Original subtitles

But. You're OK, Alex.

I was any better at being bearable when we got Stanley three dimensional magic.

Jamie liked Maestro.

Yup. And it,

Ruthie.

She volunteered.

Yeah, well, she's a volunteering kind of girl.

OK, Pam, the project of.

And. About 20 degrees off axis, and there she goes.

Well, I guess we're not ready to thrill the audience with Ruth

Jernigan in holographic, glorious 3-D.

Stan, go in there and look nice for me.

Can I ask for stand?

It's windy, it's cold.

Windy,

big storm lightning.

Good thinking on an actor stand.

All right, that's enough, thanks.

Around the corner on a right, you'll see our own House of Magic,

where our directors truly make the impossible come true.

The special effects building, you just might pop in there

later on and continue this tour all the way to Mars

and coming out over there right on cue for us,

ladies and gentlemen, that Bell bears the master of special effects.

That's the young man who's made more super hits

than any director in Hollywood history, Alex Brady.

And here he comes, riding on his little cart.

We go around the corner and come to our western town,

and usually it's more like Sydney Western towns all rolled into one.

The reason we bring all the streets together here is because.

Alex?

Let me.

Lenny, you come to town, you don't call, you don't let me know.

How are you? Oh,

wait a minute.

You did call about two days ago, my secretary

said you were on the phone, I picked it up and you weren't there.

What are you playing tricks?

I just want to see if you'd be here.

I guess was a little nervous.

What are you nervous about?

Let me look at you. You look great.

Look off of you.

So what are you doing in town?

Are you still living in Albany?

Oh, yes, still, Albany.

Still, we're going to Manchester.

Boy, you know, I figured you'd have an office like this office.

This isn't my office, this is just a little goof off place, you know?

Yeah. And Alex. Smart,

smart election stuff.

Well, just one of the fellas,

three of us goofing around Willie,

you and me.

Very good.

What are you doing in town?

How long are you going to be here for?

Oh, just do

my job for the day in this morning, Anthony.

Quick trip. Oh yeah.

Took fifth studio to

sort of jump ship when I saw you.

Can I see

nothing, just some special effects?

Come on.

Look at that.

Yeah, poor,

but he's dead.

But he can't. How?

Last week, hepatitis

I'd see him once in a while

and we were a herd like mansion.

first, my sister Jenny, then

and buddy Jenny was a long time ago and so on.

A year behind us in school, right?

Right after you had your good luck with Mr.

Maresca, he gave you your first job.

Typekit

will drink a soda to Buddy.

What was his favorite chocolate?

Chocolate chip, right?

I gotcha.

Can we drink to Jenny, too?

Sure, sure.

Ice cream sodas all around.

I do remember how we were helping you

with that little amateur film of yours.

Finish it up.

I was working at a market that Sunday,

keeping up the payments on my motorcycle.

You want, you want a janitor, ride it in the picture.

And she was scared of it.

I said, no way. We dropped the whole thing.

And you and buddy

and your second cameraman

remember how you got them hooked on film there for a while?

Yeah, but he should have stayed with it.

There's you and buddy

and you're waiting for it to show up at the location.

But she never got there.

That accident went to single.

She's beaten to death until somebody

finds her too late for the paramedics.

She dies in Hamilton.

Come on. Come on, money.

Don't lacerate yourself.

Less right.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I not just the right word

to buddy.

To Jenny.

And you know that stay with Buddy.

He gave me a package.

He asked me not to look at it

until he was no longer with us.

And it was a man

was a little realized, 16 millimeter film,

you know, like you used to use.

I haven't made a bigger.

Into 35 millimeter

going, you use now.

So. We see it on this thing.

Sure. I.

She got there right now.

Yeah, she she

she got to you and him by the end of your film.

It was no accident along the way, your stunt went out of control.

She was bleeding to death and you left her.

You just left her there, you didn't try to help.

You ran away and you left her today.

Alex, was that

because of Mr Maresca, because you were afraid your wonderful new

good luck would run out if he ever found out what she did to her?

Tell you a joke to him and Alex.

And I couldn't

tell anyone that I could face you.

Maybe, and I'm glad that you're such a terrific success,

and I am, I'm glad

you got everything you got because I'm going to turn it all into garbage,

you bastard, Alex.

I ran that picture

and every scandal sheet and every newspaper.

OK, I'll see it.

I'll see that film on every, on every TV

news show until you choke on into.

Is it true, Lenny,

the cops and the prosecutors

until you climb into your grave?

Why should someone what are your new fancy sports cars, Alex?

That's what I came here to tell you, man, it isn't

real.

Yeah, I I don't know what Buddy was doing.

When did he start playing tricks with film?

What is a fake, a phony look?

It's it's all tricked out.

What was he jealous?

What was he crazy?

Because I made a life and he didn't.

Look at it.

Look, look, you see.

Look, you can see it's.

You can see the matte line. It's not even real here.

It's it's it's not even one piece of film any technician could read that.

Look at the generational grain.

I don't see anything.

I show it to you. Give me the film.

No, no, no, no, no. Hey, Lenny.

Hey, Lenny.

Lenny, for God's sake, we were friends.

What is Buddy trying to do was

sit next

to you.

Do you really think I could have done this to Jenny?

All right.

I'll tell you what.

Give me a few hours.

You wait here for me.

I got to go get some other equipment together, other experts,

and then I'll show you it's a fake, and then you'll understand

whatever there is to understand about your body.

I just.

Just just give me a few hours.

Alex, I'm keeping the film.

Fine, fine, fine.

And I got a plane at eleven, OK?

I got to be in the store tomorrow.

I will put you on that plane myself, I promise, and you'll give me a hug.

Goodbye.

In the meantime, just make yourself comfortable.

Everything you need is here.

