Original subtitles

Nanu, nanu!

This is gonna be fun.

I haven't had home-cooked Chinese food

since Uncle Chin Ho came to visit.

I didn't know you had an Oriental...

You don't?

It's a joke?

Yeah. Ha-ha.

Oh, hi, Mork. You're home early.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm back later.

Hello, Min. Hi.

Hello, my little knish.

Well, Min,

wish me bon voyage, bon chance,

et bon appétit.

I'm on my way. I wanna become a globetrotter.

Oh, you're too short and too pale.

No, no. No, I wanna become a world traveler.

I mean, I'm talking jet-setter, one of the beautiful people.

I'm talking terminal Gucci, daiquiris at dawn.

Ah.

So that's what all those brochures are for, huh?

You bet your airfare.

The world's my oyster, I'm gonna pry that little sucker open,

shell out a few clams, and go looking for my pearl.

Oh, yeah? And where are you gonna dig up enough clams

to be able to travel?

I'll write a book entitled,

"How to Make $6 Million in a Month."

And I'll have to read it eventually, but...

Oh, listen. I've also got a plan.

I'll sell spot remover.

Here's how it works.

Here, Spot, come here.

Mork, uh...

Oh, Min, look at the wonderful places I can go to, though.

Visit Tibet, and "Dalai" with the Lama.

Visit Moscow and see the future stars of the New York Ballet.

Visit Encino, home of rayon.

Why the sudden urge to travel?

Well, Min, I'm reading the news, and you know there's

♪ Bombing in Bombay, hey Chaos in Colombia ♪

♪ Terrorism in Tehran ♪

♪ I want to see the world Or what's left of it ♪

♪ Today ♪

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Mm.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Boy, something smells real good.

When Remo comes, we'll have an authentic Chinese dinner.

Ah. Uh-uh, no Peking.

Well, Min, I know.

I know you're hungry, and I want to travel.

Let's combine the two. Like, we'll go to China.

I know this incredible kosher delicatessen

in downtown Shanghai. It's called "Haimy's."

We'll go there and have moo goo kreplach.

I'm afraid that still takes

a little more money than you have, Mork.

You're right. I haven't got enough to make it to the couch.

Well, I do, but I haven't got enough to get back.

Well, you know,

there are ways of traveling without spending too much money.

Well, tell us, Miss Consumer Advocate.

Lay a few on me.

Well, there are clubs that give you discount rates.

And in some situations, you can even work off your passage.

Yeah. I'll work my passage till it falls off.

Oh. I can imagine myself on a boat right now.

I'll haul some keel. I'll batten down those hatches.

I'll cheer up the stern, I'll drink some port

and list to starboard.

Oh, nuts. I forgot the bamboo chutes.

Okay. Why don't I run down to the market

and get some for you?

Tell you what. I'll go with you.

I could use a little break from Morko Polo here.

We'll be back in about ten minutes, Morko.

Oh. How'd you know I was here?

I didn't. Wow, Noja vu.

Well, we're just gonna run to the store

so dinner will be ready in about half an hour.

Remo, don't start without us.

And it's the Patriots' ball now.

Johnson handing off...

Yo, Remo.

No time for niceties now.

I got ten bucks on this football game,

and I can't watch it at home.

Why, is your TV broken?

No, it's got a slight case

of beer bottle in the picture tube.

Yesterday's game. I got the guy coming tomorrow

to de-Schlitz it.

You got any beer?

No, I guess you'll just have to throw some wine.

Remo,

I've got a problem. I wanna travel.

Yeah, yeah. Go! Go! Go!

That's easy for you to say, but how do you do it?

How do you do it without airfare?

Run, you meatball, run!

I don't think so. I mean, China's a long way.

If the distance doesn't get you, the tariffs will. The sharks...

Ah, timeout. All right.

Come on, come on, come on!

All right, what I was trying to ask was

how can you work and travel at the same time?

