Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

HE GROANS AND CHUCKLES

I love that view.

Who the fuck...?

ALARM CLOCK BEEPS

HE WHIMPERS

Ugh!

Shit.

Yeah, OK.

Here you go, mate.

All right?

Jesus!

Oh, God!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Sorry I'm late.

HONK-HONK! Oh...

HE SLURPS

Sorry.

HE UNZIPS

WHIMSICAL UPBEAT MUSIC

INDISTINCT

DING!

HE GLUGS

FANFARE AND RECORDED CHEERING

Thank you. Thank you.

MAN GROANS

ALARM BEEPS

Oh, my... Oh, no! Graham's collapsed. Oh, God!

Sir? It's his birthday! Sir?

Is there someone you'd normally call in a moment like this?

SIREN WAILS

Hello, sir?

Do you have anyone?

DANCE MUSIC

Do you know what I mean?

Relationships are fundamentally fucked.

You know when you meet someone and you feel like your life is fixed,

but then you just end up hurting them?

And then what? And then you're dead.

I'm going to go dance with my friends.

All right?

You know what I mean? Like, how are we meant to know how to love

if we were never taught how to love?

Totally. It's fucked up. HE SPITS

We just end up doing all the same shit our parents did.

I want to come in your face.

Oh... Y-yeah. Oh...

Come here often?

Shh, shh. Sorry.

Ohhh!

Jamma! Ohhh! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God! My sofa! No. No, no, no... Get off!

Oh... It's not what it looks like.

Who's that? I don't know! I've never met him!

No! No! What are you doing?

I'll just get it off with this. No!

SHOUTING

♪ Here I go, falling down, down, down

♪ My mind is a blank

♪ My head is spinning around and around

♪ As I go deep into the funnel of love

♪ It's such a crazy, crazy feeling

♪ I get weak in the knees

♪ My poor old head is a-reelin'

♪ As I go deep into the funnel of love

♪ Here I go, falling down, down, down

♪ My mind is a blank

♪ My head is spinning around and around

♪ As I go deep into the funnel of love

♪ Deep into the funnel of love. ♪

Just say it. Say what?

You were only meant to be crashing here a few weeks, Jam.

It HAS been a few weeks.

It's been six months!

Can you sit down? You're stressing me out.

We feel like you've been a bit lost ever since you broke up with Guy.

What? No, no. No, I haven't.

You covered my sofa in jizz stains.

Oh, they're not mine.

That makes it worse. Much worse.

Sorry, when did you two become a married couple?

What? We're not... ..a married couple.

You just finished each other's sentence.

No, we... didn't.

Oh, my God.

Maybe it's time that you...

HE SIGHS

...text Guy.

No, no. OK. No. Sorry.

My life has never been better, OK?

You're literally a clown.

Events entertainment facilitator.

That's not a job.

Says the guy who's painting nipples for a living.

They're not nipples!

It's abstract.

You need honest feedback.

You need to move out.

It's my exhibition tomorrow and your shit's still everywhere.

Winnie...

But we're having a-so much a-fun.

Yeah, I know it's been fun, but I'm just...

I'm trying to do... BOTH: ..the right thing.

Jinx! No, no, no!

BOTH: Touched your bum, made you come.

On the sofa.

BOTH: Too soon. Jinx!

Touched your bum, made you come.

Again! EXCITED CHATTER

I can't make art under these conditions!

Oh, OK, look, what if I got the jizz stain out your sofa?

You should do that anyway.

Shh...

Then can I stay?

OK! Yes! I'm going to get the spray.

SHE CHUCKLES

Silly.

What? He jinxed me!

Jinxed. You saw.

Oh, Jamma, you've left your phone in the...

MESSAGE SEND SOUND

No more flighty, immature men.

Well, yes, exactly. I have been burnt so many times.

It's not our job to rescue them. We've done the work. Exactly.

All I want is a solid relationship.

Someone to make me a cup of tea. Yes.

Someone to split the admin with. Please!

You sort the flight, I'll book the hotel.

Well, that's exactly that.

ICal or Google?

