Original subtitles

♫ Oh, the old oaken bucket

♫ The iron-bound bucket

♫ The moss-covered bucket

♫ That hangs in the well

George, I think it was pretty mean of you

to drag us out and leave all our guests flat

you didn't drag us out?

Well, I didn't invite them

You didn't even know them?

they've only been there for three days

Wait a minute, I'll be back in a minute, honey

What do you want?

What time is it?

I said, where we going?

That isn't what you said before

♫ Oh, we're going to Wall Street to see Old Man Topper

♫ Iron-bound Topper

♫ That moss-covered Topper

♫ That I promised to meet him at his bank

♫ for the annual meeting of the board of directors

♫ at 10:30 in the morning

Too many words, honey

that's what I thought

Well, let's see It's 10:00 now

And it takes a half an hour to drive in.

And the meeting's at 10:30 in the morning.

That leaves 12 hours for

for a night of complete rest.

So this is how one starts getting a night's rest?

My pet, resting is the sort of thing

you've gotta work up to gradually

It's very dangerous to rest all of a sudden.

Come on, darling.

Mr. Kerby is here, hurry.

We have a nice big size table for you.

Over there

Come on, the music's swell.

What?

I said the music's swell!

Can't hear you, but I love the music.

That's what I said.

May I cut in?

Is this the way in?

Looks like it.

- Well, how do we get out?

Honey, you slide in and they carry you out.

Where I go, you go.

No, hey, wait for me.

Don't forget to write.

Gentle George.

Deceitful George.

♫ Old Man Moon wake up now

Quiet

♫ 'Cause I've fallen in love

♫ Go spread the news to all the stars above

♫ Shine for my baby while we're dancing tonight

♫ And fill her tender eyes with love and dynamite

and look at the time.

Look at the time, the end.

♫ In a bottle of wine

♫ Just do your darnedest to make sure

♫ That she'll be mine

Please, Mr. Kerby.

Take your girl home, please.

♫ To keep shining 'til noon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon

Look, Mr. Kerby, you are my best customer.

And I appreciate that.

Maybe you got no home.

Maybe you don't need sleep.

But me, I have a home

and I need to have some sleep

All right, Tony.

Just one more chorus.

You're telling me the same story for the last hour

I get-a sick and tired of hearing that song

over and over again

♫ With love or dynamite

♫ Old Man Moon keeps stardust in a bottle of wine

♫ Just do your darnedest to make sure

Yes, good night!

Maybe the poor man's tired

I don't know why he should be tired

We did all the singing

♫ And if it's possible to keep shining 'til noon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, dear

♫ Old Man Moon

Good night Hoagy!

- So long, see you next time.

- Come on, clean up.

♫ Old Man Moon

♫ Old Man Moon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

Get in, honey.

♫ Oh, Old Man Moon

Ah, Jimmy

Did we keep you waiting long?

that's all right.

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon

♫ Old Man Wilson

Old Man Wilson, that squares us up

for the whole week.

Right, Mr. Kerby.

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon

Hey, George, is this 10:30 in the morning?

No, this is Topper's bank.

Honey, do me a favor.

What?

Shut my eyes.

I'll shut your mouth.

You going to a costume ball?

What do you think this is, an auto camp?

Crosspatch, crosspatch.

C'mon, get out of here now.

You can't sleep here.

I'm not sleeping.

Talk to him about it.

He seems to be doing it all

Who have you dug up now?

I didn't dig him up.

He dug us up.

Make him go away.

I can't, it's a C-O-P.

C-O-P?

Tell him we don't want any.

Flies

C'mon, get out of here now. You can't sleep here.

we're not sleeping, we're waiting.

Waitin' for what?

For the annual meeting of the board of directors

of that there bank.

There's nobody in there.

Maybe they're late.

You see, you can't argue with him.

No, I can't, eh?

Now I wanna tell you something

See what you can do with this instead.

of all the

Temper.

It's three minutes after 8:00, sir.

all right, Wilkins.

Do you realize that most men don't get

chased out of the water like trained seals?

Most men can dawdle in their shower.

You are not most men, sir.

Why can't I be most men?

Because you are Mr. Topper, sir.

And Mrs. Topper insists.

It's four minutes past

We dress now

We dress now, yeah

You're late.

better late than never.

Only 44 seconds anyhow.

Can't that fella wait until

I tell him what I want?

Because you always have the same thing.

Supposing one morning I were to take a notion

to battle a trout

or some oatmeal or something?

Where would we be then?

Don't be silly.

I've taken great pains to arrange your diet properly.

You need sulphur, and eggs have sulphur.

Don't dally, dear.

James tells me you had

to run for the train yesterday.

I did; I ran fast too.

I caught the very last step.

The very last step? Outrageous.

What is outrageous about running for a train, dear?

Lots of men do it.

Yes, clerks and bookkeepers who come

to the depot in a bus to catch the 7:45.

But for the president of the bank to arrive in a limousine

to take the banker's special,

and then to run all over the platform like a silly chicken.

I didn't run like a silly chicken.

I ran beautifully.

Besides, you know how you puff when you run.

Of course I puff. Everybody puffs.

You puff yourself, Clara.

I remember that day Cosmo, please.

Don't be vulgar.

And I don't care if you are well-preserved for your age.

You look anything but dignified when you run.

And I won't have you climbing aboard

the banker's special all out of breath.

8:42 sir.

Don't run, dear.

It's 8:45, Mr. Topper.

You know, it is a good morning too, isn't it?

I haven't enjoyed it though.

don't you feel all right?

I don't feel all right.

I feel a million years old.

You, old?

Why, you'll never grow old, Mr. Topper.

No? I think you grow

younger every year.

I'd rather grow younger every day.

Anything special this morning?

No, but Mrs. Topper phoned me to be sure

that you go to lunch promptly at 12:00.

Did she tell you what I was to eat?

It's all right, I'll remember.

The directors are all waiting in the board room.

All of them?

All except Mr. Kerby.

He promised me faithfully...

He's not here.

I phoned his penthouse and their Long Island place.

Neither of them had been home all night.

I suppose not.

We'll probably have to get a detective to

locate him the way we did last year.