Hey, Lenny, Honey, Lenny, trust me.

Hello, Rose, you're fired.

Excuse me, I like I said it's time to go home, rose.

Thanks for a great day.

Say it again.

Why I like to hear it

is to Moscow.

Called you twice. He's anxious to talk with you.

Tell him tomorrow. I haven't got time now.

What's this calling him?

Oh, he's that nice production manager used to work with,

he called him the professor.

I said, You'd call him back.

Rose, couldn't you have told him something else?

Should I have told him he's too old, Alex?

And give me a break,

Alex.

Ruth Jernigan is waiting for you.

Not long.

Ten minutes.

And Phil Cross is here.

I feel.

I won't keep you a minute, Mr. Brady.

That will Javadi trivia the day everything worked out.

All right. Yeah. So that was a performance, OK?

The performance was very good.

We get the next picture wrong, and I'll show you my appreciation.

Well, you know, there is no part that's too small.

I mean, anything I can do to help you out, maestro.

Okay,

thank you.

Good name.

Can I?

I've been posing here for you.

You want to try for laughs.

Try would kick with your upstage, but.

How's that for laughs?

I could use a lot of that, he used to use a lot of that

before I went to work as your leading lady.

And while you were working, I seem to have heard something.

You went and got yourself a new boyfriend,

just a couple of playful actors.

And right on my very own picture.

Maybe the movie was our trouble here.

Doctor director.

I seem to have slipped your mind, just your actress

while you made your very own picture.

Can I confess,

Alex, even murders are allowed to confess?

I've got to do something about you and me now. Now

I've got other things to think about.

Well, slip me in when you can

exit pursued by a bear.

Shakespeare wrote that.

Debbie, this is Alex Brady.

I need a wet down on Brownstone.

In about an hour.

I'm not running a debate here, David,

just find your man and do it.

Thanks for waiting.

What was I going to do?

Go dancing.

You got the film.

Good.

Come on, they're waiting for us.

We just got one stop to make.

I don't believe this, Alex.

I know.

You will.

Brownstone Street.

What for?

Why did you bring me here to see the street?

This is where we make movies.

Shadows on the handy dandy screen,

this is where we take you with illusion.

This is where we blow your reality, Lenny.

This is where I kill you, Lenny.

Hey, come on, come on.

We could never hurt each other, you and me.

The film,

it's the truth, isn't it?

How do you know about.

one shadow,

one substance.

They teach you about that in the storm and

you're crazy.

A run, Lenin escape escape.

You know, and

that film, you hurt me, old friend,

you hurt an old friend,

and that hurts me

right here.

It's all in, I don't

you know that I'm acting for you.

Here we go.

Pollution all the way

into the maelstrom,

into the valley of death row in the 600

phosphate

valley.

No gallons 600.

The only part that's real,

it was the real illusion when you for me.

Which one of us is going to die?

Everything OK, Alex, everything's big.

Good night, Scotty.

Good night, sir. And.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, I guess

one of us must be in the wrong place or Adobe me, Mr.

Brady. I certainly know who you are.

I'm sorry, but in this whole story of this whole wonderful place,

this was the treasure that caught my eye.

This certainly is a beauty.

I'm with the police are

Tennant Columbo

homicide.

Miss Walker, your secretary, said she told me to wait here

while she tried to find.

How did you know?

You know what?

You are the answer to a filmmaker's prayers

in my business, the film business, we're always working

with the same people over and over, and we never,

hardly ever break out of our own self-centered little circle.

But to meet somebody wonderfully new and authentic, Plummer,

a real chemist or praise God, a homicide lieutenant.

You know, it's funny.

I've been thinking about making a detective movie.

You know,

I would like to take this straw.

And stick it in your ear and extract everything you've ever thought

or felt or seen or even dreamed about your profession.

And I bless whatever it is that brought you here to me.

Oh yeah. Sit down. Please sit down.

I'm interested to hear anything you want to tell me.

Well, Mr.

Brady, that is is fine and greeting as I've ever received.

Mostly when a policeman shows up people right away, they get, oh,

guarded and pushy.

But you sure you certainly made me feel very warm and welcome,

but I came to see you about.

That's about it.

Unidentified body each

what they call a John Doe.

Do you mind if I stay in

that hole? Let me help you.

Why don't we try it over here?

So what's with this John Doe at the beach?

Identity unknown, sir.

An unidentified body found at the beach early this morning.

Let's try this for comfort, lieutenant.

Try stretching out on it.

It's a it's a waterbed.

You know, I've never tried to reach my wife.

That's Mrs. Columbo.

She tried to get me interested.

Wow. How do you like it?

We can tell you the truth, sir.

It feels always with me

makes me wonder what Mrs Columbo had in mind.

I know how strange it is, sir.

My coming to you about this John Doe.

But if you'll just bear with me.

You see the victim's face, Mr.

Brady.

I hate to say it right out like this.

But he had no face like you were struck by a heavy blow,

like a hammer and his death by electrocution.

Sir, I'd say about your age electrocuted by a very high voltage

or blew out his whole nervous system

lightly. Well, I'm afraid not, sir.

You see the way the boys they say rain, but no lightning

high tension lines at the beach.

Oh, that certainly would help explain it, sir.

But no electricity near the body, no electricity at all.

This is a really very interesting bed, and

I certainly enjoyed the experience

and we can't even get any fingerprints.

Angel all burned like it was grabbing onto something when it happened

and his pockets empty or turned out and empty, sir.

So you see, we got a very real problem here.

How to identify him, sir, how to give him a name and a life,

then maybe we could deal with how he died.

Which brings me to you, sir.

And this.

Films of Alex Brady,

we found near the body up on the road.

