Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no.

You were great last night, Dad.

You know, that benefit concert was really terrific.

Yeah, and the reviews aren't too bad, either. Here, look.

There's even a picture of me conducting the orchestra.

That's a wonderful likeness of the back of your head.

Well, you certainly are in a jolly mood.

Yeah, well, why not?

One critic called me the bald Bernstein of Boulder.

On top of that, we raised over $30,000

for the new Boulder children's hospital.

Boy, I wish I was doing that well.

I promised to raise $1,000,

but looking for this new job, it's just taking up all my time.

Yeah, well, you can always rent Mork out

to a research laboratory.

I'm really gonna have to buckle down

this next couple of days to raise the money I pledged.

Maybe I'll dress up as a Girl Scout

and go door to door.

Well, it worked when I was 12.

What are you doing? Huh? What...? Ooh.

I... I think I was sleep-jogging, and I locked...

I locked myself out.

How did you do that?

Well, I guess kind of like this:

ready, set, dream.

Idiot delight.

Déjà vu. Door ja vu.

Oh, no. It's Boulder Pops.

Oh, what a wonderful evening. That was incredible.

I mean, Beverly Sills singing everything.

Couldn't you tell it was me in the back going,

"Whoa! Get down, mama!"

Oh, boy, you know, sometimes I can really be irrepressible.

I don't know why.

Whoa!

Oh, look, it guessed my weight.

Ah, well, I really should be going.

I've got to show my picture to the rest of Boulder.

Mm, and I'll keep making phone calls for donations.

I haven't even raised enough money to pay my phone bill.

Oh, don't worry, honey. Mwah.

You'll raise the money somehow.

I hope so.

I'll have to disguise the back of my head

so I can slip by the groupies.

Ah, oui.

Alors. Alors.

Min. Min, Min, Min. Oh, what?

Why didn't you tell me that you needed money?

You can have anything I own, except for my lips

because those are rented.

That's sweet, but the money's not for me.

It's for the new children's hospital.

Min,

you mean you can get money just by asking for it?

Well, some people donate money to others

if they think the cause is worthy enough.

Oh, like Abscam?

Senator, do you really believe

that, uh, you took this as a loan?

No, I just thought it was a Christmas gift.

No, not quite. See, it's called charity.

People raise money in different ways,

and then they donate it

to people who they feel are in need.

Like remember the telethon we saw the other night?

That was wonderful, especially when Monty Hall sang,

♪ Bess, you is my woman now ♪

Yeah.

Well, people were donating money to that charity.

Oh, Min, I'll never understand you Earthlings.

Boy, I mean, sometimes the lights are on

and nobody's home, you know what I'm saying?

You've got one wheel in the sand, there.

I mean, we Orkans ask for money, right away, bang!

Right in the institution in a little rubber room going,

"Boink! Boink! Ha-ha! I'm okay! Boink! Boink!"

Well, caring people here like to help others.

Oh, Min, I care and want to help.

Well, I wish you could, Mork.

I've got to have those donations in by Friday.

I've got to start making phone calls right now.

It shouldn't take that long. You won't have to raise much.

You're just building a children's hospital.

It only has to be about this high.

Welcome to our marathon for Mindy's kids.

Come on. I'm gonna stay on the air till you give, give, give.

Come on, now. Come on, little Tommy.

Why am I here?

What are you doing to me?

No, let's go, now.

Here we go. I'd like you to meet my first guest.

Hi, hi, hi.

Don't be afraid of me.

You know, but these kids...

Can I say one thing?

Here's my first guess.

Let's bring her out to you wonderful people,

but how much money have we raised?

Diddly. Okay, let's keep going.

And now, let's bring out another wonderful act,

the famous Biblini's.

Thank you, it's nice to be here.

I want now to do the famous midget juggling.

Thank you, very much.

And now, please...

No, please, let go.

Hey! Hey!

Yay! Ho... No, don't touch me there. Don't...

Put me down.

Thank you, thank... Ah!

Hey. Uh...

We'll be having a telethon

for them in just about an hour.

Let's keep going right now.

I just want to thank all of you, but first... Hey!

A little heart and soul, here. Let's bring him out.

These young kids. Let's bring them out here.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

We are The Confusions.

We can dance better than we can sing.

I'd like to introduce you to the members of the band.

Larry. Proud Aquarius.

Tom. Mooning Encino, I don't know why.

Billy Bob. I don't know what the hell.

My agent got me this job.

Well, that's it. Let's thank all these young people, there.

Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thank you.

We'll be coming right around, now, collecting money.

Thank you, oh, thank you.

