Original subtitles

Can Your Excellency?

Aramari, today is the day you adopt little orphan Sammy.

True, most certainly.

But of course, the plot begins to unfold.

I wonder what he is like.

Golly, Sammy, are we ever going to miss you? Oh, that goes double for me. But

don't be sad.

I'll come to visit you.

Sammy, you're so sweet.

But I won't be here. I'm transferring to the Red Cross.

That's super and very American of you to help folks who can't help themselves to

coffee and all those swell -free donuts.

Wow. Sammy, you're so sweet and you're so kind and you're so thoughtful.

And since I'll never see you again, would you?

Oh, sure.

Leaping lizards. It's a pleasure to serve you. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

the nurse, Sammy. Let me serve you.

Oh.

Golly, Randy.

We sure have made some great friends here at the orphanage.

Gee whiz. Oh.

Gee.

Oh, that's swell.

Oh.

Drink.

My oil, my chauffeur, and my apprentice.

We must get ready for the little innocent.

Beep, blizzards!

As you know, this is the day we have been waiting for.

This innocent little orphan will give us entree to that filthy capitalist pig,

Daddy Sawbucks.

We would not have to go into the alternate plan if the hills

here had contained the entire formula.

Well, this is no press conference.

So, go bring the rented limo around.

Nuda!

You will stay here and oil up your charms.

So tonight when you dance before the Sultan, I mean the filthy capitalist

you will melt him, no?

No.

And you, Miss Maid.

You will stay here and help Nuda.

You will spread her nubile and luscious body with all my exotic oils and

perfumes.

You will oil her well, you hot little wench.

Tonight we must be, how you say,

slippery.

And while that young boy is in the house, you will please stop playing with

yourself.

We don't want to make him suspicious, yeah?

Yeah. Do.

Ridiculous. No.

Sammy, well, it's time for your last examination.

Gee, Doc, that's true.

Shame you have to leave us. We're going to miss you so much.

Oh, golly, I'll come back to visit you.

Oh, but darling, I won't be around. I'm doing volunteer work for a birth control

clinic. Oh, that's super and very American to help control those poor

keep having so many kids.

Golly, you'll save Uncle Sam a heap of welfare money.

You're such a good boy.

Stand up, dear.

Turn your head and cough.

Oh, Sammy.

Since we'll probably never meet again.

Gosh, Doc.

You know, I'd volunteer to do anything for you.

Don't touch me.

Don't! Don't! Don't touch me.

Don't!

Oh, Sammy, you're so good.

Golly. Oh, so kind, so hard.

Oh.

Gee,

Doc, I just love your exercises. I never knew keeping tip -top shape could feel

so good.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. And the harder you try, the better it gets.

Oh, that's right. Try harder. Oh, Sam.

Wow.

Leafy. Lizard.

Golly.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Gee.

Oh, gee whiz.

Wow. Oh. Doc.

Oh, wow.

Randy. What?

Randy. What?

Ollie, Doc, I better be going. But don't worry. I'll keep doing your exercises

every day. I think they're great. It's the American way to stay in shape.

Bye -bye.

Leave the lizards, Randy.

We sure have made some swell friends.

But sometimes I wonder about our oldest and truest friend.

We don't want to forget him, do we?

Right. But it's super that we've made such true blue friends.

And golly, they all like playing with me.

Come on.

Come in, please.

Come on, Randy.

You are, dear boy.

I wanted to make sure that we had enough time to say goodbye.

Leaf and lizards, Major. I wouldn't have left without saying a special goodbye

to you.

Oh, Sammy.

My little Sammy.

Let me look at you.

You're not so little anymore, are you? You're such a big boy.

I can remember the time when you and Randy first came to us.

You were so small and lovable, clutching your little suitcase.

And now you're almost a man.

You were like a son to me.

And now I'm going to miss you so much. Oh, gee, Matron.

Oh, call me Marion, dear boy.

Oh, gee.

Marion, don't cry.

I'll come to visit you.

I'm afraid that's impossible, my darling.

I'm transferring to a home for the aged.

Oh, that's super and very American of you to look after old people. They're so

helpless and they get ripped off so easily.

Yes, but you're so good, Sammy. And since we may never meet each other

would you? Oh, sure.

Leaping lizard. I'm always ready.

Oh, hard man.

Oh, it's really nothing.

Oh, no, it's really something.

It's something.

