Original subtitles

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Shh, here she comes.

ALL: Surprise!

HANK: Heh‐heh.

Eh, we get her every year.

This is the one day a year

my Dad disappoints me.

Feeling a little left out, are ya, Bobby?

Well, you shouldn't.

I got something in the truck just for you.

You like your birthday bone, don't you, girl?

BOBBY: Look, everybody!

( humming )

What the hell is that?

It's my new pet, Josh!

Lucky gave it to me.

He's gonna be such a great father.

Get that snake off you this instant!

I will not sit by

and watch you be strangled in my very own home!

Lucky, you're taking that dang thing back.

I don't know, Hank.

Snakes make pretty cool pets.

They don't have legs, so they can't run away from you.

And no matter how hard you cuddle it,

you can't break it.

No! Snakes are awful pets.

It's like a breathing stick

staring at you all weird. Now put it down.

Okay.

( shrieking ): It's coming to kill me!

It knows I'm a Christian!

( hissing )

( shuddering )

Whoa, I ain't never seen it do that before.

It's agitated.

Somebody go get Dale.

If I leave,

you guys will let me back in, right?

( whimpers )

People should just have dogs.

Well, Dale, what do you think?

You think you might want to grab it?

This is going to take time, Hank.

I'm trying to break its spirit,

but it's an Alpha snake whilst I am

clearly a Beta snake.

( all gasping )

Clever opening gambit.

Game on.

Ha!

Welp, it's in the toilet. Too late.

No, it's not. Quick, grab it.

Sorry, Hank. I'm a private contractor.

This is now a public matter.

Once that snake's head

crosses the rim threshold

it's the county's problem.

County's problem?

Come on. Do something.

Not to worry, the County Animal Control guys are the best.

I have personally seen Tommy and Rollo

kill a gopher with a pigeon.

HANK: The species

is a Burmese python, around six feet long.

It escaped down the toilet at 11:46.

So what do you want us to do about it?

Uh, I'd like you to catch it.

( sighing )

Little League field's clean.

They don't pay us enough for this.

And this yahoo wants us to catch his pet snake.

It's not my pet,

but it is your job.

Yeah, well we don't get paid the kind of money

the cops and firemen do. Not even close.

But when City Hall's run over by possums

they don't make 'em disappear; we do.

Yeah, you think it's just magic.

Well, it's the kind of magic you do

with a ball peen hammer in a deserted place.

This is the magic I believe in.

I pay my taxes and you find that snake.

People hate them and if they find out

that a six‐foot one is loose in the sewer,

it could cause a panic.

Panic? Hmm.

Maybe this could cause a panic.

Mr. Hill,

I am putting this matter to the top of our agenda.

Here's a form that will expedite things.

Ah, finally. Paperwork.

Now we're getting somewhere.

That guy's serious.

We might have to do something.

We are going to do something:

nothing.

The longer that snake is out there,

the more the town panics, the more valuable we become.

That snake is our ticket

to crazy overtime.

Well, all I know is

I had to raise a little hell in there.

But sometimes that's what you gotta do

to get the proper forms.

MIGUEL HERNANDEZ: And switching now to a breaking story,

we go live to the Heimlich County

Animal Control Department.

A 12‐foot‐long Burmese python escaped earlier today.

From what we can piece together,

an untrained animal hobbyist, Hank Hill,

purchased this animal as a joke,

grew bored with it, and apparently

flushed it down the toilet.

That's not true!

I don't believe this.

They're lying on the news.

Are they talking about Josh?

People think these animals make good pets,

but they don't. They're cold‐blooded killers.

Literally.

( sighs ): Chilling. And now we

go to our own Nancy Hicks Gribble, live on the scene.

No, no. Don't show our house. No!

Thanks, Miguel.

Neighbors, such as myself,

describe Mr. Hill as a quiet and somewhat rigid man

and the last person you'd expect to release

such a deadly threat

into this community's hearts and homes.

( sighs )

You know, I always thought we'd be on TV

for being murdered in our sleep.

Dang it, my phone is ringing off the hook.

You boys need to catch this snake.

That's what I told them!

We are doing everything possible.

The snake that was set loose

in our community is a vicious predator

and it cannot be caught on the cheap.

It's going to take time.

It might take

time and a half.

Golden time...

and hazard pay. Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Our budget's too tight as it is.

This is a crisis of public safety, Don.

It appears my colleague here is soft on snakes.

Are you kidding me?

Nobody hates snakes more than I do.

Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.

If anyone knows my history,

he knows I'm tough on snakes.

That's right. Uh‐huh.

As chairman, I move we allocate

more money to snake eradication.

This isn't about money!

Just make these people do their jobs.

I say we don't just allocate "some money,"

we allocate all money needed!

