Original subtitles

MORK: Na-no, na-no!

(upbeat theme playing)

(upbeat theme playing)

(both chuckling)

Cathy, I was just saying to Dad

that we hardly get a chance to see you two anymore.

You're gone so often. Cathy: I know.

I have missed our wicked little stepmother-stepdaughter talks,

but it really has been a busy concert season.

I'll say. Cathy plays wonderful flute,

but maybe I've been working her too hard.

Lately, she's been eating her celery like this.

Hey, you didn't finish your eggplant.

All right, shoot it to me straight.

Is it too spicy? Too much garlic. Not enough rosemary.

No, it was delicious, Remo. I'm just watching my figure.

You don't have to.

Every guy in the place is watching it for you.

(Cathy chuckles)

You lucky old dog, you.

I didn't... I didn't mean old, I meant...

Well, you're older than me.

Well, excuse me while I go away flustered.

(chuckles) Oh, what's happened to Mork?

Wasn't he just going out to check the movie times?

The phone's right outside.

It shouldn't take him 20 minutes to call the theater.

Oh, Min. Min, Min, Min, Min, Min.

Min, Min, I'm so excited.

We're gonna go see a movie tonight.

I hope it's a musical comedy with an "ar-ar" rating.

Well, what took so long?

Well, I was on the phone with this wonderful woman.

She was real nice. She gave me all the times for the theaters.

I would have been here earlier, but she kept repeating herself.

I didn't wanna hang up. You know, it might be rude.

Mork, I think that was a recording.

Oh, really? Well, it'll never make the top ten.

It's got a nice beat, but it's hard to dance to.

Well, I've got all the theater times right here, Min,

and there are 14 theaters where it's playing.

See? At cinema one at 6, 8, and 10,

cinema two at 7, 9, and 11,

cinema three at...

What time does our movie start?

Oh.

Well, I'll get back to you in 20 minutes.

No, no, no. Heh. No, no, no.

Let's just drive over there and take our chances.

Mork, I can never tell when you're serious.

Oh, neither can I, but it's usually when I go like this:

Um, I'm really looking forward to seeing 10.

10? If I had known we were gonna see 10,

I would've had my suspenders cornrowed.

You know, I saw the movie when Fred was out of town,

and it's so funny, I wanted him to see it too.

Eh, it sounds a little far-fetched.

I mean, who would believe an attractive, young woman

falling for an older, middle-aged ma...?

Well, maybe art does tend to imitate life.

Hey. Fred?

Fred McConnell?

Bob Turnbow.

I haven't seen you since high school. Hey.

Say, I'd like you to meet my wife, Cathy,

and my daughter, Mindy, and my, uh, Mork.

That's, uh, me. Na-no.

Pleased to meet you, Bob.

My God. Fred, your wife, she's beautiful.

You're very beautiful.

Hey, you old dog.

How did you meet her? Was she helping you cross the street?

(laughs)

Just kidding.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I always have enjoyed your sense of humor, Bob.

Me too, Bob. Look under the hat for another surprise.

Uh, say, Bob, uh...

You know, it's amazing,

but you look the same as you did years ago.

Exactly the same.

Well, I'll tell you my secret, Fred.

Plastic surgery. Changed my whole life.

I improved my best parts and threw out all the rest.

Listen, I-I gotta run.

Say goodbye to that beautiful,

young wife of yours, will you?

Ho, ho, ho, ho. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Listen, I'm sorry I gotta fly,

but I'm meeting my date at Rawhide's.

We're riding double on the mechanical bull.

Ya-hoo.

Eh. Improved his best parts.

I'd be happy with what he threw away.

Oh, come on. Cheer up, Pops.

You know, wine improves with age.

Cheese improves with age.

It's not your fault that you're not wine or cheese.

(upbeat theme playing)

MORK: Come on, Bebs, try another trick. That's it!

Oh, yea.

Play dead!

Oh, those amazing noggachomps.

(Oh, wonderful. { knocking on door)

Rigger mortis...

Shh! There's an Earthling at the door, Bebs.

Either slip into your boomer costume

or take a hike. Come on.

(speaks native language)

Fetch.

(chattering)

Entrez!

Pops.

Oh, hi, Mork. Is, uh, Mindy home?

Oh, no. She's in the tub right now with Mr. Suds.

What I want to talk to her about,

it's, uh... Well, it's kind of personal.

Personal. Ah-ha.

Oh, I see.

It's part of your McConnell life that I can't McShare.

It's all right. I understand.

After I insulted you last night at the restaurant, that...

Well, even though I was doing it in friendship, that...

I can accept this. I-I can.

Yes, I... I can accept it. I can even live with it. Mm-hm.

He hates me.

Oh, Mork. Oh, Mork. No, no, no.