If he should turn up, ask him please to come in

and sign the minutes at least

My word

Fine place to sleep, isn't it?

Gentlemen, we will as usual conduct our annual meeting

without the presence of our largest stockholder, Mr. Kerby

Weather clear, track fast

I made it

- The meeting will please come to order.

Very gratifying to have you with us, Mr. Kerby.

I will read the annual statement

that is ready for publication if approved by this board

and you, Mr. Kerby.

"Cash on hand in federal reserve bank

"and due from banks and bankers: $660,220,262

"and 99 cents.

"Bullion abroad and in transit:

$13,202,854 and no cents."

No cents.

I just said that, Mr. Kerby.

So did I.

To continue.

"Acceptances: $47,501,324 and 36 cents.

"Less own acceptances held for investments:

"$7,986,449 and 39 cents.

"Which totals for $39,514,874 and 97 cents."

Just goes to sleep from going to those wild parties.

Then you come here to sleep.

Just hold the car, please.

I'll be back in a couple of days.

Get a load of the fur-bearing blond.

If you're looking for your husband

no, I know where he is.

In there dummying up the directors' meeting.

But if you happen to see him looking for someone

remind him that it's me, will you?

And tell him where I am.

my goodness.

She's gone into his private office.

"Lobbies and endorsements and acceptances

"and foreign bills: $3,014,142 and no cents.

"Deposits: $1,709,643,127 and 39 cents.

"Liabilities and endorsements and outstanding checks:

"35,166,883 and 36 cents.

"Total: $1,744,910,010 and 75 cents

♫ The old oaken bucket

♫ The iron-bound bucket

"Balance: $2,086,978,810 and 17 cents."

Now, if you gentlemen will agree this

report is satisfactory for publication-

It can't be done

I beg your pardon. I don't understand why

it can't be done.

Look, try it

You try writing your name upside down

and backwards without stopping.

- I move we adjourn.

I second the motion.

Carried

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me,

I have a great deal of business on my desk

that I wish to attend to at once.

Whew

Moss-covered bucket!

Write your name backwards.

It can't be done.

No sense.

George Kerby's a nitwit if ever I saw one.

Confound him.

Psst

Don't "psst" at me.

Go ahead and psst at him.

I think it's cute.

- Why, I didn't know you were here.

don't apologize.

If you're confounding George,

I think you're absolutely right.

But you only have to put up with him once a year.

Think of me, I have to live with him.

I guess I love it.

Please don't misunderstand. I like George.

I'm very fond of him.

And he's fond of you too.

In fact, we both are.

No, please, no.

You know, Topper, you were awfully silly

not to come to our anniversary party.

It was a swell one.

Laughter for days.

In fact, I think it's

it might be still going on.

I bet it was fun, yeah.

Mrs. Topper... doesn't approve.

She- We had another engagement.

You understand, don't you?

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

Why don't you stop being a mummy

for a few minutes and come to life?

Of course there's nothing wrong in being a mummy

if you had any fun in getting that way-

But I- I didn't, you see.

No, I can tell that by the

way you're staring at my knees.

Why, I-I never stared at a knee in my life.

That's probably just what's wrong with you.

Of course, I, I suppose I do envy

the way you and George do things.

But it would never do for me,

for a man in my position.

Then as Mrs. Topper says-

as Mrs. Topper says.

That's the situation and the box it came in.

Never mind. I found her.

She's running the bank.

What's the matter with him?

He's old enough to know what's the matter with him.

"Liabilities, no cents, assets. "

Topper, I know just the thing for the two of us.

Where is it?

But something's biting the man,

eating him from the inside.

Maybe termites.

What sort of a woman is Mrs. Topper?

Don't tell me I'll guess

Is she the horsey type?

The tennis type?

I know. She's the kin type.

Arranges your diets, fixes your clothes,

tells you what you'll eat and where you'll go.

Well, to a certain extent, yes.

Where do you keep it?

Keep what?

The bottle.

Don't tell me there isn't a bottle here?

Of course there isn't a bottle.

This is a business office.

Business is all right,

but don't you think that's carrying business too far?

Come on Marion, let's roll.

I don't wanna leave Topper.

Somehow I feel if I could pull him apart,

I could put him together again and he'd work much better.

Topper, take my advice.

Don't let her make a guinea pig out of you.

You'll never be the same again.

So long.

Mrs. Kerby's handkerchief.

I'm ready, Mr. Topper.

A.H. Greg & Company, 80 Milk Street, Boston, Mass.

Dear sir, yours is the ninth received and

Fascinating woman, Marion Kerby, isn't she?

She reminds me of an Easter egg I had as a small boy.

An Easter egg?

One of those frosty ones, you know, with a peephole in it.

You looked through and saw an angel.

I wonder why Marion Kerby reminds me of an angel.

yes, where were we?

Maybe we'd better start over.

The angel was a blond too.

You're driving us crazy way out here.

I mean, you're crazy to drive us way out here.

We could be at the apartment sleeping our ears off.

The apartment's too close to that bank.

It's in the same city.

Why do you pick on the bank?

It doesn't pick on you.

No, but that stuffed egg that runs it does.

Stuffed eggs, I love 'em

You never know what's in 'em till you take a bite.

Take a bite out of Topper for me once

and crack your teeth.

Why do you love him so?

Because he bores me stiff.

He's like an unsuccessful sheep

don't say that

Topper has very interesting possibilities, maybe.

Well, so does a sheep.

It can be chopped or hash or soup.

That fits, doesn't it, George?

Offhand, I'd say, what are you talking about?

You know, all mixed up.

All he needs is a little straightening out,

and I can do it to him, can't I George?

listen, the last time you tried

straightening a guy out, you cost me 10 grand.

Not this time, my foot's down.

If you ask me, I'd say it was down too far.

I nearly skinned my eyebrows on the trees that time.

My pet, if you were driving the car

there wouldn't be any trees.

You'd have plowed 'em up.

You remember what happened to the last car we had?

Sure, you drove it into a meat market.

No, the one before that.

Well, I can't remember that far back.

What? There's something in my eye.

Something in your eye?

Be careful Look out

You'll never make it, George!

I guess I'll never hear the last of this.

look at my car.

