Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no!

Oh, now, don't worry, honey.

You'll get a job soon.

I hope so.

Well, Mindy, you know, if it wasn't for something

my father told me,

I never would have gotten my first job.

What did he say?

"Get outta the house, you bum."

And if you're real good,

I'll take you to see Popeye again.

I wonder how he got those big arms.

Oh, Min, Min.

Hi. Hi, kids.

Oh, I have wonderful news for you, Min.

Bon appétit, Stephanie.

All the other munchkins, I told all of them today

that you were looking for a job

because you're tired of seeing me fretting,

going, "Will she get the job or will she end up

"as the bag lady of Boulder,

fighting alley cats for fish heads?"

Lola, tell her the good news. Lay it on her, Lola.

My uncle manages KTNS, the TV station,

and I think there's a job available in the newsroom.

Oh, thanks, anyway, Lola, but I've already been over

to KTNS two and three times, and there's nothing available.

You're spinning your wheels.

Get a job at the House of Pies.

I eat there a lot.

Stephanie eats everywhere a lot.

Lola's uncle said there'd be a job opening today, Mind.

Really? Well, maybe I do stand a chance.

I don't see why not.

You're attractive to men, yet no threat to women.

You know, when she talks, E.F. Hutton listens.

Here's my uncle's card.

And, oh, by the way, take one of mine.

Thank you.

Come on, Stephanie, I gotta get home.

Carl Sagan's on Cavett.

You might have a better chance of getting a job

if you weren't so skinny.

Are you gonna call the station?

Well, you bet.

Oh, boy. Isn't it wonderful, pops?

I mean, today, little Mindy McConnell

from a local TV station.

Tomorrow, Fred Silverwoman!

Oh, Min.

Hello, KTNS? Shh!

Yes, I understand you have a job opening.

Oh, my name's Mindy McConnell, and, uh, I'd be very interested

in coming down for an interview.

Oh, yeah, I can do that.

Oh, sure, I can do that.

Well, I can try to do that.

Okay, fine. Tomorrow at 4.

Very good. Thank you. Bye-bye.

What did they say, Mind? All I could hear was:

Well, they said every now and then

I'd have to be on camera.

I mean, I've never been on camera before.

Oh, come on now, Mind, I saw those home movies

your father made when you were 2.

You're a natural. Remember this one?

Wee!

Thank you, miss,

but we're looking for someone with more experience.

Boy, this weather. I just about missed my chance.

My interview's at 4:00.

Oh, mine's at 4:20. I'm early.

Yeah.

You know, you look...

Oh, no.

Sure is crowded in here, huh?

Mm. Sure is.

My name's Mindy McConnell.

Mine's Mandy McDonald.

What a coincidence.

Isn't it, though?

I bet you're a journalism major too.

Yeah, how did you know?

Most of these girls here are.

You all travel as a group?

No, I bump into a lot of them at these interviews.

You know, there are only so many jobs.

Oh, you're telling me.

It isn't as rosy

as they lead you to believe in college.

Colorado State?

Almost. University of Colorado.

I graduated with honors.

Oh. Me too.

Oh.

Good.

You don't happen to live with a guy named Mork, do you?

Not anymore.

You know a Mork?

Oh, I thought you said "Mark."

That's my old boyfriend.

Oh, Mark and Mandy.

Cute.

You know, it's amazing.

You think you're so special when you graduate.

Then you get out in the world

and you find you're just another perky face.

I don't believe this!

Next: McConnell, Mindy.

I'm McConnell, Mindy.

I mean, Mindy McConnell.

Miles Sternhagen,

I am station manager of KTNS.

Oh.

Uh, it's nice weather, isn't it?

No, it... It's snowing.

Oh. Right.

Um, Miss McConnell,

what are your qualifications?

Oh, my qualifications.

Well, I graduated with honors from the University of Colorado,

and I served three years on the school newspaper,

and I was associate editor of the yearbook...

Miss, uh, McConnell,

have you ever had any experience in the field?

Uh, no, but I really feel...

Thank you very much,

but I'm looking for someone who has.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Mr. Sternhagen,

but there's something I'd like to say.

