Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

You know, I love this part of the day.

When we get a few hours to ourselves.

Yeah.

You know what would make it really perfect, little pooter precious?

- Not again. - Oh. Come on.

We came so close last time.

- Oh, all right. - Oh, yay.

I want you to know this is the third time since the 11:00 news.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, heh-heh.

Alrighty.

Okay. At a four-way stop, who has the right of way?

Let's see. Any vehicle driven by a teamster.

No. Now, Mork, with answers like that, you're never gonna get your license.

I'll get served in restaurants where the maître d' goes:

"You wanna sit down now?"

Can you be serious for a minute?

- Certainly. - Okay.

Mommy and Daddy, I can't sleep.

The neighbors are so noisy.

By the way, what does "cheap floozy" mean?

Never mind. Why don't you lie down next to Daddy?

- Come on, Daddy. - I don't wanna lie down next to Daddy.

Teddy, what do you see, Teddy? Teddy always see something.

[GIBBERING]

Over there, Teddy. Here we go, Teddy.

You little sniffer. What is it?

Teddy sees cookies. Yes, maybe I will lie down with Daddy.

Mearth, you've got two choices.

We can finish the story we started at naptime and you can go to bed,

or you can just go to bed.

I think the choice is pretty obvious.

All right, while you kids have fun, I'm gonna work out

why half the people on the road found it and the other half never lost it.

Let's see, hand signals, we have a… Let's see, right turn, left turn,

ethnic neighborhood, right on, for sure, totally, maybe we don't know.

- Let's see. - Okay.

U-turn, not me. U-turn…

Okay, sweetie, here we go.

- Are you ready? - Yes, Teddy's listening too.

"The maiden told Rumpelstiltskin the king would behead her"

if she didn't spin all the straw into gold by dawn.

"Rumpelstiltskin offered to save her in exchange for her firstborn child."

You know something, Mommy? I've heard this story so many times.

That's where the maiden remembers Rumpelstiltskin's name

and marries a prince. End of story.

That's not how it ends, is it, Mind?

- I'm afraid so. - Muh!

You ruined that story for me.

And now, you wanna know something?

Wanna know what I know about Santa?

- Mork. - He's…

All right, Mind. All right.

I wanna tell you something, Mommy, very honestly.

These fairy tales are for babies.

I really think I've progressed to Joseph Wambaugh.

Mearth, you know, when I was a girl, I couldn't read enough fairy tales.

I used to dream that I could spin straw into gold

so that I could be a princess and live in a big castle.

Get ready for a real winner now, son.

It was a beautiful castle.

I had my very own white stallion named Snowball.

Or… No, no, Snowflake.

Or something like that, something to do with winter.

Anyway, we would ride Snowflake,

or Snowball, or whatever his name was,

to the neighboring castle

where Ricky Nelson, who was the neighboring prince, lived.

Ricky Nelson and I would get on Snowflake and go…

[MORK AND MEARTH SNORING]

[MORK AND MEARTH MUTTERING]

MINDY: My stories aren't so bad.

I'm a riot at bridal showers.

MORK: All right now, son, I want you to add one cup of faditche.

Put it in there, that's it.

Don't be too liberal with that.

And a little bit of nipgeeze.

There it is, a little touch of nipgeeze there. Mm-hm.

That's it. Just a pinch. All right, and one kosher salami.

Here we go, there we are.

Hey, Mearth.

Mearth, your grandpops has done it again.

I got a couple of tickets to the Ice Capades.

Of course, I had to go to a scalper.

Oh, you've been going to one of those for years, haven't you?

[MORK IMITATES BUZZ SAW]

[MORK AND MEARTH LAUGH]

Very funny, Mork. Ver…

Hey, this is a pretty sophisticated piece of equipment.

What are you two doing?

We're making gold for Mommy.

You're making gold?

What did I just get through saying?

You've got to learn to pay attention, Grandpops.

[MEARTH WHISTLES]

But, Mearth, you can't make gold. Nobody can.

