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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:30,664 --> 00:00:33,600
HANK (sighs):
It's not an "endless salad bar"
3
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,936
if they bring you
the entree right away.
4
00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:38,304
I mean, you have the right
to more salad,
5
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,973
but once you've got your meat,
6
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,676
you're not going back,
and they know it.
7
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,210
Message!
8
00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:45,579
Maybe it's that guy
9
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:47,848
trying to call his
parole officer again.
10
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:51,384
Or it could be that SUV's owner
thanking me for the note
11
00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:53,720
suggesting they learn
to park better.
12
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:57,824
And the mystery caller is...
13
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,260
Just play the dang message.
14
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:02,362
COTTON:
Of course you're not there!
15
00:01:02,428 --> 00:01:03,864
(disgusted groan):
Oh, Cotton.
16
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:05,165
But you better be tomorrow,
17
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,467
'cause I'm finally getting rid
of my vehicle.
18
00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:11,738
I'll arrive at 1200 hours to
turn over the keys. That is all.
19
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,006
I'll be darned.
20
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,875
Dad's finally letting
go of his Cadillac.
21
00:01:14,941 --> 00:01:16,510
That car's taken me
22
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,112
to some of the greatest
events of my childhood.
23
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:21,948
Football games,
baseball games,
24
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,084
basketball games.
25
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,252
It's been like
a member of the family.
26
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,454
Except that Cotton loved it.
27
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:29,990
Huh.
28
00:01:30,056 --> 00:01:31,658
Yeah.
29
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:36,162
Yep, my dad should be here
with the car any minute now.
30
00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:39,265
I still remember the day
he brought that car home.
31
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:40,834
It was on my birthday.
32
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:44,671
After that it became known
as the car's birthday.
33
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:48,408
Now we'll finally be able
to celebrate together.
34
00:01:48,474 --> 00:01:50,143
Remember how we'd ride back
from Boy Scouts
35
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,512
and I'd talk too much,
36
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:53,346
and Cotton would throw me
in the trunk?
37
00:01:53,413 --> 00:01:55,682
It was like a crazy
roller coaster back there,
38
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,184
bouncing around
with all those guns.
39
00:01:58,251 --> 00:02:00,821
Yeah, man, talkin' about
them old good times, man.
40
00:02:00,887 --> 00:02:03,790
(car horn plays
"La Cucaracha")
Here it comes!
41
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:08,762
(car horn plays
"La Cucaracha")
42
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,532
It's in perfect tune.
43
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:14,034
Good noon, Colonel!
44
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,702
Yeah, Dad,
thanks for coming.
45
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:19,072
I appreciate the chance to buy
a piece of our family history.
46
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:23,309
Buy it?
The only thing you get
is the chance to wash it.
47
00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:24,778
Do a good job for once.
48
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,312
I don't want your cousin Dusty
49
00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,314
finding any dog dirt
on the pedals.
50
00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:30,851
Dusty? Well, what's
he got to do with it?
51
00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:34,187
He called and made me an offer,
right out of the blue.
52
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:35,455
You're selling it to him?
53
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:37,658
Nah. I'm giving it to him.
54
00:02:37,724 --> 00:02:39,092
I couldn't take money
55
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,293
from my brother's boy.
56
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,163
Dusty's always been
like a son to me.
57
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:44,531
I'm your son!
58
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,099
I suppose.
59
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,467
But Dusty's already got
60
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,570
more cars than he knows
what to do with.
61
00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:52,472
He sure as heck doesn't
deserve this one.
62
00:02:52,539 --> 00:02:56,610
You can keep the bucket,
but give these to Dusty.
63
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,952
And that's how I get
to the grocery store.
64
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,488
No. I swear to you
Hank isn't here.
65
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,223
Now, as I was saying...
66
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:12,025
Oh, Hank just walked in.
67
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,493
It's Dusty.
68
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:15,829
My mistake.
69
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,198
It was just a bird
caught in the curtains.
70
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,365
Okay, bye.
71
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:20,934
What did he want?
72
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:24,104
Dusty is coming in from Houston
tomorrow to pick up the car.
73
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,672
(groans):
Oh, great.
74
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:28,509
While he's here, he can take
some other things I care about.
75
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:30,744
It was nice being married
to you, Peggy.
76
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:31,678
Come on, Hank.
77
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,547
So you and Dusty
don't get along.
