Original subtitles

I can't see your face!

What does it look like she's doing, Loki?

What, do you only want to blow me when I'm asleep?

What?

Hey, hey.

Happy anniversary.

Thanks, Jack.

Thanks for coming.

You're welcome. So, uh, where's Mr. Morose hiding?

I don't know.

Might try them over by the drinks.

I hope we've made enough hors d 'oeuvres. The finger sandwiches are

Ground control to meet your friend.

You know those tapes that punk band Jack and I had in high school?

We were pretty good, right?

Oh, God, here we go.

When did I get so old?

Look at Jack. He's still a kid.

Still having fun.

What happened to me?

How'd I lose out?

You did what you were good at and you were successful.

What more do you want?

In fact, I'd like you better without the mohawk.

Happy anniversary.

Thanks.

How do you do it?

Ain't no thing.

Man. Listen, dude, you don't want to hit that. You get everything you want.

Besides, you got Mr.

Vicarious over here to live out all your sick fuck fantasies through.

It's my job.

What's her name?

Nastasia. Now that's a name you can whack, too.

Is somebody going to fuck me from behind tonight?

I hope so.

I like it that way.

He's getting cock hard. Look at my tight little wet asshole.

Natasha, have you met Fred?

This is his party.

Hi, Fred.

Oh, hi.

Happy anniversary.

Your wife tells me it's been seven years?

Yeah. Thanks, Lars.

And I didn't get your name?

Uh, Natasha.

But my friends call me Nasty.

I bet they do.

Kids, you don't have to bother me. I'm just... You too.

Need me to hold it for you?

Uh, no, I think I got it. Okay. Suit yourself, man.

Yeah.

a ride to the airport, so you don't need to take me.

With who?

Just a friend.

When are you coming back?

Saturday.

Do you want me to pick you up?

No, you don't have to worry about it. I'll take a taxi.

It'll be all right.

At least Michael won't have to get to the airport.

Fred?

What? Happy anniversary.

What were you doing up there? Why were you watching them?

Because they reminded me of us.

Way back when.

You know, I'm wearing your favorite panties.

Wanna fuck?

Wanna fuck?

What's getting into you?

That's what's getting into you.

Up.

You said I hate it when guys come to my face. Plural. More than one.

Please let's not do this tonight. Please.

Please. Can we just have a nice time?

I want to know what the fuck you meant.

Sir, I did not know you were here. I hope I did not wake you.

It's all right, Mona. It's all right.

It's Imelda, sir.

I was talking to the other maid.

Other maid?

Have you seen Mrs. Martin this morning?

Listen, when you're done with the sink, the bathroom upstairs is backed up.

Tampons or some kind of shit backed up in it.

See if you can do something about it.

You said that Holly only watched for yourself.

Yeah, but I mean, she's five feet away from playing with herself. I mean, she

might as well have fucked him.

Yeah, but you said she didn't.

Yeah, but she could have.

So could you.

So what? We're even?

Is that important to you, being even?

Isn't that the whole idea of marriage?

Sounds like a sticky situation.

What should I do?

Did I cheat?

I can't figure it out. I did think it was my boyfriend, but it wasn't. And I

knew it wasn't, but I still did it.

My boyfriend and I went to dinner at my cousin's on Saturday night.

I was sitting right across from my cousin Carl.

Gabe, my boyfriend, was crammed up right next to him.

I think I was on my third or fourth glass of wine.

I could feel my boyfriend's cock getting harder.

But his expression stayed the same.

Even when he took it out of his pants.

I figured I'd torture him a little bit. Make him blush.

Gabe?

go and get me a paper towel from the kitchen, please?

Sure. Would anyone else like anything?

Fine.

Oh, my God. I thought, there's nothing wrong with his pants.

I've been jacking off Carl by mistake the whole time.

I don't know why I did it.

He just looks so helpless.

Will you pass the break, please?

Great potatoes.

They are? Yes, they are.

Who made them?

Garlic potatoes.

Kevin.

Thank you.

Hungry?

Sorry. Really nice potatoes.

Here, sweetie.

I did think it was my boyfriend, but it wasn't, and I

knew that it wasn't, but I still did it.

What should I do?

I think there's only one thing you can do.

What?

All right, Chesley, I'll see you next Wednesday. Okay, bye.

See you later, Jen.

See you.

There goes one fucked up kid.

Who's next?

Harry Donovan called and said he can't make it.

I mean... Your father?

He just keeps getting worse.

I haven't my place now.

The doctors are no use.

They keep on saying he's on a mend, but he hasn't spoken in two weeks.

