Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Good evening, I'm Mork Wallace.

And I'm Morkey Safer. And I'm Mork Reasoner.

Does my hair look good from the back?

Welcome to the expanded Mork Report.

This year's observer thesis deals with the ever-burning question of our time:

"So, like, how's it going in Mork and Mindy's marriage? Okay?"

This better be good, Mork. Your promotion is riding on it.

Oh, yes, your Ton-of-Fun-ness.

Let's just run it up the flagpole and see if it sits.

Each year, sir, millions of couples enter into the state of matrimony.

But getting married isn't the trick, sir. Staying married is.

Why can't you do a thesis on something I'm interested in?

Like "Why do hot dogs come six to a pack and the buns come in eights?"

This is a little different format. Just try and stay with me.

In my experience, sir,

there are four main ingredients to a successful marriage.

It's a matter of blending them in the proper amounts.

Take honesty for example. It's always the best policy

except when you have a psychiatrist with a big mouth.

Mind. Hon.

Puppy kiss didn't work.

Mi...?

Mind?

Little Pooter?

You know this is my one morning to sleep!

Mind, Mind, Mind!

Oh...

Is that for me?

Thanks, sweetheart, that's nice.

Mwah. Oh...

Gonna thank me when you put it on. Go in the bathroom and put it on.

- The bathroom? - Go in the bathroom. Put it on.

I left the price tag on so you know how much I really love you.

I saw that and I said, "That's my little pooter."

Especially if it's half-price.

I wasn't sure what your size was,

so I had to find someone who was built like you.

Boy, was I lucky though.

There was a truck with a flat tire. This guy was there.

He looked kind of like you, Mind.

Only he had straight hair and maybe his feet were smaller.

Oh...

What can you say?

Oh, Mr. Blackwell, eat your heart out.

It's a combination of Li'l Abner and everything I've ever seen.

Oh, honey, it's the history of vinyl.

Mork, it's really unique.

Unique? It's a piece of art, Mind.

Look at this. I mean, Roy Rogers gone berserk.

I got it at a boutique called Razorlips.

They even had fibreglass underwear there.

Oh, Mind. Mind, Mind, you can do a million things with it.

- Really? I can only think of one. - Mm-hm.

I am so excited and you look so good in this.

I have to take you out tonight. We are going dancing.

Oh, uh...

No, uh, I can't. I don't have the right shoes to go with this.

Guess again.

Oh, Mind, I bought them from a man named Bubba.

- Look at that. Going up? - Oh...

- Well, they go. They go. - Heh-heh.

Oh, Mork, I just can't accept all this.

Why not? You paid for it.

Hey, Daddy, did you give Mommy that present?

Did you...?

Whoa-oh.

I've never seen anything like that.

If I can just get a...

Say, "Cheese." MINDY: Oh...

- Cheese. - I know it sounds corny, but... Heh.

Listen, you get the one lady a little...

How about a sultry one, you know, kind of like this?

The kind of "in" stuff, okay? Neat. All right.

If I put the rope in front of the picture, it'll look like you're hanging.

Here we go.

Hey, that's just like shooting a stick of wood.

Oh, come on, Mind, try and look festive.

If they look good, we can use them for our Christmas cards.

- Give Mommy the film. - No, no.

- Give Mommy the camera. - You can't have it.

I've got at least seven left and five of kitty

flying from the main house to the garage.

Oh, Mind, put on those shoes.

We're gonna go out and get a paper and, oh, honey, I'm so excited.

I can imagine going out and going, "Honey, can you see the clouds?"

- Oh, Mork, sit down. - All right, Mind.

I don't know quite how to put this.

Um...

It's not as though I don't appreciate the thought.

But this just isn't my taste.

Well, I know, Mind, but I'm tired of your taste.

Mork, this all was a very sweet gesture,

but I think we should take this stuff back.

Mind, I don't believe you.

Oh, Mind, are you telling me that you would rather wear this schmatta?

And you won't accept my present?

Oh, sweetheart, I know what I'm saying is hard to accept,

but we love each other too much to live under false pretenses.

And I feel a lot better just telling you the truth.

- Oh, I'm glad you feel better. - Oh, what? You'd prefer that I lie?

Absolutely.

Well, is that how you want our marriage to be?

I mean, never knowing what the other person's really thinking?

Oh, but couldn't you just wait a couple of months

and then said you ruined it in the greased pig contest?

First of all, I probably wouldn't have thought of that.

Secondly, you're the only person I can really be totally honest with.

Well, I understand now, Mind,

and since you're being totally honest, sit down, please.

