All language subtitles for Frauds.S01E02.720p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta[EZTVx.to]

Fancy seeing you here.
What are the chances?

What have the doctors said?
Cancer. Months, not years.

I wanna do one last
job with you before I die.

From Bert? We keep her at a distance.

If your daughter rocks up,
what are you gonna offer her?

Half a dozen eggs or the
chance to be set for life?

You'll be clearing seven figures.

You gonna do it? As
long as I call the shots.

We are gonna steal the
face of the great masturbator.

'Symphony no. 9' by Beethoven.

Que La Paz sea contigo.
Que La Paz sea contigo.

Que La Paz sea contigo.

Que La Paz sea contigo.

Que La Paz sea contigo.
Que La Paz sea contigo.

Que La Paz sea contigo.

El cuerpo de cristo.

El cuerpo de cristo. Amen.

El cuerpo de cristo.

El cuerpo de cristo.

You ok?

Is she sniffing his bollocks?

That's the thing about great art.

You see something different
every time you look at it.

What's it about, then?

So, dali was obsessed with
this Russian woman, gala,

who he would eventually marry,
but at the time this was painted,

she was married to the poet Paul eluard.

Now, eluard jibs off
back to Paris on his own -

some would say a foolhardy decision
on the account of the high chance

that dali was gonna knob
his missus if left unattended.

Anyway, he did, and in the
process, this was painted.

There's all this guff about his
contradictory feelings towards sex,

but I think he saw a woman
having a wank and thought,

"oi, oi, where's my paintbrush?"

Wow. You really have learned
all there is to know about art.

So, up your jumper and down the stairs?

Well, we'll come to that.

First of all - my stroke of genius.

We're gonna execute a swap.

We're gonna get that off the wall

and replace it with a
copy that's so perfect,

not even the greatest art
experts would know it was a fake.

Go on.

I've made contact with
the world's greatest forger.

And how does one qualify
as the world's greatest forger?

If I could name all of his forgeries,

he wouldn't be a very
good forger, would he?

Reputedly a boy genius.

The beauty of all of this
is if we can pull this off,

no-one need know that a
crime was even committed.

How do we get it out?

The finer details are so tedious.

That's why I need you to help me.

Four cameras in each room.
Minimum of two security guards.

The masturbator has a
camera trained on it 24/7.

Post-modern. Dali would love that.

She also sits next door to the guernica,

Spain's most famous painting.

So, scrutiny in this part
of the gallery is rather high.

Obviously, we do it all
after hours. No punters.

We'll have to swap the security feed

so no-one can see us
going about our business.

To do that, we'll need
a foolproof distraction.

What, like give them the old one-two?

It's 2025 - I'm not sure that still works.

Come on. Tits is tits.

All right, so we employ a
little more sophistication.

Anyone in mind?

Miss take.

Look, she can pull the attention of
the guards while we swap the feed.

Bert, I know you're sick and
you think this is a good idea...

but we need someone we can
trust, and she doesn't trust us.

Therefore, we can't trust her.

I think she would use this to
get back at us for leaving her.

She's got a very long memory.
I'm sorry - no miss take.

Ok, no miss take. But we still
need to put a team together.

We bring people in, we lose control.

Or we don't bring
people in and we fuck up.

No, we need a team. And we
need them in close proximity.

We need to do this right.

I told you, I need to make the decisions.

I want this whole thing on a tight lead.

No, you want me on a tight lead.

Yeah, with a muzzle on
it. Which would be nice.

The fake - go on.

So, we break in at night,

and then we go up to
the gallery with the fake.

And we wait for our
perfect moment. What?

Sneak past all the guards
in our invisibility cloaks

well, I know a woman
who can help with that.

Jackie diamond?

So, Jackie helps us get in undetected?

Yeah. She'll disable the lasers
and help get the painting off the wall.

The alarm is triggered
by a change of weight.

So it needs to be deactivated?
Or we counterbalance the painting.

That's much trickier.

Which is why we
need Jackie's expertise.

She's been doing
these tricks for 30 years.