These goddamn doctors keep on charging me for these home visits, and I'm broke,

and I can't sleep, and I... Listen, listen, listen.

Listen, um... Take the rest of the day off. Go home.

I can't. I'm broke.

Don't worry about it. I'll pay you for the full day. Just go home and take care

of what you gotta take care of.

Okay.

Call me if you need anything.

I'm an asshole.

Completely self -absorbed asshole.

So you get an inappropriate Woody.

Big fucking deal, man.

At least you can still get it up. If I were you, I'd call a girl.

I think Holly's cheating on me.

Well, then what are you waiting for?

I'm sorry.

It's kind of rough.

I don't know, man. I was kind of thinking the same thing myself.

Well, if you ain't going to hit that stuff, Fred, come with me to this party

Friday. It's going to be wild and it'll be totally anonymous.

What do you mean anonymous?

It's a costume party, bro.

Just pick the body and get it on with it. No names, no numbers.

Random acts of pussy, bro. Toll free.

Yeah, but isn't that safe?

Forget about it, all right?

Have you ever lost someone important to you?

No, not yet.

You're lucky.

Would you like a fudgy wedgie?

No, thanks. I'm okay.

Would you stay the night?

Pardon?

Oh, forget it.

You probably have to go home to your wife, right?

No, she's out of town. It's just... You probably wouldn't want to anyway.

I mean, this isn't exactly how you're used to living.

It's not that. I just... I don't think it's a good idea.

You and I have a professional relationship.

I guess I'll be going to bed now.

Alone.

You're still here?

I, um... I need help with my bra.

Do you think you could help me?

You know, I really need you to stay with me tonight.

I'm just not sure it's such a good idea.

No.

You don't think I'm pretty?

It's not that. I just... Is it the bed?

Don't you leave me!

Motherfucker!

It's a shame, too. A good -looking guy like you.

Don't worry about it, honey. I see it all the time.

That's better. See what we got there.

Don't talk.

Uh -huh, I knew it.

Married guy.

Married guys never want you to talk. They just want you to suck and fuck and

move on your merry way.

You know?

I had a married guy earlier this afternoon.

He just wanted me to fuck the shit out of his armpit.

Picture that.

He's a pretty good tipper, though.

Yep. Bet this is the first time you ever hired a prostitute, too, huh?

Yeah, it looks like the snapper hasn't poked a tad out of its shell in a coon's

egg. I told you, don't talk.

Just don't talk.

Stop. Stop.

Take it off.

What? Take it off if it bothers you.

The ring.

Take it off if it bothers you.

Why, so you can steal it?

Oh, so that's how it is.

You think that because you pay for me that I'm just some whoring fucking

You know, you're no better than me.

At least I'm not out here alone with my fucking hand on my cock in a fucking

apartment complex like some sick -ass pervert.

I'm sorry if I... You know what? If you took it up the ass as much as I do, you

might get a little fucking sensitive, too. You know, it ain't no big fucking

thing. I'm sorry.

Your balls must be bluer than shit.

It's not good for a man your age.

Gotta let them little sperm shits out to swim.

Otherwise they clog up.

Fuck with your head.

I don't want to cheat on my wife.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Stay on your left.

This will be perfectly pinned.

My friend.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You've been a wonderful audience.

Hey,

you know what?

I really can't let you drink any more in here, bud.

I can't.

It's all right.

It's all right. It's all right. He's with me.

All right. It's your responsibility.

Make sure he gets home in one piece.

All right. You're about on, Nipsey.

Hey, do that bit about the lesbian dinner party. I love that one.

Okay. You flamed me, bro.

Fucking stinks.

So anyways, what's up, Fred?

You know that saying about how it's better to regret something you have done

than something you haven't?

Listen, man, don't think for a minute I wouldn't trade what I have for what you

have, because I would.

What the hell do I have?

What do you got?

Someone to grow old with? Someone who cares about you? That's pretty good,

Now, you're arguing the sanctity of marriage.

You don't have to worry about somebody to grow old with because you're not

to grow old.

We're two years before me, and I'm twice as old as you.

With you, one's gone, open the window, another one ready to come right in.

Hey, you told me that you couldn't live with yourself if you cheated on Holly.

Boo -fucking -hoo.

So, you ready to get laid?

Yeah, I'm ready to get laid.

Serious? Oh, yeah. All right, come on. Let's go.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming. We're breathing

Yes, I'm a little bit tired. I flew in on the red eye.

What's that red eye?

Who's the marketing genius that thought of that?

I mean, how's that supposed to get anybody to fly?

I mean, what do you do? Hey, let's take this. It'll irritate our corneas.

