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This programme contains some strong
language and some scenes of a sexual nature
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HE GROANS AND CHUCKLES
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I love that view.
4
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,200
Who the fuck...?
5
00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,440
ALARM CLOCK BEEPS
6
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HE WHIMPERS
7
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Ugh!
8
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Shit.
9
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,920
Yeah, OK.
10
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Here you go, mate.
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All right?
12
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Jesus!
13
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,800
Oh, God!
14
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,117
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
15
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,437
Sorry I'm late.
16
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,840
HONK-HONK! Oh...
17
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HE SLURPS
18
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Sorry.
19
00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,397
HE UNZIPS
20
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,877
WHIMSICAL UPBEAT MUSIC
21
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INDISTINCT
22
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,040
DING!
23
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,480
HE GLUGS
24
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,597
FANFARE AND RECORDED CHEERING
25
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,917
Thank you. Thank you.
26
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,957
MAN GROANS
27
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,197
ALARM BEEPS
28
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,437
Oh, my... Oh, no! Graham's
collapsed. Oh, God!
29
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,237
Sir? It's his birthday! Sir?
30
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,317
Is there someone you'd normally
call in a moment like this?
31
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,357
SIREN WAILS
32
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,317
Hello, sir?
33
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,357
Do you have anyone?
34
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,877
DANCE MUSIC
35
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:15,917
Do you know what I mean?
36
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,917
Relationships are
fundamentally fucked.
37
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,357
You know when you meet someone and
you feel like your life is fixed,
38
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,997
but then you just
end up hurting them?
39
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,757
And then what? And
then you're dead.
40
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,040
I'm going to go dance
with my friends.
41
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,600
All right?
42
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,397
You know what I mean? Like, how
are we meant to know how to love
43
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,117
if we were never
taught how to love?
44
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,277
Totally. It's
fucked up. HE SPITS
45
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,357
We just end up doing all the
same shit our parents did.
46
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,597
I want to come in your face.
47
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,680
Oh... Y-yeah. Oh...
48
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,277
Come here often?
49
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,117
Shh, shh. Sorry.
50
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,517
Ohhh!
51
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,597
Jamma! Ohhh! Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
52
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,237
Oh, my God! My sofa! No.
No, no, no... Get off!
53
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,757
Oh... It's not
what it looks like.
54
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,757
Who's that? I don't
know! I've never met him!
55
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,557
No! No! What are you doing?
56
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,477
I'll just get it
off with this. No!
57
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SHOUTING
58
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,597
♪ Here I go, falling
down, down, down
59
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,357
♪ My mind is a blank
60
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,597
♪ My head is spinning
around and around
61
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,840
♪ As I go deep into
the funnel of love
62
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,637
♪ It's such a
crazy, crazy feeling
63
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,557
♪ I get weak in the knees
64
00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,677
♪ My poor old head is a-reelin'
65
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,840
♪ As I go deep into
the funnel of love
66
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,077
♪ Here I go, falling
down, down, down
67
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,717
♪ My mind is a blank
68
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,917
♪ My head is spinning
around and around
69
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,080
♪ As I go deep into
the funnel of love
70
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,640
♪ Deep into the
funnel of love. ♪
71
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,080
Just say it. Say what?
72
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,797
You were only meant to be
crashing here a few weeks, Jam.
73
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,037
It HAS been a few weeks.
74
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,277
It's been six months!
75
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,997
Can you sit down?
You're stressing me out.
76
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,997
We feel like you've been a bit lost
ever since you broke up with Guy.
77
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,397
What? No, no. No, I haven't.
78
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,997
You covered my sofa
in jizz stains.
79
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,037
Oh, they're not mine.
80
00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,717
That makes it worse. Much worse.
81
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,237
Sorry, when did you two
become a married couple?
82
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,157
What? We're not...
..a married couple.
83
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,837
You just finished
each other's sentence.
84
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,237
No, we... didn't.
85
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,357
Oh, my God.
86
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,397
Maybe it's time that you...
87
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,520
HE SIGHS
88
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,517
...text Guy.
89
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,557
No, no. OK. No. Sorry.
90
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,397
My life has never
been better, OK?