78
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,281
That makes this
a great opportunity
79
00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:36,717
to patch things up.
80
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:37,884
Patch things up?
81
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,385
Don't you remember our wedding?
82
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:42,923
How he and his buddies
got up on stage with the band?
83
00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,558
"Just one song, Hank."
84
00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,927
Which is all he played‐‐
one song.
85
00:03:46,993 --> 00:03:52,065
Yeah, "Radar Love," with
a got‐dang 20‐minute bass solo.
86
00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:56,269
(sighs):
I'd better go tell Bobby
the truth about Dusty.
87
00:03:56,336 --> 00:04:00,273
It was crazy for me to think
he'd never find out.
88
00:04:01,341 --> 00:04:03,276
HANK (sighs):
Uh, son,
89
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,712
every family has
its secrets.
90
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,013
Now...
91
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,749
I'm gonna play this tape,
92
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,417
and you're gonna see
some things that, uh...
93
00:04:11,484 --> 00:04:13,887
(groans):
This is harder than I thought.
94
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:16,389
Just watch, if you can.
95
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:19,693
(rock music playing)
96
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,328
(Hank sighs)
97
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,597
You see, Bobby,
98
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,599
I have a cousin named Dusty.
99
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,467
He's the one with the beard.
100
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,402
The‐the one on the left.
101
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:32,038
We're related to ZZ Top?!
102
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,507
Not so loud, son.
103
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:38,344
See, rock stars have different
morals and values and...
104
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:40,146
Stop that!
105
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:43,550
(turns off music)
Now, Dusty's coming by
the house tomorrow.
106
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,852
Do not ask him
what time it is.
107
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:49,355
He always says,
"It's time to rock."
108
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:53,326
I bet the first thing Dusty does
with this car
109
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:55,295
is put flames
on the front of it
110
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:56,730
like he did
with his go‐cart.
111
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,065
Yeah, like that made it
go faster.
112
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,433
Wait, it didn't?
113
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,468
Dusty's always been
about flash.
114
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:05,371
Have you ever looked at
our high school yearbook?
115
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,007
Many, many times.
116
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:11,477
He and his idiot friends snuck
into every activities picture.
117
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,479
Remember how they
tricked you into thinking
118
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,048
that Tom Landry died.
119
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:18,318
Yeah, and then when he finally
did die, I didn't believe it,
120
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,120
and I went to work anyway.
121
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:21,655
I'm still mortified.
122
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:25,892
They were always pulling
those practical jokes on me.
123
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,234
(all laughing)
124
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,370
So‐So I'm getting
a propane award, huh?
125
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,072
Wow, this is
such an honor.
126
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,907
I‐Is Commissioner
Hogarth here?
127
00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:43,844
DUSTY:
Hey, everyone, we've
hired a new dancer!
128
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:46,012
What?!
129
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:51,017
(all laughing)
130
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,891
(all laughing)
131
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,193
(sighs):
Idiots.
132
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,728
KAHN:
Say...
133
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:02,763
nice Caddy.
134
00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:05,131
Cotton gave it
to Hank's cousin Dusty.
135
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,167
Bit of a sore point.
136
00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:08,535
Your cousin, eh?
137
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:10,671
Isn't that hillbilly term
for wife?
138
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,138
Th‐There's a taxi coming!
139
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,574
I bet it's Dusty.
140
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,476
Famous people like to be
kissed on the cheek, right?
141
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,011
I'm thinking
about doing that.
142
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:21,214
There they are!
143
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,282
Hey, Hank.
144
00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:25,018
Dale. Bill.
Boomhauer.
145
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,287
Dusty Hill?!
146
00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:28,822
Hank Hill?!
147
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,792
Why didn't you say
you were related to the man
148
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:34,961
whose band helped launch
the story‐driven music video?
149
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,564
Well, you just answered
your own question.
150
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:39,032
I got to get Minh!
151
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:41,635
"Tush" is her favorite song!
152
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:42,536
Say,
153
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,838
the old gal looks
pretty snazzy.
154
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,976
Yeah, well, anyway, uh,
you'll probably want
155
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:53,179
to be getting back to Houston
and your current wife.
156
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,381
You know,
157
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:58,652
while I was out there touring
and making records and whatnot,
158
00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,922
I let some things slip by
that really matter to me.
159
00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:03,123
Friends,
160
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:04,691
family.
