Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no!

Okay, let's see.

"Well, Grandma, that about wraps things up here.

"Mork is fine.

I should say, 'Mork is Mork.'

You never know what he's going to do next."

It's terrible!

"But I'm think I'm about to find out."

Oh, Min, oh, Min, it's so terrible!

Min, I could... Min, I could hold my breath

until I turn chartreuse.

That's blue, Mork.

Hold your breath until you turn blue.

No, no, we Orkans hold our breath until we turn chartreuse,

just before we reach critical mass and explode,

you know, like Scanners?

Well, please don't explode.

I just vacuumed. Ar-ar.

Oh, Mork... Oh, ho, ho. Whoa, bang.

What are you so upset about?

All right.

Well, I met these two singers

named Rick and Ruby, and they drove all the way

out here from Akron.

And, Min, they got out here,

and the guy that hired them fired them

just because Ruby's rabbit died seven months ago.

What?

Wait a minute.

They fired her because she's pregnant?

Really? Who'd do such an insensitive,

sexist thing like that?

Remo. Oh.

That explains it.

Since when has Remo had entertainment

at the restaurant?

I don't know, Min.

He... I guess he wants to try

and improve business somehow.

And then they came and he fired them.

And now they... They don't have any money,

they don't have any place to live, no place to go, Mind.

You mean they're stranded?

Oh, yes. Oh, God.

No wonder you're so upset.

That makes me mad.

I mean, so what if she's pregnant?

If a woman can work,

she should be allowed to work.

Mind, you wouldn't turn someone like that out on the street,

would you, Mind? Of course not.

What? No way would I turn them out.

She says it's okay! Come on in!

Mind, meet Rick and Ruby.

Hi.

We're sure glad you're takin' us in.

Really nice of you.

I mean, we're total strangers

and everything.

For all you knew, we could have been

a couple of real ding-dongs.

I guess I just lucked out.

Or even worse, we could have been robbers

or ax murderers

or game-show hosts or something.

Tell you the truth, we're not really

all that trustworthy,

even, ourselves.

W-we're not sure this baby is mine.

Ricky, could you give me

a little hand with this do you think?

Oh, sure, honey. It's so heavy.

Whew.

Thanks a million.

Hey, anytime, sweetheart.

Why don't we go take a nap?

I'm beat.

Oh, let me show you to your room.

This way, please.

Oh, pardon me, pardon me.

It's right in there.

Mork!

That's my bedroom.

I know, Min,

but they both can't sleep on the couch.

Ruby will sleep on the couch, and you and Rick...

Right through there.

Oh, thank you.

Well, don't you worry. The next three months

are just gonna fly right by.

Ar-ar-ar-ar.

Three months?

It's gonna be so much fun, you know.

Sharing beauty hints and stuff.

I just think it's so great to live in a country

where you can actually have hair like this

and still be allowed to reproduce.

And I'm telling you

that not hiring Ruby because she's pregnant

is sexist.

And I'm telling you, the only reason you're saying that

is because you're a woman.

That remark is sexist.

I'm not a sexist.

I'm a man.

Jeanie, get over here.

Get some water on table eight, would you?

Go stuff your manicotti.

Even she's down on me.

I don't know what's goin' on here.

Look, my dad taught me

that pregnant women

should be taken care of.

They shouldn't work.

I respect women.

Well, if you respect women so much,

why don't you let Ruby make the choice?

I'm telling you, Remo, you are a real chauvinist.

Yeah, Remo, you're a real chauvinist.

What do we mean by that, Min?

Well, in Remo's case, it's a general attitude

that women are inferior.

Yeah.

Well, they aren't.

Oh, I know that, Min, I mean,

they sew better, they cook better,

they clean better.

I'll talk to you about this later.

You know, Remo's always been like this.

Whenever we played king of the hill,

he was always the king.

I was always the hill.

Sexist.

Mind, I think I understand what's going on.

One second.

Now, Remo,

now, imagine the worst thing

that could possibly happen. Let's say you hire Ruby,

and the little lady's up there singing onstage,

and all of a sudden she hits a high note

and we all realize that she's not singing.

And that couldn't happen because she's only 7 months pregnant.

Yeah. And even if she does give birth onstage,

do you realize people would pay to come and see her do that?

Mork, listen,

I don't think pregnant women should work.

That's the way I feel about it,

I'm the one that has to live with it

and that is that.

