Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no.

Hey, come on, honey. Your plane leaves in an hour.

All set.

Except for Mork.

I wonder why he ran out at the last minute.

Oh, honey, uh, Mork wouldn't miss seeing you off.

After all, going to Topeka is a big deal.

Yeah. Yeah, covering the Winter Week conference

is a big deal.

Who's gonna pick you up at the airport, a chartered tractor?

No.

No, it's important, Dad.

Because Mr. Sternhagen at the station

said if I do good on this assignment,

he might give me a bigger one.

Like City Hall, congressional scandals.

Maybe even the Summer Week convention.

Mind. Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind. Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind.

Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind... Oh, Pop. Pop.

Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind, Mind. Pop, pop. Pop, pop, Mind, Mind.

♪ Mmm, Mind-Mind Pop-Pop, mmm, Mind-Mind ♪

I bought you this wonderful gift.

Since you're going to Kansas,

I got a flea collar for Toto.

Don't be afraid.

There's no place like that.

You're right.

Oh, Mork, thank you. I'll pass it along.

Okay, honey, I'll go, eh, warm up the car.

The best way to do that

is to blow in its carburetor and say that you love it.

I'll do that, but I'll hate myself in the morning.

Okay, Mork, now, I want you to pay close attention.

We've got a lot of things to cover

if you're gonna manage by yourself.

Ho-ho. Come on, now, Mind.

Scoff, scoff. Derisive laughter. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Manage by myself? Do you know who you're talking to?

Yes. Oh.

This is the can opener. Can opener.

This is the coffee pot. Coffee pot.

And remember what I told you about the blender?

Turn it off. Don't just stand there waiting for it to flush.

Right.

And remember the most important part.

You turn it off from the outside.

Oh. I wonder why my fingernails were getting shorter.

Oh. Well, I gotta run.

I'm gonna miss you, Mork.

Well, you can't miss, Mindy, if you aim right here.

Ha-ha. Mmm.

Well, you have a good time,

and I'll see you when I get back on Monday.

Oh, you have a good time too, Mind.

And don't you worry about me.

I'm a superior being

and I can handle everything. That's right. Okay.

Arrivederci. Bye.

Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. Do svidaniya.

Later, mama.

♪ Alone again ♪

♪ Can't you see I'm alone again? ♪

Well... Heh-heh-heh!

Yes.

Ooh. Hey, hey, hey. Heh-heh.

Ar-ar.

Well, I guess I'll just have to peel it and eat it raw.

Oh. I've gotta stop thinking about her.

No. I've gotta stop thinking about her.

No!

Oh. She's not even thinking of me.

Lord, she got my psychic telegram.

Oh, my darling! My darling... Oh, what a disappointment.

You're no aurora borealis yourself. I came up to tell you

I got a call from our landlord, Mr. Klevins.

He's coming around later

to install smoke alarms in all the apartments.

Oh, no more smoke? There goes my chat with Chief White Eagle.

What?

You'd better get this place cleaned up.

This Klevins is a real creep.

He's bounced tenants for having crooked doormats.

You really miss Mindy, don't you?

Oh, no way.

Well, where did you get all the pictures, Shiksa-mat?

What?

Listen, maybe it'd help to get your mind off Mindy

if you go out with some of your friends.

How about the two of us go out and paint the town pink, huh?

I'm sorry, Mork, I can't.

Why not?

Because it sounds like a drag.

And I thought he didn't like me.

Hear that, Mind?

They're playing our song, darling.

You know, I... I love it when you wear that perfume:

Janitor in a Drum.

You can cure that with some fabric softener, you know that?

Wait a minute. Wait. ♪ To have my arms... ♪

Oh, no.

That can only mean one thing. Oh, he's here.

It's him. It's the Orkan elder. What do you mean, "No"?

It's the ancient one, the wisest of the wise. Stop it, it's him.

Oh, no. Quick. Down upon your knees.

Nice touch.

Oh!

Rise, Mork. Oh, sir.

Don't be so formal, Mork.

You know my name is Pbbbt.

