Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

[ Chirping ]

[ Chirping Continues ]

Oliver. Huh?

Are you doing bird calls in your sleep?

- What? - [ Bird Chirping ]

Oh, I'm sorry. That's coming to us live, from the tree.

- Do you mind if I go back to sleep? - Go ahead.

- Thanks. - But you're going to miss the first day of spring.

Fine. I'll see you when summer gets here.

- [ Chirping Continues ] - Mm, it's spring!

[ Clattering ]

- What happened to you? - I fell off the windowsill.

- What were you doing? - [ Chirping ]

Come over here. I want to show you something.

Oh, for the love of--

What is it?

Look over there. The birds.

What about 'em? They're in love.

How do you know that? He just brought her a worm.

That doesn't mean he's in love. It just proves he does the shopping.

Anyway, it's spring. [ Inhales ]

Take a deep breath!

Will you stop falling off the windowsill?

[ Groans ] Are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to give me a kiss? Sure.

That wasn't much of a spring kiss.

What is this thing with you and spring?

Doesn't it mean anything to you? Yes.

It means I've got to order my seeds from Mr. Drucker, and get them planted.

To think that you used to be the Don Juan of the bar association.

I remember one spring when you walked out on the Supreme Court...

to come out and give me a kiss. I didn't come out to kiss you.

I came out looking for my briefcase. You just happened to be standing there.

Now, do you want to make breakfast?

You were so "romantical" in those days.

I wasn't more romantical. I just happened to misplace my briefcase more often.

Now, will you make breakfast? When you were courting me,

you used to write me love poems. I did?

This is the first poem you ever wrote to me.

I pressed it in a menu from the 21 Club. That's a restaurant check.

Well, you wrote the poem on the back.

Twenty-two dollars? What did we have?

Well, it says so right here. I had champagne and caviar,

and you had a bloater and a bottle of beer.

Uh, could we-- No, you've got to hear first the poem.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height...

"My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight...

"For the ends of being and ideal grace.

"I love thee to the level of everyday's...

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight."

Oh! And you made that up right out of your own head...

while the waiter was standing there waiting for you to pay the check.

Well, with a $22 tab staring me in the face,

I had to think of something to stall.

You wrote beautiful poetry in those days.

Well, I guess I did. I had a flair for it, you know?

Would you like to write me a poem now?

Well, let's see, uh--

"Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands;

The smith, a mighty man is he, with large and sinewy hands."

Oh! You've done it again. Yep.

Look, why don't we go in the kitchen and see if we can dig up a bloater?

There you are, young lover, whoever you are. Thank you.

Aren't you going to give me a kiss for the hotcakes?

[ Sound Of Metal Bending ]

You ought to be thankful I don't have you arrested for them.

Nothing you can say today can make me love you the less.

Thank you. Now, what should we do today?

The first thing we should do is have the knives sharpened.

I think I'll give you a kiss you for that.

Lisa, will you stop this nonsense?

Good mornin'. [ Sighs Deeply ]

- What's the matter with you? - It's spring.

Way up there?

Ain't it spring down there too?

Sit down. Eat your breakfast.

What have we got, beer and bloaters?

- Hotcakes. - It don't sound very festive.

- Just eat 'em and suffer. - I'm sufferin' enough. I'm in love.

That's what happens this time of the year.

- Oh, boy. - Have you ever been in love?

Yes, he was. Once.

What do you mean, once? Well, you haven't written me a poem lately.

You mean this fatherly, silver-haired gentleman used to write poetry?

- Eb, I'm going to give-- - Hey, maybe you can help me.

I was plannin' on recitin' a poem to Claudelia tonight.

- Claudelia? - My English girlfriend.

She was "Miss Tea and Crumpets of 1966."

- Look-- - What poem were you going to recite?

This one.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"--

Oh, that's very nice, Eb, now-- Wait a minute!

Where did you get that poem? Well, he-- he probably heard me recite it.

No, sir, it was printed in a book.

Oliver, you're famous! They printed your poem in a book.

- Well, I guess uh-- - Gee, to think I'm having breakfast...

with Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

- Who is that? - She's the lady the book said wrote the poem.

Oh? I thought you said you made it up on the back of the restaurant check.

Well, I-I-- What about that other one:

"Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

You certainly wrote under a lot of different names.

All right, I didn't write them. I just wanted you to think I was romantic.

Well, you could have done that with a few diamonds.

Will you excuse me?

I'd love to stay and listen to y'all fight, but I gotta go pick some flowers for Claudelia.

You can pick them for her after you've finished work.

You expect me to work today? This is a day for lovers, for romance.

It's a good day for looking for another job too.

As soon as I buy the seed, we're going to-- Eb, you can have the day off.

Thank you. Hey, wait! Come back here!

Lisa, why did you tell him he could have the day off?

- It's not a legal holiday. - It is in Hungary.

On the first day of spring, nobody works.

They have a big festival, and everybody sings and dances in the middle of the street.

And everybody brings a girl and a cheese.

Suppose you don't happen to like cheese?

Well, then you can give the cheese to somebody else and keep the girl.