Hey, how about that, huh? Isn't he terrific?

Mork, what are you doing?

I'm doing a telethon to raise money for Mindy's kids.

Oh, that's... That's real nice.

You're scaring away my customers.

If you keep this up, Mindy's gonna be raising money for me.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry about that.

Here, I'll turn in my tie.

Um, I... I...

Whew!

Excuse me, sir.

Do you mind if I mope here, or is this a no-moping section?

No, kid, sure. Sit down, sit down.

Hey, you know something?

You got a great approach there, kid,

but you sure got a lot to learn about fundraising.

You know how to raise money?

Oh, I'm a professional from back east.

I raised money every day of my life.

You do? How?

Give me a quarter and I'll show you.

Oh, sure.

See? I just raised a quarter.

Oh!

Vroom!

Boy, you're slicker than a Teflon banana peel.

Oh-ho, boy. I didn't even know I was had.

It was already in my ear.

No... Oh! Ooh! Sha! Oh! Aw! Oh! Ho-ho!

Wow! How do you get a job like that?

Ah...

I admire your thirst for knowledge, kid.

I'll tell you what:

in exchange for a percentage of everything you rake in,

I teach you everything I know.

Oh, really? Oh, that's a great deal, Lucille!

No, the name's Godfrey. What's yours?

Oh, hey! Hey, hey, hey!

I wasn't born yesterday off some turnip truck.

Come on, now. If you want my name, it's gonna cost a quarter.

All right, my name's Mork, and here's your quarter.

Ha, ha, ha! Boy, I'm hotter than a whip, aren't I?

The Aspen, Grand Junction

and Salt Lake City bus is now loading.

That's the Aspen, Grand Junction

and Salt Lake City bus.

Last call for Aspen, Grand Junction

and Salt Lake City... Hey.

This is one of my favorite spots, you know.

Lots of people coming through.

Now, the first thing we do, we check petty cash.

Nothing in those.

Nothing in mine, either.

Attention!

Assume the fundraising position.

Perfect.

Now, show me what you learned.

Oh, got you. Watch this.

Excuse me, Hare Krishna, Hare Lama.

My name is Mork. I'm trying to raise money...

Who cares?

Excuse me.

Was it...? Was it something I said?

No, it's a rat race out there, kid.

You want to raise funds, you got to give a performance.

Here, watch a master at work, okay?

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Could you please spare just a few pennies

for a poor, destitute soul

who is trying to stave off the bitter bite of winter?

It is not for myself, you understand,

but for my son, who is...

Oh, bless you!

Bless you! Bless you!

Oh, Godfrey!

Godfrey, I didn't know it was that bad!

Here, take this. It's all I have.

It's a picture of Robert Conrad.

It's... It's a picture...

It's when he was real young.

He didn't have a battery on his shoulder then.

Oh, thank you very much, son.

I was just acting.

Oh! Ho!

Oh, whoa, De Niro move over.

Raging bum!

Yeah.

Well, I tell you,

maybe it's better for you to use the flattery approach.

Oh. Butter them up.

Ooh, yeah, sounds kinky, but I'll give it a try.

Hello, baby, how are you?

My name is Mork Jordan. I would like to design your jeans.

Someone sprayed those on you, obviously,

but you look beautiful.

You know, you are a very, very beautiful woman.

All I can say is that you must be so sweet.

So, so sweet that I would bake a cake in your name.

You know what I'm saying?

How are you? How are you? Very, very nice to have met you.

A bientôt. Ooh, merci bien.

Bless you, madame. Bless you.

Enchanté.

Enchant-toe-toe-tay-tay.

What'd you get?

Her phone number.

I'll take that.

I guess the best thing for you, kid,

is just to kind of be yourself, you know?

Say nothing. Just look pathetic.

All right. Okay.

Perfect. Perfect!

What's the matter, brother?

You down on your luck?

Hey, could you use a little something to tide you over?

Here, don't be ashamed.

No nukes.

What'd you get? How'd you do?

Kid, you were just great.

You got what it takes.

Now I'll take what you got.

That's for tuition. Oh, whoa.

Does that enroll me in the school of hard knocks, now?

You betcha.

This is just the beginning, too, remember?

Oh, boy.

Is Mindy gonna be proud of me.

Oh, I'm gonna build that hospital

right from the bottom up.

Oh, I hope asking for donations in the mail

works a lot better for me than it did for John Anderson.

Who?

See what I mean.

Glenda, would you like to switch again or what?

No, hon, I'm fine.

You know, maybe this would be easier if I'd use a sponge.

Oh, sorry. Mork took all our sponges down to the river

and set them free.