Do what I did. Join the Air Force.

The Air Force?

Yeah, they don't pay you very much,

but you get to see everywhere.

They pay you? Oh, that's wonderful.

I gotta talk to them and join that club.

Yeah, you join up, the next thing you know,

you're in the wild blue yonder.

If they send you to L.A., you're in the wild brown yonder.

Touchdown! Ha-ha-ha!

Yea! Whoa! Yea!

Why are they spanking that guy?

They're not spanking him. They're pattin' him.

That's congratulations. You know, man stuff.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Snap to the center, here's the snap,

the hold, kick... It's good.

Extra point's good.

The Patriots are killing the Oilers.

It serves the Oilers right for charging more than a dollar

for a gallon of gas.

Nah.

Slogan.

Air Force slogan.

"Do it in the clouds."

No.

I've got it!

"May the Air Force be with you."

Eeh-h-h-h. Ugh.

I've got to come up with a recruiting slogan.

What was your old one?

The brass just didn't like my old one.

What was it?

"The Air Force isn't so bad."

Well, you convinced me. I wanna join. Yeah?

Yeah, I wanna walk on the wild side.

I wanna meet places and go people.

I can see it all now.

Playing tennis in Monaco. Seeing Princess Grace going:

"Is my sister here?"

I'll goof-off in Guam. All those things.

You sound like real officer material.

No, I don't want an office. I just want an application form.

No, no, no. I'm not a recruiter.

I'm a lieutenant in public relations.

Are they fun?

Oodles.

This is an Air Force base.

The recruiting office is in downtown Boulder.

Just bring them your birth certificate,

driver's license and your social security card.

Well, the only card I got was from a guy downtown

that said, "Live Lady Mud Wrestling. Call Lumpy."

Well, You gotta have those things,

or they're not gonna let you in.

Won't they let me in just on my personality?

I can do an audition piece for them.

This is Blanche Dubois from A Streetcar Named Desire

as Tonto.

I've always been accustomed to the kindness of rangers.

I'm afraid not.

Oh.

You gotta let me in. I wanna travel.

I wanna join your club. Please.

Sorry. Rules are rules.

I know that.

If you're gonna be snooty, you won't get any business.

Look, this is my lunch hour.

Why don't you take a couple of these pamphlets

and read up on the Air Force?

But I'm telling you right now, they're not gonna let you in

unless you have the right papers.

Even if I'm a hard worker?

I'm also a nice guy.

That's it!

The Air Force needs a few nice guys.

All I have to do is convince them

that I'd be a lot of fun on one of their Air Force trips.

♪ Up in the air Junior bird ♪

Eh.

I don't know.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ha-ha. Heh-heh.

Ow.

I know what I can do.

I'll show them how good I look in one of their club costumes.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Oh, look. And it comes with a little disco bag too.

Ooh!

I feel like Frosty the Snowman, only darker.

You guys want some coffee?

You call that brown stuff coffee?

You know, that green stuff we had for lunch today

was worse than the green stuff we had last week.

Yeah, that's because last week it was Jell-O.

Today it's meatloaf.

Well, at least we won't have to worry

about mess hall tonight.

I wonder where they're sending us. Everything's so hush-hush.

Wherever it is, let's hope it's close to a McDonalds.

Give me five.

Hi, there, jet-setters.

Attention!

You're right.

No, there's too much tension as there is already.

Now, come on, let's relax, let's relax.

Send your shoulders down. Here we go.

First of all, do a little of these. Go, "Whoa."

Now let the shoulders go. Let 'em go, let 'em go. Relax.

Bad energy out! Bad energy out!

There. Now that we're relaxed, what's happening?

We're being mobilized, sir.

Oh, punctual me. I'm right on time.

Do you know where we're going, sir?

I give up. Where?

I think he's been at peace too long.

Well, I'm tired of being kept in the dark.

They never tell you anything. I hate that.