91
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,277
You're literally a clown.
92
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,957
Events entertainment
facilitator.
93
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,197
That's not a job.
94
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,237
Says the guy who's painting
nipples for a living.
95
00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,560
They're not nipples!
96
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:04,957
It's abstract.
97
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,277
You need honest feedback.
98
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,437
You need to move out.
99
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,117
It's my exhibition tomorrow and
your shit's still everywhere.
100
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,357
Winnie...
101
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,997
But we're having
a-so much a-fun.
102
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,237
Yeah, I know it's been
fun, but I'm just...
103
00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,317
I'm trying to do...
BOTH: ..the right thing.
104
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,797
Jinx! No, no, no!
105
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,277
BOTH: Touched your
bum, made you come.
106
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,317
On the sofa.
107
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,637
BOTH: Too soon. Jinx!
108
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:23,837
Touched your bum, made you come.
109
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,637
Again! EXCITED CHATTER
110
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,520
I can't make art under
these conditions!
111
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:34,197
Oh, OK, look, what if I got
the jizz stain out your sofa?
112
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,277
You should do that anyway.
113
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,397
Shh...
114
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,520
Then can I stay?
115
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,157
OK! Yes! I'm going
to get the spray.
116
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,557
SHE CHUCKLES
117
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:43,680
Silly.
118
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,437
What? He jinxed me!
119
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,520
Jinxed. You saw.
120
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,560
Oh, Jamma, you've left
your phone in the...
121
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,280
MESSAGE SEND SOUND
122
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,317
No more flighty, immature men.
123
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,157
Well, yes, exactly. I have
been burnt so many times.
124
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,837
It's not our job to rescue them.
We've done the work. Exactly.
125
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,277
All I want is a
solid relationship.
126
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,157
Someone to make me
a cup of tea. Yes.
127
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,957
Someone to split the
admin with. Please!
128
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,877
You sort the flight,
I'll book the hotel.
129
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,117
Well, that's exactly that.
130
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,557
ICal or Google?
131
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,277
Well, I mean... Come on...
132
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,800
It's iCal every
time. Yes! We sync.
133
00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:37,997
This is going well, isn't it?
134
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,237
Yeah. Yeah, very, very well.
135
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,880
PHONE VIBRATES Oh, sorry.
136
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,120
I should have turned
that off. Erm...
137
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,517
You OK? Erm... Yeah. Sorry.
138
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,037
Yes. Erm... That is, er...
139
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,917
That is... That
is my accountant.
140
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,397
Well, I didn't want to brag on my
profile, but I am an Excel whiz.
141
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,917
Stop it! You're turning me on.
142
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,677
And that's another thing I
do not miss. What's that?
143
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,557
The sex.
144
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,597
Give us an itinerary over
a blow job any day, right?
145
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:13,720
Mm.
146
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,397
Hey, homemakers.
Squeaky Dyke here.
147
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,837
Today, I'm going to be showing
you how to get those pesky stains
148
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,077
out of your sofa.
149
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,757
All you need is vinegar.
150
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,037
Now, the crazy thing about vinegar
is it actually contains some
151
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,397
really special enzymes
that break down the fabric,
152
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,237
so whatever you do, do not
put the vinegar on the sofa.
153
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,077
That will just ruin the
whole thing. HE GASPS
154
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,437
And under no circumstances
should you rub the vinegar in,
155
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,317
cos that'll just make
a bad situation worse.
156
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,477
But if you have done
that for some reason,
157
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,317
like a complete moron, don't worry
because you can actually fix that
158
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,957
by quickly grabbing some
bicarbonate of soda.
159
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,157
Bicarbonate of soda...
160
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,277
Now, you really want to have
that in your hands right now
161
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,637
because this is a time-pressure
situation. Yes, yes, yes! Hold on!
162
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,037
The amazing thing about bicarb is
it actually contains some enzymes
163
00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,637
which break down the vinegar.
164
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,157
But listen to me very carefully.
Yes, yes, I'm listening.
165
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:08,157
Only sprinkle the bicarb in
one quick motion onto a tissue.
166
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,917
Aaaargh! Direct contact will
permanently discolour the sofa.