Look at my hat

And I got a run in my stockings.

Look at that.

I told you to slow up, but would you?

Can I help it if a tire blows out?

Besides, I had something in my eye.

Couldn't have been your driving, could it?

I've come around that curve much faster lots of times.

So have you.

You're getting transparent.

You're fading.

Say, that's funny.

I can see through you too.

who's that?

That's us. You know something, George?

I think we're dead.

I think you're right.

It's funny, I don't feel any different.

No, neither do I

Now I wonder what happens.

I don't know

I suppose pretty soon we'll hear trumpets,

and then off we go

I hope we go together, honey.

So do I

No trumpets

No, no trumpets.

Marion, what do you suppose is the

conventional thing to do now?

I don't know

We've never been conventional

I think we tell someone our good deeds

and then they open up the beautiful gates

and let us through

Yes, but what good deeds have you done?

Name one

Well, I've

Hey, what good deeds have you done?

At least we haven't done any bad ones, honey.

Yes, but that's not enough,

and I'm afraid it's too late now.

And I'm afraid that for once in our, uh-

for once, we're stuck.

George, maybe not.

Maybe if we could do a good deed now, and

You're fading.

Didn't you think the lamb was especially good?

Yes, of course it was good.

Why must we always have lamb on Sundays?

You like lamb, don't you?

Yes, I like it, but couldn't we have it on some other day?

Say Tuesday or Thursday.

We have beef on Tuesday and boiled vegetables on Thursday.

sparrows

Why do you use that silly word?

Because you won't let me swear like a gentleman.

Cosmo, what has come over you lately?

You've been acting so strange and moody.

Not at all like your usual self.

I don't know.

Ever since the Kerby tragedy, I've been thinking.

Clara, life is so very short

and we get so very little out of it.

Don't you realize, we're middle age?

But why should we be middle age?

After all, we're not so very much older

than the Kerbys were.

And look how carefree they were, how full of life.

I can hardly realize they've gone.

Poor George.

Poor Marion.

Poor Marion?

Of course, I never saw her,

but from what I've heard of her

she never thought of anything in her whole life

except how to paint her pretty face

and wag her figure about.

She used to think about me.

don't be foolish.

I shudder to think what kind of a ninny

you'd make if you didn't have me to stop you.

There's a man outside, sir.

He wishes to see you about

a contraption he's brought with him.

Well, here she is, Mr. Topper.

Just as good as the day she was bought.

I've got a list of the things I've done to her.

Now, you see here, I put in a brand-new front axle.

No use trying to repair them things.

Well, she's something, isn't it?

How much you think we could sell it for?

it's pretty hard to tell, Mr. Topper.

It ain't like trying to sell just any car.

You gotta find the right party.

You mean, someone who hasn't heard of the wreck.

Some people are superstitious.

I mean, somebody who will fit it, kind of.

What do you mean, fit it?

take yourself.

You could never own a car like this.

No, I suppose not.

Why couldn't I?

Well, for one thing, the missus,

she don't care for anything flashy, does she?

Mrs. Topper runs the household,

and very efficiently too.

But when it comes to buying cars-

Of course I never wanted to buy a car like this, but

if I did want to buy a car like this,

I'd buy a car like this.

How do I look?

you look swell, Mr. Topper.

You bet I do.

I fit it too.

Fit it just like a kid glove, you know.

for heaven's sake, Cosmo!

What are you doing in that horrible contrap

that horrible thing?

Sitting in it, dear.

Just sitting.

Just sitting?

You look like a whatnot.

As a matter of fact

I'm thinking of buying it.

Buying it?

Buying that circus wagon?

of all the absurd.

Cosmo, you must be dithering.

I thought it'd be fun to drive my own car

weekends, anyways.

Of course, I suppose you're old enough

to know your own mind, but-

Clara, we used to play together once, and we could again.

We could drive up to Lake Placid, just you and I.

Stop at a roadhouse, and dinner and dance

Drive in that?

You're asking me to drive in a car

that looks like a painted Jezebel?

And drive in it to a roadhouse?

Why, it would be like going to the opera in my nightgown.

Painted Jezebel, eh?

So I'm a ditherer.

I'm jolly well gonna dither then.

Would you mind getting off my wife's lap?

Who said that?

Olley, olley, oxen free.

Stop it, my nerves are jumpy enough already

Where are you?

get off my foot.

Who are you? Where are you?

I'm in no mood for this sort of thing.

Come out in the open where I can see you.

Toppy doesn't know us.

Toppy doesn't know us.

Mrs. Kerby, may I present Mr. Topper.

How do you do, Mr. Topper?

And this is Mr. Kerby, Mr. Topper.

George and Marion Kerby?

Why It can't be.

It- It mustn't be.

It is.

Topper's fainted.

Get some water, Marion.

Water.

Come on, Topper.

that's fine, you're a great help.

My hat

no, no, it can't be.

I'm gonna get in my car and drive home.

- No, Topper. - Sit down, Topper.

You can't get in your car and drive home

because you've got a flat tire.

Besides, it isn't your car. It's ours.

I'll walk. You can have the car.

Mrs. Topper doesn't like the horrible thing anyway

George, did you hear that?

Mrs. Topper doesn't like the car

Our good deed Let's get to work on him

What do you mean get to work on him?

Never mind Topper

Why doesn't Mrs. Topper like the car?

She just plain doesn't like it

That's all she often does plain doesn't like things

- What kind of talk is that Topper?

She just plain doesn't like things

I refuse to say another word

I'm probably talking to myself anyway

Well, like that

We find you fainting all over the place

We nurse you back to health and still you're complaining

I want to go home

No, Topper, you can't go home

Besides, George has to change the tire

And he's very good at it too

Go ahead, honey

All right, I'll change the tire

But I'll be darned if I'm gonna waste

any ectoplasm doing it

You see, Toppy, we only have a certain amount

of ectoplasm to use to get visible

Naturally, we can't waste it, can we?

Of course not, no

No, I- I wish someone would wake me up

- Now, now, Toppy, I won't bite you

C'mon, let's sit over there by the tree and be comfortable

We might as well be comfortable while George works

don't you think so?

