Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

And a side of bacon. Anything else, Mrs. Mullen?

Twelve pounds of jelly beans.

Kenny.

No, I think that'll be all.

Could you charge this for me, Mr. Drucker?

My husband says he'll pay you as soon as he gets back from Chicago.

Oh, sure. Is he gonna get back in time for the new arrival?

- What's arriving? - The stork.

I thought you said it was a baby.

It is. Oh. And then we're going to get a stork too?

Boys are sure stupid.

Hello, Mr. Drucker. Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

Hello there. Hello there to you.

And what is your name?

Kenny Mullen, and this is my sister.

What's your name again? Molly.

Uh, this is Mrs. Mullen. Mr. and Mrs. Douglas.

- How do you do? - Hello.

The Mullens have just moved in to the old Fenton place.

Glad to have you as neighbors.

Glad enough to buy me some jelly beans?

- Well-- - Twelve pounds of jelly beans.

Yes, sir. Kenny, that's not polite.

What difference does it make? I got the jelly beans, didn't I?

Here ya are, Kenny.

Thanks.

Well, aren't you going to give some to your sister?

No. I'm saving them for the new arrival.

We're going to get a baby and a stork.

How about that?

When are you expectin' the little one?

Well, the doctor said in about--

Oh.

- What's the matter? - I think the doctor was wrong.

Oh. Oh, well. Well, you better sit down.

Oh, Mr. Drucker, will you call the doctor, please?

Yeah. I-- I better call him. Uh, Doctor!

No, on the phone.

Oh. Oh, yeah. The phone. Where's the phone?

There!

I wouldn't waste time phoning. I'd get her to the hospital in a car.

To the hospital. The hospital.

The hospital. Ooh. I don't have a hospital.

I mean, I don't have a hospital to take you to the car.

I mean, I don't-- Please. I'll be glad to take you. Come on.

What about the children? Oh, don't worry. Mr. Douglas and I will take care of them.

Oh.

Yeah. Then we all went back to Barbara's house for some pizza.

[ Groans ] I can still taste it. Uh, miss.

Just a second, please. You know, you'd think after all these years she'd know how to cook.

Uh, miss, if you don't mind, we'd like to have a baby.

I mean, the lady's going to have a baby.

Oh. I'll call you back.

Uh, this is Admitting. I've got an emergency for Maternity.

Somebody will be here in just a minute.

Thank you. Thank you. You'll be all right. Yes, I know.

Ah. There we go.

Take it easy. Everything's gonna be fine. All right.

Thank you. Good luck now.

Thank you. I'll be seeing you.

Well, that's a relief. Thank you.

Oh, just a second, sir. There are a few formalities.

Uh, what do you mean? Ah, we have some papers to fill out so we can admit your wife.

Oh, uh, you don't understand. Now then. Name.

Uh, her name is Mrs. Mullens.

Mullens.

- First name. - I don't know.

You don't know your wife's first name?

Well, of course I do. It's Lisa.

Knew you'd think of it.

Lisa.

You expectant fathers are all alike.

No. No. I'm not expecting a father. I'm-- No. I mean--

How long have you and Mrs. Mullens been married?

We're not married.

Oh?

Oh. We-- You-- You've got this all wrong.

Look. I've got a wife of my own.

Oh?

Uh, Mrs. Mullens is just a neighbor.

- Her husband's in Chicago, and, uh-- - I see.

No, you don't see.

Look. My name is Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

-I was in Drucker's store with my wife-- -I thought she wasn't your wife.

No. Oh. No, not this one. My other wife.

Well, you just got her here in time. It's a boy.

- Oh. - Your wife is fine.

They're not married. Oh?

She's just a neighbor. Really?

Look.

I just met Mrs. Mullens a half hour ago.

I drove her here because her husband's away. That's all there is to it!

Phew! I wonder how a man like that can sleep at night.

Oliver. How's Mrs. Mullens?

Oh, she's fine. What was it?

A boy. Well, aren't you going to give me a cigar?

Lisa, I had enough trouble--

Isn't that cute?

Can I have my arrow back?

Here. Stuck pretty good, didn't it?

