Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Okay. "On Saturday night the Hooterville Barn and Repertory Company presents"--

Now, who put the elite P's in with the pica P's.

Now, where was I?

"The Hooterville Barn and Repertory Company presents...

"a new...

"spine-tinglin' play...

"entitled Who.

Who is the story of--"

- Mr. Drucker. - Be right with ya.

"Who is the story of be right with ya"?

Oh, doggone it.

Gee, I hope we didn't interrupt anything.

Well, I could be polite and say you didn't, but you did.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Well, not as sorry as I am.

Oh. Here are your two tickets for the theater.

They're, uh, 75 cents apiece. Oliver, pay him the 75 cents apiece.

- For what? - No. They're for Who.

What? No, Who.

Let me rephrase the question. These are two tickets for a play?

- Right. - Now, what's the name of the play?

- Wrong. - What's wrong?

Right.

Uh, let me try once again here.

There's a play Saturday night. Right?

Could you tell me the name of it?

Who. Either one of you!

The name of the play is Who.

Just Who?

The full name of the play is Who Killed Jock Robin?,

but we have such a small marquee on the playhouse, that all we have room for is Who.

Last year we did What Price Gloria?, and all we had room for was What.

- Oh. - Oh was three years ago.

Oh, Tell Me, Pretty Maiden.

Look, Mr. Drucker-- Pay him for the tickets, Oliver.

We'll only need one. I can't go Saturday night. I've got something on.

What? My pajamas. I'm going to bed early.

Well, you're gonna miss one of the best plays we ever put on in Miller's barn.

It's a mystery. It was written by one of our local authors, Huntley Huldane.

And guess who's the star of it. Columbo.

- Columbo? - Newt Kiley's police dog.

- A dog star? - Oh, he's a great actor.

You'll see for yourself. He'll be there, Mr. Drucker.

Oliver. Hmm?

- Aren't you going to get dressed? - For what?

No. For Who. Tonight is the play with the dog.

Have a good time.

Oh, Oliver. You promised to take me. Now go put on your tuxedo.

A tuxedo to a barn?

But it's opening night. Now go get dressed.

Look, honey. It's Saturday night. You look lovely.

Now, why don't I light a fire, open a bottle of champagne--

Nothing doing.

Oh, Lisa.

- Put on your tuxedo. - I'm not going.

Oliver, I'll tell you what. If you go with me, when we get home,

we can open the champagne and light the fire.

- I'm afraid I won't be in the mood then. - Why not?

A play with a dog always depresses me.

Oh. Come on.

Let's go. Come. Oh.

Oh, tickets, please.

Right. Thank you. Tickets, please.

Thank you. Oh. Ticket. Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Kimball. Hi.

Oh. Hi, Mrs. Douglas. Who's the penguin?

- That's my husband. - Oh. Glad to know ya.

Yeah. Uh, come on, Lisa.

Just a minute. May I have your tickets, please?

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Well, these are for the balcony.

You'll have to take the ladder to the hayloft.

Those are not balcony seats.

No. We paid 75 cents apiece for them.

Seventy-five cents? Oh. Well, then you got box seats.

Here they are. Be careful of the splinters.

Never mind. We'll find seats.

Come on, Lisa.

Oh, I wouldn't go too far, miss. The curtain goes up in five minutes.

[ Moos ]

Yeah, well, you won't need a stub. I'll remember you.

Oh, just a minute. Where are your tickets, please? You have them.

I do?

Oh. Follow me, please. There are two seats down front.

Right in there.

[ Clucking ]

Uh, excuse me. That's my seat.

[ Clucking ]

Uh, don't you want to take this with you?

Sorry, sir. No throwing things at the actors.

Oh. Hi, Mr. Ziffel. How are you, Mrs. Douglas?

Oh, I'm fine. Mmm.

Thank you. You look pretty spiffy.

- Oh. Thank you. - Been at a funeral?

- No. - This is gonna be a big night for me.

It is? What's gonna happen?

You'll find out.

Good evenin', folks,

and welcome to the Hooterville Barn and Repertory Company's...

presentation of Who Killed Jock Robin?,

a spine-tingling mystery in 12 acts.

Twelve acts?

There will be a 15-minute intermission between each act.

We won't get home until Wednesday.

Now, appearing in tonight's play are Sam Drucker,

Newt Kiley's police dog, Columbo...

and Sophia Loren.