And then if we can pull that off,

we take the real painting to the gift shop,

marked for collection.

Hola. La collection?

'The next day, they unwittingly
hand over the real masturbator.'

And we just walk out of here? Yep.

With a ten-million-euro
painting under our arm

that no-one even knows has been stolen.

It's gonna be a lot of work.

We're gonna need a plan a,
and, if we've learnt anything,

we need a plan b and a plan c.

Yeah, and just in case - plan d.

What? You're off your rocker.

Yeah, but you love it, though, don't you?

What's not to love?

If we bring anyone in,
they're gonna need paying.

Have you got any funds?

I had a matador costume
that was worth 200 grand,

but someone decided to return it.

And the forger needs
paying before he starts work,

so got any bright ideas how
we can make some quick money?

Do you know anyone else?

He was it, and he was a long shot.
You haven't got any other contacts?

No, I told you, I don't know anyone.
That's not how I live any more.

I'm just struggling to believe

that you woke up every
day for the last ten years

with infinite possibilities
stretched out in front of you,

and you thought, "what am I
gonna do with all my lovely time"

"and all my lovely freedom?"

"I know, I'm gonna go and feed the pigs."

Before I went inside, you
were hell-bent on finding Caitlin.

Don't. What?

Say her name.

Well, did you get anywhere? No.

Sorry. Don't be.

How hard can it be to
track her down, though?

What is this, Bert? Mastermind?

Specialist subject, the daughter
I gave up for adoption at birth?

If it is your specialist subject,
you're not very good at it.

It wasn't a legal adoption,
it was through the church.

You know that. Yeah, I know.

I've contacted them, but
there's no way of finding her,

because there's no record.

So I've left letters, so if
she wanted to find me,

she would know how, but
it has to be her decision.

So do a DNA test.

Cos then if you're in the
system and she does one,

you get a notification - boom.

Put my fingerprint into a database?

More chance of the police turning
up at my door than my daughter.

Well, what if she does rock up?

What's she gonna think
about you living like goat Peter

on the side of a mountain?

Maybe I could help you.
No. Under no circumstances.

Ok.

What about miss take?

It's a no for the job, but she
can sell the jewellery for us.

No! Bert, I know she means a lot to you,

but there's a reason why we left her.

She played mummy when it
suited her, but she's a user. Fine!

What? I've just said I'm
not going, so I'm not going.

Still got to sell those, though.
And we're agreed on Jackie, right?

Ok. Let's get her on the hook.

Always said your vagina
could light up a room.

I got your letter.

Whatever you're
planning, I'm not interested.

How much? Fuck-off money.

Well, that depends on how
much value one puts on fucking off.

Everyone's got a price. What's yours?

That's not how it works.

You come to me with a
price if you want my services,

and then we talk.

We need to run the numbers.

Well, maybe get your ducks in a
row before you make an approach.

That's not a no. But this is - no.

Why?

I'm settled. I'm happy.

And it's too risky. It
always is with you two.

And ten years without a
peep from either of you

has been very peaceful - thank you.

You'd be behind the scenes.

If anything happens, it
won't come back on you.

Ok. It's good seeing you. Stay lucky.

500,000.

It's a ballpark figure,

but I guess we'll have to get
some other magician to build our rig.

Bullshit.

It's still a no!

What do you think our
chances are? She'll buckle.

I saw the euro signs in her eyes.

Why didn't you tell her you have cancer?

I mean, it might have
helped. Act mercenary? No.

I don't want everyone to know.
Well, people are gonna find out.

I'm feeling stronger now
I'm out. It's easier to manage.

Tiredness comes and goes, and...

If it comes, then I'll
just make myself scarce.

It doesn't make you
look weak, admitting to it.

I think we both know that it does.

Look, I'll make you a deal.

If it gets too much, I'll let you know,

but for now, let me just
live each day as it comes.

Crown jewels. Forger's landed.

First, we've got an
appointment. With who?

The buyer.

Hello.

Sorry.

Ooh! My knockers. Calm my nerves.

Sorry.

Got it.

Yeah, I don't know, I just feel like...

