Original subtitles

Finally, the crew of the Calypso and myself.

These boys have been at sea for a long time.

We're finally looking for the great white in dangerous waters.

They say this is the black hole, the deep trench.

We don't know why we are here, but they pay us, we go anyway.

It is a very dangerous search so I send Falco down, my assistant.

No, please, Jacques, no.

Quiet, Falco, when you have your own specials, you can give me stuff.

But, please, no. No, please.

No, must I go down?

Yes, you must go down there now.

No, please, no, no.

What do you see down there, Falco?

What does it look like there?

What did you say?

All right, now, Falco, what do you see when I send down

this sucker to help you with your search?

Hold on there.

At last, we have found him.

Erik Estrada. Stunning. Yes.

There you are, the great Jaws himself.

I'll get it. No, you want to get it?

It's all right? Good.

Howdy, howdy, howdy, friend, and, hey, how are you doing?

Ernest Travers is my name. Insurance is my game.

Oh, good hands.

Where is your fire hat and your little moose? My name is Mork.

Well, Mr. Mork, let me tell you something, buddy.

Today, today, Mr. Mork, is your lucky day.

- Oh, really? - Do you wanna know why?

Is David Brenner not hosting The Tonight Show?

Even better, buddy.

We are talking about protection.

Oh, I know about protection.

Yo, Mr. Mork, you can have a choice here.

You can either learn to dance or talk slowly.

You can get 100 do...

I said, $100 a day,

and all you gotta do is get seriously injured.

Why, do you realize that one out of four people

get hospitalized every year?

Oh, what is this?

- Some kind of setup for a sick joke? - No, no, no.

Friend, it's perfectly true.

Why, seven people have gotten sick just as I've been talking to you.

Oh, really? Oh, no.

Oh, we should be talking in sign language.

- And that's not all. - Oh, sir.

Why, there are over 4 million automobile accidents every year.

Not to mention fires and earthquakes.

- And twisters. - Oh, no.

A big old twister of '47 screwed my granny right into the ground.

Oh, no. Mondo Irwin Allen.

But, son, you will be protected with our coverage

for just a few measly pennies a day.

Oh, who cares? Where do I sign?

- Where do I sign? - Right here.

- Oh, thank you. - Right there.

- Right there. - Hi.

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.

Mind.

Do you wanna sign here, buddy?

- Who's your friend? - Howdy, ma'am.

Honest Ernest Travers, Pikes Peak Calamity and Auto.

Nice to meet you. Do you wanna sign here?

Mork, you never sign anything before you read it.

Come on, Mind, I might go belly up between the O and the R. Let's go.

No. Mork, I really don't think you can afford insurance.

Sure I can. It only costs a few measly pennies.

The ones with President Measly on them.

How many measly pennies?

Now, madam, you cannot put a price tag on coverage like this.

How much?

Oh, about 300 a month, but he's protected from any disaster.

Do you please wanna sign this thing, please?

Gotta have this in case meatloaf falls on me.

I don't wanna end up as a Hamburger Helper.

- Mork. - Trust me, trust me, friend.

Now, your health and welfare is our only concern.

He doesn't have any money.

Thank you very much and goodbye.

You can't just leave after scaring the bejeebies out of me.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye, bye.

Mindy, he said bye. Mind, I don't think...

White man come, take Bic.

Mind, I needed that protection. Why wouldn't you let me get it?

Oh, Mork. On Earth, some salesmen aren't always ethical.

Besides, it sounds like he was using scare tactics

to talk you into something you don't need.

It worked. There might be something awful lurking outside the door.

Mork, there's nothing lurking outside the door that wasn't there last night.

You're not sure? Behind you.

- You didn't fall for it, eh? - No.

Come on, let's make the checklist for the trip.

You're gonna love Yellowstone this time of year.

- It's so pretty. - Yeah.

Especially this time…

This time of year is winter, isn't it, Mind?

Don't people freeze their klarns off in winter?

We're gonna be staying in a nice, warm lodge.

Oh, that's better, yeah. Nice, warm...

Well, couldn't that lodge get real warm if it burned down, Mind?

It's not gonna burn down.

Oh, yeah? What happens if some big Boy Scout rubs two rooms together?

Mork, we've been planning this trip for weeks now.

You don't wanna disappoint Nelson and Glenda, do you?

- Maybe. - That salesman made you paranoid.

Why do you say that, Mind?

If you think about it logically, what could possibly happen to you?