161
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,627
I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
162
00:07:06,693 --> 00:07:08,595
it's be nice spending
a couple of days
163
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,330
hanging out with you,
just catching up.
164
00:07:10,396 --> 00:07:13,299
Well, uh, I don't know, uh...
165
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,334
(Bobby squeals)
166
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,069
Is this him?!
Are you him?
167
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,504
Oh, my God!
168
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:20,607
Can I speak at him, please?
169
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,609
Looks like your dad's
raising you right.
170
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,011
Uh, I guess so.
171
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,951
Well, you know, Dusty,
it's a long trip from Houston.
172
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:34,220
Why don't you come in
and have some ice tea and...?
173
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,221
MAN:
Cut!
174
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,691
We need to reset from
175
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,826
"I let some things slip
that mattered to me."
176
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:40,994
We're getting too much glare
177
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,462
from the skinny guy's
sunglasses.
178
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,631
What the heck's going on?
179
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,733
I'm the star
of my own reality show.
180
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,602
You and I won't
just be hanging out,
181
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,837
we'll be doing it on TV.
182
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,906
Finally!
183
00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:00,614
They are shooting
184
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,348
a freakin' reality show!
185
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,850
Did you get that?
186
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:06,352
That was me discovering
you're shooting a reality show.
187
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,589
This could be my big break!
188
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,756
Bobby, get inside.
189
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,792
Good lord, Dusty,
did you run out
190
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:13,627
of ways to
embarrass yourself?
191
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,662
No, this is going
to be great, Hank.
192
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:16,797
America wants reality,
193
00:08:16,863 --> 00:08:19,132
and I'm the guy
to give it to 'em.
194
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,901
Buh!
You sure are, Dust.
195
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:24,771
Paul Portis,
ImPORTant Productions.
196
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:26,640
He's the best.
197
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,108
Check out the title
for our show:
198
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:29,943
Behind The Beard.
199
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,145
You're welcome.
200
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,047
You think everything's fun
and games, Dusty.
201
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,048
Well, it's not.
202
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,217
Yeah, well, you might
change your mind
203
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,052
after you see your dog.
204
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,322
Okay, that tears it!
205
00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:45,191
I am sick of you
messing with me.
206
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:51,497
(sighs):
Boy, I actually thought
Dusty might have changed,
207
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,900
but he's just the same
flashy pain in my neck
208
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,236
he used to be.
What a joke.
209
00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:57,771
Joke?
210
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,807
Did you see the way Bobby lit up
when he saw those cameras?
211
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,609
I walked into his room
this morning
212
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:07,247
and he was... he was singing
into a hairbrush.
213
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:10,383
Uh‐huh, uh‐huh!
Go on!
214
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,518
You know, sometimes
215
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:12,719
when things went wrong
with Cotton,
216
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,054
I just thought,
217
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,056
"Well, at least I'm
getting that car one day."
218
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,792
And now he just
swoops in and takes it.
219
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,596
Your joke
made me sad.
220
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:31,572
PORTIS:
This is not interesting at all.
221
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,707
We need something else!
222
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:36,409
(laughing):
You should check
this out!
223
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:39,713
This guy doesn't get angry.
He becomes anger.
224
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:41,715
It really pops.
225
00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:45,018
I'm gonna
punch you silly.
226
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,320
Gonna knock your teeth in,
I tell you...
227
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,022
You got‐dang...
228
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,191
That tears it!
229
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,325
Watch the vein in his head.
230
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,027
You could add jungle drums
each time it throbs.
231
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,862
(drums playing)
232
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,397
(drum volume decreases)
233
00:09:57,463 --> 00:10:00,400
There's your act break,
people, and your bus‐side,
234
00:10:00,466 --> 00:10:01,735
your grocery separator
235
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,804
and your cover of
TV frickin' Guide.
236
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,371
This is our new job‐‐
237
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,608
pissing off Hank Hill.
238
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:10,376
HANK:
I'm gonna tear your beard off!
239
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:16,282
People really respond to
your interacting with Hank.
240
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,352
By "interacting" you mean
messing with him, right?
241
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:23,624
Sometimes I think it's too easy,
but it's just so much dang fun.
242
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:25,892
It's not just fun for you,
it's fun for us.
243
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,127
It's fun for America.
244
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,429
And most importantly,
it's fun for Hank.
245
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:33,700
Well, damn. If that's the case,
I know just the guys to help.
