Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Eb, I'm much too busy to waste time arguing with you about that.

But, Mr. Douglas-- No. No.

But-- The answer is no!

But all I asked was-- You've got me so confused, I forgot what the question was.

I think it was, "Will you lend me $25?"

How can I lend you $25 when I'm trying to borrow it from you?

Eb, I'm not lending it to you.

How about giving it to me? That's even better.

Forget it!

Will you excuse me?

But the tuition is only $25.

You want me to go to college, don't you? Be my guest.

You mean you're gonna send me? No.

Mr. Douglas, wouldn't you like to be able to say you got a son in college?

You are not my son! Well, whoever I am,

wouldn't you like to be able to say it?

Look, Eb, you're not gonna be able to go to college.

Why not? Because you didn't graduate from high school.

But that doesn't matter at UCLA.

Are you talking of the University of California at Los Angeles?

No, sir, the University of Crump at Lake Agnes. I never heard of--

See, in their bulletin they say, "approved for veterans,

high school dropouts and major company credit card holders."

What kind of a univers-- Crump "U" is a correspondence school.

Imagine, I could learn to be an engineer or an architect...

or somethin', and I wouldn't even have to leave home.

That's enough to make me against it.

Mr. Douglas, if you'd just lend me-- I don't want to talk about it!

Well, that's pretty narrow-minded. What?

You don't want to talk about it even without hearing my side. Your side of what?

What difference does it make if you don't want to talk about it?

I'd be happy to talk about it if I knew what we were talking about.

We're talking about $25 for college.

I'm not giving it to you.

If you're not going to give him $25 for college,

you certainly won't give me $300 for this dress.

- Three hundred dollars! - Do you realize you could send 12 boys to Crump "U" for that?

The dress goes back. All right.

If you want me to wear something everybody has seen to your haircut--

Well, I d-- My haircut?

Yes, today is haircuts day in "Hootersville."

[ Snaps Fingers ] Oh, yeah, today's the day Mr. Hinkle...

comes from the county seat to trim Hooterville.

Could you at least lend me enough to get a haircut?

That I'll lend you. How much do you need?

- Twenty-five dollars. - Will you--

Can I have the dress? Lisa, will you take that--

- I gotta get my haircut. - And so do you.

If we don't get it cut today, we'll have to wait six weeks...

until Mr. Hinkle comes back again.

Anything else, Windy? Oh, yeah, Newt.

Would you mind gettin' my magazines out of the car?

Oh.

Where do you want your tonics, Windy? Set 'em right here on the table.

Doggone, that sure smells pretty. What is that?

That's ant spray. I bought it for my wife.

- Why? Does she have ants? - No, she--

Uh, where do you want the magazines?

- Oh, just put them on the bench there. - Hi, Windy.

Howdy doody. Hi, Alf. Hi, Ralph. Have a seat.

Hey, you got some new magazines, huh?

Yeah, I never saw this copy of the Literary Digest before.

- Well, next. - Where do you think you're goin'?

I'm next. Uh-uh. I was here ahead of you.

We came in together. We did not.

I'll flip you for it. Okay.

Wanna make it two out of three?

I'm gonna tell Mom about your unladylike behavior.

Aren't you gonna take off your hat?

Just work on everything that's showing.

Watch it.

Oh, hello. Good morning. Hi, everybody.

Hi, Mr. Douglas. Have a seat, Mr. Douglas.

- Thank you. - [ Mutters ]

Mr. Douglas, can I ask your opinion about something?

- How do you think I'd look in a butch? - Oh, you'd look lovely.

Thank you, sweetie. Butch me.

Would you care for a magazine?

Uh, yes, uh-- Oh, thank you.

Literary Digest?

Yeah, it's the latest issue. Oh, boy.

Hey!

Uh, are you going to be much longer?

No. Alf's finished.

There you are. How much I owe ya?

Let's see. You had a haircut, singe and tonic.

That'll be 35 cents. Thirty-five cents?

You raised your prices again. Next.

At last.

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, what do you think you're doing?

Just keeping the seat warm for you, sir.

Mm-hmm. Out.

[ Snorting ]

Oh, Arnold.