Really,

my wife, she likes to fly. I hate it.

We flew to Hawaii.

Nice. That's what I'm talking about. All right, come on. Let's go get him. She

wanted to join the Mile High Club.

I mean, I didn't mind the initiation, but... Have you seen the newsletter?

I mean, really.

My wife, she loves sex. She's always trying to turn me on.

Mood music, lingerie, candles.

Take two or three hours to get me to do something that takes two or three

seconds.

He knows what I'm talking about.

It's not that I don't want to satisfy my wife.

Men and women, they have different needs.

I mean, my wife, she needs multiple orgasms. Me, all I need is the lingerie

section at Sunday Times in a wet rag.

He knows what I'm talking about.

Yeah, my wife only wants to blow me when I'm a fleek.

Hey, pal, I got two things to say to you.

One, what's wrong with that?

Two, is that what I think it is?

Well...

What do you do?

I'm a med student.

Really? You too?

Oh, yeah.

That's good, because I think he needs some medical attention.

I think she hates me.

Jack?

Get up. Come on.

Get up.

Oh yeah.

real life. You know, your personal life.

You want to know about my personal life?

Yeah, you know all about mine.

What is it to tell, really? The other night, my wife and I had an anniversary

party, and I found her in the bedroom masturbating to people fucking.

Later in the evening, when I came in her face, she started bitching at me about

how she hates it when guys come in her face. Guys is a plural.

I presumed she was having an affair, so consequently, I went off and tried to

fuck my receptionist in her father's deathbed. Somehow, I wound up in my car

jerking off. I almost got beaten senseless by a prostitute.

Ended up getting drunk, exposed my dick in a public bar, watched my friend fuck

a couple of med students, my practice went to hell. Meanwhile, I'm walking

around with so much semen backed up in my testicles that it hurts when I walk.

How the fuck are you?

Well, uh, that sounds like a sticky situation.

So you're fucking your cousin. How's that working for you?

Actually, it's wonderful.

And I have you to thank for it.

Well, I always say you can't have too much inbreeding.

Do you come here often?

It's my office, Sisley. I come here all the time.

Can you come here often?

To tell you the truth, I'm trying not to come so much.

Oh, why not?

Because... Fuck it. Get your foot out of my crotch. I don't even like feet.

Do me a favor, Sisley.

Try not to breed.

What should we have for dinner? The goose or the duck, Miss Martin?

Well,

maybe we should work up an appetite.

Like porn chicks.

No.

Sorry to disappoint you.

That's all right.

Nice outfit, though.

Nice snacks.

Do you have penis in your vagina?

I see you when I'm fixing the pipes.

Because she cheated on you first, man.

Matter of fact, I'd call it a blessing.

Just in time for tonight.

What the hell's tonight?

Come on. A party. I told you about it. My crazy friends up in Zuma.

Costume party.

Free for all.

Literally.

Was Cohen still here?

Nah. They had midterms to study for.

Who's that one?

Just a friend.

Like I said, man.

One's gone.

Just open the window. Another one waiting to come right in.

It's because I don't marry him, Fred.

Good job. What is it about Frank, Fred?

Whatever do you mean, dear boy?

I mean, guys?

There's no girls? Just guys?

Relax, Fred.

After all, you're the guest of honor.

Isn't he, boys?

Jack, now listen. I like girls. Just girls.

Not guys. Just girls.

Well, at least be gentle.

Fucking mama's boy.

No one quits on me.

That's not my fault!

Over here.

Yes, you do.

Think.

I just don't want to waste my life being faithful to an unfaithful person.

You just don't get it, do you?

There you are.

What happened to the front door?

I gotta talk to you. I got something to tell you.

Oh, my God. What happened to your head?

I fell.

Oh, sweetie.

I go away for a couple days and look what happens.

Can't leave you out of my sight, can I?

Listen, there's something I gotta tell you. Oh, before I forget.

Did you pay Imelda?

What the hell's Imelda?

Imelda's our maid.

She comes by every Friday to pick up her check.

You didn't get the note I left you?

Yesterday, Friday.

What time?

She comes by at 10 o 'clock, right before you go to work.

That was her.

Did you pay her?

I came home early from work. I saw somebody. I thought it was you.

Me? No, you silly freak. You know I've been gone.

So did you pay her? Did you get that note?

No, I couldn't get her attention.

What is so funny?

Oh, great. I don't know if you're giddy or going nuts on me.

I guess... I guess you owe me one.

What?

How's your other head?

What are you doing?

I just think after seven years of putting up with me, you're entitled to

what you want.

Thank you.