I say on top of that we get these boys

another full‐time Animal Control Officer

to help win my war on snakes.

Hmm.

( screams )

Dale, get on your cleanest jumpsuit

because you are going to apply

for that job with County Animal Control.

An opening?

But I don't have the chops to work with Tommy and Rollo.

Why do you like these guys so much?

So far all they've done is blame me and asked for money.

Well, I always blame you and ask for money.

Maybe I could fit in!

Mr. Gribble?

Yes, ridiculous name. I know.

What makes you think you can be a snake hunter?

To be honest, I have no business even sitting here

with you gentlemen.

I am unqualified, uncertified, and untrained.

I have no references.

I am prone to nervousness,

and when nervous, I vomit in my mouth.

Dale, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

As a matter of fact,

you're exactly what we're looking for.

Really?

Are you sure?

Go on home,

make love to your wife,

and then come back here ready to be a hero.

But...

But she's at work.

I'll figure it out.

( humming )

He's perfect.

That moron couldn't find a snake

if he was wearing it for a necktie.

Kill you later!

Oh, what the hell.

( squirrel chittering )

There's no reason for this panic.

There's never been one instance

of a snake jumping out of a toilet and biting someone.

I even went on the...

( sighs ): the Web.

It's funny how much one little snake can change a man's life.

My bathroom used to be

where I went to find comfort and peace.

Now it's the sum of all my fears.

Yeah man, it's like I don't even have a dang ol' place

to read my dang ol' newspaper no more, man.

Don't worry about a thing.

Now that Dale Gribble, Animal Control Specialist,

has joined what my wife, the media,

has dubbed Team Snake Hunt,

that snake is all but caught.

Sha sha sha.

BILL: Whoa.

And best part of all, I'm working with my idols.

It would be like Boomhauer working with Wilt Chamberlin

or Hank working with, uh...

Dr. Propane, I'm assuming.

( sighs ): Just promise

that you'll catch that snake soon.

I get more looks and whispers

than that bank teller who's in between genders.

Well, this has been a great first day.

You guys have introduced me to sudoku

and we came up with our theme song.

Now, this might be the pedicure talking,

but when are we gonna catch that snake?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If we rush into this, then the snake has won.

Huh. Gentlemen,

here are your beers and your banana splits.

Enjoy.

And by the way, your bill has been taken care of.

Thank you, Team Snake Hunt!

( applause )

( giggles )

WOMAN: Thanks, guys.

Hey!

NEWSCASTER: We begin

with an "Arlen Snake Alarm" update.

( sighs )

Just turn the channel.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Hank.

'Cause of you, I gotta find someplace besides the commode

to do my business.

Huh?

I didn't have anything to do

with this snake.

It was a gift...

to, to my son...

See, it was my dog's birthday...

Uh, no one has anything to worry about.

The toilets are safe.

Don't buy into this media frenzy.

Let's hear you say that sitting on a toilet, honey.

It was one of the few pleasures in my life,

and you took it away.

( sighs )

ANNOUNCER (on TV): For the shopping experience of a lifetime,

drive up to the McMaynerbury Mall, snake‐free since 1982!

( hissing )

Damn, waiting for this foam will be the death of me.

You know, the firemen have a self‐frothing machine.

Yeah, and the cops have new headquarters

and those matching ATVs.

Why are we always at the bottom of the food chain?

Because they all have bond measures.

You know how it works,

cops can't catch criminals

unless Bond Measure C passes.

(mocking in child's voice): Librarians will shut down the children's weading woom

if Bond Measure L doesn't pass.

Hmm.

If Team Snake Hunt gets its own bond measure,

we can have any cappuccino machine we want.

Hell, yeah!

Bond Measure... S for Snake.

What do you say, brother?

I don't know anything about bond measures.

That's the beauty of it. Nobody does.

But they all vote "Yes"!

And once the bond measure passes,

then we'll catch the snake?

You got it, buddy.

Once Bond Measure S passes, that snake is toast.

( camera shutter clicks )

( screaming )

( no audible dialogue )

( no audible dialogue )

( sighs )

I keep looking up at the sky

and wondering if Josh is looking up at the same sky.

You'll feel better after you build a bear.

KAHN: Hey, Hank Hill,

snake scandal devalue my property more

than Dauterive sunbathing on front lawn.

It true. I checked.

Dale, you'd better have a snake in that backpack.

Don't be ridiculous.

How would I put a snake in my pack

with all my sophisticated snake finding equipment:

like my personal ionic air purifier,

my anti‐fog mirror and CD player,

and my monogrammed flotation device?

What do you need with all that stuff?

( laughs )

Don't be embarrassed by your ignorance, Hank.

