Original subtitles

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hey, Nelson, have you ever thought

of taking a stand on the ERA?

I don't think I should get involved

with Irish revolutionaries.

That's the IRA.

Don't you guys from Boulder ever read the newspapers?

Everybody knows ERA is "earned run average."

You know, maybe you two should be running mates.

Uh, hello, Nelson. Hi, Min.

Hi.

I suppose you'd like to know

why I'm walking backwards.

No. No, I'm sure you have your reasons.

I'd like to know.

Well, I… I lost another job, and I can't face Mind.

Oh, Mork!

I thought things were going really great at the pet store.

Well, they were,

but I wanted to have kind of a gestalt pet shop,

so I put all the animals together.

Well, I guess that was a mistake, huh?

You can't imagine the sight of seeing a little chimpanzee

trying to peel a goldfish like a banana.

Well, I hope you took it away from the chimp.

I didn't have to. He drowned.

It's dead? No, no.

I gave him artificial respiration,

and he gave me his phone number.

Now, I've made a new friend but lost a job.

Well, you can have a non-paying job right here

helping us come up with a platform for Nelson.

I don't believe it!

God's been reading my mind!

I don't think so. They're wearing clothes.

Why don't you go over there and talk to your friends?

Hello, ladies!

( LAUGHING )

Water's free. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gee, I wonder where all these beautiful girls came from.

Maybe there's a slow leak at the Playboy Club.

I didn't know Liberace had any children.

Actually, we're the Denver Bronco cheerleaders,

the Pony Express.

Hello. My name is Mork.

Nanu, and what do you do?

We dance at the football games.

Oh, what's the matter?

You can't get into Studio 54?

I saw all of you on last Sunday's game.

You were great.

Oh, yeah, you were wonderful.

So were the Broncos. They won.

They did?

I didn't notice that, but you did a good job,

and you were all very good.

Your job is to cheer people up?

Not always.

Today we're here to do a charity benefit.

You know, I'm pretty good at cheering people up.

Hey, let's pretend you're all depressed, okay?

Pretend the Ayatollah Khomeini has just bought Disneyland.

And Minnie Mouse has to wear a big veil.

All right. First, I'd like to do a few impressions for you.

Like to do a few impressions. Here we go.

My first impression is a California surfer

watching a total eclipse.

Wow, that's really mellow.

My next impression is King Kong in Las Vegas.

( GRUNTING )

( HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING )

( IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE ) Put me down, put me down!

My final impression I think you'll really enjoy

is Truman Capote as an NFL quarterback.

( AS TRUMAN CAPOTE ) It's gonna be an awfully long day.

That's pretty good.

If you learned a few dance steps,

you could be a cheerleader.

I think it's a great idea.

Except that all professional cheerleaders are women.

You know, I don't think there's any law about that.

Why don't you fill out an application

at Bronco headquarters?

Whoa! Tell you what. I think I will.

If things go right and I get this job,

I promise you, I'll personally spit shine

each and every one of those little spangle things.

Excuse me. One question.

How many chandeliers died to make those costumes?

When you dance, do you signal low-flying planes?

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( HUMMING )

Oh, a diaper.

Mindy's seeing a younger man.

And he's got a drinking problem.

Sally brought her baby over yesterday.

You expect me to believe that ridiculous story?!

Right. I was a fool to think you'd fall for it.

Right.

Why did you move my furniture all around?

Kathy and Ann are coming over to teach me

crowd excitation stimulation.

What?

Cheerleading to the laywoman.

Mork, I really wonder if you thought this thing through.

Sure I have.

Haven't I?

Well, if you get the job,

understand the social ramifications.

Well, I know about ramifications.

That's why Mary had a little lamb.

No.

See, a lot of people might make fun of you.

No, they made fun of me when I was walking backwards

for two miles.

Okay, I just… You know, I mean,

I'll back you no matter what you wanna do.

I just don't wanna see you get hurt.

Men and women should be allowed to do anything they want.

I mean, look, nowadays, there's women astronauts

and women lawyers.

Women mothers.

Right, Mork.

Actually, what you're doing is very courageous,

and it could just help the women's movement.

Well, all I wanna do, Mindy, is make Susan B. Anthony

stand up and cheer.

Susan B. Anthony is dead.

No wonder she looks so bad on that little dollar.

( KNOCKING ON DOOR )

Oh, come on in. It's open.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, no! Exploding habigines!