Maybe somebody dropped it, or maybe it fell from the victim's pocket,

like if somebody was carrying the body from a car,

or maybe it had nothing whatsoever to do with the murder.

So you think it was murder?

Well, I suspect it was something like murder.

It would have been a very strange electrocution

if the victim got up and turned his pockets out

and took herself to the beach and hit herself in the face.

If you get my drift, sir, I get your drift within it.

But what I what I don't understand is how I can help you.

I mean, there must be thousands of copies of that book all over the world.

I even have one myself.

Think.

Well, it's not just the book, Mr.

Brady, it's what's inside this book.

Inside the cupboard.

Up over by the like, we've.

A damp from the rain, but you can still read it

written in pencil.

It's the telephone number of the studio with the area code.

Do you see that? Yes, I see.

And written under the studio number, the telephone number of your office,

Mr Brady, your direct dial number if somebody wants to reach you

without going through the switchboard.

Do you see?

It's like somebody had found out your number,

then written it here so that they could call you.

Yeah, that's that's clear enough, lieutenant, did somebody call you?

You mean somebody without a face electrocuted whose name?

We don't know.

But now that you put it that way, it's not much of a question, is it?

But we wouldn't be doing our jobs if we didn't check out every little detail.

Any kind of strange call at all, sir.

Maybe somebody who didn't even know.

Yes. Yes.

Lots of calls from the unknown.

Books like that are mostly published for amateurs, lieutenant,

film buffs, dreamers, people living their lives through some filmmaker

they think they understand or who might even understand them.

Some of them have a crazy idea for a movie.

Others have even scratched down a script, but most of them are just

enthusiastically fantasizing. And they call.

Where did I begin?

How did I get started?

How can they get started?

Tell me the secret. Show me the way.

And they're sweet or desperate or sad, and they do call me.

Everybody else in our line of work.

I'm sorry, lieutenant.

I guess I'm just no help. No help at all.

Well, sir, I can't say I'm surprised and I'll be running along.

Good day, ma'am.

You can almost reach out and touch her.

Would you like to?

That's holographic film guaranteed three dimensional.

But it's just a piece of films.

Oh, Lieutenant,

we can say that about everything we do around here, just a piece of film.

It is the film real?

Well, the film is real, but the pictures that are on the images

are they any less right now, Mr Brady, you're going to run circles around me.

If we go on like this, I'm afraid I've taken up enough of your time.

So I'm just going to say thank you very, very much

and I won't be troubling you again.

No trouble at all, lieutenant.

No trouble at all.

Take care.

Excuse me, sir.

Just one more me.

Where you serious about making a detective movie

based on a character like me, are you going to help me, lieutenant?

Well, that's the problem.

And don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled,

but I got to be honest with you, sir.

The kind of work that I do.

I don't think it's as interesting as you think it is.

It's just not exciting, Mr. Brady.

It's not like in the movies.

I mean, the things that I work with, I don't think that they would be

interesting to an audience.

But if I'm wrong, you correct me.

But for instance,

take these ice cream

soda glasses if I am on a homicide case.

Forgive me and I had to work with these glasses.

Well, then I have to find these two glasses interesting.

Maybe also for your movie, you know I'm already interested, lieutenant.

Well, then I'd have to say that.

You used all this recently

to ice cream, soda glasses, straws, balloons.

I say chocolate, sheer

chocolate sirup and vanilla ice cream.

But we used to call a black and white and a way to cream as hard and along

the rim, I'd say maybe two smaller, but you wouldn't use ice cream in the morning,

so I'd say maybe sometime yesterday.

So if I was going to try to make it

even more interesting for you, sir.

I'd have to say the two of you were enjoying to black and white

ice cream sodas, but not really enjoying them

because one is hardly touched in the other one is only half finished.

So you might have been interrupted

or maybe get to be very busy together.

Or maybe something upset the boat

and you just left me.

As to who that other person might have been.

I'd say it's probably a man.

No lipstick marks.

And as for the rest, Mr.

Brady, well, we'd have to go to the fingerprints,

but I don't think we have to go that far.

Sir, I told you, you're going to be disappointed, disappointed.

Are you kidding, lieutenant?

That's that's not only interesting.

That is fascinating, Lieutenant.

Well, I think you're just being kind, but I really have to run now, sir.

I'll try not to keep you, lieutenant.

Take care now. And.

Was I right, sir, about the soda glasses?

Close enough, Lieutenant, uh.

And it. But.

There.

Ma'am.

I'm standing here with a printout in my hand,

I got charges in black and white.

Ma'am.

No chance, Cecil.

He wouldn't order it without telling me.

He should have told me before he ordered it, but he would have told me after.

I said if he didn't tell me before.

Well, if you have to put something in your computer,

I can't think of a better place to insert it.

Are you an inspector?

No, ma'am, just hooked on it, they don't have inspectors anymore.

I wanted to thank Mr Brady and I.

We did find each other in this secret hang up.

You mean the boys club, the boys club for one boy,

if you were an inspector, you could help me inspect this desk.

I'm looking for a ten ton

water truck on his desk and I know you're something they claim.

He ordered a water truck to wet down the Brownstone Street last night,

and now they're wacko computer is charging our

whacko computer and that is some wacko system.

Why would he order a water truck?

We don't even shoot for another six months.

I'm sure I would know, man, he's very young, Mr.

Brady and the whole damn business is very young inspector.

I looked at it, man, when I was a young policeman.

The inspectors.

Is this a weather report?

Help yourself, did makers live and die by the weather?

I will try to check to see if I'm really going to need my raincoat.

You know, as I was saying them

when I was a young policeman being inspected, they all seem very old.

When I was a young secretary, all the great directors and producers

seemed very old.

Now that I'm an old secretary, they got very young film children.

They know every for the film, every shot.

But they think the most important date in the history of the world

is their own birthday.

