Original subtitles

Na-no, na-no!

Thanks for driving me to work, Mind.

Oh hello, Mork.

Mindy. Hi.

I'm glad you're here early, Mork.

I have bad news.

Mr. Paul Simpson...

The man we lease this daycare center from

also owns the roller-disco place

across the street.

Our lease is up at the end of the month,

and Mr. Simpson isn't going to renew it.

He's going to tear down the daycare center

and make it a parking lot for the skating rink.

Oh, no. He can't do that.

What'll happen to the munchkins?

They can't play hopscotch in the fast lane.

God only knows.

Mr. Simpson called, and he's going to

come over here this morning and explain things.

If he appears, I'll be back in a second.

But...

Oh, Mork.

We've gotta put our heads together.

Those little kids are gonna be thrown out in the street.

I'll Give Mr. Simpson a piece of my mind

or at least a hunk of my frontal lobe, there Mind.

I mean, eviction of munchkins?

Well, that's... That's rude.

I mean, we can't be mean to kids.

Wha... This isn't a Joan Crawford daycare centre.

It's... Ooh... Ooh...

If it's the Paul Simpson,

he's really a powerful man.

I mean, he owns half of Boulder.

Well, we'll just have to tell Mr. The Paul Simpson

that's he's dealing with Mork the defender.

Ooh. He's making my jaws tight, Mind.

If I ever see him, I'm gonna give him what for.

Then again, what five. Excuse me.

Give him what six. What six-and-a-half.

I'm Paul Simpson.

Oh, what for.

Oh, please!

Don't throw the little Yodas out,

Massa Simpson!

Please, don't you understand?

I mean, you can't tear down the orphanage.

Then Little Orphan Annie and Oliver Twist

will be thrown out in the cold, picked up by Fagan,

and forced to lie, cheat, and steal.

Then he'll take them to Hollywood

and work in B movies.

Mork... lighten up.

Ooh. And it's not an orphanage.

It's a daycare center.

Who ever heard of Little Daycare Center Annie?

Excuse me, Mr. Simpson, um, but if...

If you tear down the day-care center,

what'll the kids do when their parents go to work?

Oh, I don't wanna see this place torn down.

But I'm not doing it. My son is.

You mean you don't own the roller disco?

Well, technically I do.

But I bought the place and gave it to my son.

Can't you tell him not to tear this place down?

Oh, I have to let him do it his way.

He's always been... irresponsible.

A troublemaker.

The only thing he can do well is skate.

So I bought that rink and gave it to him,

hoping it would... straighten him up.

It seems to be working, so I'm not going to interfere.

Um...

I can understand your concern for your son,

but what about all those little kids?

Well, I'm going to wait here for Mrs. Fallow.

Why don't you go down and talk to my son, Wheels?

Wheels? Is... Is that a family name?

His real name is Carol.

Some reason he prefers to be called Wheels.

Oh, that guy is really good.

Maybe.

Haven't been skating in such a long time.

I hope I don't fall down and hurt myself.

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy. What's the big deal here?

We're not flying to the moon.

Just talking a little skating.

A little gravity, a little friction.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's not that easy, Mork.

Have you ever done it?

Mindy, how hard can it be?

I mean, you've got four wheels on each foot.

Ever seen an 8-wheeler tip over?

A Peterbilt go pfft? No way.

Come on home, Mama. Take anything you need.

Ah, see.

Ta-da. No big deal.

Oh, no big deal. You're walking on the carpet.

Oh, Mindy. I mean, we Orkans are born balancers.

I mean, we can waltz on water.

We can tap-dance on tapioca. See this?

Watch out there.

We can also polka on the head of a pin.

You know, we... We... We...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Mork, you all right?

Mind?

Can you please help me up?

Oh, Mork, you shouldn't balance on your nose.

I just don't understand how those 8-wheelers stay upright.

Oh... Good, here comes Wheels.

Why don't we catch him while he's alone?

It's all right, Mindy. I'm okay. I'm all right.

Y-You go on. I-I just have a little cramp in my shoelace.

I'll be okay. I'm a superior being.

Okay.

Come back, Mind.

