Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Rings ]

Wake up. Hello there. Who are you?

I'm your husband.

May I see the marriage certificate?

I just don't happen to have it handy.

How do I know it hasn't expired? Lisa, will you get up?

Why? It's 5:00.

Oh, just in time for the cocktail hour.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

Why do I have to get up at 5:00?

You're living on a farm. Everybody gets up at 5:00.

Well, what's going on at 5:00?

There's a lot of work to do.

Now I'm going to take a shower and get dressed,

and I'd appreciate it if you have breakfast ready by the time I get back.

Would you like to give me a kiss?

If you have breakfast ready when I get back, I'll give you, uh, one.

- Big deal! - What did you say?

I guess the romance is over.

When we were first married, you used to kiss me all the time. I had to push you away.

Maybe that's what killed it. You were too pushy.

Guess who's going to sleep in the living room tonight?

Well, how are you doing?

Give me a kiss, and I'll tell you.

You finish cooking breakfast, and I'll give you one.

Could I get a slight advance?

What are you doing? Imitating a goldfish?

When we were first married--

- Will you make the coffee? - How many cups do you take?

Two. One, two.

And I usually take two. One, two.

And Eb takes two. One, two.

There. Hmm.

- How much water you gonna put in? - As much as the pot will hold.

I hope it won't be too weak.

Uh, Lisa, how many times have I told you how to make coffee?

I don't know. How many times?

I've told you every day since we've lived here.

How long has that been?

It'll be two years this Saturday.

Then you will have to do your own breakfast, because I have a lot to do.

I have to look through my clothes, and get the suitcases out of the barn--

- Are you going somewhere? - To New York!

And you better look your things and see what has to be pressed.

- I'm not going anywhere, - You forgot what you promised?

- What promise? - You said when we were here for two years,

you'd take me back to New York for a two weeks' vacation.

I don't remember promising you that!

Well, then I'm glad that I made you sign the bottom of the drawer.

What?

[ Crash ]

What does that say?

"I promise to take you to New York for two weeks...

after we've lived on the farm for two years."

- Look, I-- - Is this your signature?

- Well, it looks like it. - Do you want to bring in a handwriting expert?

No, it's mine, but I don't remember writing that.

You were "schtoned."

What do you want to go back to New York for anyway?

By the time I tell you, the two weeks will be up.

Lisa, I don't want to go back and face that rat race. Not even for two weeks!

Miserable city living, stuck in some hotel.

breathing that poisoned air, people shoving you.

- I know just how you feel. - Good.

What time do we leave on Saturday?

What's the big attraction in New York? What have they got there that you like?

I made some notes on the bottom of the other drawer.

[ Crash ] Here we are.

Shops, the theater, nightclubs, restaurants, concerts, friends.

Is that all?

No, I've got some more written on the bottom of the other drawer.

- Never mind. - Then we'll leave Saturday?

All right, if I promised. But I won't enjoy a minute of it.

Uh-- [ Clears Throat ]

Yes, what can I do--

Mr. Cummings! Well, it certainly is a pleasure to see you again.

And this must be the new Mrs. Cummings.

Well!

Should we sit down and talk this over, Mr. Cummings?

He made a mistake. No, this is not the new Mrs. Cummings.

Oh. She certainly doesn't look like the old Mrs. Cummings.

Well, she isn't. This is Mrs. Douglas.

Then you will want a separate room, Mrs. Douglas.

No, we would like to have the same room. Wouldn't we, Mr. Cummings?

Lisa! Lisa. Look, my name is Oliver Wendell Douglas. This is my wife.

Mrs. Cummings. Pleased to meet you. Lisa!

Look, you made a mistake. Now, my name is Douglas. I've never been here before.

I'm terribly sorry. Without my glasses you look just like Mr. Cummings.

It's a remarkable resemblance. Now, what would you like?

A room. A suite.

A large room. A large suite.

Fine. Give her a large suite and give me a large room.

Oliver, don't be such a sorehead!

You promised me this vacation, so you might as well enjoy yourself.

Do you know what a suite costs?

I'll bet Mr. Cummings never would kick about the price.

No, money didn't mean a thing to him. He always has the best.

All right. We'll take a suite.

A large one.

All right, a large one.

Would you mind registering?

Oh, just put down "Mr. Cummings and friend."

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Hello? Would you please give me Apartment 18-B?

[ Ringing ]

- Hello? - Hello there.

- Who's this? - It's Mrs. Cummings from the bathroom.

