Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

Who's got two forks and meatball boobs? This guy. [rolls tongue]

Gene, please just eat your food and also give me back my fork.

But I'm trying to entertain our guest!

Hey, there's still plenty of the dinner oatmeal I brought.

Am I the only one eating it?

I guess I never really thought of oatmeal as a dinner food.

It is when it has peas in it.

And one kernel of corn that I hid in there.

The person who finds it, wins.

-[Louise] Wins what? -A hundred dollars.

-[Tina] Really? -[Gene] What?

-No, just the corn. -[all] Oh.

So, Gayle, how's the performance art group thingy going?

What's it called again?

The Performance Art Collective Workshop of Performance Artists.

-Right. -It's fantastic.

Our big showcase is this Friday and you're all invited.

-Oh, uh, great. -Dad loves it.

And it's kid-friendly.

Don't worry, there's not any nudity or anything.

Boo!

I mean, there was gonna be,

but Ansel slammed the book too hard on his penis

and long story short, he's recovering.

What are you gonna do at the showcase, Aunt Gayle?

It's a piece I call Gayle Gardens.

I made a romper and a hat completely out of fertilizer, mulch and chicken wire,

and I put a whole garden on it.

Flowers, grass. No worms, though.

Not my decision. I was open to it, but the worms were not collaborative.

I'm gonna stand there and invite people to sit near me

and sniff me and pollinate me if they can figure out how.

Wow, what a performative art that sounds like.

Oh, I really love being a part a part of this collective,

sharing ideas and being around all that creative energy.

Plus, I'm the hottest one there.

I've even got two guys fighting over me.

-Whoa. -Fist-fighting, knives, Muay Thai?

No, but they both really want to sit next to me

when we have discussion sessions in the group hammock.

-Plus, I've slept with both of them. -Oh, my God.

I wanna be in a performance art collective.

No. Uh, s-so what are these two Casanovas like?

Well, first, there's Victor.

He's brooding and mysterious

and super talented and condescending in a sexy way.

I'm calling my piece "pore-us."

I'm fascinated by pores.

We're all made up of holes, little black holes,

empty longing, loneliness.

So it's "porous" like pores, but also "poor us."

I think I get it.

No, you don't. But it's fine.

We're all just full of holes wanting to be filled.

Make love to me!

[both moaning]

We didn't make love there. We waited till we got to my car.

Okay, we don't have to get into all that.

No, Mom, let Aunt Gayle talk. This is really interesting.

-Hmm. -Then there's Dean.

He's kind of boring, but he's hot. You know how I like 'em, Linda.

Massive elbows.

But his art is kinda meh.

So for my piece, I'm thinking about doing a headstand the whole time,

And I've never done one before.

See? Like this.

That's... great. What does it... what does it mean?

Well, you know, when the world feels like

-it's upside down? -Uh-huh.

Also, I really want to learn to do a headstand.

Huh.

Sorry, I'm laying all this headstand stuff on you.

You're just so easy to talk to.

Make love to me!

Oh, sure. Whoa!

[both moaning]

But we didn't do it there.

We did it in his childhood bedroom, which is also his adult bedroom.

-[Bob] Hmm. -Okay, who wants dessert?

So, you think you could get serious about one of these guys?

Settle down or off into the sunset?

I mean, it's fun being fought over

but, eh... why buy the wiener dog when you can get the wieners for free?

I don't think that's the saying, is it?

-No, it is. -Okay.

I don't know. I'm glad I brought my wiener dog,

even though he sheds everywhere. [chuckles]

-But seriously, you do. -Yeah.

At least he stopped dragging his butt across carpet.

Uh, well, it's getting late.

Uh, yeah, that's how time works, Bob.

-[chuckles] This guy. -[sighs]

Oh, I almost forgot!

Remember those necklaces I made out of tampons when I ran out of cotton balls?

-Yeah -Well, I found them the other day

when I was cleaning out my freezer

and I thought, "Hey, I'll bring 'em to dinner."

Everybody can have one. Here, go ahead, take a tampon necklace.

-[all] Oh! -[Louise] Fantastic.

Here, Bob, they're one-size-fits-all and perfect for any occasion.

Father, you look stunning.

Heh, great. Uh, kids, time to think about getting ready for bed.

Hmm, yeah, I thought about it, and it's just not really my thing anymore.

-Okay, Go on. Go brush your teeth. -[kids grumbling]

And then after that, we'll all visit some more.