You know what I hate? I hate it when you always get

that little piece of popcorn... You eat it,

and it gets way in the back... You eat it and all of a sudden,

your teeth stick together, and you go "Hi, how are you?"

It gets way back there and it's kind of like, uh, fur.

Excuse me, sir, if you don't mind my saying,

may I suggest a little R and R?

Well, if you insist.

Ar-ar-ar-ar.

Attention!

No, no, no. Relaxation. Once again, too much tension.

Try a little yoga for the mantra.

When you get the mantra... Lieutenant.

The man said, "ten-hut!"

Okay! I can't hear you!

Okay.

What's this, your idea of a little joke?

No, my idea of a joke is this:

This chicken walks into a bar, heh...

What's your name?

Mork from Ork.

Wipe that smile off your face.

I suggest, Lieutenant Fromork,

that you start acting more in keeping

with the seriousness of this assignment.

Okay, men.

The truck will be here in ten minutes.

Then you're all going on a little trip.

Where to, sir?

You'll find out soon enough.

But I can tell you this much:

For some of us here tonight, it's gonna be full of hardship,

sacrifice, and great personal danger.

Not me. I'm gonna sign up for tennis, golf, and scuba.

♪ La-da-da-da rule We'll take it ♪

♪ La-da-da-da chance We'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make Our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh ♪

Hi, Mork, is that you?

Let me check. Yep.

Well, I'm really enjoying this day off.

I'm finally getting a chance to do all those things

I never have time to do.

You mean, like cleaning the pool, waxing the dog,

or washing the limo?

Uh, we can't afford a pool, a limo, or a dog.

See how inflation's such a labor-saving device?

Oh, Min, Min, Min, you know...

Oh, no, Min! Attack of the Jolson people!

No, Mindy!

Oh, Minny!

Oh, Minny, Minny, Minny!

Mork, don't touch me.

It's just a facial, to make me look better.

Bad news, Min.

I-I think it's kind of retroactive.

Well, it's supposed to make me look great.

I don't want you looking great,

I like you looking back the old self.

Thanks. So where have you been?

I went to join that travel club Remo told me about.

What travel club?

USAF. USAF?

Yeah, you know. U period, S period, A period, F period.

USAF.

You joined the United States Air Force?

Lieutenant Fromork here. Oh, my...

Oh, not officially.

But I just tagged along on one of their trips.

I can't believe this, Mork.

What do you mean, you tagged along on a trips?

Well, I'm not supposed to tell you.

It was all done on the Q-tip.

Mork, it's against the law

to pose as a member of the military.

You go to jail for that.

Now, where did you go?

They didn't want us to tell.

I can't blame them for trying.

Because it was a crummy place to vacation.

Will you just tell me where you went?

Oh, to some nuclear dump

about 30 miles out of town, as the Geiger counts.

Why would you go there?

They said it was an accident.

But when we got there, it was kind of boring.

I did see some guys playing a game.

There were these 40 guys in lead suits

trying to push this big cracked barrel with long poles.

I don't think anybody won,

but when they finally got into this big, lead room,

they all ran outside

like they had hornets in their pants.

A nuclear accident?

Yeah, something like that. Take care.

Mork?

Min, it was no big deal, really.

I just stood there for a couple of hours,

and some people relieved me from my guard duty.

Then I came home.

How was your day?

I don't know how you can be so casual about this, Mork.

You must have misunderstood what was going on.

There are so many safeguards against radiation leaks.

Min, I mean, it's no big deal.

On Ork, whenever we have a nuclear accident,

we just use Nuke-Away.

Nuke-Away?

Well, yeah, it comes in pine scent

or that exciting new fragrance, fusion.

I mean, it takes the worry out of being radioactive.

Mork, we don't have anything like Nuke-Away here on Earth.

Well, then how do you get rid of telltale nuclear waste?

We don't. Come on, Min,

you can't tell me people with nuclear power

don't have any way of disposing of the waste.