I feel like I've noticed a difference.

I'm having 150g of protein a day.

I set an alarm, 3am - have two
chops on a plate on my night stand.

My muscle gains have
been... Off the hook.

I thought you were
here to watch and learn?

I am! I am watching... I am watching...

"Watch" being the operative word.

Look who's at the front of the queue.

You're joking, aren't you?

'Deegs?' you'll never guess
who's legged it to Spain.

'Go on.'

Bilal, that gambler who
owes us a hundred grand.

Little bastard.

Where's he gone? Fuck knows.

You are here to meet Celine? Yeah.

This can't be right. Who is this buyer?

She's a feminist art collector

willing to spend millions
on a private collection.

Apparently, she collects pieces

where the muse has
been exploited by the artist.

This place is hardly
screaming "high art", is it?

Gracias. Gracias.

Where the fuck are we, Bert?

Do your kids like parrots?

Please, sit.

That's designer. It's not
meant for arse-parking.

Ok...

So... why you?

Why don't I just wait for
Isabella to leave prison?

Isabella's got years to serve.

I can get you that
painting six weeks, tops.

And Isabella wants 15 million. I want ten.

Yeah, but I don't know you.

I certainly don't know
you. She's my partner.

I trust her, and it's me
that's taking all the risk.

We have a plan, and no-one will
even know there's been a crime.

But for that, we need to
know that the job is ours.

Ten million's a lot of money.

Stealing a painting's
a lot of work. And risk.

But if we don't have you
the painting in six weeks,

you can go back to Isabella.

But this way, you have no risk,

little outlay and the painting
you've always wanted

for two-thirds of the price
you were willing to pay.

And if you were in any
doubt of our capabilities...

You nicked the crown of thorns?

Yeah, right from under everyone's noses.

It's a little gift,

just to show you everything
you've heard about me is true.

Yeah, well done.

Now every man and his dog
from here to tarifa's looking for it.

Not if it just sits in your private collection.

What, this thing?

Look at it. It's an eyesore.

Well, the gold itself is worth
a small fortune... hang on.

Let me get my smelting kit out.

Turn it into sovereign rings, shall I?

Boys down the market will be happy.

Ok, we'll get rid of it. No.

Let's see how you
work under instruction...

and real pressure.

Then I'll decide if the job
is yours. You put it back.

Today.

The cathedral isn't open to the public.

Exactly.

It's a perfect little spot

for you two to show me
what you're capable of

before I agree to you being my supplier.

Ok? Off you pop.

I want it back there by six. Raphael?

Introduce them to nacho.

Sharpen the mind.

You made out like it was a done deal.

It wasn't, and now we're on the
back foot, singing for our supper.

We'll return it, it's fine.

She knows who we are,
I've pitched her for months.

She's just testing us.

Yeah, can I touch on the fact

that you stole a relic without telling me?

And for what? To show off to
some woman you don't even know!

I stole a relic to remind you
how good I am at this shit.

To prove myself to you!

Oi!

Do you like my new hat?

Fuck's sake.

We're gonna need
more than your shit hat.

It's a good job I kept some of our stuff.

Did you?

It's the forger. Shall we
go and welcome the talent?

Well, we'd better be quick.

Cos if that lunatic says it needs
to be put back today, it's today.

I'm not getting strapped to a chair.

Right, I'm gonna hold that,
and then you've got to breathe in.

Four, three, four, hold.

You have such a pretty nose.

That's it, do it one more time. Right, ok.

Last one. Now you breathe in...

There's more to this than
looking pretty, you know.

You need to treat the
equipment with respect.

Put everything away
at the end of each show.

Check the safety on each
trick before each show.

Isn't that what you're here for?

He does this, you know. Gets infatuated.

Then he'll start to pick holes in you.

And you'll start to feel like
you're not good enough.

But by then, he'll have moved on.

The only person who won't
be moving on is you, Jackie.

Because you're the kind of person
that lets people pick holes in you.

This is just a stepping stone for me.

Don't talk to me like
that, you little madam.