Uh, due to circumstances beyond our control,

Miss Loren can't appear tonight,

so, uh, her part will be played by Ralph Monroe.

What are they applauding for?

Well, Ralph is a local girl.

Oh, there's another change in the cast.

Due to a foxtail in his paw, Columbo can't appear tonight either.

So, the part of the police dog will be played by Arnold the pig.

The police dog will be played by a pig?

Not just any pig. My son Arnold.

I'll wait for you outside. Sit down.

But do-- It's starting.

Pull the curtain.

You pull it.

I'm in charge of the sound effects. Well, I'm the rain.

Well, it can't rain unless you pull the curtain.

[ Honks ]

It is good to be at home in my English drawing room...

on a night like this with my faithful police dog at my side.

[ Snorts ]

What are you barking at? [ Snorting ]

There is nothing outside but the rain.

Ooh. Listen to that thunder.

Thunder. Thunder. What did I do with the thunder?

Oh. [ Rumbling ]

This will set the theater back 20 years. Shh!

[ Snorting ]

Will you stop that barking.

It is only our English downstairs maid.

Sire, there's a telephone call for you.

Thank you. Where's the telephone?

Thank you. You are a smart dog. [ Snorts ]

Does he have to bark like that?

Something is bothering him.

Hello.

What? What? What?

Now I know what it is. Jock Robin has been murdered.

[ Squeals ]

Where is your faithful police dog going?

He is going to track down the "murdererer."

Sure was a great first act, wasn't it?

Yes. Arnold was terrific, wasn't he, Oliv--

Oliver.

Uh, he left right after Arnold brought in the telephone,

said he felt like he was gonna be sick, and he went home.

Well!

[ Door Slams ]

What the-- Oh. You're home.

Just long enough to pack. I am leaving.

What are you talking about?

Walking out in the middle of the first act, leaving me there all alone--

How could you do a thing like that?

I'm sorry. Uh, would you like some champagne?

- No. - It's early. It's only, uh--

3:00?

Well, the play just ended.

I never heard of a play running till 3:00.

It would have run till 5:00, but they cut out two acts.

Here. Would you like some champagne?

No. Ah.

Arnold was just wonderful.

Do you know what he did in the eighth act?

I'll read the review in the New York Times in the morning.

- You don't want to hear about the play? - No.

Then I'm going to bed.

Wait a second. Lisa.

I've got a fire going, a bottle of champagne.

Then you won't miss me. Good night.

Oh. Lisa.

Hi. Oh. It's Champagne Charlie.

Lisa, I don't think it was very nice of you to make me sleep on the couch.

Well, I don't think it was very nice of you to walk out in the middle of the play.

You missed Arnold's big scene.

He sang "God Save the King."

He sang?

Well, he didn't really sing. Somebody put on a record, and he moved his lips to it.

Well, that's a--

[ Sizzling ]

Do you mind telling me what you're trying to do?

I'm trying something new for breakfast: bacon and eggs.

But you're supposed to slice the bacon and break the eggs.

That's not the way they did it in the play.

His lordship ordered breakfast, and then--

I don't want to hear any more about that play.

Guess who's comin' to see ya. Who?

The star of Who Killed Jock Robin? Arnold Ziffel.

For the love of-- What has he got in his mouth?

Oh, those must be his reviews.

Now there's a ham that is a ham.

Hey, listen to this.

What are you cooking? Oh, boy. Bacon and eggs, English style.

[ Squeals, Snorts ]

What happened to him? I guess he smelled the bacon.

Maybe you'd better hide it someplace. Oh.

- Lisa, why did you-- - Arnold, you can come in now.

What did the review say?

The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.

They did? Yes. Who is she?

It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor.

What do you know? You didn't see Arnold's performance.

The Crabwell Corner's Courier gave Arnold four stars.

That's one more than they gave Ethel Merman.

Oh, brother.

The Ziffels sure are excited about him.

They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian,

but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career.

[ Snorting ]

That's very understanding of them.

A lot of parents would stand in the way of their pig.

- Look, Lisa-- - Mr. Ziffel thought maybe you could help Arnold.

- Me? - Yeah. He thought maybe...

you could take Arnold to New York with you...

and introduce him to one of them big theater producers.

Why don't I take him to Hollywood and introduce him to Darryl Zanuck?

Great. How'd you like to meet Mr. Zanuck?

- [ Snorting ] - It's okay with him.

Yes. It's a shame I don't know Mr. Zanuck.

