Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no!

Okay, attention, everybody.

I would like to propose a toast

to Mr. Bickley on his birthday.

Well, thank you.

Happy bickday, Birth!

Yeah, um... Well...

my colleagues and moi have created

the world's first Mork-o-gram,

utilizing the letters of your name.

Ready?

♪ "B" is for The buddy that ♪

♪ You've always been To me ♪

"I" is for the illusions you've shattered,

like when you told me the Easter bunny has rabies.

"C" is for cake. When do we eat?

Why isn't this working out like I planned?

All right, Morkettes. Plan B.

♪ Da-da, da-da Da da ♪

Happy 50th, Bickley!

That's terrific.

Would the Morkettes like a piece of cake?

No, thanks, Mindy.

The moment was enough for me.

Well, come along, little munchkins.

I'll bring some cake to you

at the day-care center, tomorrow.

You'd better, buster,

or I just may forget I'm a lady.

That was really sweet of those little girls.

Thanks, Mork.

I didn't have the heart to tell them I was only 49.

Forty-nine? Wait a minute.

We called your son Tom, and he said you were 50.

Oh, he confuses me with Paul Newman.

Hey, look, I'll show you my driver's license.

That will prove conclusively

that I'm really only... There, you s...

Oh, my God. I am 50.

Well, welcome to the half-century club.

So we're 50. So what.

At 50, our lives are just beginning.

No, but... Yes. If you were a tortoise,

you'd be just a baby.

Mm-hm. If you were an elephant,

you'd be a teenager.

And if you were a dog, you'd be dead.

I-I feel like

I've lost a whole year.

I mean, I'm 50.

All those things I've never done.

What kind of things?

You know, stuff you put off.

Like, well, I've never read the entire Bible.

I've never seen the Grand Canyon

or Niagara Falls.

You know what really gets me?

I never told my son the facts of life.

How old is he?

Twenty-seven.

He's probably still up.

Give him a call.

I'll bet he's with some girl,

wondering what to do.

Nobody ever had to tell me the facts of life.

Guys know. Right, Mork?

Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Yeah, thanks.

Let's face it, I'm an old man.

So many things I should have done

and didn't do.

Opportunity raced by

and left me sniffing its exhaust.

Oh, come on, Mr. Bickley.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, regrets have nothing to do with age.

We all have them.

You know, things we didn't do,

things we should have done.

Oh, regrets. I've had a few.

But I've... I've handled them my way.

Oh, what could you possibly have to regret,

you little pixie pants?

Well... Ooh, bless you.

Well, the fact that... Well, that my foot

doesn't have a thumb.

That my ears don't spin in the wind.

That I never found out who Rula Lenska was.

Hey, you know what might be really interesting tonight?

If we all shared our regrets with everybody else.

It'll help Mr. Bickley,

and we'll all get to know each other a lot better.

Oh, please say yes.

I'm for anything that will help poor old Mr. Bickley.

Mindy, uh, it's your apartment. Why don't you go first?

It's always her apartment. I live here, too.

I only regret that I don't have her clout.

Mindy, what is it that you regret most in your life?

Uh...

Oh, I'd really rather not go first.

Y-You know, kind of shy and all.

Yeah, would anyone like some coffee?

Ooh, curiosity at her strange evasion.

Well, then,

I'll go first.

Why did I say that?

This is going to be embarrassing.

Oh, go for it, Jeanie.

Well...

what I most regret in life...

has to do with a man named Tony.

I remember him.

He was a big guy. Almost 5'8".

He really knew how to talk to me.

I was kind of quiet and shy, and...

And I really didn't think very much of myself at the time.

But what I saw in Tony's eyes was so much nicer

than anything I'd ever seen in my own mirror.

Can you imagine...

having somebody make you feel that special?

How long did you and this Tony go together?

Two months...

before I found out he was married.

Married. You mean he was cheatin' on ya?

Now, wait a second.

That guy, Tony, you dated him over a year.

That's my regret.

I can't believe this.

My little sister playing Dallas, in the Bronx.

Mindy, would you like to go next?

Oh... uh, I'd rather not.

You know, Nelson's dying to go next.

He is? Yeah.

I bet the only thing that he regrets

is his little pink eyes can't stand this much light.

Actually, my biggest regret is that Glenda stiff-armed me

at the drive-in last night.

Ooh. I told you,

that's not where the popcorn dropped.

Ooh.

Come on now, Nelson.

There must be something in that albino soul of yours

that you wanna let out of there. Come on.

Let it out. Let it fly. Open up, open up, open up.

Yeah, make us cry.

Well... there is something.

It's been haunting me for years.

I was 15...

That's a good one. Who's next?

And... every morning, I'd take the bus to school.

The number 26 bus.

One morning, she gets on.

