Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no.

Announcing the red-carpet treatment

for Grandma's return home.

This is going to be the most exciting party

since the inauguration.

Well, I'm celebrating too,

but not quite as flamboyantly.

I'm trying to make Grandma's favorite dessert: peach cobbler.

It looked so easy when she made it. A peach cobbler.

Can he make me a little, fuzzy pair of shoes, Mind? Ar!

I know, that one was the pits. Ar, ar, ar!

I'm really looking forward to her visit.

I've got my bedroom all cleaned and ready for her.

Don't worry about that. I've turned my armoire

into a hospitality suite,

If she can stand living with my moth collection.

Come on, now, let me show you, please.

Come on down here, sweetheart.

Let's fly. Fly like the wind.

Let me show you what I've got ready for her now.

First of all, I have her new trapeze to sleep on.

And to make her feel really at home, her favorite pinup boy.

Thank you, Judy and Cissy,

for that lovely iguana dance of love.

Oh, Mork, that's really sweet, but somehow,

I think Grandma would prefer to sleep horizontally.

Why, Mind? You said she joined a swinging seniors club.

There's not that kind of swinging.

You see, it's a group of active older people

who believe that life doesn't have to be dull after 60.

Oh, unless you watch Tom Snyder.

Look who's here.

Grandma's back, and you got her.

Oh, Grandma, it's so good to see you.

Oh, me too, Grams. That goes double for me.

Mork, back off.

Well, hi, Mork. How's my favorite spaceman?

Oh, wonderful, Grams. Wait.

Oh, marvelissimo.

Thank you very much.

Well, this is really a royal welcome.

A banner, a red carpet...

and peach cobbler?

Yeah, the kind that Grandma used to make... I hope.

Can you stay forever, Grams? Hm? Can you maybe? Hm? Can you...?

Oh, that's sweet of you, Mork, but no.

I can only stay three days, and then I'm going on to Vegas.

My group is having a convention.

Yes, and it's her turn to pop out of the cake.

I only do that for the Shriners.

Come on over here and tell us all about

how you like living in Boston.

Well, Boston is really the best.

Here, you got a little something on your face. There.

But living with my little sister Mildred is never easy.

Well, you know how it is when they're that age.

They think they have all the answers.

Well, I suppose I was the same way when I was 70.

But enough about me. Now, tell me,

what's the poop around here?

Oh, that scoop. Oh, we're gonna dish till dawn.

First of all, uh, Mindy got a job,

I got a job, Carter lost a job, awww.

I wonder why peanut butter was getting so expensive.

And, uh, Brooke Shields turned 40 on her 15th birthday.

Uh, coleslaw's hard to reheat,

and also, uh, they put Walter Cronkite out to stud.

Watch out, Grandma.

Well, you did ask what was new.

Grandma, we've planned a special luncheon for you tomorrow.

We've got a lot of new friends in town,

and we've told them all about you.

Not all, dear.

The best hasn't happened yet.

Well, dear, I do want to meet all your friends, yes,

but, say, I'd better get out and bring in the rest of my things.

Can I carry your barbells?

Yes, dear, if you're sure they're not too heavy for you.

You know, honey, your grandmother

has been so sweet to me.

Not one insult all day. Oh.

I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Well, Fredzo, are you going to give us a hand,

or are you just going to stand there like a weed? Come on.

Well, and so I told him,

I said, "Take your hand off my knee, buster,

or you'll land a half-hour before the plane does."

Oh, Mindy, she's such a treat.

Where do you get your spunk?

Oh, I go to a clinic for spunk shots.

You know, Cora, you remind me of my grandmother.

Yeah, except you don't have a mustache.

Oh, Remo, that's not nice.

Would be if she'd wax it.

Oh. Oh, look at her laugh.

Isn't she cute the way her little cheeks shake?

Mindy tells me that you're off to Las Vegas

for a convention of swinging seniors.

I don't think I ever heard of them.

Well, we travel a lot to promote the rights of the retired.

It's something like the Gray Panthers,

only we have leather shawls.

And our slogan is:

Bert Parks lives.

Hey, I feel just like one of the girls.

Excuse me.

Gee, Cora, you know, that sounds like a really fascinating group.

Yeah, it does. Mm-hm.

In fact, that'd make a great subject for a story.

Grandma, would you do an interview with me

down at the TV station?

Me, on television? Yeah.