I don't need your pity. I don't need your pity.

Mork, Mork, Mork, I didn't mean to offend you.

I just... I-I'm just troubled about something.

Oh. I've always hoped that you would look to me as a son

because I've always looked to you as, well, um,

Mindy's father.

Let's seize this moment to make our relationship closer.

Let me in, Fred.

Well,

okay.

Now, this is just between you and me, Mork.

Shh, shh.

All right.

I've been to a plastic surgeon.

Why? Couldn't you find a real one?

She is a real one.

Dr. Charlotte Dubin. She's one of the best.

You see, I'm 15 years older than Cathy,

and while I can't make myself her age,

I can make myself a lot younger.

Oh, you mean you humans can change your appearance?

Oh, this will make an interesting report to Orson.

Oh, sure, everybody's doing it. You can lift your eyes,

and fill in your chin, and fill out your cheeks.

Oh, that's wonderful. Could they move your nose down here?

It would be so much more convenient. Right next to here.

I'm doing this for Cathy.

I spent a lot of years alone. And now that I have her,

I'm gonna do anything I can to keep her interested in me.

Oh, come on, Pops. I mean, I'm sure she likes you

the way you are. I do.

Thank you, Mork.

Aw, shucks, and wazoo. Heh-heh.

Well, there's nothing wrong in looking your best,

especially for somebody you love.

Well, anyway, thanks for listening, Mork.

Oh, you sure you don't want to tell Mind? It's wonderful news.

Well, on second though, I've gotten it off my chest now.

I think I'll just save it for later and surprise her.

All right. Mork,

you've really helped me make up my mind.

Tomorrow at 4:00, I'm gonna be a new man.

Well, now that we've helped you remove your troubles,

there's something I've always wondered about.

Do you think Orson Welles should be made a national park?

You know, I've...

I've often wondered about that too.

So long, Mork.

Hey, M... Have you seen my eyeliner pencil?

Oh, yes. I was using it to play connect-the-dot on my chest.

And it was amazing.

It made this picture of Marie Osmond with hairy teeth.

I'll bet it did. Mm-hm.

Well, I need it to complete my makeup.

Makeup? On vous? Oui.

Oh, Min, Min, Min. No, no.

I mean, would you stain the Painted Desert?

Would you flock the giant redwoods?

Would you fill the Grand Canyon with Cheez Whiz?

I say "nay." Nay, nay, nay, nay.

Oh. Well, thank you very much.

No, no, Min. You see,

you're very, very special.

I mean, the way your nose kind of veers to the left,

and the way your eyes sparkle, especially the greener one.

And the way your chin comes to that lovely point,

so convenient for opening beer cans.

Well, thank you, Mork,

but we all could use a little improvement.

Oh, especially for those you care about.

Right, Min? Right.

Min, remember the movie we saw, 10?

Yeah.

Who's your perfect ten?

Well, present company excepted...

Oh, bless you.

Well, I guess there are always the old standbys.

Newman, Redford, and Cronkite. Hm.

But I always thought that...

I thought that maybe I'd like to meet a guy like my dad.

I guess through my eyes,

he's always sort of been the perfect ten to me.

Listen, I gotta dry my hair. I'm gonna be late.

Oh. Oh, allow me, Mind! Allow me!

Oh, you do hair too?

(with Hispanic accent): Oh, honey, I do anything I can.

Let's just give you a little blow-dry here.

(imitates blow-dryer whooshing)

Ah. That's all we can afford today.

Let's work on it now.

First we'll tease it. Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Yesterday, this woman came in. She said,

"Make me look like Cheryl Tiegs."

I said, "Honey, I'm a beautician, not a magician."

Come on, now.

Boy she... I can tell you.

She wanted me to give her a facial.

I said, "I don't have a sandblaster."

Oh, whoa, this is incredible.

I looked... This other lady came in.

She liked to look like the Bo Derek. Like that.

So I said to her... I put magnetic beads in her hair,

and she followed a bus for a mile.

(laughs)

Let's see, one more blow-dry.

Oh, there you are.

You're all done. Get back on the street.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mork.

Bless you, child. Thank you very much.

Bless you.

(normal voice): Susan B. Anthony. Hm.

(chuckles)

Well, I guess I could use a little improvement.

Ooh.

All those years of sitting on my face

are beginning to show.

I never should have sat on wicker.

Well, I guess this is it.

Pops said I should do it for someone I care about.

Yeah, I'll do it for Mind.

That's it. That's right.

I'm gonna do it. Mork's new look.

Maybe I'll be like Diane Von Secondberg.

"Will someone loosen my hair so I can blink?"

(upbeat theme playing)

You have to let them know you're here.

Oh, thank you.

I'm here!

Oh. Voice-activated shutters.

May I help you?

