Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no!

Mindy, dinner was delicious.

Since Cathy is away, I'm grateful for any meal

that doesn't begin with the word "instant."

You certainly are in a good mood today,

considering Uncle Dave is coming into town tomorrow.

Yeah, well, we never got along very well.

It's just, well, he's always accomplished more than I did,

and he let me know about it.

He's always been a little eccentric.

Is that why every time you see him

you break out in hives?

Yeah, well, maybe this time it'll be different.

After all, it's been seven years since I've seen him...

and he reminded me of his island in the Caribbean.

And my mortgage in Boulder.

Well, you can stop scratching, Dad.

I'll make him a great dinner,

and tell Mork not to cut his meat with his finger.

Am I home yet, Mind?

Yes, Mork.

Oh, thank goodness,

this is the sixth house I've backed into.

All right, I'll ask.

Mork, why are you walking backwards?

I'm celebrating my heritage. This is National Backwards Day.

It's something that everyone looks forward to on Ork.

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, Pops, nice not seeing you.

Ha ha.

So you've been out walking around all day backwards.

Didn't people stare at you?

I don't know. I don't have eyes in the back of my head.

Well, I have to go.

Honey, just make sure you turn him around

by the time Dave gets here.

Pops, don't start scratching yet.

That holiday's not until next month.

So Mork, how long does National Backwards Day last?

In Earth years, Mind?

Mork...

It's over, Mind. By the way, who's Dave?

Oh, Dave is Dad's brother.

Pop has a biological brother?

Huzzah, huzzah, huzzah!

Is he older, younger? Male, female?

Well, he's older...

and brothers are almost usually always male.

Oh, not Dr. Joyce Brothers.

It's been years since we've seen

Uncle Dave and Aunt Caroline.

Dad really wants to impress his brother,

so, please, try to act like an earthling.

You got it, Mind. Who do you want me to be?

Catchy tune.

Oh, it's here. It's my package from Ork.

I ordered it special delivery.

Ooh...

Thank you, and no tip. You were slow opening.

Oh, yum.

Oh, Mind, ceremonial food for Backwards Day.

What is it?

It's called fleck.

Fleck? What's that?

It's like nargle, except you don't grow feathers.

It doesn't look like food.

These are the seeds, Mind.

You just plant them, and up comes fleck.

There we go.

♪ Now, little one, In time and growth we'll know ♪

Mork, on Ork, do all plants grow that fast?

Yes, Mindy.

On Ork, even the begonias have stretch marks.

Hello, Caroline. Fred, dear...

How nice to see you.

Hi, Aunt Caroline.

This can't be Mindy.

Yeah.

Oh, my, what a big girl you've grown up to be.

So where's that big brother of mine?

Oh, uh, Dave, dear, Fred and Mindy are here.

Oh, he just can't wait to see you.

Junior, as I make it, you're four minutes late.

I've bought companies in less time.

Yes, I know, Dave, but it's wonderful to see ya.

Wait a minute. This is Mindy, of course.

What a pretty little girl you are.

The outfit's a little strange.

I don't know about the sweater, the...

Doesn't make any difference.

Uncle Dave, it's nice to see you.

Good.

I'll save those.

You just move your little Adidas into the kitchen,

and let's get some goodies, huh?

Yes, Daddy, dear.

Oh, I don't know what I'd do without her,

I think I'll keep her.

Tell me something, junior...

where's your ball and chain?

My what?

I-I think he means your little wifey.

Oh, oh. Cathy's in Chicago this weekend.

You let her travel... by herself?

Oh, yeah, she plays flute in a chamber group.

Fascinating.

No. No, they're very good.

Oh, come on, junior,

you gotta be kidding me.

I mean, you got your wife playing the flute in Chicago,

putting a stick in her face?

You can't cut it on your own?

Hey, tell me something, incidentally...

how's the arm?

It itches.

Well, I mean, you're the maestro, the guy with the baton.

How about a little building up of the biceps, huh?

Oh, well, no, Dave. Come on, now.

I think we're a little old for all of this, don't you?

What do you mean, "a little old," junior?

Oh, no. You're never too old for the taste of victory.

Okay.

All right? All right?

