Original subtitles

This is great.

This is absolutely my best work.

By far.

And print.

Okay.

They're going to love it.

The end.

They're going to love this.

Wow.

It's time for a celebration.

Here we go with the traditional champagne with the glass here.

Okay.

Okay, but you have outdone yourself.

Oh, okay.

Okay, Gilbert, it's okay.

Go to the happy place.

Maybe I should have gotten a wrench.

Okay.

Now I need...

The perfect entree.

Good evening, Exum Escorts. This is Helga speaking.

Hello, Helga. Hello, this is Gilbert Fitz.

Hello, Mr. Fitz. How good to hear from you.

Don't tell me you finished that novel so quickly.

Yes, it took me approximately three months.

But I must say, it's the goddamn best thing I've ever done.

Congratulations. And I certainly don't need to guess why you're calling.

Of course not. You know the ritual there, Helga.

A blonde, big tits bolted on this far, shaved pussy, very skanky, very nasty.

I'll see what I can do, Mr. Fitz.

Unfortunately, there's a convention in town and I'm a little short -handed. No,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

Helga, Helga, please, please, you do not want to screw up my ritual.

There's no other escort service I could go to. Please, you must help me. Don't,

don't, don't mess up my plan. Calm down. I didn't say I didn't have anyone.

I just might have a little difficulty filling the bill precisely. I'm okay.

calm. I've gone to the happy place.

Please, just send over your best girl.

It'll be okay.

I'm from excellent escorts.

Uh... Well?

Uh, what? Well, are you going to let me in, or are we just going to fuck right

here in the doorway? I don't think, uh, maybe we should put the... Oh, oh,

there's a scuff here.

Nice place you got here.

You must make a decent living.

Yes, I know, and don't touch that!

Excuse me.

Yeah, oh, no, let us not set this down. Oh, gosh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You see, I think that there is actually... I used to do this dentist

house like this out in Long Island.

Oh, my God, he was a weird motherfucker, that.

I always wanted me to eat hard -boiled eggs when he went down on me.

I don't know. Oh, okay.

Actually, you see, I think that there's actually been a mistake, a really big

mistake. Oh, fuck!

I'm not at the wrong house again, am I? No, no. You're actually at the right

address. You're just the wrong person.

Were you expecting someone in particular?

Actually, yes. You see, a particular type.

It's kind of a ritual that I have. Well, actually, she's kind of blonde with

very slutty. Jesus Christ. It sounds like you should have fucking ordered

yourself a porn star.

Yes, well, if I was in L .A., I would have done that. God knows there are a

a dozen.

Uh, uh, yeah, you, uh, you see, um, sometimes I have these, uh, um, these

hallucinations. Oh, shit, man, I heard drugging!

Shit! I told Helga not to send me to you fucking druggies! It takes you freaks

way too long to get it up and get it off!

No, no, no, no, no, no. Hi, Mom!

How does it feel to be back home?

Well, actually, see, I am not a druggie. No, please, let me tell you that right

now. I am not a druggie. You see, I have a... With the job that I have, I'm a

creative arts professional. You see, with my job, I have a certain ritual and

stuff. When I'm doing a project, I tend to keep myself celibate. And, of course,

when I complete the project, I celebrate with something close to you, but not

like you.

Like someone?

What the hell is a creative arts professional?

I'm sorry, I do not wish to discuss my job with you at this time. Hello, you

just did. Yes, but I explained to you that I'm not a freak on narcotics who is

eventually going to bore you to death by taking too long to ejaculate.

I feel sorry for the woman who's going to get shackled to you for life.

Where are you going?

Hey, I didn't live up to your low standards, so I figured the deal was

I say the deal was off?

Did I?

I assume.

Yes, well, nations have gone to war. Empires have crumbled over assumptions.

Oh, goody. Now I'm getting a fucking history lesson on top of all the verbal

abuse. Have a seat.

Have a seat.

Now, do you think that you could be a slutty, very slutty? Honey, for the

fucking price, I can even pretend that I want to fuck you. Oh, you're good.

Oh, yeah? Is that what this is all about?

Verbal abuse?

Is that what you want?

You like it when I talk to you easy, little boy?

Anybody in the way?

Don't call me a fucking slut!

I hate it when you call me a slut.

Uh, I think I will remember that.

Good. Come here.

Let's talk.

Sorry. No problem.

Yes,

I want your pussy. Yes, I want your pussy.

Great,

I'm getting fashion tips from a whore.

Yeah, you like the way I dress? Uh -huh.

Yeah? Yes. You better say yes. It's very nice.

Uh -huh.