I have to tell you something. You have the dress on backwards.

Sir, honesty is only one small link in the emotional chain

which forges our relationship and allows these two life forms

- from two different environments... - Let's go, Mork.

I'm on the water diet. I can't stay in one place too long.

Of course. We'll skip over if there's noise in the middle of the night,

who goes and looks, and go straight to the next topic, respect.

Well, I thought Aunt Eunice was very coherent

for someone telling anecdotes under sedation.

I still don't understand why a 73-year-old woman

would want a nose job.

Well, Fred, I don't know.

Maybe she got tired of having Cub Scouts asking her

if they could hold meetings in it.

Okay, come on, honey. We have dinner reservations.

Okay, but this time you handle Mearth if they run out of cheesecake.

Mork, Mearth, come on. We're ready to leave for dinner.

Okay, let's go. I gotta get gas.

Mork, what was wrong with the jacket I laid out for you?

This is our sacred, most sacred Foliage Festival.

Oh, yes, the most sacred holiday in all of Ork.

Are we going or not? These coupons expire at 8.

Why don't you two go and have a good time?

I'll stay here and mulch the boys.

Okay, we'll see you later, honey.

Have fun.

Oh, dear. Oh, what a thrill.

Eating alone with Fred.

Well, maybe I can pick up a newspaper on the way.

Well, at least if she's reading,

she won't be slipping her telephone number to the wine steward.

Mind, how could you ridicule my religion in front of your family?

I have never ever been so humiliated.

I'm sorry. It's just that looking at you two gives me

this incredible urge for spinach salad.

I hope you're kidding about that, Mommy.

Our heritage is no joke.

Our roots are one thing. Our leaves are another.

That's right, Mind. I honor your religious holidays.

I even fasted on Yom Kippur till I found out that you weren't Jewish.

I'm sorry, you're right. I should have more respect.

That's why you're joining in our ceremony.

- No, no, no. You two don't need me. - No?

I mean, I can't even get an avocado pit to sprout.

Join with us now. Join with us. Ready, son?

Yeah. This is a sacred dance.

You put your right foot in You put your right foot out

You put your right foot in And you shake it all about

Wait a minute. This is the hokey-pokey.

Hold it, hold it.

Some of the greatest hokey-pokeys

have been written by the greatest masters of Ork.

Oh...

We have to go on without your mother, son.

She's a non-believer.

We will carry on the Fern Fest without her.

- Okay. - I'll read now

from the Sacred Book of Fern.

The non-believers will believe. I will now believe and yet you know.

Those who have seen the foliage will believe.

Let us leaf to Book Four of Fern One.

But then this same brutal sun beat down upon the land

and made the little tiny plants wither and die.

Oh, no, like a Tennessee Williams play.

It's so hot. I never knew, I never knew!

But one tiny plant did survive, and we know it fought off the bugs

that tried and the heat and the terrible, terrible calamities around.

- Is it not true, son? - Well, I hope to tell you it is.

Mind. Are you snickering at us?

No. No, my lip has had a little jump.

A little jump.

- You're mocking us, aren't you, Mind? - I'm not.

I'm not, I just... I... I was appreciating your ceremony.

- I should hope so. - I am.

A bush is a terrible thing to waste.

But then a miracle did appear,

and from the heavens poured forth great torrents of rain.

Or maybe Tustins of rain. Who knew?

Mind, could you help us with this, please?

Would you spray...? Just add this. It won't hurt you to do that.

- Okay. - You become the rain.

- Ready, son? - Yes.

Hit me about here.

Behold!

Oh, yes!

And the blossoms were born again upon Ork,

and once again lush foliage thrived all over the planet

and Orkan brides no longer had to throw rocks as bouquets.

Oh, son, don't do that. You'll deflower yourself.

- Amen. - Amen.

Come on, Mind. Come in.

Is it all over?

No, now we have the reception. We have to step on the paper cup.

Great. I'm gonna go run and fix my hair and get my beaded bag.

Wasn't that something? You know, Mommy was really moved to tears.

You know, son, I think this has given your mother

a new appreciation of our culture.

- Mork. - Sir?

Need I remind you your promotion is riding on this report?

Oh, I'd rather you didn't, sir.

Sir, the next ingredient is often the primary motivation

- for marriage in the first place. - Her family has money?

No, sir, I'm talking about romance.

In too many marriages, sir, the flame of romance flickers and dies.

But ours burns hotter than an aluminum bench in Cairo.

Cut. Mork, you're lying.

Sir, what gives you the absurd idea

that I'd have to exaggerate about my love life?