Yes?

I know you've probably met a lot of people like me.

Well, I-I'd like you to know that I've certainly met

a lot of people like you too.

You all claim that you wanna hire someone

with experience, and yet you'll never give any of us

the chance to get any.

You probably wouldn't have sent a man to the moon

because he hadn't been there before.

Well, I may not be experienced,

but I'm intelligent, and capable, and hard working,

and I'd do a darn good job.

No, I'd do a damn good job!

Miss McConnell, you believe in speaking your mind.

Yes.

That's why I fired the last girl.

Maybe I ought to take a chance on you

if you're willing to work for 200 a week.

I'd do it for half that.

Oh, no, that...

That wouldn't be fair.

Uh, let's make it 110.

I can't believe it! You mean you're hiring me?

I don't even know what the job is.

Well, it's not all that thrilling.

This is a small station.

Not like when I was at the network.

Then, when I turned down Cronkite and Rather,

well, it mattered.

That's, uh, why I'm here in Denver's, uh... appendix.

Uh, but then, that's old business.

As far as the job goes, Miss McConnell,

you'll do any number of trivial odds and ends,

and fill in on camera for whoever's not here.

Oh, well, don't you want to audition me or anything?

You seem to have a lot of faith in yourself.

We'll try you out on the air.

Tonight on the late news, you'll do the weather report.

Uh, Dewey Fishbeck is out with the croup.

Gee, tonight.

That just seems so soon.

I mean, I've never really done

too much of that kind of thing.

Well, that's all right.

If you're no good, I'll fire you.

Power is dizzying.

Well...

I promise you you won't be sorry, Mr. Stainhergen.

That's Sternhagen,

Oh.

And I'm already sorry.

Oh, no. Heh-heh.

Doesn't Mork wanna celebrate with us?

Oh, Mork doesn't drink champagne.

He feels it just perpetuates cruelty to grapes.

Oh, he's such a little snugglepuss.

I wish I could buy one somewhere.

Mm. I just love your choice of champagne.

Oh, me too. It's so much better than the champagne

Remo gets for the restaurant.

That stuff comes in cans.

Well, I better be going before the snow gets worse.

Now, Cathy and I will be watching you tonight, honey,

and I just can't wait to see how you're going to slip

"Hi, Dad" into a weather report.

Oh, that man is such a social lubricant.

Uh... So tell me, Mindy,

what are you gonna wear on the air tonight, hm?

Wear? Oh, I don't know. Just my regular Mindy clothes.

Jeanie, dear, it doesn't matter what she wears.

It's what she projects.

Now, Mindy, you're going to be on

at 10:00 at night, right?

Well, if I were you, I'd cater to the mood

of a late night adult audience.

How?

Well...

Hello, Boulder.

Welcome to the joy of weather, by M.

We'll get to the weather later.

But first, I dance for you.

Glenda!

I wouldn't talk like that on my honeymoon!

I don't know. I think maybe you should just be yourself.

You know, like, "Hi, I'm Mindy. Isn't the weather great?

"There's a real cute blizzard out there,

"and don't you just want to write

a thank-you note to Jack Frost?"

You know, something like that, maybe.

Thanks.

Oh, would you look at that snow?

Oh, we'd better go, Jeanie.

Oh, I am so glad I bought those Gucci snow tires.

Well, thanks for coming over, you guys.

Mindy, they don't really make Gucci snow tires, do they?

I hope not.

Bye-bye. Goodbye!

We'll be watching you.

Hello, Boulder.

Welcome to the joy of weather, by...

Oh, God!

Are you Mindy McConnell?

Yes, I am, and this is my friend Mork.

I'm Jake Loomis, your cameraman.

I'm surprised you got through.

Nobody else did. The whole town's snowed in.

Oh. Well, I have a 4-wheel drive Jeep.

What do you mean nobody's here?

Just me and the engineer.

Yeah, I been here all night.

Show business is my life.

Well, who's gonna do the news?

Search me.

Hold on, Min. Hold on a second.

Hold it! Hold it right there!

He's clean, Min.