- What? - They have a telephone in here.

You don't even have to climb the pole.

Lisa, I was taking a nap.

Well, it's time to get up. You have to get dressed for dinner.

No, I thought we'd have dinner in the room.

We didn't come to New York to eat in the room.

Look, can't we go out tomorrow night?

We'll do that too. Now get dressed.

- I had your tuxedo pressed. - My tuxedo?

There is no place worthwhile going to in New York unless you wear a tuxedo.

Well, yeah, but--

Darling, I've already called the El Mirador. We have a reservation for 9:00.

9:00? Look, I'm hungry now.

We always eat at 6:00 on the farm.

You're not on the farm now.

Shh. Please! I'm on the phone.

Who are you talking to? I'm talk--

Oh, for--

Should we order a limousine or do you want to take a taxi?

Couldn't we have dinner right here in the room?

Oliver, you promised me on the bottom of the drawer...

that we're going to have a vacation in New York, and I want to swing!

All right, I'll swing!

3.85 for a ten-block taxi ride.

I've forgotten how expensive everything is.

Oliver, would you please check my coat?

That's another dollar. You never used to be so cheap!

I'm not cheap. It's just since we've lived on a farm, I've learned the value of money.

Do you think Fred Ziffel would pay a dollar to check Doris's coat?

I'll lend you the dollar. You don't have to lend me--

Would you check this for me please?

Ooh! How are you, baby?

Oh, uh, I don't--

I haven't seen you in years! Where you been?

Yes, where have you been, baby?

You know where I've been.

It's good to see you back in action, huh?

Say, whatever happened to that cute little redhead you used to bring in here?

Yes, whatever happened to her?

Well, I, uh, look. Would you please check the coat?

Hey, I remember this coat. How'd you get it back from the redhead?

I never gave-- Oh! I see you got the ring too, honey!

No! I brought this with me!

You didn't have to.

He used to pass out diamonds the way Rockefeller passed out dimes.

Oh?

You've got me mixed up with somebody else. My name is Douglas.

Uh, pl-please, check these. Oh, anything you say, Mr. Cummings.

Shall we have dinner, Mr. Montgomery? Cummings.

May I help you? Oh, yes. We have a reservation. Douglas.

Uh, Douglas.

Douglas, Douglas, Douglas. I don't see it.

I made the reservation from the bathtub.

It's right here. This way, please.

Is this, uh, satisfactory? Haven't you got something, uh, along the wall?

Not until Thanksgiving.

This is-- This is fine, Oliver.

Would you care to order something from the bar?

Well! Champagne for Mr. Cummings!

W-Wait a minute. My name is Douglas.

- You certainly look like Mr.-- - Just bring us a couple of martinis.

Yes, sir.

Oliver, why can't we have champagne? It's too expensive.

Boy, I wish I had met Mr. Cummings before I met you.

♪♪ [ Starts ]

Would you like to dance?

Well, I'm kind of tired. Oh, please?

Where did all the people come from?

They were sitting along the wall. Maybe we could get a table there now.

Let's sit down. [ Whimpers ]

Hey! Somebody stole my chair!

You just can't take care of your things, can you?

Waiter! Yes, sir. There we go.

W-Wait a minute. Somebody stole my chair.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. Can you describe it?

Well, it was-- it was just like all the other chairs. Now, please, get me one.

Yes, sir. I'll try my best, sir.

Would you care to order dinner? I'd like a chair.

What, may I ask, did you do with the last one you had?

I didn't do anything with it. I just got up to dance.

With a chair?

With my wife!

Oh, yes. Are you enjoying yourself, Mrs. Cummings?

She's not Mrs. Cummings! I'm Mrs.-- Or-- She's Mrs. Douglas!

Get me a chair, will you? Yes, sir.

Would you like to sit on my lap till the waiter brings your chair?

No, thanks. Look, why don't we leave? I'll get your bill, sir.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Bring the chair back.

Thank you. There you are, sir.

Well, what should we drink to? Look, I don't care what--

Where is my drink? Waiter?

Yes, sir? My drink is gone.

Uh, do you wish to order another one, sir? No. Somebody took it.

Well, uh, can you describe it?

It was a martini! I didn't even touch it!

I'll do the best I can, sir.

Well, you certainly know how to make a scene.

I'm not making a scene! Somebody took my chair. Somebody took my drink.

Here is your chair, sir. I have a chair.

Well, then why did you ask him to bring you one?