Get rid of them! Aah, quick!

They didn't explode. Heh-heh.

They were tired. I guess it was their mating season.

Mork is, uh, rehearsing for a play that he's in.

It's called The Attack of the Exploding Habigines.

- Uh, it's by Chekhov. - ANN: Really?

I'm a literature teacher, and I've never heard of it.

It's a very loose translation.

You probably know it as Oklahoma!.

Oh. You're a cheerleader and a lit teacher, huh?

I'm a lit teacher and a cheerleader.

And Kathy's a law student.

Really?

I thought jumping on a football field

was a full-time profession.

Are you kidding? We only get paid $15 a game.

We just do it for the fun and excitement.

Anyway, there's a lot more to it

than just jumping up and down.

It includes gymnastics, dance,

and lots of rehearsal.

Sounds like you have to be an all-around athlete.

Oh, come on, Mind. If that was true,

they'd roll right off the field. Ar-ar.

Why don't we get started?

We'll start with some warm-up exercises.

We've got a week to teach you the routine.

Oh! I'll get you your medication. It's okay. Wait.

Let's try the bike exercise, okay?

All right.

Mork, you're not riding the bike.

I am. Mine's a moped.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Hi there, happy faces.

ALL: Hi, Nelson.

You look happy. You get lucky?

No, I got an idea.

Oh, you came up with a platform?

No, nary a plank. Who needs a platform

when I'm going to be on national television?

The Gong Show answered your letter!

Hardy-har-har.

You know the Kennedy-Carter debates?

Well, I've volunteered to debate with them.

Uh, Nelson, you can't debate with Kennedy and Carter.

You see, they're running for president

and you're running for city council.

So what? We all put our pants on the same way.

If I can humiliate them on national television,

I'll go down in history books.

You'll go down in comic books.

Mind. Mind, you'll never guess where I've been.

Uh, to Denver

to file an application with the Pony Express.

Wow. Another incredible psychic occurrence.

Well, I filled out a few applications,

answered a few questions.

That's it? Well, yeah.

The woman said she'd make me a deal:

If I won't call her, she won't call me.

Mork, that means they're not even gonna let you try out.

Let's not jump to conclusions. Did they say anything else?

Well, she said, "This is one pony express

that carries no male."

That's sex discrimination.

That's terrible. That's illegal.

That's wonderful.

Don't you see?

Sex discrimination, that's a great platform.

I could get media coverage like that.

Who needs Kennedy and Carter when I've got sex?

Well, how is that gonna help Mork, Nelson?

Are we not Americans?

( MORK HUMMING "BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC" )

Are we not free to pursue the job of our choice

regardless of race, creed, color, or sex?

And if one of my countrymen wants to shake his pom-pom,

I, Nelson Flavor, will defend his right to the death.

( IMITATES DRUMS, FIREWORKS )

Sorry, Min.

I don't know why you want that job.

I mean, a real man just doesn't do girlie things.

Try and tell that to Roosevelt Grier

as he needlepoints on your nose.

I will go ahead. With Mindy's help,

I'm gonna break down

every sexual barrier that there is.

Me? What can I do?

Well, once I get through this,

I'm gonna make you the first female quarterback.

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Watch how long the counts will be then.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( ALL CHATTERING )

( DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO )

These are cheerleaders?

Boy, things sure have changed since I've gone to prep school.

I mean, how can you be a cheerleader

without a baggy sweater and knee socks?

I don't know, but that last move really cheered me up.

Will you guys stop staring?

They're just a bunch of girls.

Does my hair look all right?

Thank you, Kim. That was excellent.

You're on the team again this year.

Thanks, Pam. It's good to be back.

I'd like to see her in a baggy sweater.

I'd like to see her in a kangaroo suit.

Wah-ah-ah-ah!

Hi. My name's Peggy Black,

and I'd like to do a cheer for you.

Give me a B-U-N.

Give me a C-O-S.

What does that spell?

ALL: Buncos?

Uh, thank you, Peggy. We'll be in touch.

I thought you were very good.

Hi, Mork.

Pam, this is the guy I was telling you about.

Mork, this is Pam Stockhaus,

the manager of the Pony Express.

Nanu.

I'm Mindy McConnell and this is my cousin, Nelson Flavor.

The Nelson Flavor who was on the news last night

and called me a sexist?

Yes. Glad to know you.

The Nelson Flavor who threatened to take us

to the United Nations

if we didn't let his man try out?