Well, I mean... Come on...

It's iCal every time. Yes! We sync.

This is going well, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, very, very well.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, sorry.

I should have turned that off. Erm...

You OK? Erm... Yeah. Sorry.

Yes. Erm... That is, er...

That is... That is my accountant.

Well, I didn't want to brag on my profile, but I am an Excel whiz.

Stop it! You're turning me on.

And that's another thing I do not miss. What's that?

The sex.

Give us an itinerary over a blow job any day, right?

Mm.

Hey, homemakers. Squeaky Dyke here.

Today, I'm going to be showing you how to get those pesky stains

out of your sofa.

All you need is vinegar.

Now, the crazy thing about vinegar is it actually contains some

really special enzymes that break down the fabric,

so whatever you do, do not put the vinegar on the sofa.

That will just ruin the whole thing. HE GASPS

And under no circumstances should you rub the vinegar in,

cos that'll just make a bad situation worse.

But if you have done that for some reason,

like a complete moron, don't worry because you can actually fix that

by quickly grabbing some bicarbonate of soda.

Bicarbonate of soda...

Now, you really want to have that in your hands right now

because this is a time-pressure situation. Yes, yes, yes! Hold on!

The amazing thing about bicarb is it actually contains some enzymes

which break down the vinegar.

But listen to me very carefully. Yes, yes, I'm listening.

Only sprinkle the bicarb in one quick motion onto a tissue.

Aaaargh! Direct contact will permanently discolour the sofa.

And I mean, that's just not going to recover.

You won't be able to fix it.

OK, hope that was helpful.

Squeaky Dyke over and out. OK, no, I'll just...

And please do not get the genius idea of hiding one stain

by staining the whole sofa, cos that's just never going to work.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Please like and subscribe. Bye!

Oh... Oh...

HE GROANS

Noooo!

Aaaaaargh!

Aaaargh...

HE TYPES

Aaaaaargh!

TRANQUIL MUSIC

Oh...

Mm.

DISTANT VOICE: Jamma...

Jamma...

TRANQUIL MUSIC FADES

Jamma...

Jamma! What have you done?!

I can explain. Good luck finding a place to sleep tonight

cos it ain't here. What, you're throwing me out?

Isaac is right - I have to be more boundaried with you

and... this is a boundary.

I'll sort it before the exhibition.

Really?

The composition and then the background and the foreground,

but it's an optical illusion, really...

Oh... How?

HE GASPS

HE GASPS SHARPLY

Don't you hide from me!

What is Guy doing here?

Oh, er... I text him from your phone.

What?! What happened to boundaries?

It's cute when I do it.

SHE GIGGLES Winnie!

Hello and welcome to this open-house exhibition.

Woo!

Er... As you can see, we are in the artist's abode,

but the artist himself will remain anonymous.

Why?

The artist, erm, er...

...wants you to give honest feedback on these...

Nipples? Not nipples.

Mammary glands. Not mammary glands.

Areolas. No, definitely not areolas.

Breast-feeding. OK, stop guessing.

Are you the artist?

No. So, then, how do you know?

Er... I... I-I don't.

So they could be nipples?

Yeah.

CHATTER

OK, well, this artist does accept debit cards, credit cards, Amex...

Hello?

Erm...

Hello.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Well, just here to support Isaac.

Me too.

Yeah, I've just come in now cos I don't live here on the sofa.

Oh, right. Yeah.

That's my jacket.

I'll just go put it back, then. Mm-hm. Yeah.

Get out!

Oh... These are paint pots.

How are you, anyway?

Oh, yeah. Good. Really good.

Yeah, you know, just having fun, doing my own thing.

Winnie says you're a performer now.

Events entertainment facilitator.

Ah. Yeah, it's like, er, performance art,

but very balloon-based.

So, like a clown.

That's the technical term, I guess.

So, it's all worked out, then?

Yeah, definitely. Really well.

Oh, good. You?

Yeah, good. Just, er, moved into a new house.

Do you have a spare room? What? Nothing.

And, erm, and I'm writing a book.

Ah. About what?