You know, he's really got sort of an offbeat

sense of compassion, doesn't he?

Now, don't you worry, Mindy.

You've been putting so much into this fund drive,

it's bound to be a success.

In fact, I'd like to make a contribution to the hospital.

Oh, thanks, Glenda.

I've been meaning to give this to you.

Oh, that's really thoughtful.

But didn't you put a few too many zeros in this number?

No, no, no, no, no. It's a very worthy cause.

Besides, I'd only blow the money on T-bills.

Uh, Glenda, you know,

I don't mean to sound forward or anything,

but would you adopt me?

Isn't she adorable?

Oh. She sure is.

Oh, gee, we've got to run.

It's almost time for racquetball.

Do you think I'm gonna like this as much as I did bowling?

Oh, it doesn't matter. The clothes are a lot cuter.

Oh, boy. Whoo!

Bye, you guys. Thanks a lot for your help.

Goodbye. See you later. Bye. Bye.

Okay.

Well, back to work. No rest for the perky.

Eureka, Min!

Min, what's wrong?

I just swallowed a stamp.

Well, quick, swallow a letter.

Where...?

Where did you get those clothes? Oh, Bowery Brothers.

It's a little boutique on Skid Drive.

Oh, Min, boy, you're gonna be so happy.

Not only are we gonna build a wing on that hospital,

we're gonna build a wing and a thigh.

Look.

Mork, what earth concept have you misunderstood this week?

No, I didn't misunderstand, Min. You're gonna be so proud of me.

I've mastered fundraising. Watch this, watch this.

Give me a dollar.

You mean you bummed all this money?

Oh, not bummed, Min. No. It's an art form.

Listen, I would have brought home more,

except there are holes in my pocket

and I had to help some friends out.

Get them a little libation.

But that's panhandling.

No, Min. Panhandling is what nurses do in the hospital.

I'm an individualized, self-help fundraiser.

I think I'm getting a headache real soon.

Oh, Min, do you want me to bum you an aspirin?

Give me an aspirin.

Mork, begging isn't the right way to collect money.

Oh, Min, but my friend Godfrey said...

Oh, Mork, look at you. I can't... Oh!

It's just... it's so humili...

It's so embarrassing.

I mean, now I really have a headache.

I guess that means we won't have dinner at the mission.

Oh, It's too bad, Min,

because I've already selected a wonderful wine.

Look here. It says "Mount Thunder Oiseau."

Oh, come on, Min. Come on.

I like you. You're pretty.

Min? Not yet, Mork.

Okay, Min.

Okay, now I'm ready.

Mork... Present.

Now, I realize...

I realize that you are a creature from outer space.

Creature's a little rough, isn't it, Min?

Not at the moment.

Why do I feel like I'm sitting

next to Mount St. Mindy?

Now, I realize that you are a creature from outer space,

but there are certain things that even the Blob wouldn't do.

Min, what did I do wrong? I just wanted to raise money.

I know, Mork, but begging in the bus station

where all my friends could see you.

It wasn't all your friends, Min. It was just six of them.

Besides, they were only good for $20.

You panhandled from my friends?

Oh, I want to crawl under a rock!

Well, Min, well, I mean, you did the same thing,

and I was just a little bit more creative.

What's the difference? There's a big difference, Mork!

In the first place, I wasn't asking for myself.

I was asking for other people.

Well, so was I. Neh, neh, neh, neh.

Oh!

People at the bus station didn't know that.

Well... Panhandlers usually keep

the money for themselves.

Oh, my friend Godfrey... He's my mentor too, Min.

He said that you have to take the direct approach.

We're gonna build a new society

where you don't have a middleman.

Your friend and mentor is a bum.

Oh! Oh! Oh, shattered illusion!

Oh, Mork.

Oh, no more, Mindy. No more.

You've hurt me to the quick.

What I meant was,

what your friend does is called begging.

And... And on Earth, begging isn't exactly in.

I mean, only derelicts beg.

Oh, Min, but I thought everybody on Earth begged.

I mean, in court, you beg for mercy,

politicians beg the issue, people beg off.

I mean... And you even teach your dog to beg, Min.

Oh, Mork, it's not the same thing.

Beg your pardon?

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but begging just isn't right.

Oh, I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you.

Just don't do anymore panhandling, okay?

Okay.

Good.

Okay, now, I got to get these in the mail.

Look, while I'm gone,

I think maybe you should glance over your Earth manual again.

Only, this time, try reading it.

Don't just color the pictures.

Step right up, everybody!

We're giving away free money!

Let me give you a dollar.