That's me.

Mr. Flavor, I am not a sexist.

I discriminate against no one

except tall, blond politicians.

Well, that could be a lot of people.

Look, Pam, I know you're mad at Nelson,

and you probably should be.

He does get carried away now and then.

But let's not lose sight of what's really at stake here.

We're talking about equal rights.

Mork just wants a chance to try out for the job.

So I heard on the news. Every channel.

Well, he's been practicing really hard with your squad.

I mean, if he's no good, fine,

but he should at least have the chance to try.

Oh, okay.

It's against my better judgment,

but I suppose it won't hurt to look.

You're on, Mork.

( ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING )

Thank you.

( GIGGLING )

Thank you. Um…

( FANFARE PLAYING )

Two, four, 6.8.

We'll send your team home in a crate.

Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two.

That's all, folks. Nanu, nanu.

That was real nice work. We'll let you know.

Thanks.

Wait a minute. Mork was great.

You should let him know right now if he's on the team.

Okay. If you wanna…

What we have here

is a flagrant case of discrimination.

If I may cite the case of "Tiny" Jane Whitman

v. The Lubbock, Texas Little League…

If I could just finish.

I was trying to say yes, you're on the squad.

( ALL CHEERING )

( SHRIEKING )

Mork, your first game is on Sunday.

Now, you're gonna have to practice every day.

You've got a lot of routines to learn.

And remember, Mork, no special privileges.

Oh, no, he's not looking for any special privileges.

Well, the problem is, Mindy, we don't have the facilities

to take care of a male cheerleader.

You're gonna have to dress in the locker room with the squad.

I want total equality. When they jump, I'll jump.

When they change, I'll change.

When they shower, I'll shower.

That isn't equality. That's ecstasy.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Standby.

You're on. ( CLEARS THROAT )

This is Stu Scully, in the locker room

of the famed Denver Bronco cheerleaders, the Pony Express.

With me, Pam Stockhaus, their manager,

and a few of the girls.

Pam, I understand this is an important game for you.

Oh, that's right, Stu.

This afternoon, Denver will get an eyeful

of pro football's first male cheerleader.

What a cataclysmic event in the annals of football history.

His name is Mork.

And who would have thought that one day

we would see a male cheerleader

standing here in the Pony Express locker room?

But right now let's have a random sampling.

Hi, Stu Scully.

I wonder if you ladies would tell me

what it's like to have a man on the team.

Well, he's got a great pair of legs.

CHEERLEADER 2: And he's really become

one of the girls.

STU: Thank you.

Miss Stockhaus, what is your reaction

to accusations in the press of sexploitation?

Stu, for the rest of the season,

we plan to keep Mork barefoot and pregnant.

I wonder if I might have a word with your new star.

Uh, well, we have three locker rooms,

and I'm not sure which one he's in.

Sorry we're late, Pam.

We'll be right back. Okay.

Would say Mork is just a regular guy?

I'd say… ( WOMAN SCREAMING )

I think we found him.

Hi. Stu Scully, Denver Action News Team.

I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions

for our viewers out there.

Oh, sure. Hi, Mind. Hi, Nelson.

Orson, who knew? Nanu.

Ar-ar. Heh.

All you have to do is relax, speak your mind.

Well, sure. I've seen a lot of these on television.

I know how to handle these interviews.

Mork, how is it that a man can break

the sexual barriers of pro cheerleading?

We've got a good ball team here, Stu. A good ball club.

Right. But, tell me,

do the girls treat you any differently

than they would, say, a female member of the team?

We've got a good ball team here, Stu. A good ball club.

Stu, can you turn that off for a second?

I-I'm really scared. I mean,

I'm getting little butterflies in my knees. Know what I mean?

Mork, the girls would like you to say a little something

- before we go out on the field. - Come on, girls.

Come on. Come on in.

Now that we're all gathered together, girls,

I know we're in first place,

but, hey, big deal.

All that means is every other cheerleading squad in the league

is after our hemlines.

Hatfield.

Hatfield, I know the press has been rough on you.

They say you're on your last leap.

But, hey, who believes the Enquirer anyway?

Come on, now.

Sassoon, Sassoon, Sassoon. Okay.

Keep in mind the phrase

of that famous cheerleader, Boom Boom I. Rue

when she said: "Good girls don't get to Paris."

I want you to go out there and win this one for the zipper!

Now, come on, everybody get in the middle.

Pitch in!

