Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What the...

Thank you.

Putting the finishing touches on my latest case.

I'm a private eye.

And no wisecracks about my name, okay? My parents were people of very limited

imagination.

So I give these pictures to my attorney, and it turns out I've been, you know

me, she won't get a penny for me in the divorce.

You saved me a bundle.

Another sleazy divorce case closed.

The roll in the hay?

Well, hey, girls gotta have fun once in a while.

And I keep private investigations.

Oh, hey, I know the place.

Ten tomorrow?

That's great.

See you then.

This was the stuff right out of an old movie. A mysterious caller in the middle

of the night.

A dark and smoky rendezvous.

Miss Rocky, I presume?

Hi, Dr.

Livingston.

Morris Cackles, my name. Thank you for coming so promptly. Please.

Okay, Battle, I'm here.

So, this was the Cloak and Bagger Act.

I'm afraid that ever since my arrival in your fair city, my movements have been

monitored. My business is most urgent and quite confidential.

I'm shadowing you.

Because of my peculiar profession, I've attracted a number of enemies who would

like to deprive me of my prize.

Speak English, Battle.

And get to the fucking point, or I'm going to walk.

I'm not cognizant of your fees, but I believe this is more than adequate

compensation.

No, this is more than adequate compensation for a whole herd of

Whatever you're looking for must be very important to you.

Oh, most certainly.

I'm on the verge of finding my grail. Yeah?

Well, where'd you lose it?

It's not a subject to make light of.

This is most important and very serious. I must have it, and I need your help to

do it.

Well, the price is certainly right.

But you haven't told me one fucking thing about what it is you're even

for. What I seek is considered myth by many.

It goes back centuries.

Wait a minute, is this going to be a weird battle?

Because I've got to tell you, I hate weird shit, so you better let me know

now. Back before the birth of Arthur was Merlin the Great Sorcerer.

Many believed he was a myth, but I have proof of his existence and of his power.

This is a fragment of a scroll written by Merlin.

In it, he details the source of his magic and of his longevity, the

Philosopher's Stone.

is the key to immortality.

The stone was lost for centuries to mankind.

And in 1909, in an archaeological expedition in Wales, the tomb was

At first it was believed to be the tomb of King Arthur.

But as they unearthed more of the tomb, they discovered it to be one of Merlin's

crystal caves.

Within the cave were many parchments and artifacts, the stone among them,

although they did not know it at the time.

The stone was shipped back to the British Museum of the other artifacts.

Examination of the relics was put off for the outbreak of World War I.

Then came World War II, and, well, by then, it was all but forgotten.

Then, in the 1960s, the British Museum fell on hard times.

They held an auction of several artifacts, the stone among them.

My father, an Arthurian scholar, purchased the stone at the auction, but

never got an opportunity to study its secrets.

I was murdered that same night, and the stone vanished.

I was a teenager at the time. There wasn't anything I could do.

Eventually, I learned all I could about Merlin and the stone, and I've been

tracking it ever since.

Tonight marks the end of my search.

I know where the stone is and who has it, but I need your help to get it.

Wow. I mean, that's one hell of a story.

You read a lot of tabloids, don't you?

This is most important than not to be made a joke of.

I must have this stone, and I need you to help me get it.

It's okay, it's okay. Come on, this is your delusion, and if you want to pay me

to find it, then that's fine by me.

So you'll take the assignment?

I ain't stupid, Battle, especially when it comes to cash.

So what do you want me to do?

That envelope is an address and a floor plan.

That's where the stone is.

And just how do you want me to get it?

By any means necessary.

Wait a minute. I don't care how much money is in this envelope.

I am not going to go breaking any fucking laws.

For the most, it's a little breaking and entering.

And so why don't you do it?

I told you I'm being watched.

So if they're watching you, then they're watching me now, too, right? Mm -hmm.

No. You see, in a moment, I'm going to get up and go to the men's room.

You'll go into my coat, take my wallet, and leave.

They will think you're simply a hooker who ripped me off.

Great fucking part you have me playing here.

Nice.

It's the only way. If we leave together, they'll be certain to follow us both.

If you do as I say, they'll stay with me.

So, if I do find this thingamajig, where do I find you?

I'm at the Strand, room 221B.

Well, it's your game, Battle.

Don't call me.

Just come directly to the hotel once you've docked the stern. I'll be

Okay, Larry.

Wait up.

Wait up.

That woman, she took my wallet.

I didn't know whose place this was, but I did know that they had plenty of

dough. I found what I was looking for quickly thanks to Battle's floor plans.

