Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Oliver. Mmm.

Do you think we could-- Please. I'm thinking.

How long is that going to take you?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Do you mind if I sit down and watch you think?

If you want to.

Are you through thinking yet?

Uh, just be quiet.

Yes, sir.

[ Loud Crack ]

Do you have to do that?

You do if you want to get the nut out.

Yes, I'd like to get the nut out. I'd like to get her out of the room.

Oliver, that wasn't very nice.

Lisa, I got a problem. I'm trying to figure it out.

- I got a problem too. - Well, fine.

You just sit there quietly, and you figure out your problem,

and I'll sit here and figure out mine.

Yes, sir.

[ Loud Scraping ]

What are you doing?

I am not crackling walnuts.

I thought you were gonna think about your problem.

- I solved it. - Good.

I decided not to ask you. You see, that was the problem--

whether I should ask you or whether I shouldn't.

- Ask what? - What difference does it make if I'm not going to ask you?

Fine. Fine.

What are you doing now?

I'm tearing up the problem I was going to ask you.

What was it?

An invitation from the princess to visit her in Monte Carlo.

Monte Carlo. That's all I need.

Oh? If you want to go, I can paste it together again.

I don't want to go.

Oliver, what's bothering you?

You mean besides you?

If you tell me, maybe I could help you.

You know the old saying: Two heads are better than yours.

Lisa, this is just one of those problems you can't help me with.

Why not? You know the other old saying:

Behind every man there is a good woman standing in front of him.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. My aunt always used to say that.

Nutty Lulu.

Well, as long as you know it, then maybe I could help you.

All right. My problem is that I don't know what crops to plant for next season.

Well, that's easy. Just don't plant what you planted last season...

because they were nowhere.

I know that.

You see how easy it is once you talk it over?

There must be something I can plant that I can make money on.

Well, if you want to make money, why don't we go to Monte Carlo?

Sure. Lose everything I have on the roulette wheel.

My mother has a surefire system for not losing at roulette.

Do you want to know what it is? What?

Shoot craps. Bye.

Look, fellers, unless I get your seed order today,

I can't guarantee delivery.

Don't rush us. This takes a little thought.

Oh, we can't stand another year like we had last year.

- What was wrong with it? - We all lost money.

Oh. I thought that was the year before.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning, Mr. Douglas. Hey, why don't you ask Mr. Douglas what he's gonna plant?

Why ask him? He's a born loser.

- Mr. Trendell-- - He ain't gonna plant nothin'. He's goin' to Monte Carlo.

- I'm not going to Monte Carlo. - Where's that?

- It's on the coast of France. - Where's that?

- It's-- - Well, you must be pretty proud of yourself,

runnin' off and desertin' us when the ship is sinkin'.

Ooh, you're goin' by ship?

- I'm not goin' anywhere. - We know that.

Mr. Trendell-- Roy, why don't you leave Mr. Douglas alone.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, look, fellows. I came in to ask you what crops you're gonna plant this year.

I might as well plant corn again. That was my best crop last year.

Lost only six dollars an acre on it.

Well, then you better put me down for alfalfa,

'cause I only lost four dollars an acre on that.

Is that all?

Well, then you better change me to alfalfa.

I'll plant that too.

Gentlemen, gentlemen. This is no way to plant--

planting crops you're gonna lose money on.

We're-- We're farming to make money.

Douglas, we can do without your radical ideas.

What's so radical about making money?

How much did you make out of your farm last year?

Well--

- You see? - Ah, that don't prove nothin'.

He wouldn't make no money even in a good year.

Now see here, Mr. Ziffel.

We're wastin' time. Make up your mind what you're gonna plant, and give me your seed orders.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna plant nothin'. That way I won't get hurt.

I'll go along with that.

This is ridiculous.

There must be something we can plant to make money from.

You name it, we'll plant it.

What are you good for? [ Hank ] Wouldn't you like to know?

It's you.

Yes. I didn't want to interrupt you while you were talking to the dirt.

Mr. Kimball-- I had a cousin that used to talk to dirt.

Well, it wasn't dirt. It was mud.

He started when he was a kid talking to sand in the sandbox.

Flunked kindergarten six times in a row.

- I was just thinking out loud. - What about?

I was just wondering what this soil is good for.

Well-- [ Chuckles ]

Why don't you ask it?

Hello, little earth. What are you good for?

Mr. Kimball, would you plea-- Shh! Maybe it'll answer.

