Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Oh, for--

Uh, wait a minute.

This come off. Yes, uh, I know.

You like it to do that? Well, no, I-I--

You want me to fix it for you?

No, no, no. I always put it back on. And it always comes off?

Uh, uh, can I help you?

I-I'm looking for Miss Gronyitz.

- Yes? - No, no. He's looking for Miss Gronyitz.

Why, that's me before I was married.

Oh, yes. I keep forgetting. That's your maiden name.

Are you Miss Gronyitz? That's right.

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

Ah!

[ Chuckles ] Who's this?

I don't know.

- What are you kissing him for? - He's Hungarian.

- You don't kiss a perfect-- - Excuse. I have letter.

Oh.

Well! [ Giggles ]

Lisa, will you stop kissing him. Now what does the letter say?

Oh. [ Speaking Hungarian ]

What does it say in English? It doesn't say anything in English.

It's in Hungarian.

Would you translate it, please?

Oh. Well, it's a letter of introduction from my uncle.

It says that Lazlo saved my uncle's life during the war,

and it's up to us to repay him.

No, no. I don't want anything for saving a man's life. How about a hundred dollar?

You just said you didn't want it--

- That's for the barrel of wine I hid him in. - What?

He said that was for the barrel of wine he hid him in. I heard him.

It was during the war. The Germans were chasing your uncle.

I hid him in a barrel of wine in my wine cellar, and he drank his way out.

I figure the wine was worth a hundred dollar, including the Budapest sales tax.

Well, that's fair enough.

What do you mean fair? Why should I--

Well, now, let's not argue here.

Did you have breakfast? No.

Come. I'll make you some.

Can I make you some more hotcakes?

No, no. I-I had two plates of them already.

They were wonderful. Oh.

What brings you to America?

Certainly not these miserable things.

Well... I came here to make a living.

And your uncle said I should look you up...

because your husband is a wealthy farmer.

- He'd give me a job. - You're hired. How much do you want?

- A hundred dollar. - A hundred--

- Is that the only figure you know? - I know two hundred.

Well, you better stick to a hundred, 'cause you're not even gonna get that.

I'm very good at fixing thing.

I-I could fix the stovepipe.

No, you can't fix it. I tried.

- I can do it. - Go ahead, try.

I'm not gonna charge you anything for this, only time and labor.

- How much is that? - A hundred dollar.

A hundred-- I'll give you five.

Five hundred dollar? You Americans don't know the value of money.

[ Hammering ]

- See, Oliver, he fixed it. - Yeah, but it won't stay that way.

It will when I'm finished. Would you give me a hand?

What do you want me to do? Hold the pipe steady while I give it a couple of good bangs.

Uh-huh.

Ohh! I burned my hands!

Well, that's why I didn't hold it. Well, that's very--

Darling, use the pots holder.

Hold it steady.

[ Hammering ] [ Lazlo ] There.

Anything else you want me to do?

If I were you, I would put out my tie. What?

It's on fire! [ Screams ]

Hold still.

What did you do that for?

Well, there wasn't time to call the fire department.

Well, you wouldn't have any more trouble with that.

The slightest jar and it'll bend back the way it was.

Try it. Try it.

You see, Oliver, the pipe didn't bend.

No, the ceiling fell down.

Well, you can't have everything.

Well, I can fix that.

How much? Another five hundred.

Five! Okay.

Oliver, the ceiling is fixed.

Oh, good, good. Here's your $10. Good-bye. Oh, Lazlo isn't leaving.

I asked him to stay with us for a while. Lisa--

I'm not going to stay very long. Uh, four months at the most.

- Four months? - Five, if you insist.

We insist.

Lisa, would you mind telling me where he's going to sleep?

Oh, this room would be fine.

Hey! This is our room.

Oh, you don't keep it very neat.

In Hungary, you always give your guest your bedroom.

Unless you have a wine barrel.

We don't have a wine barrel. Oh, then I'll take this.

Lisa, may I talk to you? Of course.

Would you wait outside? Okay.

No, no, not you, him.

Oh, for-- Oh, don't worry about that. I'll fix it.

Now, Lisa-- That's an $8.00 job.

Would you just wait outside, please?