- [ Snorting ] - That ain't nice--

building up his hopes and then knocking the props out from under him.

- Well, we don't need Harold Zanuck. - Darryl.

- I thought you said you didn't know him. - I--

It doesn't make any difference, because I know a big Hollywood producer.

- His name is Boris Fedor. - I never heard of him.

- [ Snorting ] - Arnold has.

Boris is one of the biggest producers in Hollywood.

- Where do you know him from? - Hungary.

We were boys and girls together in Budapest.

Hey. Maybe you could call him about Arnold. I'll be glad to.

Yes. Why don't you do that?

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to have you bring a new actor to his attention.

A $5,000-a-week raise?

What are you? An agent or a blood turnip sucker?

Tell your client that we'll repaint his dressing room,

and he can have the studio limousine for the weekends.

That's the best I can do.

Mr. Fedor. Miss Hanson, tell me.

What could a horse do with a $5,000-a-week raise?

I'm sure I don't know, Mr. Fedor.

I don't know why I let them talk me into starring a horse in my picture.

I should have stuck to my original hunch: Elizabeth Taylor.

Yes, sir. Uh, there's a long-distance call for you-- a Mrs. Douglas.

- Douglas? - She says she's an old friend of yours from Budapest.

From Budapest?

- Hello. - Hello.

- Boris? This is Lisa Douglas. - Who?

Oh, well, that's my marital name. You knew me when I was a Gronyitz.

Gron-- Lisa Gronyitz!

- How are you, darling? - I'm fine.

- Where are you calling from? - The top of the pole.

- The top of pole where? - In "Hootersville."

Hootersville. Are you still in Hungary?

No, no. That's in this country. I tell you why I'm calling.

- Last night I went to see a play here called Who. - What?

No. Who. What they did last year.

Anyway, there was an actor in the play that was just sensational.

You should see the reviews he got.

- They said he was better than Laurence Olivier. - Oh?

He got one more star than "Edsel" Merman.

"Edsel"?

The reason I'm calling is that he should be in pictures.

- Uh, what's his name? - Arnold Ziffel. Do you want to sign him up?

Uh, well, uh,

tell him to drop by and see me, and we'll talk.

Oh, that will be wonderful. I'll tell him to do that. Thank you, Boris. Bye.

Good-bye, darling.

Arnold Ziffel.

Miss Hanson, if an actor by the name of Arnold Ziffel drops by, I'll see him.

Oh, and, Miss Hanson,

get me the horse's agent again.

[ Snorting ] He said what?

That he wants to see Arnold.

You hear that, Arnold? You're going to Hollywood.

[ Snorting ]

I'd better tell the Ziffels to start packing Arnold's bag.

Lisa,

did you tell Boris what Arnold really is?

Why, yes. The star of Who and about the reviews he got.

And Boris was very impressed. He'll make him a star in no time.

Sure, he will. Why not?

There have been a lot of big animal stars,

like Rin Tin Tin and Lassie and Mr. Ed.

Just because you're not human, that doesn't mean you can't be a movie star.

Look. It's all right with me.

If Mr. Ziffel wants to waste his money sending Arnold to Hollywood--

Money? For what? His fare to Hollywood.

Well, I ain't got no money. Well, then how is he going to get there?

Just like he gets to Pixley: hitchhike.

Well, a big star like Arnold can't hitchhike. No?

Well, don't worry, Mr. Ziffel. We'll raise the money for his fare.

[ Chattering ] Order. Order.

This is a very important meetin'. Uh, we're here to discuss ways and means...

to raise money to send Arnold to Hollywood.

- Uh, Mr. Chairman-- - Yes, Mr. Douglas.

Before we get into a big discussion...

about how to raise money to send Arnold to Hollywood,

I think we ought to find out how we feel about sending him.

And I for one am not in favor of it.

Well, I'm glad Arnold ain't present to hear what you just said.

He always considered you his friend.

I am his friend. But--

Fine friend. You didn't even stay to see his play.

Then I don't think he's qualified to discuss this matter.

Whatever it is.

Look. I'm a member of this chamber, and I--

Can we see your membership card?

Yes. Uh-- Oh. I'm afraid I left it at home.

Well, if you ain't got a membership card, you're not entitled to say anything.

- Well, look. I-- - You'll just have to sit down and be quiet.

Not there. In the spectator section.

I'm sitting right here.

May I say something?

Certainly, Mrs. Douglas.

Well, just a moment. Uh, how come my wife can talk?

