Original subtitles

Nanu, nanu.

Okay, the customer wants a salad with bean sprouts

and alfalfa sprouts on a bed of shredded lettuce.

Is he here to eat lunch or graze?

I don't care if he smokes it as long as he pays the check.

Well, ask him if he'd like me to put it on a plate

or in a feedbag, okay?

Butu, Kimbe, stay with the caravan.

All right. All you germs, bite the dust. Come on.

Die, you little buggers. Die. There you go. Come on. Yeah!

You with the hamburger, freeze right there.

Drop it. Drop it.

Spread those buns. Spread the buns.

All right, I have a right to read you your rights.

You have a right to remain bacillus... Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

You saw him. That germ pulled a gun.

Come on, what are you doin'?

Will you cut it out?

Mindy's going in the hospital. I have to kill germs.

Don't! Don't! Don't!

Hey. You behind the gherkin, freeze it. Ha-ha!

There's another streptococcus. I bet the small one.

I'm sorry. You can't leave yet. Hold on.

Uh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There aren't any germs in here.

Of course there are no germs after my "spritz-krieg."

Ha-ha! In the name of Louis Pasteur, I...

Wait a minute.

I've just committed germicide.

Oh, you must have millions of little germs at home going...

"Where's Daddy?"

Hey, Mork,

what'd you do to your hair?

I cut off all the germy parts.

It was cheaper than having it cleaned.

Is it safe yet?

What is going on here?

I am going to have my tonsils out,

and Mork has been running around driving me crazy.

Mindy, Mindy. Mindy, you shouldn't talk.

You should rest your tonsils for the coming-out party.

I'll translate for you.

You're going into the hospital? Mindy, Mindy.

It is true that Miss McConnell

is going into the hospital

for a treatment of the neck infection,

but soon she'll be back to her old, uninfected self,

and back being so cute and adorable

and shiksa-like.

Well, Mindy, ha-ha, there's nothing to worry about.

A lot of people have their tonsils out.

Yeah, I had mine out in the first grade.

Yeah, he was only 14.

So I was old for my age.

Did you put 'em under the pillow for the tonsil fairy?

No. I don't believe in that stuff.

I just put 'em in a jar.

Well, actually, getting your tonsils out, it's a breeze.

That's right. It's a very simple procedure.

Yeah, most of the doctors know what they're doin'.

Most of the doctors? Mindy, I'll handle this.

Most of the doctors?

You see, they got losers in every profession.

Like I had an electrician out here six times

to fix that lamp, and it's still broken.

Now, imagine if that was your heart.

Thanks, Remo. JEAN: You know, Remo, uh,

I don't think she wants to hear all this.

Oh, come on. You come home from med school

with all those funny stories.

Tell 'em the one about the doctor

who left the instruments inside the patient.

It's great.

That really happened?

Well, uh, they never found out

but the guy goes disco dancing

and gives himself an appendectomy.

You know, occasionally accidents do happen

but not often, not enough to let it upset you.

Thank you very much.

I think I'll go check myself into the hospital

before you two change my mind.

Good luck. Don't worry, we'll visit you.

Well, kid, break a larynx.

Ha! Thanks. Don't worry, Mindy.

When your tonsils are out, I'll whittle you wooden tonsils,

and put a scarecrow on your tongue to scare the woodpeckers.

That'll work. Hey.

If it doesn't, you'll talk...

like this.

Seven thousand and forty-seven,

seven thousand and-forty-eight...

What are you counting?

I'm timing to see how long it's been

since I buzzed for the nurse.

Well, there's gotta be some way to get a nurse in here.

Yeah, sure. Just fall asleep

and she'll come in and wake you up.

Min...

Hiiii.

How're you feelin'? Oh, all right.

I brought you a little somethi" to show I was thinkin' of you.

Look, a brain. Heh!

No, actually, it's a flower. Heh-heh!

It's the biggest one I could find.