I came because it's my birthday.

Oh, sir. Happy birthday.

Pbbbt. Pbbbt. Pbbbt. Birthday.

Very touching.

Hard to keep a dry eye.

I just wish the Orkan aging process wasn't reversed.

It seems like every day I look in the mirror,

I get a little bit cuter.

Where does the time go?

Probably the same place that socks go

when you lose them in the dryer.

Well, how old are you today, sir?

In Earth years, 87.

You know, that's amazing. If you were a dog, you'd be 14.

I decided to treat myself and drop in to see you

and especially the soft-lapped one.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry about that, sir, but she's out of town.

Aw, shazbot. Sir.

I'm sorry I missed her.

They don't make laps like hers on Ork.

Well, I probably could entertain you

in the traditional Orkan fashion,

if you wish to come with me.

Oh, Orkan checkers. You go first, Mork.

Oh, thank you, sir, for the privilege.

Check.

Checkmate.

And I never even saw it coming.

Oh, that's why you're the elder, sir. Oh, boy.

You know, I kept thinking about the two of you down here,

especially Mindy.

She's different from us.

I, uh... I know, sir.

You know, sir, the last time you were here,

you said you could build a Mindy.

Can you?

I suppose I could.

I've got my genetic tool kit in the egg.

What would you do with the one I build you

when the real Mindy gets back?

I could sell her to the Osmonds in case Marie gets trampled

at a family reunion.

Sir, are you sure you only need one hair?

You'll have to make her head awfully small for this to fit.

Of course. Didn't you learn anything

in your Cloning class on Ork?

I had to substitute Basket Weaving for Cloning.

I was on an athletic scholarship.

Now I need some information on Mindy's character traits.

Oh, that's very easy, sir. She talks like this:

Hello. My name is Mindy, I'm a Capricorn.

I like fuzzy things, happy people,

solar energy and whistling at construction workers.

Um, turnoffs are gas-guzzling cars,

cancer-causing agents, nuclear power plants

and bathroom poetry.

If I wasn't so modest, I'd say I was adorable.

Excellent. Now, hand me the copovia clamp

so I can adjust her IQ.

Oh, yes, sir.

Remember that she's quite intelligent.

She has a college degree, and she knows about everything.

Watering plants, driving a Jeep.

She can even tie her shoelace without looking down.

She's almost done. Oh. Oh, sir.

Please remember she was wearing a... A pink sweater and jeans,

and remember to put her nose right between her eyes.

Sir. Uh-oh, sir.

Sir. She... She's ready, sir.

Okay, okay.

I may be old, but I'm not deaf.

Oh, sir.

Oh, sir.

Sir, it worked. It's an exact duplicate.

Of course. Talk to her.

- Hi, Mind. Big kiss. - If you think

I'm going to flex my orbicular muscle to osculate,

you're sadly mistaken.

What'd she say?

No. Oh.

This idle discourse fatigues me.

Mind, come on, remember? It's me, your cute little Morky.

Enough of this childish drivel.

I need mental stimulation.

Don't you have any books to read?

No, I have some to color.

Oh, never mind. I'll write my own.

But...

Min...

Call me when you've evolved.

Um, sir, I... I think you made her a little too intelligent.

What happened?

Well, sir, uh, meaning no disrespect,

but I think you really orked up.

Beg your pardon, sir, but what was wrong with Mindy's clone?

If we were gonna have a battle of wits,

I'd be an unarmed man.

These Earthlings must be more complex than I thought.

Oh, sir. Don't give up, please.

Try again. I mean, I'm real lonely.

Remember, sir. I mean, she... She's more the outdoor type.

She's energetic and athletic,

and she's not a spectator, she's a doer.

This one will be right.

An elder never fails... twice.

Oh, bless you, sir, bless you. May your shoes always be loose.

Oh.

Tingling sense of anticipation.

Oh.

Sir, sir.

It's happening again, sir.

Ha! I think we got a hot one, sir.

H-hi, Mind. Big kiss.

Not now. I'm in training.

