Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no!

What a morning to be late.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'd like to get my hands on the guy

who invented the snooze alarm.

♪ Morning, morning... ♪

Oh, Min, let me help you with those suckers.

Come on now, hon. That's all right.

Isn't that lovely.

Heh-heh, here we are.

Thanks, Mork, but I was trying to put the boot on.

Oh. I guess we start off the day on the wrong foot, huh.

Well, Mind, I'm really famished.

I feel like Gandhi at a McDonald's.

Come on, now.

I feel like I can eat an aardvark's tongue.

Come on, now, Min.

Sorry, Mork. I'm production coordinator on a new show today

and I've got to be at the studio in 10 minutes.

Well, Min, you can fix me a minute steak.

That'll give you nine minutes to spare.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to fix your own breakfast today

and maybe dinner too.

It might be another late night.

Min, Min, Min, Min. Whoa. Red light, whoa.

Stop, kemosabe.

Listen.

You want moi to cook?

Yeah. You're a big Orkan now.

I think you can handle yourself in the kitchen

and maybe cleaning up around here too.

Min, Min, Min, I draw the line right there.

I will not cook, clean, or do windows.

I am man. Watch me sit.

Where'd you get that idea?

Robert Petrie, Jim Anderson, and Archie Bunker.

Who?

Mr. Television.

Oh.

Hm, well, Mork, that's a lot of bunk.

TV isn't real life.

Min, are you kidding?

Then Ricky really doesn't love Lucy?

♪ Babalu, babalu ♪

Look, Mork, since I've been working,

I just don't have enough time

to do all the things around the house

so I'm gonna need your help.

All right, Min. Enlightened Mork to the rescue.

Please don't make me cook because I'll get thinner

than Ronald Reagan's environmental budget.

Look, you traveled 200 million miles to get here,

I think that you can pour yourself a bowl of cereal.

Listen, I gotta run. I'll see ya later.

Don't wait up.

It might be another late night. Bye.

B-B-Big kiss, Mindy.

She used to have time for a big kiss,

now she doesn't even got time to pucker.

Oh, Mind, I knew you'd come... Ooh.

Is the lady of the house at home?

Exidor.

Mork, is that you?

Hey, what are we doing just standing here talking?

Come on in.

My, my, my, isn't this a delightful home?

Don't rush me. I'll get to the sales pitch.

Good morning, sir or madam.

We represent the Exidor-to-door company,

exclusive distributors

of these thingamajigs.

I'm sorry, Exidor,

but I already have a thingamajig.

All right, all right. I'll tell him what it does.

And why?

Because this miracle of modern technology

can do everything a maid can do

except steal the silverware.

And next week we're putting out an attachment for that.

Amazing.

Yes. The revolutionary, new maid-o-matic.

Exidor, does this really make housework easier?

You don't want it?

I know, I know, go to the hard sell.

You buy this gizmo,

or you'll never see your wife and kids again.

I'm not married.

We have an attachment for that too.

Maybe I should buy this,

'cause Mindy says I should be helping her

with the cooking and the cleaning.

What? Did you hear that, boys?

Ha-ha-ha-ha. The skirt's pushing him around.

No, she isn't.

Is. Isn't.

Is. The vote is 12 to 1 against ya.

Well, look, I guess she is,

but all I wanted to do was make housework easier.

Mork.

Mork, you whimpering washrag.

Pull yourself together.

Who wears the pants in this house:

you or the tomato? Well,

she does.

What?

Well, this man's had enough, though.

I'm not going to let her push me around,

because I'm going to be the best little wifey Mindy ever had.

But I do draw the line at motherhood.

Hola.

No. Mindy no en casa.

Gracias. Adiós, muchacha.

Boy, housework is a snap.

I don't know what Erma Bombeck's kvetching about all the time.

Let's see.

Oh, here we go.

Oh.

Oh, look. Brown and black, Mindy's favorite colors.

She won't mind. Keep the bugs away.

Let's see. What do we do now?

I think I'll make a little salad for my breadwinner.

There we are.

Instructions: "put vegetables inside."

All right, let's see.

Hey.

Ho.

Hey.

Let's see. "Turn on."

Hey! Wait a minute. Wait.