No, really, I think there'd be a lot of people

who'd love to hear about you and your group.

Oh, Mindy,

nobody's going to be interested in me.

Well, I'll have to get a new hat.

Mind... Oh.

I looked through every nook and cranny,

and I couldn't find Granny. Ohhh.

I just don't understand it.

I mean, she was just gonna go out and buy a new hat,

and then come straight back here and get ready for the interview.

Me watch out now.

What are you doing?

Listening for thundering beat of sensible shoes.

Oh, I just better go look for her myself.

Oh, let me go with you, Mind.

Grandma. Are you all right?

Oh, I-I-I guess so,

but I never was so frightened in all my life.

Oh, here, sit down.

Look at my new hat.

Oh, what happened?

Oh, children, it... It was dreadful.

Well, I was just walking through the park

on my way home,

and I...

And I... I was mugged.

Oh, that's awful.

Don't worry, Grams, you're... You're home now.

Ma'am, we'll do our best, but don't get your hopes up.

We can't be everywhere at once.

You know, there's so many of them,

and too few of us.

I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Good night.

Thank you. Good night.

Oh, boy.

Is that what they call a cop-out, Mind?

You know, that really ticks me off.

Three guys mug Grandma in broad daylight,

and the police can't even do anything about it.

Yeah. Mindy, I hope you won't mind, dear,

but I don't feel up to doing that interview tonight.

I understand, Grandma. Yeah.

Listen, can I get you anything?

How about a nice cup of tea?

No. No, thank you, dear.

Well, how about some Jell-O with corn?

No.

No, dear. I think I'll just, uh, go and lie down for a while.

It... It just hasn't been my day.

Oh, Grams, if you don't like that,

how about some tapioca with peas?

Oh, Mork, thank you, but, no. Oh.

What's wrong with Grams, Mind?

It's almost like they let the air out of her life.

Oh, Mork, mugging's a terrible thing.

It's too bad it's not like on Ork.

There, mugging is when someone goes...

"Mister..."

Well, on Earth, you...

You get roughed up and robbed,

and it's really scary.

Wow. Why would they do wanna do something like that to Granny?

Well, it's much easier to pick on the elderly, Mork.

They're less likely to put up much of a resistance.

You know, Mind, this is the only planet in the universe

that has no respect for its elders.

It's not much to be proud of, is it?

No.

Well, I gotta go to work.

Boy, I sure hate to leave Gram

after she's been through all this.

Don't worry, Mind. I'll take care of her.

Oh, thanks.

I'll make sure she's well-protected.

I've also realized one thing, Mind.

Granny's a member of an endangered species.

Oh.

You know, they're gonna expect me to fill the time

with an interview at the station.

Oh, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Maybe I'll fill it with an editorial.

Yeah, and I think I have a real strong topic.

Good luck. Thanks.

Cora's still asleep, thank goodness.

What kind of planet are you running here?

I mean, if this happened back on Ork,

we'd have those thugs recycled into bedpans.

Look. Here's Mindy's spot.

The following is an editorial,

and does not reflect the opinions

of KTNS Television or its management.

Oh, boy, wasn't she great?

Good evening, everyone.

This is Mindy McConnell, and tonight I had planned

to interview one of Boulder's outstanding senior citizens.

However, she's unable to be here tonight

because of a senseless, unprovoked crime.

She was mugged.

This incident occurred in broad daylight

in a park where she has felt safe for over 50 years.

Crimes against the elderly increase every year.

What is the value of a longer life expectancy

if we're forced to spend it behind locked doors?

Well, today, my grandmother was a victim.

Tomorrow, it could be you or yours.

I don't have any answers,

but something has to be done about it now.

We must get involved, and we have to do it now.

Thank you very much.

What a girl.

Boy, that should get some action.

Oh, you're not kidding, pops.

Ohh. You're not kidding there. Yessiree, bobcat. Oh, yeah.

I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean?

No, sir, I don't have a mother.

That makes me mad too!

You leave my mother out of this.

What happened? What...? What's all that yelling?

Oh, I-I'm... I'm sorry, Grans.

But Mindy just goosed my civic consciousness.

She was just on TV, Cora.

Mindy gave an inspiring editorial

on protection for the elderly.

Oh, bless her heart,

but I don't know how much good it'll do.

It just is not safe outside.

I'm scared.

I'm going back to Boston.