246
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:37,738
How about we try
that new soup place?
247
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,773
Because it sure
is soup weather.
248
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,041
(doorbell rings)
249
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,545
ALL:
Hey, Hank.
250
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,379
(sighs):
No.
251
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:47,514
Don't worry, Hank.
252
00:10:47,581 --> 00:10:48,882
We're just here
selling buttfors.
253
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,251
What's a butt...? No.
254
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,119
(all laugh)
255
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,821
You know, last time
we saw you,
256
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,723
you were trying to explain
to the Border Patrol
257
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:59,059
why your trunk
was full of tacos.
258
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:01,361
I just want to apologize
for any hard feelings
259
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:02,663
about the show, Hank,
260
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:04,865
so we brought over
one of our gold records...
261
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:07,367
and buried it somewhere
in your lawn.
262
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:08,802
What the hell?
263
00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:12,906
(sputters)
264
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,708
Wait for us!
We're in!
265
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,343
Dang it, Dusty, I'm gonna take
that gold record
266
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,680
and shove your face
through the little hole!
267
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:22,248
(whistle blows)
268
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,449
Holy...
269
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:25,952
No!
270
00:11:28,589 --> 00:11:30,691
My lawn!
271
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,471
(giggling)
Shh!
272
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,442
(giggling)
Shh!
273
00:11:49,510 --> 00:11:51,477
Queen bee barbecue.
274
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:54,180
Now serving shrimps.
275
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,549
What the...?!
276
00:11:55,616 --> 00:11:57,884
(rock music playing)
277
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,588
Although Hank's urethra
isn't technically blocked,
278
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:03,323
it's just narrow.
279
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:04,324
Peggy,
280
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:05,526
get them out of here!
281
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,093
My house is off‐limits!
282
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,862
Wait a minute.
Where's Bobby?
283
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,731
He's fine.
He's in the truth booth.
284
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,999
Oh, God!
285
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,201
Let me through.
I need to get in there.
286
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,469
Hey, I'm next!
287
00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:19,305
Dale, move aside unless
you want me to kick your ass.
288
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,041
Yes, do it!
289
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:22,442
That's how I'll
get on TV!
290
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:25,512
No, kick mine!
I want to be on
camera, please!
291
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,948
I believe I'm the one
who deserves the kicking.
292
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:30,751
I slept with his best friend's
wife for 13 years.
293
00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:33,119
Yeah, Bill's wife
was a tramp. Big deal.
294
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:38,058
Now shut up and let Hank
kick the ass he started on!
295
00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:41,995
So Jerry Lee, Jimmy Swaggart
and me are ready for action
296
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,229
when who should appear but...
297
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,030
BOBBY:
Whee!
298
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:47,033
Do it again!
Do it again!
299
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,036
Stop spinning my son!
300
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,739
All right, that does it.
I want everybody out.
301
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,508
You with the camera, everyone.
302
00:12:54,575 --> 00:12:55,642
But not me, right?
303
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,343
Get!
304
00:12:58,845 --> 00:13:01,648
So you kicked 'em
all out?
305
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:02,883
I guess they
deserved it.
306
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,018
Dang right,
they deserved it.
307
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:08,922
I can't believe you gave
this car to Dusty, Dad.
308
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,324
After all the times
I've detailed it
309
00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:13,193
and all the tune‐ups
I've given it.
310
00:13:13,259 --> 00:13:17,564
I guess I didn't realize
how much Marlena meant to you.
311
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,600
Well, how could you
not know that?
312
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:23,069
Well, sometimes
I don't think, boy.
313
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:28,809
Aw, Dad.
314
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:35,215
Oh, got‐dang it,
you're in on this, too?
315
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:38,284
(laughs):
Just having
some fun, Hank!
316
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,186
Something you don't know
nothing about.
317
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:43,223
While you were wasting time
having a family
318
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:46,827
and buying a house
and having a career,
319
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:49,930
Dusty was busy making
something out of his life.
320
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,933
Why didn't you join a band, boy?
321
00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:56,570
(laughing)
322
00:13:56,637 --> 00:13:57,838
This footage is great,
323
00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:00,373
but we need to push
the envelope with him.
324
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,341
Think, think, think.
325
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:03,844
He really hates
code violations.
326
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,345
We could make
fun of propane.
327
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:09,149
Propane? Whoa, you can
only push a man so far.
328
00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:10,617
We've been riding Hank
pretty hard.
