Original subtitles

Do be careful of my crystal glassware, Richard.

Why are we taking all this stuff? The place is equipped.

You know I can't entertain without my crystal glassware.

-They've probably got some. -At Bruce's cottage?

Bruce thinks the height of taste is glassware engraved with naked ladies.

I'd sooner be struggling with a naked lady than this crate.

Oh!

She rarely listens to anything I say.

I've learned to appreciate that over the years.

Post office? Good morning.

I wish to speak to your head postmaster, please.

Of course it's important.

Hmm?

My name is "Bouquet."

Spell it? Are you sure you're in the right job?

It's B-U-C-K-E-T.

No, it's "Bouquet."

Thank you.

Yes, I'll hold.

"Is it important?" Who do they think they are?

Good morning, postmaster.

Oh, you're his deputy.

He's in conference? I suppose that means he's not in yet.

Now, I would like my mail redirected

to my sister's luxury holiday cottage,

complete with patio and built-in barbecue.

We'll have the run of the place,

which is double glazed with a fully fireproofed thatched roof.

How long are we going for? Oh, at least two days.

Hang on, Richard.

Ooh! Thanks very much. I was on the verge of a hernia.

-Going away? -Just to the country.

-Your wife going with you? -Yes, of course.

-Jolly good! Well done! How long for? -Two or three days.

Ah.

Still. Better than nothing.

She's going away!

-They won't redirect our mail. -Not just for a couple of days.

I find that a very casual attitude.

How dare they presume I receive the kind of mail

that can wait for two or three days.

I receive the kind of mail that can wait for two or three days.

Suppose there's a letter from Sheridan?

He never writes. He just rings up when he's broke.

It could be in the post now. A cry for help.

He's had enough help this month.

I must ring him when we arrive at the cottage.

Let him know where we are in case he's suffering psychically.

He might want to confide in his mummy.

Do you ever wonder why Sheridan shows no interest in girls?

Should I take a few of my favorite ornaments?

No, not just for a couple of days.

Ah. That's something I must take.

Why do you keep reading stuff like that?

Because it's my last foothold in romance.

I get very little practice… at least I can keep abreast with theory.

I'm sorry I asked.

That was Hyacinth on the phone.

Tell her we've moved.

They've borrowed Violet's cottage for the weekend

and they're having a barbecue!

-Ooh, lovely! -Oh, no!

Don't worry, Onslow. I don't think we're invited.

She just wants us to take Daddy down.

She feels it's her duty to give Daddy a day out.

But she didn't actually say we weren't invited?

No… Well…

Well, we ought to stay with Daddy, then.

-He's not used to barbecues. -His new teeth might hurt.

Exactly.

Onslow, we're going to a barbecue.

It's very inconvenient.

Anyway, I can't possibly today.

What have you got on that's so important?

There's racing on the telly.

If I wore a saddle…

Perhaps you might pay more attention to me.

I never go for the real outsiders.

You can watch racing at Bruce's cottage.

It's not the same outside of your own cozy environment.

We're not cozy. We're nearly derelict.

I like derelict. I'm into derelict.

-Richard, have we room for my… -No.

She is! She's going away!

I can feel it. I can feel my ears relaxing.

-It's only for two days. -I know! But it'll be like a holiday!

Oh, I'll be able to sit in the garden without her singing at me.

Yippee!

-[HUMS "THE BLUE DANUBE"] -Oh, Emmet!

And you! Two days without having to go next door for coffee!

-Not quite. -What do you mean, not quite?

What's wrong, Liz? Why are you so subdued?

Two whole days, Hyacinth-free.

Not quite.

There's something you haven't told me.

-Yes. -Well, go on. Tell me.

Hyacinth wants us to visit them this evening at the cottage.

For a barbecue.

You didn't say yes?

I didn't say anything! When does one ever say anything?

We're just expected.

Oh, don't cry, Emmet!

I hate it when you cry.

There you are! I told you! They're going away!

You said put it somewhere safe. I thought you could hold it.

That was quite a sendoff.

We must never move, dear. We'd be greatly missed.

It's rather humbling to realize how many friends we have.

I thought Mr. Ridley looked rather shabby.

He was just gardening.

I expect he's lost heart, poor man.

His wife can't be an easy person to be married to.

I've never heard her speak to him unless to give an order.

-Sounds familiar. -Take the next right, dear.

As we all know, the secret of marriage is give and take.

Kindness. Understanding.

Tolerance.

Richard, you should have turned right there, dear.

I thought you liked a barbecue.

Run by your Hyacinth? She'll be polishing the hot dogs.

Father says he's not going without Mrs… Thing.

-Okay, we'll take Mrs. Thing. -I'll go and tell him!

Oh. Well, if we are going, we'd better take a bottle of sauce.

Your Hyacinth's far too posh to have any decent sauce.

Stop playing about with the car and bring my ornaments in.