She doesn't have a card. She's not a member.

If she ain't a member, she don't need no card.

Go ahead, Mrs. Douglas.

Thank you. Gentlemen and spectator,

I don't think there is any question in anybody's mind here--

except you know whose-- that we all want to send Arnold to Hollywood.

I think it would be a wonderful thing for Hootersville.

So, gentlemen and spectator,

I say we should raise the money for Arnold and Hootersville.

Thank you.

I agree with Mrs. Douglas.

After all, Hooterville ain't never had a movie star before.

You're forgettin' Clara Mittknocker.

Well, she wasn't a big movie star.

That's right. She was just an extra in Our Gang comedies.

- May I say something? - Chair recognizes Hank Kimball.

Oh. Well, I'll wait till he's finished talking then.

- That's you. - Oh. [ Chuckles ]

- Uh, what is it you wanted to say, Hank? - About what?

I'm sure I don't know.

Well, then I suggest you shut up and stop wasting the chamber's time. Thank you.

Look. We all seem to be in agreement, uh, about sending Arnold to Hollywood.

Now, the next question is, how are we gonna raise the money?

Uh, why don't we get the state to float...

an eight or 10 million dollar sewer bond issue for us,

and then we'll hold out a few hundred dollars for Arnold's trip?

A bond issue?

Are there any other suggestions?

I have one. Uh, when we were trying to raise money...

for the Young People's Agriculture Society, we had a--

No. That was the Old People's Agriculture Society.

Well, we raised a lot of money, um--

Well, not a lot of money. It was almost, uh--

No. It was less than that. Uh, what did you do?

About what? About raising money.

Oh, we had a telethon. Oh, that's a good idea.

We had one in New York, and they had a lot of stars in it,

and they raised a great deal of money.

Well, now, why don't we do that?

Wh-What stars should we get?

Why don't you get, uh, Frank Sinatra?

And then he'll bring along Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr.

Oh, this ain't New York.

What we need is some real big names.

- How about Pinky Lee? - Now you're talkin'.

How much money did they raise in that telethon, Mrs. Douglas?

- $80,000 in 12 hours. - We don't need that much.

Well, then why don't we just have a six-hour one and raise $40,000?

Lisa, you left the TV on.

[ Haney On TV ] Thank you very much there, Marvin.

Folks, this is the fourth day of our six-hour telethon,

and in that time we have raised a grand total...

of $9.82.

$9.82 in four days?

Just keep them telephone calls coming in.

[ Phone Rings ] There's one now.

Hello?

Well! Well, thank you.

Folks, this is a pledge for $250.

What nut would pledge that?

The pledge was made by Mr. Oliver Douglas of Hooterville.

I didn't pledge any-- I'm not even on the ph--

- Lisa! - One minute, Oliver.

And I pledge another 250 for myself.

Lisa!

And Mrs. Douglas pledges another $250 for herself.

No, she didn't!

Lisa, come down off of there!

Lisa!

I sure do want to thank you folk for all the money you donated.

- Oh, it's a pleasure. - And Arnold wants to thank you too.

- [ Snorts ] - Give him a kiss, Arnold.

[ Snorting ]

If that pig comes near me, I'll--

And since you folks think so much of him,

I know you'll take good care of him in Hollywood.

What are you talking about? We're not taking him to Hollywood.

Well, he can't go by himself. Why don't you take him?

Oh. My wife would never trust me in Hollywood with all them movie stars.

She's afraid I'd pick up with where I left off with Clara Mittknocker.

I'm sorry, Mr. Ziffel, but I--

Oliver, it would be better if we took him.

Then I could introduce him to Mr. Fedor personally.

I knew I could count on you.

Well, so long, Arnold. And when you get to be a big star, don't forget your ma and pa.

Maybe he won't, but I will.

Where are you going? To pack.

Lisa, you're wasting your time. Oliver, suppose nobody has taken Laurence Oliver to Hollywood.

He would be a nobody. Will you stop comparing--

The point is that this is Arnold's big chance.

Remember the picture A Star Is Born?

There he is in real life.

[ Snorting ]

[ Oliver ] Next week, Arnold packs up his suitcase,

and Lisa and I take him to Hollywood...

to make a screen test at Master-Arts Studios...

for the great producer Boris Fedor.

Arnold becomes a star and goes Hollywood.

Tune in to Green Acres next week for part two of "A Star Named Arnold Is Born."

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.