All language subtitles for The Neighborhood S05E11

Hey, Calvin.

Hola, mi amor.

Guess what I'm making.

Paella.
Paella.

Yes, the authentic recipe
we learned in "Barthelona."

Well, you know, you could say
Barcelona like an American.

No, I like saying "Barthelona"

like a "Barthelonian."

You know, Calvin, you don't
have to make paella every day.

I still haven't finished
my lunch paella.

Hey, you must have
had a busy day.

Yeah, let's go with that.

And speaking
of getting busy,

you know, we haven't done
that since this morning.

Calvin, where's my favorite mug?

Oh, I, uh,
I threw it out.

Yeah, I was watching
Jennifer Hudson this afternoon,

and the feng shui
expert said that

you should replace any
chipped or broken item.

But my mug wasn't chipped.

Well, I broke it

when I was trying to
feng shui the kitchen.

Oh, by the way,

Magnum, P.I. thinks we should
get a reverse mortgage.

What you think?

Okay, Calvin,
I know that you've had

a lot of time on your hands
since selling the shop, but...

you got to stop
watching daytime TV.

How about you just
get out the house?

Do something.

Babe, I'm doing things.

I got plenty of stuff to do.

My schedule is jam-packed.

Alexa, what's
on my calendar tomorrow?

At 03:00 p.m.,
you have a haircut.

Hmm?
Didn't you get a
haircut yesterday?

Yes, Tina.
I'm a very hairy man.

Well, how about you
go out and play some golf?

Well, all my friends work.

Are you trying to get rid of me?

No, no, no, baby.
I just...

I don't think it's very healthy

for a man to stay
at home all day,

or his wife
might kill him.

Oh! I just watched
a Lifetime movie about that.

You know, the lady
got away with it, too.

* Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood *

* Welcome to the hood. *

Okay.
Oh, Tina, we can't
take all your paella.

Please take it.
It'll really help my marriage.

Ooh, look, Dave wants some.
He's drooling.

Nah, it's from the dentist.

I'm still numb.

Here, sweetie,
clean yourself up.

So, has it been hard for Calvin
having all this free time?

Hard for me.
He's driving me crazy.

He's always here.

He watches my shows before I do

and then spoils the endings.

You know, I finally
just sent him to Ernie's bar

to give away
some of this paella.

And there's this much left?

You feel my pain.

Ooh.

Mama! Oh.
Hey, guys.

Hey.
Did a box come for me today?

Oh, yeah, it's right over there.

Um, why did you
have it sent here?

I didn't want Malcolm to see it.

It's a longsword
for my Arthurian groom-posal.

It's a what for the what what?

I'm gonna ask Malcolm
to be my best man.

And then slay him?

Marty's doing a grooms-posal.

They're like prom-posals,
but for your groomsmen.

Yeah, back when I did mine,

society thought
they were only for bridesmaids.

Then I rode into
my friend Bobby's yard

on that horse, shirtless.

I broke barriers
for groomsmen everywhere.

I'm...

I'm-I'm gonna go "shirt on."

But I do want Malcolm
to be blown away.

So, uh, Marty, got all your
groomsmen picked out already?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, i...
It's only four of us.

It's Malcolm, my two
best friends from college,

and my play
cousin Daniel.

S-So he's not even

a real cousin, huh?
David...

Dave, let it go.
You're not in the wedding.

Stop being so thirsty.

Oh, shoot. Ernie's killing it
at cornhole. He's undefeated.

Hey, Calvin,

do you want me to embarrass
you next or should I

crush Trey as a warm-up?

Also, no outside food.

Oh.

It's paella.
I brought you some.

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Winning burns a lot of calories.

Ernie, I haven't seen
you lose in a week.

You juicing?

Nah. No, man.
No, no, no.

I'm just the best holder

anyone's seen
this side of the 405.

Probably the other side, too.

There's just
too much traffic to be sure.

You bragging about
throwing beanbags in a hole?

Sound like somebody's scared.

Ooh, I'm terrified.

What's the next challenge--
hopscotch?

Or maybe Candy Land?

Calvin, just whup his ass
and shut him up.

Man.
Hey.

I-It's ridiculous, man.

This requires no skills.
I mean, anybody could do it.

Watch.

Ha-ha!

Reminds me of the time
we played mini-golf

and you hit that old lady.

It was a bank shot
off her walker.

I still made par.

Ah.

Okay.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Close, close, but no cigar.

All right,
this ain't over.

All right, here we go.

Yeah!

Oh!

Boom, baby! In your face!

Okay, Calvin.
All right.

If you feeling so cocky,

then why don't you
play in the tournament?

Mm, nah, I'm good.

Uh-huh. Uh, I-I forgot--
you retired.