Oh, and we all love you, Sam. All of us.

It's so nice and very American to be able to help your friends, ain't it,

And it feels so good. Just help me a little bit longer, please, Sammy.

But I sort of hope that's the last goodbye.

Saying goodbye can be kind of exhausting sometimes.

Besides, that nice lady who's adopted us will be here before you can say Jack

Robinson.

Jack Robinson.

Randy.

Hmm. This must be our date now.

Open the door for the American dream.

You must be the nice lady that's going to adopt us.

Well, darling boy, you must be my Sammy, yeah?

You will get in.

Please. Oh, leaf and lizard, sure.

Golly, you're beautiful.

But you talk funny.

I went to grandma.

Oh. Home, Doc.

Wow.

Golly.

Leaping. Lizards.

Randy, this sure is a neat room, huh?

Oh, golly, miss, I could have carried that for you. You didn't have to.

I like to help people. It's okay. I don't want you to strain yourself for

anything. Is there anything I can do for you? I mean, anything at all?

Maybe a rub?

Help you relax a little?

Oh, gee, no, ma 'am. I can unpack it all myself.

Is there something I can do for you?

Well...

Maybe some other time, huh?

Sure, any time, ma 'am.

Randy, come here, Randy.

Gee, Randy.

You know, these folks are sort of peculiar, but I guess that's what makes

so interesting and America so great. All different kinds, all living together.

The big and the small, the red and the black, the bad and the beautiful, the

naked and the dead.

But there are some that stand shoulders in... head above everyone else, and such

a man as Daddy Sawbucks.

I wonder where he is and how he is.

Will our trails cross again?

Oh, well, wherever he is, he loves us, he's doing the best he can for his

country, and so are we.

Oh, beautiful!

Oh, spacious skies!

You getting all that, Miss Tate?

Of course, Mr. Sawbucks.

Good. As I was saying.

As I was saying.

You were saying, what a dump.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course.

What a dump.

What other nation could produce such a dump?

Such vast, unequaled volumes.

Such magnificent debris.

Such dirty amounts of... Garbage?

Garbage?

Garbage mistake!

Good old American garbage!

Cans! Glass!

Papers!

Sanitary napkins!

Oh! Oh, great heaps! Oh, magnificent debris!

Oh, the filthy, incredible waste of the great old U .S. of A., Punjab!

No, no, Punjab!

It may reek, but it is worth, it's worth... Your entire fortune, sir?

That's right.

Billions. I've spent every cent of my self -made fortune buying up every scrap

of garbage in this great and good nation.

Do you know what that means?

From sea to shining sea, it's all mine.

I've cornered the market on garbage.

13 million acres.

12 .8, sir.

12 .8 million acres.

And do you know why?

My silent friend.

Since Punja took a solemn oath in the Trappist monastery where she grew to

womanhood to remain forever silent until she should find her long -lost brother,

it seemed somewhat rhetorical to ask her questions.

It seems to me, Miss Tate, that her oath of silence might well be followed by

others.

Now, as I was saying,

What was I saying, Miss Take?

Thirteen million acres.

Twelve point eight, sir.

Twelve point eight million acres.

And do you know why, my silent friend?

Right. Because some little dark race is squatting out there on some sand dunes

thinking they've got this great nation by the old testicles.

Balls. Testicles.

Balls. Good old American balls.

No bunch of faggots running around in bed sheets is going to squeeze our

corporate balls.

No. I'm going to take this good American garbage and turn it into oil.

Oil, brother.

How's that for good old American know -how? You getting all this down, Miss

Tate? I don't want that committee calling me shifty when they subpoena

tapes. Except for the 18 -minute gap which you ordered, sir. Everything else

perfectly clear. And we're going to keep it that way.

Punja, we are going to let those fellas keep that black muck.

Let them choke on it.

This great nation is going to have all the energy it needs from this.

From all of this.

Everything will be as it should be.

Except... I wonder where he is.

My little orphan, Sammy.

And how he is.

And if he is, will he come back to me?

Will our trails ever cross again?

Oh, well.

Wherever he is, he loved me.

Capitalist International Associates.

Daddy Sawbuck's division. Good afternoon. May I help you?

Oh, yes, I see.

Mr. Sawbuck, it's for you, a lady.

I got no time for bimbos. You know that mistake.

Yes, sir. But, sir, she says she's adopted little orphan Sammy.