Well,

why

don't you go in there and find out?

Must be the erotic writer. What the fuck is this?

You think you're somebody important?

That was my teacher.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, aren't those nice?

Yeah, I'm the lord of the jungle.

The writer thing, isn't it?

Erotic novelist.

You like the way I stuck your cup?

Yes.

You like that right above?

You like that, my love?

Mm -hmm.

You didn't like it when I took your car?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, that's it, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Like that?

Fuck you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Give

me that, God.

I want to deep inside my pussy.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, yes.

Yeah. Oh, fuck you.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, that's it, baby.

Fuck me with your cock.

Fuck me with your big, hard cock.

Oh, God, you're so good.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

I like that. Do it again.

Harder.

Oh, my goodness. Oh,

gosh.

Fuck my pussy.

He can do four.

Save the cat.

Yeah.

You need a cow can call me a horse.

Yeah. Oh, fuck yes.

I'll be your horse.

You're my horse.

Oh, yes.

Yes!

God. Fuck my ass.

Fuck my ass. I give you my hand.

Come on.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh God, it's so good.

Fucking good.

Oh yeah,

I want to taste it.

You got it in your mouth? I do.

Okay, come on.

You were fantastic.

You were better than fantastic. You were the perfect little slut.

I told you, don't ever call me a slut.

What's that role play?

Maybe two play.

I'll call you. You call me. Call you.

Nancy, I want you to tell him to lick your fucking boots.

Lick my boots, you cocksucker.

You can do better than that. You've got to think really aggressive.

Lick my boots, you cocksucker.

That's it. Good. That's good.

That's bad. That's bad.

Why do I have to show you how to do everything?

You've got to go like this.

My fucking cell phone.

Stay there and you keep doing that until I come back.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Herbie.

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Uh, no, I'm just in the middle of a session with a couple of clients, but I

take a minute.

Nancy, I want you to make him bark like a dog.

Oh, no, I've done some stuff out the right way. Bark like a dog.

Wow.

Way, way off Broadway, but... Not

that loud!

I'm on the phone for Christ's sake!

Oh, no, no, no, Herbie, I'm sorry. It's just the neighbor's dog.

You're kidding.

Well, how much money is in it for me?

Oh, well, Herbie, you know I can be anything you want me to be.

Cousin?

Can I go home and change first?

I'll see you in a few. Bye.

Guys, sorry.

I've got to cut this session short. Well, you'll be here next week as usual

Thursday, right? Oh, sweetie, I'm going to be out of town for a couple weeks.

Aww.

Stop nibbling your worthless little shit. Get down there. Get back to work.

That's how it's done.

Go to work.

Lick my puss, you worm.

Good girl.

See you guys in a couple weeks.

Thank you.

Uh -huh.

Fuck yeah, right on my foot.

How's that place feel?

Yeah.

movement finger.

My clit.

Oh, your finger makes it fucking well.

Yeah.

Talk just like my pussy.

Yeah.

Oh, good boy.

Yeah, let's talk about that pussy juice, huh?

Fuck, that's good.

Oh, it's so good.

Fuck me, you worm. Come on. Sit like sissy.

Right there.

Yes.

Fuck me. Yeah.

Screw the worm.

Keep fucking me.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah,

that's it.

Good boy.

You want to start fucking me, huh?

Yeah.

You want to start fucking me, huh?

Yeah. You want to start fucking me, huh?

Yeah.

Look at that big cock going to that pussy, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's so good.

It's good, huh?

I'm in a big cock. It's so good. Oh, yes.

Good.

You're fucking me.

I guess we are. Uh -huh.

Oh, fuck yeah, please me.

Whatever place this is.

Yes. You?

Yeah. Yes.

Oh, God.

Come on. Fuck me. Yes.

Fuck me with that big cuck, huh? Yes.

Oh,

fuck yeah.

That's it.

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

Come on. Fuck me.

Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this. Fuck this.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

Uh -huh.

Yeah. Yes.

Fuck me.

Uh -huh. Mm -hmm. Yeah.

Me? Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

God, you're so good with me.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Yes. Uh -huh.

Yeah.

Oh, come on. Oh, fuck me.

Yes. Yes.

Oh,

yes.

You're fucking me so well. Let's just fuck me up next.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, I want to do this.

Yes.

Yes. I will. I will.

Yes. Yes.

Come on.

Mmm.

Yeah. Mmm.

That's it.

Oh.

God, yes.

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah, that's it.

You like big, big apples?

Yeah. Big cock?

Yes. Yes.

Oh, that's it. Oh.

Good boy, huh?

Oh, shit.