Come on

You sit there and I'll relax here

You know, Toppy, you're a funny little fellow

You intrigue me

Why did you happen to buy our car?

I bought it because I was mad

Who at?

Never mind

Toppy had a fight with Mrs. Toppy

I did not

Come on, tell the girlfriend all about it

What girlfriend?

Say, you don't mind if I save my energy

and just become nothing for a while, do you?

I don't suppose I do

I don't know what you're talking about

Dematerializing

Watch It works like a zipper

Zip

Marion Marion, where are you?

Right here

Well, make a noise every now and then, will you

so that I'll know where I'm talking to?

I'll do this

Yes, fine

Now, go on

Tell me about buying the car

well, I just decided I'd buy it, you know

I had an awful time with it at first

because I was going along

and then a great big truck came along

and chased me off the road.

And then I was just getting over that

when a huge bus came along

and chased me off the side of the hill like

Hey, watch out

I beg your pardon

Well, then

then I was going along peacefully, you know

and suddenly, bam

I was slapped by a

Just explaining something to a friend of mine.

Is it my fault that there's no one here?

Quiet

♫ The iron-bound bucket

♫ The moss-covered bucket

♫ That hangs in the well

Come out, come out, wherever you are

I've got an idea

When George has an idea, it is

generally speaking, an idea

-Bring Topper along

We'll go places

I don't want to go places

I've been to places, lots of places

Really, I have

but not with us.

It's different when you go places with us

Bring him along, Marion

We gotta have him

He's our good deed

You drive, George

I'll sit in the middle

Come on, Topper, get in

Don't you think I better drive?

It'd look so crazy to other people if you drive

Oh now, come on Don't be a mess, get in

Close your door, Topper

Look out

What's the matter with you?

There was no one driving that car

you're crazy

I'm not crazy

I know what I saw

The car was driving itself

If you ask me, so was this one

All right, I'll prove it for you

Well, you'll have to

I wish you'd stop this nonsense

and let yourselves be seen, or let me drive

Slide over

Now what have you got to say?

I know when I'm licked

Where am I taking you?

You're not taking us

We're taking you

Marion, it's bad enough just being in

the car with you two the way you are

Well, the way you aren't

Where are we going?

Well, unless you rented it to someone

we're going to our penthouse

Heavens No, I haven't rented it

And we can have a drink

George hasn't had a drink in days

He looks much better than he used to, don't you think?

How in heaven's name should I know?

Hey, stop pushing

Don't push me

I didn't push you

And if I did push you, what of it?

a wise guy, huh?

Like those crazy Kerbys

Crazy Kerbys?

Wise guy, eh?

I wish you'd do something about yourselves

You have no idea how annoying it is to be out

with someone and you don't know where they are

my friend, anything to oblige

Here we are, Topper The Kerby Kennel

Barking, howling and biting permissible

Come in

Where's Marion?

Gone to her room, I guess You know how women are

When they get home, they like to change clothes

mess around, blither, blither

You drink?

I did once, but it wasn't much fun

Nobody noticed it

It made me dizzy and I had to keep one eye shut

well, you had the floats

I like 'em

Make you feel nice and goofy

Maybe I do need a drink

Maybe I've needed a drink all these years

and haven't known it

There we are, hold it

Topper, my pet

My wife objects to drinking

Then she shouldn't drink

She doesn't

Then what's her objections?

If my wife were to walk in here right now

I'd have to speak to her very sharply

in order to keep her from making a row

Speak to her?

Yes, I've never beaten her

Not yet, I haven't

Open the other bottle

Crazy Kerbys, eh?

Plush pup

Do you feel like dancing?

Do I feel like what?

you know what I mean

Dancing and singing and

Say that again

Well, George, dancing, singing

With a hey, nonny-nonny

and a whoo-whoo-whoo

Relax, Topper, relax

Take a drink

Stop fidgeting

Do you mind if I just sat here

and sort of sneak a little dance

with my feet?

Cut it out Cut it out, will ya?

What if I just sat quietly here and felt like dancing?

That'd be all right, wouldn't it?

Look, what is this dancing complex?

Look here, would you mind if I just got up and danced

a roundabout on my tiptoes?

All right All right, if you must

Go ahead, but take it easy

Toppy, I think you got something there

Hit it. Truck on down, Toppy

Now that's how I dance

How do you like it?

Yes, I thought that was pretty bad

I'm glad you like my dancing, George

I think I could learn how to live after all, you know

I can drink, all right

And I can dance fine

Now, about singing

Let's sing a little?

Yes, that's a good idea

Let's sing

there she is, George

Where?

Topper, you look like an owl

Come here, George

I'm afraid I must ask you to request

your wife not to talk about me anymore

Tsk, tsk, tsk

Use your influence

If you haven't any, beat her

Come on down, Marion

Topper, you did that on purpose

Nice going

I'm dreadfully sorry George

I forgive you, Topper

Nice forgiving too

Can we dance now?

Why certainly, that's what I got off my perch for

♫ the moss-covered

♫ Hangs in the well

It's a fine thing, trying to steal my wife, eh?

Why, I wouldn't think of such a thing

I don't think

Topper, I'm disappointed in you

Say, if I'm in the way, you folks can leave

not at all

Mighty nice of you to let me stay around

What's biting you?

You're not getting jealous, are you?

No, no, just getting careful

Say, listen What?

All I'm trying to do is to complete our little experiment

Yes, well, I don't know if I like it

Well, that's too bad

Grab a look at your little experiment now

We're really not being very fair to him

I don't think he knows how to drink

But he only had a couple glasses of wine

But I don't think he's ever had a drink in his life

You keep out of this

Say, George, you know something?

What?

I think fate sent him to us

I think we ought to send him right back

Oh, no, he looks like our last chance at a good deed

That's how he looks to you

Well, look at him

His whole soul is crying out for self-expression

Is that so?

Is that the way a soul looks when

it's crying out for self-expression?

Maybe, maybe Topper's soul

Anyway, all he needs is a little encouragement from us

Yes dear, well if you really wanna do him a good deed

get him some bromo while I go change my clothes

Hold down the fort, honey

while I dissolve into a suit

George, where is it?

Where's what?

Where?

Where what?