Oh, yes. Hello, doc.

I've got a list of changes I'd like...

Oh, no, no. I'm not Dr. Dubin.

No, I'm the receptionist. Oh.

What's your name? Mork.

M... O... Is that your first name or your last name?

Yes, it is.

I see.

No, I-C spells "ic." M-O-R-K spells Mork.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you must be the man who called in

and wanted to the doctor to shoot the works.

That's me. M-E.

Okay.

Well, the doctor will be with you in a few minutes.

Thank you!

See? Worked the same way.

I liked that... Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well...

Wouldn't it be funny if the Broncos played the Colts?

They'd have to call a "foal."

is this doctor any good?

Well, she certainly is.

She helped my husband when he had his crow's feet.

Oh, crow's feet.

Boy, those can really tear up the carpet, can't they?

Let me guess. Your husband had crow's feet.

You have frog's legs.

Ar-ar-ar-ar! Ar-ar-ar-ar.

No. Oh.

Actually,

I'm getting her nose.

Oh, really?

You know what I'd say if I were her?

(muffled voice): "What do you want to do that for?"

I didn't mean to make fun of you.

What are you having done?

(normal voice): Well, I'm shooting the works.

I'm gonna have my face tucked, my cheeks pinched,

and my bags packed.

Sir, the doctor will see you now.

Thank you. Good luck.

(muffled voice): Don't worry. Everything will be fine.

Would you like to go in there and have a seat?

Oh, seat? No thanks. That part's okay.

(upbeat theme playing)

(upbeat theme playing)

Mindy, have you noticed anything strange about your dad?

Strange? No, why?

Well, he's... He's been acting a little unusual lately.

Like the other day, he asked me if I thought

he would look younger with his fringe permed.

Dad said that? Yes.

He, uh... He passed it off as a joke, but I'm not so sure.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

He's probably just going through a little phase.

I hope so.

The other night, we were sitting

in front of the fireplace sipping wine.

It was very romantic.

And he looked me right in the eye, and he said,

"Cathy, darling, do you realize when you're 65,

I'll be dead?"

(laughs)

Whoa. That sounds like the middle-aged crazies.

I don't know what's making him act this way.

I really have never said anything

to make him defensive about his age.

Oh, listen, Cathy.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to Dad.

Maybe he feels like he doesn't deserve you.

Oh, Mindy, any woman would be lucky

to have a man like your father.

Well, maybe he just needs to hear that more often.

But it's so obvious.

I mean, I even told Mork this morning.

Mork? Yes.

He came over to borrow a cup of Liquid-Plumr.

Anyway, then he asked me,

"What do you think is a perfect ten?"

And I said, "Fred."

(knocking on door) You know, that's funny.

He asked me the same question,

and I gave him the same answer.

(chuckles)

Well, hi, Lola and Stephanie. What a surprise.

Hi, Mindy. We came over to see Mork.

Oh.

Do you have any ice cream you're not using?

Well, yeah.

There's some over there in the fridge.

I know.

Oh.

Uh, no, Lola, Mork hasn't gotten home yet.

Oh. I wanted to see how he turned out.

Oh, did you know him when he was a little boy?

(chuckles)

Your friend has a delightful sense

of the absurd.

(chuckles)

Uh, this is Cathy. Hi.

Lola, what did you mean by how Mork turned out?

He left the daycare center early today

to go to a plastic surgeon.

A plastic surgeon? What for?

I heard him say he was going to shoot the works.

Shoot the works?

Did he happen to mention what doctor he was gonna go see?

Sure, he called from the center. It was Dr. Dubin.

Dr. Dubin. Great. Thanks a lot, Lola.

You've been a big help.

I'll just look it up in the phone book.

I hope Mork doesn't get too many things changed.

He had such a charming, Chaplin-esque quality.

Come on, Stephanie.

And you know you're out of whipped cream again.

MINDY: Oh. I know.

(upbeat theme playing)

I hope we're not too late.

Yeah.

Fred?

Dad.

How's my little girl?

Did you bring him here?

Him? Who, him? MINDY: Mork.

No. Nice talking to you.

Fred, who did you bring here?

Well, just little old me.

Well, what would you be doing at a plastic surgeon's?

Well, what would you be doing at a plastic surgeon's?

Well, we came here looking for Mork.

What would Mork be doing at a plastic surgeon?

He doesn't have bags under his eyes.

Oh.

Oh, Fred. What are you talking about?

May I help you?

No!

No. I mean, I like the way I look.

Um, a friend of mine came here named Mork.

Oh. Yes. Mork. I remember him.

He's the guy that asked for some changes

that would make Mr. Potato Head proud.

What did he have done?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Patient information is confidential.

(laughing)

Oh, no.

She said that Mork was here, but he left.

Where would Mork get the idea that he needs plastic surgery?

Got me.

(scoffs)

Well, I guess, uh, he got the idea from me.

Oh, great. Well, we better get home.

Lord knows what he's had done.

I swear I didn't... I didn't know anything about it.

Cancel my appointment. I'll be back later.

Anything you say, handsome.

(upbeat theme playing)

Mork, are you there?

MORK: No, I'm here. You're there. Ar.

Oh.

What are you doing in the armoire?

I'm just waiting for you to come home

so I can make a grand entrance.

Oh. Why haven't I gotten used to moments like these?

(humming fanfare music)

(gasps)

Oh, no.

(as Fred): Hi, hon. How's my little girl?

Cathy, you look great.

Hi, hon. You look great too.

I don't believe this.

You know, he does look vaguely familiar.

You know, he does look vaguely familiar.

Now, cut that out!

Now, cut that out!

Mork.

You see, that's the latest thing from Yves Saint-Laufred.

It's a... Notice the new wraparound hairline

that any Hare Krishna would envy.

Mork, what are you doing?

Well, when I'm not dropping in

on my perky daughter and her madcap roommate,

I'm home with my lovely wife, Cathy,

and saying, "How's my love kitten?"

Mork.

Mork.

I feel like I'm listening to bald stereo.

We thought you did something ridiculous

at the plastic surgeon's.

(normal voice): Doctor laughed me out of the office.

So I had to do something ridiculous on my own.

Yeah. Where'd you get that thing?

Pierre Trudeau.

Margaret said it was one of his throwaways.

Aw, Min, didn't fool you?

Well, you had me going for a minute,

but the latex stretch marks gave you away.

That's very cute, Mork, but why are you me?

Well, you always say that you have to look better

for those you care about,

and both Cathy and Mindy said that you were a ten.

And I thought, "Well, with all my other qualities,

I-I might be an 11."

Oh, I guess I've done wrong, haven't I?

No, Mork. We just like you better the way you were.

Oh. I see. I've made another mistake.

I've bitten the big Watata again.

That's all right. If I only had a broom,

I could leave here like Emmett Kelly.

It's all right.

Pathetic figure departs.

Excuse me while I go help my pathetic friend.

You said I was a ten?

With a capital T.

All right, now, look, I know what you're thinking,

that a wife has a right to know

when her husband is gonna rotate his parts.

But look, you're so pretty, and you're...

Well, all right, I'll say it. You're so young.

I mean, you don't even have a wrinkle.

You don't even pucker when you soak.

Oh. Are you finished, old-timer?

Yes.

Sit down, Fred.

If you want to have plastic surgery, that's fine.

It is? Sure.

If you're doing it for you.

But if you're doing it to look better for me,

then you're making a big mistake.

But I wanna feel like I belong with you.

Fred,

you are the most beautiful man in the world.

You're kind, you're loving, you're sensitive,

and it's written all over your face.

Don't erase a line.

That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

Something's wrong, Min. They're not even talking.

Heh. Well, I guess we better be going.

Yes, it's getting late. It's almost 7:30.

7:30, Min, hm?

Listen, I just want you to know

that I've taken another look at this face,

and you know something?

It ain't so bad after all.

And, Mork, next time you do me,

I use my left hand when I say,

"How's my little girl?"

(as Fred): How's my little girl?

Goodbye, kids.

Yeah, we two tens are going home. Good night.

Cute couple, Mind.

Oh, aren't they?

Well, it's almost 7:30, huh?

You know what that means, don't you?

No. Do you?

Brady Bunch reruns. Oh.

(upbeat theme playing)

MORK: Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, your beer-belliness.

♪ Roll out the Orson ♪

(as Lawrence Welk): Thank you, Judy and the Sissy,

for that lovely melody.

ORSON: It is customary, Mork, to respect one's superiors.

(normal voice): Hear that? No gratitude from His Fatitude.

Give a little attitude... ORSON: Your report, Mork!

This week, sir,

I learned that Earthlings can change their appearance.

They wear shoes to make them taller,

girdles to make them thinner, wigs to make them hairier.

Then they say, "Darling,

why can't you accept me for what I am?"

ORSON: Bizarre.

Yes, sir, and their "bizarres" are padded, also.

Wait till you hear this, sir. Some Earthlings go to doctors

to have bumps removed from their noses,

and you won't believe where they put them.

ORSON: Do these changes make humans look better, Mork?

Oh, I don't know about that, sir,

but they must make them feel better.

But I think some of these changes are unnecessary.

You see, most Earthlings change themselves

because they don't think they look good to others

when the real problem is, sir,

they don't look good enough to themselves.

Pity, huh?

On that, sir, good night, and until next week,

na-no, na-no.

(upbeat theme playing)

(upbeat theme playing)