Mr. Kimball, the farmers around here have a serious problem.

- They do? What is it? - You.

For a man that has a handful of dirt, that's pretty sarcastic.

Mr. Kimball, you're our county agent, aren't you?

Do you realize that last year every farmer in this valley lost money?

Well, there's a simple solution to that: Move out of the valley.

We don't want to move.

Then you're just gonna have to get used to losing money.

- Anything else I can help you with? - You haven't helped me.

Oh, come on. Let's not pout.

I realize how bad things are for the people around here,

but this never would have happened if they'd listened to me in the first place.

Come to think of it, they did listen to me in the first place.

Mr. Kimball, this land in this valley must be good for growing something.

- Oh, it is. - What?

Well, there was one farmer round here that ended up with $30,000 last year.

- What did he plant? - His uncle.

He died and left him $30,000.

You mis--

Look, Mr. Kimball, is there any crop that would grow well in this soil?

Grapefruit.

It isn't warm enough for grapefruit.

It isn't? Hmm.

To think I had one for breakfast this morning.

Look, do you people keep any records of what has been grown here and a soil analysis?

Yes. I think I have that information over at the office.

Would you get it for me?

Get what?

The records! Oh. Yes, sir.

I'll-- I'll run right over and get 'em for you right now.

[ Chuckles ] I was going in the wrong direction.

Oliver. Mmm.

Are you still thinking?

No. I'm going over these reports that Kimball sent over.

Oh.

What are you doing? I'm trying to see if I set the table for dinner.

I don't think you did. Oh. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Do you have to do this now?

You always get so mad if dinner isn't ready in time.

Lisa, I would appreciate it if you would just let me alone for an hour or two.

All right. Would it bother you if I start dinner now?

Not if you're quiet. I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

Fine.

How quiet is a mouse?

Lisa! Sorry.

[ Creaks ]

Lisa, will you please--

Hi.

[ Door Slams ]

Shh! What's the matter?

Has he got a hangover? No. He's just grouchy.

Is that why he threw the drawer at you?

Look, Eb.

What are you doing, Dad?

Eb, I'm not your dad.

But if I were, oh, boy, would I give it to you.

What's this stuff? Old records.

Oh.

Eb, p-- Will you put that down?

Hey. These are the records of the old Carmichael place.

I remember him when I was a kid.

Boy, he was a great farmer. One year he made $28,000.

- What did he plant? - His aunt.

Why do I keep asking that question?

I'd forgotten all about Crazy Carmichael.

They called him that because every year...

he'd plant 400 acres of rutabagas, but never could sell 'em.

Why not? Nobody knew what they were.

- What are they? - Oh, they're a kind of a turnip.

Boy, you never saw "rutabagers" like old Crazy used to grow.

- Some of them were this big. - If you're looking for your plate--

No. I'm looking for a Department of Agriculture bulletin...

that I saw here on rutabagas.

Oh. Here. Here we are. "The Production of Turnips and Rutabagas."

"The soil: Turnips thrive on a fairly acid soil,

but rutabagas have a higher lime requirement."

Isn't that interesting?

According to this regional soil analysis,

the soil here in this valley is very high in the lime content.

Oliver! That's fascinating.

- I've got an idea. - From such a small kiss?

No. I think I know a way to solve the farming problem around here.

Gentlemen, uh, this was supposed to be a meeting of all the farmers in the valley.

Well, you picked a bad night.

There's a big picture on TV tonight,

and everybody wanted to stay home to see it.

Yeah. Elizabeth the Queen, starring Ruby Keeler and Pinky Tomlin.

This is very important.

Whatever it is, let's get it over with so we can go home, see the last half of the picture.

I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Well, you say you will, but you won't.

Gentlemen, how would you like to make your farms pay off this year?

Well, that'd be great.

I'll vote for that. Me too. Now can we go home?

Wait, wait. Please. Here. Sit down.

I haven't explained my idea yet.

I knowed there's a catch to it.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Now, I've been doing research on the economy of this valley,

and there's one crop that grows extremely well here:

rutabagas.

- Did you say rutabaga? - That's right.

And my suggestion is that everybody in the valley plant them.

Are you any relation to Crazy Carmichael?

No, I'm not.

Oh, we know we can grow rutabagas here,

but what's the point in growin' if we can't sell 'em?

We can sell them.

My idea is to create a market for them.

Look what Florida did with oranges,

Idaho with potatoes, Washington with apples.

I never knew Washington ate apples.