When I asked him to bring me one, I didn't have one.

I also had a drink which somebody took.

Uh--

Another bottle of champagne for Mr. Cummings.

I'm not Mr. Cummings! And I don't want champagne! I want a martini.

- Here's your planter's punch, sir. - That isn't mine.

Well, I'm sorry. That was the only drink that was turned in, sir.

I don't like-- You'll have my martini, and I'll have this.

We usually don't get his kind until New Year's eve.

I heard that. I didn't come here to be--

Oliver, sit down! Everybody's looking!

[ Sighs ] Ooh!

- Waiter! - Yes, sir?

Somebody stole my chair again!

Well, things are getting better, sir. You still have your drink.

[ Phone Rings ] Oliver, Oliver, the phone.

Huh? It's ringing.

[ Ringing Continues ] Oh!

What happened? Where did that come from?

Oh. The Stork Club. [ Ringing Continues ]

I don't remember going to-- You bought it from the cigarette girl, Clarisse.

I guess you felt you had to buy me something after the big kiss she gave you.

Kiss? Just how well did you know her?

Oh, I--

You think over an alibi while you answer the telephone.

Hello? [ Man ] Good morning, Oliver. How are you?

Not so loud! Who is it?

I didn't ask him yet. Aren't you going to?

Yes, if you'll just--

Hello? Hello?

[ Shouts ] Hello! Hello! Hello!

Look, please, stay out of my phone conversation. Who is this?

Don't you recognize my voice?

It's Judson Felton, your old law partner.

Oh, how are you, Judd?

Who is she? It's Judson Felton.

Why didn't you tell me you were in New York?

I would never have found out...

if Carl hadn't seen you outside the Green Olive at 3:00 this morning.

I didn't go to the Green Olive.

Oh, yes, we did. Right after The Frug Club.

Carl tells me you had a fight with the taxi driver.

I had a fight with a--

You were trying to rip the meter off his cab.

Uh, look, can I call you back?

- No, no. How about lunch? - Oh, well, I-I--

I have something very interesting to talk to you about.

Meet me at Leonardo's at 1:00. That's the new in place.

- Well, look, I don't know-- - See you at 1:00.

Lisa, Judd wa--

Lisa?

Oh, for--

Operator, would you please connect me with the bathroom of Suite 18-B?

Well, it certainly is nice to see you two back in New York again.

It's just for a couple of days. Oliver, you said two weeks!

Oliver, have you ever thought of going back in the firm with me and living here again?

- Yes, I have. - He's talking to me.

Frankly, I'm not the least interested in living--

- Oliver! - Wanda!

Oh! Oh, Oliver!

Is the food any good here?

Well, I'm so happy to see you back in circulation.

I heard you bought a farm in Connecticut.

Well, uh, no. Wasn't exactly in Connecticut. It, uh--

Why don't we go into the bar? You can tell me all about it.

I'm sure your friends will excuse us.

Oh, she's not my friend, she's my wife.

I'm Lisa Douglas.

Oh, how do you do?

Well, I never thought you'd ever get married.

Why, you were the playboy of the Western world. [ Chuckles ]

And now he's the hermit of "Hootersville."

[ Laughs ]

Look, Oliver, I'm giving a little cocktail party tonight, and I'd love for you to come.

All of your old friends are gonna be there.

Uh, Mary, Barbara, Mildred, Joan, Betty, Sheila, Brenda.

Didn't you have any man friends?

Yes. Certainly, I had some men friends. There was, uh--

You know where I live. The same old place in the Village.

Well, I d-don't exactly remember. Uh--

Oh, Oliver, come now. You practically lived there.

Oh?

Well, no. What Wanda means is that I used to spend a lot of time there.

It was near the N.Y.U. Law Library, and I was doing research.

- On what? - Law!

Does that sound logical to you, Mr. Felton?

Why, of course.

Well, we accept your explanation.

Fine. I'll see you tonight then. Bye-bye.

Bye. Good-bye, Wanda.

[ Sighs ] Well, uh, what shall we order?

Well, for starters, I'll have a sharp steak knife.

Lisa! You're not dressed yet?

Well, I thought we'd have dinner in the room and go to bed early.

We're invited to Wanda's.

How would you like to go by yourself? I'll bet you would.

Look, we'll just drop in for a few minutes, and then we'll go wherever you'd like to go.

Wouldn't you rather stay at home?

Lisa, what's the matter with you?

You're the one who wanted to come to New York.