She had the prettiest blond hair I'd ever seen...

besides my own.

She took my breath away.

I watched her as she sat down.

About the same distance as Mork is sitting now.

Oh, really? Kind of like this?

Couldn't take my eyes off her.

I kept staring at her, thinking,

"I've gotta meet this person."

But before I could think of how to approach her,

the bus stopped, and she got up to leave.

Ding.

She passed in front of me on the way to the exit.

Mork:: Excuse me.

She smiled politely and...

got off the bus.

My heart was pounding.

I wanted to meet her and get to know her so bad.

All I had to do was follow her off the bus

and say, "Hello."

But I just sat there.

The bus pulled away.

I watched her through the window.

I saw her grow smaller and smaller

in the distance.

There went my dream.

All right. Well, now, who's gonna go next?

Mindy?

Oh, I'd really like to,

but I have to get the ice cream for the cake.

I'll go warm up the ketchup.

Min, Min, Min, I sense a certain aversion

to airing your regret.

I mean, am I right? Am I wrong?

Why do I ask another question?

There, I did it again. But...

Oh, Mork, it's just that it's just...

It's very personal.

I'd really rather tell you when we're alone.

Ooh. Our sense of intimacy grows.

Well, ever since I was a little girl,

I wanted to be a dancer.

I always heard music in my head, and...

And my body just seemed to want to move to it.

I started with ballet when... When I was about five,

and I... I just loved it so much.

And one day, my father said to me,

"Where's the newspaper?"

And I said, "Over there."

Then I fell on my tutu.

Well, after the ballet,

there was tap and jazz and modern.

And I just felt so free.

And then Randolph came into my life.

And you know, he loved to dance

just as much as I did.

I don't think our feet touched the ground

through our entire marriage.

And then I was alone.

And I haven't felt like dancing since.

It's not right to close off a part of you, is it?

Glenda Faye, would you dance with me?

Oh. You mean now?

Well, I've got the music in me.

Oh.

Oh, no. I don't think so.

Uh, no. Please?

My dad's got a barn. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, no... Music, minstro.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Aah!

Well, uh...

my regret is that women only want me for my body.

What?

Wanna trade regrets?

It's not funny, Mr. Bickley.

It's a curse I've had to live with.

Girls only see me as a plaything.

I have a mind too, you know.

I can't believe this.

I mean, when I'm on a date, all I hear is,

"Remo, make a muscle."

"Remo, make a muscle."

You know how cheap this makes me feel?

Hey, look, at heart, I'm an old-fashioned guy.

I don't know. These days, all women wanna do is

grope, grope, grope.

I'm tired of being a phone number

passed around at the beauty parlor.

You understand, don't you, Mr. McConnell?

I want a relationship.

I'm sorry, Remo, but he's already married.

I can't help that God built me this way.

You know how it feels when a woman looks at my shirt,

and then whispers to her girlfriend,

"I wonder if they're real"?

Tragic.

I don't know. I just pray that, somewhere,

there's some woman sensitive enough to...

I don't know, see beyond this...

classic shell of a man.

I wanna... I want her to discover the real Remo.

To reach out for me.

I wanna be talked to. I wanna be held.

Well, I'm sure there's someone

out there somewhere.

I just hope she's built.

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

All right. Who hasn't spilled his guts yet?

Let's see, I think it's...

Mr. McConnell and Mindy.

Um, Dad, will you go next?

Yeah, come on. Tell about the time you were sold

into bald slavery.

Well, there is something I've lived with

for quite some time.

Even Mindy doesn't know about it.

Really? What is it?

It happened November 24, 1950.

In Korea.

It was late, and we were on patrol.

I remember trudging through the frozen mud

in a miserable five below.

Suddenly, the sky lit up with incoming shells,

and we all scattered into the woods.

I'd never seen trees broken off at the top before.

Or men, either.

Now, the shelling stopped, and...

I was surrounded by an eerie silence.

Just then...

I heard the frozen mud crunch behind me.

I whipped around,

and I saw somebody charge at me with a fixed bayonet.

Before he could get to me,

I raised my rifle and I shot him.

And he flew back into a shell hole... dead.

Mindy, I killed a man.

Oh, but, Dad, you had to.

He would have killed you.

He was the enemy, Uncle Fred.

When he's 3 feet away, he's another human being.

The look on his face as his life...

left him...

There are nights when I still see it.

I just wish I didn't have to pull that trigger.

If you didn't, Fred, you wouldn't be here with us.

Yeah, and you never would have had Mindy.

Mork, you're right. Yeah.

Now I'd probably be living with Mr. Bickley.

Then I'd really have a regret to share with you all.

My, some of these regrets are heavy.

You know, but they've made me feel

so much closer to all of you tonight.

It feels really very good.

I never knew exposing myself was such a warm experience.