Oh... Mind... Mind... Mi...

Ah!

My name is Mindy McConnell,

and I have a friend who'd like to talk to you.

Where is your friend? He can talk to me

while I'm scraping up the gum.

He's over here...

or somewhere.

Where could he be?

Would you get to the point? Wheels is busy.

Here, you gotta sign there.

All right, but I'm not gonna sign it "Carol."

I'm signing it, "Wheels."

I shouldn't be

the one that talks to you about this

because, uh, Mork is the one who has the bone to pick.

Mork, come here.

Uh, you must be Wheels.

And you must be toes.

Har-har. Oh, you kid.

Oh, actually, I'm Mork from the daycare center.

You go to daycare center?

Shoot, I was in jail at your age.

He works there.

Uh, I suppose you know the reasons

why you shouldn't tear it down.

Nope. Nope.

There's a negative echo in here, is there, Mindy?

What... What about the children?

Oh, well, we'll try to get most of 'em out

before we flatten the place.

Wait a minute here,

what kind of a human being are you?

What kind of a... Why... What kind... Why?

You big turkey! He doesn't even

know how to skate!

Now look, chicky-poo,

if you don't like the way I do business,

you can get your perky, little pigtails out of here.

Whoa!

Mind. Mind.

Mind. Uh-oh. Oh-oh.

Whoa!

A-Are you sure I can't change your mind

about that daycare center?

You've got as much chance of that

as you do of out skating me.

W-Whoa...

Whoa...

Mork, I'm gonna fall.

I accept the bet.

What bet?

Will you let go of me?!

Oh. Now, what bet?

Oh! Ah!

Mind. Mind.

Well, you said...

that if I beat you in skating,

you'd change your mind.

Well, I accept your challenge.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Mm-hmm.

I didn't say that.

Oh, are we discoing to a different beat now, Mr. Thing?

Yeah?

Hm?

You hear that, everybody?

Wheels the professional says that he doesn't wanna

race Mork, the beginner. Huh?

Whoa.

Mind, he's quaking in his skates right now,

isn't he?

Hey, Wheels. They're laughin' at you.

Don't be silly. I'm not afraid of him.

Okay, I'll race him.

Ha!

You hear that, everybody?!

He accepted my challenge, Mind.

Well, you can't beat him.

Oh, shh. Mind.

Now, I am a superior alien being.

Remember that.

Remember that.

Okay, then let's get this straight.

If Mork wins then the daycare center stays.

And if you win, it becomes a parking lot.

Hey, what difference is it gonna make anyway, huh?

How many laps around the rink, clown?

Clown?

No home-rink advantage for you.

Mm-mm. No way.

Here comes the superior part, Mind.

Watch this.

This is the only rink in Boulder.

Where ya suppose to skate?

We're gonna skate... in the Rockies.

Shh.

The Rocky Mountains?

That's the superior part?

We're gonna start up at Eagle Point...

skate down, through Boulder Mountain Park...

end up at the mall.

That's 10 miles and steep. And there might be snow.

Ooh, a little bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk, hm?

Are we writing a little check with our mouth,

that our feet can't cash maybe? Hm?

You don't know.

Are you in, big guy, or not?

I guess I'm in.

Saturday. High noon.

Be there or be square.

Mind, he bought the oldest trick in the book.

It's in the solar-system guide book.

Yeah?

What this one:

You're a rink skater. But up there on the mountain,

where there's no strobe light, no disco beat

and no spandex...

we're equal.

Well, I gotta admire a guy that can put one over on me.

Wheels, why don't you let the smart guy

read your belt buckle?

Sure, I enjoy a little light reading.

"Colorado State Rink, Street Cross-Country...

Skate Champion."

Pretty.

You know, Mindy,

Mork simply doesn't have a chance to win that race.

Oh, I agree.

He got up before dawn to start training.

That was six hours ago.

Mm. He seems to have a will, but there's no way.

I think I hear Rocky now.

Oh...

are you all right? Ow! Ah!

Oh. Ah...

Oh, Mork, what's wrong?

Oh. Mind...

y-you see this finger?

Yeah.

That's the only part of my body that doesn't hurt.