You see, if you wet it this way-- Who is this?

One of the Mullen kids. I thought there were only two of them.

No. There were four more at home.

Come on out, kids. Meet the big cheese.

Darling, Molly and Kenny you already met in the store. Mm-hmm.

- And this is John. - I'm Terry.

Oh? Well, then this is John.

- I'm Bruce. - Well, then this must be John.

- I'm Eric. - Well, then who are you?

- I'm John. - Oh. That's where you went.

Well, that's all of them. Hey. You forgot me. I'm Eb.

Oh. Oh, yes. This is Eb.

I've met him.

Children, this is my husband.

Is he gonna be our new father?

He doesn't look very new to me.

Uh, uh, look, kids. First-- [ Clears Throat ]

I want to tell you that your mother is all right, and you have a new baby brother.

- What's his name? - I don't know.

A fine father you are.

Uh, look, kids. I just want you to know that you can stay here...

until your mother comes home from the hospital,

and I'm sure we're all gonna get along fine, huh?

Why should we? We never did before.

Eb, uh, don't you have some chores to do?

- Yes, sir. - Well, take the children with you and let them help.

Welcome to Green Acres, kids,

sometimes known as the sweatshop on the hill.

Eb.

Okay. Follow me now. Single file.

Hup, two, three, four. Hup, two, three, four.

Lisa. Uh--

What are you doing? Making lunch for the children. Caviar sandwiches.

Caviar sandwiches? What are you gonna serve with 'em? Champagne?

Do we have enough bottles?

Lisa, children do not drink champagne or eat caviar sandwiches.

My mother always gave me caviar sandwiches.

Caviar is not good for children.

It never hurt me. Except in the spring.

I'd always try to swim upstream.

Give them caviar. They're not going swimming anyway.

Will you call the children and tell them lunch is ready?

All right.

Hey, kids!

Come on! Lunch is ready!

Come on! Let's go! Boy, am I hungry!

[ All Shouting ]

Oliver! What are you lying on the ground for?

Those kids knocked me. All right, you kids. Come out here!

Line up! [ Chattering ]

Let's get one thing straight. If you want to stay here,

you've gotta act like human beings, not like a bunch of wild Indians.

You do that once more-- Oliver, don't yell at them, or they'll grow up to be hippies.

Lisa. All right. Now, all right, children.

Everybody wash their hands and go in and sit down to lunch. Go on.

There you go. Hurry up.

There you are. One second, please.

Wash your hands, or no lunch.

Did everybody have enough to eat? [ All ] Yeah!

Now, kids, everybody go outside and play.

Hey. Wait, wait. Hold it. Hold it. Here, here. Wait. Clear the table first.

What do you want us to do with the dishes? Put them in the dishwasher.

No! Don't throw them! Hey, hey, hey!

Stop! No. Don't. Come on. Gently, gently, gently.

Gently. Gently.

[ Smash ]

Eb, I want you to keep an eye on 'em this afternoon.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

[ Oliver ] Eb!

Well, he's a great one to leave in charge.

Well, it's nice that he has some kids to play with for a change. Look, he--

I better call New York and order some more caviar so we have it for lunch tomorrow.

Lisa, you can't go on feeding 'em caviar.

What are we gonna have for dinner tonight?

Uh, how do hotcakes hit you?

Fortunately I've never been hit by one.

You keep talking like this and you may.

Lisa, you've gotta get somebody to help you with the cooking.

Have you got any suggestions?

Yes. There are several people I could suggest.

Howdy doody.

And that's not one of 'em.

Why not? Ralph.

- Yes, ma'am. - Watch it, you--

Did I bump his little head?

Yes, you did.

Want me to kiss it and make it better?

Keep your liver lips to yourself.

Ralph, with the children here, I wonder if you could help me with the cooking?

I'm not much of a cook. You're not much of anything.

Ooh! Will you please be careful!

- Can you do it? - Well, gladly.

If I can get an okay from lambie-pie here...

to be excused from my carpentry duties in the bedroom.

- Is it okay, lambie? - Yes. Okay.