[GUNSHOT]

Richard, what are you doing now? Do give me a hand, dear.

Look, the timing of the barbecue is all-important.

I want to feed Daddy first

and get rid of them all before our other guests arrive.

You can't throw people out. They may overlap a little.

It's not a question of throwing people out, dear.

I shall just insist they leave early because of Daddy's bedtime.

Does he go to bed at tea time?

Hmm?

They'll have the journey

and he'll probably be excited.

No, they must leave early.

I shall ring them now and make that quite clear.

♪ Tramp, tramp, tramp along the highway ♪

No, Rose, it's not Boris, it's Hyacinth.

No, I will not get off the phone, dear.

I don't care if you are expecting a call from Boris.

I would like a brief word with Daisy.

"Boris"!

Daisy, dear, how are you?

Yes, we're here, safe and sound.

We're not safe. Somebody's shooting.

Sh. I suggest that you all arrive here for three o'clock.

It's a tea-time barbecue.

We don't want to keep Daddy late, you see.

-Did you hear what I… -Shh!

Mrs. who? Who on earth's Mrs. Thing?

Polish? Polish!

Well, find out how to pronounce it, dear.

You can't keep calling her Mrs. Thing.

If you've got it written down, fetch it.

Spell it to me. It can't be all that difficult.

Shh!

Yes, I'm here.

I have a pencil, yes.

Now. Z-B-Y-G-N.

Well, I would say… Zabagoodiga…

Zabag… Zabaga… Zabaga… Zaberger…

Very well, if he wants to bring Mrs. Thing, I suppose he can.

-I say… -Ow!

Good God, man, you're in a state.

-Are you a drinker? -No!

With nerves like that, you damn well ought to be.

Have you seen a bitch round here?

Springer spaniel. Liver and white.

No, I'm afraid I haven't seen her.

Came this way when I fired the shot.

Damn thing's gun-shy.

-You're not the usual one. -I beg your pardon.

Quaint chap. Owns the place.

-Oh, Bruce. -That's the fella.

He's quaint as a four-pound note.

-He's my brother-in-law. -He's weirder than my spaniel bitch.

What's he doing talking to somebody with a gun?

I wonder if it's the lady from the manor house,

the one Violet told me about.

Eccentric but very well-connected.

Ooh! I think that's her.

If you do see the stupid bitch, perhaps you'd give us a call.

Certainly. Of course.

What's wrong now? Are you having a fit?

No, I'm fine.

You don't look fine. I had a cousin with a twitch like that.

-I'm not twitching. -Had to take him to the fruit farm.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer chap.

You are. You are having a fit.

Bring the lady in, Richard.

She's coming in.

♪ I do believe she's coming in ♪

-Ah! -Is this your fellow?

-My husband, yes. -Don't like the look of him.

He's not as young as he used to be.

He's having a turn. He says he's not but he is.

I know the signs.

I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine.

They all say that.

My cousin was saying it when they took him away.

Really? Are you the lady from the manor house?

-That's right. I'm Bunty. -I'm Hyacinth.

Ooh, sorry!

My sister Violet told me about you. Do go through.

Ah.

-Will he be okay out there? -Oh, yes, I often leave him outside.

May I hang that up for you?

-I'll just hang it here. -Yes.

Your sister, is it, married to the weirdo?

The weirdo? No! My sister is married to Bruce.

Bruce. That's the fella.

-May I offer you a drink? -Normally I'd be glad to

but I've got to find my gun-shy bitch.

My Richard will find your dog. He's very good at things like that.

Oh, perhaps just a small one.

Oh, by the way…

Stop fiddling with that, Richard, and find Bunty's dog.

How am I supposed to find Bunty's dog?

I want you to find it, Richard.

It's quite important socially.

The dog? The dog is important socially?

I doubt it if it's gun-shy.

Don't be silly, Richard. Just run along and find the dog.

I have invited Bunty to the barbecue this evening.

But I've got to get rid of her quickly before Onslow arrives.

Run along, dear, and find the dog. Her name's Zoe.

I thought it was supposed to be relaxing in the country.

Yes, isn't it, dear?

When you've found it, don't play about with it. Bring it straight back.

This must be what they call a working holiday.

Now, what was the name?

Zoe!

[LOUD SIREN ON TV]

Come on, Onslow! You have to get ready!

You know what Hyacinth's like about being on time.

-I'm coming! -[KNOCKING]

There's Mrs. Thing! Move yourself, Onslow!

Onslow, this is Mrs.… Blap-Thing.

She doesn't speak much English.

-How much is much? -None.

This is what your father fancies?

He says there's something mysterious about foreign women.

Certainly something mysterious about this one.

Make yourself at home, Mrs.… Splab.

Well, here's to it.

Oh, that touched the spot. I'll have another one.

I'm so glad you're able to come to my select little barbecue.