We're here. Come on! Let's have a good time. Enjoy yourself.

♪♪ [ Rock ]

[ Both Laughing ] Ooh!

Well, this must be the place.

"E"! There we are!

Oh, you'll like these people.

[ Laughing ]

There's nobody at home. Let's go.

Oh, come on!

[ Man ] Come in!

[ Chattering, Cheering ] ♪♪ [ Gets Louder ]

Oliver! Oh, Oliver! Look who's here! Come on in!

[ Loud Chattering ]

Oh! What about me?

[ Man ] Have one for the road, baby!

[ Shatters ]

Ah, wasn't that party something, huh?

Yes, it was.

What I could see of it from the fire escape. Fire escape?

Well, when I finally got into the apartment, I was standing near the window.

And three people came in through the front door, and I went out.

What?

It was a lucky thing there was a fire escape there,

or I would have spent the whole evening hanging from the windowsill by my hands.

Come on. You're exaggerating. Didn't you enjoy yourself?

Oh, yes. I had a wonderful time.

Yeah, so did I. What a great group of people, huh?

Well, maybe your conversation was,

but all I said to the fellow who was sitting next to me was, "No."

Did you get to talk to Brenda?

Now, there's an interesting girl.

Brenda, Brenda. Was that the tall blonde with the low-cut evening gown?

I never noticed she was tall.

She was very intelligent.

She's an interpreter at the U.N. Speaks six languages.

- All with her hands. - What?

She was patting your face all evening.

Oh, she wasn't patting it. There was some potato salad on it.

I didn't get any potato salad.

They had it. It was right there with all the drinks.

Oh, that reminds me. You owe me two dollars.

For what?

You weren't around when they took up a collection for the booze.

Oh. [ Scoffs ] Anyway, I had a great time.

Oliver, let's go to bed. It's 5:00!

5:00! We haven't got time to go to bed!

The Wilsons are picking us up at 8:00!

What for?

Didn't you hear Charlie invite us out to his place on Long Island for the weekend?

Hey, they got a boat. We can go sailing.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

We can play golf at the country club.

Boom! Like that. And horseback ridin'!

♪♪ [ Singing ] Ha! This is living!

Lisa, Lisa! Hey, wake up and enjoy this!

Oh, glad you could make it. Sit down, sit down. Thank you.

Well, have you been having a good time in New York?

Wonderful. Lisa's been dragging me to parties--

got us invited out to Long Island for the weekend.

Have you had time to think about my proposition?

Well, I--

It's a great opportunity for you, Oliver. You'll be a full partner.

Of course, you'd have to move back here.

I don't think I'd mind that too much.

You know, I'd forgotten how exciting and stimulating New York is.

- What about the rat race? - Hmm?

Well, remember the speech you made the day that you quit the office?

My, uh, dictating machine happened to be on.

[ Oliver's Voice ] I'm quitting. I'm getting away from the rat race!

I want to get out of the city,

away from the smog where the air is clear, a man can breathe.

♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

I want to be a part of that great army of men-- the American farmer!

The backbone of our economy.

I want to plant my seeds in the soil...

and watch them shoot up toward the sun and the sky.

I want to grow wheat, corn and--

- Heard enough? - Yeah, uh, did I hear a fife playing there while--

Oh, yes. I had a friend of mine orchestrate it.

It seemed to call for a little musical background.

Then you're interested in my offer?

- Definitely. - What about Lisa?

She'll love the idea! She's crazy about New York.

I wouldn't live here for anything.

But you're the one who always wanted to move back here.

That was before I saw what New York does to you.

It turns you from a Doctor "Jerky" into a Mr. "Hive."

What are you talk-- Oliver, there are two yous--

the New York you and the Hootersville you.

And I prefer you when you are Doctor Jerky, which is the Hootersville you.

Well, that's a switch.

You mean, you'd rather live in Hooterville?

No, I wouldn't, but I am going to,

because in Hootersville you're a different man.

There, all you're interested in planting your little seeds...

and watch them "shoosting" up towards the sun and the sky...

with the fifes playing and the backbone stuff.

But here in New York, all you want to do is swing, not shoost.

Oliver, I want to go home.

Do you realize that's the first time you've called Hooterville home?

Well, don't tell it to anybody, but I like it there.

I've waited two years to hear you say that.

Well, you probably will have to wait another two years before I say it again.

Come on. Let's pack. Right now?

Well, sure! But the suite is paid up till 5:00.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.