- As I started to say-- - Eight dollars isn't much to fix the door.

- Will you please listen to me. - I'm listening.

All right, Lisa-- Are you finished talking?

We didn't start yet. You let me know.

Yes! Okay.

Why are you hollering at him?

- I'll tell you why I'm-- - You just don't like Hungarians.

- I didn't say that. - Well, you better don't holler at him, because if you do,

he's gonna put the Hungarian curse on you, and you know what's going to happen?

I don't care. He is not staying here four months.

He can stay a couple of days, then he can be on his way.

Well, that's a nice way to treat somebody who saved my uncle's life.

That has nothing to do with me.

When you married me, you married me for better or worse, and that includes my uncle.

Lisa, I appreciate what he did for your uncle,

but that doesn't mean he's going to stay here for four months and sponge off us.

How long can he sponge off us?

I'll give him a week at the outside.

You mean, you won't let him come inside?

No, I meant-- Look, and another thing, he's not using our bedroom.

If he wants to stay, he can sleep with Eb.

Well, do you want to call him in and tell him?

All right. Lazlo!

I talked with my wife and-- It's okay. I'll sleep with Eb.

Did you taste your hotcakes? No.

- Why not? - I remember how they tasted yesterday.

Oliver!

Good morning, Eb. [ Speaking Hungarian ]

Oliver, Eb is speaking Hungarian.

He said, "Good morning, Mama. Good morning, Papa. Isn't it a lovely bathtub?"

Bathtub?

He got the last word wrong.

I did? Well, Lazlo just started teaching me Hungarian last night.

He's charging me 10 cents a word.

Well, don't pay him for the bathtub. That's wrong.

He's my friend.

You know what he did for me last night? He let me sleep on the floor.

Some friend.

He is. He said that mattress on the bed would ruin by back.

So he let me sleep on the floor and he took the bed.

Oh, that's real friendship.

Yeah. There aren't many men that would be that thoughtful about a stranger's back.

Oh, boy. Well, that doesn't surprise me. Look what he did for my uncle.

All he did for your uncle--

- Is there any sauerkraut juice? - No, I used the last of it to make the hotcakes.

Since when do you drink sauerkraut juice?

Oh, it's not for me. It's for Lazlo. I'm taking him breakfast in bed.

Well, you're not taking him breakfast.

And you'd better get dressed and get to work.

- You don't expect me to work today. - Why not?

- It's Kosciuszko's birthday. - Kosci--

- That's what Lazlo said. - That's a Hungarian national holiday.

That's why I made the hotcakes with the sauerkraut juice.

Look, if I remember my history correctly, Kosciuszko was a Polish-American.

He was a general in the American Revolution.

That was a different one.

This Kosciuszko was the man who got the 64-hour work week for the Hungarian workmen.

Yes, and that's seven hours less than I work.

Eb, will you please get dressed and be back here in 15 minutes ready to go to work...

or you can spend Kosciuszko Day in line at the unemployment office.

Lisa, I foresee nothing but trouble with Lazlo. Now I'm gonna have to ask him to leave.

If you ask him to leave on Kosciuszko Day, you're asking for a Hungarian curse.

If I knew one, I'd use it.

Lazlo, I want to--

What are you doing? Fixing your barn door. It was going to fall off.

Uh-huh. Well, never mind that. I want to talk to you about something.

- I want to talk to you about something too. - What?

- What are you gonna pay me for fixing the barn door? - I didn't ask you to fix it.

Well, that's why I'm gonna charge you only $10. Otherwise, I would charge you 20.

That's a little steep, isn't it?

Well, I get double overtime on Kosciuszko Day.

All right, I'll pay you the $10, but I want you to pack up and leave.

- What about the money for the door? - Okay, here's your 10.

- Twenty would be better. - You're getting 10.

Now go pack. I'll drive you into town, you can catch the Cannonball into Pixley.

Afternoon, Mr. Drucker. Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

Say, you must be Lazlo. Sure glad to meet you. Eb told me all about you.

- You're the fellow that saved Mr. Douglas's life. - No, he didn't--

Eb said he pulled you out of a wine barrel when you were going down for the third time.

I wasn't in any wine barrel.