That isn't what--

Look. What I'm proposing is that we make this a cooperative venture.

We all plant rutabagas and invest a small amount of money in publicity...

to show the consumer that rutabagas are good for 'em-- they're healthy.

There are lots of inexpensive meals you can cook with 'em. Things like that.

In other words, we'll create a demand for them.

- Well, I don't know. - Well, you don't have to make up your minds this moment.

Good. Then we can see what's left of the movie.

Rutabagas. Well, what's wrong with the idea?

- Douglas thought of it. - It might work.

But suppose it didn't work.

This valley would be stuck with 6,000 acres of rutabagas.

Imagine how that'd smell on a hot day.

But-- Yeah, but if we create a market--

Oh, hello there. Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

Please don't get up. Oh, I can't. I'm stuck to the chair.

We were just talking about your husband, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, he isn't Mrs. Douglas. He's Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, we was discussing that crackpot idea of his.

Which crackpot idea of his was that?

About the rutabagas.

Well, I happen to think Mr. Douglas has a good idea,

to make the world rutabaga-conscious.

Most of the farmers around here barely make a living out of what they grow.

So, if growin' rutabagas and creatin' a market for 'em will do it, I'm for it.

You wouldn't talk like that if we didn't owe you money.

Well, it worked for Florida.

They made the world orange-conscious with their Orange Bowl football game,

their parade and their orange queen.

That's a good idea. We could have the same here.

We could have an Orange Bowl, but with rutabagas,

and we could have a Rose Parade with a rutabaga float.

Doggone. We could do that, couldn't we?

Well, now it's startin' to make sense.

Sure. If we all put our minds to it,

we could make Hooterville the rutabaga capital of the world.

What did they say?

They're going to have the Rutabaga Bowl here,

and they're going to have a parade with rutabaga floats and a rutabaga queen.

Oh, they were putting you on.

No. They're serious. They all divided up into committees.

Now, Mr. Trendell is in charge of getting the football teams,

and Mr. Kiley is going to try to get one of the old Rose Parade queens...

to convert to rutabagas.

And you're in charge of the Rutabaga Bowl Ball.

- The Rutabaga-- - They'd like to have that at the White House.

Oh. Well, I'll see what I can do.

Good. Now you're getting into the spirit of things.

Lisa, this is ridiculous.

- You won't think that when you watch it on TV. - TV?

That's Mr. Ziffel's committee.

Hello? Hello?

Sarah, are you gettin' my number?

Uh, Mr. Ziffel. Just a minute.

I'm callin' New York.

Hello. Is this CBS?

Yeah. Well, I want to talk to the fella that sends out the color TV cameras.

Mr. Ziffel. Just a minute.

Uh, I want to order about 12 of your best TV cameras.

Six of 'em ought to have the slow motion thing on it,

and the other six with the instant replay.

- Mr. Ziffel. - What's it for?

Oh, it's for the football game we're having here in the Rutabaga Bowl.

The football game in the Rutabaga Bowl here in Hooterville.

Hooterville! Hooter-- What?

Here. Will you tell that fella I ain't drunk?

He's not drunk, but he might just as well be.

Now, what did you hang up for? Now the cameras won't be here in time.

Cameras for what? The football game in the Rutabaga Bowl.

Roy's out lining up the teams now.

Hello. Is this the University of Southern California?

Oh, Mr. Trendell. Didn't anybody ever tell you to knock?

The door was open. Hello.

I'd like to talk to the fella in charge of the football schedule.

Uh, oh, no. Mr. Trendell, you're wasting your time. Hello.

Are you in charge of the football schedule at USC?

[ Laughs ] Good. Now, how would you like to have your team...

meet the Hooterville Rockets in the Rutabaga Bowl?

The Ruta--

Well, if that's the way you feel, we'll get somebody else.

Hello, Sarah. Get me Notre Dame University in Indi--

Never mind, Sarah. Hang up.

What did you do that for? I'm trying to save you from making a fool of yourself.

There isn't gonna be any Rutabaga Bowl.

No? Then why is Newt calling Sophia Loren to be the rutabaga queen?

Hello? Uh, is this Rome, Italy?

Well, I'd like to talk to Sophie Loren.

Her phone number? Uh, just a second.

Uh, uh, her number's...

Colosseum, quattro, uno, uno, uno.

Grazie.

Mr. Kiley, you-- Oh. Hello.

Sophie? Newt Kiley.

Fine. How are you?