Oh, "that is that."

That's it.

Well, Remo, I'm sure there are

a lot of women's groups around Boulder

who'd love to hear about the way you feel.

I'm gonna make a few phone calls.

I'll just bet you'll have a picket line outside.

Fine. That's your right.

Just make sure none of 'em are pregnant.

Min, what a chauvinist thing to say!

Yeah.

I'll get a couple of men's groups together

and we'll be out there tomorrow morning with you.

Well, you can cheer us on from the sidelines

and keep us supplied with coffee

and those little sissy sandwiches.

Don't eat at DaVinci's!

Don't eat at DaVinci's!

I don't believe this.

They got half the town out here.

Even Thelma Jenkins.

I got a date with her tonight.

Oh, great.

Dinner and a cold shower again.

You want to get rid of the pickets?

You hire Rick and Ruby.

I'm not gonna hire a helpless, pregnant woman.

I'm standing on principle here.

Remo, you're 27 years old.

Why start now?

Don't eat at DaVinci's.

Don't... Whew! Lunch break.

Boy, am I hungry.

I'd like three burritos and lots of ice cream.

Well, at least we have one customer.

Jeanie, would you...?

Oops, sorry,

but I'm on my lunch break too.

I'll see you in an hour.

Don't eat at DaVinci's.

Don't eat at DaVinci's.

My own sister?

You know, I could be mad at that Mindy.

Oh, why? She's just doing what she thinks is right.

Ah.

And here comes the cause of my problem.

What are you doing on your feet walking around?

Will you sit down?

Ha!

Mork, what are you doing?

We're picketing this place so people don't eat here.

You crossed the picket line.

If you had made sandwiches,

I wouldn't be so fammed-out right now, for sure.

I'm pretty hungry too.

I'll have whatever he's having, okay?

I'm sorry. We're all out of burritos and ice cream.

Rats.

I don't believe this.

I don't believe it.

Why don't we invite

the whole picket line in here?

Okay,

but everybody's gonna have to go Dutch.

Mindy, come on.

Let's get together on this thing, huh?

All right.

Mork, you've heard their side, but you haven't heard mine.

Try and be objective, all right?

Kay-o. Thanks.

By the way, where's Rick?

He's home asleep.

He said this whole thing was my fault,

so I should be the one to picket.

Sounds fair to me.

No, it doesn't! None of this is fair!

Mindy, besides my feelings,

this is a business.

No one's gonna pay good money

to see someone in her condition sing.

He's got a point, Min.

No, he doesn't.

Her condition has nothing to do

with her ability to sing!

She's got a point, Remo.

Mork, I mean,

besides risking

losing my customers,

I have to pay them a salary.

If Mindy were in my place, she wouldn't do it.

Min, would you pay them a salary? Of course.

She said she'd pay them a salary, Remo.

She's on.

What? Hm.

Hey, wait a minute, I didn't say...

Oh, now, Min, I knew you'd do the right thing.

You're always the right side. No, wait...

Thanks a lot, Mindy.

We could really use the money.

Hold it. What I meant...

Min, Min, Min, Min, you're not going back on your word?

You're not gonna be a shiksa giver, are you?

No. No.

Okay, okay, I'll make a deal with you, Remo.

If they chase away customers, I'll pay their salary,

and if they don't, you pay it.

Okay. Okay.

You got it. Yeah.

That's it. Not that big a deal.

No. After all, this isn't Vegas.

I mean, how much could it be?

Yeah, much do they make, Remo?

Five hundred a week.

Five...

Five hundred...

So? It's okay.

It's all right, Remo,

because in the end,

talent will out.

I want to talk to you about that talent.

Do you know the name

of their group?

No.

Ask her.

Ruby,

what do you call your group?

The Stupids.

The what?

The Stupids.

See...

See, what we do is we get up onstage

and we act, like, real dumb.

It's real hard, too.

If you think that being stupid is easy,

you really ought to try it sometime.

Besides being stupid, what else do you do?

We... sing songs

that no one wants to hear.

Well, don't most performers

sing songs that people want to hear?

Well, yeah.

They do if they're smart.

But we're The Stupids, see?

Why aren't Rick and Ruby on the stage?

Well, I think they're in the kitchen changing, Min.

You're not gonna believe this.

Rick and Ruby are back there arm-wrestling.

Oh, no. Arm-wrestling?

That's unfair. It's two against one.