-[Bob whines] -Oh, shush.

Come on, foot rub time. Let's go.

-Oh, now? -Yeah, Mr. Grumpy needs a foot rub.

Gonna rub all the grumps out of your feet.

-Uh, okay. -Oh. Um...

-Sorry about what's happening... -[Linda grunting]

...right now, Gayle, with my feet.

Aw, well, that's a gross, nice thing.

Kids, wait, before you brush your teeth, I gotta pee first!

-Outta my way! -[Louise] Whoa!

[♪ Gayle vocalizing]

[urinating]

[♪ vocalizing slows down]

[♪ continues vocalizing]

-[Linda grunting] -[Bob] Ah, yep, that's good.

[Linda] Ignoring the smell 'cause I love you.

[Louise] Anybody else just mesmerized by Dad's pterodactyl toenail?

-I can't look away. -[Gene] I can!

Wait, no, I can't. I just looked!

How have they not had to amputate it?

Imagine having to sleep next to that thing.

I gotta watch my back or I get sliced.

[Bob] Okay, give me my sock back.

You're all mean, and I don't like any of you anymore.

Gayle, are you okay?

Gotta go, bye.

Okay. Bye, hun.

-It was the toenail, right? -[Tina] Definitely.

-[Louise] Oh, yeah. -[Linda] No.

Also, Bob, when I'm done, you gotta roll the ball on my butt.

-Okay. -And that's how babies are made.

[yawns] That was a pretty long visit from your sister last night.

I feel like we're good on Gayle visits for a while, right?

-Linda, Linda, open up! -[all exclaiming]

-[bell dings] -[panting] Linda, I'm here to thank you.

Gayle, what are you talking about? What is it?

Something amazing!

I just had to come right over and tell you in person.

And also I can't find my phone.

-Have you checked your fanny pack? -[zipper opens]

Oh, yeah, there it is. Okay, I'll go home and call you.

No, no, just tell me.

I'm changing my performance piece.

-No more Gayle Gardens. -Oh?

Last night got me thinking.

It could be nice to have my own wiener dog

and to be someone else's wiener dog.

So I decided, I'm getting married!

-What? -For the piece.

-Oh! -And in real life

-What? -Oh, boy.

-Holy crap. -Wow.

Who's the lucky wiener?

Dean... or Victor, I don't know yet.

You don't know yet? Do they know?

Yeah, they know, they're into it.

-They are? -Big time.

They think it'll make an interesting art piece.

Okay, so it is just for art.

-Yeah, but also for life. -[sighs]

I really don't see what's so confusing about this.

I'm finally getting married, and it's all thanks to you, Linda.

[Gene] Yay, Mom!

[nervous groaning]

What?

Save it for your wedding toast, Mom.

So, wait. Gayle, you're telling me you're getting married Friday

to one of these two art guys, but you don't know which one?

I don't know which one yet,

but who I marry isn't the point, Linda.

The point is, I'm getting married.

And you know what made me wanna get married?

Was seeing you rub a tennis ball on Bob's foot.

Yeah, normally, that has the opposite effect.

Yeah, I usually need a few days to recover after seeing the toenail.

It belongs in a museum!

I want to rub someone's feet with tennis balls

and have them rub mine.

And our nasty toothbrushes will sit together by the sink,

our rusty old razors together by the tub.

-Aw. -Gayle, I'm gonna say it.

I think you're rushing into this.

No.

Of course I'm rushing into it.

Linda, I've joined a lot of art collectives,

and I've made love to a lot of men.

But this is the first time that two of them are fighting over me.

So, you do the math.

One, two, I did it.

So I'm gonna have both of them come to the restaurant this afternoon.

First Victor, then Dean.

Then you can all help me decide who to choose.

Ooh, okay, I'll set up the obstacle course.

Do we have any live piranhas?

Kids, go to school!

-Oh, I can drive them. -In the sex car!

Uh, no, no, no, uh, you can walk.

-Uh, they can walk, it's so close. -All right.

I'm gonna go sew my wedding dress.

I need bubble wrap. Bob, do you have any?

Why do you need bubble wrap?

'Cause I want the dress to be classy and to make noises.

Uh, we're all out.

Eh, it's okay, I'll just take it out of my neighbor's packages.

[cheering] I'm getting married!

[yelling] I'm getting married!

-We told you to get new razors. -School, now!

