

Broseidon: Hey, wait. I just humiliated you.

Look more hurt!

Aphrodite: Come on! You lost!

Apollo: What the hell is this? What are you doing?

Aphrodite: It's like he doesn't care about us.

Broseidon: Stop not caring! You're ruining it!

Deliria: Feels good, doesn't it?

Tyrannis: Would feel a little better if I had an actual power.

Deliria: All right, but I'm only going to do this once.

Point at something.

Apollo: What?

Deliria: Come on. Let's get out of here.

Hippocampus: Yah!

Sludge Monster: I'm glad you finally learned your lesson.

Shlub: You're a strange, sad man,

but to thank you for saving my daughter's life,

I give you all your land back.

Sludge Monster: I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Shlub: Why not?

Sludge Monster: Because you beat me.

Monster code number four clearly states,

"Monster beat monster, monster stay win."

Shlub: So I literally cannot give you your land back?

Sludge Monster: The code says no.

Shlub: What if you win it back?

Sludge Monster: That I'll allow.

Stupendous: Dad, I'm not so sure we're gonna be able

to convince my army to lose on purpose.

Shlub: Shouldn't be that hard. It's the same basic formula.

We gather on this field

to lose every bit of ground we just won.

Man: Uh... Different man: Wait. Lose?

Shlub: But I'm not asking you to lose for me.

I'm asking you to lose for freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Our enemies don't want us to lose.

They think we can't lose.

[Booing]

Shlub: But I believe in you, and I know

that when we freedom together,

we freedom for the freedom of freedom!

[Cheering]

Man: Let's do it! Freedom, love you!

Newsie: Extra, extra!

Krapopolis army getting ass kicked.

Krapopolis conquers Boba, then loses it!

Stupendous almost dies in battle!

Has to get saved by enemy doctor.

Father-daughter outing kills thousands for nothing.

Stupendous: Aw, crap, Dad.

How do we keep Ty from finding out about this?

It's on all the vases!

Shlub: Oh, he can't find out. He'll lord it over us forever.

Stupendous: We need something to knock this story

off the vases before he gets back.

It's gotta be a huge news story.

Shlub: Scott, I have an order for you,

and it's going to sound a lot like a joke,

but I swear to you, it's not.

Newsie: Extra, extra! Read all about it!

King's assistant dresses up as gorilla

and starts throwing his feces everywhere, shouting,

"I am gorilla boy! Gorilla boy need wife!"

and then insists on getting married to another gorilla!

Tyrannis: Sounds like I've missed some news.

Shlub: It was a crazy week.

Tyrannis: It's harder to run a city than you think, isn't it?

Shlub: So true. And what have you been up to?

Tyrannis: I had my demigod ceremony.

Shlub: I'm sorry I missed it.

Tyrannis: Yes. You would have loved it.

Oh, hey, Scott. Congratulations.

Scott: Hey.

[Slurping]

Stupendous: I don't know. The bubble things are annoying.

Shlub: The bubble things are the whole point!

Stupendous: Can I get one without bubbles?

Shlub: That's just a smoothie.

Stupendous: I love smoothies.

Shlub: So does everyone, but this takes them up a notch.

Stupendous: I think it takes them down, several notches.

[Slurp]

I just keep worrying it's gonna get caught in my throat.

Shlub: What a stupid thing to--

Haagh!

[Coughs]

Haagh! Hwagh!

[Gagging]

Stupendous: Hup! Hup! Hup!

Shlub: Ohh...uhh...

Stupendous: I call that the Stupe Maneuver.

At half-strength, it saves lives!

Dan Harmon: Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.