Here we go. Okay?

Okay. One more for me.

Now you have a real disadvantage.

Okay. All right. Ready?

Yeah.

Hello. Dave McConnell here.

About what?

You want me to speak to the Boulder Association?

Uncle Dave...

Wait a minute.

Um, I thought you and Aunt Caroline

were having dinner at my house tonight.

Yeah, that's right,

but what time are we eating, sweetheart?

Uh... 7:30?

7:30... 7:30...

Listen, how about 9:00, okay, boys?

I'll be there.

Let's see, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess some things never change.

Wrong, junior.

No... this time you didn't cry for mommy.

Let's take a look at it.

Awww.

Mmm, this smells good.

Mmm, is that good.

Mind, how do my pants look?

Very nice.

I pressed them myself.

Think I can get a better crease

if I take them off first?

Yes, possibly.

Mork, could you help me finish setting the table?

Uncle Dave is really in a hurry

and he wants to eat as soon as he gets here.

Well, maybe we could start off by serving frogs' arms.

We're not serving frogs' arms.

See, we're already ahead of schedule.

You know, I don't know why we're going

to all this trouble for Uncle Dave.

I mean, he hasn't been very nice to Dad.

I'm making this big meal,

and you made this delicious dessert.

My delicious... Mind...

Are you inferring that some of that

has passed by your perky, little lips?

Oh, yeah. It's good.

Mind, that was fleck,

Fleck?

And no earthling has ever eaten that before.

I'm going to be all right, aren't I?

Just be calm, and tell me where you keep your stomach pump.

Stomach pump?

Oh, I didn't mean to frighten you.

We'll just have to use the plunger. Open up!

Come on, you're overreacting.

I just ate a little, tiny piece, and I feel fine.

Will you sign a statement to that effect, Mind?

Sure.

I guess if it's okay for Orkans,

it's all right for you.

Listen, Mork, there's nothing wrong with me

that getting through this evening won't cure.

I'll get it.

I wonder if Uncle Dave would mind if I tied her to a chair.

Mork, what did I just do?

Something like this...

It must be the fleck.

But I feel perfectly normal right now.

Mindy, it's dad.

Mork, if I start acting strange, cover for me, all right?

I mean, Dad's got enough on his mind.

Be calm, be calm, be calm.

Hello. Hi.

I'll just put this over here.

Mindy, you look beautiful,

and, Mork, you look... almost human.

And I really want to thank you.

I appreciate you trying to make everything normal.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Whoa!

Take a look over here.

Will you look at that wall there?

Mork, what are we looking at?

You're looking right there at that wall.

It's amazing how the floor and the ceiling

kind of butt together.

Well, Mork, that is interesting,

but I think maybe tonight it might be a good idea

if we don't discuss wall appreciation with Dave.

All right. That's fine, sir, I think...

How about we sit down

and have a little snort before dinner?

You know, it always relaxes you. It relaxes me too.

How about a little toddy for the body?

Mind, are you all right?

Mork, I can't seem to control myself.

Why did this have to happen tonight?

I don't know, Mind.

That's Dave.

He never has time to knock twice.

I shall get it.

No, wait. I'll answer it.

What's she doing?

The bunny hop.

Listen, Mindy...

What's going on around here?

Hello. Hi.

Hello, Caroline. Hello, Dave.

Hello, umm... my name is Mork.

I'm the Caucasian help this evening.

I do not live with Mindy,

and it's a pleasure to have you here.

Yeah, all right... Kid?

Thank you, sir.

Come on, let's eat, junior. Time is Krugerrands.

It's nice having you here, Uncle Dave.

My, what a lovely apartment. I just love...

Please, please...

you keep chattering, Mother, we're going to miss dessert!

Well, Dave, I certainly hope you're hungry

because Mindy has prepared a wonderful dinner.

Incidentally, incidentally...

Mother, do you want to pass along

this fine bottle of sauce to junior?

"château-la-fête McConnell."

Your own vineyard. That's quite impressive, Dave.

The fact is it's Mother's and mine, isn't it?

Just north of Napa.

Huge monastery, about 50 monks.

We lost four.

Jumped a bus or something. I don't know.