You, as a citizen idiot,

would have no idea how to catch a snake.

Dang it, Dale.

I made you get that county job

to make sure those guys did their job and caught that snake.

Have you even looked down in the sewers?

We don't just willy‐nilly go down in the sewers, Hank.

It takes strategy, planning.

In fact, Tommy and Rollo are in the Snake Control Room

as we speak planning our next move.

The what?

The Snake Control Room?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

It's probably just the copy room.

The copy room?

I don't think all the monitors, sensors,

and tracking devices would fit in the copy room.

I think the Snake Control Room is more like the Danger Room

from theX‐Men.

So you've seen it?

Of course.

I mean, uh, I've been outside the door.

I don't have clearance to...

It's, uh, it's a lengthy review process.

Huh.

Come on, Dale.

We're going to see what those giblet‐heads are really up to.

Guys?

Um, I know you said never to bother you

when you're in the War Room,

but I need to talk to you about something.

Guys?

( techno music playing )

You were right, Hank.

They're frauds.

We're going into the sewer.

Let's go kill a snake and a bond measure.

These public sewers are labyrinthian... tine.

Since Tommy and Rollo never actually trained me,

we could get lost down there.

I'll become one of the mysterious sewer people.

Over time, my memories of the English language

will disappear, and I'll be forced to invent my own.

( speaking gibberish )

Get moving, Dale.

"Dear Ex‐Idols:

"Someone needs to catch that snake

"and I guess it's gonna be me.

"P.S. I signed for your executive dartboard

"from The Sharper Image.

It's on the wall."

Holy crap, he's going in the sewer.

That Boy Scout is gonna crash our gravy train.

We gotta stop him.

We're actually inside Arlen's colon.

It's kind of spooky down here.

Do you think poop has ghosts?

Apparently, not everyone was afraid to use their toilets.

Look, it's a wheel from a child's tricycle.

This is a place of terrible beauty.

ROLLO: Wait, did you hear something?

Dale?

Wait a second. That was Rollo's voice.

They're after us!

Well, how'd they even know we were down here?

Probably the note I left.

Come on!

We've gotta hurry up and catch that snake.

( squeaking )

The snake! Quick, grab it.

( screams, grunting )

( grunting ): I got a hold of it!

It's trying to wrap itself around me,

but it didn't count on my strategy

of me wrapping around it!

( laughs )

( grunting )

I did it!

I'm not sure that's Bobby's snake.

Oh, my God, it's not.

Oh, Lord in Heaven above.

Don't worry, Hank.

I've got three weeks of exterminating to catch up on.

Where to begin?

Eenie‐meenie‐minie kill!

( grunting )

Ha!

Dale!

Look at that vermin pit.

More like money pit.

Dale, stop killing our money right now.

What the hell happened to you?

You used to be reptile‐ and rodent‐killing machines.

Now you're practically veterinarians.

Hey, nobody gave a damn about us till the snake showed up,

and no one will give a damn about us once it's gone.

That's why you kill?

For appreciation?

From people like him?

You know why you should do it?

Because it's your job and you're getting a paycheck.

Or how about you do it

because right now Dale's wife,

Channel 84's Nancy Hicks Gribble,

is on her way to the Animal Control Office.

She's gonna expose what really goes on

in that Snake Control Room.

What do you want?

I want you to end this madness

and publicly repudiate Bond Measure S.

( hissing )

There's Josh!

Are you with me, brothers?

( grunting )

Yah! Yah!

Ugh.

Hey, if, uh, if Bobby asks,

we let Josh go on a farm.

DALE: Yah!

( Rollo laughs )

And since my raison d'etre,

i.e. the Burmese python, has been eradicated.

I hereby resign my position.

But what about future snake threats?

Don't we need Bond Measure S to safeguard our children?

Oh, yes, the children. Yeah, what about 'em?

Bond Measure S is nothing more

than an expensive government boondoggle

that in no way will help us with our efforts in Animal Control.

With one percent of the precincts in,

we are projecting that Bond Measure A,

The Clean Air for Our Children to Breathe bond measure,

will pass 62% to 38%.

Oh!

You hear that, little baby?

You're going to be able to breathe.

As did Bond Measure F,

The Children Are Our Future initiative,

with 67% of the vote.

Children really are our future, you know.

And in a stunning upset,

Bond Measure S for a Snake‐Free Arlen

squeaked by with only 59% of the vote.

Tell me about the farm again, Dad.

Uh, yeah, well, uh, it's a really great place,

I tell you what, especially for a snake.

You know, lots of, uh, lots of mice, I guess,

that, uh, that Josh ate.

That's Josh, all right.

Tell me more.

Well, it's a... it's a good farm.

( Dale speaking gibberish )

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