Original subtitles

Good morning, everybody.

I tell you, I've been working on your Jeep for over an hour

and I can't find out what's wrong with it.

My battery's dead.

When I woke up this morning, my battery was dead.

I can't understand what happened.

Well, could leaving the car lights on all night have any effect on that?

Why, yes, it could. Why would you ask?

- No reason, no reason at all. - Mork.

Oh, all right, Mindy. There's a big reason, but a very good one, though.

There's always good reason.

- Oh, you understand, Pops, don't you? - Yes, I do.

Well, basically,

there's this cute little old wino outside and he was sleeping in the gutter,

and I left the lights on so no one would park on him.

You're so courteous.

Mork, as soon as I finish my coffee, I'll drop you off at the day care center.

Oh, thanks, Pops. You know…

Oh, Mind, Mind, opening-night jitters, I've got the flop sweat already.

I don't even have a costume yet.

Mork had this idea about the kids dressing up as their favorite hero.

Yeah, kids today could use some heroes.

Yeah.

When I was a boy, I used to like the Western heroes.

Roy Rogers and Gene Autry and Tex Ritter.

In those days, you could always tell who the good guys were

because they all wore big white hats and played guitars.

I always used to wonder why they never rode into town playing a violin.

That's probably because all the Indians had the bows.

Imagine Custer's last concerto:

I guess my favorite hero was the Lone Ranger.

Oh, the Lone Ranger's a real good one, Mork.

I think you'd like him because he always settled fights peacefully.

Oh, Mind. Whoa, parallel universe.

We have someone like that just on Ork.

On Ork, you have somebody like the Lone Ranger?

Yes. Well, he's more like the Lone Chicken.

See, whenever there'd be trouble, he would always hide.

His favorite motto was, "When the going gets tough,

the tough go shopping."

- Sounds like the Gabor sisters to me. - Yeah.

That's it. I can go as Squellman the Yellow.

What a strange planet.

Making a hero out of someone who does nothing but hide.

- What does he look like? - No one ever saw his face.

All we ever saw was this yellow-feathered tush

hightailing it into the sunset.

Happy tails to you

Until we meet again

And will leap tall buildings with a single boo.

It's a turkey.

No, it's Squellman the Yellow.

The proud coward with the golden tail.

Now, you see, that's a hero where I came from.

By creative hiding, that's how he survived.

Well, know who's up next?

Who's up? You're up, Jonathan.

I'll give you a hint.

Sugar Ray Leonard.

One more hint and I might get it.

Speaking of sugar, when do we eat?

Now, Stephanie, you just had lunch,

and very few people can eat a whole turkey and live.

Now, who's your hero, Stephanie?

Sara Lee.

I might have guessed.

- Stick a brownie in your ear. - Stephanie, if you keep this up,

one day you're gonna go on an elevator and it's gonna say, "Capacity: You."

Who's your hero, Lola?

Truman Capote.

For his accurate, yet lyrical portrayal of the human condition.

Lola, one day you're gonna have a talk show all of your own.

Billy, who's your hero?

My dad picked my hero for me.

- Well, who is it? - Him.

He wants me to be a doctor like he is.

Oh, that's not a bad hero.

I mean, they save lives, they play great golf

and they never bother you at home.

Big deal.

My dad won't let me be who I really wanna be.

- Well, who's that? - A guy with my name.

Billy the Kid. He was a tough hombre.

His dad never told him what to do.

Oh, Billy the Kid.

Isn't that the president's brother? The one that helped Reagan get elected?

No? Sorry.

No, Mork, he was a famous cowboy.

People say he used to live in that old ghost town near here.

That's it, a ghost town, the ultimate retirement village.

Imagine the maid changing the sheets up there…you know?

Jonathan meant Windy Gulch, the old town outside of Boulder.

I bet Billy had fun out there.

Got to camp out, never ate broccoli.

Billy, come as Billy the Kid if you want.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Thanks, Mork. - Oh, shucks and wazoo, little Yoda.

Well, that's it for today. Time for our field trip.

We're gonna go to that chemical plant by the river

and watch the dead fish race.