At any rate, long about late July, early August,

those little devils come out...

jumping up and down on their little feet

and pressing out these grapes.

Of course, there are no women in the monastery,

are there, Mother?

No, there are not.

So you just see them jumping up and down

on their little feet, going away, going away,

stepping on those little grapes.

Uncle Dave, sir, Aunt Caroline, sir,

can I show you the rest of the house?

There's the attic. Here's the bedroom.

This is our living room,

or as we like to call it, our living space.

Mindy, are you all right?

Uhh, yeah, uhh...

I'll explain it to you later, but, dad...

I'm fine.

Dinner's ready.

Well, let's all sit down, shall we?

Let's go over and sit down.

This is a special occasion.

Normally we have duck in a bucket.

Here you are, Mother.

Ahh ha ha! Beat ya to it, jelly belly!

Get some therapy for her. Therapy, huh?

Mindy, are you all right?

She normally likes to do this before dinner.

It's kind of like a punk grace.

♪ Can you like The food we eat? ♪

Mindy: Mindy, Mindy.

I'm hungry. Could I have something to eat?

Would you like, uh, a-an olive?

Yes, I'd like an olive.

How's this?

Mmm, good. Good.

Mmm...

Pft!

Bombs away!

I want to tell you something...

I want to tell you something...

Fit her for an electric bonnet now.

And set it at 580.

Dave, I think that's just Mindy's way

of making a little joke.

You should see it

when she touches her tongue to her eyebrow.

We haven't had a fly in here in three years.

I'm telling you, you should put a muzzle on her

and send her to an obedience school.

Hey, picklepuss.

Aah!

That does it. That does it. That does it.

Come on, Caroline, let's go. Let's get the coats.

Next thing, she'll be howling at the moon.

Well, I don't... I don't think she would do that.

Would she? I'm not sure.

Wait, Uncle Dave.

Uncle Dave, come back. Please, Aunt Caroline.

I-I don't know what came over me.

Neither do I.

I really apologize.

I mean, you haven't even finished dinner,

and this means so much to dad and me.

Uh, Dave, look...

I-I don't know what's come over Mindy, but please stay.

Are you kidding? I told Caroline.

I told you, coming down on the plane

this was going to be a bummer of a reunion!

And it's a bummer! I want out!

I want out.

Wait, Uncle Dave, sir, you can't leave

with bitter memories in your mind.

Why not leave with something sweet,

like, I have this delicious dessert.

You have to try it. Ple-e-ease.

You know, incidentally,

you seem like the only normal one here.

It's not bad, not bad...

A little on the tart side, kind of gritty.

Uh, Uncle Dave...

are you feeling all right...

right... right... right?

Of course I'm feeling...

All right. Right.

Right. Left. Left!

All right, little girl,

these are the trenches.

Not easy to ride a horse in a trench, is it?

Go on back in the tents with the young children.

Stay in that barn until the war's over.

You. Help with the walking wounded.

They must be walking, however.

Crossed in front of a horse.

Easy.

All right. Easy.

Men. Take a look at it. It's Whitey.

No, the horse.

Sergeant major, good say.

Captain Bevra, here.

What say you, sir?

Oh, these are the trenches, of course.

Hey, man, what's going on?

Oh, an American.

Good to see you, good to see you.

You're from what division?

Rainbow division.

Come on, man, shape up or ship out.

Love you, love you.

Let's attack anyway.

Brian, Brian.

Father. Oh, black people.

God bless you.

I was kicked out of Santos, sir, they found me in a dress.

Doesn't make any difference...

They found you in what? A gown.

A gown's better.

They're coming Father, look,

thousands of Huns, Germans, and borscht.

Germans and borscht?

What's the borscht?

A small soup with beets.

My hand, my hand!

I'm sorry.

I'm hurt, I'm hurt.

I know you are, but you killed the old man

with four fingers in his head.

Looks like the bloody war's over.

What a shame.

And I got no action.

You know, I can't...

I think it's... No, it's my medallions.

There we are.

We'll see you after the war, probably in a VW.

Did somebody switch brothers on me?

I've never seen him act like this before.

I don't mean to pry, dear, but are you back from the war?

Dave, what's come over you?