Vesuvius!

Abandon ship.

Quit cracking.

Take the boys, abandon ship.

Abandon ship.

What is going on?

Jiminy Crickets.

What in the world is going on here, Mork?

God, what are you trying to do,

qualify for a federal disaster loan?

Oh, Mr. Bickley, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

I mean, it looked so easy at the time I was doing it,

and all of a sudden "blammo" like Krypton.

It's wang, bang, flang...

Well, what did you expect? Housework isn't easy.

It's miserable, backbreaking, repetitive,

unrewarding, nonpaying labor.

Look what it's done to my hands.

That's horrible, they look like lobsters at a tanning salon.

Quick, call Madge.

Mindy made it always look so easy.

Well, it isn't.

And my wife didn't like it either.

She wanted to get a job, but I laid down the law.

I told her her job was to cook the meals

and take care of the house.

After that, we never had another problem.

Everything was doke-okey, right?

Wrong. She left me.

I still miss the static on the TV

when she'd vacuum under my feet.

I don't want Mindy to leave me.

Then you better call her

and find out how to run this place before it's too late.

I'll do that right away.

Five, four, three,

two, cue music, and...

Welcome to Talk to Dr. Lincoln,

a unique call-in program to help you, the viewer,

with your problem.

And now here's eminent local psychologist Dr. Joni Lincoln.

Good afternoon.

For the next half hour I'll be taking your calls

and hopefully helping you get your life back on the track.

Our number's on your home screen and our lines are open

so please call in. You'll be glad you did.

And it's a lot cheaper than an office visit.

Oh, there's our very first caller.

Hello, this is Dr. Lincoln.

Dr. Lincoln, I have been so paranoid lately,

it seems like everybody is trying to get me.

I see, and what is your name, ma'am?

Think you can trick me, huh?

What kind of a fool do you think I am?

Moving right along.

Let's try another call.

Hello. This is Dr. Lincoln.

Uh, hi, this is Mork.

Good afternoon, Mork. How can I help you?

Yes, may I talk to Mindy McConnell, please?

I'll kill him.

Mork, she's a little busy right now.

That's all right. I'll wait.

I have a canasta game going.

Mork, look, I have to keep this line open.

Could Mindy call you back later?

Kay-o.

That's live television for you.

Let's try another call.

Hello. This is Dr. Lincoln, and your first name is?

A Short memory. It's Mork.

Mork, I'm... I'm sorry,

but this line is in use for people with problems.

Oh, I know that,

and I've got a real doozy going here.

Mindy can take care of it

if I could just talk to her for a millisecond. Please.

What is it, Mork?

Mind, is that you? I can barely hear ya, hon.

Can you hear me now?

Yes, Mind, and you look stunning.

How do you get zucchini stains off the ceiling?

Why don't I help you with that when I get home?

Bye, Mork.

You're not gonna wave and throw me a kiss like Dinah?

What does that mean, Min?

Be home early.

And by the way, I love the show,

especially the... Is that a Princess Phone?

And now a word from our sponsor.

Oh, Dr. Lincoln, I'm so embarrassed.

I apologize. It'll never happen again.

You must think I'm some kind of a loon.

No, Mindy, but I might suggest

that this Mork come see me at the clinic.

What is it now, Mork?

Oh. Mr. Sternhagen.

Yes, I'll be right in to see you.

Oh.

I knew it was too good to last.

Mork. Mork.

Mork.

There's my lovely, mobile career woman.

Hello, hun. We're going to have dinner on the table

before you can say "Poppin' Fresh."

Say hi... "Poppin' fresh." - -too late.

Oh, look at this.

I got a little "bun in the oven" for you here.

Ooh. Hot potato. Hot potato.

Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven.

Mork, I almost lost my job today.

Oh, hon, I know work was such a hard, hard thing today.

Why don't you just sit down now and relax?

You sit down and rest those tired bones

and tootsies of yours. No problem.

Mork, I don't want to sit down.

No, no, no, no, no. There's your little pipe.

Here's the sports page.

I cut a few recipes out. I hope you don't mind.

And we got your little slippers here.

Little teddies on...

You don't know what a hard day it's been for me,

hon, trying to put a waxy, yellow buildup on that floor.