I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas. Arnold is next.

- [ Snorting Continues ] - What?

Well, he called for an appointment.

How could he call-- Well, he won't take too long.

You see, all he gets is a bay rum spray. It keeps him dainty.

He can wait a few minutes to be dainty. I'm next.

- [ Grunting Continues ] - Sit down. Read a magazine.

Now, Mr. Douglas, what'll you have? Well, I'd like--

He needs a haircut. Not too short.

And don't use the clippers on the side.

And put a little wave up there.

And if you have time, touch up some of the gray.

Lisa, I can tell the barber what I want.

If you're not going to be a good boy,

the barber isn't going to give you a piece of bubble gum.

I want a little off the top. Yes, sir.

Excuse me, Windy.

Dink Fellsworth just called from Crabwell Corners. It's an emergency.

He's gonna get married in an hour, and he'd like you to give him a haircut.

Dink Fellsworth? Boy, I've waited a long time for this.

Wait a minute. I'm sorry, Mr. Douglas.

I owe Dink a big favor. I'll see you in six weeks.

But you just started my haircut!

I'll tell you what. You hold on to this so's I'll remember where I was.

Excuse me. Of all the--

You know, at the next chamber of commerce meeting,

I'm gonna suggest that we try to get somebody to open a barbershop in Hooterville.

Well, where are we going to get a barber?

Sign here.

What's this? My application.

I'm gonna study to become a barber.

- UCLA has a barber college?. - No, no. M.I.T.

- M.I.T.? - Yes, Middle Indiana Tonsorial College.

Oh, for a moment I thought you were talking about the MIT in Massachusetts.

Uh, you mean Massachusetts Institute of Terpsichore?

Yeah, that's the one.

I'm not interested in Terpsichore for two reasons.

One, I don't think there's much of a future in it.

And two, I don't know what Terpsichore is.

That's good thinking.

Yes, it is, for somebody of his mentality.

It says right here in the literature they sent me,

uh, that M.I.T. has the best correspondence course on barbering in the country.

They say in 12 easy lessons I can get a diploma...

and become a proud professional man like Gordon Bainbridge.

- Who's Gordon Bainbridge? - He's the proud professional man.

- You never listen, do you? - I try not to when Eb--

"Gordon Bainbridge is a recent graduate of Middle Indiana Tonsorial College."

- Would you like to hear what he says? - No.

Here's what Gordon Bainbridge says--

- He's the proud professional man. - Yeah, well--

"Until I took this barber course, I was lonely, confused, unpopular.

Friends avoided me, girls never noticed me and dogs barked at me."

Oh, brother. Eb, be sensible.

- How can anyone learn to be a barber by mail? - Gordon Bainbridge did.

- He's the proud professional man. - Yeah, I know.

Mr. Douglas, this is my big chance.

You said yourself this town should have its own barber.

- Yes, I did, but I-- - You can't hold me down forever.

I'll do it on my own. I'm independent.

I don't have to count on anybody. I don't need you.

- Good. - All I need is your $25.

Oliver, why don't you give him the $25?

I think I will just to teach him a lesson.

Show him how silly this whole idea is.

Thank you! Thank you! I'll make you out a check.

Oh. I guess they'll take your check.

But maybe you ought to send your driver's license along...

in case they require any identification.

Is there anything for me? Yep.

Here's one from Middle Indiana Tonsorial College, Office of the Dean.

Oh, boy, I've been accepted!

Sorry.

Education!

Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas! Doggone it!

- Mr. Douglas! - I don't see the butter.

It's on the middle shelf way in the back.

- Mom! Mom, where's Dad? - [ Groaning ]

He's over there with his head in the icebox.

Come out of there. I got some news for ya.

Well, I've got some news for you!

Guess what? I've been accepted by M.I.T.

It's from the office of the dean. He got your check and, uh--

Oh, by the way, he sent your driver's license back.

He said you won't have to have it with the next check.

What next check? For my barber tools.

I need them for my first lesson. I've already given you $25.

But that was for the registration fee.

It costs a lot of money to send a boy to college these days.

I've given him as much as I'm going to.