Well, it's been an interesting party,

but it's past my bedtime.

Hey, wait a minute. Mindy, you haven't

told us your regret.

Oh...

No, no, no, no. Sh-She has no regrets.

She's led a perfect life...

thanks to me and her Remington.

Come on, Mindy.

Well, see, I... I really can't, uh...

The door. Oh.

Whew.

Regretus interruptus.

Oh, no.

Mork, is that you?

I-It's me, Exidor.

No, I'm Exidor. You're Mork.

Who is that?

Exidor, the town loon.

I resent that, curly.

I don't live in town.

I'm a valley guy.

I bring bad news, Mork.

It's not going to be easy. I'd better sit down.

I just got back from the doctor.

Which doctor?

Exactly.

He told me in Swahili, I've only got 41 years to live.

Here's his note describing my condition.

"your mama."

Uh... Uh, for goodness sakes,

Exidor, 41 years is a long time.

Easy for you to say, cue ball. You've got your health.

I'm about to punch out.

That's why...

I plan to spend my last waning moments...

here in this house...

with my dearest friends.

Imagine our excitement.

I'll just lie down unobtrusively.

All of you vital people

just go on with whatever you were doing.

Okay, Mindy. What are your regrets?

Remo, there is a man in a robe, lying on us.

I couldn't help overhearing.

What's this garbage about regrets?

We're all telling each other things that we regret the most.

Oh, I've got one...

besides the fact that whitey here has got bony knees.

You know, Mork... I've been feeling...

really down in the dumps, since my wife left me.

Well, you must have been awful shocked

when she bit through the leash and got away.

I was feelin' really low there, for a while.

I even let my appearance go.

And then, as fate would have it,

I became attached to another woman.

Deeply attached.

My regret is that... I haven't told her my feelings.

Oh, well, then, by all means, go and tell her now.

Should I, Mork?

Should I run to her and risk rejection,

not to mention mono?

Yes. Yes, go to her!

Let your heart fly, like a moth into a blowtorch.

I love you, my sweet!

I wanna have your baby!

Oh, no. No way. Not me.

I see.

Goodbye whitey, shorty, curly.

You too, perky.

You know, Mork, you're the only one here

with a normal name.

Well, I hate to admit it,

but this has been the best 50-year-old birthday party

I've ever had.

And you've all helped me learn something here tonight.

Age has nothing to do with regrets.

I can do all those things I've always wanted to do,

starting tomorrow.

Who the hell is stopping me?

But tonight, I need my rest.

I've got 50 years of living, starting tomorrow.

Come on, Frankie.

Let's see if we can beat these kids to the door.

Well, the guest of honor is leaving.

It doesn't take the roof to fall in on my head.

I know the party's over.

Sorry I didn't get to hear your regret, Mindy.

Oh, it'll keep. Thank you.

Thank you. Good night.

Thanks for coming. Bye.

Thank you.

Real nice to have friends, huh?

Yeah. See ya.

Bye, Remo. Yo, yo, yo!

All right, Mind. You can tell me now.

What was your regret? Come on.

What was your regret? Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, okay. Let me sit down.

My regret is...

that my mother had to die

before she got a chance to meet you.

See, I couldn't say that in front of everybody,

because... then I'd have to explain

that I wanted her to know everything about you, and...

And the fact that I came from another planet, and everything.

Yeah.

And that you're... as close to me as she was.

And that you're the most important thing in my life.

Deeply moved.

Well, my mom would have liked you, Mork.

I just know it.

I would have liked her too.

Yeah...

I know what I would have said to her too.

You do?

Sure.

Hello, Mrs. McConnell. Na-no.

That's my way of saying shalom.

Yes.

Um, n... Uh, no, ma'am, I...

I don't live around here, I live here.

Well... With Mindy, yes ma'am.

Oh, we're very close.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not that close.

I don't even know what that is.

But... you see, ma'am...

I'm a...

I'm a... I'm a creature from another planet.

You know, like Alien.

E-Except that I'm cuter,

and I don't skitter across the floor like that.

Oh, um, yes, ma'am, I'm single.

Um, you know,

if it wasn't for Mindy taking in strays,

I would never have a place to be.

I just wanna thank you

for bringing her into this world.

Do I love her?

Well...

I want us...

I wanna give her everything I have,

and spend the rest of my life with her.

Is that love?

Oh, whew.

You know, it's... It's kind of funny

that I had to come millions of miles

to find something deep inside of me.

I wonder if she feels the same way.

Yeah, I-I guess you're right. I should ask her myself.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you very much.

I-I-I like you too.

That's what I would have said to your mom.

I got a feeling you're trying

to say something to me too.

Mork, was my mother really here?

She told me to give you something.

I love you, Mindy.

I love you too, Mork.