Original subtitles

I love my new job.

I just wish the station would give me better assignments.

All I've been covering lately are grocery store openings and flower exhibits

and that dumb dog show this afternoon.

Come on, are you kidding? Those dogs are great little performers.

I wonder why that guy got mad when I tried to wind up his toy poodle.

Oh, yeah.

- Hi, it's me. - Oh, hi.

I saw you come in.

You know how I hate to bother you two,

but I'm having a very special lady over tomorrow night,

Lorraine Sue Ruttenberg,

and I'd like to borrow a few record albums.

- Oh, is this someone important? - Hopefully.

I'm bringing her all the way from Phoenix at enormous expense.

Do you realize how much bus fare is these days?

Well, I'll get you the record albums.

You're probably looking to set the proper mood, eh?

No, I'm looking for cheap thrills.

Oh, here's one of my favorites:

Or a bat can go:

I was thinking more along the lines of Perry Como.

All I have is his Christmas album.

Perfect. "Little Drummer Boy" works quicker than liquor.

Well, good luck, Bick, and thanks for coming by.

You know, it's really...

Mork, if you don't mind,

I'd like to take my hand back home with me.

Mork. Come on, Mork.

Gee, Mr. Bickley, it's too bad you have to run.

I don't think so.

That boy's a little thin from the neck up.

No. Bye.

Mork? Mork?

Oh, no, now, what am I gonna do?

Mork?

Bye, Mr. Bickley.

Mork, what happened to you? You just spaced out.

I'm sorry, Mind, I got a call from Orson.

I had to put my body on hold.

- Oh, Mind, you'll never guess what. - I never have yet.

You'll never guess who's gonna grace us with his magnificent presence.

- Who? - Xerko.

Xerko.

One of the Marx brothers?

No, no, Mind. No.

Oh, he's my hero, my idol.

He's the greatest Orkan that's ever lived.

He's coming here, Mind, he's coming here.

Why would this Xerox wanna come here?

No, no, his name is Xerko, Mind,

and there's no duplicating him.

I don't know why he wants to come here.

Orson didn't tell me, I guess he wanted to make it a surprise.

Isn't it wonderful, though? Oh, boy, he's gonna love our little nest.

It's so warm and wonderful.

Oh, I've gotta clean up this pigsty.

It's filthy.

Xerko?

Oh, Mork, nice to see you again. It's been bleams, na-no.

Oh, sir, you remembered my insignificant, dirt ball name.

Why of course, Mork. My memory is impeccable.

Oh, and the rest of us are merely peccable, sir.

Oh, sir, na-no.

Oh, it's been so long, sir.

I'm gonna have to have this hand bronzed.

Sir, sir, how was your journey?

It was delightful, thank you.

Yes, I came via Air Ork's H-28 prototype beam.

Oh, traveling by beam. I mean, who thought of that?

Well, actually, Mork, I did.

What will I think of next?

Oh, what a guy. I mean...

Why are you here? Orson didn't tell me.

Wait a minute, did I win spend-a-day-with-a-hero contest?

No, no, but we'll have plenty of time to talk about my mission later.

Mork, I admire very much,

admire very much what you've done with this environment.

Oh, you admire something of mine, sir?

You'll find that I admire many things of yours.

Oh, I see you have an Orkan landscape.

Oh, yes, it's a Van Yuch. I have a good ear for paintings.

How nice. I have the original, you know.

Van Yuch himself is hanging in my house.

I hope somebody remembers to feed him while I'm gone.

Mork, I wanna talk about your Earth reports.

Now, they've become so colorful

that Earth is being considered an up-and-coming planet on the move.

We broke the top 40?

- I mean, we're 16 with a bullet? - That's right.

But it seems that the Earth people are so hungry for leadership.

They need someone to guide them into the next century.

And I know just the Orkan who can do it.

Thank you, sir, I'd better go hop in the shower.

Mork. Mork, silly misguided Mork.

I was referring, of course, to myself.

Twinkle of eye, sparkle of teeth.