That's real athletic and energetic, sir. Thank you.

But, uh, how do you turn her off, though, sir?

The deactivating button is on her foot.

Oh, no. I'm not going near her without a whip and a chair.

Come on. Come on. Two out of three, two out of three.

Come on, come on. Hi, nice to meet you, Mindy...

Mindy. Mindy. Ungh! Argh!

Aunt. Aunt... Oh, uncle. Uncle.

End of round one. Neutral corners.

Wahhh.

Sir, could you make the next one a little more loving, please?

One less turn on the butch bolt?

I'll get it.

Oh, no, no, no.

I hope it's Gore Vidal

come to borrow a cup of aphorisms.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We can't let anybody see you.

I opt to remain.

I feel the need for social discourse

on a much higher level.

You have proved to me that Darwin was wrong.

Uh, pardon me,

perhaps we could find a harmonious resolution,

um, by a conflict of intellects, i.e. a battle of wits,

whereby the loser must forfeit an article of clothing

and reveal a layer of epidermis.

Ahhh.

A strip debate. Ah, yes. If you catch my drift.

Very well.

Let's discuss the Cartesian dictum,

"I think, therefore, I am,"

and how it relates to Kierkegaard's observation

that a relation which relates itself to its own self

must have been created by itself or created by another.

Oh, fascinating. Whoosh!

But, however, possession of extraneous literature

constitutes a foul.

Therefore, please remit to me your left pedal extremity.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Sorry, Mind.

I'd have a very hard time explaining you,

and you would have a very hard time explaining you.

Oop. Sorry.

Who is it? MAN: It's me,

Al Klevins, the landlord.

I'll be right there, Mr. Klevins.

Oh, I have to tidy up.

Hello. Hi, you must be the creep.

Creep? I don't know you, and already I'm not liking you.

Where's my tenant Mindy McConnell?

Oh, she's in Kansas looking for a small dog

at a midget convention. Ar-ar!

Who are you? Oh, I'm Mork,

the man who lights up her life.

This place is a mess.

I don't see how you could tell with all this junk lying around.

I have no time for this chitchat.

I gotta install this smoke alarm

so that people like you won't light up my life.

I'll put it here in the bedroom over there.

Oh, if you ever hear this...

put out the fire, then leave.

Whew. Oh, man.

Round two.

That... That... That was a buzzer, not a bell.

I'm gonna squeeze you like a tube of anchovy paste.

No, no, no!

You'll never take me alive.

Sorry about that, Mind.

Oh, boy. I've got them comin' and goin' here.

Hold on a second.

What are you doing, Rockette kicks?

Is it time for a little yoga?

Whew. Ooh.

We should get a deposit on all these empties.

Well, hi there, hot stuff.

Big kiss.

Mmmmm.

Wha...? Huh!

Listen, I asked for somebody warm, not a human hickey maker.

You're cute.

Today, boy.

Tonight, man.

Listen, I'm a very kind, innocent...

Innocent little alien.

Ooh.

I'm not.

Oh, listen, please. I-I wanna wear white at my wedding.

Ooh. Oh.

Why don't I slip into somethin' more comfortable,

like skin?

No, no, no, no, no. You... You... You can't go in there.

Oh, try to stop me, blue eyes.

Oh. Oh!

Ooh! Ooh!

By tonight, my darling,

you'll be needing a lip retread.

I'm going to drive you to China for Jewish food. Oh!

I'm startin' to get to you, huh?

Quick, fondle me with your eyes.

Tell you what. Better than that,

let's sip champagne from your slipper,

eh, ma petite?

All right, my scruffy rogue, but find it first.

Oh, I'll find it for you.

Ohhh, bingo.

Oh. Eee!

I will sip from no slipper before its time.

Oh, let's make it a double.

Phew. At least I found her turnoff.

Up you go, my l...

Oh, oh.

Make room for one more.

Oh, boy, you're stacking up like cordwood in here.

Hey, you.

Hello.

What are you doing? Oh, just tidying up.

I saw what you did.

You put a person in there.

I-in fact, it looks like Miss McConnell.

It's Ms. McConnell to you.

I-I'm gonna call the police. I-I'm g-gonna call the police.

It's just an ostrich. Please.

You're a murderer. That's what you are.

No. No, please. You don't understand. No, please.

Hello? Hello, operator?

Get me the police. I want to report a murder.

No, no, sir. No... Hi, Mork.

Never mind. It's not as important as I thought.

Miss McConnell. You're alive.

Well, thank you. So are you.

What's going on here?

Yeah, but y-you can't be here.

I just saw him stuff your body into that closet.

Here, I'll show you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no!

It's an ostrich convention here. You don't wanna disturb them.

Look, I saw you put someone in there,

and I'm gonna find out what's going on around here.

All right! All right, Mr. Smarty-pants,

you wanna know what's in there?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll show you what's in there.

I'm opening the door.

I'm reaching in.

It's just your typical mop with jeans and a sweater.

A perfectly logical explanation... sort of.

I'm getting outta here.

I-I-I can't... I'm getting outta here.

Maybe I'll move back to the Bronx,

where it's safe.

What is going on here?

Why does this mop have my picture on it?

Well, that's... That's kind of hard to explain, Mind.

I'll bet. What's really in the armoire?

Mind, you don't wanna...

Mork, where'd you get the dead Mindys?

They're not dead, Mind.

It's just my personal pile of perkiness.

Ar-ar-ar-ar!

Now, don't touch their feet, Mind. Touch their feet?

I don't even wanna touch the armoire.

What are they doing in there?

The elder made them.

The eld...? The elder's here?

Oh, he's upstairs right now, cranking out some more.

Oh, we gotta stop him.

Up above, s...

Sir. What's wrong?

I'm a failure, Mork.

An 87-year-old has-been.

I tried to recreate a Mindy. I really tried.

But all I could make were cheap imitations,

like this one.

Well, sir, this is her. This is the real McConnell.

Please, Mork. Please, Mork.

Don't humor me.

Suddenly I feel very old.

Awwww.

The soft-lapped one. It's really you.

Well, of course it's me.

Uh, welcome to Earth, uh... Ugh.

Um...

What are all those, eh, me's doing in the closet?

Oh, Mind, Mind, don't blame him.

I asked him to make them for me because I really missed you.

Well, I missed you too, Mork, but that's a little strange.

I mean, they look just like me.

That's just on the outside, not the part we really missed.

I've learned a valuable lesson:

Humans aren't toys to tinker with.

Seeing you again

is the best birthday present I could possibly have.

Oh, it's your birthday?

Oh, happy birthday.

If I were only 30 bleams younger,

I'd still be too old for you.

Well, uh, what about all the Mindys?

Oh, I'll take them back to Ork for scientific study.

You can keep the one upstairs.

Upstairs? You... You mean there's another one up in the attic?

Yes, except she didn't turn out exactly as I hoped.

Let me introduce you.

Oh, Mindy. Mindy!

Hi, Mork. Big kiss.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Your Jelly-bellyness.

You like that one, Beebs?

Does that tickle your fancy?

I got a million of them. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

And I've heard them all. Twice.

Get to your report, Mork.

Oh, yes, sir, Your Snippiness.

This week, sir, I've prepared a very special report for you.

I finally found out what distinguishes

one Earthling from another.

Funny. They all look alike to me.

Oh, that may be true, mein hippodrome.

But every person has something

that makes him unique and very, very special.

It's called a personality.

Could you show me one? Well, um, no, sir.

It's not something you could see or touch,

but it's something that reaches out and touches other people.

It's... It makes each one of them very, very, very different.

Isn't that inefficient? Oh, you bet, sir,

but that's what makes life on this planet so darn interesting.

You see, sir, thanks to personalities,

even the most identical twin is not the same.

Even the shortest person can stand out in a crowd.

They all may have the same number of chromosomes,

but each person has his own designer genes.

♪ Ooh, la-la, na-no ♪

♪ Ooh, la-la, na-no ♪

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.