You too busy
sitting on the front porch

in a rocking chair.

Ooh!

You know what?
I'm in.

And for your information,
it's a glider!

All right.
Well, good luck, Calvin.

Good luck. Oh, did you see
the gallery of champions?

They all look a lot like me,
don't they?

You know, I forget about
the year you had the toupee.

It's called a hair unit.

Hold on.

Oh, my God!

Marty, what is going on?

Malcolm Langston Butler,
first of his name,

you are hereby

commanded to pull

the sword from
yon stone.

Only the true best man
can such a feat achieve.

What?

If thou wouldst be the best man,

thou must pull the very
expensive custom-engraved sword

from yonder stone.

Okay, Marty, obviously
I am going to be your best man.

Uh, did you say "wouldst"?
What does that even mean?

I don't know, man.
Can you just play along?

No, I said I'm in, Marty, okay?

I-I'm doing
all the best man stuff.

I went to the cake tasting,
we went soup shopping.

Okay, if-if you're
not into this,

maybe I'll ask somebody else.

Marty, I'm your only brother.

Who else would you ask
to be your best man?

Derek.

Derek?
Derek has no personality.

He's a board game friend.

You have to be distracted
just to hang out with him.

Well, Derek would
have pulled the sword

from the stone by now, man.

Well, 'cause Derek is a dork!

Great.
You tell him that to his face

when he takes your role
as the best man.

Wha...

From the shadows you come

and to the shadows
I bid you return.

Almost had it.

Don't flatter yourself.
You weren't even close.

You're pulling
your left shoulder.

Thanks a lot, Gemma.

But a lot of those bags
went in the hole

before you
broke my concentration

by sneaking up on me.

Okay, you want
to keep missing,

keep doing it your way.

Or you could
square up a bit

and add a little arc
to your toss,

like this.

Damn, woman, you can hole.

Where'd you learn
to play like that?

There wasn't a lot to do
in Hickory Corners.

All we had was corn.

Either you ate it
or you threw it.

Or the crows got it.

On a bad day, all
three could happen.

So, you used to play with corn?

Did you not have Barbie dolls?

Crows got 'em.

That's why I became
so good at cornhole.

Uh, w-wait, wait.

I want to learn how to play.

Cornhole isn't
something you learn.

It's something you become.

When I holed,

I gave myself fully
to the game.

I'd expect you
to do the same.

I'm ready.
No.

No, you're not.

But you will be.

Forget everything you think
you know about cornhole.

I literally know nothing.

Raw clay.
I like it.

Derek?

Derek is gonna be your best man?
Yes, Mom.

Help me remember--
did I carry Derek in my womb?

I think you know you did not.

Then Derek should not
be your best man.

Calvin, back me up.

Listen to your mama, boy.

Ooh!
Four in a row!

Calvin!

What? I'm folding the laundry.
Thanks for noticing.

Stop playing games and help me
talk some sense into this boy.

Uh, Marty, if you want your
brother to be your best man,

you should ask him
like a normal person.

I'm sure he'll say yes.

Well, he did
say yes.

That's not the point, Daddy.
He disrespected my process.

Listen, baby,

when you look back
on your wedding

years from now...

...you're gonna
want to have those memories

with your brother.

Calvin, what the
hell are you doing?!

I'm emptying the dishwasher.

Apparently, I have to do
everything around here.

That was going in.

I mean, it is nonstop, Trey.

One ridiculous wedding event
after another,

a-and the groom-posal
was insane.

There was a rock,
there was a sword,

and then there was
a suit of armor.

So, he did all that just
to ask you to be his best man?

Yes. I mean,
it's ridiculous, right?

Tell me I'm wrong.

You're wrong.
Thank you.

Wait, what?

I'm just saying,
Marty went through

all that trouble to make you
feel loved and appreciated,

and you went
and acted like a jackass.

I did not.

Word on the street is you
were a total jackass to Marty.

I said yes to Marty, okay?

Look, maybe I wasn't as nice
as I could have been...
Okay,

I-I don't care. Uh...

Are you now bumped down
to regular groomsman

or... or are you out out,

and now there's an opening?

Well, I can't be completely
out of the wedding, Dave.

Uh, I mean, look,
I got to do something.

Marty's a big baby,
but he is my baby brother.

You're right.
You're a good brother.

Damn it.

So, what do I do?

Malcolm, go to him.

Yeah, but you got to
do it right.

After what you did,
you need to go all the way.
Yeah.

Meaning I got to
completely humiliate myself?

No, no, not at all.

Now, let's talk
tunics and tights.

Oh...

You do know there's nothing
in your hand, right?

Of course, babe.

The tournament is tonight.
I can't risk injury.

Hey, Tina, would you
do me the honor

of shagging my bags
this evening?