And that's because I think it's a clean break.

Let me help you.

Oh... Hello, Fred.

Mork, you look terrible.

Oh, I was all right, Fred, until I skinned my eyes.

Ahh...!

You'll never guess who I ran into, Mindy.

Who?

Well, you beat me. But no fair.

You took a shortcut through the rose hedge.

Oh, uh, Dad, this is Glenda Faye Comstock.

We went to high school together.

Yes, yes.

I've always liked you, Mr. McConnell.

How... Yes.

Uh, where'd you run into Glenda Faye?

Well... He ran into me here,

then here, and a little later,

right down here.

Mindy, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

I'd like to powder my bruises.

Oh, sure.

Excuse me.

Well, I really admire your spirit.

Six hours of training.

Where did you go?

Well, Mind, you wouldn't believe this,

but I went all the way around the block.

How many times?

Times?

Mork, you can't learn to skate like a professional in a week.

Oh, Fred, I've gotta.

I've gotta do it for the kids.

And... besides, I can't lose.

Mm-mm. No way.

Why can't you lose?

Well, because this is the land of the home.

Free of the brave.

'Cause the good guys always win, and that's me.

Uh, who says the good guys always win?

Oh, Fred. Movies, television.

I mean, look at that. I mean, it's the American way.

I mean, when's the last time you saw Genghis Khan

ride off into the sunset?

All right, you little Mongols,

head your little ponies up.

Or when's the last time you saw Peter Lorre

ride off into the sunset?

Happy trails To you ♪

♪ Until We meet again ♪

You're very pretty.

You see, it's determination.

Determination. It's a little...

The little skater who thought he could.

Ah-ah, I think I can. I think I can.

Can. Yes, I can, can. Yes I ca...

Ah...

See? Determination, Fred.

And that's what I've got lots of.

My middle name is "Mr. D."

Good afternoon, fellow Boulderites.

I'll be receiving reports

throughout the course of the race

by spotters using walkie-talkies.

And I see by the old watch on the wrist...

that the race is about to start.

Yes, our two daredevils should be

getting ready to start the race right about now,

up at the top of Eagles Peak.

Now, you know your route. - Right.

You go down Oak Street, you turn onto Pearl,

and then you go right into Boulder mall.

Boulder mall. Well, too bad they don't make those

in loafers, huh, Mind?

Look at that helmet.

He looks like Amelia Earhart.

Hey, he's nothing.

Watch out for the potholes. Potholes, yeah.

And the ice. It's slippery. Yeah, yeah tha...

Ah!

Like that. Oh, like that.

And keep your vest buttoned.

You don't want to catch a cold. Oh. Oh.

Thanks, Mother Mind.

Hello, Wheels.

Hello, sleazy second. Say hi to the warden.

I got everything we need in the van.

And I put them tires where you told me to.

Good. I know I can beat this turkey,

but I don't wanna take any chances.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay, boys. Let's get this over with.

Oh, good luck, Mork.

You can do it, I hope.

Sure I can, Mind. I've trained for a week.

On your mark... Oh.

Get set...

Oh. I forgot to wish him good luck.

May the best... Excuse me, I think...

go. Well...

Think you better shoot again.

He's a little far away. I don't think he heard it.

What kinda start was that?

A nice, clean start.

Mm, get going! Oh.

Mork, go! Oh, oh, oh.

Go! Come on! Go!

I'm going, Mind. I'm going. Hurry!

I can do it.

'Cause the good guys always win.

Now, all it takes is a little total concentration.

Now, I can't let anything distract me.

Orson calling Mork. Come in, Mork.

Not now, Orson. I'm busy!

Gotta get an unlisted head.

I wonder who left those tires in the middle of...

Oh, no! Someone could...

Where did you come from?

Oh, little spot called death's door.

I'd like to talk about the start of that race.

You see, where I come from,

it's usually ready, set, bang, skate,

not ready, set, skate, bang.

I know it's a very subtle difference, but...

Where'd you come from?

How did you get beside those tires?

What tires?

What tires ar... Hmm.

I'm rapidly mounting suspicions here.

I know there's something wrong, but I can't pinpoint it.

