Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no.

Okay, kids,

something new for today. It's called "record hour."

Stuff record hour.

I'd rather have lunch hour.

Come on, now, Stephanie, you just had lunch,

and somewhere, a small country's going hungry.

What's record hour, Mork?

Oh, well, record hour's a...

Well, Mindy gave us a record player

so we can play those records

I've been wanting to play for a long time.

Wonderful stories. Today we have a little fairy tale documentary

called War of the Worlds.

It's told to us by the biggest Mother Goose of them all,

Orson Welles.

There we go. Watch this. Here we go.

Spin.

Manual.

There we are. There we go.

We bought it from Nixon's secretary.

Hold on.

Well, there seems to be,

as the Egyptians say, "tut-tut, a problem."

Well...

I killed it.

I've committed stereocide!

Stereocide, stereocide, no!

I'm gonna go to Dolby hell for this.

I guess record hour just bit the dust.

Oh, no, it didn't! No, no, no!

The show must go on, José, because if not,

we'll lose our grant from the Chrysler Foundation.

Come on, wait. We'll start over from the beginning, all right?

Here we go.

♪ Da da da ♪

Once upon a time,

a group of people decided to leave their home

and heads towards...

Heads towards... Heads towards...

Heads towards... Head towards Earth. Thank you.

See, that's the way the record does it at Mindy's house too.

It's a little touch of realism here.

Mork, could you finish the story

while we're still kids?

Thank you, Lola. No pressure.

Now, basically, the story ends like this.

All these aliens landed in Hollywood,

they were put on hold and they died a horrible death.

Well, that's all for today. Time for playtime.

Mrs. Fowler's waiting for you out in the yard.

Remember, don't tie her up like you did yesterday.

Someone tied a real good hitch knot.

Have a good time. Be careful. Be careful.

That's okay, Mork. We know you meant well.

Thanks for the pity, Jonathan.

I blew it in front of all the munchkins.

What am I gonna tell Mindy about her record player?

All right, everybody with a working record player

take one step forward. Not so fast, McConnell!

Hi. Whoa, what makes you think

there's something wrong with your record player?

What? Hm?

All right, all right! All right, I'll tell you.

Well, your record player has se habla appliance, finito.

Oh, no, not again.

I just got this thing fixed last week.

Well, obviously, the repairman did a crummy job.

I thought everyone on Earth took pride in what they did, Min.

Well, most do, Mork.

Let's just hope this repairman is one of them.

That's strange, Min.

Throughout the universe, all work is guaranteed.

I have a warranty from the lab I was made in.

For what?

Well, ankle blowouts,

rusted skin, coughing up frogs.

Wait a minute. They guarantee Orkans?

Yeah.

I was the only Orkan ever to be recalled.

What? Wait a minute.

Don't tell me you coughed up a frog?

Oh, no, no.

No, I was jogging at the speed of sound,

I turned a corner real fast, and my rear end fell off.

But... But they fixed it, Min. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Hello, Strand's Repair Shop? This is Mindy McConnell.

Yes, the same one that called you this morning.

I thought I'd try to convince you one more time.

But I already paid for it once.

Tough what?

Now, listen, you...

Wait a minute. Don't put me on hold! I...

They put me on hold.

Come in!

I mean, come in.

Hi, Mindy.

Did we catch you at a bad time?

I hate it when they put you on hold.

And they're playing "Put On a Happy Face."

Oh, I'll just call them back later.

My, my, it isn't often

we see the dark side of Mindy Poppins.

We're gonna take a little drive up into the snow,

and we thought maybe you and Mork

wanted to come along and help build snowwomen.

Anatomically correct until the sun comes out.

Oh, thanks, you guys, but Mork's not here,

and I'm too ticked off to go anywhere.

Wait, we're family, and we think as one.

Let me guess what's troubling you.

Crime in the streets?

Yes. But not this time.

I'm mad because I took my stereo down to have it fixed last week,

and this week, it doesn't work again for the same reason,

and I can't get the repairman to stand behind his work and...

And fix it again.

You know, I have a system that works for me

when something breaks down.

Maybe it'll work for you.

What's that?

I throw it away and buy a new one.

Glenda, you'd throw away a perfectly good stereo?

Well, I'd take the records off first.

Isn't that a little bit wasteful?

No, not really. I do it to relieve stress.

You see, I just don't throw things away,

I give them a sound thrashing first.

Glenda, you're so, esoteric.

That's what I like about you.

And that's what I like about you.

That you like that about me.

You know, Glenda,

I feel the stirrings of something special between us,

don't you? No.

Maybe if I got her drunk.

Oh, Min, Min, kiss those repair blues goodbye.

Ha-ha, boy! Boy, we're gonna sue that sucker real bad.

We're gonna habeas his corpus, or my name isn't F. Lee Mork.

What's the little jellybean chattering about now?

Oh, not chattering at all.

After I read these law books I got from the library.

Look at this, Min: Disney v. Duck.

When did you get a library card?

Card?

You can't take books out of the library without a card.

Oh.

No wonder that old lady hurdled over the desk

and chased me down the street.

She would have caught me too, if her cane hadn't snapped.

Nice try, guy, but you're wasting your time.

Lawsuits drag on for years.

Why does justice take so long?

Because lawyers are paid by the hour.

Well, I just can't let him get away with this.

I'm going down there,

and I'm gonna make him fix this thing.

And if he won't do it, at least I'll have the satisfaction

of giving him a good piece of my mind.

I should go in case you give him too much of your mind.

You might need someone to show you the way home.

Mindy, you should come on that drive with us.

A couple of hours in the snow,

and you'll see how unimportant turntables are

in the grand scheme of life.

It puts everything into perspective.

The crisp, chilly, frosty air.

It's a winter wonderland.

Well, thanks, you guys. It sounds great,

but I really have to take care of this.

Oh, Min, while we're out in that winter wonderland,

maybe we could do some favors for people,

like chip the frozen birds off their trees

and fling them south.

Oh, boy, Mork, I hope I can hold my temper.

Oh, that's all right, Min.

Here, you hold the record player, I'll hold your temper.

Just put it on the table over there, please.

That's him. That's Mr. Strand.

Oh, he seems like a nice man. Watch this.

Hello. What the hell do you want?

Min, not my lucky day.

Mr. Strand, I'd like you to fix this.

Wasn't this thing in here last week?

As a matter of fact, it was, and it still doesn't work.

So?

So I think you should fix it.

Sure. I'd be happy to fix it for you.

You would?

Yep. For my basic service charge.

What? He said his basic se...

I heard what he said, Mork, but that's not fair.

I brought this thing in last week,

you didn't fix it right,

and I think you should fix it again for free.

Look, lady, this worked fine when it left the shop, here.

You want that fixed free?

You got to go to the manufacturer.

Okay, where's that?

Taiwan.

Thank you. When do they close?

Listen, mister, for your information,

I happen to work for KTNS-TV,

and I think a lot of people out there

would be real interested to hear how you do business.

Oh, that's terrific.

While you're at it, tell them about this mixer, here.

It's been here for a month. Belongs to Ralph Nader.

Now, get out of my shop!

Mork, if I wasn't a lady, I'd drop him.

That's all right, Min. I'm no lady. Watch this.

All right, sir. You think you're so tough? Come on.

I dare you to knock this off my shoulder. Come on, now.

Hey, hey! You're talking to a guy

that doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit."

Whoa! "Quit." Verb, intransitive.

Means to cease or desist a plan of action.

That's it, go on. Out, out. Get out of here.

All right, we're going.

But you haven't heard the last from me, Mr. Strand.

And you haven't seen the last of her, Mr. Strand.

All right, get the heck out of here!

Couldn't we talk this over a couple sissy drinks?

I'm warning you.

What are you, Jack the whipper?

Come on, you want to mix it up with me?

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I'm not afraid of you! Oh, no?

Yeah, but my feet are. Two to one. They win.

Don't fail me now!

Min, Mork is one consumer who's had enough.

Listen, I've written all the way to the top.

"Dear Pope John Paul,"

"Gloria, Gloria, G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloria.

Morkus Orkus."

Whoa, talk about your fast service.

That's His Eminence now.

Shh! Shh! Min, get some Urim.

Quick, get some Urim.

♪ Ave Mari... ♪

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was the guy with the little red shoes.

Don't try to figure it out.

Yeah, well, I was on my way home from rehearsal,

and I thought I'd drop by

and take a look at your record player.

Thanks, Dad, but it... It's a complicated machine.

Well, honey, I used to fix all your toys.

Remember when I put that front wheel back on your tricycle?

It worked fine.

Yeah. Until the night I rode down Feldman's hill.

But you said the sparks were pretty.

Whoa, I... I didn't know you were an appliance doctor.

Dad.

Well, it... It always works on my TV.

Hey, here's that screwdriver you asked to borrow.

Be careful with it.

My parents gave it to me for graduation.

Tells you a lot about the folks, doesn't it?

That's a real sweet gift, Bick.

Yeah, it's a family trait.

I hope this screwdriver doesn't work.

It's nice to have a break

from that sound-effects record Mork keeps playing.

It's not easy to get a woman in the mood

with the sound of stampeding elephants

coming from the next apartment.

No, no, no, that's ferrets in love.

I'll wait for the video disc.

Honey, don't worry. We'll get it fixed.

I'll have this manual figured out

in two or three weeks.

You know, I had a typewriter fixed once,

but when I started writing my greeting cards,

it still wouldn't type the letter "L."

Can you imagine? "Good uck on your trip."

Nighty night.

Oh, hello, Fred. It's always fun.

Honey, why don't we just save ourselves the aggravation

and I'll pay for the repair myself?

Oh, Dad.

I mean, thanks anyway, but it's the principle here that counts.

I mean, millions of people

are taken advantage of like this every year.

No, there's gotta be some way of getting justice.

Justice? Wheels turning.

♪ Something's happening Something big ♪

Mork has a better idea, Min.

Mork, what's going on in that fertile Orkan mind?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

It's just that justice moves in strange ways.

See you later.

Yeah, and I thought he'd never adjust.

I don't want to see that Cuisinart in here again.

Ah.

Music to my ears.

One, two, three, four...

Wha...? Wha...? What?

That'll teach me to fix my own lights.

Oh, hey! Wha...?

Augustus J. Strand!

Who are you?

What are you?

I am Tommy Kilowatt,

ghost of appliances past.

And you...

Oh, wait. Time out.

And you are being put on trial by the Supremes court...

♪ No, no You can't hurry law ♪

for a mistreatment of appliances

and their poor owners.

A trial? No, no...

Uh, we're closed up for the...

I'm getting out of here. No.

Closed? Do you think justice punches a time clock?

Do you think truth works 9 to 5?

Does Geraldo Rivera ever stop talking?

I say, "nay!"

Let the trial begin.

Presiding over tonight's circuit court,

the Honorable Judge Oliver T. Wendell tube.

All those present shall speak through me.

Court shall now come to order. Bailiff, seat the defendant.

Thank you, bailiff.

Prosecutor, call your first witness.

Thank you, Your Honor.

It's a privilege to be in this court here this evening.

I'd like to call my first witness,

Mr. Ozzie T. Riser,

or as his friends call him, "yo, blender."

Mr. Blender, do you promise to tell the whole truth

and nothing but the truth, so help your circuits?

Thank you.

And now, Mr. Blender, you're under oath.

How many times have you been in this repair shop?

He's lying!

I object, Your Honor.

Since when does the defendant speak blender?

Four times. Four times for a simple loose plug?

Wow, that's shocking.

Now, I would like to call my next defendant.

Model DX-3000, please roll forward if you may.

Would you please tell the court

what was life like with this man here?

Sorry about that, Your Honor. It's a foreign import.

I'll have to translate.

Hold it right there, please. Hold it, now...

Oh, yeah.

This man would sell his mother to his father.

Oh, no!

I've done nothing wrong, I tell you! Nothing!

Oh, yes? Yes!

Au contraire, mon skinflint.

We have more evidence here to hang you high.

Look, lady, it worked fine

when it left the shop. You want it fixed free,

you take it back to the manufacturer.

How did you...? How did you get that? How did you do that?

Oh, the magic of wonderment.

Some trick!

No trick. Voodoo. Grigri.

Grigri?

We have another witness here

to testify against you.

Mr. Harry P. Drier.

Whoa!

Harry, will you please tell the court

what this man has done to you?

What can I say? He's an animal!

He's abused me. If I had a foot, I'd stamp it.

Your Honor, I never laid a hand on him.

Why am I pleading to a TV?

Members of the jury,

do you believe this man?

It's a frame-up! I'm innocent!

I tell you it's a frame-up!

I'm innocent! Innocent! Innocent!

Quiet in the court! All in the courtroom now!

I said quiet!

Clerk, strike that noise from the record, please.

Well, when do I get a chance to speak for myself?

Oh, of course. I... I'm your defense lawyer too.

You? Yes, I'm AC/DC

Hey, don't worry about nothing.

Don't you worry about a thing, there, hey.

We'll get you out before you can say "John Dean," don't worry.

Oh, it's weird, it's weird. All these things talking to you.

Don't let it bother you.

I'd like to call a surprise witness. Boo!

Don't worry about that.

Surprise witness for you, don't worry about that.

Hey, hey, how are you?

I have been in Mr. Strand's shop

for over 40 years.

So much for your defense, man.

I was gonna fix it tomorrow.

I was, I was.

Jury, have you reached a verdict?

No!

I'm innocent!

I'm innocent! I... I'll change!

I give you my word!

Verdict is guilty!

Have mercy, I tell you!

And your word has been broken so many times,

it's beyond repair.

Court is adjourned.

Order in the court, order in the court...

Wha...?

Huh?

Couldn't have been real.

No, no, no, no.

Yeah. I must have been dreaming.

No way, sucker!

How are we feeling today?

Let's see. Let's take a look.

Thirty-three and a third.

Not too bad. Cough. Cough.

Morning.

Oh, morning, Min.

Feign nonchalance.

Min, I think today's a wonderful day

to take the record player back to the shop.

No, Mork, I think today's a wonderful day

to go to work and make money to buy a new one.

Oh, Min, I think things would be a lot different

if you'd take it back today.

I don't know why. There's this kind of,

♪ Strange feeling Passing through me ♪

Mork, you didn't happen to go to the repair shop last night,

did you? Could be.

And you didn't happen to talk to Mr. Strand, did you?

Could be, part two.

Why am I worried to hear about could be, part three?

Hi. Miss McConnell?

I, uh... I just came by to apologize to you.

I'm taking care

of all my dissatisfied customers personally.

Uh, let's see, now. You had the, uh, record player, right?

Uh, right. Yeah, well, I'll...

I'll have this back to you, uh, early Monday morning.

It'll be all fixed, free of charge.

Well... Well, that's great, Mr. Strand,

but why the sudden change of heart?

Uh, well, let's just say that I...

I had a, uh, nightmare last night.

It, uh... Anyway, it made me realize

that I should take a lot more pride in my work.

Oh, this has got a little scratch.

You know, you ought to treat your appliances

with a lot more respect.

They have feelings too, you know.

Come on. Come on, little fella. Here we go.

See you.

Bye.

Mork, he's like a completely different man.

What on earth could have gotten into him?

Oh, nothing on earth, Min.

Wait a minute.

When you went to the repair shop,

you didn't happen to:

anything, did you?

Wrong hand, Min.

You really shouldn't go around zapping things all the time.

But this time, you did good.

I did good? That's the second time this week.

Oh, what was the first time?

Remember how you were talking about your job and you said

anyone who's famous in TV has her name known all over town?

Well, Min, you are gonna be up there in lights.

I mean, known. A success.

I am? Mm-hm.

Oh, see, I went all over Boulder

and wrote your name in every phone booth in town.

"For a perky time, call Mindy."

That's for you.

Hello?

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, your boob-tubeness.

Is that you, Mork?

Oh, yes, sir. Talk about your bad connections here. Whoo!

Beebs, have you been chewing on the lines again?

Lorne Greene said kibble, not cable.

Mork, pull yourself together.

Yes, sir.

Ah, good to have you back. Sorry, sir, I lost my head.

Have you been tinkering with your knobs again?

Oh, no way, sir. I just had my 3000-report checkup.

I must be suffering, sir, from that universal disease

called "shoddy workmanship."

And one of the main symptoms

is feeling like you've just been ripped off.

What causes this disease?

Well, sir, apathy, lack of pride in one's work, greed.

What happened to responsibility?

Well, sir, it's in the shop. It'll be ready Tuesday.

You see, sir, I've learned that most Earthlings consider a job

just a way of making money.

Isn't there a saying on Earth, "money talks"?

Yes, sir, but nothing speaks as eloquently as a job well done,

or Brooke Shields' jeans saying,

"Give me air!"

Until next week, sir, na-no...

Na...

Na-no.