Mork, I don't want to talk about the floor.

I want to talk about what happened at work today.

Work, work, work.

That's all you type A personalities

ever want to talk about.

You don't know a thing about me.

Nothing to worry about by me.

You almost got me fired today.

You embarrassed me on the air, and I just want you

to promise that it will not happen again.

So this is the thanks I get for slaving over a hot stove

and working my fingers to the bone?

I'm wasting the best bleebs of my life.

Oh, no.

Mork.

Look, Mork, calm down.

No, you calm down!

Here I am in this house, cooped up all day,

vicariously living through your exploits...

Okay, Mork. Look. Forget...

Forget I ever mentioned anything about it.

We'll sit down, we'll have a nice little dinner,

just the two of us.

You want your dinner, you eat out.

Mork, come on. You're overreacting.

No. Don't touch me. I have a headache.

And always remember, Carol,

that one day your children will be parents too.

And that's when they'll get theirs.

Bye now.

Well, that wraps up another session.

So until next time, this is Dr. Joni Lincoln

hoping that all your problems are little ones.

A-Are we still on the air, Mindy?

Oh. Oh, no, it's over.

I mean, "wrap." It's wrapped.

Thank you.

Oh. I'm sorry, Dr. Lincoln.

I really am. I don't know where my mind has been lately.

Oh, Mindy, are you all right?

You've been forgetting cues,

and whenever the phone rings you cringe.

I know I'm not supposed to bring my problems to work with me,

but it's the guy I live with.

Mork.

Well, he's just not adjusting very well to my working.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be laying this all on you.

Oh, please, everybody does. It's part of the job.

Lay it on me.

Well, it's just that the two of us...

Well, I-I don't know,

everything got turned around somehow.

And it was pretty weird to begin with.

I see, well, Mindy, in any household,

when a woman begins a career,

there are always going to be some adjustments.

I know, I went through it with my family.

Yeah, but Mork has overadjusted.

In one day he went from being Ozzie to Harriet.

Could be an identity problem.

Well, Mork shares in the housework,

but I want to help with those responsibilities too.

I don't want him waiting on me hand and foot.

How long have you been living together?

About three years.

Is your physical relationship compatible?

Uh...

Well, I-I guess that all depends on what you call "compatible."

I-I mean, um, well, we kiss and you know,

but we don't... You know.

But... But we're compatible.

Well, you know, Mindy, in any relationship

it takes more than one person to make a problem,

and we can talk about a number of ways to help improve things,

but right now I'd rather you didn't say a word.

Why?

Because I think we're still on the air.

I'll be right in, Mr. Sternhagen.

Hi, Mork.

Oh, it's you. How nice.

Uh, did you happen to see the show today?

No, Min, I had an exhausting afternoon

at the daycare center.

We had an artistic problem.

There was a crayon lodged in Mrs. Fowler's ear.

Well, listen. Today I had a long conversation

with Dr. Lincoln about our problems.

Problems? We have no problems.

We're as happy as two moths and a porch light. You know:

Oh, Mork, no, we're not.

Oh, yes, we are.

And I'm part of the problem.

Oh, Min, you're... Oh, Min. Min.

You don't know what it's like to carry this all alone.

I thought I was an anchor around your neck.

I thought I was a hangnail on the finger of ambition.

Oh, Min, how can we save

the shambles of this relationship?

Oh-h-h. Well, Dr. Lincoln suggested some ways

that would help us to relate better.

They're really more like games.

Games? Why didn't you say so? I'll be shirts and you be skins.

No.

No, they're not those kind of games.

Um, actually, they're more like exercises in trust.

Okay, let's start with a real simple one, all right?

All right. All right.

You stand over here. Just stand straight.

Now I want you to fall, and I'll catch you.

Sounds reasonable.

All right, I'll go along with this,

but if it doesn't work, I'm walking.

No, that's what it's about. You've got to trust me.

Come on, fall. I promise I'll catch you.

You promise? I promise.

All right.

Custer.

Nice catch, Min.

Mork, you were supposed to fall backwards.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

I'm gettin' the hang of it now, Min.

Okay. Something's not right here.