Oh, I don't know, junior.

I was just playing.

Well, you never did that with me, I mean,

you never played with me, when we were kids.

Well, I know that.

When I came along, as you know, I was first.

I was first.

I knew at 3 years of age, I was first.

They gave me a little kitty and a little doggy.

And Daddy would bounce me on his knee... left knee.

And then on his right knee.

And then, Mama would just bounce me.

She'd dribble me... and shoot me,

and I'd say "Voit, Voit, Voit!"

And then you came along.

I suppose I was jealous, insanely jealous.

I saw your little body in a 50x20 bed.

They played with you, painted you up,

made you a bizarre child.

I began to hate you, hate you, hate you.

And I don't like you anymore.

I don't like you, Freddy. Don't like you, junior.

You wonder why I'm different,

why I'm twisted and bent out of shape?

Because you took my parents...

from me!

Don't worry, Aunt Caroline.

If anybody can find Uncle Dave, Mork can.

Mork, any luck?

No, I found him.

You'll never guess where.

Errrrnt! Time's up.

Top of the flagpole, City Hall.

Oh, Dave, dear, are you all right?

Dave, wait a minute. Now, Dave... Dave, look...

Wait...

Well, excuse me. I think Dave needs me...

to yell at.

Well, it was the fleck, Dad. He'll calm down.

No, no, no, Mindy...

fleck or no fleck, Dave's right.

We've never gotten along. We never will.

He's your brother, and he happens to feel

like you've robbed him of something very special.

What do you want me to say to him?

He doesn't listen to me.

I'll talk to him, Pops.

I mean, who talked him out of the lobster tank

at the seafood shanty?

Now, Dave, I think...

Well, I guess he can't make it worse than it already is.

All right, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, Min. Min, wait, wait.

Let me tell you what Uncle Dave said first.

Tell junior when I walk out of here,

I don't want to see him in this room,

any room, anywhere... Even a sleazy hotel in Bangkok.

It was wonderful seeing you, and it's a good thing we did

because we'll probably never see you again.

Dave... I don't want it to end like this.

Just tell it to the doorman downstairs!

Oh, now you just hold it, brother!

All my life you've ignored me, you've humiliated me,

and you've made me itch like the devil.

And I never stopped trying to win your approval.

Do you know what it's like to love a brother

and he doesn't love you back?

It hurts.

Goodbye, Dave.

I still wish you well.

Come on, kids, let's go.

Oh, Daddy, you're so good at negotiating, say something.

Wait a minute...

Wait a minute, junior. Give me a minute, will you?

I, uhh... I learned a lot this evening.

I... I really did.

You made a fool out of me, man.

I came off looking bad.

Maybe it's better that way,

but I don't want it that way any longer.

I want it to be right.

The folks are gone,

and you and I are still brothers

and we're still alive, still very much alive.

I want your love as bad as you want mine.

Hey, come on, put 'er there...

Freddy.

You're still a dynamo.

You rascal.

Hey, Mama...

Listen, why don't I take us all to dinner?

Get your purse, will ya, sweetheart?

What's that for?

For giving my father a brother.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson, Come in, oh, mighty sequoia.

Why do you call me "sequoia," Mork?

Well, sir, it's the fattest tree that I know.

Ar ar!

Your report, Mork.

This week, sir, I learned about competition...

The type of competition that occurs

between different branches of the same family tree.

You see how that all ties it in... Tree, roots?

You've told me earthlings were competitive,

but I didn't know they brought it home with them.

Oh, yes, sir, you see,

Sibling rivalry has been around for a long time.

It started off with Cain and Abel,

competing for God's attention,

right through Donny and Marie competing for the same hairdo.

Oh, Donny, why?

But isn't competition a healthy thing?

Well, sir, it can be.

You see, I think a family should be like a team.

They shouldn't be forced to wear pads

to protect each other from contact.

Everyone should be rooting each other on.

Well, why don't they?

It starts with one person comparing himself to another,

and he forgets that the only standards he has to meet

are the ones he sets for himself.

But, isn't it through competition,

that greater heights are reached?

Yes sir, but I don't think you should use

your family as steppingstones.

Until next week, sir, na-no.