-Do bring your husband. -My Dorian?

I will if he's awake. Nods off a lot these days.

-Just like my Daddy. -Poor old Dorian.

He went from rampant to stagnant practically overnight.

-How terrible. -Changed his entire personality.

Daddy's the same. Once such a brilliant mind.

Old Dorian used to have a bag full of shady habits with the opposite sex.

Now he's strictly a home bird. Good as gold.

Boring as hell.

Well, never mind. You bring him along.

Yeah, poor old Dorian. Still, at least I know where he is.

It's the damn dog I can never find.

Zoe! Where are you, Zoe?

It's all right, Zoe. I haven't got a gun.

Come on, girl. Be a good dog.

How does one track an animal?

Footprints! One looks for footprints.

Can't even see my own footprints in this grass.

Zoe!

Zoe!

I should keep out of those nettles if I were you.

I'm trying to but thank you for the advice.

I think maybe we could do that once more.

Oh! Yes.

I don't normally drink.

Unless that damned dog makes me angry.

-Do sit down. -Yeah, I think I'd better.

I do hope Richard finds your dog.

Oh, she'll come home when she's ready.

That's more than I used to be able to say about old Dorian!

Excuse me. My hubby wants a word with me.

-I'll be back in a jiffy. -You carry on.

-Have you found the dog? -No.

Well, what is it, then? I am making great strides here socially.

There's a chap outside, says he's a friend of Bruce.

Are you sure? You know how gullible you are.

He says he's a friend of Bruce.

He's not a friend of Bruce. That's some old tramp.

-Get rid of him. -He warned me off a bed of nettles.

I will not have you discussing nettle beds with total strangers.

Get rid of him before he helps himself to my crystal glassware.

-I don't believe… -Oh, I'll get rid of him.

-Bruce isn't here. -Well, you'll do.

-Why don't I visit you? -I beg your pardon?

You're a sturdy creature. Don't get many of those round here.

Bruce comes with that skinny thing.

That "skinny thing" happens to be my sister Violet.

Swimming pool, sauna, room for a pony.

Not as big round the veranda as you though, is she?

Wait a minute! We're just getting acquainted!

-Whatever's the matter? -He insulted me.

Who did?

A suspiciously scruffy fellow in an old hat.

Oh, sounds like my Dorian.

Oh, it is my Dorian.

-He insulted you? -Well, not insulted…

He's not done that for ages. He must be feeling his oats again.

Well done, old thing!

This calls for a drink. Come along. Pour me another.

Go and get old Dorian. Bring him in!

Do as Bunty says, dear. Fetch Dorian. Don't keep him waiting.

-They're awfully well-connected. -[MOCKINGLY] Oh, well, off I go. Tally-ho.

-Is that lady your wife? -Yes.

Lots of fun, is she?

I can't say I've ever thought of her in terms of fun.

Won't you come in? Your wife's here.

Is she?

-Her dog's missing. -Ah.

-She's gun-shy, you know. -Your wife?

Is she? No, I don't think so.

Not Bunty!

And this is a photograph

of a certificate obtained by Sheridan for penmanship.

He had a beautiful italic hand.

And here he is with his favorite teddy,

saying goodbye to it as he left for university.

-[DOOR SLAMS] -Oh!

That must be my Richard and your Dorian.

Oh! [GRUNTS]

Oh, damn legs. Always the first thing to go.

-Help Bunty, will you, Richard? -Yes, Richard, help Bunty.

I'll entertain this fascinating creature here.

Oh!

God, old Dorian's back on form!

There we are then, Mrs. Thing.

I could feel her staring at me in Polish all the way.

I hope we're well enough dressed.

She said casual.

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

He's a demon on the dance floor, old Dorian.

Oh, damn legs. Always the first thing to go.

Ooh!

Ooh!

[RECORD SLOWS, DIES]

Oh, I say. You're a damn fine filly on the flat.

Let's see how you go over the jumps!

Oh-ho!

Ra-cha-cha-cha-cha!

I haven't done this for years!

I really should be unpacking my crystal glassware.

There's plenty of time for that.

Run along! Let's get some sun on those rosy cheeks!

Hoi! Ra-cha-cha-cha-cha!

Oh, what a sport!

Ra-cha-cha-cha-cha! Ho!

Onslow!

Hello, Hyacinth. All go, this early retirement, Dicky.

Unsteady on my pins. And now my eyes have gone.

All I can see is legs.

I think I need another drink. Come along!

-Give me a hand, old thing. -In a minute.

Now, come on, old girl.

I think I'll go and look for the dog again.

Zoe!

Where's Dicky going with Mrs. Thing?

Zoe! Zoe!

Zoe!

How did he know Mrs. Thing was called Zoe?

Whoo!

Hyacinth, who was that lady you were dancing with?

Oh, that was Bunty, Dorian's wife.

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

If her legs were working, you'd like Bunty.