Oh, no.

Thanks for the ride, Exidor.

Lucky for you the Shriners canceled.

Mork, I'm going out of town

and I'd like you to take all my phone calls.

- All right. - Here.

Where's the receiver?

I don't know, I just don't want anybody calling me long-distance.

Listen, I'm sure you two boys have a lot to chitchat about,

so I'll just leave you two alone.

Mind, Mind, come on now, Exidor's our friend.

Exidor is your friend, Mork.

You know, quite a few people think he's a little strange.

I've heard those ugly rumors and they're grossly exaggerated.

Do you have any chinchilla dip?

I rest my case.

Mork.

I'm going away on a very secret trip,

so secret in fact that I've blindfolded my burro.

Some call it kinky, I call it security.

Hush-toned, why is it so secret?

Mork, there's a fortune buried out there.

I inherited this map from my late grandfather.

He's deceased, you know.

There's nothing on this map, Exidor.

A necessary precaution.

Besides, I've got it all right there, Mork.

Oh, you memorized it, huh?

No, I had it tattooed on the inside of my eyelid.

Steinmetz, Pepe, Guido, load up the burro and pile on.

I'm an equal-opportunity employer.

All those people on one burro, that's incredible.

Those amazing animals.

If you should get a post card saying, "Wish you were blank,"

you know who it's from.

I'll be back in about a month.

Frankie, Annette, surf's up.

Mind, you can come out now, Exidor's gone.

Exidor was gone when he got here.

Well, I hope your day's been going better than mine.

Oh, me too, Mind.

My idea about the heroes with the kids was a great success except for Billy.

Oh, why?

His father wanted him to be a doctor.

Why? That's a good hero.

Well, he didn't like it, so I found him a new one, Billy the Kid.

That's not so good, Mork.

Billy the Kid was a murderer. He killed 21 people.

You don't know that for sure.

I mean, you know how people gossip at funerals.

Mind, I mean, he must have done something to become famous.

Well, sometimes people become famous for the wrong reasons.

Kids always imitate their idols,

so it's better for everybody if you pick somebody good.

Oh, that's right.

Boy, was I wrong, Mind.

Why do Morks rush in where wise men fear to tread?

Boy, that goose must weigh a ton.

Oh, good, it's the tow truck.

I'd better get out there before my auto-club card expires.

Oh, hi, Billy.

- Hey there, little buckaroo. - Howdy, Mork.

Yo, hey, just knock your feet together twice.

We'll do a little Chap Stick.

Good to see you there, urban cowkid.

Let's you and me go down to the old ghost town and have a shootout.

Oh, can't go, Billy, I've gotta stay and help Mindy bury her dead battery.

See, besides that, Billy, I think that...

I didn't realize that Billy the Kid was into retroactive family planning.

Come on, he was a hero.

You're just saying that because you're a fraidy cat like Squellman the Yellow.

Well, thanks for the compliments, but I still can't go.

Come on, it's just a game.

Oh, game or no game, Billy, you see, it simulates violence.

Hey, if you really wanna understand Squellman the Yellow,

let's play his favorite game, cher chez moi,

which is hide-and-seek.

Okay, but I'm warning you, Billy the Kid's smarter.

I'll be it, you go hide.

Oh, okay.

One, two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten, 11 …

Adios, turkey.

Ollie ollie oxen free.

Come on, now.

You'll never find me, I studied with Claude Rains.

Well, the Jeep's fixed.

You're not even close, you're not even tepid.

I'll give you a hint.

Liberace.

What's going on?

Mind, Mind, quiet. I'm playing hide-and-seek with Billy,

and I'm really skunking him, he hasn't got a chance.

No, you're not, I just saw him take off down the street on his bike.

He said you'd know where to find him.

Oh, no, Mind, oh, no. He's gone down to Windy Gulch.

You mean that old ghost town near here, why?

- I guess he wants to have a shootout. - Oh, great. Well, we better go get him.

Oh, Mind, Mind, it's all right.

It's my responsibility, I'd better go get my trusty 45.

Wait a minute, I thought Squellman was a pacifist.