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

( ALL CHEERING )

All right, let's go, let's go!

( MARCHING BAND PLAYING STEADY BEAT )

Hi, everybody. Nelson Flavor.

Hello. I'm Mork's friend. Hi.

I'm the guy that brought him here.

I'm Mork's friend. Yes, I am.

Vote for me, Flavor!

Nelson Flavor.

( CROWD CHATTERING )

Sure is a big day, Mindy.

ANNOUNCER: The Denver Broncos are proud to present

the Pony Express and its newest member,

pro football's first male cheerleader, Mork.

Ooh, won't be long now.

And here they are, the Pony Express.

( MARCHING BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC )

( CROWD CHEERING )

Go get 'em, Mork.

That's my boy.

CROWD: Yay, Mork! Yay, Mork!

( CROWD CHEERING )

CROWD ( CHANTING ): We want Mork!

We want Mork!

We want Mork!

We want Mork!

( CHANTING CONTINUES )

ANNOUNCER: I'm sorry, folks.

It looks as though Mork has changed his mind.

Mork, where are you going?

Mork? Wait up.

CROWD ( CHANTING ): We want Mork!

Mork?

Where are you? The crowd is calling for you.

MORK: I'm in here.

Which one?

MORK: I don't know. The number's on the outside.

Am I angry?

Sure.

Hey, I realize it's not easy for a guy to go out

in front of 73,144 people in a halter.

But you squelched my chance at greatness.

Nelson, leave him alone.

I'm sure he feels bad enough already.

Ah, it's probably my fault.

The Democrats have a donkey.

The Republicans have an elephant.

I had to pick a guy in a skirt.

Where is he anyway?

Try 1045.

( KNOCKING )

Mork, it's me, Mind.

Why don't you come out?

MORK: Be right down. I'm upstairs.

Mork.

I'd ask you in, Min, but the place is a mess.

Mork, come out of there.

What happened out there?

I don't know.

Felt all right when I ran on the field.

All of a sudden, I looked up

and I saw thousands of orange faces.

Mm.

And then I felt kind of ridiculous.

Then I guess I got chicken apples.

I think it's called stage fright, Mork.

Actually, it's called Orkan law, Mind.

We're not allowed to have meetings

of more than six people.

Why not?

Well, the seventh one gets stage fright.

Well, I'll tell you something, Mork.

I don't think I would have had enough nerve

to go out there in front of all those people.

Really? Mm-mm. I really don't.

But look at it this way. Even though it didn't work out,

at least you had the nerve to go out

and try something you really wanted to do.

A lot of people never even do that.

So you're not a failure 'cause you ran off the field.

You're a success because you ran on.

Oh. Thanks, Min.

You made me feel better.

Good. Now, why don't you change your clothes,

and I'll buy you lunch.

But can we not go out that way?

Oh, yeah. The crowd, right?

No, no. It's a linebacker, "No Neck" Nedboy.

When I ran out on the field, he winked at me.

He did? Okay.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( DOOR OPENS, CLOSES )

( SUSPENSEFUL THEME PLAYING )

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Give me an F. Give me an A.

Give me a T. Give me an S.

Give me an O.

What's that spell? ORSON: Mork!

Sir, I was just thinking about you.

What are you doing?

Well, I was cheering up, you pom-pomposity.

It's something I learned on my new job this week.

I joined a squad of lady cheerleaders.

How did you pass as a woman, Mork?

Well, I lied about my height, sir. Ar.

You see, sir, everything here on Earth is divided by sexes.

There's men's fashions, women's fashions.

There's boy talk, girl talk.

Stenographers, dictators.

Do Earthlings always separate the men from the women?

Oh, yes, sir.

They even have his and her towels.

But the real difficulty comes when they try and separate

the men's jobs from the women's jobs.

Why do they do that?

Maybe it's a question of quality.

Oh, no, sir. I think it's a question of equality.

You see, when you're dealing with people,

it's hard to tell the value of the merchandise

by looking at the shape of the package.

I can paraphrase that and say,

that sometimes the best man for a job is a woman.

And in your case, Mork,

the best woman for the job was you?

Well, sir, I gave it a shot, but…

You know, sir, after centuries, these humans have tried so hard

to prove that all men are created equal.

It's kind of nice to know that they're still working at it.

( AS WALTER CRONKITE ) And on that positive note,

that's all there is, there ain't no more.

This is little Mork signing off from the planet Earth.

Nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )