Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no.

Well, I know he's a big star.

That's why I want to interview him for KTNS.

Oh, I have to go through his manager, Mr. Mora? I see.

Could you have Mr. Mora's secretary return my call

Okay. Very good. Thank you.

Boy, I wonder if Woodward and Bernstein

had this much trouble trying to get to Nixon.

How do you like these new threads, Min?

Aren't they incredible?

Do you think it's more Sears...

or GQ?

Well, what are you so dressed up for?

It's picture day at the day care center. How do I look?

Oh, you look real nice.

Don't forget to hold in your stomach.

What are you dressed up for, Min?

Oh, I've got a big interview today. How do I look?

Oh, real nice, but don't forget to hold in your thighs.

Who are you going to interviewing today?

Oh, Mork, I'm so excited.

Dewey Fishbeck, our feature writer,

is out with the mumps,

and Mr. Sternhagen, my boss, wants me to interview...

You'll never guess who.

Let me try. Um...

Rula Lenska.

No.

Menachem Begin.

No. Oh...

Give up?

N... Yeah, I don't know who it is. Who is it?

Who, who, who, Min? Who, who?

Robin Williams.

Who?

Robin Williams.

Oh.

What's so funny about that?

Does he really call himself Robin?

Well, yeah.

You know what Robin means on Ork?

No.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Don't look at me. I didn't give him that smutty name.

His parents must have had a sense of humor though, Min.

I can't believe you've never heard of him.

He's a comedian. He...

He's a star of TV, movies, and, uh, nightclubs.

In fact, he's in town doing a big solar energy benefit.

Well, I still don't know what the big deal is, Min.

Why do you want to talk to him?

Well, Mork, a lot of people on Earth are interested

to hear what stars have to say.

I'm waiting for his manager to call me back

to set up an appointment, right now.

You know, you look a little bit like him.

Me-o?

Yeah, you-o.

I'm gonna get his album and show you.

You won't believe this.

Yeah, you look a lot like him.

Come on, this guy's gonna drown

if he goes out in the rain.

Oh, come on, Min.

Scoff, scoff. April frinkles day.

Come on, Mork. You look exactly like him.

Oh, no. Come on now, Min, look at that, there.

Look at that.

I mean, it looks like he does his hair with a Cuisinart.

Man, he's got a road map for eyes.

You could pack a family in that nose, Min.

I mean, look at that mouth.

They had to air brush his entire face.

Are you kidding?

Min, listen, I'm... I'm bright and cheery.

This guy's got big problems.

Where is the interview with Robin Williams?

Well, I've been having a little trouble with that.

He won't return any of my calls.

I mean, how do you reach someone who's inaccessible?

Inaccessible?

Last night, Mr. Williams

dropped in to the Comedy Cabaret

and performed for nothing.

How was I supposed to know?

Even I knew about it.

I heard it from Armando.

Who's Armando?

The fellow fumigating my office.

He got to see one of Robin Williams' shows?

No. Mr. Williams mentioned it

to Armando today over lunch.

Robin introduced himself to everyone

at DaVinci's restaurant.

He was at Remo and Jeannie's restaurant?

Oh, friends of yours?

Not anymore.

Okay, I'll get that interview somehow.

You can count on me.

Good. The owner of the station

is putting pressure on me,

and you know how I handle pressure.

Hey, Mindy, done with this?

No.

Oops.

Jeannie, I'm mad at you.

At me? Why? What did I do?

You know I've been trying

to interview Robin Williams.

He was here yesterday,

and you didn't even call me.

Oh, no. Oh, Mindy, I am really sor...

It was crazy in here. It was... Oh, I am sorry.

Would you forgive me?

Oh, all right.

Hi, scouts. What's going on?

The place is so crowded I had to park in the back.

Yeah, me too.

Robin Williams came in here for lunch yesterday.

Everybody's waiting for him to come back.

How tacky.

Mindy, what are you doing here?

Tackily waiting for him to come back.

Jeannie, come on, we have a lot of customers.

I know. This is a new experience for me.

Mindy McConnell, I'm ashamed of you...

Hanging around here like some kind of groupie.

Now, that hurts, Nelson.

No, I'm supposed to interview Robin for the station.

It seems like everybody in town has met him except me.

Well, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

Hey, guys, you seen these polaroids

I have of me and Robin Williams?

That's us. Huh?

There's Robin and Jeannie.

There's Robin and Armando...

You know, the bug guy?

Good picture.

The bug man gets to meet Robin Williams.

I should have taken fumigation in college.

Excuse me, I have to go.

I'm getting a headache.

Boy, is she upset.

Yeah. Look at this one.

A picture of Robin autographing the chopped liver

with his finger.

I'm having this one perma-plaqued.

Good penmanship.

Look, he made a happy face in the O.

Excuse me.

For the owner of the car with New Mexico license plate,

will you please claim your car

at the bottom of the hill.

You forgot to set your hand brake.

Look, everyone, it's Robin!

My name is Mork.

Watch your language.

So, that's Robin Williams, huh?

You know, you're going to think I'm crazy,

but he looks a little like Mork.

You're right. I think you're crazy.

Oh, look, they caught him.

No big deal. With the money he makes,

he can afford new clothes.

They really shouldn't toss him up in the air like that.

Whoa.

Well, tell Mr. Williams that Barbara Walters called,

and when he calls back,

he should ask for my secretary Mindy.

Thank you.

Oh. Come on in, Mr. Sternhagen.

Thank you.

Where'd she go?

Mr. Sternhagen, did you just come from lunch?

Y-yes.

And I know... I know you can't tell,

but I had, uh, two or three, uh...

Little... Little drinks.

A-And do you... Do you know why... Why?

Why?

I knew I was in trouble when Mrs. Ovitz,

the woman who owns the st...

Owns the station, uh, plied me with...

with drink... at lunch time.

She said if we don't get the interview, I'm...

out.

And if I'm out...

♪ Guess who's going with me? ♪

Me.

Nope.

You.

Mr. Sternhagen, I have tried everything.

I tried lying. That's good.

And I tried bribery.

Oh, that's real good.

I even tried to buy tickets to his concert,

so I could sneak backstage to meet him

but they're sold out.

Well, you're in a pred...

You're...

You're in a pred...

You're up a creek, kiddo.

Th-the same thing happened to me, uh,

in New York when I...

When I was big in the network.

The president said I... I had to deliver someone,

or I was ou...

I was out.

Well, what did you do?

Does this look like New York to you?

Well... I got...

I-I-I got to get go...

I-I better go...

Oh.

I'm... I'm going to leave now.

Oh...

Um, Mr. Sternhagen...

Yes?

Did you drive?

Oh, yes, that's my little beauty

parked out there in your hedge.

Well, I don't think you should drive.

I think you should take a little nap.

I... I can do that while I'm driving.

No. Why don't you come with me?

I think you should go right in there.

Well, wi... Will you please fix me some cookies and...

And warm bourbon?

Don't panic.

I'm not panicking.

Well, you have no reason to panic, Min!

They're not after you.

Who's after you, and why?

The entire town, Min, they know I'm an alien!

They chased me. They tore my clothes.

They pursued me with fountain pens.

Just because I'm different

doesn't make me a bad guy, does it Min?

I say my prayers, I pet my vegetables,

I put my pants on like everybody else...

head first.

Mork, how could they find out you're an alien?

Uh... I don't know, I don't know,

but they called me filthy names.

Did they call you Robin?

That's disgusting.

Mork, they think you're Robin Williams.

Who?

Robin Williams.

The guy who looks like you.

Oh, you mean that bozo on the album?

Yeah.

Oh, no, Min, I don't look anything like him.

They know I'm an alien. They're on to me.

And if they catch me, they're gonna tar and feather me

and put me on That's Incredible!

Mork, it's okay.

I'm telling you, they think you're Robin Williams.

Min, assuming you're right...

Which I think you're off base...

You're, in left field going, "Where am I?"

Would they tear Robin Williams' clothes off?

Yes.

But you told me they liked him.

Well, they do.

That's why they want his clothes.

If they didn't like him, boy, he'd be in real trouble.

He'd be jacked up on four blocks

with nothing left but his kneecaps.

Well, it's not quite like that either.

Listen, why don't you come with me tonight.

And you'll see how much you look like him.

I've got to go down to the auditorium

and try and interview him.

It's my last shot.

What are you going to do, Min?

Oh, hang around the stage door till he shows up.

Like some groupie?

Exactly.

I'll go with you as your escort, but...

I've got to get a disguise. I tell you, they're on to me.

They know I'm an alien.

Mork, I wish you'd take off

the silly-looking glasses.

It's a perfect disguise, Min.

Everyone thinks I'm from L.A.

Watch this,

Excuse me, sir, I just want you to know

that no aliens from outer space in this area.

Mork. Min.

Your disguise is starting

to attract attention.

You'd be much less conspicuous

if you'd take off the nose,

pull down your hat, and turn up your collar.

Trust me. Min.

Trust me. But, Min.

Do you trust me?

Oh, Min, uh...

All right.

For you.

Look, it's him, Robin Williams

No, no.

Okay, stop it! Step back! Break it up!

Right this way, Mr. Williams. Thank you.

Wait. I'm with him.

Is she with you, sir?

Oh. Trust me, Min.

I've never seen this woman in my life.

What?

Just kidding, officer.

It's actually my brother.

He... He likes to dress up a little bit.

Come along, Roland.

Here's your dressing room, Mr. Williams.

If there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

Yeah, a new pair of retinas would be very nice, please.

Hard to believe you get paid for that.

Wow. Do you believe it, Mork?

We're in Robin William" dressing room.

Yeah. And we're about to meet him.

I don't know what the big deal is all about, Min.

Are you kidding, Mork?

People stand in line for hours

just to glimpse a star, let alone meet one,

and we're about to meet a big star.

Oh, poor little star-struck Min.

Now, calm that perky little heart of yours.

Don't you understand that a star's just a big ball

of glowing hot gas.

He's just an ordinary human

who's been hyped by an advertising campaign.

Personally, I'd rather be at home, flossing my ears.

Hello.

You know, you look a lot like...

No, he's a woman now.

Excuse me, Mr. Williams, uh,

but I have a big, big favor of... To ask of you.

I know you don't know me and I don't want to impose,

but I'm supposed to get an interview with you for KTNS,

and if I don't, I'll be fired.

Yeah. This has been a bad year for her.

She bet on Carter, Roberto Duran,

and she bought Chrysler stock, too.

Well, I got a minute,

my manager's not here,

and sure, why not?

Oh, thank you.

I can't believe it.

Oh, thank you.

You're doing me such a big favor.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Oh, um, this is my friend Mork.

Oh, hello. Na-no.

And I'm Mindy McConnell.

You're not from the Enquirer, are you?

Pardon me? Oh, a little joke.

Oh. Ha. No.

Um, boy, you sure are a hard man to get in touch with.

You have tighter security than the pope.

She couldn't get past your manager's secretary's

secretary's, secretary's answering machine.

Mork, would you please...

Sorry, Min.

Um, I-I know you've probably been asked

this question a lot,

but, uh, what's it like to be a celebrity?

Well, not bad, really.

It's nice when you can get into restaurants,

those really chichi places

where they wouldn't let you wash the floors before.

I have a question right now.

A little fashion byline.

Why do you wear baggy pants?

I don't want a visible panty line.

There's your headline, right there, Min.

"Robin Williams... Kinky."

Why do you wear them?

Oh, that's where I keep my bees.

Shh.

Do you Mind?

Back off, back off, yeah.

Mr. Williams,

I don't know how you keep up the pace.

I-I-I mean, you arrive from Hawaii, fly all night,

and then go straight to the university

and lecture for three hours.

Oh, that was a fluke.

You see, the pilot of my flight I was on

has a daughter who attends Drama class here and...

He asked if I'd talk to her class to return his favor.

And what was the favor?

He said if I'd lecture, he'd pull out of the dive.

Interesting concept, Min...

Blackmailed by gravity.

Write that down. That's news.

But then after the lecture,

you performed until 3:00 a.m.

at the Comedy Cabaret,

and now you're doing two shows tonight.

Well, two reasons:

see I'm a performing addict,

I can't get enough of it and also,

the owner of the Comedy Cabaret

is a friend of a cousin, of a friend of a so on...

Well, I couldn't say no.

Gee, that's a great angle for my story.

"Robin Williams, the comedian who can't say no."

Excuse me. My dinner flew away.

Do you mind if I have some of your star munchies?

Sure. Why not?

I was hoping you'd go for the trail mix.

I can't believe this man is actually grazing in front of me.

Well, back to you. I'm sorry to avoid you.

I... I don't know why I can't say no. I...

I guess I want people to like me.

I hate myself for that. But...

I used to be able to say no.

What do you mean?

Well, before all this craziness started, I...

My friends used to call up and go,

"Robin, come over. We're all going outside it's really...

"there's some gnarly waves, we can hang out."

And I'd have to go, "No. My mama said I have to stay inside

"and read Nietzsche tonight."

Later on, I guess I felt really afraid to...

To say no to them because they'd all say, like,

"Oh, Robin Williams, Mr. Smarty-pants big shot.

"Oh, you forgot your old friends.

You can't lend me $10,000 for a new car.

You won't do the save-the-shrimp benefit."

This is none of my business, but...

It seems like if they're really your friends,

they'd understand.

But it seems to me you can't say no to a total stranger.

You're right.

It also looks like you're probably

taken advantage of a lot.

You know, if you learned to say no,

you'd have a lot more time to yourself.

Yeah. Well, maybe that's the last thing I want.

Come in.

Five Minutes, Mr. Williams.

Thank you.

You didn't get much of an interview.

I hope you're not disappointed.

Disappointed? Are you kidding?

You're breaking her perky little heart.

Listen, if it means that much to you,

tell you what I'm gonna do for you.

I'll put off my flight.

Tomorrow morning when my manager's asleep,

I'll sneak down to the TV station

and do an on-camera interview with you.

You'd do an on-camera interview with me?

Oh, I can't believe it.

I mean, I was just supposed to write this up

and let the anchorman read it.

Oh, that's so nice. I can't believe it.

Oh, wait a Minute. No, I... I can't do that.

Oh, yeah, that's a bad time for me, too.

How about next July?

No, Mork.

We were just talking about how you can't say no.

And I'm not going to be another person to take advantage of you.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'll learn to say no some other time.

Come watch the show from the wings.

Oh.

Excuse me, one thing before you go.

Today I was chased by a mob of people

who wanted to tear my clothes off.

Is it because they say I look like you.

Well, there's kind of a resemblance.

You just went through Celebrity 1A. How'd it feel?

Oh, it was frightening.

I mean, why do you want to take a job

where they tear your clothes off and throw you in the air?

Well, actually, I became a performer by accident.

My dad used to have this job

where he had to move around a lot.

Sometimes he'd leave the forwarding address.

Oh. Oh, he didn't do that.

No, you're right. I was kidding.

Actually, he packed me in the crate with the dishes.

What a guy, Min.

Anyway, I was always being the new kid in the neighborhood,

and well, since I was suffering

from a case of terminal shy, I...

I couldn't make friends that easily.

I spent a lot of time in my room and I...

I created my own little world

full of these little characters

that had strange, unusual qualities.

After a while, I realized that people found these characters

kind of funny and outrageous.

Then I got I realized my that characters could say

and do things I was afraid to do myself.

And after a little while, here I am.

Ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Robin Williams.

We're on.

Take care. Wish me luck.

Bonne chance.

Adieu.

Ooh, listen to that applause.

Something like that might make torn clothes worthwhile, Min.

Let's go.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Oh. Ha. Na-no.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, you cineraminist.

Just get on with your report, Mork.

Oh, yes, sir. This week, sir,

I learned what it's like to be famous on Earth.

That's good.

Well, sometimes it is,

and sometimes it isn't.

You see, most earthlings try to be recognized

for what they do, but when they become stars, sir,

they realize they're recognized wherever they go.

You mean they lose their privacy?

Well, sir, sometimes they can even lose their clothes.

See, being a star, sir, is a 24-hour job.

And you can't leave your face at the office.

Isn't fame its own reward?

Well, yes, sir, it is but when you're a celebrity,

everybody wants a piece of you, sir.

Unless you can say no,

there'll be no pieces left for yourself.

I thought all stars were rich,

live in mansions, and drive big eggs.

I know, sir, that's the common misconception.

But you see, to get that, you pay a very heavy price.

You have responsibilities, anxieties, and...

Well, to be honest, some of them can't take it.

I'm not buying it, Mork. Why, sir?

It sounds to me like they have it made.

Well, most of them do, sir,

but some are victims of their own fame,

very special and talented people...

people like Elvis Presley,

Marilyn Monroe...

Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix...

Lenny Bruce...

Freddie Prinze...

and John Lennon.