167
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,037
And I mean, that's just
not going to recover.
168
00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,157
You won't be able to fix it.
169
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,837
OK, hope that was helpful.
170
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,917
Squeaky Dyke over and
out. OK, no, I'll just...
171
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,517
And please do not get the
genius idea of hiding one stain
172
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,837
by staining the whole sofa, cos
that's just never going to work.
173
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,917
Fuck you! Fuck you!
174
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,960
Please like and subscribe. Bye!
175
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,120
Oh... Oh...
176
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,720
HE GROANS
177
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,200
Noooo!
178
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,117
Aaaaaargh!
179
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,677
Aaaargh...
180
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,637
HE TYPES
181
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,680
Aaaaaargh!
182
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,840
TRANQUIL MUSIC
183
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,280
Oh...
184
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:39,760
Mm.
185
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,520
DISTANT VOICE: Jamma...
186
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:58,757
Jamma...
187
00:09:58,840 --> 00:09:59,960
TRANQUIL MUSIC FADES
188
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:02,960
Jamma...
189
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,160
Jamma! What have you done?!
190
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,797
I can explain. Good luck
finding a place to sleep tonight
191
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,837
cos it ain't here. What,
you're throwing me out?
192
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,277
Isaac is right - I have to
be more boundaried with you
193
00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,037
and... this is a boundary.
194
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,317
I'll sort it before
the exhibition.
195
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,397
Really?
196
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,597
The composition and then the
background and the foreground,
197
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,557
but it's an optical
illusion, really...
198
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,677
Oh... How?
199
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:26,800
HE GASPS
200
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,677
HE GASPS SHARPLY
201
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,237
Don't you hide from me!
202
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,797
What is Guy doing here?
203
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,237
Oh, er... I text
him from your phone.
204
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,317
What?! What happened
to boundaries?
205
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,637
It's cute when I do it.
206
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,640
SHE GIGGLES Winnie!
207
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:05,280
Hello and welcome to this
open-house exhibition.
208
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,000
Woo!
209
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,077
Er... As you can see, we
are in the artist's abode,
210
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,160
but the artist himself
will remain anonymous.
211
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,397
Why?
212
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,877
The artist, erm, er...
213
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,917
...wants you to give
honest feedback on these...
214
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,357
Nipples? Not nipples.
215
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,237
Mammary glands.
Not mammary glands.
216
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,597
Areolas. No,
definitely not areolas.
217
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,277
Breast-feeding.
OK, stop guessing.
218
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,557
Are you the artist?
219
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,277
No. So, then, how do you know?
220
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,117
Er... I... I-I don't.
221
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,880
So they could be nipples?
222
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,080
Yeah.
223
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:47,917
CHATTER
224
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,117
OK, well, this artist does accept
debit cards, credit cards, Amex...
225
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,517
Hello?
226
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,640
Erm...
227
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,637
Hello.
228
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,317
Hi. What are you doing here?
229
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,957
Well, just here
to support Isaac.
230
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,157
Me too.
231
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,557
Yeah, I've just come in now cos
I don't live here on the sofa.
232
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,317
Oh, right. Yeah.
233
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,680
That's my jacket.
234
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,840
I'll just go put it
back, then. Mm-hm. Yeah.
235
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,600
Get out!
236
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,680
Oh... These are paint pots.
237
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,957
How are you, anyway?
238
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,757
Oh, yeah. Good. Really good.
239
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,557
Yeah, you know, just having
fun, doing my own thing.
240
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,517
Winnie says you're
a performer now.
241
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,517
Events entertainment
facilitator.
242
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,837
Ah. Yeah, it's like,
er, performance art,
243
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,637
but very balloon-based.
244
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:04,797
So, like a clown.
245
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,317
That's the technical
term, I guess.
246
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,397
So, it's all worked out, then?
247
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,197
Yeah, definitely. Really well.
248
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,477
Oh, good. You?
249
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,077
Yeah, good. Just, er,
moved into a new house.
250
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,997
Do you have a spare
room? What? Nothing.
251
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,957
And, erm, and I'm
writing a book.