It is a big one. Hope you have a short, fat vase.

Either that or you could wear it behind your ear.

Argh, argh, argh! Ha-ha-ha!

Thank you.

Well, uh, are you fixed yet?

Is that what you're in here for?

I had my cat fixed,

and he's never been the same since.

No, I'm only having my tonsils out.

Well, that's what my mother said they were doing to the cat.

The operation isn't until tomorrow.

Oh, Susie, this is Mork. Hi.

Nanu, nanu, bite-sized person.

The hospital's low on space,

so they put me in the children's ward.

Oh, I couldn't tell. Ha-ha!

Well, honey, are you ready for your tests?

I thought I was supposed to have 'em over an hour ago.

Oh, sorry.

I'm the only nurse working three floors tonight.

You're the only nurse?

Yeah, a lot of nurses are out sick.

I guess there's something going around.

Yeah... well, I gotta go, Mork.

I gotta get some more blood tests.

Well, good luck, Min. I hope you pass.

Don't let anyone cheat over your shoulder

and see your corpuscles.

Oh, I bet you I know what ward he's from.

Oh, he's just visiting.

Oh, then you ought to be leaving.

Visiting hours are almost over. - Oh.

Bye. Bye, Min.

Good luck. Be careful.

Well, well, actually, I'm not really worried at all.

I mean, she told me she had the best doctor.

Well, my mom told me I had the best doctor.

Oh...

if everyone has the best doctor,

then where do all the dead people come from?

I don't know. Maybe the stork brings 'em.

Is this your first time in the hospital?

No, it's my second. The first time I was born.

What are you in for now?

I did a dumb thing. I swallowed my bubble pipe.

How'd you do that?

Well, you see, it's like this. I was jumping rope and then...

It wasn't a pretty picture.

Now I'm all full of bubbles.

If you push my stomach, you could probably feel 'em.

No, no way. I saw Alien.

Mind if I make myself at home here?

Sure. H-hey.

Back from where I come from, we don't have hospitals.

We just have a little building you drive up to and you...

You tell your ailments into a clown face

and out comes a pill, heh.

A Doc in the Box.

You betcha. Heh-heh!

So how are they gonna get that bubble pipe out of you?

Beats me. I guess they'll have to cut me open.

Cut you open.

Seriously, how are they gonna get that bubble pipe outta you?

No, really.

They'll cut me open and take out

whatever's giving me trouble.

Cut you open. Heh-heh-heh!

Pfft! Ah-ah-ah! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I should stay here and protect Mindy. That might be good.

Either that or she'll have her insides on the outside.

She might get her liver caught in her pantyhose.

No, no, no.

I'm sure they'll put back everything important.

Besides, it won't hurt.

They knock you out first.

Who does? The guys with the masks.

Masks? Whoa, kemosabe.

Why do they do that?

Maybe they don't like you to see who goofs up.

Oh.

Oh, are you still here?

Uh-huh. You're right. They are goofy.

I'm here and she doesn't even know it.

Visiting hours are over.

No, no, no, I'm gonna stay here and protect Mindy.

Well, I've seen a lot of strange things happening in this place.

I assure you that Mindy will get excellent treatment.

You're not gonna cut her open and auction off her innards?

I've seen the little bottles.

No, you have my word.

All right, well, it's just 'cause I care for her.

I mean, she's like a brother to me.

Oh, don't worry.

Your brother Mindy will be fine,

just as soon as she comes out from under the knife.

Knife...

knives, masks.

What's the name of this hospital,

Our Lady of Central Park?

I've gotta go. All right.

Dr. Newman, please.

Please report to Pediatrics.

Min.

Mind, it's moi, Mork.

Still in one piece? Argh!

I think she's sleeping.

Susie, boy, you've been through some changes.

Oh...

Mind.

Mind. Heh-heh!

Mind, wake up, you don't wanna sleep through your operation.

Heh-heh!

Uh-oh.