I still couldn't figure out how he'd gotten the one so detailed. It even had

alarm codes which allowed me to shut off the system.

But when you toss money around like he did, you could buy anything.

Well, would I be familiar with your work?

Well, I don't know. Do you run a lot of movies?

Sometimes. Have you seen Pussy Whippers 1 through 5?

I can't say that I have.

Maybe we should give him a preview.

Oh, fuck.

I'll bring a drink.

Damn!

Yeah, it's Valerie.

Impossible!

It can't be!

No, it's gone, you idiot!

No, no, no. I'll come down there.

Battle, I've got... Come and join us, Miss Harky.

And do so quietly.

We wouldn't want to attract any undue attention.

And, uh, Miss Harky, put away the gun. You won't be needing that.

my style.

If you don't mind, I'll take this.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The crystal you took from my house tonight.

If, and I say if I was at your house tonight, and if I took anything?

Do you think I'd be stupid enough to bring it here before my business

transactions even finish?

Please, Ann, is it?

I know how battle operates.

You're paid in advance for a high -risk job.

All you have to do is bring him the stone and go on your way.

Well, I don't have the stone.

Battle's dead.

I find you here.

Look at the gun in your hand over the body.

That's what I'm going to tell the cops.

How do you strangle a man with a gun, Ann?

I'm not going to find him here.

Are you telling me that Bell gave you his precious papers too?

Yeah, kind of an insurance.

You can't use the stone without the papers.

Did you check the body yet?

I'm afraid there wasn't time before you arrived, but it's a good idea.

It appears I have to believe that you have the papers, as you say.

Let's go get that man in stone, shall we?

Well, you still haven't told me who you are or what you're doing here.

Hey, Morgan.

Maurice worked for me as a go -between.

Why didn't you just deal with Ormond yourself?

I couldn't.

He'd never sell me the stone.

Why not?

We're rivals.

Have been for a very long time.

Now that he knows I'm involved...

I'll never get the stone.

Well, our mom doesn't have the stone.

I do.

So the mission was successful.

Thank you.

There isn't much time. Please, let me have the stone.

I wish you still haven't told me.

What's so special about you?

Why do you need this stone?

A stone is the key to immortality,

my dear.

I've been searching for this stone ever since I passed Merlin Green in the

South.

Without the stone,

The spell only gives me ten years of youth each time.

The stone give me unlimited immortality.

Now, where is it?

She fell out of me.

Thank you.

Ugh.

All this fuss over something that nobody can even fucking understand.

You really shouldn't tamper with things you don't understand, Anne.

Don't do it.

Well, then why don't you explain it to me, Charlie?

Have you ever heard of the legend of Camelot?

I've seen a few movies.

Not quite the same thing.

You've had to have been there.

Oh, so I suppose you're going to tell me that you were?

Absolutely. And Faye Morgan?

It's actually Morgan Le Fay, sorceress and chief rival of Merlin.

And who is Maurice?

An unfortunate pawn, a mortal employed by Morgan Le Fay.

So you two have been pursuing this philosopher's stone and this immortality

spell since... By 50 AD.

Oh, yeah, right. And I'm supposed to believe that you are over 1 ,400 years

Hell, you don't even look a day over 30.

And all without a single visit to the plastic surgeon.

Now, I'd like you to come join us at my home so you can see how all this works.

Well, you know, if it's just the same to you, I'd rather pass.

Thanks, though.

That was not a request.

Take all this with you, Tim.

I see him.

My dear.

So you're going to make a rabbit appear now, Charlie?

What you're about to witness, few mortals have.

Great. What are we waiting for?

Another guest.

Nice entrance.

It's quicker than driving.

All right, I'm here.

And I suppose you're going to gloat over your victory.

To the victor go the spoils, my dear Morgan.

Then I'll begin.

Thank you.

That last immortality.

Yes.

True immortality.

And suddenly, you look different to me, Charles.

And I you.

You see, I've removed the last two lines of the ritual.

And if the ritual isn't completed, the person performing it turns into stone.

You wanted immortality.

You got it.

I was exhausted.

And I'd forgotten about my two legmen who'd been out of town following up on a

divorce case.

I owed them a small fortune. And if I paid them out of what battle had given

I'd be back to square one without a cent.

So I decided to let them take it out and trade, which we'd done before.

Sometimes, it's almost as if they prefer it to getting paid.

Thank you.

been the strangest case I'd ever been involved in, and I had a feeling that it

wouldn't be the last.

As for the guys, they always proved to be very versatile, and tonight was no

exception.