Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

See what we got here. [ Chuckles ]

"Arnold leaves for Hollywood today...

to star in picture for Boris Fedor."

[ Laughs ] That's my boy.

Arnold?

Arnold.

Arnold? Your picture's in the paper.

[ Squealing ]

[ Grunting ]

What do you got your roller skates for?

You ain't gonna have no time to skate in Hollywood.

Don't you know that? You'll be too busy acting.

And you got only one sports shirt. You better get another one.

And hurry up about it. The Douglases'll be here in a half an hour to pick you up.

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

Well, whether you believe it or not, we have to pick Arnold up in a half an hour.

Lisa, w-we're not really gonna take Arnold to Hollywood, are we?

Of course we are. We promised Mr. Ziffel.

- But-- - Oliver, do you want Arnold to miss his big chance?

- What big chance? - To become a movie star.

[ Scoffs ] He's not going to be a--

Oliver, when I called Boris Fedor,

he said he was going to make Arnold a movie star.

All he said was that if Arnold is ever in Hollywood...

to drop in to see him, he'd be glad to talk to him.

Well, how can Arnold drop in to see him in "Hollywoods" if he isn't there?

That's why we got to take him.

You didn't even tell your Hungarian producer friend that Arnold was a pig.

Well, what difference does it make?

A star is a star, no matter what shape he's in.

Nobody is going to put him--

There have been other animal stars who have been in pictures,

and none of them got the kind of reviews like Arnold got for the play he was in.

Oh, those stupid reviews.

Well, how many pigs do you know...

who were compared to Laurence Olivier?

None that I know.

Oliver, if you don't want to go, you don't have to.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Well, if you do, then you better start and pack.

I am all packed.

Is this all you're going to take? It's all I need.

As soon as your friend sees what Arnold is, we'll be back on the next plane.

[ Car Approaching ]

Hello, Mr. Ziffel. Good morning, Mrs. Douglas. You're early.

Yes, uh, we've got a long drive to the airport. Is Arnold ready?

Uh, yeah, just about packed. Arnold!

[ Car Door Opens ]

Now, Arnold, you're going away from home, and I want to tell you a few things.

I want you to mind Mr. and Mrs. Douglas and do everything they tell ya.

[ Grunting ]

And be a good boy, and I don't want you to get mixed up with them Hollywood pigs.

[ Grunting ]

- Mr. Ziffel, we'd better get-- - And another thing.

Don't be a know-it-all.

Listen to what the director says and be sure and know your lines in the picture.

- [ Grunts ] - Mr. Ziffel--

Be sure and write every day and call once a week.

[ Grunts ]

- We'll see that he does. - Could we please get--

And, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas, be sure that he watches his diet, will ya?

And keep him away from sweets. He breaks out somethin' terrible.

- We'll watch him. - Look, we're gonna be late!

Well, I guess this is it.

- This is good-bye. - Yes, good-bye!

- Good-bye, my boy. - [ Squeals ]

- See ya in the movies. - Good-bye!

[ Arnold Squealing ]

Yes. May I help you?

We have a reservation. [ Clears Throat ] The name is Douglas.

Douglas?

Oh, yes, here we are, Mr. Douglas.

A suite for you and your wife and a single for Arnold Ziffel.

- That's right. - Is, uh, Mr. Ziffel with you?

Here we go. Take it, Lisa.

Yes. Mr. Ziffel is here.

[ Grunting ]

- That's a pig! - [ Grunting ]

- What did you expect? - Well, I--

- Uh, may we have our room? - Yes, you can have your room,

but I'm afraid we can't give Mr. Ziff-- him a room.

- [ Squeals ] - Why not?

Well-- [ Scoffs ] Madam, we have rules.

May I see them?

Well, I don't have them right-- Surely you understand, sir.

No, I don't understand the whole thing.

Well, I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.

There is something we can do. We can protest.

Oh, one of those, huh?

Well, you go right ahead and protest just as much as you like.

Okay, Arnold.

[ Squealing Loudly ]

Will you please quiet the-- the pig? Madam, he's disturbing our guests.

Well, he couldn't if he was in a room.

[ Squealing Continues ] Very well.

[ Bell Rings ]

Take these... people to 527.

He's got a head like a sieve.

[ Gunfire On TV ]

Arnold, will you turn that darn thing down?

[ Grunting ] [ Volume Decreases ]

Thank you.

Oliver, I wish you wouldn't yell at Arnold.

He's very sensitive.

He's sensitive? Yes.

So he'll never be a football. Oliver!

Lisa, why are you unpacking?

Well, we are going to be here for a few months while Arnold is making his movie.

Look, do me a favor. Call your friend here.