Whatever.

Cock, huh, in my ass?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Fuck me up. Yes.

It's a hard fucking cock in my ass.

Oh, good boy.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, no.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Good.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

That's it.

Oh.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Uh -huh. Yes.

Fuck me. Yes.

Fuck me hard. Fuck.

Yeah. Oh. Come on. Fuck that ass.

Come on. Come on.

Fuck it.

Yes. Fuck me. Come on.

Yeah. Yes. Uh -huh.

Oh. Do that.

Fucking cock inside my ass, huh?

Yes. Fill it with cum?

Yes.

Yes. Oh, fuck yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Put it on my ass.

Yeah, that's good.

Mmm.

Come on. Fuck me with that good cock.

Come on, baby. Yeah, come on over my ass.

Yes, here it comes.

Fuck.

Now, I want you to be completely honest with me.

What did you think of Hotel Erotica? This is by far the best Jennifer Wett

to date.

But I have to be completely honest here, okay? It is getting very, very hard for

independent publishers like me to stay in business.

Between all the new rules that the retailers and the distributors keep

down, I don't know what I'm going to do.

There's even one bookstore chain that's requiring your books to have a 50 % sell

-through rate. They just yank it right off the shelves.

At this point, I don't even know what I'm going to do. So what are you saying?

That you don't want to publish Hotel Erotica? Are you kidding me?

The Jennifer Wett series is the only thing keeping my head above water.

I'd be crazy not to publish this book.

Yes, but I can hear it in your voice right now.

You have a butt.

Go on. Give me your butt. Butt?

Listen, Gilbert, I need to find a way to increase revenue at least tenfold, and

I think I've come up with it.

Gilbert?

Gilbert, damn it, are you having another one of your hallucinations?

Jesus,

Gilbert, how many times have I told you to see a psychiatrist about this? God,

you're like a...

Dexterated Walter Mitty, for Christ's sake. Thank you very much. Maybe before

start to go ahead and dissect my psychosis, maybe we should get back to

little scheme here, this asinine idea. In case you don't remember, I am

Wett. It'd be really great for me to go into the public. Man, it's Jennifer

Wett. What are you thinking?

Gilbert, okay, I've already addressed that situation.

And as a matter of fact, the solution should be arriving very shortly. Don't

so fucking cryptic. Why don't you go ahead and tell me what the fucking plan

Listen, Gilbert.

Gilbert, I've hired an actress to portray you. Well, actually, to portray

Jennifer Webb.

Oh, God.

We've already hired somebody.

We've already hired somebody.

And you didn't even consult me? Listen, Gilbert, you haven't answered your

fucking phone in three months.

Well, I've been writing this book. And I've been promoting this book.

Apparently, you've promoted this whole damn promotion tour.

Listen, Gilbert, relax, okay?

It's just a few top radio show appearances, a couple of bookstore

okay? It's no big deal. Now, I'm sending you out with the young lady under the

pretense that you're her manager, okay? That way, you have complete control over

how Jennifer Wett is portrayed to the public. You seem awful desperate.

Desperate? Of course I'm desperate, Gilbert. I'm doing everything I can to

keep my fucking head above water here. Listen, you owe me one, okay? I took you

on when nobody gave a rat's ass about you. Nobody wanted to publish your

Nothing. I think that it's the least you can do is repay me this favor, okay?

Ah, and here she is now.

Hello, Herbie.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you, love? Listen, Gilbert, I'd like you to meet the lovely Hannah O

'Riordan. Oh, God, no.

What?

She's not an actress.

She's a hooker.

I am an actress?

Yeah.

Yeah? Well, I made you think that I was having a good time. And believe me, that

was one hell of a goddamn acting job.

Oh, God.

Sorry.

What the hell is wrong with him? Oh, he's hyperventilating again.

Here, Gilbert, take this and go to the bathroom and take care of yourself.

Christ.

Do you always carry extra bags around in your briefcase? Only when I'm meeting

with Gilbert.

So anyway, sweetie, how do you two know each other?

Oh, honey, I've got a story for you.

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

Thank you.

See? See?

See?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, your cup is so deep in my nose.

Oh,

yeah.

I love you.

Let me be the first to say that I don't like this idea. I'm doing this under

protest, you know.

If it wasn't for the fact that I'm doing a favor for Herbie, I wouldn't exactly

be here.

And I'm also going to keep you under a very short leash there, missy.

Gilbert, that turns me on.

None of that, none of that.

You're an erotic novelist, not a goddamn whore.

Oh, yeah, like there's a fucking difference.

Selling sex is selling sex.