Jump and jump.

At last, my Sammy.

What? Oh, sh... Shit.

I beg your pardon.

No, I beg yours.

Sorry, I begged yours first.

True, but it was I who said, oh, shit.

I beg your pardon.

No, I beg... Oh, Judy, I understand you adopted little orphan Sammy.

That is correct.

That, huh?

That's what I said.

That's what I thought you said. You talk funny.

I went to Brenois.

Oh, fine school.

A little radical, but in the great tradition.

Thank you for calling. Wait a minute.

I beg your pardon? Let's not start that again.

I have adopted little orphan Sammy.

I have him here in mine house, and I know he would love to see you.

Is that terrific?

You must bring little orphan Sammy over to mine house tonight.

I'll show you how grateful I can be. I'm sure you will.

What was that? I said the most certainly will.

Good. You bring the wine.

Fool.

Impotent capitalist tool. He has spent billions devising a formula to turn date

into petrochemicals. Imagine garbage into oil.

But tonight...

They will pull the capitalist pig's pork, so to speak.

And I will find where the secret tapes are hidden.

Then, then I have them in my greedy but beautiful hands.

The world will pay me billions, billions, billions, billions.

9, 10, 11, 12,

13,

14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21,

22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28,

29, 30.

At last, Little Orphan Sammy is back.

How wonderful for you, sir.

Oh, jumping jams. I want to give that kid the world.

Garbage. A whole world of garbage.

He'll be so proud of you, sir.

Damn right.

Excuse me, Miss T. I got carried away.

Would you like me to delete that expletive, sir?

Yes, ma 'am. I don't want them to get the wrong impression.

I want to bring Little Orphan Sammy out here to see all of this.

We'll make a surprise party. How's my schedule for time, Miss P?

Oh, you have an hour free next month, sir?

On a Thursday.

How did that happen?

Your hairstylist is going on vacation, sir.

Oh.

Oh, sir, may I remind you of the time?

Jumping germs.

Rev up the engine, Punjab. We're going to go home to see little orphan Sammy.

Hey, listen.

You two.

I want you to keep your eyes on that lady who adopted little orphan Sammy.

She might have learned to talk that way at Bryn Mawr, but I smell a... Come on.

Oh, shit.

That's how I met Daddy Sawbucks, and a better example of good old Yankee common

sense you'll never run across.

I think it's time for my milk, Randy.

Oh!

and lizards randy that lady i mean golly she must be attacking the bell

telephone company hey you can't i mean you mustn't mess with ma bell's linemen

like that they have to get their jobs done quickly and efficiently ma 'am

sammy doll baby

oh but why

didn't you ask I'm always obliging, but you can't expect to go around blowing

American labor on their job.

Tonight,

my little Nudo from Bermuda, you will warm up Zarbuck's. No?

Then... I will finish him off, if you know what I mean.

Da? Yeah? Your job is to crack the icy exterior of his

stupid secretary.

He must get the formula, no matter what it costs.

Da, do!

Hey, what about me, man? I mean, I got to get a little.

You know?

I must hold you in reserve in the absurd situation. case I might fail, which is

impossible.

Ridiculous, no?

Yes. I mean, how long are you going to make me wait?

I got an itch.

I got to get it off.

Oh, all right.

You Latins are so impatient.

While we wait, you may do a little da.

Do da.

The duo.

Oh, the...

No.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Thank you.

Mm.

Mm.

I love you.

Mm -hmm. Uh -huh.

Thank you.

Sammy.

Golly. Shucks.

Sleeping lizards.

Jumping germs.

Gee whiz. Oh, Jiminy Crickets.

Golly, it's good to see you. You bet.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, Sammy.

Enough of this. I am famished. Come.

Come, one and all, and share my humble table and break bread with me.

And after, we will show our appreciation with a, how you say, dance

of the belly.

I've got a feeling you want something from me.

What is it?

Doom.

Da -doom.

Oh, it is something.

No, no, no, really, it's nothing. Oh, yes, yes, it is something.

Well, perhaps to a chipmunk.

Oh, this chipmunk.

We'll let them fall where they may.

Believe me, lady, it's nothing.

Oh, believe me.

Oh, it is something.

It's hardly worth the climb.

Oh, it is something, I know.

Oh, are you in for a surprise?

Are you sure there isn't something you wanted from me?

Hmm?