Is there anything more I can do for you?

Well, I was just wondering, ma'am,

all those friends and Mr.

Brady, those people who read his books on film and wall

when they call for him here.

You keep a list of those phone call.

No, it's just the business and personal ones.

If we did, we need another computer instead of a clipboard.

Right?

Well, that would have been some job looking through all those names

as my talking

about, I wouldn't even know what name I was looking for.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Walker.

Goodbye, Inspector

Lieutenant Matt.

You're like an agent you read upside down.

What are you finding on my desk?

Secrets, Mr.

Roscoe, just the secrets you keep from me.

Got a problem, boy.

The board

is all over me

about a hit for Easter, and they want your picture.

Easter, not summer hockey.

No chance, Mr. Roscoe.

I can't do it that fast.

It's not the board.

It's asking Alex. It's me.

Not exactly strangers, Alex.

I hope we respect each other.

I mean, maybe more than respect.

So can we have him?

Can I have it by Easter?

When do they have to know?

I have to know today I got a board meeting.

Just tell them I'm obstinate.

Wake up like all Rosy says that way.

They can't do anything.

Just just say, say you can't do anything with me that way.

We're both covered. Blame me.

What are they going to do to you?

They can't lay a glove on you.

This is for you.

And a generous young man, Alex.

Look, I got to get back to work, Mr Moscow.

Hey, you know how to handle them, boss, you always did.

I don't

think continuing including.

You know, his his belt lieutenant.

Oh, oh yeah, he's

just an ordinary belt.

Yes or no?

Ordinary.

When do I get to open my eyes,

when I see so?

Who was that man in your office last night?

What, man?

Oh, that guy's is Phil.

Yeah, who is he?

He's just a friend of mine.

I think I've seen him before. It could be.

He's an actor's bit player, you might have seen him around a lot.

No, I don't mean like that. I think I've seen him someplace real.

What comes after Saturday?

Sunday, OK, you can open your eyes.

Oh, wow.

Oh, Ruthie.

So you ever going to find true love, Andy Hardy?

I thought I finally did.

Oh. No fair.

So tell me about your actor,

your actor

and your movie.

And I was drowning and I was scared to death.

King, for you and I was wagging all over the place, you know, help me hold me,

kiss me, save me.

But you were too busy counting your

sprocket holes.

The picture hadn't even started yet when I met Brian.

I met him by accident.

My leading man to be and then.

We had a punishing love affair

who got punished.

It supposed to be here.

It worked out, it was me.

So you miss me.

I mean, on balance.

Yes. How much?

How much do you?

Despite your eyelash.

Right back.

It's been a splendid day, sir.

It's been a terrific day.

Very good news.

I thought you might be interested in sharing it with me.

Lieutenant Columbo, Come on,

lieutenant.

This is my friend Ruth Jernigan, Ruth Jernigan, Lieutenant Columbo.

I've been hearing about you, Lieutenant.

Well, I've certainly heard a lot about your miss and again, about your movies.

It's a very great pleasure.

I hope I'm not intruding.

No, not at all.

No, I'm sure you and Alex have been brought in business.

Well, it is important, ma'am.

Mm-Hmm.

Remember, make it out

by night, Lieutenant.

So is our business important, lieutenant?

Well, I'm going to leave that up to you, Mr. Brady.

I brought you some terrific news about our John Doe.

Well, he's not a John Doe anymore.

We know exactly who he.

In one day, Lieutenant,

I told you it's been a terrific day.

He was wearing

this.

His belt. Is about.

What are you thinking about

your drink thinking that's not

a very interesting item to use in a movie?

Well, suppose I show you this. This

fall on the inside and on top.

Does that help?

Give me your attention, sir.

You have my attention, lieutenant and the zippers

underneath the flap.

You see that zipper,

that's what tells us this is a money.

People take trips, sometimes they hide money

like this in a secret compartment.

I get interested in.

I mean, for something you might use even more.

We're not making a movie, lieutenant.

So why don't we just stick to our John Doe and his remarkable belt?

You just open up.

You see, it is a secret pocket here.

Why don't we see what's in the pocket?

That is if you're still interested.

It seems to be a traveler's check.

That's exactly what it is.

The victim was a very careful man.

He had a traveler's check and his money pump.

100 dollar travel was checked out, sir.

And these numbers that are printed here

would your audience find these numbers exciting? Say.

Because toward the impact of these numbers.

Well, that really, when I look at them, I don't see numbers.

I see a neon sign blinking a name and address,

because these special numbers, what they do is they connect

this check to the buyer's name and address.

That's an absolute fact.

That's how we identify John Doe

and who was it, Lieutenant Golazo?

Oh, you mean the John Doe?

They.

Oh, I got a pay.

There will be.

Fisher, Leonard Fisher,

that was his name, he lives in Albany,

and he used to live in Albany until he was electrocuted.

Are you sure Leonard Fisher?

Oh, very short circuiting Albany police people.

They've been very cooperative.

They even fax us his driver's license photo ID.

Take you.

Yeah.

I know this man, Lieutenant.

You do

understand

when we we grew up together.

We loved each other.

I can't.

Lennie's was the body of water

a remarkable coincidence?

You actually knew him.

Coincidence is

what makes this story, lieutenant,

without coincidence, life runs evenly

like like a train on a track.

Coincidence is a train wreck?

Violence and suffering guilt.

Guilt.

Lenny's sister, Jenny.

Was killed about ten years ago

in a freak accident.

She was on her way to meet me.

Me, no me.

No accident.

No dead, Jenny.

And I need to.

What was he doing in Los Angeles,

why didn't he call me?

When's the last time you smoked?

About three years ago.

It was with another friend of ours money.

Jason Collins pictured.

That leaves me.