[bell dings]

Hey, kids, you're right on time!

Yeah, we tried to leave school earlier, but apparently that's frowned upon.

It's like they're obsessed with us.

So, wait, you're gonna get married to one of these two guys this Friday?

-Wow. -I know!

Pretty soon, I'm gonna be doing typical married things

like weaving nets and fishing together down in the lagoon.

-Singing sea shanties. -Wearing matching unitards.

Getting the "married person" newsletter.

-I can't wait! -[Linda] Mmm.

So, uh, do you have an officiant yet?

-Because I am ordained. -Really?

Yeah, I was supposed to officiate my cousin's wedding last spring.

But they went with this minister from the church

because he had, "Been a friend of the family forever

and made a miraculous recovery from cancer."

-Total BS. -[Bob] Hmm.

I mean, I was thinking of having my cat do it.

Of course, your cat. Makes sense, I understand.

-Is this a good spot? Can you all see? -[all] Yeah.

Remember, you're all quietly observing and you'll vote at the end.

Or we don't do any of this?

-[all] No. -[Louise] Come on, Mom.

I kind of have to use my peripheral vision.

-I'll move seats. -No, wait, that's good.

Don't look at all. Use sound, use smell.

Sniff out a winner for me.

-Okay, Eddie? -Teddy.

I'm ready too.

[Gayle] Bye, I'll be in touch!

Whoo, that was fun!

Okay, let's tally up the scores.

Tell me everything. Let's pick me a spouse.

[Bob] Victor, for sure.

-What? -[Louise] Okay.

-Bob. -What? I like him. He's smart.

I mean, sure, he was pretty aloof

and kind of rude, but he's the real artist.

Did you see Dean?

You wanna wake up next to Smart or next to Dean?

I can't read my notes.

-Who was first? -Victor, the best one.

Hey, I wrote "Smells like burgers."

Is that crazy?

-That's, I mean-- -I'm with Tina.

I have Dean in the lead.

Good posture, very complimentary of my water pouring

even though there was some spillage on his lap and shoes and legs and arms.

It was a real Flashdance situation.

I'm team Victor. He's dark.

Seems like the kind of uncle who'd give you a weapon for Christmas,

but also not come over for Christmas

because he doesn't like you, which I love.

Uh, I didn't get any of that. I just wrote "Dean smells like fries."

Teddy, I-- I think you were smelling your food.

-[Teddy] Argh! -People, don't encourage this!

Well, we're deadlocked. What do we do?

Let's keep reviewing. What about the interview round?

My first question was a good one, right?

What animal would I fight for you?

I would say the most complicated animal... Man.

Specifically my neighbor, Brad.

I want to write a book about Victor.

Pfft, Dean answered that question with his arms and his hot face.

Jeez, do I have to fight an animal?

One time, a chicken beat me at tic-tac-toe but I was happy for the chicken.

Sweet, hot, dumb, Dean.

Okay, so what about the dancing section?

Marriage is eighty percent dance compatibility.

I think Paula Abdul said that.

-[clears throat] -[both grunting, vocalizing]

[whoops]

You know, I couldn't tell.

The other customers seemed confused.

-[Linda] Gayle. -And the foot rubbing, thoughts?

Oh, oh! Oh, my.

I feel nothing.

-[Dean] Ow, ow! -[giggling]

-[Dean] Ow! -[mumbling]

The balls still have their scent on 'em.

Eddie, you wanna smell 'em? Maybe that'll help you choose which guy.

I'm good.

I'm still trying to decide who should officiate.

Give 'em here. [sniffing]

Enough! Everyone just stop.

You're all having a whole lot of fun.

But this is Gayle's life we're talking about.

Gayle, you shouldn't be marrying either one of these guys.

They're not right for you.

-This is a very bad idea. -[gasps]

Okay, but if you had to choose...

Linda, I really wish you'd be more supportive of my art/marriage

to someone I'm not sure who.

I'm just saying you don't have to settle for one of these weirdos you barely know.

Wait for a guy who deserves you.

Easy for you to say, Linda. You found your wiener dog!

Look, this is happening whether you like it or not.

I've got the marriage licenses all ready to go.

They just need to be signed. In blood, I assume, right?

-Ugh, Gayle! -Linda, if you can't support me,

I-- I just don't even want you to be there.

In fact, I've decided. You're not coming!

You are baanned!

-"Baanned?" -"Baanned"

from the entire Performance Art showcase.