Well, they got into an argument over what to call the baby

and the winner gets to pick the name.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Let me tell you something, baby,

you may be strong, but I got it up here.

God, what are all these people doing here?

I don't know.

The food must be pretty good, huh?

Let me tell you something else,

no matter how many times you pin me,

we're not gonna name the baby "Trigger."

It's a good name.

It works for either a boy or a girl.

Listen, if you guys are late one more time,

I'm taking the station wagon and going back to Akron.

Now, do you want me to introduce you or not?

Of course, Raoul.

He thinks we're stupid or something.

Okay.

Is it okay if we play a little flamingo guitar?

Ladies and gentlemen, The Stupids.

The name was their idea.

Okay.

One, two, three...

Wait. I have an idea.

Why don't we just sort of take a vote

and let these people decide what to name the baby?

No way, José. We're in Colorado.

These people will go for "Trigger."

Excuse me,

but I'm not paying you to bicker.

In fact, I may not be the one

that pays you at all.

Just sing.

God, we don't tell him

how to run his restaurant.

Okay,

one, two, three...

I really am sorry, you know.

My mind just keeps wandering

and that's not so bad

but then it comes back again.

I'm sort of stuck with it.

One, two, three, four.

♪ When you were A young boy ♪

♪ Did you have a puppy ♪

♪ That always followed You around ♪

♪ Doot do-doot Doot doot do-doot ♪

♪ Well I'm gonna be ♪

♪ As faithful as a puppy ♪

♪ I'm never gonna ♪

♪ Let you down ♪

♪ 'Cause it gets stronger ♪

♪ Like a river flows ♪

♪ It gets bigger baby ♪

♪ And heaven knows ♪

♪ Ooh I love you ♪

♪ My oh my ♪

♪ River deep ♪

♪ Mountain high ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ If I lost you ♪

♪ Would I cry ♪

♪ Oh I love you baby ♪

♪ Baby baby baby ♪

♪ I love you baby ♪

♪ Like a robin ♪

♪ Loves to sing ♪

♪ I love you baby ♪

♪ Like the flowers ♪

♪ Of the spring ♪

♪ I love you baby ♪

♪ Like a school boy ♪

♪ Loves his pet ♪

♪ I love you baby ♪

♪ River deep ♪

♪ Mountain high ♪

♪ Ooh I love you ♪

♪ My oh my ♪

♪ River deep ♪

♪ Mountain high ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ If I lost you ♪

♪ Would I cry ♪

♪ Ooh I love you baby ♪

♪ Baby baby baby ♪

That was terrific.

That was just great.

I-I-I gotta admit it. I was wrong.

Thanks a lot, Remo.

I have a small announcement.

I'm having a baby.

Ruby, these people may be hicks,

but even they can see you're gonna have a baby.

No, no, you don't understand.

I'm having a baby...

now.

Now? Sorry.

Oh...

Just my luck.

My first full house,

and it's two-cent beer night.

I got a lead singer

doggin' it in the hospital

with a little bundle of bliss

named "Trigger."

I don't think spending the day in the hospital

because you've had a baby

is exactly "dogging it."

Well, she lied to me.

Told me she was seven months pregnant,

turns out she's nine months.

She started counting when she found out she was pregnant.

Anyone could make that mistake.

I don't know whose fault it is.

I just know I need a singer.

Well, I can do it. I sing all the time in the shower.

Even upside down.

Thanks a lot, Mork, but I need more than a singer

who performs in the shower.

I even sing in the bathtub,

but it sounds different. It's more like:

Wait a minute,

what's wrong with us?

Ruby can't perform.

Well, so, what?

I sing. Raoul sings.

I don't know.

She's the only one I ever heard sing.

I can sing. I wanna be a big star.

Fats Domino move over.

All I need is six guys to help me move Fats over.

Mork, let me handle this.

Now, Ruby's a pretty lady

and a wonderful singer,

but let's get something straight.

I'm the talent of the group.

So just introduce us, okay?

I don't know if I trust a guy

who plays a pink guitar

with a beak.

Might as well introduce him,

you don't have any other choice.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's that wonderful group

you've been waiting for:

The Stupid.

♪ Wee ooh ♪

♪ Wee ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Wah ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Sure leaves you wanting more, doesn't it?

I thought you said you could sing!

Well, I am singing. I'm going, uh...