329
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,319
Now let's lay off him
and do something else fun.
330
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:15,255
I've said it once,
I'll say it again.
331
00:14:15,321 --> 00:14:17,591
Me and the guys
could always get naked.
332
00:14:17,658 --> 00:14:18,825
Uh, sure, sure.
333
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:19,993
All good ideas.
334
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,261
I'll confab with the team here
335
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,263
to see if we can find
something golden.
336
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,003
We can't lay off Hank.
337
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,004
He's our bread and butter.
338
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:32,338
You find anything?
339
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,140
Oh, yeah.
340
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,576
(sighs)
I can't believe
341
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,377
you gave this car to Dusty, Dad.
342
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:40,180
After all the times
I've detailed it, and all
343
00:14:40,246 --> 00:14:42,282
the tune‐ups
I've given it...
344
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,153
We hurt the Caddy,
we hurt Hank. Go!
345
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,289
Do a cross‐promotion thing
with Burger King
346
00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:51,625
and crash it into a replica
of the Eiffel Tower
347
00:14:51,692 --> 00:14:52,759
made out of Whoppers.
348
00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:54,060
We could set it on fire.
349
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,529
On Mommy v. Nanny
350
00:14:55,596 --> 00:14:58,231
any time we burned things,
we got an instant ten share.
351
00:14:58,298 --> 00:15:01,434
The 18‐34 crowd really
loves a good explosion.
352
00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,370
I got a better idea.
353
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,072
We'll do all three.
354
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:11,645
So Dusty took the car back
to Houston already, huh?
355
00:15:11,712 --> 00:15:13,313
No. The car's
at the shop.
356
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:15,949
They're reinforcing the gas tank
and removing the radiator.
357
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,684
Well, that is idiotic.
358
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,352
These old V‐8s run hot.
359
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,187
It'll seize up
in a few hundred miles.
360
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,422
Doesn't need
to last that long.
361
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:25,258
Dusty's driving it
in a demolition derby.
362
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:30,063
Demolition derby?! No!
363
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,639
We gotta stop this.
364
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:40,641
I will not let
Dusty demolish
365
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:41,975
the car I grew up in.
366
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,010
And the trunk
I grew up in!
367
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,880
My God, I've always dreamed
of driving somewhere
368
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:48,615
to stop something bad
from happening
369
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,350
and now I'm doing it!
370
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,060
DUSTY (over loudspeaker):
Hello, Arlen!
371
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,128
Are you ready to derby?!
372
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,565
(crowd cheering)
373
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,301
Hey!
374
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:14,040
Hey, we're gonna go scout
the talent in the crowd.
375
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:22,583
This is it, people!
376
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,551
Here comes our gorgeous,
angry monkey.
377
00:16:24,618 --> 00:16:27,320
Camera one, I want you
close on his neck vein.
378
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,723
Camera two, you're on his
shaking fists and spittle.
379
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:33,193
If something inside his
brain pops, I want to see it!
380
00:16:35,261 --> 00:16:37,430
Oh, good, Dusty's
not out there yet.
381
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,065
Maybe I can still save the car.
382
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:41,502
(car horn playing
"La Cucaracha")
383
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,436
Good Lord.
384
00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:44,470
Ugh.
385
00:16:44,538 --> 00:16:47,774
It looks like a giant
toilet seat cover.
386
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,510
So soft...
387
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,377
yet so powerful.
388
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,146
Hey, Hank!
389
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,053
It's like he
doesn't even care
390
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,422
that those tires
are whitewalls.
391
00:17:21,775 --> 00:17:23,376
(engine not starting)
392
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,527
(grunts)
393
00:17:40,594 --> 00:17:43,664
Dusty! Quick, you gotta
get out of there! Come on!
394
00:17:45,699 --> 00:17:49,570
He's trapped. Someone's
gotta get him out of there
before the car explodes.
395
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,305
The car that you love
the most in the world
is being destroyed.
396
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:55,809
How does that make you feel?
And could you please repeat
the question in your answer?
397
00:17:55,876 --> 00:18:00,113
Put those got‐dang cameras
down and help him! Come on!
398
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,591
(coughing):
Help! I'm all tangled up!
399
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,227
Get me outta here.
400
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:15,361
"Get me outta here?"
401
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,997
Somebody give Dusty
a better line!
402
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,331
"Don't let this car
be my coffin"?