Oh, but what about your swinging seniors?

Well, they'll just have to swing without me.

I-I think I'd feel a lot better under my own roof.

Now, I know you both care,

but... But I just want to go home.

Well, if that's what you want, Cora,

but I wish you'd think it over.

Look, I, uh... I'm afraid I have to get to the concert.

Okay. Excuse me, Grams.

Pop, is there anything we can do?

I don't think so, Mork.

She's afraid, and she doesn't feel safe.

Maybe a monthly check

isn't the kind of social security she really needs.

You know, the money those muggers took can be replaced,

but the thing that really burns me up

is they stole her spirit.

And how do you get that back?

Hey, Gran, now, come on, you can't leave.

That'd be like giving up.

If you do that, I mean, you'll be afraid to go anywhere.

Well, what...? What can I do about it, Mork?

You heard what that policeman said.

Oh, I wish those punks could be in my shoes,

and then they'd know how I felt.

Wait a minute. Time-out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh-ho-ho.

Raindrops falling on the fertile fields of fair play.

Mork, what are you...? What are you talking about?

Well, Grandma, I think I have a foolproof plan.

I just... I just hope I'm fool enough to pull it off.

Come along, Clara.

Comin', Cora.

Ohhh.

You know, dear, I just think I had a blowout in my sup' hose.

Oh, Mork, do you think this is a good idea?

Now, now. Now, Cora, it's Clara.

Now, don't let your mind wander, dear. Don't let it...

Don't let it check out with the baggage again.

Now, if we're gonna catch these rats,

we're gonna have to spread out the Velveeta.

Come on, now, dear,

and try and act like an old lady. Hello.

Well, I'll try,

but I must admit, I am a little nervous.

In fact, I'm sacred to death.

Oh, don't you worry. Here, have one of these.

Have a little prune daiquiri.

Eh, no, thank you, eh, eh, Mork...

Uh, uh, Clara.

Oh, dear, are you sure you can handle these muggers?

No, dear, you're gonna handle 'em,

just like we planned.

Now, come along, honey. Come along.

I remember what my first husband, Robert,

said to me before he died. He said, "Hon... Ahh."

Oh, my son, the doctor.

He never writes me anymore.

He just sends money!

Lots of cold, hard cash!

You look, eh... You look tired, dear. Shall we sit a spell?

Oh, honey, let's do that. Let's just sit... Set right down.

Ah, oh, ohhh.

Here we are. Oh, this bag is so heavy.

Too bad I cashed all my T-bills today.

Shoot, it's a shame to carry around this much money.

You know, we're talkin' megabucks here.

I mean, enough to feed, like...

Oh, Mork, I think I see somebody coming. I'm so scared.

Oh, don't be paranoid, dear... Ah!

Oh, it's a minimugger. Hold on to your bubble gum.

Don't you ladies know you shouldn't be out this late?

Well, uh, thank you for your concern, dear,

but we're quite all right.

It's dangerous here.

I'd feel better if you let me walk you home.

Now, young man, don't you worry about a thing,

because my friend here has brass knuckles

and I have an inflatable Doberman in here.

Now take a hike.

Well, all right, but you be careful.

Oh, we will.

I guess I'll have to get my merit badge

in Girl Scout watching.

Oh, dear, this doesn't seem to be working out, Mork.

Maybe we'd better leave.

Now, Cora, Cora, Cora, we came here to get mugged,

and we're not leavin' till we do.

Oh, look, it's the road company from Deliverance.

Hello, boys. Squeal! How are you?

Ahhh. You've gotta hold onto your wallet.

There are muggers about here. There really are.

Clara, dear, they are the muggers.

Ohhh. Hello.

Welcome to the park.

Come on, Granny. Give me that purse.

No, no, trust me. It doesn't go with your shoes.

Hey, isn't this the old lady

from this afternoon? Circle the wagons.

What's the matter, you old frump?

Didn't you get enough?

Don't worry about a thing.

Give me the bag, you old bag. Oh, all right.

I have a little Orkan surprise for you in here.

Eeeee. Eeeee. Eeeee.

What's wrong with me?

I feel like I'm 100 years old.

Me too.

What?

Mork, they sound so old.

Well, they are, Cora.

I put them in an Orkan age warp.

On the outside, they're young, but on the inside,

they're celebrating the bicentennial.

Grab 'em, you guys.

Oh, I gotta sit down.