252
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,597
Ah. About what?
253
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,920
Erm... It's about commitment...
254
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,717
...in long-term relationships.
255
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,077
Ah... That's...
That's good. Yeah.
256
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:32,677
I mean, it is definitely a nipple
cos this is the same as my mole.
257
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:33,837
Oh, my God.
258
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,240
What? Huh?
259
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:39,957
Why does everyone
think they're nipples?
260
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,437
Pfft. People are so immature.
261
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,717
Oh! Oh, my God. She
actually turned up.
262
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,757
Who? Maya Calatchi. Ah.
263
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,117
She's only the finest fine
artist of our generation.
264
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,437
Well, go and talk to her.
265
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:52,477
I... I can't.
266
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:53,677
Oh, my gosh. Come.
267
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,717
I'll be your Winnie-man. OK.
268
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,080
Smile. Eee...
269
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,400
WINNIE CLEARS THROAT
270
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,597
WHACK! Hi, I'm Maya Calatchi.
271
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,837
No. No, you're Maya Calatchi.
272
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,317
We're all Maya Calatchi.
273
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,717
Calatch-me if you can! Ha-ha!
274
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,957
I'm such a huge fan. I
absolutely adore your work.
275
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:16,637
I think it's neo, erm...
classic... liberal...
276
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,877
...m-m-meta...metatarsal...
metaphysical, erm...
277
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,117
...colon...post-colonoscopy...
278
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,717
I think it's so cool.
279
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,677
Are you an artist? Yes.
280
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:26,717
Yeah, I'm an artist.
281
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,637
And I'm his muse. What? Hmm?
282
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,400
So, what do you think
about this garbage?
283
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,957
Garb... Garbage?
284
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,357
Erm... It's provocative garbage.
285
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,957
I think the artist is just trying
to elicit the cyclical nature of...
286
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,277
Nipples. Nipples.
287
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,117
OK, I'm going to stop
you there, Maya Calatchi.
288
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,037
I find these paintings
deeply erotic and Isaac is...
289
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,877
I'm not into them.
290
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,677
Er, yeah. Garbage. Shit.
291
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,797
Where is this so-called artist?
292
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,397
He's an enigma. Some
say he's like Banksy.
293
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,960
More like Wanksy.
294
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,800
The only piece in
here of note...
295
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,120
...is that one.
296
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,680
So Duchampian.
297
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,520
Oh...
298
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,797
Oh.
299
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,357
I like your jumper.
300
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,600
Oh. Erm...
301
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,037
Er... Oh. Er, right.
302
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,237
Erm... Well, it's...
303
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,917
I ca... I can't...
304
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,317
Well, it's... I...
305
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,277
It's a jumper.
306
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,440
Hmm.
307
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,677
OK... JAMMA CHUCKLES
308
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:37,957
What? What was that?
309
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,637
What was what? The hottest guy
in the room just came up to you
310
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,837
and stroked your bicep, and you
told him your jumper was a jumper.
311
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,277
Well, it is a jumper. He
was flirting with you.
312
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,397
Jamma, he wasn't
flirting with me.
313
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,477
Wow. Yeah. Where's your game?
314
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,397
What do you mean, what
game? What happened?
315
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,360
What do you think
happened, Jamma?
316
00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,117
Listen, erm, I'm going
to go because, er,
317
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,277
I have writing deadlines and...
318
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,840
Yeah. I'm sorry.
That was... Erm...
319
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,360
GUY SIGHS Sorry. Excuse me.
320
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,397
Ugh! Oh, my God. I'm
so sorry. Oh, my God!
321
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,277
I know how to get a stain out.
322
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:18,957
The chaotic staining,
the bleeding hues...
323
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,757
It's obviously conveying the
fractured psyche of someone
324
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,917
yearning for a love that
is now out of reach.
325
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:26,957
Hmm. Hmm.
326
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,837
I want to buy it.
327
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:29,877
What? What?
328
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,800
Now I understand this vision,
the artist intrigues me.
329
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,277
It is I.
330
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,477
I am the artist.
331
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,437
You are the artist? Yeah. Yeah.
332
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,557
So you are the one
behind the nipples?