Have him meet Arnold, and I guarantee you and I will be on our way home tonight.

I wonder what would've happened...

if Mickey Rooney's father had talked that way.

[ Gunfire On TV ] What has that got to--

Arnold, will you turn that thing down?

Call your friend. [ Volume Decreases ]

Hello? Would you please connect me with the Master-Arts Studios?

Look, you are talking to Boris Fedor, a poor Hollywood producer.

I can't give your client a $5,000-a-week raise.

I don't care if he is the best horse actor in pictures.

I can't afford it!

Now look, the picture starts in two weeks.

He better be on the set, or else!

Next time I do a picture, it's going to be with human-being actors.

Mr. Fedor, the woman who called last week is on the phone-- Mrs. Douglas.

Douglas? She said her maiden name is Gronyitz.

Oh, Lisa Gronyitz. Why didn't you say so?

- Hello, Lisa, darling. - Hello, Boris!

- Where are you? - In Hollywood.

I brought Arnold out here to see you.

- Who? - Arnold Ziffel.

Remember the actor I told you about...

who got better notices than Laurence Olivier?

- Oh, yes, yes, yes. - When can you see us?

Well, uh, how about next week?

3:00 today would be better.

- But I-- - See you at 3:00.

Ah. He's going to see us at 3:00.

You still didn't tell him that Arnold is a pig.

He'll probably notice that when he meets him.

Sweitzer, you are my publicity man.

You ought to be able to figure out a story why we have to postpone the picture.

Why don't you tell them the truth--

that the horse wants more money and you don't want to pay him.

What are you trying to do, make me look cheap?

Mr. Fedor, Lisa Gronyitz is here for her 3:00 appointment.

Oh. No, no, no. Sit, sit. I'll get rid of her in a minute.

Send her in.

You may come in now. Thank you.

Oh, Boris. Lisa, darling.

How are you? Fine. So good to see you!

And you must be Arnold Ziffel.

Uh, no, I--

So you want to be in pictures.

Lisa tells me they compare you with Laurence Olivier.

No, no, no. He's my husband. They don't compare him to anybody.

Oh. Where is Arnold Ziffel?

He's outside eating your secretary's lunch.

- What? - Uh, well, I'll get him.

Arnold, you can come in now.

[ Grunting ]

Boris, this is Arnold Ziffel.

[ Squealing ]

He's a pig.

You're right. He did notice.

- When is Arnold going to start to work? - Well, he--

My husband is a lawyer, and he can take care of all the contracts.

Oh, yes. I-- I do all of the legal work...

for some of the biggest pigs in Hooterville.

Um-- Well, Lisa, you see, it's, uh, not so easy. It's--

Of course. I understand. First you have to give him a "scream" test.

A scream test. Well, yes, of course.

You know it takes a little time to prepare for that, so I have an idea.

Why don't you take, um, Mr. Ziffel back to the hotel,

and I'll call you as soon as we got it set up.

Fine. We'll wait for your call. Good.

Nice to have met you, Mr. Gronyitz.

Douglas.

Okay, Doug. You can call me Boris.

Well, you'll be hearing from me.

- Arnold, come on. - [ Grunting ]

Bye.

That's all I need-- a pig. I don't have enough trouble with a horse.

A scream-- uh, screen test.

Wait a second, boss. Wait a second.

You got a great idea. I have? What is it?

Give the pig a screen test. Then when the horse hears about it, it'll shake him up.

He'll think that he's being replaced by a pig,

and he'll forget about the raise and come crawling.

Well, I did it again.

Now you see why I am a producer and you are working for me.

[ Oliver ] "Fedor to test Pig."

"Fedor to replace horse with pig."

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

Oliver, we're going to be late. Lisa--

Arnold has to be in the studio on the set to make his scream test at 10:00,

and he has to go to Wardrobe, Makeup and Hairdressing.

What's he gonna do, a scene from Porky and Bess?

No. Pygmalion.

Where's the ham bone now?

He's in the other room studying his script.

He's st-- Mmm.

[ Grunting ]

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

[ Grunting ]

Ready for your test, Mr. Ziffel.

Doesn't he look cute?

Cute?

Looks like a pig in a striped sweater.

Come on. Let's go and watch.

Sorry, folks. Mr. Ziffel's requested a closed set. No visitors.

Quiet!

I don't blame him. We'll only make him nervous.

Lisa, we've been cooped up in this room for three days.

Can't we go for a walk or something? I am not leaving.

Boris might call.

If he hasn't called by now, he never will.

Well, he probably didn't see Arnold's test.

He probably has. That's why he hasn't called.

Oliver, the director, the cameraman--

everybody said that they thought that Arnold's scream test...

was one of the best tests ever made by a pig.