Well, he is, Mind. That's his manual, 45 Ways to Hide.

Come on, now.

You look in the saloon and I'll check the livery stable next door.

Billy.

Billy.

Billy, come out now. This is Father Mork talking to you, son.

Billy, you shouldn't be here, you should be home watching TV

with the other little kids, eating cereal and getting hypoglycemic now.

Don't move, varmint, I got the drop on you.

Billy, now, come on...

I told you not to move.

I got a balloon in here with your name on it.

You don't wanna continue this and scare Ork chips out of Mork, do you?

Yeah.

Just checking. No, Billy, no, please.

Mind, please be careful, he might have a balloon with your name on it too.

What? I don't know what's going on here.

But you're coming home with us, young man, right now.

Sure, push me around just because you're older than me.

You're just like my dad.

Mind, if we make him go home right now,

he'll think that violence is the right way.

But he's just a little kid. We can't leave him till he grows up.

Yeah, I realize that. This is dueling philosophies right here.

It's violence against nonviolence. It's like Ghandi vs. Dick the Bruiser.

You understand? Like, "I don't want to hurt the little kitty."

"Give it to me. I'll eat the thing on hoof."

That's what I'm trying to say to you, Mind.

All right, do it your way.

Time for a showdown.

We each get a balloon.

If I hit you, Billy's best.

If you hit me, Squellman's best.

You're on.

Except Squellman doesn't use weapons.

Mork, I don't think...

Okay, sucker.

Mind, Mind, Mind. No, Mind, Mind.

Mind, I hope now that you appreciate the subtlety of my philosophy.

Look at the good side, Mind, you could always win a wet sweater contest.

Gotcha, Mork. I win.

Not so fast, Billy.

Mind over splatter. Viva la Squellman.

Oh, yeah? It's not over yet, Mork.

Mork, I don't think this is gonna work.

- We gotta do something to help him. - Yeah.

Somehow we've gotta prove to him that being an outlaw

is only exciting in the movies.

That Butch and Sundance weren't heroes,

they were only handsome.

Wait a minute, Mind. Bingo.

That's an old religious saying on Ork.

I think I have a way of ending this confrontation, Mind.

I think there's a solution to the possible violence

that's escalating before our eyes.

We have to find young Billy, the young person who was just in here,

who attempted to assassinate me with aqua pura.

And if we find him, we must convince him

why Billy the Kid never became Billy the Adult.

And when we do that, we'll have a solution that is…

Rosemary, did you get all that?

Good. Erase it.

Okay, Mork, I'm gonna go down to the gas station to call his parents.

You wait here to see if Billy shows up.

Come on out, you lily-livered coward.

I heard you're looking for me, kid. Where are you?

I just rode into town a little while ago.

My horse is tied up outside.

I wouldn't hold that balloon if I were you.

You see these notches on these suspenders here?

There's 21 of them, you know what happens when I get 22?

- What? - My pants fall down.

That's why I have to wear this serape here.

What's going on? What happened to Squellman?

Squellman?

Somewhere, someone's got a fistful of feathers.

Why don't you come on down, son? Buy you a little drink.

Right now, I'm so thirsty I could belch dust.

Barkeep, sarsaparilla for my friend, and I'll sip danger.

Come on, Mork.

Neat. How'd you do that?

There's some questions you can't answer, Billy,

like how does Venus de Milo hitchhike?

Mind if I tinkle, Bill?

Wow, this is fun.

Yeah, ain't it?

It wasn't always that much fun, Billy.

Especially when there were guns involved.

You know, sometimes there might be a real intense game going on here

with people sitting in those chairs.

Let your imagination wander.

See what happens.

What I think here is we have a failure to deal an honest hand.

Hey, you're accusing me of cheating?

I'm telling you're accusing me of cheating, no.

I'm just saying you got a face so ugly a coyote should beat it out with a stick.

I'm telling you. You're telling me that? Don't you talk to me like that.

Yep. Yup, that's what I said.

Happy trails to you

Oh, stuff it, Roy, and I don't mean Trigger.

Don't you understand?