Look who caught up to Mr. Champion.

I'm glad. It makes this easier.

Ah, ah. Ahh.

Ooh, hope I land on something sof...

Ah!

I heard pine was a soft wood.

Oh,

Mork!

Here, let me help you. Take my arm.

It's painful. I know.

Get a grip. Thank you.

Are you okay? Oh...

Mind, I thought the good guys always win.

Not when the bad guys cheat.

Yeah, but I don't wanna cheat, Mind.

I don't wanna do anything rash.

Well, be rash. How are you gonna catch him?

Well, it's a drastic measure, but I could always

induce translinear phaser molecular motion.

Could you translate that into earthling, please?

Well, basically it's a time warp, Mind.

But I can't do it for very long,

and I don't know if I have enough time to catch him anyway.

Mork, at this point you gotta try anything you can.

Look who's telling me to cheat.

I'm not telling you to cheat.

He's the one that's cheating.

And anyway, you're doing it for the kids.

Yeah, the little munchkins. You're right, Mind.

I'll see you at the finish line, if I don't burn up on re-entry.

Oh... Big kiss.

All right.

Good luck.

Thank you, I... Well, I can't catch him

on the road. Have to take a shortcut.

Au revoir.

Wait a minute, you're gonna skate

down there, through the grass?

He's skating through the grass.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I just got word from one of our spotters

that Wheels Simpson is in town

and headed toward the finish line.

Mork is... nowhere in sight.

Well, it looks like Wheels is an easy winner,

ladies and gentlemen.

Wheels is coming down the...

Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen.

Our spotter says that Mork is in town,

and skating towards the mall.

Why are you slowing down?

Use your time warp.

I'm all warped out, Mind.

I don't get it. The bad guys are winning.

The good guys are here, sucking air.

Oh, you can do it. What about all that talk

about determination and drive?

You're right, Mind. I can't let a little thing

like physical exhaustion stop me.

Right. Go. I got drive.

You wanna see drive? Yeah!

Next stop: the winner's circle. Good.

Here I go, Mind.

Here I go! Mork.

Oh, I know. I know.

Oh, they're neck and neck, ladies and gentlemen.

What a race. Wait a minute.

What's that guy doing?

Let him by, you yutz-o!

Holy smoke, did you see that?!

Mork! Mork!

You can do it, Mork.

Yeah, you're right.

This one's for you, munchkin.

All right. Is your last name Gipper?

Are you all right?!

Okay, he's all right, ladies and gentlemen.

Mork, Mork! Mind! Mind!

Mind. Oh, oh. I can't believe it.

- You won. You won! - Oh, oh.

The kids are so excited.

Oh, shucks and wazoo, Mind.

Way to go, Mork.

What you did took a lot of courage...

Oh. And stupidity.

Oh, thank you. We're all

very proud of you, Mork.

Swell. This is really exciting, Mind.

I beat the best, didn't I? Yeah, you did.

I guess that makes me top skate, now doesn't it?

People skating all over the country

going "Yo! Yo!"

Ah, maybe I should open up my own roller-disco rink. Maybe?

So I could teach John Q. Public

how to really skate right.

I've learned some basic moves, Mind.

Besides... Ah.

Watch yourself!

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, your equatorship.

I'm here, Mork. What's your report this week?

Well, sir, this week I raced a human

on roller skates, and won.

What did you win?

Oh, the race, sir.

The real winners were the children

who got to keep their daycare center.

Do earthlings always race on skates?

Oh, No, sir. There are different kinds of races.

There's dog races, horse races, auto races...

It sounds like racing is very popular there, Mork.

Well, sir, it is.

The most wonderful race of all could be the human race...

if they'd only realize that they're all on the same team.

All they need is some kind of international referee.

You know, s...

Oh, bing.

You know, sir...

I think I look awfully good

in black-and-white stripes, don't you?

Try and follow me on this one.

Brezhnev. Fifteen miles, illegal invasion!

Castro, you're out of the game! Smoking in the huddle!

Amin, you'd be out of the game too,

if we could find you!

Whoa! There you are, little sucker.

Until next week, sir...

na-no, na-no.