Gosh, I didn't think you'd make such a fuss over buyin' me the tools I need.

Oh, you didn't, eh?

No. I thought you'd make a fuss over $25 for the white jacket and shoes.

What? With red trim. They're the school colors.

Those are the same colors we had for Budapest High.

Well, why doesn't he go there?

Maybe he can wear your old gym bloomers.

The $25 for the jacket and shoes...

also includes a season pass to all the school football games.

Football? How can a correspondence school play football?

By mail. You see, each player mails in what he's supposed to do--

Oh, forget it!

Oliver, why don't you buy him the tool kit,

and I'll buy him the jacket and the football game tickets?

Gee, thanks. You're the best mom and dad I ever had.

Eb-- I'll get your checkbook.

Lisa, why did you tell him that?

If our son is going to college, he's got to go first class.

Here you are, Eb.

Boy, my first lesson, my tool kit and my uniform!

Thank ya!

Sorry.

Why don't you go away to college like the other kids do?

It's a little tight. I wish I were.

I think he looks stunning.

Oh, yeah, stunning.

Here are the tools.

I guess you're all ready for your first haircut. No, ma'am.

The first lesson says, "Before attempting to cut hair,

the freshman barber should acquaint himself with the tools."

That's a good idea.

"The tool which a barber uses the most is a scissors.

This is the long, pointed instrument with two holes for the fingers."

Could they mean this? What do you think, Oliver?

How do I know? I never went to barber college.

"The comb is a long, black object with teeth."

Would you say this is the comb?

That's a razor.

Well, it's only my first day in school.

"After acquainting himself with the tools, the freshman barber should"--

Eb, look, I'm trying to read. Would you mind going up to your room and studying by yourself?

Yes, sir. Oh. Can I have next Friday off?

- What for? - To go to the post office for our first football game.

M.I.T. is playing Crump "U."

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

Oliver, if you're not going to encourage the boy,

why did you insist he go to college?

Lisa, you go to your room too.

You just don't have any patience with us kids, do you?

[ Door Slams ]

Oh, yeah, something else came for you.

Boy, I hope it's what I'm lookin' for.

It's my barber sheet! Thanks! Thanks a lot!

I glued them together. Good.

- Doggone it! - Doggone it!

I gotta practice puttin' my barber sheet on someone. Not on me.

Oliver, do you like sleeping in the living room? No, I--

Well, then, let him practice with the sheet.

All right. Thank you.

Uh, next.

Oh, you're next, sir. Uh, this chair.

Watch it.

Eb!

Oh, I'm sorry. I never sheeted anybody before.

- [ Coughing ] - Excuse it, sir.

Ooh!

Oh, I'm sorry. But don't worry.

They gave me some stuff here that'll stop bleeding.

Oh, hi, Mr. Haney. Mr. Douglas.

Look, I'm busy. I just wanna tell you that it's here.

What's here? I knew you was gonna ask me that.

Now, if you'll just step around to the back of my truck.

Will you let go-- What is that?

That's the barber pole that Eb ordered. Eb ordered?

He said he knew you wanted to give him a graduatin' present, and that's what he picked out.

- I didn't say I was-- - You notice the stripes?

They're the M.I.T. school colors.

Look, Mr. Haney, I don't want the barber pole.

- How about a sterilizer for steamin' up the towels? - No.

How about a blonde manicurist for steamin' up the customers?

Look, Haney, I paid for Eb's tuition,

and that's all I'm gonna do for him.

Then you wouldn't be interested in this vibratin' barber chair.

What the-- It's the latest wrinkle in barberin' equipment.

It vibrates away the customer's cares...

while he's gettin' his haircut.

I'll bet you ain't seen anything shimmy like that since Gilda Gray.

No, I haven't.

It'll pay for itself in three months...

with the loose change it vibrates out of the customers' pockets.

Good-bye, Mr. Haney.

Sorry, Gilda. No sale.

Eb? E-- Eb is busy.

Doing what? Putting Leroy's head on.

What?

What is that? That's Leroy, Eb's first customer.

Yeah. The college sent it to me.

I'm supposed to practice on dummies until I'm ready for the real thing.