Oh, me, vacuous of head. I should have known better.

I mean, you're the best there is in the whole universe.

I ought to know, I'm a Xerko groupie. See?

Well, remind me to send you a Xerko lunchbox.

Sir, I mean, I can't believe this. Why am I so lucky?

Because, Mork, you are a key person in my plan for success.

Plan? What's your plan, sir, please? What's the plan...?

Mork, you are so inquisitive.

Now, that's what sets us apart.

You ask and I know.

But you must be patient, my friend.

This also involves your Earthling, Mindy, as well.

I'd like to explain it to the two of you when you're together.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

I mean, once again, you're right, Your Everything.

I mean, I can wait just till morning, you know, that's:

Morning already?

Come, sir, let's go, come here. Oh, wait.

Not necessary.

Oh, sir, even though Mindy's asleep, she's gonna be thrilled to meet you.

Well, who can blame her?

Mind, wake up and come out and be filled with awe.

I hope she's wearing her bunny slippers, they're so cute.

- Hi. - I thought you were asleep.

Are you kidding? How could I sleep knowing I'm gonna have a guest

from another galaxy? Is he here yet?

Oh, I don't know, really, Mind, I really don't.

Mind, meet Xerko.

See him, feel him, touch him.

Well, hello.

Hello, Mindy. This is indeed a pleasure.

I've heard so much about you through Mork's reports to Orson.

I must say you're even more lovely.

Oh, well, thank you.

Isn't he wonderful, Mind?

Isn't he everything you ever dreamed of,

especially compared to worm sweat like me?

Welcome to Earth, or na-no, na-no, or whatever I'm supposed to say.

Say what you feel.

Are you sure you're an Orkan?

Of course I am, but I've studied your ways

and I find Earth a fascinating planet. Very fascinating.

And you help make it that way.

Oh, well, shucks and wazoo.

Where have I heard that before?

Mind, he's got a wonderful surprise to tell us.

He had to tell us when we're together.

- What's that surprise, Xerko? - I want your job.

Oh, shucks.

Mindy, what...?

He wants my job.

What do you mean, you want his job?

Well, after a mere formality, the ancient duel of the Hollitacker,

I will become Ork's new observer here on Earth.

Wait a minute, you have everything. Why do you want what I have?

Your reports are becoming too popular and I can't have that.

Unless, of course, I'm giving them.

It would be a giant step in my illustrious career.

And I'm what he wants to step in.

Oh, Mind, I don't have any chance against Xerko the Godlike.

You two will be very happy together.

Really, you really will.

Mork, you can't just give up.

Yup, sure can. Oh, yeah.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going outside to re-carve that heart that's out on the tree outside to say:

"Xerko and Mindy."

Goodbye.

Oh, by the way, she likes her bologna sundaes without bologna.

Dad, I thought I could handle this myself, but...

You better sit down.

Another Orkan has come to replace Mork and live with me.

I better sit down.

Are you saying there's another Orkan in this house right now?

Yeah, his name is Xerko.

And he and Mork are gonna have some kind of game

called a Holliquacker or Tacker. I don't know what it is.

What's that?

Well, it's when one Orkan challenges another for his job.

He's really trying to take over and I don't know what to do about it.

Honey, don't worry. I'll have a talk with this Xerko.

It isn't that easy.

He's been here less than a day

and he's already tuned up my Jeep, made all his own Earth clothes

and scraped the bugs out of my ceiling lights.

Well, I don't care what he's done.

He just can't come barging into other people's planets and take over.

Okay, little Bebo, we'll have tickle time again tomorrow.

Come on, little fellow.

Now, listen, Mr. Zero.

Oh, you mean Xerko.

You must be Mindy's biological father.

How do you do, Mr. McConnell? It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, well, thank you.

But I really think we should have a talk.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Shall we all sit down?

Please.

Oh, may I say how nice it is to see people dressing for dinner again.

He's dressed that way because he's the conductor

for the Boulder Symphony Orchestra.

Well, what an honor.