I'm I'm going to have to excuse myself,

and then if you don't mind, I'm afraid I'm not fit company.

I understand, sir.

It must be a terrible shock.

Is there anything else I can do?

Well, there is something, sir.

Tell me,

maybe not.

Maybe some other time.

Not under any circumstance.

They're my circumstances, lieutenant, not yours.

Go ahead and ask, Is it all right if I make myself an ice cream soda?

Of course.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night.

Elsewhere in the water truck.

I never liked.

Why do you why you want food?

You just say,

all right, is it a bone?

That's your third one this morning.

There's too many snacks.

Soon you're gonna be big like a dirigible.

You won't be able to fit in the car.

I'll be right back.

Mm, yeah.

Stanley, forward class on

Friday.

OK, now that Robert is right.

Right, sir.

That's Good

Friday

actually looked kind of Columbo.

I'm afraid I'm a bit busy right now up here, lieutenant.

I've got the clippings.

You got the what I think, sir.

Newspaper clippings. Be right down.

Take your time, sir.

I'll just wait here.

I don't want to interfere. I know you print

what clippings, lieutenant?

Oh, at the officer.

Just part of my investigation.

All the clippings from that motorcycle accident were suspicious.

You and your friend bodyguard,

you have no reason to feel guilty.

I just had to say that, sir.

It makes me feel better, Mr. Brady.

Till the smoke frank, that accident.

It's all on a motorcycle.

You had nothing to do with that.

It would have been different if she was working on your phone, but she wasn't.

So there's no reason for guilt, Mr. Brady.

There was nothing you could do.

Could I sit here?

I mean, when you go back up

your work, it's so interesting, sir.

As you said about your work, lieutenant, I'm sure mine isn't as interesting

as you think.

It is just a few minutes, sir.

It's sort of like turnabout.

You all work for my work. I'd be very quiet.

All right, Lieutenant.

Hop on up.

I really appreciate this.

Thank you very much. Buckle up.

Hook me up, fellas.

This is called

the Titan Crane Lieutenant, I feel you have to talk, sir.

Just concentrate on your work.

Does I bother you?

Oh, no, no, hardly at all.

I don't hardly mind.

We're just having a look

at this for about 20 seconds in a dream sequence

when whipping around the fog slicked wet streets.

I'm a slap on.

It'll look very real in its own way.

Film makes its own reality.

Almost to the right down and write.

I'm not sure whether we'll shoot this day or night, though,

not back up the hill up fellas back up to the left.

Is that why you wanted the water truck the other night, sir, to

wet down the street,

your secretary?

She was very upset about that.

You're forgetting to tell her.

Yeah.

Well, Rosie gets upset about paperclips these days, lieutenant,

and we don't make allowances for age down and right

when.

I've got to get back to my stage with tennis, I'm glad you enjoyed the ride.

Oh, I think I did deserve.

Up. Awful debt in their Stan.

Let me try something.

Not any better, Alex.

Not bad, got any sand or sand, I need a bigger wind machine.

OK, strike the window.

You got it.

Mr Brady.

Sure.

What are you doing in my desert, lieutenant?

I was working for you, sir.

I think I came in the wrong way.

It's.

That was trying to say.

For the good thing that I read.

I think you better get me out of here.

Stanley, why don't you help down

Lieutenant Columbo, he seems to be a bit lost.

I get it.

Thank you. Be all right for a while, Alex.

Sure, sure. Go ahead, Stanley.

That was a very eerie feeling, except for a moment there.

I didn't know where I was anymore.

And where were you when you knew where you were lieutenant?

Oh, I was in the middle of my works

thinking about your friend Len Fisher.

He'd been here in L.A. and all.

Can you think of any reason why you wouldn't get in touch with him?

No, I can't.

It's funny.

I've been troubled by that myself.

Could he have been angry with you about something sooner?

How would I know, Lieutenant?

Right?

How would you know about such a thing if you hadn't seen him or spoken with?

You'll pardon all the questions

they're asking and listen, and that's all we got to work with.

It's really

not a very interesting line of work, not nearly as fascinating as yours, Mr.

Brady. Oh, I don't know.

A moment ago, you were lost in the shadows, shadows

on a screen,

light and shadow, shadow and light.

That's all we have to work with.

For instance,

what is that over there?

That looks like a big black picket fence.

Right?

And what about that up there?

Yo Wagner,

the spotlight must be a spotlight.

Now let's see what happens when we mix the light with the feds,

Wagner.

Light

and shadow.

Lieutenant, I trapped behind the fence.

Or are you

or are we trapping each other?

Shall we?

Why don't we try to escape from all this, lieutenant?

Well, it should be easy to find a way out.

Not if we reverse the action.

See, we're still locked with each other.

Now our film is making its own reality and there's no end of the fence.

We could always just back away

from each other's back away and you lose your light without light.

You die and your picture dies and you've lost your murder case.

Lieutenant, you've left the world of your own reality, lieutenant.

Now you're in my world, now you're living in my reality

and you've lost your substance.

You're a shadow on my screen and illusion without reality.

Sure. But I think I'm very, very

what's real and what isn't.

We do our tricks with smoke and mirrors.

The mirrors are real. So is the smoke.

But is the fence real, lieutenant?

Oh, oh, I'm pretty sure about that.

There are clouds of atomic particles flying through empty space

pretending to be a fence, and you call that reality as real as you are, Mr.

Brady.

Right now, you understand

I'm the substance and you are the shadow

I created.

You and I can destroy you.

I could vanish you with a word.

What word is that?

Carl,

remarkable,

just an exercise.

Just an exercise.

Sometimes I think that's the way my investigation is going, sir.

Well, mine was just theatrical tricks, lieutenant.

Not in the same league as pursuing a murder case.