I thought all the flakes were outside.

Oh, uh, whoever showed up

is supposed to call, uh, Sternhagen

here at this number right away.

Phone's behind the desk there.

Better hurry up, the movie's almost over.

Oh, look, it's my favorite, Min.

Benji Shaves his Legs.

Hello, Mr. Sternhagen?

Yeah, this is Mindy McConnell.

Well, I guess I'm the only one that made it through the snow.

Well... So I guess we're not doing the news tonight?

Oh, no, no, I don't think...

No, no, no, I couldn't possibly...

Oh, I see.

Okay, I-I'll try. Bye.

You handled that well, Min.

Mork, he said that there's a half an hour

until the station signs off.

He said he doesn't want to lose his sponsors,

and he said he wants me to fill

the whole half hour all by myself.

What am I gonna do? I don't know.

You're on in 15 seconds, Miss McConnell.

Here's the news and weather. There's the camera.

Don't blow it.

Thanks, no pressure.

Will you hold those for a second?

All right. Five,

four, three...

Mork, give me those, quick!

Oh, here, min. Catch!

You're on.

Good evening.

I'm Mindy McConnell,

and tonight, I'll bre binging you the news...

from all over.

A news report has just been handed to me.

Thank you.

"Expected to be over by December."

And that's the news for tonight.

Another news bulletin has just been handed to me.

"Thousands flee in terror as..."

"The pope blesses visitors to the Vatican."

And that's the news.

Mork, help me.

What did you say, Min?

Help me. MORK: Oh.

Mork the video junkie to the rescue!

Hello, good evening.

Thank you very much, Mindy McConnell.

Thank you...

Thanks for dropping in tonight.

Yes, hello, we have the news from Boulder, Colorado.

As we like to call it, "The Mindy City."

Ar, ar!

And now for the news with Walter Morkite.

Hello, I'm Walter Morkite,

with Dan Mork in London, Morky Rather in Paris,

and Michael Mork in women's clothes.

News flash from New York today...

Chase Manhattan bank was robbed.

Here's a description as follows:

"Four stories high,

lots of bricks, and plenty of glass."

Moving right along,

to Washington D.C. Today President Ronald Reagan

replied to a group of hecklers by saying,

"What would this country be

without this great land of ours?"

He also stunned America on his acceptance

of the presidency by going,

"My fellow Americans, lie."

Moving right along, we go to Moscow.

But first, we have... Yes, we have the update.

We're gonna have the update from San Salvador.

There's some physical unrest up there, a little violence.

We have the actual footage of a riot

taking place in San Salvador. Take it away.

We don't have the footage,

so this is what it would look like:

Moving right along, also from the Soviet Union,

shot-putter Olga Schwitz finally agreed

to talk to the press and deny the allegations

that she has been taking steroids all these years.

She replied by merely saying:

She also said that her 80-inch bust was merely hereditary.

Thank you, Olga.

In the field of sports medicine, another incredible breakthrough.

It's called the Joe Garagiola School of Childbirth.

It happens in the operating room,

and it consists of a man dressed in a catcher's mask

and catcher's mitt going,

"Yo, baby! Right here, baby! Yo!"

Ladies and gentlemen,

you've got to believe in something

or you'll fall for anything, yeah!

I want to leave you. Got to go now.

But I want you to know that you can fool

some of the people some of the time,

and the rest will watch.

So now we have a brief spot announcement.

Thank you, Spot.

Thank you, yes!

We're off. Ten second commercial.

Thank you.

Mork, we're doing great.

We only have a couple minutes left.

I've got the weather report together.

All right, Min. Sure you don't want me to help?

No, it's time I stood on my own two feet.

It's now or never.

All right, Min. Good luck, Min.

Thanks.

We're back on.

Good evening, everyone,

and here's the weather report

for Boulder and vicinity.

We have a blizzard.

Heavy snow continuing tonight and on through the weekend.

The present temperature is 19 degrees,

with an expected low tonight of 8.

And that's it.

Boy, it sure is cold out.

How cold is it?

Well, it's so cold... Well, i-it's the kind of weather

where you kind of like to curl up

with a nice cup of hot chocolate

and a good book, and snuggle under a big, warm quilt.

You know, the kind your grandmother made.

And sure, it-it's hard to drive in the snow,

but it's a good time to go walk and visit your neighbors.

You know, maybe wave and say hello.

Sure, winter is harsh, but what other time of year...

What other time of year can you, uh, celebrate Christmas

and look forward to spring?

That's it?

Oh, well, that's it, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Mindy McConnell, and we'll be seeing you again real soon.

Hopefully.

That's it. We're off the air. Good job.

It was, wasn't it?

Don't let it go to your head.

Oh, Min, you did it!

I did all right, I-I stood in front of all those people

and I talked, and it felt great.

We did it. We actually filled the time!

No, no, you did it, Mind.

I was just the tail on the kite.

Oh, no! Shh!

Oh, Min. Whoa, Min, Min!

Oh, Mork, it's Mr. Sternhagen.

Mr. Sternhagen.

How do you do, Mr. Sternhagen?

I'm Mork. Na-no, na-no.

Oh, have it...

Have it your own way.

I got... I got here as soon as I could.

You'd be surprised how fast you can go

with one foot on the floor and...

And your chin on the h-horn.

Sounds fun, Min.

You know, I thought that my career was over

because we had nothing to put on that, uh, uh...

Uh, uh, uh...

Tu-tube.

You may not believe this,

but these are the kinds of crises that...

That really used to get to me, but no mo...

No... no mo...

Not now.

Did you enjoy Mindy's weather forecast?

I never know what I enjoy until the ratings come in.

I learned that a long time ago when I was high.

In the network.

Well, do I get to keep the job?

Why...? Ugh. Why not?

Why not?

You pulled me through a dif-difficult time,

and I-I just can't thank you enough,

Miss McCooo...

Mi... Miss McCooo... Bleh.

Miss McComikaze.

And you too, Mr. Needy, Noody, Noddy,

Ninny, Nonny, Minnie, hah...

Minnie hah?

Oh, hi.

I got here as soon as I could.

Keep up the good work.

That's the type of leader this country needs, Min.

Believe me, Mork, he wasn't like that when I first met him.

But who cares? He liked what I did.

I get to keep the job!

I guess those four years of college really paid off.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but not as much as my three years of Mork.

Oh, shucks and wazoo.

Boy, you know, I really hate to drive in this kind of snow.

Yeah, you're right. It could be kind of dangerous.

Wait a minute, we'll get a ride from Mr. Sternhagen.

I'll go get him.

Don't take the car, you'll kill yourself!

Yes!

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, your lardness!

Lardness... lardness...

That's not funny, Mork.

I have a thyroid problem.

Oh, yes, sir. That and a truckload of mashed potatoes

will do it every time.

Will you get on with it, Mork?

Oh, yes, sir.

Sir, this week I learned about the concept of jobs.

After much searching and difficulty,

Mindy finally got one.

But I thought she was a student.

Oh, she's a very good one, sir,

but there's an Earth saying:

"Those who stay in college too long die by degrees."

Why all the mountaineering gear, Mork?

Oh, Beebs says it was to make you feel at home,

Your Matterhorniness. Ha-ha-ha!

You don't buy that one either, do you?

Well, basically, sir, what it is is a metaphor

to symbolize the climb that Mindy's just undertaken

to reach the peak of success...

What does that mean in plain Orkan?

Well, sir, it means that any Earthling who expects

to get a job when he gets out of college

is a victim of the abominable snow job.

You know what I'm talking about?

Basically that there's no guarantee

that any Earthling who graduates from college is gonna get a job,

unless he can play basketball, you know what I'm saying?

That doesn't seem fair, Mork.

Oh, it isn't, sir. It's like Tarzan said,

"It's a jungle out there, Jane."

You see, the old ones are forced out of their jobs.

The young ones can't get in,

and the ones in the middle,

they all get ulcers from working too hard.

But I've learned one thing, sir.

No matter how high the mountain, or how dull the task,

you have to take that first step to reach the top.

Yo-de-lay, na-no!