The bromo, you know

Well, then give him some

Then he'll just have to have aspirin instead

never mind, let it go

I'll be down in a minute

It moved

We're fresh out of bromo

All right then, put on your bonnet

We'll go down to the drugstore and get him some

Come on, Topper

Easy Topper

Tsk, tsk, tsk Dear, dear

Marion, come and hold him here while I get my hat

Trying to get away, huh?

Don't drop him or he'll splash

Now, now, Toppy, relax, relax.

Take it easy

There he goes again

Upsa-daisy, Toppy

Say, George

We can't go down the lobby like this

We'll cause a riot Fade

Don't teeter, Topper

For heaven's sake

What's the matter with that man?

Why- Why- Why doesn't he fall?

What's the idea of stealing my elevator?

We haven't got your elevator, silly

I never wear them

What do you mean by insulting a guest?

Well, he was

You're fired

I've got a beehive in my stomach, but don't mention it

There's the bud now

Ask him what make she is

she's a beaut

So that's the babe you've been talking about

Boy, for my go, she'd be a cinch to handle

No gentlemen would talk about a lady like that

and I demand an apology

You gonna, apologize?

you're daffy

Why, you

there's the little creep now

Let's get him

What's going on here?

One at a time

One at a time

Now, who hit who?

He hit us

he hit us?

One man attacking the whole gang?

Well he started it, but the other two helped him

What other two? Where are they?

In there

Now don't try to be funny

You, what happened?

Well that's right, Officer

He started it, then his two friends jumped in

What two friends? Where are they?

They got in there

Then the other two jumped out of the car

and started slugging me from behind

Hold on now, wait a minute

Now then, what other two?

Holy cats They're gone

Now look, mister, maybe you can tell me what happened

I wanna sing

This one wants to sing

All right, Danny

Come on, let's take 'em all in

Sit down there

People v. Cosmo Topper

Say, were you guys in the same fight with him?

I'll say we were

Who is he?

He's a big-shot banker from Wall Street

What'd he do?

For no reason, he hangs a haymaker on Eddie's kisser

You're charged of being drunk and disorderly

attacking a peaceful citizen

and inciting a riot

I'll tidy you up a little

Brush him off, George, while I fix his hanky

There are four serious

Just a nervous eccentricity, Your Honor

It sometimes gets the better of me

There are four serious charges here, Mr. Topper

I presume you wish to plead not guilty

and tell your side of the story

On the contrary, Your Honor

I wish to plead guilty and get it over with

Well, in that case, you leave me no alternative

except to fine you $100.

Why, that's outrageous

What's that?

I- I said, where do you pay us?

I mean, where do you pay it?

Right there

Next case

But the dame, wow

A dame?

What did she look like?

Who is she?

We don't know, a burlesque queen or something

Swell-lookin' doll, but plenty tough

Next case

All right, boys, out of the way

Is everything all right, Wilkins?

I should say, sir, though it's not my place

that everything is quite all wrong

In fact, I might even go so far as to add

that you have become a legend before your time

Has Mrs. Topper heard about last night?

Mrs. Topper, sir, has read about last night

It's four minutes past 8:00

I know, I know We dress now

I'm late

Your egg, sir

Your toast, sir

Well, I- I mean, go on

Let's get it over

Cosmo, I've been a good wife to you

I've helped you climb to the top in the business world

and I certainly raised you socially

I married you for better or for worse

And if you see fit to drag yourself and me in the gutter

Clara, please

Of course, you realize we'll have to face the world

without any friends

No one with any self-respect

will ever cross our threshold again

And you had to pick this particular time too

Well, I- I don't understand just what you mean

about this particular time

I had every good reason to believe that the Stuyvesants

were going to ask us to their next big party

The Stuyvesants of course, yeah

Yes, I know you wanted to be asked there for years

I'm so sorry

Don't be sorry, Cosmo

What's done is done

And I will do my part to save what little I can from

the wreck you've made of our lives

8:42, sir

so it is

Is Mrs. Topper home?

Who shall I say is calling please?

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Ruther

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant?

come in, madam

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant calling, madam

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant

good gracious, Wilkins, you must be mistaken

No, madam. Shall I

yes, of course

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant

so you're Mrs. Topper

I just dropped in to ask you

and that delicious husband of yours to come to dinner

next Friday night before our little dance

Why, we Why, I

I do owe you an apology.

I should have called on you years ago

but I didn't know whether you would approve

of our little crowd

Approve? my dear.

you see, I understood you like to lead

a quiet, simple life

But after reading about Mr.Topper's delightful escapade

Mrs. Goodrich and Mrs. Simpkins

Hello, Grace

I saw your car outside and thought I'd just pop in

We've been so anxious to meet you Mrs. Topper

I'm sure we must have a great deal in common

How do you do?

What a divine life our Mrs. Topper must live

She must have a thrill a minute

Living with Mr. Topper must be like dancing on dynamite

My goodness, that's not a very good picture of him

bless my blond heart

I never expected Mousy to break out

in this kind of a heat wave

Could I borrow your lipstick?

Dreaming it up?

Beautiful day, isn't it?

yes, I meant

Well, good morning, Mr. Topper

What's the matter with you, Miss Johnson?

Stop gaping at me

I'm not a monster, in spite of the papers

What's the matter with everybody?

Respectable bankers like J.D., who oughta frown on me

slapped me on the back and asked me if she has a friend

I- I can't understand it.

Take a letter, please

Mr. Wilson P. Hemmingway, Buffalo, New York

Your collateral is satisfactory

and this corporation is prepared

to finance your proposition 100%.

It will of course be necessary for

you to deposit the bonds with us

Stop goggling, Miss Johnson

To resume

I would suggest that you come to New York

at your earliest convenience

Really, Miss Johnson

You seem to be staring at my hat

as though you thought there was something

dreadful the matter with it

I do

Yes, well, then I think perhaps

you better take the day off

and do whatever you do on your day off

Perhaps I'd better had

All right, George, you win

But I do think you might show a little respect for the bank

Don't push me

Where are you?

Marion wants a soda

So it's you, Marion

After all the things you've done to me

you want me to buy you a soda?

A chocolate one

Don't you understand that this is my private office?