Please, now, come on. Free money.

Pardon me, ma'am. I have a fistful of dollars.

Dig right in there.

Se habla Español?

Whew!

I can't even give this stuff away.

Oh, where's a mugger when you really need him?

Excuse me, sir. Do you have any spare change?

No, I don't.

Well, now you do. Come here. There you go.

Oh! Oh, hey!

Oh, gee, thanks!

Oh, and there's... Whoa!

Hey, you're a saint!

Oh, gee. Bless you.

Hey, this fruitcake is giving away money.

♪ All God's children Got bucks, bucks ♪

Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

Wait a minute! Don't you dare!

You leave that...

What's going on here?

Well, I... I was just giving the money back.

Isn't it beautiful?

Are you bonkers?

You're supposed to take handouts, not give them away!

I know, but I've heard it's better to give than receive.

Ooh... You should try it yourself.

Never!

I can't understand it.

I did everything I could for you.

I treated you like you were my own flesh and blood.

I kicked you out of the house, I threw you in the gutter,

and I made a bum out of you.

Where did I go wrong?

It's only money.

Oh, that's like an Arab saying,

"It's only oil."

Money's the most important thing in the world.

Don't you understand? It's much too valuable to give away.

If I'd known you felt like that...

I mean, whoa...

Well, here, Godfrey. This is all I've got left.

It's a McGovern-Eagleton button.

Kid,

I'm real disappointed in you.

Godfrey...

it's people like you that give bums a bad name.

You gave the money back?

Oh, Min, but you said I got the money in a way

that wasn't socially acceptable to middle-class mores.

I said that?

Well, not as eloquently.

What I meant was, it's...

It's wrong to... To beg for money

unless it's for a worthy cause.

Then it's not begging. It's charity.

Whew, first I get the money wrong,

then I give it back wrong.

Oh, Min, this place is really perplexing.

I mean, no wonder psychiatrists drive Mercedes.

Who can stay mad at puppies or Orkans?

Godfrey, come on in.

Hiya, kid. Hey.

Min, it's my financial adviser, Godfrey.

Yeah, I've heard a lot about you, Godfrey.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

I'll put some newspapers on the couch.

No, no, no. Don't bother.

This ain't gonna take but a minute.

You know, kid,

earlier today, I was sure

you was the biggest sucker I'd ever met in my whole life.

Oh... Oh, shucks.

You know, after you left that bus station,

I got to thinking, and I saw this little girl standing there,

crying because she was lost.

Suddenly, it hit me, you know?

Money... Money don't mean nothing

if I can change that little girl's life.

Right then and there, I decided to make the big sacrifice.

What did you do? I gave her a dime

so she could call her mother.

And I tell you, the look on that girl's face

made me feel so good,

I started thinking how good I'd feel

if I could help a lot of kids, you know?

So, uh... Uh...

Uh...

Here. That's for your hospital.

You're making a donation?

Yeah.

Well, thank you!

You're welcome.

Godfrey, you have to let it go now.

Oh.

Oh, this is very generous of you, Godfrey.

Now I can almost make my pledge.

Almost? What do you mean? You're still short?

Oh, only $40.

Oh, boy, this is gonna be painful.

Oh.

This is wonderful.

Oh, yeah, a born-again bum. Come on.

Don't... Don't spread that around, will you?

I worked too hard to get where I am.

I'll be seeing you. Can I walk you to the gutter?

Nah, nah.

Um, excuse me.

Have you ever thought of maybe taking on

a little responsibility?

You know, getting a job and settling down.

Getting married.

Raising kids.

Sending them through college.

I did all that. That's how I got to be a bum.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, my favorite superior being.

Let's hear your report, Mork.

Yes, sir.

And in the center ring,

it's the incredible shrinking dollar!

You can spend it, you can save it,

you can waste it, but you can't take it with you!

No, sirree bob.

You've already made a report on money

and how Earthlings love to hoard it, Mork.

Oh, yes, sir, but you see, this week,

I learned about a very generous act called charity.

See, sir, there's another side to the coin.

How about that for a nifty metaphor, huh?

A little Byron, a little Keats, a little Shelley.

Get to the point, Mork! Yes, sir.

See, sir, charity is a concept

whereby Earthlings with money help those without it.

It's kind of like a return investment

where you may take a loss but you reap a higher dividend.

I thought you told me

that a fool and his money were soon parted.

Well, that's one saying, sir, but the other one is,

it is better to give than to receive.

That's why there's a Thanksgiving Day,

and not a Thanksgetting Day, sir.

Most of all, sir, I learned that the buck starts right here.

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.