Lisa, I've had enough of this nonsense.

Now I came out here because I thought this whole thing was a kind of a joke...

but we'd have a nice vacation out of it.

The joke is over. Now let's pack up and go home.

Oliver, you don't care about Arnold's career.

No, I don't, but I care about us.

All we've done is sit here and bicker about that stupid pig.

Now I want you to pack, and let's get out of here.

But, Oliver-- Pack!

But, chief, it's not a bad test. You oughta take a look at it.

He really does some amazing things for a pig.

He's much smarter than the horse, and he really has much more sex appeal.

I'm not interested in looking at it.

All I'm interested is getting a phone call from the horse's agent...

telling me that he's on his bended knee.

But, chief, just take a-- [ Phone Rings ]

Yes, what?

Put him on. It's the horse's agent.

Hello.

Fine. How's your client, the horse?

Is he ready to go to work?

What?

I told you, no raise!

[ Line Clicks ] Hello?

He hung up.

You and your stupid ideas!

Give the pig a screen test,

and the horse will come running with his "tails" between his "leg."

Well, he's got my tail between his legs!

- He's not going to do the picture. - He isn't?

No. Here I am with a script all ready to shoot, and we have no star.

- But, Mr. Fedor, you have a star-- Arnold Ziffel. - Nah.

You only have to take a look at the test he made!

- No. - But, Mr. Fedor--

I said--

- You really think he has sex appeal? - Yes, sir.

Well, it, uh, wouldn't cost anything to look.

Can't we just wait another minute? No. Now come on.

But it's going to be very embarrassing to Arnold to go back to "Hootersville"...

and tell everybody he was a failure.

He'll live it down. Come on. Let's go.

[ Phone Ringing ]

Hello? Yes, Boris? [ Oliver Sighs ]

What? We'll be right there.

Lisa, will you come on--

Well, Mr. Wise Guy, guess what.

Boris just called, and he saw Arnold's scream test,

and he's going to star him in his new picture.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Now, before we have Arnold's contract drawn up,

I want to talk about the terms with you.

Don't you think that Arnold should be here to discuss them?

Oh, no, no. I never like to talk money in front of the star.

Mr. Gronyitz can explain everything to him.

- Douglas. - Oh, yes, Doug.

Doug can explain everything to him.

We are going to start him off with a hundred dollars a week.

I think he ought to get more money.

Now you're talking like the horse.

A hundred and his own dressing room.

All right. We'll take it for the first picture.

Now what is it going to be about?

Well, it was originally a horse story,

but I had my writer rewrite the horse's lines for the pig.

I'd like to watch him do that.

Sorry, but you know how writers are.

They don't like anybody looking over their shoulder while they are working.

Well, before we start the picture,

we are going to have a big publicity campaign for the pig.

Champagne party for the press,

pictures with other stars--

the usual buildup.

[ Grunting ]

Oliver, don't hold the glass so high.

You're hiding Arnold's face.

- I'm doing him a favor. - Shoot.

Good. Now, Oliver, take Arnold over to the diving board,

and we watch him jump off.

How about a shot of me pushing him off?

Oh, come on, Oliver. Oh.

Come on. Just take him over there. [ Sighs ]

Okay, Arnold. Dive off.

All right. Go ahead. Dive off. [ Diving Board Clatters ]

Oh, you dirty-- [ Blows ]

Start shooting today, huh? Good luck, Mr. Ziffel!

Two weeks ago, he wouldn't even let Arnold in the hotel,

and now he says, "Good luck, Mr. Ziffel"!

That's Hollywood.

[ Whinnying ]

[ Grunting ]

- [ Whinnying Continues ] - [ Grunts ]

We don't need those words anymore. What?

He's been gone six hours. Never showed up on the set.

There is one thing Boris Fedor will not stand for--

an unreliable pig!

- He's fired! - But, Boris!

Fired. That's my last word.

Miss Hanson,

get me the horse's agent.

Arnold! There you are.

I told ya he was all right.

What happened? Why did you walk out on the picture?

[ Grunts ]

Well, that doesn't seem like a good reason to me.

Does it to you, Oliver? Yes, yes. I can see his point.

Arnold, why are you packing for?

- He's had enough of show business. - [ Grunts ]

He wants to go home, and so do I. Now why don't we pack?

Oh, why don't I call Boris just once more?

No, no, no. He's already put the horse in the picture.

[ Grunts ]

He seems like he's happy to hear that. And so am I.

Oliver, help him with his suitcase.

He's got too much stuff in here.

I wonder why he walked off the picture.

I'm sure he has his reasons.

What's he doing with this?

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.