Well, that's good.

Say, how would you like to be the rutabaga queen here in Hooterville?

Oh, I knew you would!

Oh, I'll let you know the date.

Arrivederci, honey.

What was it you wanted to see me about, Mr. Douglas?

Nothing.

Nothing.

What's wrong with the people of this community?

I had a simple idea about raising rutabagas.

The next thing I know, Ziffel is trying to get CBS to send him color cameras,

Trendell is trying to get the USC football team...

and Newt is calling Sophia Loren to be a rutabaga queen.

This is absurd. That's what I told 'em, but they get carried away.

- They sure do. - Yeah.

Wonder why Ed Sullivan hasn't called me back.

- What? - Well, I thought we oughta do something sensible,

so I called him about buying 10 minutes of time on his program.

- Ten minutes-- - I didn't want him to do anything fancy.

Just talk about rutabagas.

Look. Uh, why don't we call this whole thing off?

Includin' the balloon ascension today?

Yes. Including--

- What balloon? - Well, that was Haney's committee.

See, he's the only one in the valley that owns a balloon.

He used to go up in it at state fairs.

This one I don't understand at all.

Well, you see, Haney's idea was to fill the basket full of rutabagas,

send the balloon up, and let it float over the country...

droppin' rutabagas as it goes.

And Mr. Haney's gonna go up in the balloon?

No, no. He's not gonna go up in it. He's selecting some pretty girl to ride in it.

What girl in her right mind would go up in a balloon?

Mr. Douglas. Mr. Douglas. Guess who was elected balloon queen.

Uh, Mrs. Douglas, have you ever flowed in a balloon before?

I don't think so.

I was once locked into the ladies' room on the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Well, balloon flyin' is a little like that,

except you're more out in the open.

Are you sure this is safe, Mr. Haney?

- Yes, ma'am. - Suppose you get a leak in the bag?

You just call the Auto Club,

and they'll send somebody up to fix it.

Now, as soon as we release the balloon, it'll go straight up,

and then the prevailin' winds will just carry it across the country.

And every time you fly over a likely-lookin' town or city,

drop a few "rutabagers."

There's a tag on each one...

that says "Eat Hooterville Rutabagas."

Now, these are actually Pixley rutabagas,

but by the time the orders start comin' in, we'll be growin' our own.

How do I get down?

Just pull that rope.

I'd pull it as soon as you get over, uh, Anaheim, "Californy."

Uh, there ain't no point in goin' any further west...

'cause, uh, I don't think there's much of a rutabaga market in Hawaii.

Anything else I should know? No.

Well, then let's get the show on the road.

Stand back, everybody!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Have a good trip, Mrs. Douglas.

Lisa! Lisa! Lisa, come back!

Pick me up in Anaheim.

Lisa, come down. Lisa!

Eat "Hootersville" rutabagas.

Lisa, come on down!

Eat "Hootersville" rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville rutabagas.

Eat Hootersville rutabagas.

Fighter command headquarters. Major Boland.

What? Somebody's bombing Denver?

- Scramble. Scramble. - [ Alarm Blaring ]

Oliver.

What? You thinking?

Yes. What about?

I'd rather not say.

Do you mind if I sit down and watch you think?

I'd rather you didn't.

You're still bugged about the balloon.

Oh, no, I'm not.

But that was the most stupid thing you've ever done.

That's all you've said ever since I came home.

And I'll keep on saying it. That was the most stupid thing you've ever done.

I'm sorry.

Do you realize you could have been killed?

They almost shot you down over Denver.

Well, it's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to be shot down there.

Lisa, I nearly went out of my mind.

I'm sorry, but-- but everybody said you had such a good idea with the rutabagas,

and I was just trying to help you.

Well, I appreciate that.

But that was the most stupid thing you've ever done.

Well, I guess I've done a lot of stupid things in my life,

but I did one smart thing-- when I married you.

- I agree. - Where would I be without you?

Floating over Denver.

Maybe I could help to take your mind off it.

How?

I could sit on your lap.

Ooh. How did they get that balloon off the ground?

That did it. Lisa, please. I'm only kidding.

This has been a nightmare. Let's just forget about the whole thing.

[ Knocking ]

- Come in. - Mr. Douglas?

- Yes. - I'm from CBS.

I have the 12 color cameras you ordered for the Rutabaga Bowl.

- What? - Six slow motion. Six instant replay.

Oliver. What?

You want to go for a balloon ride?

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.