You're not Mind.

What happened to Mind? I mean...

What's going on here?

Mind? Who's Mindy?

You're a strange man.

Not as strange as the people who work in this place.

Oh, Mind. First Susie and then... What happened?

What's going on here? This is strange.

What are you talki" about?

Well, don't you understand confused babble?

What are you doing here?

Where's Mindy?

There's no Mindy here.

Uh, you must be in the wrong room.

No, she's gotta be here.

I mean, she was here yesterday.

Oh, well, I wouldn't know.

I broke my wrist yesterday. I had to go out and get it fixed.

Why didn't you have it fixed here?

Here?

You gotta be kidding. Ha-ha-ha!

This has gotta be the same room.

There's the flower I brought her.

Oh. Well, okay.

What's her name and her age?

Uh, Mindy McConnell, age 23. Ehhh. Ha-ha!

Um, well, she has two good arms, sorry, um.

You see, that's where you went wrong.

No, sir, this is the children's wing.

We have no big people staying here.

Well, if she's not here, then she... She's lost.

Oh, now, please don't worry.

Even if she is, she's bound to turn up sooner or later.

I hope it's soon because she needs a tonsillectomy.

Oh, dear.

Well, I hope she hasn't been confused with...

With somebody else. Why?

Well, if that's what has happened,

there's a good chance she might get

the wrong operation.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, not again, not after last week.

No. Oh, no.

Boy, this is certainly a crazy place to work.

Yes, sir, I'll try to help you with the problem.

Ah, yes, sir.

Yes, we do have a number of nurses

who don't speak English.

So just be patient

and point to where you're bleeding.

Yes, Miss Chayefsky.

Uh, Mr. Burnett, there's a gentleman to see you.

He seems very upset.

You gotta help me. You gotta find Mindy.

Is this him? Mm-hm.

Are you the administrator?

Yes, I am.

Well, here it is. You want it, you got it.

A dollar bill?

I talked to everyone in the hospital.

They say the buck stops here.

Sir...

Calm down. We're not going to get anywhere

if you don't speak slowly and clearly.

Yes, I think you're right.

Yes, of course. Now, what seems to be the problem?

Wait, wait, wait.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh. Well, I brought my friend Mindy here

for a simple operation

and now she's gone.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sure we did all we could.

Well, no, she hasn't gone belly-up.

Sh-she's just gone.

She's disappeared, lost.

We lost a patient?

Well, heh, she must be somewhere in the building.

How far can she get in bare feet and a gown

that opens down the back?

I'm sure everything will be fine.

Really? Oh, really, yes.

Miss Chayefsky, when you get time,

would you just get our lawyers on the phone?

Why don't you just say

the eagle has landed.

Again?

Ixnay.

Aren't you gonna do something? Organize a posse,

get out the tonsil-sniffing dogs, things like that?

Oh, in good time. Uh, but before we get started,

there is a little paperwork to, uh, take care of.

Oh, here.

Would you just sign this form, please?

What is this, a missing persons form?

Well, not exactly. It's just a formality

which basically says that, uh,

no matter what's happened, the hospital isn't held responsible.

But you are responsible. She didn't lose herself.

Uh, well,

I don't blame you for being upset,

but these things happen. I mean, this is a very big place.

We have a lot of halls... Oh, you're not kidding.

A lot of wards. I mean, it's like a maze.

Here a ward, there a ward, everywhere a ward ward.

And there are pages: "Calling Dr. Fine."

He doesn't answer his calls. The doctors are missing too,

aren't they? Now, son.

Try to see this from my point of view, will you?

They don't give me enough staff, they don't give me enough money.

All they give me

is the challenge to help people.

What about finding my friend?

Now you have a challenge too, haven't you?

But before you go, would you sign this form?

I can't help you until you do.

You're gonna leave her lost until I let you off the hook?

Hey, fella, I don't make the rules.