But all I want is a chocolate soda

with some vanilla ice cream in it

Why doesn't George buy you one?

Cause he's wandered off

Besides, he doesn't like sodas

And, Toppy, I'm lonely anyway

Haven't you any friends?

None that I like as well as you

Don't you do that again, ever

Supposing George were watching us

But he isn't.

how do I know he's not?

You'll just have to take my word for it

Now stop being difficult Come on

Here's your hat and here's your stick

Here are your gloves

Marion wants a nice I know

You want a chocolate soda with vanilla ice cream

Do I get it?

Not for a million dollars

so you're gonna be mean?

All right

I can be just as stubborn as you are

I won't budge from here

I know what I'll do I'll- I'll scream

You wouldn't dare

wouldn't I, though?

Marion, I'll do anything you like, but don't do that

All right then, come on

Shut that door

You can't go out like that

What will the people in the office think?

Well, supposing I go out like this?

All right, go on

Why, shame on you, biting little children

What's going on here?

I wanna stop here

Don't do that, Marion

You nearly wrecked us

I'll be out before you can say Jack Robinson

Only don't say it for a few minutes

Don't talk, someone will hear you

Don't look now, Toppy

but there's some lip rouge on your cheek.

This is delightful.

You wait here and I'll go and investigate.

Marion, wh-what are you up to now?

Here I am, Toppy.

Marion, you-you promised to be good,

and now look at you.

Don't you dare go away without me.

Well I didn't see anything unusual, no.

maybe it was the wind.

Maybe you're right.

Cosmo?

Come right in here.

For heaven's sake, what are you doing home

at this time of day?

I ran away.

I mean, I thought it would be nice to feel

how it would be to be here during the daytime, you know.

I really can't understand these women.

They But, really.

But women like Mrs. Stuyvesant and Mrs. Goodrich.

Never before have they...

You can forget it if you wanted to.

And if you really cared for me

there are a whole lot of things you could forget about.

Forget? What do you mean, forget?

Well, I know that the newspaper said awful things

about me, but you know, I'm not that sort of a man, really.

I'm- I'm just an old faithful dog.

That's all.

Old faithful dog?

Cosmo, I can't stand here and let you flaunt

your infidelity in my face.

But, Clara Don't speak.

Don't try to explain.

It's all perfectly clear.

But-But-But I bought them for you as a surprise.

A surprise? It's a shock!

No one but a horrid woman would wear a thing like this.

Cosmo!

Clara, I'm so terribly sorry about those-

about those things.

I- please let me in, darling, won't you?

Go away. Go away, wicked old man.

I beg your pardon, sir, but are we packing?

I'm packing.

Are we going away, sir?

I'm going away.

Can't you even look like a human being?

I don't know, sir. I've never tried.

Well, you'd better try.

Now, sir? Why not?

No, better go back to the old way, I think.

And when shall I say you'll be back, sir?

Say I don't know. I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know anything.

Say anything that pops into your fat, stupid head.

And lo, the worm turns.

I thought perhaps a cup of tea would help.

That's very kind of you.

I don't want any tea, Wilkins.

And I won't be down for dinner.

I- I couldn't bear the thought of facing him.

That won't be necessary, madam.

Mr. Topper has gone.

Gone? Gone where?

He didn't know.

He didn't know?

But that's ridiculous.

Nobody can go away and not know where they've gone.

Nobody can

Wilkins, after all these years, are you trying to be funny?

Mr. Topper went with a suitcase in the contraption.

He's left me.

I'll never see him again.

no, madam.

He'll come back.

If you'll pardon the liberty, madam, he'll come back

just to find out whether you've missed him

or not whilst he was away.

They always do.

Of course I'll miss him.

But he mustn't know that, madam.

What difference does it make?

Even if he does come back,

I can never hope to hold him.

That woman

He doesn't want me anymore.

He- He wants these.

Did you say he wanted those, madam?

Yes, I - I did.

Then why not let him have them?

I don't mean just these things.

I mean

He's mad about the sort of creature who-

the sort of woman who wears these things.

But, my dear, dear madam, might I suggest that

you could so easily be the alluring

sort of woman who wears those?

confound it, madam.

I still say if he wants the pants, let him have them.

How dare you

Wilkins?

Have a bite, Toppy.

Marion

That's for running away from me.

I'm mad at you.

Well, why don't you go away?

Leave me alone.

I'm not that mad.

But I ask you, do you think it was very nice

to run away from me?

don't let's talk about it anymore.

I've had enough of it.

I've had enough of everything.

Toppy, don't be mad at me.

Where are we going? I don't know.

I've left home.

Doesn't matter where I go.

then I'll tell you what let's do.

Let's go to the Sea Breeze Hotel.

It's right on this road.

Is it?

We can swim and play and dance every night.

There's a wonderful orchestra there.

it'll be fun.

Swim and play and dance every night, eh?

I bet it would

What am I talking about?

I'm a married man.

I can't go gallivanting off with a

Toppy, you'll be fine.

Well, we won't go.

Look here, Marion, if you're here I'm gonna be very angry.

In fact, I am angry now.

I won't have you upsetting me all the time.

Of course I'm here.

You didn't suppose I'd leave my Toppy, did you?

Be careful. Here comes the bellboy.

Take this bag, will you?

Why are you staring at me like-like-like something?

I don't know.

Aren't you the guy that cost me my last job?

Never saw you before in my life.

Hey, did you notice something funny about that guy?

That guy ain't funny.

He ain't even human.

Then I'll take charge of this.

Call for Miss White, please.

Calling Miss White.

How do you do?

We have a nice room on the third floor.

Third floor, that'll do very nice,

I'll take any floor.

Take this gentleman to 314.

This way

Did you see what I saw?

Did I see what, Sherlock?

Nothin

Are you always this anxious at getting a hotel room?

I have a reason for being anxious

to get into this room in a hurry.

Well, I have a reason to get out of this room in a hurry.

Come on, let me out. Go on

Wait a minute.

Here, go on, get out. I wanna shut the door.

What's wrong with you?

Between you and that guy in 314,

you'll excuse me if I go nuts.

Marion

Marion, oh, I do hope it isn't you.