333
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,237
Ah, they're not nipples.
334
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,920
So you were lying to me?
335
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,077
No. I hate it when artists
don't stand by their own work.
336
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,237
Then I stand by it.
337
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,877
You shouldn't. It's shit.
338
00:16:54,960 --> 00:17:00,397
Oh. You know, I would respect
them more if they WERE nipples.
339
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,317
No, no, wait.
340
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,877
They are.
341
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,000
Ah!
342
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,120
Look at the mole!
343
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,877
Huh. Oh, wow. Thanks. That
is my favourite jumper.
344
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,717
Mine too.
345
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,840
Mm.
346
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,877
What are you doing after this?
347
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,837
Grouting my new bathroom.
348
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:20,917
On a Saturday night?
349
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,637
Yeah, well, it... needs to be dry
in time for my bath on Sunday.
350
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,797
We need to get you laid.
351
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,157
You are unbearable.
352
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,840
I know. That is
another paint pot.
353
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,397
Er... Oh, my God, I'm sor...
354
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,320
I'll do the stain
thing again. Yeah.
355
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:37,917
Got eyes on him? Mm-hm.
356
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,677
Right, now, you wait until
he's looking at you...
357
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,837
Right, mm-hm... and then
you give him the gay gaze.
358
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,037
The gay ga... The
what? The gay gaze.
359
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,237
It's when you hold eye
contact for a bit too long
360
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,237
and if he holds
it back, it's on.
361
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,917
All right. Ready?
362
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,277
Is he looking?
363
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,877
Yep. OK, do it now.
364
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,357
Eye contact. Go.
365
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,477
SULTRY MUSIC
366
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:01,877
♪ Do you miss me tonight?
367
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,637
♪ Are you feeling... ♪
368
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:04,957
The fuck is that?
369
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,157
What do you mean?! You told
me to hold eye contact!
370
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,837
You're like a basilisk!
He's going to report you!
371
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,117
Oh, my God. Turn
around. Oh, God!
372
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,357
Right, OK, after
three, turn back round.
373
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:15,837
If he's still
looking, it's go time.
374
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:16,997
I'm not sure about this, Jamma.
375
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,797
One, two, three, go! Oh...
376
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,077
Oh, sweet Jesus.
377
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,557
Hi.
378
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,920
I'm Lloyd.
379
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,677
Hi, Lloyd. Yeah, this is Guy.
380
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,597
Hello.
381
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:29,997
You into nipples?
382
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,077
Excuse me?
383
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,477
The paintings. Oh, erm... Yeah.
384
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,837
So you have sensitive nipples?
385
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:35,917
Er... Sorry?
386
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,397
He does. You?
387
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,637
Nah, they do nothing for me.
388
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,197
GUY SCOFFS That's
not what I remember.
389
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,157
Yeah, sorry, I lied.
390
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,560
Are you two a couple?
391
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,957
I have a thing for couples.
392
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,317
We're actually, erm...
393
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,920
Yes, we are... a couple.
394
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,480
That's hot.
395
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,797
What are you doing?
396
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,517
I'm helping you out.
397
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,717
Ever had a threesome?
398
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,997
Oh... No, my husband
is very old-fashioned.
399
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,397
No... No, I'm not. You can
come back to mine if you want.
400
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,877
Do you have a spare
room? Yes, I do.
401
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,717
Er... Just... Can
I have a second?
402
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,917
Yeah. Sorry. Thank
you. Do you mind?
403
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,837
Thanks. What is
happening right now?
404
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,117
He wants a threesome!
405
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,957
Oh, yeah. No, I got that
bit. This is perfect.
406
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,997
You get to have some actual fun in
your life and I get a place to stay.
407
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,557
What, you haven't
got a place to stay?
408
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,077
You're focusing on
the wrong thing.
409
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,637
Come on, it'll be weird.
410
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:24,957
It'll help you get over me.
411
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,117
Well, who... who said
I wasn't over you?
412
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,677
Are you? Yeah. Definitely.
413
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,557
Good. Then it won't
be weird, will it?
414
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,280
Jamma, I'm not going
to have a threesome.