Golly, Randy, wouldn't it be great if Dad and Sawbuck's out of mind to get it

together?

What do you think?

Yeah,

me too.

Dad, please don't be afraid to tell me.

You can tell me anything.

Anything.

Da, what does da mean?

I tell you, it is something.

I'm telling you, it's definitely nothing.

He is right.

It is nothing.

What couldn't I do for Nuda?

Nuda got the...

I could have sworn there was something you wanted from me.

Huh?

And that, my good woman, is why I can't be seduced. And any man who can't be

seduced is capable of unlimited productivity.

How's that for know -how? Good old American, get up and go.

It does not go far.

But there must be something you, shall we say, fuck

no?

Nothing, you evil woman, you.

Do not say nothing.

And I think I know what your little perversion might be.

Wait.

Where did you get that unusual tattoo?

It's just like punching.

Noodle -like.

Punch -up better than that.

Oh, God.

Money. I've been found out.

Money. Money.

I've got to get off.

It is always the money that makes them sperm.

Oh, I thought we met again with the filthy loser.

And Big Daddy is no exception.

I've never had a jam, Bob.

It is ridiculous.

Yes.

Oh, now it's my turn, capitalist pork.

I want to cover you with it. I want to cover you all over with it. Your tits,

your tongue, your tush, your twat, your thighs, your toes.

Oh, I want to cover you all over with it. With its sexiness, with its

beautifulness, with its powerfulness, with its moneyness.

No, you don't, Daddy Starbucks.

Who do you think I am?

You must give me what I want.

Anything, anything I have.

Everything? Anything? I want to cover you with its beautifulness, with its

powerfulness, with its sexiness, with its moneyness. Oh, shut up.

You must give me the formula. The formula that turns garbage into oil.

Anything.

Anything. Anything but that.

Then you shall never touch me with your dirty money.

Golly.

Randy, I just had this bad dream. Our country is threatened by something

awful.

You had it too, huh?

All right, all right.

You win.

What difference does garbage make when a guy's got to get off?

There.

Give the formula.

Oh, stop the formula.

Oh. God, oh.

It's unpatriotic to walk on the faces of our...

Presidents.

There's

money

all over the floor.

Something terrible must have happened.

That's queer.

A three dollar bill.

Sammy! What are you doing here?

You should be in bed like all good American boys.

Not when my country is being threatened.

And who is doing that?

Well, I'm afraid...

I mean, golly, finding that trail of money and all, and it leads straight to

and leaping lizards. You're covered with it.

That ain't the American way.

So I guess you must be doing something awful wrong.

You got no respect for the president's faces.

How do you know this, my Sammy?

Because, well, golly, you got money sticking out of your ass.

I'm sorry, but leaping lizards, I gotta turn you in.

Oh, please, my Sammy.

Oh, be a good boy.

I know I have done the wrong thing, but

since we will never meet again, would you?

Could you?

Gosh, ma 'am.

It's the American way to help your enemies when they're down.

I'd do this for anybody.

Oh, Sammy.

Oh, you are so... Oh, I can't begin to tell you.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh! I think I'm in love.

Small?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yes.

Golly, I sure am glad to help, ma 'am.

Isn't it great that the good old American way feels so good?

Oh. Oh, yes, Danny.

Oh,

you bet.

And I'll never be the same again.

Oh, my God, I lost my accent.

Nobody can resist the good old American way.

Once America fucks you, you're fucked.

Oh, no one can resist America.

And no one can resist you, Sammy.

My little American dream.

And what's more important...

Now you're a real American.

Punja. Punja, look what I found.

His tattoo.

It's just like yours.

My long lost brother.

Brother.

Oh, don't knock it.

A happy ending is the American way.

like this before.

Not with anyone.

Ever!

Golly, ma 'am. That goes double for me.

I just want you to know, I only worked here.

And a guy's got to make a buck, right?

It's a rat race, you know.

But it's the American way.

I'm not complaining.

What the hell?

I'm getting a hell of a lot of overtime.

Wake up, America.

This is big old Daddy Sawbucks talking to you.

We gotta shape up.

We can't let old Glory down.

And I'm sure that all of you people sitting out there in those dark theaters

will agree with little orphan Sammy that the American way is the best way.

Oh, yes, Big Daddy. I agree.

I agree.

Oh. Leaf and lizard.

Yeah. And the family that plays together stays together.