You're still gonna be
stuck here in 20 years' time,

looking like a two-pound
sausage in a one-pound skin.

You don't know anything
about me. Don't I?

Well... I know when I've touched a nerve.

Oi, oi, bili-boy! Welcome to espana.

Pleased to meet you, Bilal. I'm Sam.

Hiya... It's boiling here, in't it? Cheers...

I'm sweating cobs. Er...

So, when do I get my money?

Yeah, shall we show you
around first before we talk Turkey?

All right for you?

Got all your stuff, and your...

beans.

I go through a four-pack
a day, so... yeah, sure.

Well, we'll get you
some more. And Wi-Fi?

Need to ring my mum.

Let her know I've got here
ok, she'll be... worrying.

So... Money.

Yeah.

There you go.

Well, this in't what we agreed.
I need a hundred, I've got bills.

10k doesn't cover your bills?

We agreed a hundred.

And I never start painting
until I've got all my money.

Can you sort my wimple?
Thought you'd never ask.

Shit. Celine.

Er... But we're here to meet the...

We... we could, er...

Of course.

Hiya, mum! Take a look at this place.

'Lovely!

'I've got some of your
school friends here.

'Prak and Gary.' Wait, wh...?

'All right, Bilal, mush.'
'Lovely gaff, that. Where is it?'

Spain, somewhere. I don't know.

What are you two doing there?
'We could ask you the same thing.

'Jibbing off to Spain without inviting us!'

mum... you don't have to
make these two cups of tea.

Why don't you go for
a walk or something?

'You can't send your
mum out in t'freezing cold

'while you're sunning it up over there.'

'hey, look at the workmanship on that.'

'give that here. It's from dunelm.'

'I've just thought - you
know who's over near you?'

'tell him.' 'Deegs. You'll have to meet up.'

he... He don't want bothering with me.

'I reckon he does. That hundred
grand you owe will go a long way.

'He's there to invest in
a gym in the main Plaza.

'I'll text you the address. Make
sure you see him tomorrow.'

aye, smashing.

'See you!' 'Ta-ra, Bilal.'

Hablas ingles? Yes, no problem.

We're visiting, and we'd love to pray.

Of course. Please, sister,
do you prefer a lady chapel?

She does. Don't you, sister?

Yes. In fact, she has a
lovely lady chapel herself.

There are always people in and out of it.

Ok. Follow me, please.

What is it about the virgin Mary?

Mother of Christ. Adored
by millions, prayed to daily.

No, the fact that it's so
sacrosanct to be a mother.

I mean, any fool can knock out a sprog.

I didn't mean you.

Caitlin would be lucky to have you.

Is there anyone you would
like me to hold in my prayers?

Yes, there is a family friend.

She's dying. I'm sorry.

She's worried, and I don't know
what to say to make it better.

Our job is not to make it
better. Our job is just to be there.

I find small kindnesses help.

She's being cared for by her best friend.

But I do worry about the
burden that that places on her.

Her friend... at the end.

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the
fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, mother of
god, pray for us sinners now

and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Please, excuse me.

Sister, she gets very emotional.

Father? Yeah?

Would you hear my confession?

Bless me, father, for I have sinned.

But I have been having
very, very bad thoughts.

I've had thoughts about putting things...

the wet, wet dreams, father.

Your penance is ten hail Marys and...

Mary... Mary be... Glory... the glory.

Hail Mary. Bless you, father.

'Madam butterfly' by giacomo puccini.

You ok? Yeah. Yeah.

One and done, then?
Yep, but what a one.

Bonjour. Not a cop, then?

Not a nun, then?

Miguel tells me you handled
yourselves with panache.

So, do we get the job, then?

I'm only as good as my
last job, and if I give it to you,

you're in charge of my reputation.

So am I gonna stick my
neck out and say yes?

Ok. You've got the job.

Now, don't fuck this up.

What time is it? Eleven.

What? No, no. I wanted
you to get some rest.

Here.

Ta.

What are your wishes, Bert?

We need to talk about it.

Well, I'll tell you what I
don't want - a wicker coffin.