Come on. Hey. I mean, next thing you'll tell me

is you're gonna put it in cans, right? Ha-ha-ha.

We do.

You do. Yeah, yeah.

You do? Whoa!, Min! Come on.

We gotta take a quick hike. We'll take the next egg out.

Don't pack. I'll get you clothes at Frederick's of Venus.

There are thousands of people that can be in danger.

I mean, we gotta tell somebody.

As we fly, we'll drop pamphlets saying,

"Trespassers beware or you'll go bald."

Now, let's go. Mork.

I gotta notify the authorities.

There's one minor hang-up with that, Min. s go. What? Mork.

Well, the Air Force is the authorities.

See, it's kind of like Catch-44.

It's like Catch-22 except twice as bad.

Yeah. Well, we gotta tell somebody.

I mean. the people have a right to know things like this.

They just can't get away with covering this thing up.

Who's covering it up? Nixon's been gone for a long time.

I don't know.

Probably the company that owns the dump.

Why would they want to cover it up?

Well, they usually say they don't want people to panic.

Yeah.

I know. We'll go to the newspapers.

Except they'd never believe us.

You're a journalism student. What would you do?

A good investigative reporter would get all the hard facts.

Well, can't we just get some soft facts and let 'em petrify?

I know what we'll do, Mork.

We're gonna go back to that dump and we're gonna get evidence.

We'll take this tape recorder

and we're gonna talk to the men. Hey.

No chance, Lance. I can go in as an Air Force lieutenant

and come out as a radioactive reserve.

It has to be reasonably safe or they wouldn't let people in.

Yeah, but maybe we're just laboratory rats in uniform.

Well, I don't know, Mork,

but somebody's gotta do something.

Goodbye, Mork.

You know, sometimes we have to think of others

rather than just ourselves.

Sometimes you have to think of others...

All right, let's see.

Mork. Mankind.

Let's weigh the action.

Mank-i-i-ind.

I gotta get my scales checked.

Min! Mind, I'm coming! Mind, I'm coming! Mind!

Wherever you glow, I'll glow. et my scales checked.

Mork, how did you get this uniform?

Well, sometimes rank has privileges,

but I think the supply sergeant was a little suspicious

when I asked for a size seven petite.

Hey, it's Lieutenant Fromork. Good to see you, sir.

We weren't expecting to be relieved for another hour.

Hey, who's the guy?

Oh, it's just another dog face, flyboy, junior birdman.

Uh, name's, uh, Airman McConnell,

but you guys can call me Howard.

McConnell, what's wrong with your voice?

Eh, football injury.

Know anything more about what we're not supposed to know?

Just what we knew before.

Oh, really? I kind of forgot. I had a football injury too.

Could you kind of tell me again, word by word?

Ah, you don't wanna hear about that again.

Hey, Let me tell you about Angela, huh?

If they hadn't called this emergency,

I'd be with her right now.

Wait a minute. Who's Angela?

Here she is being crowned Miss Rocky Mountains.

Whoa. Whoa.

I can see why.

Yeah, well, I like 'em curvy.

Say, how do you like 'em, Howard?

Oh, I like 'em intelligent.

Just how serious was that injury?

Don't worry about McConnell.

He's got everything that a woman wants.

Listen, we're gonna take our leave.

We'll see you later, all right?

See you guys, huh?

Hey, way to go, way to go.

What is this?

It's man stuff.

Well, I'll let it go this time,

but just remember I am a woman.

Is my mustache on straight?

Is it supposed to go up and down?

No! Then it's on right.

Mind, at least we passed the first test.

They believed that you were a man. Yeah.

See, I told you the mustache would work better than steroids.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, we wait until somebody who knows something comes in,

and then we get them to answer some questions

into the tape recorder. Do you have it in a safe place?

It's in my pocket. Good.

Do you think we're in any danger here?