Do what now?

I forgot,
you don't speak hole.

It means retrieving my bags.

I just need to concentrate
on my throwing.

Alexa, is it windy
in Pasadena tonight?

Hello, Cornhole King.

This evening
in Pasadena, California,

it's breezy
at 14.2 miles per hour.

Hmm.

I'm gonna have to adjust
my arc for the wind.

Did you actually program Alexa
to call you Cornhole King?

Yes. And trust me,
it's starting to catch on.

Uh, you know, Calvin,

I know I encouraged you
to get out of the house

and find something to do,

but don't you think
that maybe you're taking

this Cornhole thing
a little too seriously?

Don't be ridiculous.

Calvin, bombaye!

Calvin, bombaye!

Calvin, bomba...

Did you people not see Ali?

Calvin, bombaye!

- Calvin, bombaye!
- Calvin, bombaye!

Go, babe!

It's all right, my man.

You can tell your grandkids

you got beat by Calvin Butler.

Go on, now.

Calvin, let's talk management.

What are you celebrating?

You haven't won anything yet.

I just took the semis.

Finish the job!

Sorry, Calvin.

You've had your fun,
but your little lucky streak

ends here.
This is my house.

Yeah, that's because
you lost your real house

in your last divorce.

True.

But not you or my
other exes or the IRS

can take cornhole from me.

Don't you worry, Calvin Butler.

I'll keep the trophy here.

You can come see it
whenever you want.

Oh. Uh,

I'm gonna see it every night

'cause it'll be in my bedroom.

The hell it will.

Hey, uh, shag girl,
you're messing up my trash talk.

Hedwig?!

"Your presence is requested
in Mother and Father's yard

"at the stroke of 9:00.

Yours, magically,
Alan Dumbledore."

It's Albus, but okay.

Who dares approacheth my lair?

You invited me, Dumbledore.

Yes, right.

Approacheth, Grayskull Legolas.

You are mixing
so many different things,

but I love it!

When I cast this spell,

you will no longer remember that

I was dickish unto thee.

And you will once again
welcome me back

as your best friend,
your best brother and...

...your best man.

Kombucha!

Yes. A thousand times yes.

This is unbelievably tense.

It is?

They're tied. They've gone
bag-for-bag this whole round.

The next hole wins.

Ooh, and then we're done?

Oh. Hey, hey.

You hear that, Calvin?

That hole is
calling my name.

Ooh!

Yeah.

Oh, I hear it now.

And it's saying,

"You're in second place,
sucker."

Time out. Time out, time out.

Calvin, his bag
is teetering over the edge.

It's air mail time.

Air mail?
Yes.

We practiced this.

No, we didn't.

We didn't? Crap.

Okay.

You've got to arc high.
Crazy high.

Higher than you've ever
arced in your life.

Your bag's got to come
straight down

through that hole without
taking Ernie's bag in with it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Delay of game.

Okay, hey, I'm tossing.

I'm tossing, man.

Okay.

* *

Yes! We did it!
We're awesome!

Suck it, loser!

Hey, uh, good game, Calvin.

Yeah, that felt pretty good.
Oh,

need to take your picture
for the wall.

Oh, not without my shag girl.

Nah, I'm good.

Hey, that was, uh

that was some fine holing,
Calvin.

Yeah.
Maybe the best I've ever seen.

It was fun.
Yeah, it was.

Oh, it doesn't have to be over.
See, there's a doubles circuit.

We can take this act
on the road as a team.

There is a tournament
next weekend in Reno.

Now, the way I figure...
Look, sorry, Ernie.

I mean, since I sold the
shop, I have been looking

for something to be
passionate about, but...

this is your thing,
man. All right?

I'm still searching for mine.

Mm. You'll
find it, baby.

Hey, you-you sure
about that, Calvin?

Very.
But you--

you go out there
and give 'em hell.

Hey!

I'll do it.
I'll go with you, Ernie. Reno!

Reno!

Hey,

you drive stick?
Yeah.

Uh-huh.
Yeah, you do.

Hey, hey!

You're not
going to Reno.

You're a wife, a mother
and a principal.

Okay, Gemma,

uh, go home, all right?
Go on, now.

Go.

Something is definitely
wrong with her.

David Seymour Johnson,

first of his name, come forth.

Oh, my God.

Is this happening?

The maiden Necie hath decreed

that the size of her bridal
party will increase by one.

Her cousin Keisha
will be joining us

from the Woods of Ingle.

Huh?

Keisha from Inglewood.

Wilst thou do me
the most high honor

of joining the Groom's Watch?

Wedding is coming.

T'would be my honor, your grace.

With thy very knee
I bendeth like Beckham.

Macchiato!

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