You just take a little nap.

We'll wake you up when the Republicans revoke your pension.

Wait. No, no. Don't you dare. Don't...

One down.

Hand over the watch, Granny.

No, no, please.

Not that. My husband gave me that.

Now, come on. You don't have to give them anything.

Remember, they're in your shoes now.

Eh, now, what was I saying?

Oh, yes, I said, "Let's have the watch."

Stick it in your nose, and blow it out your ear.

Gram, I didn't know you knew karate.

Well, I don't, but I love Bruce Lee movies.

Enter the granny.

Oh, I don't know what you've done to us,

but you're gonna pay for it.

All right, here's a down payment, sucker.

Pick on helpless people, will you?

Somebody grab her purse.

And then carry me to the car.

Did you hear that? They want your purse.

Why don't you just give it to 'em, dear?

Why, you're absolutely right, Clara. How rude of me.

No, no, no, honey, take mine. It's industrial strength. Oh.

Look, we did it. We gotta quit now.

There they are, officer.

Slap the cuffs on 'em, and throw the book at 'em.

Oh, you're a good Boy Scout.

Come on, let's go.

Officer, officer, these men mugged me this afternoon.

They did? Yeah.

It looks like you picked on the wrong lady.

All right. Straighten up.

Sure, that's easy for you to say.

You really roughed 'em up.

Oh, we did it in a ladylike fashion.

Well, you ladies will have to file a report later.

You got it, blue eyes.

Ha-ha! Ooh. Mm-mmm.

Young man.

You deserve a very special merit badge.

Who needs merit badges?

For this, I'll make the cover of Boys' Life.

Let's go.

Well, Clara.

Well, Cora.

Shall we head on home?

Well, honey, let's just take a hike ourselves.

You know, what a day this has been.

Oh, oh. I better get this girdle back to Mindy.

It's startin' to ride up a little.

Come on, everybody. Let's get going, Cora.

We gotta get to the airport

or you're gonna miss that shuttle to Las Vegas.

Oh, hold your water, Fredzo.

Fredzo. I'm gonna miss that.

Oh, I'm so glad to have my wallet back again.

You know, they didn't even wrinkle

that picture of Willie Nelson.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Gram.

Next time you're gonna have to stay longer.

Three days is not long enough.

No. Well, I promise, dear.

Good. Come on, Mork. We're ready to go.

What are you doing in that outfit?

It's not the same outfit, Mind. It's... It's a bolder print.

Stunning.

Oh, you're just jealous because you don't have legs like that.

Mork, enough is enough.

I know, I should have worn the pink.

It would have gone better with blue hair.

Oh, Mindy, don't be hard on Mork.

After all, if it hadn't been for his dressing up to look like me,

I'd still be in a blue funk.

We owe him a lot.

Well, I guess you're right. We do owe you a lot, Mork.

After all, you did help Grandma get her spirit back.

But, Clara, dear,

will you please change the dress for me?

All of you, I... I just want you to know that I have a date

with a very wonderful gentleman caller this evening.

You do? Yeah.

Oh. Comin', darlin'. Oh, no.

Shh, don't spoil it. Don't spoil it.

Hi, Clara, you ready?

Oh, yes, darlin'.

Now, we're gonna be crossing a very, very wide street,

so don't wait up.

Why don't you tell me more about your grandfather?

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Oh, don't fail me now.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Mmm, yeah.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, my main mammoth.

Mork, now what's gotten into you?

Oh, spirit's got ahold of me, sir. Gonna make me dance.

Ohhhh, yeah, mmm, oh, yeah.

Come on, Beebs, you'd be a better dancer

if you had feet, but let's go.

You've been warned about Earth spirits.

Are you possessed again?

Oh, no, sir. I'm just dancing to the beat of life.

See, this week I learned, sir, that without the right spirit,

you don't stand a ghost of a chance.

How do you get the right spirit, Mork?

Well, most Earthlings are born with it, sir.

But the hard part is to keep it.

How do people lose it?

Well, in this case, sir,

old people are sometimes ignored,

or they're pushed aside,

and most of all, sir, they're targets of abuse.

They don't really lose it as much as it's stolen from them.

That's criminal. I know, sir.

It's my theory, sir, that... That old people

have made a major contribution to society,

and they deserve a better return than half price at the movies.

If we really want to make their years golden,

I think we should pay them with our gratitude and respect.

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.