Yeah. While you're still in one piece,

let's try something else

that might help us understand each other.

Um, it's called role reversal.

It's where I play you, and you play me,

and then we act out a scene from our normal, daily life.

You mean, I'll be Mindy and you'll be Mork?

There are laws against that, Min.

I think it could only help.

Well, all right.

Give me till tomorrow morning to shave my legs.

I have to pluck my eyebrows and buy some things.

I'll be back.

Morning, Mind.

Morning, Mork.

Oh, gosh, I'm going to be late again.

Oh, Min, Min, Min, Min.

Will you fix me breakfast, huh, huh, huh?

Will ya? Will ya? Will ya?

I'm so hungry I could eat Bebo.

Mork,

haven't got time right now.

I'm too busy being a butch career girl.

Hey, wait a minute. That's hittin' below the belt.

Stop it. You're gonna stretch out my boots.

These are your boots?

Had to stuff socks in the front.

Oh, Mork, you're so talented and handsome,

and you have such great taste in clothes.

Hey, wait a minute, I never said that.

It would be nice if you did once in a while.

Mork, Mork, where are my car keys?

Did you bury them again?

Well, I locked them in the jeep so they wouldn't get lost.

Did I do good? Did I, did I, huh, huh, huh?

Do I get a gold star?

Absolutely not.

Shazbot.

Mork, come, sit down.

Sense of impending doom.

Here we go. Let's sit down and talk.

Not on your face.

Now, Mork, Mork...

Mork, I realize you're an alien

that doesn't know his elbow from his raznick...

Yes, but I never would have done it

without your patience and understanding.

Oh, really?

Hello.

It's Mr. Sternhagen, my boss at the station.

Yes, Mr. Sternhagen.

Yes, I'm still here.

Yes. I have a little jeep problem.

You're right. That's no reason to lose my job.

Thank you. Bye, Mr. Sternhagen.

Oh.

Good news?

I have to be at the station in 10 minutes,

or I'm off the air forever.

You'll just have to fix yourself breakfast,

and I'll be home before midnight.

But, but, Min.

Wait a minute, Mork. Wait...

Don't leave without giving me a big...

Kiss?

I've been ignoring you, haven't I?

Well, who can blame you?

I mean, I didn't realize I was that hard to live with.

As a roommate, I'm no John Ritter.

Oh, Mork, you're terrific.

Different, but terrific.

Oh, Mork, our lives are changing,

and we just have to do a better job

of changing with them.

Yeah, you're right.

From now on, I'm only going to do my share.

Housework is really hard.

Yeah. Ow, ow, ow.

And I'm gonna try not to use so much of myself up

at the office that I have nothing left to give to you.

See, I feel better already.

We're gonna have to promise each other

that we'll always tell each other how we're feeling.

You got it.

I feel happy now.

Well, that's good.

I feel happier.

Oh, really? Now it feels like almost joy.

Oh, oh, it is joy.

Oh, goodbye, joy. Hello, ecstasy!

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Hello, anybody home?

Ah, Mork. I love what you've done with your hair.

Oh, no, Orson, sir.

It's me, Mindy McConnell. Remember me?

I was here a few months ago with Mork...

Silence. Where's Mork? What's happened to his report?

Oh. Well, sir, you see,

Mork and I started sharing all our responsibilities lately,

so here I am.

But if you'd really rather speak to Mork, I could...

Just get on with it.

Okay.

See, my report

is really about my and Mork's relationship.

Again?

He told you about it?

What did he say?

Everything.

Well, he couldn't have, sir,

because a good relationship is always changing and growing.

But if a relationship works well,

why would you want to change it?

Well, sometimes there's no choice, I mean,

you never know what hurdles life is gonna place in front of you,

and each one is a test of how much you care.

And sometimes even if you don't have trouble getting over them,

your partner may.

So you either stop and help them over, or you go on alone.

Did I do all right?

Not bad for an Earthling.

Oh, that's big of ya, sir.

No, I didn't mean "big."

I meant that's good of you, sir. Good, um...

Maybe we can do this again sometime soon.

Don't press your luck.

Right. Well, um,

this is Mindy McConnell signing off for Mork.

Um, n...

Na-no, na-no.