Are you saying banned?

Obviously, I have made it so.

Good day!

Also, Eddie, you're hired. You can officiate my wedding.

Yes, sweet!

I mean, sorry, Linda. Feeling good, though. I-- I'm an officiant.

I'm gonna call my cousin and see if I can work it into the conversation.

Hey, Ralph. Did you see the game last night?

No? Well, anyway, I'm officiating a wedding.

Mom, I love that you got banned from Aunt Gayle's wedding/art show

and we're still going so we can sneak you in.

I'm excited about being in jail.

You're great parents.

I-- I don't love it. I'm not excited about going to jail.

No one's going to jail. You're just getting me into the art show.

I got to stop Gayle!

You already tried that. It's how you got banned.

I-- I'm gonna do a better job this time.

Look, I wore Gayle's tampon necklace to get back in her good graces.

It does go with everything.

I'm gonna tell her how much I love her and how I want the best for her.

If we have to, we'll grab her, put her in a sack and carry her out.

Should we just skip o the kidnap in a sack part?

Um, why not just let Aunt Gayle do this, Mom?

She's really excited about the foot rubbing thing.

I know she's excited about the foot rubbing thing

but you don't get married in a dumb art piece

in some dumb warehouse to some guy that you chose

by going eeny, meeny, miny, moe because you wanted a foot rub.

She wants to give foot rubs too.

Thank you, Tina!

[sighs] Why was I so worried?

It's not like they have security at these things.

-Hold on, you can't go in. -Oh.

[Tina] Whoa.

[Louise] Yeah, Aunt Gayle's not fooling around.

-They can enter, you cannot. -Damn it!

So, uh, what do you wanna do?

I'm gonna go around and find another door.

You go in, look for a backdoor or a side door, any door.

Pop it open and I'll find you.

I don't know, I don't--

Okay, well, enjoy all the performance art in there

that I won't be able to see because I won't be in the building.

-Bye! -[Gene] We'll never forget you!

[Linda grunting]

It's arty time!

It doesn't fit. It doesn't fit.

Company's coming.

Back door, back door.

Anyone see a-- Oh, they're gone.

Door, door, door.

What the...

[cell phone vibrating]

"At the back door, let me in." [groans]

There are so many doors.

Hold on.

-[cell phone vibrating] -What? There's one door.

The hell is he talking about?

This is like a bad dream. Doors.

Oh, my God, this is art?

Huh, I guess it is.

Here. Shoot the world.

Oh, okay.

[plays cheering on phone]

[plays screaming on phone]

-Huh, reloading. -[gun cocks]

Oh, uh...

[plays cheering on phone]

[plays screaming on phone]

Reloading again.

You want to press the thing?

I feel like you're missing the--

-[sighs] Yeah, sure. -[plays cheering on phone]

"Left the distribution center, July 10, 2:15 p.m.

Arrived at regional origin facility, July 12, 4:18 p.m.

Departed regional origin facility, July 13, 10:59 p.m..."

This is my favorite one so far, but I haven't seen any of the other ones.

You're done. Please, move along.

-[both straining] -Just ten more!

This piece is really speaking to me.

[♪ music playing]

♪ I can't move and I don't know why ♪

♪ I can't move and I don't know why ♪

♪ I can't move and I don't know why ♪

♪ I can't move and I don't know why ♪

Okay, I think I get the gist of this one.

[knocking on door]

I can't... I-- can't tell which one is you. Hold on.

Uh, finally.

Aah! Hi...

More like, "Bye".

Ugh. All right, I'll go.

-Just let me in. -No, no, ma'am.

-Let me in, it's a sister emergency. -Walk away.

-[groaning] -No, ma'am.

Ma'am, walk away. Walk away!

Okay, fine, I'm leaving.

I hope someday your sister tries to marry someone she just met.

And I'm a security guard there.

-And I won't let you in! -Yeah, right.

You don't have the training or the temperament for it.

You don't have the peppermint for it.

A-ha, I'll just go on the roof.

There's gotta be a way in from up there.

That's how Santa does all his sneaky crap.

[grunting]

Okay, I've been around the whole building.

I might just give up.

Oh, real door!

[whispering] Lin, Lin!

You trying to let that banned woman into the gallery?

Who? Oh, uh, no, uh... of course not.

[stammering] She's a bad lady.

Yeah, she is.

I mean, she's my wife, but I'll probably get a different one.