That's why it's worth $400 an ounce.

Oh, come on now, Pops. Four-hundred dollars an ounce?

If you were saying mustard or sand, I could say, "Hey."

But gold, that much? Get off it there, Dad.

- I think it's ready, Daddy. - All right.

Pops, can we borrow your tie, please?

- My what? - What did he say?

Didn't he say give him your tie?

- You just don't listen. - All right.

I'm about to turn this bargain-basement tie into pure gold.

Oh, ho-ho. This is gonna work. I know it will, son. Here it is.

Ready? Give it five seconds.

[MORK COUNTS IN ORKAN]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. No.

Mork, you may be my son-in-law, but think about this:

I've never taken a picture with you.

Come on, Mearth, let's go. See you later, Goldfinger.

If there were advice I could give you, Daddy, don't sweat it.

What went wrong? What?

Wait a minute. This cheap tie is pure silk.

The recipe calls for polyester.

Yes.

[CHUCKLES]

Improvise. This will do it. Put it in there.

You've got to do it for me. Please.

Or I'll lose my government grant.

There are no more government grants. Who cares?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

I've done it.

They didn't believe me. I did it.

We're filthy rich. We'll never have to pay taxes again.

MINDY: You bought this mansion?

MORK: We made 3 tons of gold. We could have bought Zambia.

Wow.

Yes, this is the downstairs reading room.

Upstairs we have periodicals and books by the Wallace family.

- Mork, it's huge. - Well…

I mean, I've never seen a room with a horizon before.

You're probably wondering how I get the books down from the top shelf.

Uh, with our helicopter?

Close, but no banana. Heh.

[BELL RINGS]

Yo, Ms. Beasley!

BEASLEY: Yes, Mr. McConnell. Perhaps a little poetry?

D.H. Lawrence, E.E. Cummings, B.B. King?

Oh, not today. Maybe tomorrow we'll play a little one-on-one and a half.

Well, Mind, should I show you the zoo now or later?

[JET ROARING OVERHEAD]

What was that?

Oh, probably just the chef taking the gardeners home.

- We have a jet? - Well…

Oh, Mork. This is just all so much for anyone to have.

Why do I feel guilty about not feeling guilty?

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind, my little WASPette. Heh-heh.

For the first time in our relationship,

I can provide for you and fund public television. So just humor me, huh?

But, you know, this house is just… It's really too big for just the three of us.

I don't know how I'm gonna keep it up.

Well, reach out and touch someone because, you know,

help is just a tinkle away.

[BELL RINGS]

Yo, staff!

Mind, Mind, inspect them, inspect them, honey.

I can't, Mork.

- I feel like the border patrol. - Mind, you're the lady of the house.

The least you could do is look down your nose at them.

MINDY: Um…

Well, I'd like you all to know that I'm very happy to meet all of you.

And, uh, I'm looking forward to getting to know

each and every one of you personally.

A court jester?

Yes. It's so hard to find one without a hump, Mind.

He's got great references, though. He used to work for Marshal Tito.

Well, thank you, everyone.

Everyone grab a straw and go down to the swamp.

They love me, honey. They really do.

[JESTER CACKLES]

[MORK LAUGHS]

You know, it's so hard to find good wit nowadays.

Yeah. Mork, I don't know if I'm going to be able to get used to all this.

Oh, honey, now, come on. We're still the same people we were

when we lived in that little, tiny cracker-box apartment.

Mommy.

How about a couple of sets of tennis?

Mearth, where's that girl I hired to teach you tennis?

Tracy? Tracy, come on in.

Come on, take big steps.

You hired Tracy Austin to teach Mearth, huh?

Tracy.

Come on, I'll show you how to blink back the tears

when the line calls go against you.

You hired the number-one woman player in the world to teach Mearth?

Well, yes, we're getting murdered in doubles. We had to do something.

Come on, hon, I've got Arnold Schwarzenegger

waiting in the gym to give you a massage.