Oh, yeah? All right. I'm taking this with me,

and this buck's not gonna stop until I find Mindy.

You can't find her now. Visiting hours are over.

Well, but rescuing hours have just begun.

Well, what about my form?

Take your form and file it.

You're in your room, Mrs. McDonald.

McDonald?

Now, let's take another one of these little pinkie drinkies

and then we can rest.

Oh, I'm too tired to rest.

I don't feel good.

Here. Here you go.

Now, soon you're going to have that brain operation

and then your headaches will just disappear.

Now, you can lie back and rest.

Hee-hee!

Whew, I'm starting to feel better already.

Bye.

Bye.

Don't worry.

Brain surgery isn't as bad as it sounds.

Ooh, it is noisy, though.

Oh, hello, doctor.

Hello there, sickie.

Doctor, I hate to complain,

but nobody came by this afternoon

to change my dressing.

Oh, dressing, are you kidding?

That gown is you. It goes perfectly with that hat.

All you need now is some feathers,

some rhinestones and nine tana leaves.

Doctor, you have a very funny bedside manner.

I believe that a good doctor

leaves his patient in stitches. Har-har-har!

I used to love a good laugh.

Oh, doctor, you know what?

What?

Oh.

Mindy. Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, you're awake.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Hi. Hello. Ha-ha!

Actually, I think this is the best type of physical therapy.

It gives the patients something to live for.

Oh, Miss McConnell, we'll have you out of here in a "fribbet."

A fribbet? Yes, a medical term

meaning a surrey with a fringe on top.

That girl's name isn't McConnell. It's McDonald.

No, my dear lady, I'm a doctor. Don't make mistakes

unless it's a matter of life and death or a bill.

But the nurse who was just here said that's Mrs. McDonald.

She's in here for brain surgery.

No, no, she's in here to have her tonsils out.

I guess it depends on how deep they drill.

Yeah...

Mindy!

Min. Hello, Mindy.

Mind, Mind, Mind... Woo-hoo!

Oh, no. They got you too.

Oh, Mind.

All my life I've been getting you into trouble.

Now I've gotten you in the biggest trouble

and there's nothing I can do.

Oh, come on, Mind. Hello.

Mind. Here we go, here we go.

Here we go. Hey. Whoa! Woo!

That's all physical therapy.

Mindy. Mind.

Mind, here we go. Okay.

Okay, whoa, make a wish. Here we go.

There we go.

No, bad view.

Okay, Mind, come on...

Hi.

Mind...

Doctor, what are you doing?

I was just checking for lumps.

Okay... We have to get this patient out of here right away.

Nonsense, that patient is having brain surgery in two hours.

You haven't done anything to her yet?

Of course not. I just came in to shave her head.

Oh, no.

Don't you shave one hair on her chin.

Mindy, Mindy...

Hello. Mindy, Mindy.

No, Mindy is me.

What's up, doc?

Min. Mind. Mind... Oh.

Oh, Mind, Mindy. It's me, Mork.

I dressed like this 'cause I was looking for you.

Well, I think that I'm over there.

Very fun, Min.

Let's get out before they turn your head into a planter.

Come on, let's go.

They wouldn't do that to old Mindy...

What's my last name again?

McDonald.

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

Ah. Why, she's a little delirious.

I just gave her a sedative.

Her name isn't McDonald, it's McConnell.

You know, you look very familiar.

You assisted me last week in that lip transplant

for Mick Jagger, remember that?

Well... Well, I've re-diagnosed this patient

and her brain has cleared up, heh.

See you later. Let's go, Mind.

No, Mind. Woo!

Ahhh. Wow. That's a great ride.

Since I usually get sick on ferris wheels.

Oh, that's wonderful. There we go.

Mind, I think I can take you home.

I'll take those tonsils out there.

Let's go. There we go.

Let's go, Mind.

You dance divinely. Do you come here often?

Well... Ow!

Woo!

Hello. Hi.