May I ask you, Mr. McConnell, do you enjoy Stravinsky?

Stravinsky? How do you know about Stravinsky?

Oh, we monitor all Earth broadcasts.

Now, I thought that Stravinsky reached his zenith during "Rites of Spring",

until, of course, I heard his "Firebird Suite".

Do you agree?

You know... You know, you're right.

You must have quite a musical background.

Well, actually, I composed the Ork national anthem.

I wrote the song that made my whole world sing.

Really? That's quite impressive.

Thank you, Mr. McConnell.

- Call me Fred. - Why, I'd like that.

I'd also like to see you conduct sometime.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I have a performance in less than an hour and I'm late.

- Oh, can I come along with you, Fred? - Of course.

You'd enjoy it. Tonight we're doing Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony".

Marvelous. Maybe I can finished it for him.

Dad, remember Mork? Mork.

- Oh, yes. Oh, now... Now, Xerko... - Here's your coat, Fred.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Nice coat.

You don't happen to have the pattern, do you?

And now, really, now listen,

you just can't come down to Earth and move in like this.

Now, please, I understand your concern,

but Mork's been here for a couple of years

and you've had a chance to grow attached to him.

I'm sure, if given time, you'll grow attached to me too.

- Well, you like Stravinsky. - Dad.

Oh, honey, Xerko seems like a civilized being.

I'm sure that I can reason with him.

Don't worry, honey. Goodbye.

Remember, the Hollitacker's at midnight.

I want you there when Mork concedes, and wear something tight.

Well, Mork isn't gonna concede if I have anything to do with it.

He might not believe in himself, but I believe in Mork.

I love it when you're angry.

Who said you had to go to Disneyland to have fun on Earth?

You're an E-ticket.

Mork, stop that packing.

You're not a quitter.

Look, I understand how you feel.

When I was a little girl, there was this kid in school

who was always the best at everything.

She was class president

and cafeteria monitor and teacher's pet.

The one thing I was really good at in school was spelling.

But she was better.

Maybe we should get her to fight the Hollitacker, Mind.

Every year at the school spelling bee,

there were only just two of us left on the stage, her and me.

And every year, she was always the last one standing on that stage.

But I kept trying, until one time it was just down between the two of us,

and the word was hors d'oeuvres.

And she blew it.

Oh, it was wonderful.

You mean, you beat her? You won?

Yeah. And I still have the ribbon to prove it.

See, you can do it if you try.

How are you gonna know otherwise?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Mind.

- You really think I have a chance? - Sure, Mork.

If you want something, you'll find a way to get it.

- Yeah. - I know you can do it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can do it. Yeah.

Whatever happened to that girl, Mind?

I don't know.

I kind of lost track of her after she won the Nobel Prize.

Let the Hollitacker begin.

Mork, come down and be defeated.

Oh, Mindy, you look absolutely beautiful.

After I win, I will present you with the fruits of my victory,

Mork's ears.

Ears?

Well, Mork told me this was a non-violent contest.

Oh, it is. Orkan ears screw off.

Mork, do I take your continued absence to mean a forfeit?

Never. I'm just waiting till my knees to stop knocking.

Mork runs from no man.

And tonight, I'm gonna try... Try to do my best.

Well, maybe it's a good night to do my laundry, Mind.

Oh, Mork.

Remember, no matter what happens, you're a winner to me.

Oh, thank you, Mind.

I brought the ribbon that I won at the spelling bee.

I want you to wear it to remind you of a little girl who wouldn't give up.

- Oh, thank you, Mind. - Okay?

There you go. Good luck, Mork.

Oh, thank you. Oh, no, Mind. Pardon me.

- I'll try even though it does clash. - Okay.

- Give him hell. - All right, Mind.

The choice of weapons goes to the challenger.

And I choose the Swords of Cletus.

I was hoping he'd opt for spatulas, Mind.

Take your pick.

Eenie, meenie, minie, Cletus,

hope he doesn't try to cheat us. This one.

But I don't see anything.