Oh. Good. I'll go wash up.

Could you hold this, please?

Could I--

Ooh!

All I hope is that she's a better cook than a carpenter. She'd have to be.

What should we have first? You got some tomato juice?

There are some cans in the closet.

Hi. Ah, the foreman's here.

How's dinner coming? Fine.

Hey.

Hey. That smells pretty good. What is it?

My overalls. I'm boiling them out for tomorrow.

- What are we having for dinner? - Stew.

- When are you gonna start? - As soon as I finish boiling out my overalls.

Look, Ralph--

Here's the tomato juice. Oh. Would you hold these?

What, uh, will you--

Oliver, we ought to buy one of those can openers.

That's not a can opener. That's an electric drill. Somebody told you.

Look, Ralph-- Get me two glasses for the tomato juice.

Oliver, we ought to get one of those potato peelers too.

Oh, the-- Oh, that's a plane.

You've been peeking.

If you want to keep busy, why don't you get a chisel out of my toolbox...

and start taking the eyes out of these potatoes?

Look. Do you have to use your carpenter tools to cook with?

These are my cooking carpenter tools.

My working carpenter tools are in the bedroom.

Oliver, instead of complaining, why don't you try to help?

What do you want me to do? Why don't you slice the bread?

Where is it? It's in the vise.

That's no place for the bread. Start slicing.

Look, you two finish building dinner. I'll get the kids ready.

Excuse me, Ralph. I'll do it.

Okay, kids. Settle down. Oh, oh. That's all right. I'll call Molly.

Where's Molly? She's in bed.

Well, we got a sleeping bag out here for her.

Oh, that's not for her. That's for you.

What do you mean?

Well, the boys sleep out here, and the girls sleep in there.

What girls?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Why's she sleeping in there?

Well, she has to get up in the morning and make breakfast for the kids.

Yes, but-- Good night, darling.

Good night, boys. [ All ] Good night.

Shut out, huh?

Go to sleep!

Mr. Douglas. What?

You forgot to turn the light off.

One of you kids can turn it off.

That's the rule. The last one in bed turns the light out.

So I have to turn the--

That's the rule. [ Mutters ]

Mr. Douglas. What now?

I can't sleep with the light off.

- The light stays off. - Okay.

But you're gonna hear a lot of crying all night.

Now, is there anything else? [ All ] No.

Anybody want a drink of water? [ All ] No.

Anybody want to go to the-- [ All ] No.

Good night.

- [ Crows ] - Wake up. Wake up.

[ Groans ]

What? Huh? I've got to go to school.

You woke me up to tell me that?

No. I woke you up to tell you you have to take me.

I've got to be there at 7:30.

Well, how about the school bus?

Oh, we've been barred from that.

- Why? - I'd rather not say.

All right. Wake your brothers.

- They don't go at 7:30. They go later. - All right.

Get your breakfast, and I'll take ya.

Let's go.

Why didn't you think of that before we got started?

Where are you going? To get some breakfast.

You haven't got time. Why?

The kids have to be in school at 8:30.

8:30? Come on out, boys. The chauffeur is here.

Where's the rest of them? They don't go with us.

What do you mean? These two go at 8:30.

Bruce goes at 9:30. Molly goes at 10:00. And Terry goes at 12:00.

I can't go running back and forth all day.

Why can't the 9:30's and the 10:30's come with the 8:30's and wait in the school yard?

We can't. We all go to different schools.

Get in.

Did you get them all delivered? Finally!

Where do you think you're going?

To get some lunch. It's 12:30. I haven't had breakfast yet.

Well, you haven't got time. You have to pick up the 7:30 at school.

Oh! What are you--

What do you think you're doing? I'm trying to get something to eat.

You'll spoil your supper. We're gonna eat in about an hour.

It's 5:00. I haven't had any breakfast or lunch,

taking the kids to school and bringing them home.

Now you know what it's like to be a mother.

Oliver. Oliver. Good news.

Mrs. Mullen is bringing the baby home from the hospital tomorrow.

Oh, thank goodness. I don't think I could stand another day like today. I'm beat.