- Come on, really. - Yeah, you're right. Be logical, Mind.

Wait a minute, Mind.

You know how kind of cute and cuddly I am?

What if one of those big grizzly bears decides to take a Morky doll to bed?

I mean, they sleep all winter. What happens if it comes spring?

I don't wanna wake up as Smokey's fiance.

Hey, Mr. Bickley, where's Mork? I got your lunch.

Well, he's calling the weather service in Yokohama.

He wanted to see if a tidal wave was headed for Boulder.

A tidal wave in Boulder. Wow, that's great.

Listen, what is Mork so anxious about, anyway?

Modern living.

Mork. Mork, are you all right?

I mean, compared to your normal level of strangeness.

I don't know. Today is but a fetus.

- I almost met Mr. Reaper. It was grim. - What happened?

Well, I was out there making a phone call,

and a block away, a van swerved and hit a wall.

- What does that have to do with you? - A month ago, I was at the same spot.

And if it wasn't for December,

I'd be decomposing right now, just like Mozart.

Fine.

- You understand, don't you? - Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. Wait, it's everywhere.

I'm okay. Wait. No. No.

I feel safe here. I do, I really do.

I don't know why. It's getting so we're not safe anywhere.

Look how we're polluting the air.

A guy I know last year shot a duck

and it took it three days to hit the ground.

That poor dog slipped a disc waiting for that sucker to fall.

Well, I better stop breathing.

- You might as well stop eating too. - Why, what's wrong with the food?

Well, there's always some health faddist

claiming food has stuff in it that's dangerous.

Oh, no.

No wonder they say a prayer before every meal.

Why, even this plate could be coated with toxic, lead-based paint.

Wait a minute. Everybody, hit the deck!

This plate's about to go off! Watch out!

Hey, that plate cost me 5 pesos.

Of course we're civilized men.

Besides, there's no place to hide.

The world, as we know it, is coming to an end.

And me without a chick.

- Exidor. - Mork.

Is that you?

One moment. Boys, while we chat, go loot the bathroom.

Did you say the world was coming to an end?

No, I said that.

Proof: I was just struck by this meteor from the Melmac galaxy.

Do you believe this guy?

Well, I've seen chameleons with a better grasp on reality.

Those cynics will be fossils in two hours.

The world will be over at 4:00.

Three o'clock, Central Time.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you, you big loon.

Oh, Mork, you're my dearest 3-dimensional friend.

Let's do something that will make this moment last an eternity.

Well, forget eternity. What about the next ten seconds?

Well, we could say:

I've got everything we need right here.

Mork, don't you think you're a little over-prepared

for a trip to Yellowstone?

What trip? I'm staying here.

You're staying here? Well, then, what's that stuff for?

I'm prepared for every calamity imaginable.

Look at this, I have a snakebite kit. I have shark repellent.

- Foghorn, a mosquito net. - Mork.

Highway flares. Don't stop me now, Mind, I'm on a roll.

We've got a penlight in case we fall into a black hole. Watch out.

Hello. Help me now, help me now.

And some Handi-Wipes

in case we get attacked by a flock of fried chicken.

There's no chance we're gonna fall into a black hole

and only a 50-50 chance we'll be attacked by fried chicken.

Oh, well, I prepared for the regular calamities too, Mind.

Your famine, your pestilence, your fire.

You forgot the ever-popular flood.

You thought you had me there, Princess Hokum?

No way.

I'm prepared for that too, Mind.

Watch this.

Yes, sir.

It's Morko's Noah's ark.

I have animals outside, two by two.

They are coming to audition, bringing 5-by-4s.

Hello, my name is Carl, I'm a squirrel. This is my wife, Lola.

See, I'm gonna ignore all this.

I'm gonna go to the store and buy some hiking boots.

And you are coming with me on that trip.

Why?

Well, you've overlooked one vital statistic.

The statistics say that more accidents occur in the home than anyplace else.

So think how much safer you'll be with me in Yellowstone.

I'm not safe out there. I'm not safe in here.

I'm not safe anywhere.

I want my test tube.

Mork, I got the hiking boots.

What are the lights out for?

I couldn't reach the switch, Mind.

What do you mean, you couldn't reach the switch?

What in the world is that?

It's a survival condo, Mind.

I've finally found a place where I'm safe. I'm never coming out.

This is ridiculous.

No, Mind. It's a hermetically-sealed, germ-free, antiseptic life-support unit.