Well, now we're back to the same panel, Mr.

Brady.

You want to make a movie about a detective now on this particular murder case,

the victim's belt and a traveler's check.

You might say that was an interesting, even theatrical, but not one of those shoes.

These evidence

came off the victim's feet by you, judge.

Did you find anything interesting here?

But I find this interesting.

Not just tissue,

just tissue.

Yes, by looking at it, I could tell it was a cheap show

and I guess that was made in Portugal, but who cares?

Portugal, right,

is another shoe.

No Hill, no Hill.

Not much, but than nothing.

A missing Portuguese heel.

Well, it's not uninteresting, lieutenant.

And the question what happened to the missing heel?

Now that question?

Yes. Yes, yes, I see that question might get the audience's attention.

Do you agree?

Definitely.

The audience would be right with us.

What made the heel come off?

Could you describe it just like you was in your right?

What do you think?

I don't know.

Well, you can't.

You also got to touch it.

Sticky.

Yes. Yes, it

is. It is sticky,

probably later electricity came up, the electricity

blew off the heal.

But you already know your victim was electrocuted.

So all these deductions of yours,

they don't really represent any real progress, almost.

You know, it's not like it helps you solve your murder case.

Oh, oh, oh, that would really be exciting for both of us.

I do want to urge you to see.

Oh, oh sure, what you see.

That's what you get. OK.

That's the best way to do it.

I know you're busy.

I'll let you go back to work.

But don't give up on this case, Mr. Brady.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Maybe we'll make some real brothers. Yeah.

Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed, lieutenant.

Good day, sir. Good day.

Just take

a second, you'll get a kick out of this.

I'm walking around on the Brownstone Street.

Naturally, I got to yield out my mind a shoe without a heel.

How did the heel Commonwealth heel dish heal that?

And I stepped on soft.

We know

you won't believe this.

Oh, yeah.

It was a heel.

Now that's one I'm going to tell the wife.

Go back to work, sir.

See you soon.

My bad.

I'm not clear, Don.

You can see Catalina.

I know.

Can I show you?

It's not done yet.

It will be.

Your friend, Fulkerson.

The men in your office the other day,

I remember where I saw him before.

Is that important?

I think so.

But first, I want to tell you how I met

Brian, I want you to know our accidental meeting, Brian.

Terrorism.

I was flying home from New York,

landed in the rain about midnight.

No cabs.

My lucky night, this taxi just showed up out of nowhere.

The driver started to take me home.

I turned, you know,

not my lucky night.

The cab broke down in the rain.

Something in the engine.

I got served holding the flashlight.

Then his radio wasn't working, either.

He went to a house, rang the bell to use the phone.

Turns out it was Brian's house.

Blindfold him back

invited me in just to dry off

to fellow actors.

Found out we were going to work on the same picture.

Your picture?

We talked for hours.

And then in the morning.

He took me on.

And that's how we met.

How's that for coincidence?

Do you know who the cab driver was, Alex?

He was a little bit player friend Phil Chrisette pretty good actor, did his job

very well. Did you use another actor to make sure

that Brian was going to be home that night?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, Alex, that you're lousy. You're the lousiest.

There is Ruthie. Hey, forget it.

Forget it.

Whatever happened that night, whatever you think happened.

We want each other now.

You set us up.

Alex, the director.

Alex, the master manipulator.

You make your little puppets.

Dance the dance of love.

You freaks me out and then you chuckle me a new lover.

What's the big deal?

Everybody got what they wanted.

Brian wanted you.

You wanted to punish me and your love scenes with Brian were excellent.

And that's what I wanted.

That's all I wanted.

So who suffered with me? What got lost?

Go to hell, Alex.

Just starting again,

Mr Brady,

Mr Brady, sure. Yes.

Excuse me.

Stop by your house like this, Mr.

Brady, but I got someone who's Mr.

and she was just leaving, she seemed very upset.

She's upset, I'm upset.

Do we have to do this now, Lieutenant?

Well, ordinarily I wouldn't even trouble you, Mr.

President, but I am very encouraging news.

The Albany police are they've traced Mr.

Fisher's place of employment, mentalist or shame.

He told him he needed a day off for some dental work.

That's the day he died here in L.A..

Sir, I'm expecting to acquaintances.

They're coming in a second car.

Just let me see if they got a write ups.

Oh, I brought you a candy bar.

I know you've got a sweet tooth.

How did he get here?

You may, Mr.

Fisher, by plane, sir.

He arrived that morning.

Oh, we traced the return ticket, sir.

The return?

Right, and you followed

the house.

Down the stairs, they're going.

Oh, we weren't

I sure then had arrived that morning and you traced his return ticket,

a retired ticket for 11:00 the same night .

You mean the only planned on being here for the one day yesterday, sir.

I'm sure of it.

I checked it twice

and I pointed out that night that one day

Mr. Shaw, Mr.

Cardassian.

Mr Brady,

how do you do a how do you do

strange in a strange?

It's common here for just one day.

Yes, strange, you didn't call me.

You never heard from a man.

No, I told you, lieutenant, not for three years, right?

You told me,

Archie.

Mr Saw he's a detective in what way?

Tell Mr.

Brady

where you first encountered Mr.

Condon, that was on Century Boulevard.

Not at the airport.

No. I thought it was at the airport Century Boulevard.

That's where you first showed him Mr.

Fisher's picture. Yes.

And he recognized Mr.

Cardassian. He's a cab driver from Iran.

Yes, sir.

I hope things are going well for you here, sir.

Thank you.

Now you recognize this man.

And you remember picking him up at the airport? Yes.

And Mr.

Brady, you're not going to believe this.

Do you know where Mr.

come down and talk to Mr.

Fisher?

Lieutenant, I couldn't possibly know.