Yes, well, you have a lot to learn about the world, missy. Maybe you can teach

me a thing or two.

And you know what?

If I'm a bad girl, you can spank me.

Glutz, man, you've got to learn to fucking lighten up a little bit.

You know, we're going to be spending a lot of time together.

Just because we don't like each other doesn't mean we can't have a little fun.

Here's to becoming wet.

Jennifer, wet.

So what time do we go to the radio station?

Later on this evening, we're on one of the national syndicated radio shows.

The Bob and Judy show. A very trite little show they have.

Bob and Judy.

Judy.

Just for once, I'd like to talk before we fuck.

All right.

What's on your mind today? Don't treat me like one of our callers. What? I

what's on your mind today, so I'm treating you like a caller?

I can't win with you sometimes.

Well, you know, this has been going on for way too long.

You told me over a year ago you were going to leave her. And I am.

These things just take time sometimes.

I mean, Susan's daddy is the number one divorce attorney in the state.

And I'd like to do this without losing everything that I own. But you are going

to divorce her, right?

I'd do anything not to lose you.

Oh.

Thank you.

God, you... Oh, God.

It's him.

It's him.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Give it to me.

Come on.

Oh, oh, oh.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

We're going to be late for the station.

Oh, shit, shit.

And welcome back to Hour 2 of the Bob and Judy Show, broadcast in all four

corners of the U .S. of A. from our communications facility in beautiful

Beach, Florida.

Our guest today, in case you're just joining us, is erotic novelist Jennifer

Wett, whose new book, Hotel Erotica, hit stands this week.

Now, Jennifer.

Just before the station break, you were getting ready to tell us how you became

a novelist of such theme -y stories.

Well, Judy, I was a pig farmer for many, many years.

And one day, I'm standing there, and I'm knee -deep in pig shit.

Can I say, can I say? Anyway, I'm standing there, and I'm knee -deep in

-doo. And I said, Jennifer, what is it that you really want to do with your

life? There's got to be a better way to make a living.

So I think, what is it that you enjoy doing?

Well... I enjoy ballering around in pig's lap and getting screwed until my

brains are oozing out of my ears.

Now, obviously, having sex is way more fun. So I packed up the truck and I

to New York City, where I became a very successful call girl.

And the new book is based on my experiences as a hooker.

I see.

How fascinating.

You know, I'm working on a new book, and it's all about my experiences on the

farm. It's called Squeal Like a Pig.

Actually, no.

She was just kidding. They're folk.

No. And today we're also joined by Gilbert Fitz, Jennifer's personal

Hello. Gilbert, tell me, what's it like working so closely with such a beautiful

and sexual woman as Jennifer?

But it's pretty hard to keep your hands off her at times. Actually, let me tell

you something, Bob.

You see, I don't think she would actually meet my high standards. In case

haven't noticed, or for that matter, if you've read any of her books, she is,

what do you call, a slut.

Jennifer, you write extensively about extramarital affairs.

How would you feel about a long -term affair outside of the marriage?

Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that...

Bob and I were having an affair.

He promises to leave his wife, but a year later, the coward still hasn't done

it.

What would you think of a hypothetical situation like that?

Well, Judy, I would say that Bob is just looking to have his cake and eat it,

too. Well, would you look at that. Well, folks, it's time for another station

break. We'll be back in one minute.

Four online booksellers are reporting brick sales, Gilbert.

Brick sales.

Now, I don't know what you two are doing down there, but keep it up because it's

working. Now, listen to me. Don't leave Miami Beach. Gilbert, listen to me.

Don't leave Miami Beach just yet, okay? Both of you need to get your butts down

to the radio station tonight at 9 o 'clock to do the Dr. Rene show.

Yes, okay, Herbie.

Later on this evening, the Dr. Rene show.

I'll let her know when she comes in. I'll write it down. Okay, thank you.

Guess what? That was her beyond the line. We have an engagement over at the

Renee show later on this evening. Oh, my God.

The Dr.

Renee show?

I am her biggest fan.

Oh, shit.

What's wrong?

Well, I kind of made plans for this evening.

Wait a minute. You've already made plans?

Well, just a couple of sweet guys I met down in the lobby.

What are you flipping tricks here? You're with me.

Well, excuse me. I know you're God's gift to women and everything.

But a girl has got to make a living.

Yes, well, Herbie does pay you to be with me.

Well, not in a sexual sense.

Well, you are compensated to... Yeah, to pretend I'm something I'm not.

And whether it's pretending to be Jennifer Wett or pretending to like

the Star Spangled Banner with a fucking dildo shoved up my ass, it still pays my

rent and it still buys my fucking groceries.