It's kind of like a womb with a view.

How do you like it, Mind?

I got the plans from Better Homes and Shelters. Isn't it wonderful?

Mindy, you can go on with your life as usual.

Just don't peek in here when I'm in my undies.

Mork, where would you ever get a crazy idea like this?

It's not crazy. We used this on Ork during the famous swine-flu epidemic.

It kept pigs from bouncing on us.

Now you know why their noses are so flat.

Well, you can't stay in here forever.

Oh, por que, Mind, por que?

Listen, this is wonderful in here.

At last, I've finally found a place where I'm safe.

Nothing can harm me, gives me 24-hour protection,

doesn't even stain my clothes.

- You'll just withdraw from the world? - You've got it.

You're gonna hide in your shell,

trembling with fear at anything that could possibly hurt you?

All right, Mind. I'll tell you where you can get one of your own.

Mork, you're gonna have to come out sooner or later.

No, I don't. I've got enough provisions in here for nine or ten bleams.

Look at this here. I've got canned water.

Isn't that incredible, canned water?

Open it up, there's water inside.

Watch out, Mind. Hey, tell you what.

There's room in here for two. Come on, you'll be finally safe.

But I'm out here and I'm all right.

Anyway, everybody's exposed to those things you're so afraid of.

We'll see who's laughing a hundred years from now.

When everybody else is going, "Help me."

I'll be going, "I'm young."

Don't you see what is happening to you?

Yes, I'm protected.

- You're paranoid. - I'm invulnerable.

- You're untouchable. - I'm safe.

- You're alone. - I'm afraid.

I'm afraid too, Mork.

I'm afraid for you.

Well, we've still got each other, huh?

I guess something has finally come between us, huh?

Big kiss.

You guys still planning on going to Yellowstone tomorrow?

Yeah, tomorrow.

That's why I bought this jacket.

With my complexion,

I don't want anybody to confuse me with a snowman.

It's gotta hurt when they jam that carrot in your face.

Oh, boy, I really wish I was going with you guys.

I can't get off work and I gotta study for my anatomy class.

Oh, speaking of anatomy, Mindy says I shouldn't bring my bikini.

Now, what do you think?

Wear it, Glenda, please.

Bikinis are very big this time of year in Yellowstone.

Nelson Flavor, you're a sexist.

Thank you.

Are you really gonna go to Yellowstone with this guy?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you two guys becoming an item here or what, huh?

- Yes. - No.

No.

Jeanie, the freezer motor is busted again.

Could you please fix it?

And hurry, the clams are starting to open.

A woman's work is never done.

I was just kidding about the bikini.

I wouldn't want you to catch a cold.

A one-piece would be fine.

Hi, guys.

- Hi, Mindy. - Hi, Mindy.

Did Mork change his mind about the trip or is he still in his humidor?

Yes.

The last part.

I don't think he's ever coming out.

He just sits in there sipping his Tang.

Well, it is a little strange.

If I were you, I would look upon him as a big guppy

and just be grateful you don't have to clean that tank.

Oh, you guys, I feel like we're already spoiling the trip.

You already have.

- Nelson. - It's wrecked.

No, really, maybe you should make plans without us.

Oh, come on, we haven't given up yet.

I mean, we're bound to think of something.

I'm telling you, I've tried everything.

I've begged, I've pleaded. I've even tried using logic.

Now, logic, that will never work.

Mindy, you know, maybe you're paying too much attention to him.

Yeah. Yeah, if he wants isolation, I'll give him isolation.

We'll all give him isolation.

I've got a great idea.

Do you guys think you can come over to my house around 8:00 tonight?

We might be able to find a way to get Mork out of that glass box.

We'll just fight bizarre with bizarre.

And if that doesn't work,

we'll get Ella Fitzgerald to come over and hit a high note.

Expecting company, Mind? I'll get it.

Oh, so clean, I didn't even know it was there.

- Hi, come on in. - Here we go.

Glenda, Nelson.

If I knew you were coming, I would have squeegeed my face.

Oh, what a great idea, Mindy. A going-away party for Mork.

A party for me? I hope there's a pony ride.

Well, actually, Nelson, it's a gone-away party.

Gone, yes, but not forgotten.

Too bad Mork had to go.

He was so much fun at parties.

Wait. I'm still here and I'm still fun at parties.

Watch. Watch this, hey, watch this.

Well, let's get this party started.

Party down.

I'll mix us up a little punch.