Well, whatever he pulled you out of, you certainly owe him a great debt.

Which he don't want to pay. I gave you $30.

Thirty dollars? Is that all your life is worth to you?

He saved my wife's uncle's life?

- Well, you still owe him a great deal. - Yes, he does.

But, uh, 30 is as high as he'll go.

You miserable--

- It doesn't matter whose life he saved. He's leaving. - Why?

Well, someone throws your bag out the window and you after it,

you figure you're not wanted.

I didn't throw you or your bag out the window. It hurts him to remember.

- What time does the Cannonball get here? - It's not running today.

- Why not? - It's Kosciuszko Day.

Well, I'll go unpack. Don't bother. You're leaving tomorrow.

Oliver, you know what happened?

Oh, you changed your mind about Lazlo.

The only reason he's still here is because the train isn't running today.

I could have told you that. They never run on Kosciuszko's birthday.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about--

Well, it's a good thing that Lazlo didn't leave, because Eb is sick.

Oh?

Oh, that's too bad.

He wasn't the one supposed to get sick.

What do you mean wasn't the one?

Well, you see, when you threw me out the window this morning,

I put the Hungarian curse on you,

and Eb must have been standing in the way.

Oh. That's sheer nonsense.

Well, if Eb wouldn't have been standing in the way, you'd have the flu too.

Is that what Eb has, the flu?

No, he has the flu too.

That's one thing you can get from the Hungarian curse. Oh--

Well, I'll go unpack. Y-You'll need some help as long as Eb has got the flu too.

I have never been so--

Ohh!

I'll fix that.

Hi, Mr. Douglas. Hi, Mr. Kimball.

What are you doing? Weeding.

Oh. Gee, this is a pretty bad light to weed in.

You ought to get yourself a weeding lamp. [ Chuckles ]

That's from the new County Agent Joke Book.

The department put it out so your county agent could cheer up some of the farmers he services.

You look more cheerful already.

Well, now that I've cheered you up, I'll be on my way.

- Good. - By the way--

- By the way what? - What does that mean?

You said, "By the way," then you never finished what you were going to say.

- About what? - How do I know?

[ Snaps Fingers ] Now I remember. Oh, by the way, how's Eb?

He's all right. Just had a bad cold.

Oh. Well, I brought him something over to cure it.

A pan,

some water...

and a chicken.

What's that? It's a do-it-yourself chicken soup kit.

- What? - It's a great farm remedy.

It's good for anything, except the chicken.

Now the way you make it-- Oh, I'm sure we can figure that out.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Oh, well, in that case, I guess I'll be running along.

Well, I don't have to run. I can walk.

By the way--

- Mr. Kimball. - Yes?

Oh. By the way, since Eb is sick, do you need anybody to help you around here?

No, I have somebody-- Lazlo.

- Oh, your uncle. - He's not my--

I heard he saved you from drowning in a brewing kettle.

Boy, if it hadn't been for him, you might have foamed to death.

Good-bye, Mr. Kimball. Yeah. Good-bye.

Good-bye, Sophia. Take good care of yourself. [ Chuckles ]

Lisa?

Hello, there. Here, this is for you.

And this is for you. What's this?

- A man left it. - A summons.

Alf and Ralph are suing me.

Yes, for $50,000.

For breach of contract. What are they talking about?

They're mad at you because they were fired before they could finish the bedroom.

- I didn't fire them. - No, Lazlo did.

- What? - Well, he said it was ridiculous...

that they couldn't finish the bedroom in two years, and that he could do it.

I didn't tell-- Where is he?

He started work.

Lazlo, I want to talk to you. Uh, not now, I'm measuring.

I don't want you to measure it. Well, then how is he going to finish it?

He's not going to. You had no right to fire Alf and Ralph.

They're suing me for $50,000.

Don't worry. I'll handle the case for you.

I used to do a little law work in Hungary.

I can handle the case myself. I'm an attorney.

I'm glad you got something to fall back on, the way you run this farm.

- Look here-- - I think, uh, I'll do it in knotty pine.

That'll be fine. I don't like knotty pine.

I do. I used to be an interior decorator.

Of course, all my jobs were bigger than this.

This shouldn't take me more than three days.

Three days? That'll be fine.