There's a lot of stuff going down here.

You'll never go on here.

- What's he saying? - I don't know.

All right, the rest of you. Come on, quit hiding from it.

They're not doing diddly. Let's get down to the action.

That did it, you all done it now. You've had it now.

Watch out, Billy.

Well, Billy, that seem like fun to you?

No, it's pretty scary.

Oh, that's just what Uncle Mork wanted to hear.

I guess we can head on home now and talk about this one later.

- Remember this for when we're older. - Nope.

Oh, no.

Mayday. Amrak.

All systems alert. Damien, Part Four.

- It's all over, Mork. - No, no, Billy. No, wait.

I won.

- Billy the Kid did it again. - What...?

What happened?

Mork.

What happened?

Hey, get up, Mork. The game's over.

Look, violence isn't a game, Billy.

But it was just pretend.

Mork, are you all right? Mork.

Mind, is Billy nearby? I can't see too clearly.

Oh, no. I think he needs a doctor.

Gee, I wish my dad were here, he's a doctor.

There's a cold trough outside. I'll go get a cold washcloth.

Okay.

Oh, no.

Mork.

Mind, can you stop doing that? You're curling my eyebrows.

Wait a minute. You mean, you're all right?

Mind, as I fell through the air, I had this incredible idea.

I thought I might just wing it, you know?

I mean, Squellman had this incredible flair for the dramatic.

I'm glad you're all right, but I think I'd like to wring your neck.

This wasn't part of our plan.

Mindy, think Ghandi, nonviolence, nonviolence.

We are not here, not be here now, if not, get there later.

And to Mindy, I leave all of my Tupperware.

Mork, don't die.

I'm sorry.

I went too far.

Oh, it's all right, Billy.

It was just a game.

Kind of heavy stakes, but just a game.

I'm sorry.

Get better.

I saw my dad do this, I hope it works.

Well, I have a feeling it will.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm healed.

Praise the power. I had a vision.

I saw the Cadillac was coming to carry me home.

You did it, Billy. Praise you.

I think you saved his life.

I did, didn't I?

- I made Mork better. - Yup.

Well, you think you wanna be Billy the Kid anymore?

No way. I've got a new hero now.

Who's that, Bill?

You, Mork.

I'd better get home now, my mom and dad will be worried.

Is it all right if I throw my bike in your Jeep?

- Sure. - Better than the other way around.

Well…

Well, another day, another nervous breakdown.

Hey, somebody left the Jeep lights on.

Mind, Mind…

I know what you're thinking,

but it was advanced planning, really, it was.

I know we need those lights at night

when we have to look for the car keys that I lost.

- Oh, Mork. - I know, I know.

Patience, Mind, patience.

It's not only a virtue, in this case, it's a necessity.

I'll wait for you outside.

All right. All right.

Thanks, fellas.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come on in there, partner.

Yo, bronco belly, where are you?

- Mork, get a grip on yourself. - Yes, sir.

It's just me and my sidekick Beebs here,

H'Orson around, sir.

Get it, H'Orson around?

One more, Mr. Beebs.

That's funny, he didn't get it this time.

What's your report about this week, Mork?

Well, heroes, sir. And I'm not talking sandwiches.

Are there many heroes on Earth?

Oh, yes, sir, there are.

But it seems like only the ones with pizzazz seem to get the spotlight.

How many times have you seen Albert Schweitzer on a bubblegum card?

Think about that one, sir.

Maybe he can't throw a good curve ball, but isn't that being a little picky?

It sounds like Earthlings equate heroism with glamorous deeds.

I think so, sir, it's probably good for their T-shirt industry.

You always hear about the man who jumps over 13 buses,

but you never hear about the John Doe that put him back together again.

- Who's John Doe? - Exactly, sir.

That's why I think most real heroes seldom get a headline of their own.

Imagine this, sir.

Today millions of Earthlings helped one another.

No film at 11.

And that's all she wrote, Orson.

We'll get back to you next week

if we get that grant from the Chrysler Foundation.

Na-no, na-no.

It's cute, you'll like it. Don't worry, it's got a nice feel.