403
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:19,332
Uh, "Gimme all
your helpin'!"
404
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:20,433
"I've got legs, but
405
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,035
I don't know if
I can use them!"
406
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:23,303
(coughing)
407
00:18:23,369 --> 00:18:24,304
Hang in there, Dusty.
408
00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:26,439
I'll get you outta there.
409
00:18:29,009 --> 00:18:29,943
(sighs)
410
00:18:30,010 --> 00:18:32,178
Everything's gonna
be okay.
411
00:18:42,723 --> 00:18:44,190
You all right, Dusty?
412
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:46,627
Nuh... Uh...
413
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,795
Oh, I guess not.
414
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:52,799
Oh, my God.
415
00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:54,167
You know what, Dusty?
416
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,536
I'm glad you're okay,
417
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,704
but I don't ever want
to see you again.
418
00:18:57,771 --> 00:19:00,173
I'm tired of your stupid
pranks, and I'm tired
419
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,008
of your got‐dang
rock '‘n' roll,
420
00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:04,444
anything‐goes lifestyle.
421
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,980
Why are you mad? I'm the one
with the injured beard.
422
00:19:07,047 --> 00:19:08,381
You call that angry?
423
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,216
This is supposed to be
our promo moment.
424
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:11,752
Look at that car!
425
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:16,089
Think about all the times
you tuned it up, Hank,
426
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,658
and tenderly washed it.
427
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,725
You loved that car!
428
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:20,927
Doesn't it make you want
to punch Dusty
429
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,128
with your upstage hand?!
430
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:23,463
Hank, wait!
431
00:19:24,698 --> 00:19:27,133
Did that Caddy really
mean that much to you?!
432
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,503
As much as your beard
means to you.
433
00:19:29,570 --> 00:19:31,638
Oh...
I'm sorry, Hank.
434
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:34,474
I assumed when Cotton gave
the Caddy to me so quickly,
435
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,376
and for free,
you didn't want it.
436
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,845
Yeah, well, Cotton...
437
00:19:38,912 --> 00:19:40,213
he's a jackass.
438
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,383
And you knew about this?
439
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,318
After I told you
to lay off Hank,
440
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,220
you set up this whole thing?
441
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,656
That does it, Portis‐‐
your show is canceled.
442
00:19:49,723 --> 00:19:51,958
You don't tell me
when the show is canceled‐‐
443
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,226
the network does.
444
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,761
I've got contracts with you.
445
00:19:54,828 --> 00:19:57,497
Paper can be ripped...
like your head.
446
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,666
We're at a demolition
derby in Texas.
447
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:02,402
You want me to tell these
folks you're from Hollywood?
448
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:05,238
You've seen what we've done
to Hank, and we like him.
449
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,440
You best watch your back, son.
450
00:20:07,508 --> 00:20:09,209
Fine, do what you want.
451
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:11,477
VH‐1 Classics is
swarming with bands
452
00:20:11,545 --> 00:20:13,614
who'll eat anything
I ask them to.
453
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,553
I'm sorry about the car.
454
00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:21,822
Well, I'm sorry
about the beard.
455
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,358
Ah, she'll grow back.
456
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,427
Your beard's a girl?
457
00:20:29,763 --> 00:20:31,965
Well, thanks for
fixing her up for me.
458
00:20:32,032 --> 00:20:34,034
It's the least
I could do, 'cuz.
459
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:36,302
So, Dusty, I was wondering...
460
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,705
when you guys are ready
to go on tour,
461
00:20:38,772 --> 00:20:41,708
do you think
maybe I could go with you?
462
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,745
We'd love to have you, Bobby,
463
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,847
but if you want to succeed
in show business,
464
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,381
you gotta stay in school.
465
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,017
Rock '‘n' roll takes a lot
of hard work and smarts.
466
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:56,356
You gotta know a lot of stuff,
like, umm, umm... arithmetic.
467
00:20:56,422 --> 00:20:58,158
And earth science.
468
00:20:58,224 --> 00:20:59,726
And the presidents.
469
00:20:59,793 --> 00:21:03,897
Man, I thought being a rock star
would be more fun than that.
470
00:21:03,964 --> 00:21:05,832
Nuh‐uh.
471
00:21:05,899 --> 00:21:07,968
(metallic groaning)
472
00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:54,380
HANK:
It's time to rock.
472
00:21:55,305 --> 00:22:55,522
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