And you know what? It all washes away in the morning with soap and water.

Yeah, well...

While you're singing the Star Spangled Banner with a dildo up your ass,

apparently I'm the only one getting fucked here.

Absolutely, Dr. Rene. I really think that it is easier for women to indulge

their bisexual behavior more than it is for men.

It's a paradox, really.

Women aren't as stigmatized by sex as men. But yet, at the same time, sex can

such a commodity for women. How so?

Women use sex in so many different ways, as a means of security, as a way of

expressing their love, as a way of

My pussy's grabbing my finger.

Yeah,

like that.

You like that?

You like that?

Yeah, that's fucking hard.

So fucking good.

Hard.

Hard four times over.

What do you think hard four times harder?

Harder. Harder.

Fucking hard.

Tighten your pussy on my cunt.

Oh, fuck my cunt.

Open your legs and let me in.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

fuck yes.

Thank you.

So the answer to your question is yes.

Women have always been more secure with their sexuality than men.

It's just always been that way.

Well, thanks for being with us.

Well, thank you for having me.

There you are.

How are you doing today? Would you like to join me for a drink?

Sorry, no can do.

Ah, I forgot.

My bad.

I should have known those two gentlemen that you've met.

Apparently the circus is in town and the midgets are out running around looking

for whores. So you guys go ahead and go up to your hotel room and have

unprotected sex.

Thank you very much. I will.

Don't wait up for me. I won't be late.

Yeah, I won't wait up for you.

You'll probably come out of a small car, them and 35 of their friends.

You know what my girlfriend's doing right now?

She's upstairs.

Two guys she's never even met before.

Not big guys, small guys. You could wear them on a charm bracelet.

Yeah, she's having fun all right.

But she could have more fun.

Right here.

Hello. Hello.

Tell me, if I was to, say, give you a quarter, would you sit on my face and

me guess your weight?

Two hundred bucks. I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you.

I think that could be arranged.

Be gentle.

That's it, baby. Come on. Yeah.

Ah,

yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh,

yes.

Oh, God. Oh,

fuck you.

Oh,

God.

Oh, yes.

No.

Oh God. Oh God.

Oh fuck!

Yeah.

Oh,

fuck you.

Oh,

fuck

you.

Oh, fuck.

Yes.

Oh,

God.

Oh, fuck you. Fuck

my pussy.

Oh, yeah.

I don't get it.

Thank you.

No. No.

um um

Oh, yeah.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck

my pussy, baby.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Get out of my face.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so much is going to come all over.

Oh, God.

It's so good, baby.

Yeah,

yeah. Oh,

yeah.

that's it oh

yeah

oh that's it

Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.

Oh, yeah, that's it. Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh,

yeah, that's awesome.

God, yes!

Oh, that's okay.

Yeah.

Does anybody ever tell you it's bad form to sleep with the Johns, honey?

Get the fuck out of here!

Excuse me, there seems to be a little mistake here. What the hell's going on?

least I had the good decency to do my dirty business elsewhere.

Yes, well, speaking of dirty business, look exactly what you do for a living.

How dare you criticize me!

You are the most sexually dysfunctional person I have ever met!

You have these bizarre sexual hallucinations!

You pig! for sex rather than invest in a real relationship with a woman. And to

top it all off, you write fuck books for a living using a woman's name because,

God forbid, if the world knew that a man can have a meaningful insight into sex.

I think you might be off base on that one. I don't think you've really hit

mark. Where are you going? I'm going home.

I should have never accepted this job in the first place, and I'm tired of your

shit. What is it with men?

Okay, okay, okay.

Wait, wait, wait. Before you go, before you go, I'm going to go ahead and tell

you. Most men will not tell you this. They won't be this honest to you,

especially not the clients that you're with.

The fact of the matter is men don't really like women. I'm not saying that

hate women. They just really don't like them.

It's kind of like cats and dogs, okay?

They tolerate each other, but they really don't get along, you know?

And it's mainly because, well...

You guys are like aliens to us, okay?

Foreign, okay? You're like the French. We really don't understand you too much.

I mean, let's face it. How is it that a woman can bleed for seven days and not

die?

You're from Mars and I'm from Venus.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Amazing.

I'm an enigma.

I'm a riddle.

I'm alone.

Honey

Very

nice very good Of

course

the

End. Very nice.

It is time to celebrate.

With the arrangement,

you stay there.

Excellent escorts. Helga speaking.

Hello, hello. Yes, this is Gilbert.

Helga. Hello. Hi.

The usual, please.

I have a celebration.