Of course not. The Swords of Cletus are invisible.

Observe.

Oh, I get the point.

Oh, that's nothing.

You see that fly up there?

Yeah, but it's still alive.

Yes, but wait till he tries to land.

Okay.

All right, we all know the rules here, don't we?

First man to push his opponent back through the goals wins the Hollitacker.

Now, I want a clean fight here.

And cross blades and may the second-best Orkan win.

Good luck, Mork. You can do it.

Okay.

Not now, not now.

Begin.

Don't fall in.

It always looked easier from the stands, Mind.

All right.

Time out.

- Time in. - Oh, time in?

A little closer.

Mind, your help, please.

If you find the sword, you'll recognize it.

It's the only one you can't see.

My furniture.

It's all right, my dear. When I move in, I'll redecorate.

Hello.

It's for you, Mind.

We've been cut off.

- Mind. - Oh, I think I've found it.

Can you try to hurry up, Mind? No pressure.

One, two, three.

- Here, catch. - Mind.

Pick on me when I'm down, huh?

Well, I'm not anymore.

I'm coming.

Make way, Mind.

Don't make them like they used to.

- Quick, Mork. - Not now, my sweet, have patience.

What's going on in there?

Ixnay on the ollitackerhay.

What have you got against love?

Lorraine Sue's heart was beating faster

than the little drummer boy's stick

and you have to start playing hide and go kinky.

And what's the situation now?

Lorraine Sue is thumbing her way back to Phoenix

and I'm left with my motor racing and no place to park.

Oh, and by the way, don't bother trying to explain this.

I'm sure I'll be filled in by the vice squad later.

All right, Mork, it's been fun, but all good things must come to an end.

Earth and Mindy are now mine.

Eat garlic.

- Please, Mork. - You've got it in for you.

That's it. You've gone too far now.

You've cut Mindy's ribbon.

And that, this is for Mindy.

That's for the couch, that's for the fly,

that's for the candle and this is for...

I hope you didn't take anything I said seriously.

Heat of the battle and all that rot.

All right, Mork. Enough is enough.

It's time to draw this to a close.

Not a bad little dueler.

Not a bad little dancer.

Goodbye, Mork.

You did it. You won.

I don't believe it. You won.

I didn't win. It was your ribbon that really helped.

Congratulations. You fought valiantly.

I've never lost anything before.

I just can't imagine being beaten by Mork.

Well, I think you've learned a good lesson.

On Earth, it's called humility.

Humility.

Yes, strange new stirrings within me.

I'm beginning to feel it.

Yes, thanks to you, Mork, I have acquired humility.

Now, I have everything.

I'll be the perfect leader for the next planet

I decide to grace with my presence.

Well, goodbye.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Farewell, my flawed leader.

Well, Mork, I sure am proud of you.

Well, you know something, Mind, me too.

- Sorry the house is kind of torn apart. - Yeah.

Well, I guess the most important thing is that you're back together again.

The very most important thing is that we're back together again, Mind.

You know, you never told me that Orkan ears unscrew.

Gee, I'm afraid to ask what else comes off.

You got me, Mind. I've tried everything.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Your Grand-Central-Stationness.

- Are you still there, Mork? - Oh, yes, sir.

I heard Xerko challenged you to a Hollitacker.

He did, sir.

But I came, I saw, I conquered.

What? What?

All right, sir, actually, I quivered, I ran, I squeaked by.

Jizzix the Greek gave odds that you wouldn't even show up.

- I know that, sir. - I'm out big bucks, Mork.

Me too, sir. I lost 20 myself.

But I found something even more valuable, sir.

I learned that if you bet against yourself, you always lose.

A little proverb from Monty Hall.

But you wound up winning, Mork. Doesn't that feel good?

Oh, yes, sir. But what makes me feel better is the fact that I tried.

You see, it's not what's in front of you that blocks your way,

it's what's inside of you that holds you back.

The problem with you is what's inside of you is what's in front of you.

A little shot for betting against me.

Until next week, Your Green-Felt-Jungleness.