Look, I think you'd better just come out and tell me what you want to tell me.

He took him to the studio officer to your very own studio.

Studio, I didn't sleep it off at the studio, I took him to the tour,

said the person you mentioned that that's my mistake.

The torso in the torso.

Where the visit has come to take the tour.

Yes, I know the tour center lieutenant,

what was Lam doing at the tour?

Is it strange and

hard to believe a man would fly away from Auburn in New York

just to see the studio then fly right back home again?

Can you think of any reason?

No, no.

No, it's baffling, and it is

it's all very closely.

OK. Is so Mr.

Cardassian, we've taken enough of Mr.

Brady's time home buyer to see this house.

I know it looks like the trail ends

at the tourist centers, but we've come a long way.

Don't give up on me.

Good night, sir.

Good night, sir.

Nice. Very

sweet dreams.

What a house.

Very nice house.

And I tell you,

is it right?

Absolutely.

So what do they do?

His baseball.

Hello, Phil Chrisette.

Phil, this is Alex.

Oh, I got another private job for you.

What kind of part you got in mind this time weeks ago?

Dropped by the office in the morning.

What is it with this costume?

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

How's your salad? It's great.

Still, it was a lot of vegetables for a change.

How's yours?

I think I should have gotten married.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am.

Hats off to civic delight.

Excuse me.

Supposed to be shrimp?

Yeah. The mussels, shrimp, shrimp.

They hide them in the dressing.

No kidding.

Yeah, I don't. You got a hot voice.

The ketchup.

Oh, there's another one. Who's me? You know something.

I think I've become a vegetarian.

I'm really tired of eating meat.

Did you see the paper this morning?

No, I overslept. Oh, baby!

Oh my god. Excuse me, would you?

Would you like to change places?

They found this dead guy on the beach with Fisher.

Really, I'm pretty sure that name sounds familiar.

Used to live in L.A., I used to go with him.

You must feel awful. Worse.

Out of nowhere, I get this phone call from him.

I don't even know how he got my number.

What do you want? Where did you hear this?

She says he's up at the tour.

Sanders is waiting for this guy who never showed up.

He sounds all panicking.

Why don't you hear why he says he has to score a load of?

Coke to take back to Auburn, he said that.

Coke out of nowhere, man.

Then he asked me if I know anybody.

I hung up.

Oh gosh.

We're late again.

Your system will have a balance

of players.

Oh, sorry,

Sunny.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Lieutenant Columbo, I'm with the police

I couldn't help but overhear.

Are you an actor homicide?

That's all I need is another pick up from an out of work.

Oh no, please, ma'am, this is not a picture you're buying, our pal.

What at least is very nice.

We got a whole prop for this stuff. I am really.

I don't think you artists want to be bothered.

I know.

I think you should call yourself a casting director

because he says and directors, you could talk to them all day long.

Mr Brady.

Mr Brady, Sir, Lieutenant Columbo, yes, Ian Tennant, what is it?

Just wanted to say goodbye for now, sir.

Bring me down, fellas.

Are you leaving us, lieutenant?

Well, there's the case, sir,

it's taking a whole little turn,

going to have to spend some time with the narcotics boys,

so we won't be seeing each other for a while.

Well, you've got me convinced there's such a thing as too much reality with that.

Excuse me, Sharon.

You've got me convinced that a real detective doesn't belong in the movies.

Well, maybe we could talk about that again.

Goodbye.

The Byzantines

led by lieutenant.

Thank you.

Well, Rose,

where do we begin?

I didn't know we were beginning anything except these.

Maybe it's an ending, then

for me and you.

It's time to start thinking about another job, Rose.

Oh, you mean in a secretary,

whatever?

Oh, rose, yeah.

Alex Rose too old for Alex Alex to?

Well, excuse me.

Here we are.

I think there's something you ought to know about me.

I like she's.

I'm still going to enjoy my lunch.

Alex, did you remember to tell that nice

lieutenant Columbo about your phone call from then Fisher?

What difference does that make?

I thought I heard you telling him that you hadn't heard from your friend Len Fisher

now for three years.

But Mr.

Fisher called the other day and you picked up the call and no one was there.

Remember Alex?

No, thank you.

That's not a very interesting subject, Rose.

Why bring that up?

I remembered his name, Lyn Fisher.

My mother's maiden name was Fisher

Tahu Salmon Alex.

It's very good.

I was checking the old phone sheets yesterday,

one page was missing for the day Mr.

Fisher called.

Did you know it was missing out? No.

But if it was missing, I'm

sure that you just threw it out by mistake.

You're talking about leaving

finding another job.

I don't want you to do that, Rosie.

Well, I never leave you, Alex.

I was thinking about a long paid

vacation, maybe a cruise, maybe around the world.

I've always dreamed about something like that.

But then I come back to you.

What do you think?

Is something wrong with you, Sam?

No, just take it away.

I think you deserve a rest, Rose.

My treat for being a loyal secretary.

I'll have my travel agent get in touch with you.

You really should have tried

this, Sam and Alex.

Alex,

maybe you have a minute to join me, Alex.

Sure, Mr.

Maresca.

Excuse me.

You see, I'm playing Hockey

Merida.

We're spending the afternoon with our grandchildren.

You deserve it, Mr. Oh, do I?

Yeah, that deserve that answer.

I got asking you for a favor.

My problem with the board?

I know. I know.

I'm sorry. I was.

I was a little uptight that day.

I must tell you, Alex, you hurt me.

I can make it up to you, Mr. Marasigan.

I think I can get that picture ready for an Easter really necessary

because I made other arrangements for you to Alex.

I want to discuss the picture that you offered us.

What do you mean offering us?

We have an agreement.

No, no. What we have is understanding.