Hello.

What is going on here?

I can hear you halfway down the hall.

Oh, Dr. Roland, I'm so glad you're here.

That doctor is behaving very strangely.

Doctor, I think you should put that patient down.

No, she's mine.

Oh, doctor, please.

Give Mrs. McDonald back to us.

No, it's not McDonald, it's McConnell.

McDonald.

Over 30 billion sold.

Wanna see my arches?

I knew I should have been a plumber.

Look, uh, nurse. I, uh...

think I'm gonna need your assistance here, all right?

Min...

Mindy, come on, let's go.

Wait! Hey, no, no, don't, don't.

Don't you realize you're up six stories?

Oh, I love stories.

Whoa! Mindy, Mindy!

Get back! Back! I have a thermometer here

and you don't know where it's been.

Mindy.

I'd like to thank you all for coming

and I promise I'll make a darn good Miss America.

Be careful. There's a lot of gravity down there.

Come on, jump.

No.

You jump.

Mind...

We'd better get them before they fall.

No, stay back. Stop! Stay back!

Bruce Lee lives. Wahhh!

Wahhhh!

Wahhhh!

Whoa!

He bit me!

Oh, there you are. Mr. Burnett.

Yes, I had a feeling you were on this floor

when we found Dr. Brody in the closet

wearing underwear and striped suspenders.

Do you know this maniac?

Now, he's okay.

His friend Mindy McConnell got mixed up with a patient

named Mavis McDonald.

Oh. Her name is Mindy. Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

Now for my first dive:

a forward half gainer with a full-twist summy.

Mind!

I'm so glad you did that. You know why?

Why? 'Cause I can't swim.

Here, Mindy, have some more ice cream.

Oh, thanks, but I think I've had enough.

Oh. Oh. Keep the...

You know, if you have any more,

we're gonna send you home in a freezer bag.

Ha-ha-ha! A freezer...

Freezer... Freezer bag.

You know, Mindy should be sore for only about a day.

I'll be sore for about a week.

Why are you sore?

Well, the nurse bit me back.

You know, this whole rigamarole proves what I always say:

You gotta be sick to go in the hospital.

So simple,

yet so meaningless.

You know, I just can't believe we had all that trouble

over a typographical error.

Funny, there were no typos on the bill.

Oh, well, speaking for my future profession,

first I wanna apologize.

But despite what happened, doctors and nurses

really do wanna help.

I think you've probably gotta help them

by keeping your eyes open, asking questions.

Especially if you fear for your life.

You know, Mind, I'm glad I saved you from that brain surgery.

If not, I'd be sitting here now eating ice cream

with someone I didn't know and that someone would be you.

You know, Mork, what would I do without you?

Well, probably sitting somewhere in front of a mirror

watching yourself drool.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Hello, Mork.

Oh, Your Corpulence, you sound sick.

Very observant, Mork.

Why haven't you gone to one of the health clowns?

All the ones nearby are broken. Oh.

I've been trying to find a doctor,

but none of them can afford me.

You won't believe this, sir, but on Earth,

people pay doctors. Ha-ha!

That's crazy. Oh, I know.

Without sick people, doctors would have nothing to do.

Oh, I know that, Your Lumpyship.

But I've learned on Earth this week

that staying healthy's like everything else in life.

It all depends on how much money you have.

Were you ill? Oh, no, no, sir.

Mindy was, but she's all right now.

I had to rescue her from a hospital.

What's a hospital? Well, hospitals are places

where Earthlings are interred while they're sick

and not released until they give the hospital money.

It sounds like a jail.

Well, sort of, sir, except the food is worse.

I guess if you get sick on Earth, you're doomed.

Oh, no, no, sir.

You see, most doctors and hospitals are quite good.

But I also realized this week

that while it's tough to be sick,

it's also tough to be a doctor.

See, after all, to err is human,

but most people won't allow doctors to be human.

Till next week, sir, nanu.