It'll be fine if he can do it.

Well, he's done everything else he said he could do.

[ Lisa ] He'd be a good man to have around all the time. I agree.

Lazlo, if you can do this bedroom in three days,

I might be willing to discuss your staying here.

Boy, am I starved. Lunch will be ready in a minute.

Would you mind telling me what you're doing? I'm making a chicken sandwich.

That's a chicken sandwich?

Two slices of bread with a chicken in between.

Do you expect me to eat that?

No, this is for Lazlo.

Oh. Couldn't happen to a nicer fellow. Where are you going?

I'm taking it into him. He doesn't want to stop for lunch.

He's been working like this all morning.

No, no. I'll take it to him. I wanna see how he's doing.

[ Hammering ]

Lazlo, I brought your-- Huh? [ Chuckles ]

How do you like it so far?

Is that what you've accomplished since this morning?

- That's a nice day's work, huh? - No, it's not.

Oh, my favorite. A chicken sandwich.

Oh, wait a minute! You're not gonna eat that in front of me?

You're a vegetarian?

Lazlo, you said you could finish this bedroom in three days. That's right.

Well, at the rate you're going, the only way you can do that is to have 15 men help you.

That's a whole day's work? I think he's doing a wonderful job.

Yeah, so do I.

At this rate, he'll never finish in three days, and we can get rid of him.

You better not or he's going to put the Hungarian--

Will you go and fix breakfast?

Well.

- [ Knocking ] - Who's that?

Uh, Mr. Haney. Can I come in?

Yes, come in.

Good morning! In here, fellows.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on here? Who are these men?

Uh, the 15 fellows that you ordered.

- That I ordered? - Well, Lazlo did.

Yes. I took your suggestion.

You were right. It'll take 15 men to help me finish.

You had no right-- That'll be $150.

All right, everybody, get to work.

[ Chattering ] Hey! Whoa! Hey!

Now wait! Wait a minute! Hey! [ Whistles ] Hold it! Hold it!

Here, everybody, out! Everybody out! Yeah, but, uh--

Come out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Get out of here! Go on!

And that includes you, Mr. Haney.

I just want to ask Lazlo something.

Uh, what time do you want the furniture delivered? Uh, 4:00 would be fine.

What furniture? The furniture he's delivering at 4:00.

Where shall I put it? In the barn.

You are not putting it in my barn.

Well, Mr. Douglas, it seems a shame for you to spend $500 for furniture,

and then just let it sit outside.

I didn't order any furniture. Lazlo did.

- What? - It's gonna go in the house that you're buildin' for him.

I'm not building any--

And the lumber's only gonna cost $1,200.

Well, that's less than we figured.

Would you two mind telling me what you're talking about?

As long as I'm going to stay, I have to have a place for my wife and me to live in.

Your wife?

Well, I'm sending for her.

I'll need a $400 deposit for the airplane ticket. Forget it!

She could come by boat, but she gets seasick. Your wife is not coming here.

You want my children to come by themselves?

Your children?

- Fedor, Magda, Johann, Akim, Bela-- - Look--

- I'm not finished yet. - Yes, you are. And you're packing and leaving right now.

But-- Mr. Haney will drive you to the station into town.

That'll be, uh, $8.00. Beat it, the both of you!

Well, if that's what you want, good-bye.

But before I go-- [ Speaking Hungarian ]

One thing I can say. I'm glad I wouldn't be around to see what's going to happen to him.

Oliver, where is Lazlo?

I threw him out, for good!

- You didn't? - I most certainly did.

Before he left, did he do something like this...

and did he say something like this? [ Speaking Hungarian ]

- Yes, he did. - Bye.

- Where are you going? - I'm not going to stay and see what's going to happen to you.

Lisa!

Lisa! Oliver, you better get out of here...

before the Hungarian curse starts to work.

Lisa, there's no such thing as a Hungarian curse.

- What was that? - Offhand, I'd say it was the stovepipe and the ceiling.

The stovepipe and the ceil--

There goes the barn door.

The tractor.

Let's see. What else did Lazlo fix besides the stovepipe,

the ceiling, the barn door, the tractor?

There was one other thing.

Oh, that's right, your front porch.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.