♪ Wee ooh ♪

Shouldn't there be something between "wee ooh"

and "wee ooh?"

Well, yeah, but that's Ruby's part.

But she just had a baby. What are you, stupid?

I knew this wasn't gonna work.

Folks, uh...

We don't have a lead singer,

so maybe we ought to just close up for tonight, huh?

Wait, I-I could sing! I could sing Mr. DaVinci,

let me try, please.

You have never sung in front of an audience before.

What do you call a rubber duck and a washcloth?

Chopped liver? Now, come on!

I don't know about this.

I'm not used to working with amateurs.

I don't know about it either,

but your "doo wahs" ain't sellin' diddly.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I'm not responsible for this.

Hi. How are you?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Nice to be here. Where you from?

What do I do?

Hey, for you, sweetheart.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Thank you very much.

I'd like to sing something very special

in the key of X, boys.

Let's play that funky music,

white boy.

And a-one, and a-two,

and a-three.

Well, all right.

Well, all right!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm really sorry. I don't know the words to that one.

What song do you know?

Well, I mean, all the way through?

Yeah, that'd be nice, then we could all finish together.

Well, um...

Well, I-I-I know this one.

Uh, well, "This Heart Is Closed For Alterations?"

Wow! I can't believe it.

That's our theme song!

Whoo!

Here's Ruby's hat.

Ruby's hat. Thank you.

Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen. Privilege to be here once again.

Thank y'all, thank y'all.

♪ This heart is closed ♪

♪ For alterations ♪

♪ And the management ♪

♪ Extends apologies ♪

♪ I'm sorry if ♪

♪ I've inconvenienced you ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ I'll make it right ♪

♪ Before I'm through ♪

♪ But for a little while ♪

♪ Just bear with me ♪

♪ This heart is closed ♪

♪ For alterations ♪

♪ So please excuse ♪

♪ The rubble and debris ♪

♪ You see I've reached ♪

♪ A few decisions ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ And made a few revisions ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ I think will make ♪

♪ A new man out of me ♪

Giz bum vasa do lum ♪

♪ Rizbat key beba she buz Batee nemem ♪

♪ Nimrot va sooveedem namur ♪

♪ Ruz be devish mim ♪

♪ Ruz bah deevem bum badeem ♪

♪ Azo nomum ♪

♪ I see that I've been ♪

♪ Takin' out on you ♪

♪ The changes that ♪

♪ She put me through ♪

♪ You're gonna see ♪

♪ Some changes ♪

♪ Made of me ♪

♪ This heart is closed ♪

♪ This heart is closed ♪

♪ For alterations ♪

♪ This heart is closed ♪

♪ This heart is closed ♪

♪ For alterations ♪

Thank y'all. Thank you.

Thank y'all.

Bless you. Bless you.

Mork, I never dreamed

that you knew how to sing like that.

I can't believe you got in front

of all these people you never met before

and cool as a cucumber, just sang your heart out.

Talk about your nerves of steel.

Oh, thanks, Mind, I'm glad we finally understood each other.

Mind, I have a little question I'd like to ask you.

Min, what's it mean when your legs get kind of weak

and you feel queasy and you kind of black out?

It sounds like you're gonna faint.

Oh, good,

'cause I thought I was gonna have a baby.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, your big daddy-ship.

I hear you, Mork.

Why the cigar?

Well, sir, I have reason to be proud, your stogieness.

This week, I helped an Earthling get a job.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Ha-ha-ha.

Congrats and hazzam, Mork.

Oh, thank you, sir. I'm especially proud, sir.

This earthling was being discriminated against.

She was, as they say on Ork,

"with test tube."

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Earth pregnancy. Mm-hm.

You explained it to me once.

Yeah, sir, it starts off with the birds and the bees

and ends up with pickles and ice cream.

One moment, Mork, Sir.

Are you saying Earthlings can't work

in that enlarged condition?

No, of course they can, sir.

It never stopped you.

I wouldn't know.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, come on, now, sir. Come on, now.

You could be about to hatch an entire village.

Ar-ar-ar!

Get on with it, Mork!

Yes, indeedy-do-da.

Basically sir, I realized the expectant mother

knows what's best for her.

Sounds reasonable.

It is her pregnancy.

Ah, you won the magic prize,

your perceptive pudginess.

Most Earthlings think this is the end of a woman's career,

when, actually, it's just a pregnant pause.

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.

Say good night, Bebo.

That's close.