Okay, king me.

[QUENTIN SIGHS]

Excellent move, sir. I didn't see that coming.

Oh, please, Quentin. Are you kidding?

Mr. Magoo would've seen that one coming.

Why did you do that, Quentin?

- You let me win, didn't you? - Yes, yes, sir.

- Why did you let me win? - I value my job, sir,

as someday I dream of opening my own truck-rental agency.

The game is over.

Great game. Great game, ladies and gentlemen.

Good, good.

Can I get you a before-dinner Bosco?

No, you can't get me a before-dinner Bosco.

You know why? You just like to say "Bosco."

To be sure.

I don't like him.

What's wrong, Mearth?

Oh, Mommy, I'm bored.

I've been all through this place.

All the rooms. I'm tired and I miss Daddy.

I know, sweetheart. I do too.

But I'm gonna talk to him about spending more time together, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

As a little backup, I made an appointment with him.

As a matter of fact, for Tuesday, in his office.

Gosh, I hope I can find his office.

QUENTIN: Madam, there's a gentleman here to see you.

I believe he's called "Pops."

Oh! Oh, great, send him in.

Send him in.

Very good.

Pops.

How are you, sweetheart?

Where's that genius son-in-law of mine?

- Mork buy you that coat? - I guess so.

I found it in the trunk of the Rolls he gave me.

Is everybody going crazy around here?

Oh, honey, now, now, look, I know exactly what you're thinking.

I mean, I've always brought you up to appreciate the simple things in life,

but, honey, you have to understand at the time I was poor and stupid.

Oh, no, Dad, listen to me. This has just gone too far. Look at us.

Look at you and me and especially Mork.

How dare you talk about Mork that way.

[HORN HONKING]

Thank you, Thomas.

Come back around 5. We might need a ride to the front door.

Don't bother washing it. We'll buy another one.

Oh, Mind, darling, how are you? Big kiss. Mwah!

Poppy, how are you? How are you?

- Hello, son. How are you? - Oh, not too bad.

Though I lost a $100,000 today.

- Oh, stock market? - No, hole in my pants. Heh-heh.

Oh, hon, time to play our little game again.

- Right hand or left hand? Come on. - Mork, not again.

Oh, come on. You know how it makes me feel.

- Come on, come on, come on. - Okay.

- Um, the right one. - Behold.

Oh, there we go. Little oyster droppings here.

- There we are, huh? - Oh, what a guy.

Honey, I've always told you it's just as easy to marry a rich alien

as it is to marry a poor graduate student.

- Mork. Mork, we have to talk. - Poppo.

Look, I don't want your presents. I want you.

Just buying things isn't the answer to everything.

Neither is penicillin, but it sure helps a strep throat.

Mork, I mean, look at us.

A minute ago I walked in here

and Mearth was playing a game of human checkers.

Did Quentin beat him? I told him,

lose or else go back to being Gaddafi's food taster.

I'll get a hold of him right now. Don't you worry.

[DIFFERENT BELLS RINGING]

Yo!

Mork, this is what I'm talking about.

Mind, I…

Oh, yeah.

[MORK SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Will you talk to him, please? - Of course I will, honey.

Now, look, son,

you're the man of the house now,

and I think you should run it any way you want.

Thanks, Dad.

Mork, we're gonna have to talk about this later

because I gotta get changed to go to work, but I wanna talk to you.

Oh, you don't have to because I resigned you.

- You resigned me? MORK: Well…

Well, what about my career?

Well, if it means that much to you, I'll just have to buy you NBC.

Yes, and he'll do it too.

He bought me the New York Philharmonic.

I knew Bernstein had a price.

Well, I don't want things just handed to me.

I wanna work for my career, for my success.

Well, once you have NBC, you'll have to earn every penny.

[MORK SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Olga.

Looking good.

Mork, what about Mearth?

You just can't raise a normal child in this kind of an environment.

Didn't you get my memo?

Next week I'm sending him to school in Switzerland.