What did you say?

I can't hear with this water running.

I said come out from under my shower

No use, I can't understand a word you're saying.

Stop it, Marion

We're being watched.

I wish you'd fly out a window and leave me alone.

Marion, confound it.

Use your common sense.

I've already used my common sense.

I've ordered cocktails.

And you'd better jump in the shower and get yourself pretty.

I wouldn't change my tie with you in the room.

Toppy, don't worry about me.

Get into your dinner clothes.

You're not dressed, are you?

Yes, I am dressed.

Well, get so that I can see you,

so that I can keep track of you.

How's this?

You didn't have this on under the shower, did you?

No, but I just decided to be dressed, and here I am.

Now you get dressed, and hurry up.

All right, you sit here where I can see you.

And what am I supposed to do, twiddle my thumbs?

Mr. Topper home?

Mr. Topper's not at home, sir.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Why, certainly, I'm sure, sir.

Why shouldn't I be sure?

I just wondered.

You look to me like the kind of fellow

who might not be sure.

Mr. Topper is not at home, sir.

That's what I said.

Wilkins, what is the matter?

Mrs. Topper?

Mrs. Topper, where's that mouse of a husband of yours?

Mouse?

Shall I eject this person, madam?

Well, no.

listen, smiley, you stay out of this.

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for that goofy husband of yours.

I beg your pardon, sir

but I must ask you to be a little more careful

with your language in front of Mrs. Topper.

Otherwise, I shall put the slug on you.

Don't be athletic

Where's your husband?

Where's your husband, Mrs. Topper?

I don't know.

Mr. Topper's gone away.

Yes, well, that's just what I thought.

What do you mean?

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for my wife,

and I've got a certain sneaking

suspicion that if I find Topper

I'm gonna find her too

You mean she might be with Cosmo?

Yes, well, it's just possible.

Listen, have you got a slug of scotch?

Cause I've got the jitters.

I'm sorry, but we've never had

any stimulants in the house.

That's a fine thing.

Why don't you have a snort in the house for the poor man

instead of lamb on Sunday, stew on Monday,

beef on Wednesday?

Why don't you go out dancing with him occasionally?

Then he wouldn't have left you

I suppose you're right

Well, it's too late now.

Please go, sir

You're breaking the madam's heart.

Well, if I find Topper, I'll break his neck.

And believe me, I'll find him!

He's very handsome, isn't he?

Get me an aspirin

Why, of course.

Wilkins, I'm not supposed to be the butler, you are.

So I am.

I'll get the aspirin myself.

Come in.

Marion, get out of yourself.

Quick someone's coming.

That's right

Come in

What are you gaping at?

Can I hear you say come in again?

Don't be impertinent.

Put those things down there.

Well, hurry up

get out

Can't you look where I'm going?

So what's eatin' you?

The next time I go to 314, I'm not going.

314?

the guy's spooky

I just brought him four cocktails

Four cocktails at one time for one guy?

Well, one guy and two voices.

What do you mean, two voices?

Well, first he goes way down low like this

Then he talks way up high like a dame

Talks way up

Talks way up high like a dame?

get downstairs and get the manager

Get him up here right away.

He don't need a manager.

He needs a straitjacket

Don't scare me like that.

You know I'm a bundle of nerves when I'm on duty.

You sent for me, Casey.

Yes, and I'm glad you finally got here.

Why? What's wrong?

Hey, you see, the guy Quiet.

I'm in charge here. Don't you understand?

He's got a woman in there and she's not registered.

I'll attend to this.

Who is it?

I'm the hotel manager

Please open this door at once

Vanish

I'm sorry, sir, but I shall have to ask you

and, uh, the lady to give up your room.

The lady?

What lady?

What lady?

Perhaps you can explain the red on this cigarette

Yes, I cut my tongue when I was shaving this morning

Cut your tongue?

Listen, don't try to kid us.

There's a woman in here, we heard her.

She's gone

Casey, you're a fool

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Topper

to have caused you this embarrassment

I - I hope you'll accept my apology

but think nothing of it

Promise me you'll think nothing of it

You have no idea how badly I should feel

if you didn't promise me

you were going to think nothing of it.

I am sorry.

I hope you'll accept my humble apology.

Why, it's a deal.

I guess I'm sorry too.

Cuckoo

Get out of here, you moron.

House detective, eh?

A fine hash you've made of things.

Now don't tell me that you hear two people laughing.

Another mistake likethis and you'll be fired.

Now, watch yourself.

Come on, Toppy. I'm hungry.

Let's go down to dinner.

On an empty stomach?

I want some more pink ladies.

I'll get you some more pink ladies.

Come on

It's a good thing no one saw us coming out of my room.

Why, Toppy, I think we look lovely.

We're the best dressed couple in this hallway.

Well, let's- let's pretend we're not together.

You know, Marion, you're positively beautiful

Yes, I might almost say you were gorgeous

I will say it

You are gorgeous.

I think you're gorgeous too, darling

captain, bring the wine list.

We don't want a wine list.

We want a flock more of pink ladies

That's right, bring a lot of pink ladies

And go on bringing them, on and on.

♫ Old Man Moon Wake up now

♫ 'Cause I've fallen in love

♫ Go spread the news

♫ To all the stars above

♫ Shine for my baby

♫ while we're dancin' tonight

I wanna dance

I thought we wanted to drink.

I do, I wanna drink

I wanna dance, I wanna sing.

I wanna

I wanna have fun.

Come on Let's dance.

♫ And if it's possible

♫ Keep shinin' till noon

♫ My sincerest thanks to you, sir

♫ Old Man Moon wake up now

♫ Because I've fallen so deep in love

My, this is fun.

I'm glad one of us is enjoying it.

Don't listen to me. I really like it a lot.

And I like you a lot too.

Toppy, are you falling in love with me?

I tell you, I'm just that way about you.

Just that way about my wife?

Listen, Marion, what did you mean

by that remark on the telephone?

We're not married anymore

Come here, I want to talk to you.

Hey, listen, what are you so burned up about?

What about you up in Westchester?

No, don't change the subject.

What did you mean by that remark?

You'll pardon us, but this is just

an old family after-dinner custom.