May as well put me in a waste paper bin.

Ok. I want a silk-lined coffin
in the heaviest mahogany,

because I want the pallbearers
to buckle at the knees.

Of which you will be one, at
the front, first on the call sheet,

wailing and gnashing your teeth.

I'm not dead yet.

Yeah.

Come on. Jackie.

No, no. I'll have another run at her.

You put your feet up.

I'm also working on a
solution for our money problem.

I've found someone who
can break down the jewellery

and sell it separately
as gold and diamonds.

So we can get all the
money we owe Bilal.

Now, get some rest.

Don't move.

If you're a good girl, daddy won't shoot.

Well, what will daddy do?

No. You don't get to cuff me any more.

Is it cos of your wanker husband?
You're worth so much more than him.

Yeah. You're right.

I'm worth 500,000 Euros.

And while you're mulling
it, I want 10% up front.

How's that for a start? Worth
more than 10%, I reckon.

Well... I can't eat it.

But, er...

I'll flog it if I have to.

Where do I sign?

Whoo!

Deegs.

Look who it is, as I live
and breathe. Harder.

It's not 100 grand, but I'll
get you the rest tomorrow.

And in the meantime...

Look. Take this, it's
worth a bomb. I painted it.

Big fat naked baby with
wings? You taking t'piss?

Stop fannying about
painting and get me my cash.

That's why I'm here, in
Spain. I'm a painter, right?

And these people, they're
paying me enough to pay you back.

Who's paying you
enough? Some art people.

Would you tell prak to
leave my mum alone?

No-one touches mummy
if we get our money.

Who asked you?

I'll get you the money.
Good. Cos if you don't...

I'll break your bastard fingers.

How are you fixed for
painting with your feet?

Go on, piss off.

Well, you've just made
a dying girl very happy.

Can you give me a lift somewhere?

Get us a pint.

So... how are you, Roberta?

Good, yeah. Considering.

How are you? You look well.

"Fabulous" is the word
I think you're looking for.

Missed you.

Must've been hard in prison.

And now you're sick.

Cancer? Yeah.

Started off as a tumour
on my liver, and now it's...

Go on.

Sorry, are you a doctor now?

Roberta! Are you mad with mother?

Shouldn't mother be mad with you?

Why? Cos I went off to live my life?

I took you in when
no-one else wanted to.

Yeah, so selfless Mother
Teresa's got fuck-all on you.

Shall we stop reminiscing now?

You wanted to talk to
me about something.

You mentioned in your letter.

But maybe we save the
adult chat for another time.

Just wanna know if you can shift these.

Sorry you're still having to
make ends meet like this.

I've moved on. But I
wish you well, though.

Wish me well, do you? You fucking bitch.

Bert! Mateo.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, so am I.

That you're stuck with her.

What happened?

I was about to offer her
the opportunity of a lifetime,

but she never changes, so...

Bert.

I won't be here tonight.

Why? Where you going?

I'm leaving, Craig. Leaving?

Leaving me?

Yes.

You can't leave me, Jackie.

I can.

What about the show?
Well, the show must go on.

Get komet to help.
What's she gonna do?

Everything I do...

I do for us... for you.

And this is how you repay me?

Hello?

Bilal?

Hello?

Fuck, yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo!

The diamonds alone
are worth thousands.

Just say you'll take a look.

Thanks.

Bert?

Boo.

You scared me.

I've been thinking about something.

Have you? You said
you'd help me find Caitlin.

Yeah, well... if you think
it's a good idea, I could.

Where would you start, though?

What do you mean?

I mean, where would you, Bert,
go to find out where my daughter is?

I don't know.

You don't know where you'd
begin the process of finding her?

Writing to her to establish a relationship?

You don't know how you would do that?

I found the letters.

I asked if you wanted my help
to find her, and you said no.

But you'd already found
her, you fucking psycho!

'These boots are made for
walking' by Nancy Sinatra.

Agh, fuck!

If you kill me, she'll hate you.

Take me to her, now.

Did you get my money?

What?

Agh! Fuck!

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