Switzerland? All right, now you've gone too far.

If that's too far, we'll send him to school in England.

Mork. Listen to me.

Mork, I'm not happy here. This isn't our home.

- Let's go back to our apartment. - Well, this is our home, hon.

Well, it might be your home, but it's not for Mearth and me.

Well, now, wait a minute, hon. Where are you going?

I'm going home to our little cracker-box apartment.

- Here. - But wait, wait, wait.

You can't go now. J.D. Salinger's coming over to shoot the bull.

[DOOR CLOSES]

She's gone, Pop.

Ah! She'll get over it.

Oh, Pops. Pops, reason with her.

Tell her opportunity only knocks once unless you're Neil Sedaka.

- Excuse me, sir. - Yes, Quentin.

- Will there be anything else? - Oh, yes, yes.

Let's fly down to Rio. It's Carnival time.

We'll put on those big heads and try and get in the car.

[QUENTIN SIGHS]

I'd love to, sir, but this is the day I spend with my family.

Oh, that's right.

Well, take care and have a good day.

- Good day, sir. - Say hello to Carmelita.

I certainly will, sir.

[WHISTLES]

[ECHOING] Hello.

Well, self-reliance is fine,

but I miss being waited on hand and foot.

I miss Daddy.

Well, I miss Daddy too,

but even more, I miss being waited on hand and foot.

That's not very nice.

I don't care if it's very nice.

I'm spoiled rotten. I know that.

This is no time for sensitivity.

- Shh. - Da…

Mork.

- Mind. - Oh, Mork, you came back.

I knew you would. I knew you'd listen to what I said

and realize that love is what makes our world go round.

Oh, hon, well, actually, that's real close

because I came back to tell you that

I'm going around the world, heh-heh, with my new love.

Mind, not only is she intelligent and well-read,

she can spike a volleyball from here to Key West.

Kareem, eat your heart out.

[BARKING]

[SOBBING] Oh, no.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, wake up.

Oh, I was sleeping.

Sleeping? You were snoring so loud I had to have Mearth wake you up

before you blew your adenoids across the room.

Mork, you're back. I mean, you're home.

- I mean… - Well, why shouldn't I? I mean,

my name's on the mailbox, my clothes are in the closet, my hair's on the soap.

Oh, you know, I had such a weird dream.

What kind of a dream?

Oh, I dreamed, um…

I dreamed that we lived in a big mansion with, um, butlers

and maids and Tracy Austin.

And then you left us.

Oh, Mind, I mean, how can you dream that? I'd never leave you.

I mean, with you my life has meaning,

and without you, I'd just be another alien forced to do his own laundry.

It was just a silly dream.

I dreamed you could turn polyester into gold. Heh.

Make gold?

[MORK AND MEARTH LAUGH]

I mean, it's impossible to make gold.

But diamonds are a snap.

Mearth, go in the garage, get those charcoal briquettes.

Mindy, you warm up the waffle iron. I'll go get my Oil of Olay.

No, I don't want diamonds. And I don't want gold.

MORK: Oh.

Well, how about some French toast?

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, O Potentate of Pasta.

ORSON: Laying down on the job again, Mork?

Oh, no, sir. I'm just getting in my mood for my report to you on dreams,

a wonderful aspect of Earth behavior.

Dreams? That's wonderful. What are they?

They're little images that appear in an Earthling's mind

when he's sleeping.

For example, sir, they come fast and furious,

and sometimes they're out of sequence just like a Fellini film.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[IMITATES CAR]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN WITH FEMININE VOICE]

They can take you to wonderful, strange places.

They can haunt you: Ah! They can thrill you: Oh!

- I see. - Yes, sir.

Another frivolous Earth activity, like marching bands.

Oh, no, sir.

Dreams allow one to imagine strange and wonderful things.

The most precious dreams of all, sir,

are the ones that give you a hope for tomorrow.

Till next week, sir, sweet dreams and na-no, na-no.

[SIGHS]