Of all-- That's my suit!

They sent Leroy without any clothes.

I don't wanna get him arrested for indecent exposure.

- Look, Eb, this is-- - I can't find his hair.

- Hair? - Yeah. There's supposed to be a toupee with him.

Then I cut it according to their instructions...

and mail it back to 'em, and they grade it.

I'll see you folks later.

Oliver, help Eb find Leroy's hair.

I got other things to do bes-- Pardon me.

I'm looking for... "Eb Dawson."

Are you Eb Dawson? I'm Eb Dawson.

Oh? Then who's he? That's Leroy.

Oh. How do you do? Now, you claim you're Eb Dawson.

Mr. Kimball, you know he is.

Mr. Douglas, this is official Department of Agriculture business...

and has to be done according to the book.

Well, it's not really a book. It's more of a pamphlet.

Well, it's not a pamphlet. It's just less of a book.

Well, I guess I'll be running along. Nice meeting ya.

I thought you said you were here on official business.

I am. You said you wanted to see Eb.

- About what? - I'm sure I don't know.

Well, when you find out, give me a call.

Now, about this package. Is Eb Dawson here?

That's him.

Well, Eb Dawson, here's a package for you. It came in the mail.

Thank you. It's Leroy's hair! Who opened the box?

I did. For agricultural inspection.

It's against the law to send uninspected toupees into the state.

You see, we had a pretty severe toupee epidemic here a couple years ago.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

You wouldn't say that if you'd ever been infested with wig weevils.

Well, I guess you can use it. We dipped it and sprayed it. Oh, boy!

There. Now I'm ready for my homework.

It's a beautiful day, isn't it, sir?

What do you think of the Dodgers, sir? I think they could use--

He's talking to the other dummy.

Oh, I thought he was-- I don't think I liked that last remark.

I'm sure I didn't. You don't have any right to--

You fellas, if you want to argue, would you mind doing it outside?

Eb has to concentrate on his homework.

Shoo!

[ Knocking ]

- Who's there? - [ Eb ] Me. Can I come in?

Yes. Come in.

Hey, I just got my grades on my first toupee. They came special delivery.

I made an "A" on sideburns and a C-plus on pompadours.

Oh, that's wonderful! Isn't that exciting, Oliver?

Yes. Yes, I'm all broken out with goose pimples... or something.

- Eb, what's in the box? - That's my next assignment-- shaving.

You see, I put this on Leroy, and then I shave him...

and send it back 'em, and they grade me.

I'd better go sharpen my razor.

I just don't believe it. I-- I don't believe it.

Yes, it's difficult to believe--

our son, the barber.

Oh, please!

[ Snaps Fingers ]

Look, Oliver. Eb got a B-plus in shaving!

I would have gotten an "A", except for the two nicks I made in the neck.

How long is this thing going on?

I just have one more test. It's called "the works"--

mud pack, shampoo, hair dye and mustache trimming.

Good luck, Eb.

Yippee!

Eb, you clumsy-- Mm!

I passed! I passed! I'm gonna graduate.

Congratulations!

Oliver, isn't there anything you want to say to Eb?

Not in front of you.

Hey, the graduation exercises are next Tuesday.

You're gonna come, aren't ya?

I'm not going all the way to Indiana to see you--

We'll be there.

[ Man On Speaker ] And I particularly want to congratulate Eb Dawson,

who has graduated with the highest honors.

And to you, Eb, we award the degree of Bachelor of Barbering.

And as you go out into the world, we hope you never do anything...

to bring disgrace or dishonor to your scissors.

Now it's my pleasure to ask your parents to present you with your diploma.

We're not his parents. Oliver, give him his diploma.

There you are. Congratulations.

Thank you. Boy, wait till I hang this up on the, uh--

- Hey, it's blank! - It's blank? I--

If you would prefer a printed diploma,

please send $25 in cash or a money order.

If you send a personal check, please enclose your driver's license.

- I'll get your checkbook. - And I'll get your driver's license.

Don't bother.

I don't think I'll have it very long.

This afternoon I intend to go out and get arrested for drunken driving.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.