- You always lie in black and white. - Well, sir, come on now.

There are certain things that should remain private.

Unless, of course, you're Mr. and Mrs. Erik Estrada.

Well, this has been very educational, Mork.

I'll get back to you on your promotion.

Oh, but, sir, you can't walk out now before the grand finale: compatibility.

According to Webster's, a noun, state of existing together in harmony.

See Mindy, Mork and...

You watch too much TV.

Why don't you read a magazine instead?

Yeah, you're right, Mind. I should catch up on my current events.

Do we have the new TV Guide?

No, let's see. We've got New Woman, Working Woman,

Woman's Work, Woman's Life, Life with Woman and Lady Beautiful.

Do you have anything without Brooke Shields on the cover?

- Mmm, yeah. Ta-da. - Oh, thank you.

Look at this, Mind. "Aphrodisiacs on a Budget."

Let's see.

Oh, Mind, here's one of those compatibility tests. You wanna take it?

- Okay. But no cheating. - All right.

Oh, all right. I promise, I promise.

Okay, let's see here.

First question.

"Is your spouse as affectionate as when you were first married?"

Mind?

- Eh. - Oh!

Second question.

"When you're having an argument, who gives in first?

You or your spouse?" That's easy. Me.

Wait a minute. You know the first one to give in is always me.

You always have the final word. Remember last time?

You fell asleep.

You just finished my sentence. I rest my case.

Let's not argue about our arguments.

Just put me down as the one who gives in.

- No, it's me. - It is not. It's me.

- Me. - You know it's me.

- All right, I give in. It's you. - Oh, no, you don't.

You're just trying to make me look bad.

No, I'm just letting you win like I always do.

I can't believe you're being so childish about this.

I mean, you think the magazine can hear you give in?

Oh, okay. Okay, I'll put you, cheater.

Look, let's just forget this test and go to sleep.

Oh, okay, fine, fine, fine. Fine with me.

Me.

I heard that.

Oh, this is really stupid.

Now, I've got a busy day tomorrow. I've gotta get some sleep. Tsk.

All right!

That's it. You know, I really hate it when you act like this.

- Yeah. - Oh, really? You know what I hate?

I hate it when you gargle and you don't make any noise. It's like:

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, nothing annoys me more

than when you go through a salad bar without using a plate.

Oh, really? Well, you know what annoys me?

When you get out of bed and you put on those silly slippers.

What, are you going out for milk and cookies with Martha Graham like:

It just so happens I'm afraid to go barefoot in this house

since you opened your home for battered lizards.

They're the only ones that'll eat your dip.

- My dip? - Besides, I cleaned up after them.

Nothing could be clean enough. You are neurotically neat.

You are. You wash the soap before you wash your hands.

- Oh, that's ridiculous. - Oh, really? Ridiculous?

Okay, a little test right now.

Bing.

This is supposed to bother me, right?

We'll see.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Say the magic word, the hat might disappear.

Mind, Mind, Mind.

No, no, you didn't.

You did.

Mind, you flushed my cap.

Right now some alligator's probably wearing it.

No, I didn't flush it, but believe me, I wanted to though.

Oh, Mind, that's what I love about you.

No matter how mad you get, you'd never do anything to hurt me.

Well, I flushed your Batman toothbrush instead.

Well, that's all right. His little bat wings were worn off anyway.

Aren't we silly?

I wouldn't trade these last four years for the world.

- I love you, Pooter. - I love you too.

Well...

Who could possibly be as happy as we are?

Or as good at making up?

Me.

And so you see, sir, these are the elements

which helped make our marriage successful.

And the fact that Mindy doesn't have a mother-in-law who says:

"Can't Mork live at home and you two just date?"

Why bother, Mork? It all seems like such a hassle.

Oh, sometimes it is, sir.

The work is hard, the hours are long.

But every time I look at Mindy I see warmth, I see love.

I see someone who makes me feel like I matter in this vast, lonely universe.

That was very touching.

- Thank you, Mork. - Oh, sir.

The grades will be posted on the bulletin board.

Oh, no, sir. I can't wait. I have to know.

Did I cut the mustard or do I get the promotion?

- Ten-hut! - Here, up, ooh, up.

Mork from Ork, by the power vested in me through the Grand Council

and the Jaycees, I hereby grant you your stripes.

Sir.

Sir, a master sergeant?

You could knock me over with an anorexic. Thank you.

You've earned it, Mork. Huzzah and na-no.

Oh, na-no, sir. Come on, fella. Come on, fella.

Oh, I can't wait to take you home and sew you on my uniform. Come on.

Yeah, boy.