Now, listen, Marion

Oh, George, you're ruining our good evening.

Here, have a pink lady

I've had a pink lady

And to places with a good deed

I'd rather have you

Of course, of course

You stay out of this

Never mind, Toppy

I'll meet you in the lobby

What's wrong here?

You are. Take a walk.

You can't talk that way to me.

Shut up

She's right

That's enough out of you

See here, young la

Where did she go to?

Never mind, you stay here

like a good little pelican, and I'll find her

where are you?

Where'd you go to?

Where are ya, either one of ya?

Why don't you watch what you're doing

I didn't do anything.

then watch yourself

I've got enough to worry about

What happened? I

Stop pushing me

I'll not stop pushing you because I didn't push you

Topper, you're going home to your wife where you belong

George, I won't be ordered about

You're going home

I am not

yes, you are

you naughty boy, to tickle me like that

What?

Well, my husband will put a stop to this.

I wish he would, really.

Where are you going?

I quit

That guy from 314 is too much for me.

Don't be silly.

I'll have this rumpus straightened out

before I can bat an eye.

You just stand here and bat your eyes

I'm going out and get a nice quiet job

in a nut factory

Sit down, Topper

I wanna talk to you

I won't sit down

yes, you will

No, I will not

Something a little odd about this hotel, don't you think?

I'm having a little chair trouble

but you pay no attention to it

I'm, I'm reading

Where's Casey?

I don't know.

He wouldn't be any help anyway

you go call the police

before the whole hotel's wrecked

George, George, this can't go on

It's gotta stop

I beg your pardon. Did you drop this?

Why, you- you witch, you

Casey, get that wild man to my office

before we lose every guest in the house

Right, I'll show him who he thinks we are

The manager wants to see you instantaneously

I don't wanna see him

Now, don't evade the question

You're gonna see him anyhow.

I've been looking for you

What do you say we make up?

Hey, you know, this is the best fight we ever had.

But look at poor Toppy

We've gotta do something about him

It's practically done

Get his bag in the car

All right, darling

What are you doing?

Stop it You're hurting Rollo

Take this sack of bones off of me

Won't somebody help me, please?

So you're the guy that caused all this trouble?

I'm the house detective

I'm in charge here

Come on Get up

Here, hold this while I go for the cuffs

Eh, what is this?

It's a dog

Are you trying to make a sap out of me?

It's too late

Who said that?

Did you say that?

Of course not

That's what's wrong here

There's a phantom something

or someone who's wrecking this hotel

And I want him caught

A phantom?

Who you trying to kid?

All right, men, surround him

Surround who?

Who's giving orders here?

You folks watch the door

Come on, men Follow me

All right, men, line up

We'll rake the room

Quiet

Ooh-ga-boo

Steady, men

We're closing in on him

Bread and butter

Ba-boom! Happy New Year!

There he is

Get off

Up Get up

A fine bunch of cops you are

I had that guy right where he wanted me

till you crossed him up

He's gone

He's gone

Sergeant, he's gone

He got into the automobile and drove away

but nobody was driving it

there must be an easier way

to make a livin' than this

Stop squirming, Topper

What's the matter with you?

I can't help it

Look at that speedometer

What are you two trying to do, make me like you?

Can't help it, old boy

I'm scared stiff

Where are we going?

I'm sorry, Topper, I don't know

All I know is I've gotta go there, fast

Slow down Please slow down

I said you'd ruin me, and you have

Now you've done it

George, Marion, where are you?

A fine thing

Here we are again

Once more around that curve, I won't have a hat left

Look at Topper

Now look here, you two

But look at me

I'm just like you now

Keep your garters on, Toppy

You'll be all right

You're just a little unconscious

You're much too solid, Topper

I don't think you've become a member of our club yet

Well, I won't go back Why not?

I won't do it

You won't do what?

I won't go back to that silly old routine

Up at 8:00, bed at 11:00, lamb on Sundays

I won't do it

Topper, don't be foolish

They won't make you do that again

I'd rather stay here with you and Marion

even though it is like living on the top of a volcano

But, Topper, you've gotta go back

You don't know how much it means to her

No, I won't

Topper, you've gotta go back

Don't you see

George Trumpets

No, no, it isn't trumpets

It's an ambulance

Get back, Topper

No, I don't wanna go

Well, if I've got to go, I've got to go

But I'll get up when I feel like it in the morning

and I'll have some fun

Where were we?

You've had an accident

but you're safe at home and you're going to be all right

Where's-Where's Marion?

I'll call Mrs. Topper right away

No, not Mrs. Topper

Who's Marion?

She's probably someone I dreamed about

when I was in the ether

But you didn't have any ether.

You'd be surprised

Your wife is very anxious to see you

Do you feel able to talk to her?

You would bring that up

I'm all right

Go ahead and call her

Might as well get it over with

Mr. Topper is conscious and wishes to see you

Is he really all right?

He's perfectly fine

Why, Wilkins

♫ The old oaken bucket

♫ The iron-bound bucket

♫ The moss-covered bucket

♫ that hangs

See? Since I quit drinking

no more jitters

- Well, I wish you'd sit down

You give me the jitters

What in the world are you trying to do anyway?

Shh quiet, I'm practicing to be an angel

Some angel you'll make

Nice retorting

Well, I'm still your little angel, aren't I, honey?

stop it

aren't I?

Of course you are

But don't say aren't I

Ain't I?

Say, I do hope Mrs. Topper doesn't gum up our good deed

we'll know in a minute

I was so afraid I was going to lose you

you can't lose a bad penny like me, you know

You're not a bad penny

You're just the dearest, sweetest husband

a woman ever had

Darling, you amaze me

You look so differently, and you

you act so differently

I am different

And I've been praying you'd come back

so I could prove it

Will you promise not to laugh if I show you something?

I promise

I'm-I'm too astonished to laugh

You do understand, don't you?

darling, I understand

Why, I love you

Cosmo

But I wonder if you knew everything

If you knew

I don't want to know anything

I'm just going to love you, and never question

So long, Toppy

We're on our way

We won't be seeing you anymore, Toppy

So long

What was that?

I thought I heard voices

No, remember, darling, love me and never question

Bless our happy home