I'll get it.

Shazbot, I did it again.

Hello, Mindy, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was gonna bring some forget-me-nots,

but I got a break on this.

The fellow it was for pulled through.

Thank you. I'm sure Mork would have appreciated it.

Oh, thanks, but I'm still here. I really am.

I'm here. Yo.

You know, it's so quiet here without him.

Yeah, well, it took some getting used to,

but life does go on.

- Yeah. - Mind.

Punch, anybody?

Mr. Bickley?

Nice idea. Thank you.

Good old Mork.

I'm sure gonna miss that little tyke.

Sure, he was strange,

but that was his charm.

I'm gonna miss his laugh.

That certain:

I'm gonna miss the way he wore his suspenders.

- The way he wore his hat. - What hat?

The way he sang off-key.

That's it, that's it.

The memory of all that, no, no, they can't take that away from me.

Cheers.

Wait. If Rod Sterling walks in this door, I'm gonna hatch a brick, I know I am.

You know, I didn't know him as long as the rest of you did,

but I have one real regret.

I just wish he wouldn't have gone away

before I found out what shazbot meant.

If you talk to me, I'll tell you what shazbot means.

I'll even tell you what klarns are.

Mr. Bickley, didn't you have something you wanted to say?

Funny you should mention it.

I just happen to have a little gem here

from Mork's favorite greeting-card writer.

- Oh, Bick. - Me.

An Ode to Mork.

To my friend, I say, bon voyage

I can offer but this verbal corsage

I loved his eyes, I loved his nose but now I hope I get his clothes

Oh, that was so wonderful.

I'm beginning to miss myself. You know...

Wait a minute. I'm still here.

Come on, Mind, joke's over.

- Come on. - There's something I'd like to say.

The Mork we all knew and loved is no longer with us.

He was so full of life.

I remember one time

when I asked him to change a hundred-watt bulb.

He ran to the corner and brought back two 25s and a 50.

He used to spend hours trying to teach a tub of margarine how to say "butter."

He was the only guy I knew

who would really give you a penny for your thoughts.

Oh, he was so special.

Oh, Mind.

Wait a minute.

Mind, I'm still alive. I'm alive, I'm right here.

Are you, Mork?

People who are alive don't shut themselves off from the world.

You're not protecting yourself from harm,

you're closing yourself off

from everything that makes life worth living.

I'm gonna miss you, Mork.

Goodbye.

Mind?

Oh, I already miss you.

I don't wanna give up on life.

Yeah, I wanna live again.

What are we waiting for? I wanna go on that trip to Yellowstone.

Yes, yes.

Don't forget to bring your racket. We'll have something to do.

Now, that's the Mork I know and vaguely understand.

My boy.

Oh, Bick, I'm sorry about the clothes.

Oh, that's okay. They weren't for me.

I was gonna cut them down for my dog.

Bye-bye.

Goodbye, Mindy.

Good to have you back.

You two keep it quiet up here.

See?

Oh, nice.

That feels better than any security in the whole world.

I just want you to remember one thing, Mork.

No matter how weird life gets, you just gotta keep on living.

- I mean, look at your alternative. - Yeah.

This place is a nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't wanna live here without you.

Oh, Mind, no kissing.

Say no-no to Mr. Mono.

Oh, you're right, Mind, what the heck? Come on, now.

Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Mork calling Orson, come in, oh, Butterball in the Sky.

Mork, what are you two doing?

Oh, we're celebrating life, sir.

You might say we're tripping the life fantastic.

I didn't think life on Earth was all that pleasant, Mork.

Well, sir, it's got its share of dangers,

but many of them are blown out of proportion, not unlike you.

- Just get to the point. - Yes, sir.

The point is that Earthlings can prove any point they want using statistics.

You see, many newspapers talk about how many people have died,

but they never say how many people have lived.

I can even prove that you are not fat using the right statistics.

I am not fat.

Oh, come on, sir. You're so large you have your own climate.

- I'll ignore that, Mork. - Yes, sir.

Now, are you telling me that people should be totally oblivious

to the dangers surrounding them?

No, but if that's all they're looking for, that's all they're gonna see.

Unfortunately, most Earthlings spend their whole life,

well, worrying about, well, their whole life.

I'll never forget the lesson I learned this week from my Earthling friends.

They taught me that the greatest gift is the gift of life

and the greatest sin is to return it unopened.

Until next week, sir. I've got a lot of unwrapping to do.