- Well, after dinner, you can take a nap. - Good.

I'll wake you up in time to take us to the drive-in.

- The drive-in? - Well, I-- I promised the kids,

since this is their last night here, we'll take them to the movies.

Oh!

All right. Everybody set? [ All ] Yeah!

Let's go to the movies! [ Chattering ]

Let's go to the movies!

Let's go!

Why didn't you think of that before you got in the car?

[ All Shouting ]

Come on.

[ All Grunting ] Oliver.

Oliver, can't we get any closer?

This is the only spot that's left.

Hey, hey, hey. Settle down. Hey. [ Whistles ]

Watch the picture. We can't hear.

I'll get the speaker.

[ Children Laugh ] That was clever.

The wire is-- [ Eb ] We can't hear.

I said the wire was too short.

[ Together ] Shh!

Oliver, there is a speaker over there.

What a place to spend a honeymoon.

Uh, pardon me. Will you be u--

Uh, would you mind if I, uh, uh, uh--

Oh. Well, I guess they don't care.

[ Click ]

All right. Give me the speaker.

[ Smash ]

That was clever too.

You should've held on to it.

I'll get it.

They never even noticed it.

Can everybody see and hear now? [ All ] Yeah.

Quiet. Be quiet. Watch the movie now.

[ Roaring ]

- I'm hungry. - You just finished dinner.

I want some popcorn. Oliver, get her some popcorns.

All right. Anybody else want anything?

I'll have a hamburger. I want a pizza.

Get me an ice-cream cone. I'll have a hot dog.

- Get me a chocolate bar. - I'll have spaghetti and meatballs on a stick.

Look, I'm not getting everybody something different.

[ All ] Aw. I'll go get it.

Yeah. Go on! Hurry. All right. Here. Here. Here's $10. Bring me the change.

Yes, sir. Run. Come on.

[ Roaring ]

I'm hungry. Where's the popcorn?

- I don't know. - Oliver, Terry has been gone more than a half an hour.

I think he's lost.

- Well-- - You better go and look for him.

All right.

Here you are. Where's Mr. Douglas?

He went to look for you. Oh.

That's okay. I forgot to bring him anything anyway.

I better go and tell him you're back.

Hey. Careful. You kids start eating.

[ Roaring ]

Well, I found him.

- Found who? - Terry.

I'm Terry.

Well, who are you? Clarence.

But we don't have a Clarence in the family.

Would you like to adopt me?

No, thanks. Now, Lisa, w--

- Where's my wife? - She went to look for you.

Come on. I'll take you back where I found you.

I got a pizza for Mrs. Douglas. Oh.

I better go find her before it gets cold.

Hey. What happened to you?

Oh, that stupid kid told his father I was tryin' to kidnap him.

Where's Ralph? She went to look for Mrs. Douglas.

Oh. Hello there. I was looking all over for you, but you weren't there.

- Lisa, you didn't have to-- - Where's Ralph?

- She went to look for you. - Oh. Well, then I better go and look for her.

No. You just get in the car and sit there. I'll go look for her.

And I don't want anybody to move.

[ All Groan ] Oh, thanks.

I couldn't find Mrs. Douglas anywhere. Oh, you're back. Yes.

- Well, where'd Mr. Douglas go? - He went to look for you.

Oh, I'd better go look for him. Where are you going?

To look for you. I-- Get back in the car.

Everybody stays put. Nobody leaves this car till we get home.

Meanie! [ All Groaning ]

Mrs. Douglas, I brought you a pizza.

Oh? Where is it?

Guess.

Lisa.

What's taking the kids so long?

They're packing. Well, tell 'em to hurry up.

Their mother's at home waiting for them. Oliver.

Hmm? Aren't you going to miss them?

Oh, yeah. Yes. I suppose so.

Don't you like them? Oh, yeah. Nice kids.

Don't you wish they could stay?

Well, I guess so.

You're not only saying that because you know they're leaving?

Oh, no. No. Good.

Because your wish has come true.

What? They're not leaving.

Why not?

Kenny got the measles.

[ Shouts ] The meas--

I guess he caught them from me.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.