415
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,237
I can't believe we're
having a threesome.
416
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,317
I can't believe he's
got underfloor heating.
417
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,277
Do you reckon I
could use his bath?
418
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,477
Make yourselves at home.
419
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:43,640
Oh, we will.
420
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,277
JAMMA GASPS
421
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,517
Are you seeing this?
What, all the sex toys?
422
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,957
No, the sofa is the same
as Winnie's, but brand-new.
423
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,240
Why the fuck are you
two still dressed?
424
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,757
Sorry, Zacky boy.
425
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,717
You did say you wanted
honest feedback.
426
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,560
Yeah, not THAT honest. Hmm.
427
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,880
At least we sold the sofa.
428
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,080
Sorry.
429
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,317
I don't have a fractured psyche.
430
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,597
Everyone has a
fractured psyche, Isaac.
431
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:27,957
Maybe we just need to figure out
432
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,240
what it is you're actually
trying to say, you know?
433
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,400
Other than the fact you're
completely obsessed with me.
434
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,157
That's not what
I'm trying to say.
435
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,597
OK. Tell your subconscious that.
436
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,000
SHE CHUCKLES
437
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:49,997
Say something domestic.
438
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,640
Domestic? Hmm.
439
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,477
Something couply.
440
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,077
Oh. OK, look, erm, you know,
we're not actually a couple.
441
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,237
We broke up. Yeah.
442
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,677
Yeah, that's good, that's good.
443
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,397
No, no, that wasn't dirty talk.
Genuinely, we've broken up.
444
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,037
Oh, yeah? I bet the
break-up sex was amazing.
445
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,637
I don't think we
actually had any...
446
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,557
Yeah, it was. It
was really sexy.
447
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,717
I love break-up sex. Oh, God.
448
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,237
So raw. Mm-hm.
449
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,677
So broken.
450
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,317
Oh. Tell him how he hurt you.
451
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,237
Sorry?
452
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,077
Did he break your heart?
453
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,757
Yeah, yeah, he did.
454
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,877
Did I? I don't know. Sorry,
are we still doing dirty talk?
455
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,397
Shh. Stay open, yeah?
456
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,277
Yeah. Stay vulnerable.
457
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,277
It was you who finished it
with me. That's it, that's it.
458
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,997
Well, only because you
wanted me to. That's it.
459
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,477
No, I wanted commitment.
460
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,877
You're the one who didn't
want to do the work.
461
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,357
Well, relationships
shouldn't be work.
462
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,597
That is categorically
not true, Jamma.
463
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,037
Is there anything
you're afraid to say?
464
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,077
There's nothing
I'm afraid to say.
465
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,837
Say it. Well, no, I can't.
466
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:43,960
Just say it.
467
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,077
God, it's been a...
468
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,040
...really shitty
six months, Jamma.
469
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,597
You know that?
470
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,237
Just as I'm getting my life in
order, you decide to text me.
471
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,960
How do you think
that makes me feel?
472
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,477
I...
473
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,800
I'm sorry.
474
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,880
I've really missed you.
475
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,560
WHISPERS: Fuck.
476
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,040
Well, yeah, I've missed you too.
477
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,200
Ugh!
478
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:19,760
Ugh...
479
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,440
LLOYD GRUNTS
480
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,240
LLOYD SIGHS Wow.
481
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,200
You two are really
good at role play.
482
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,480
Hmm.
483
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,200
WATER RUNS
484
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,877
Jamma, have you seen my pants?
485
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,877
Your pants? Yeah, the blue ones.
486
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,037
No.
487
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,760
So... back to your place?
488
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,837
Obviously that was a joke.
489
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,717
Well, where ARE
you going to stay?
490
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,240
Oh, I just, erm...
491
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,160
WHISPERS: I might need
your help with something.
492
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:09,960
How?
493
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:13,917
Long story, but I can
never go back to Gravesend.
494
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,437
Welcome back, cheeky boy.
495
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,117
Oh, thank you, cheeky girl.
496
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,000
Oh, sleepy time
now. Sleepy time.
497
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,280
Night-night.
498
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:23,640
HE SIGHS
499
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,680
HE INHALES
34456
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