My understanding that you are to prepare the picture

and you could take six months, two years,

a lifetime, all the same

on a day to day expenses will be authorized

so I can play your ungrateful games, Alex.

Perfecto, illusions.

But you got my word.

In the end, your picture

will be the greatest delusion of all.

I'm going to say to it it never gets made.

Never.

Mr. Murashko, you can't.

Just please.

I'm already late for my grandchildren.

Stand.

Stanley?

I, Alex, got a new effect here, I haven't even seen it myself

or through its effects, like up the stairs.

I thought we were going to look at those pipes and lock it up.

Where did this come from?

And the boy in Albany?

Your assistant was kind enough to put it up for me.

Get out.

I hope you don't mind.

Just a few more questions.

The Albany police boy, they burned some terrific help.

They even sent me an inventory of everything a Mr.

Fisher was involved,

and when I saw that there was a roll, a 16 millimeter film

hidden among some groceries because of my interest in film.

I sent for Mr. Brady.

It's just this tiny radio, sir,

but I had it made up like this for your screen.

You see this creature

and what do you make of my screen, lieutenant?

Well, when I compare it to the newspaper clippings, sir, I see Mr.

Fisher sister and I see the motorcycle accident,

and I see you there too, sir.

So the accident happened while you were filming

and you ran away and left it to die.

At least that's what the film tells me.

Mr. Fisher, ever show you this film?

I told you, I haven't.

Do you mind?

Not at all, sir.

You seem to have taken over my stage, lieutenant.

Invite me to the first day of shooting.

Could Mr.

Fisher have threatened you in any way, sir,

because he was upset over the way his system really does

become hostile?

Something like that.

Self-protection, that's certainly a very good motive for murder.

Remember, I haven't seen or talked to Lennie for three years.

Are you suggesting I killed him? We've done it.

No, sir. No, I'm considering his emotions.

Then if that's all, I have a few problems of my own to take care of all this more.

For instance, there's

this.

The weather report, Mr Brady,

the one your secretary always get you.

That's for the night Mr Fisher was electrocuted.

You see the protection for rain, sir.

Yes, I see the prediction for rain,

but that was the night that you ordered the Brownstone Street washed down.

You wanted to see it wet,

and I had to ask myself why you did that

and got charge for it more when you know it was going to rain.

Can you help me with that, Mr Brady?

Because I'm an impatient man, lieutenant.

A rain prediction doesn't guarantee a wet street.

A water truck does.

Well, that certainly explains the truck.

But then there's Mr Fisher's shoes

over by the right, sir.

You remember his shooter,

the one with the missing eagle.

It's the hill I found on your Brownstone Street,

the street you made sure was nice and what?

That would be a very dangerous place to stand.

I mean, if someone was gripping onto something with high voltage,

you see the burnt hills in

the lab.

Boys say it's a perfect fit.

Do you believe that's where Len was killed lieutenant

on the Brownstone Street?

I think it's a possibility.

And then there's this book,

the apology book on the books in your boys club.

I took the Liberty, Sir.

Those are my bookmarks.

And out of your college picture with Len Fisher, and I guess that's body

coach and yourself in the class before yours is a picture of Mr.

Fisher sister Jenny,

the one who died in the act.

Is is there a point to all this lieutenant?

I guess it has to do with the way people treat a book.

Some people, they turn down the corners of page

and some people they use a bookmark.

My own mother,

she would chop my hands off if she ever saw me turning down the corners of a book.

So I was like, Lisa, what do you use?

I must confess I'm a corner turner lieutenant.

Is there a penalty for that?

Well, whichever way it becomes a habit

and all over the place,

maybe just looking picture the picture.

Reminisce about happier times.

He used the more

I found this in your competition book.

On the same page is the photograph jellyfish.

Maybe you could see it better over here.

Would you turn off the lights, sir?

I think the lab boys,

I think they put this on the same piece of.

You see the date, the time,

the day Mr Fisher died

and the time.

Twelve minutes after 3:00, just two minutes after Mr Contortion

delivered Mr Fisher to the Torsen,

so we can say that's Mr Fisher's ticket

to the studio to.

And we found the ticket new year.

So many fishermen

have had to be in your boys club on the day he died.

The day, the night you murdered him.

By electrocution on the Brownstone Street,

I'd say by that iron gates.

Know where I found that he.

Do you really think

some underpaid policeman

is going to arrest me

with all that circumstantial claptrap?

Oh, I almost forgot.

Miss Walker, your secretary, she's been very helpful.

She helped us with that little scene in the restaurant today

where you try to bribe with a trip around the world.

I say that was an admission of guilt.

Her testimony is going to be very damaging.

I wouldn't count on it, Lieutenant,

whatever Rose told you in the end, it'll be her word against mine.

Well, not exactly, sir.

We do have witnesses.

You see that little scene in the restaurant.

That was what you might call a stage

like your own little manipulation.

Like the taxi driver that

that drove Miss Jernigan that.

Well, that'll be the extras that were in the studio

commissary yesterday when I was having lunch.

Very good.

Well, one of them was a man

and there were no

hospitals singing shooting at the studio

and the other was a bridesmaid.

And there were no wedding scenes.

So I had to think that they were newer actors

with the radio transmission.

Maybe you would like to see our own actors.

Our witnesses at the restaurant saw.

Mr Wagner. Sir.

You remember the bus boy, the part of the bus

boy played by Detective Sergeant Luis

Rodriguez.

Another witness, sir,

your luncheon wagers are all beautifully performed

by Detective Sergeant Manning.

Next, witness, Mr.

Brady, your very own cocktail waitress,

a little hands for your favorite actress, popular room.

And again.

And then there's me

playing my own blog.

The only thing that's given me any pleasure in this case, Mr.

Brady, is charging you with murder,

and I must say

that's been a very great players.