Erm... It's about commitment...

...in long-term relationships.

Ah... That's... That's good. Yeah.

I mean, it is definitely a nipple cos this is the same as my mole.

Oh, my God.

What? Huh?

Why does everyone think they're nipples?

Pfft. People are so immature.

Oh! Oh, my God. She actually turned up.

Who? Maya Calatchi. Ah.

She's only the finest fine artist of our generation.

Well, go and talk to her.

I... I can't.

Oh, my gosh. Come.

I'll be your Winnie-man. OK.

Smile. Eee...

WINNIE CLEARS THROAT

WHACK! Hi, I'm Maya Calatchi.

No. No, you're Maya Calatchi.

We're all Maya Calatchi.

Calatch-me if you can! Ha-ha!

I'm such a huge fan. I absolutely adore your work.

I think it's neo, erm... classic... liberal...

...m-m-meta...metatarsal... metaphysical, erm...

...colon...post-colonoscopy...

I think it's so cool.

Are you an artist? Yes.

Yeah, I'm an artist.

And I'm his muse. What? Hmm?

So, what do you think about this garbage?

Garb... Garbage?

Erm... It's provocative garbage.

I think the artist is just trying to elicit the cyclical nature of...

Nipples. Nipples.

OK, I'm going to stop you there, Maya Calatchi.

I find these paintings deeply erotic and Isaac is...

I'm not into them.

Er, yeah. Garbage. Shit.

Where is this so-called artist?

He's an enigma. Some say he's like Banksy.

More like Wanksy.

The only piece in here of note...

...is that one.

So Duchampian.

Oh...

Oh.

I like your jumper.

Oh. Erm...

Er... Oh. Er, right.

Erm... Well, it's...

I ca... I can't...

Well, it's... I...

It's a jumper.

Hmm.

OK... JAMMA CHUCKLES

What? What was that?

What was what? The hottest guy in the room just came up to you

and stroked your bicep, and you told him your jumper was a jumper.

Well, it is a jumper. He was flirting with you.

Jamma, he wasn't flirting with me.

Wow. Yeah. Where's your game?

What do you mean, what game? What happened?

What do you think happened, Jamma?

Listen, erm, I'm going to go because, er,

I have writing deadlines and...

Yeah. I'm sorry. That was... Erm...

GUY SIGHS Sorry. Excuse me.

Ugh! Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God!

I know how to get a stain out.

The chaotic staining, the bleeding hues...

It's obviously conveying the fractured psyche of someone

yearning for a love that is now out of reach.

Hmm. Hmm.

I want to buy it.

What? What?

Now I understand this vision, the artist intrigues me.

It is I.

I am the artist.

You are the artist? Yeah. Yeah.

So you are the one behind the nipples?

Ah, they're not nipples.

So you were lying to me?

No. I hate it when artists don't stand by their own work.

Then I stand by it.

You shouldn't. It's shit.

Oh. You know, I would respect them more if they WERE nipples.

No, no, wait.

They are.

Ah!

Look at the mole!

Huh. Oh, wow. Thanks. That is my favourite jumper.

Mine too.

Mm.

What are you doing after this?

Grouting my new bathroom.

On a Saturday night?

Yeah, well, it... needs to be dry in time for my bath on Sunday.

We need to get you laid.

You are unbearable.

I know. That is another paint pot.

Er... Oh, my God, I'm sor...

I'll do the stain thing again. Yeah.

Got eyes on him? Mm-hm.

Right, now, you wait until he's looking at you...

Right, mm-hm... and then you give him the gay gaze.

The gay ga... The what? The gay gaze.

It's when you hold eye contact for a bit too long

and if he holds it back, it's on.

All right. Ready?

Is he looking?

Yep. OK, do it now.

Eye contact. Go.

SULTRY MUSIC

♪ Do you miss me tonight?

♪ Are you feeling... ♪

The fuck is that?

What do you mean?! You told me to hold eye contact!

You're like a basilisk! He's going to report you!

Oh, my God. Turn around. Oh, God!

Right, OK, after three, turn back round.