Ah, there you are.

Hey. Can I have your last names real quick for the ceremony?

-Smith -Okay.

-Vipin Shtaphinhogen. -Seriously?

God, I hope it's not you. I mean, good luck to both of you.

And the fiddler is on the roof!

Okay, looking for doors, hatches,

vents. [scoffs]

Are there no rooftop entrances?

Are you kidding me? How the hell are you

supposed to break into this dumb art collective warehouse?

[wedding bells ringing]

Oh, crap, is that it? Is it starting?

[♪ "Here Comes the Bride" playing]

[crunching]

[muffled] Gayle, Gayle!

Ew, I licked the glass by accident.

Oh, God...[groans]

Gayle, don't do it!

Gayle!

Linda?

Is Mom on the roof?

Oh, no, Lin, no.

[Louise] This is how I want her at my wedding.

-What should I do? -Get started.

-Okay, uh. -[Linda yelling indistinctly]

[clears throat] Thank you all for coming.

[chuckles] We shall begin this wedding by asking the bride

who she is going to marry for real.

-In real life, but also for art. -[Linda] Gayle!

But it's real and it counts.

And this officiant will try to be as efficient as possible.

-[chuckles] -[Teddy] Thank you.

So, Gayle, if you would make your choice,

Dean Smith or Victor Vorpin Snuffleupagus-s?

Say that "does anyone object to this wedding?" thing.

Huh, no, what? You're skipping way ahead.

I've got an amazing Maya Angelou quote coming up.

-Just say it! -Argh!

Does anyone here object to this wedding?

-I do. -[Tina gasps]

Oh, my!

-I can't marry either of you. -Damn it!

I thought I wanted to get married to have someone whose feet I can

rub balls all over and vice versa.

At least it seemed like a thing I should want.

But now I'm looking up at my sister, Linda,

up there on the roof, banging on the skylight.

And she's wearing a tampon necklace I made,

and I was just thinking about how happy I was when I made those necklaces.

Just me sitting there in my apartment by myself,

pulling apart tampons to make this beautiful thing,

this accessory that goes with any occasion.

And I realized my sister's right.

I don't need to settle for either of these guys.

No offense, you're both great.

I mean, you're fine.

Maybe if I could mush you together in some sort of a machine.

Maybe make those elbows even a little bigger.

Anyway, my sister is also wrong. Which are my five favorite words.

Because I don't need to wait for someone who deserves me.

I don't need to wait for anyone

because the right person already showed up.

And it's me!

And so I'm marrying myself.

-[Tina gasps] -Oh, my!

Linda, come in, come in!

Oh, okay, I'm coming down, I'm coming down!

She's unbaanned.

I unbaann her.

She's saying, "unbanned", right?

Yeah, obviously. Have you never been "baanned?"

Do you take this, Gayle in holy matrimony,

to be your lawfully married to... yourself person?

I do.

And Gayle, do you take this Gayle to be your lawfully wedded Gayle?

I do.

I now pronounce you Gayle and Gayle.

You may kiss yourself.

-[Gayle moaning] -[crowd clapping]

Aw!

-Aw. -Okay.

Every pot has a lid.

-Jersey Mike's? -Oh, sure.

Well, that was beautiful.

Wasn't it beautiful?

Gayle's speech was actually kind of inspiring.

Are you going to get divorced and be alone with yourself? Dibs on Mom!

No, I'm just saying feeling complete just as you are,

going against what society pressures you to be with marriage and feet stuff,

I think she inspired me to accept my gross toenail.

Dad, that is not what you should have taken from this.

Yeah, you need to go to a doctor.

That thing is a monster.

No, it's part of me and I accept it.

Let's cut it off!

-[all] Yeah! -[Bob] No!

-[Bob] Okay, fine. -[all] Yay!

♪ You're a wonderful Gayle ♪

♪ So delightful, you're simply gorgeous ♪

♪ Head-to-toe ♪

♪ You've got a raging libido ♪

♪ You're sexy and swell ♪

♪ You're my kind of Gayle ♪

♪ Undeniable ♪

♪ Her fanny pack makes the boys all swoon ♪

♪ Pretty soon it's, "Hey, get a room!" ♪

♪ Tear tampons apart You're a master of art ♪

♪ You're a wonderful, magical ♪

♪ Sexiful, Gayleful Gayle ♪

[Gayle] Whew! God, I love me!