I don't know, but if my knees knock any louder,

I'm gonna look inside my pants and see who's there.

I'll bet you that's where they're keeping

the leaking container.

The recorder.

Right in my hip pocket.

Why did you put it back there? Shh!

Ten-hut!

At ease, men, I'm just checking to make sure the area's secure.

How's the situation look, sir?

What's your name?

Airman McConnell, sir.

Are you new?

About 23 years old, sir. Ar-ar!

Why don't any of our men defect?

Exactly how bad was the accident, sir?

Nothing to worry about.

By the way, was your voice normal when you came here?

Sir, I think we have a right to know why the Air Force

was called in, don't we, sir?

We were the closest military unit that was able to respond.

Respond to what, sir?

We were ordered in here to protect the public.

You see, we store a lot of radioactive waste here.

Now, most of these containers,

well, they're just perfectly safe.

However, some of them, well you...

You might as well keep 'em in Tupperware.

What are you doing?

I'm right behind you, sir, all the way.

Just how bad was the accident, sir?

Well, the problem is,

atomic wastes have a half-life of 240,000 years.

Now, fortunately, the spill

was confined to a relatively small area.

We're keeping the canister in question

in that lead-filled room.

It doesn't look like anybody's health's

gonna be in jeopardy.

Well, uh, when will we know for sure, sir?

1996.

Does this kind of thing happen often, sir?

Old disco injury, sir.

Okay, I'll tell,

but this has got to be kept in the strictest confidence.

I'm all ears, sir. Go ahead.

Remo, did you read about this radiation spill?

It was only 30 miles from here.

Who cares? I've got real problems.

Re... Oh, goodness, you are right.

That apron just doesn't go with that tie.

Why don't you just splash a little more gravy on the tie?

Hey, I got a $30 parking ticket I gotta beat.

Oh, I get it. You're gonna plead insanity.

No, I'm gonna try and impress the judge

with what a nice guy I am.

And I brought him one of my special sandwiches.

Don't do it, Remo. He'll give you the chair.

Very funny.

Hi, there, Big Apple-ites.

Mork, Mindy, did you guys see this incredible story?

No, what is it?

There was an accident at the nuclear dump,

and the company somehow forgot to report it.

How'd they find out about it?

Someone sneaked in with a tape recorder and got proof.

The newspaper got an anonymous tip.

Who from?

They don't know.

Oh.

Anyhow, because of the exposé,

the government has agreed to put all that waste

in new containers.

I wonder why they wouldn't take credit.

They'd be heroes.

Well, there's an old saying.

Those who uncover a coverup

might get covered up themselves.

Or maybe the people that did it

feel that the public's right to know is more important

than being famous.

I bet there are a lot of people would like to meet

and thank the people who got that story.

Aw, shucks, we'd prob...

They'd probably say it were nothing.

Hey, you two want some lunch?

Yeah, what'll... What'll you have, Mork?

Why don't you make us a couple of hero sandwiches.

Big ones.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Hello, Mork. What's new?

Well, no, no, sir, it's what's nuke.

All right, Mork, what's nuke?

Well, it's short for nuclear. You see, this week, sir,

I-I had a job guarding a leak at a nuclear dumping site.

Guarding it from whom, Mork?

Well, the people who live near the dump.

It was very hush-hush.

Why was that?

Well, governments on Earth like to play a game.

It's called "I've Got a Secret."

But when it comes time to tell the truth,

it's "Let's Make a Deal."

Sounds like they don't want to burden the public

with too much information.

But, Orson, how can you prepare for the rain

if you don't know what the weather forecast is?

See, I believe people have the right

to know everything that might affect their well-being.

Maybe there's a good reason, Mork.

Isn't there an Earth saying that "ignorance is bliss"?

Not in this case, sir.

You see, it's a good thing to conserve energy,

but it's a bad thing to keep people in the dark.

I have some specific information I'd like to relate...

Oh.

Until next week,

nanu, nanu.