If he's still looking, it's go time.

I'm not sure about this, Jamma.

One, two, three, go! Oh...

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Hi.

I'm Lloyd.

Hi, Lloyd. Yeah, this is Guy.

Hello.

You into nipples?

Excuse me?

The paintings. Oh, erm... Yeah.

So you have sensitive nipples?

Er... Sorry?

He does. You?

Nah, they do nothing for me.

GUY SCOFFS That's not what I remember.

Yeah, sorry, I lied.

Are you two a couple?

I have a thing for couples.

We're actually, erm...

Yes, we are... a couple.

That's hot.

What are you doing?

I'm helping you out.

Ever had a threesome?

Oh... No, my husband is very old-fashioned.

No... No, I'm not. You can come back to mine if you want.

Do you have a spare room? Yes, I do.

Er... Just... Can I have a second?

Yeah. Sorry. Thank you. Do you mind?

Thanks. What is happening right now?

He wants a threesome!

Oh, yeah. No, I got that bit. This is perfect.

You get to have some actual fun in your life and I get a place to stay.

What, you haven't got a place to stay?

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

Come on, it'll be weird.

It'll help you get over me.

Well, who... who said I wasn't over you?

Are you? Yeah. Definitely.

Good. Then it won't be weird, will it?

Jamma, I'm not going to have a threesome.

I can't believe we're having a threesome.

I can't believe he's got underfloor heating.

Do you reckon I could use his bath?

Make yourselves at home.

Oh, we will.

JAMMA GASPS

Are you seeing this? What, all the sex toys?

No, the sofa is the same as Winnie's, but brand-new.

Why the fuck are you two still dressed?

Sorry, Zacky boy.

You did say you wanted honest feedback.

Yeah, not THAT honest. Hmm.

At least we sold the sofa.

Sorry.

I don't have a fractured psyche.

Everyone has a fractured psyche, Isaac.

Maybe we just need to figure out

what it is you're actually trying to say, you know?

Other than the fact you're completely obsessed with me.

That's not what I'm trying to say.

OK. Tell your subconscious that.

SHE CHUCKLES

Say something domestic.

Domestic? Hmm.

Something couply.

Oh. OK, look, erm, you know, we're not actually a couple.

We broke up. Yeah.

Yeah, that's good, that's good.

No, no, that wasn't dirty talk. Genuinely, we've broken up.

Oh, yeah? I bet the break-up sex was amazing.

I don't think we actually had any...

Yeah, it was. It was really sexy.

I love break-up sex. Oh, God.

So raw. Mm-hm.

So broken.

Oh. Tell him how he hurt you.

Sorry?

Did he break your heart?

Yeah, yeah, he did.

Did I? I don't know. Sorry, are we still doing dirty talk?

Shh. Stay open, yeah?

Yeah. Stay vulnerable.

It was you who finished it with me. That's it, that's it.

Well, only because you wanted me to. That's it.

No, I wanted commitment.

You're the one who didn't want to do the work.

Well, relationships shouldn't be work.

That is categorically not true, Jamma.

Is there anything you're afraid to say?

There's nothing I'm afraid to say.

Say it. Well, no, I can't.

Just say it.

God, it's been a...

...really shitty six months, Jamma.

You know that?

Just as I'm getting my life in order, you decide to text me.

How do you think that makes me feel?

I...

I'm sorry.

I've really missed you.

WHISPERS: Fuck.

Well, yeah, I've missed you too.

Ugh!

Ugh...

LLOYD GRUNTS

LLOYD SIGHS Wow.

You two are really good at role play.

Hmm.

WATER RUNS

Jamma, have you seen my pants?

Your pants? Yeah, the blue ones.

No.

So... back to your place?

Obviously that was a joke.

Well, where ARE you going to stay?

Oh, I just, erm...

WHISPERS: I might need your help with something.

How?

Long story, but I can never go back to Gravesend.

Welcome back, cheeky boy.

Oh, thank you, cheeky girl.

Oh, sleepy time now. Sleepy time.

Night-night.

HE SIGHS

HE INHALES