Or, if you want to, you can keep the cheese and give the girl to somebody else.

But anyway, it doesn't matter, because it's spring!

Good morning, Mr. Drucker. Good morning, Mr. Drucker.

- Mr. Drucker? - Oh, good morning.

- Are you all right? - Well, I-I'm not sure.

I woke up this morning with this strange feeling.

Well, what you got is the first day of spring.

- Is that today? - Yes, now I'd like to order some--

Just a minute.

Uh, Look, Mr. Drucker, I'd like to order my seeds because I want to start--

What happened to you? Can't you tell?

He grew a new head.

I always put this on the first day of spring.

It makes you look very young.

Oliver, why don't you wear one of those?

No, thank you. I have my own hair.

I forgot it was spring because it don't mean much around here anymore.

In the old days, people'd come from miles around...

and stand outside the store and wait for me to come out with my hair on.

That would be the signal to start the spring festival.

Oh? Did you have one of those too?

Oh, yeah. Oh, it sure was fun.

We'd have a parade, and there'd be floats and singing and dancing in the park--

♪ Tra, la, la, la ♪ And the fellows would bring a jug of cider and a girl.

Oh, in Hungary we did the same thing, only with cheese.

We never tried it with cheese.

Mr. Drucker, can I order-- Why don't you have the festival anymore?

Oh, people got older, and spring just didn't mean anything to them.

Oh, that's sad, because spring comes around only once a year,

no matter what age you are.

Like they say in Hungary, the older the cheese, the better you are.

Do they say anything in Hungary that makes sense?

Well, that makes sense. "The older the cheese, the"-- No, it doesn't.

Well, it doesn't make any sense that you don't have the festival anymore.

- And I think we ought to have one. - Well, it'd be nice,

but nobody seems interested in organizing one.

I'll be glad to organize it.

I'll get all the women and-- Lisa, Lisa--

You love me, don't you? Of course I do, darling.

You'd do anything for me? Of course I would.

Would you do me a little, teeny favor? What is it, sweetheart?

Would you keep your big, fat Hungarian nose out of this?

Mr. Douglas, would you mind explaining to me...

how this automatic seeder works again?

I've explained it to you twice already.

It's a little hard for me to understand.

I've never been an automatic seeder before.

Eb, I waited almost a week for this seed. Now let's get it planted.

But I don't want to make any mistakes.

All right. I'll explain it to you once more.

Now, that's a bag of seed, right?

Just a minute. Yep, they're seeds.

The idea is to plant them one foot apart.

Now, I figure the tractor moves along at approximately eight miles an hour,

so if you drop one seed every two seconds, they should be a foot apart.

You understand? Yes, sir.

- Nothing else is bothering you? - Yes, sir. I'm sittin' on a splinter.

Good, it'll keep you awake. Now are there any more questions?

How do I know when it's two seconds?

- Haven't you got a watch? - No, I can't afford one on my salary.

Here, use mine. Thank you.

Good-lookin' watch. Hey! It's got engravin' on it.

"To Oliver Wendell Douglas, from his friends and associates...

"at the law firm of Felton, O'Connell, Clay, Blakely, Harmon, Dillon and Pastor...

"in appreciation for 10 years of faithful service...

to our law firm, and with the hope-- Continued on watchband."

Will you just drop the seeds? Yes, sir.

[ Huffing ]

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop. One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One, two, drop.

One-- I haven't started yet.

Well, I have. One, two, drop.

One, two-- Eb, will you please cooperate with me?

I'd like to-- [ Horn Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

- Now what? - Howdy, Mr. Douglas.

Eb. Hi, Mr. Haney.

One, two, drop. Well, doin' your spring planting, huh?

- I'm trying to. - Well, I won't keep you. That'll be $17.

- Seventeen dollars? - One, two, drop.

Will you stop that? What was that about $17?

[ Buzzing, Chiming ]

Eighteen. The meter on my taxi's still runnin'. [ Eb Continues Seeding ]

[ Chiming ]

You just hit 19 on the Haney taxi meter.

- Nineteen? - One, two, drop.

Will you stop that! I can't stop it until you pay me.

I'm talking to Eb. What's all this about my owing you $19?

Well, that's for taxiing Mrs. Douglas all over the valley.

If she hired you, let her pay you.

Oh, she ain't got no money.

She spent her last $12 for the permit for the parade for the spring festival.

The Spring-- She's doin' a great job of organizin' it.

It ain't every woman that would hire a taxi for $19.

[ Buzzing, Chiming ]

Twenty. Tempus is sure runnin' up a big fugit.

I told her to forget about that spring festival. I'll see you later.

Where do you think you're going? As long as we're havin' a spring festival, I got a lot to do.

You're not leaving until we plant all the seed.

- Oh, I finished that bag. - Now, how could you--

Eb, what did-- Bye.

Come back here! Shh! I don't want you to miss the $21 chime.

[ Buzzing, Chiming Like Big Ben ]

Wasn't that beautiful? Turn that stupid thing off.

When you pay me the $21. I'll give you five.

Well, I'll take it.

For a fellow whose wife is organizin' the spring festival, you sure don't show much class.

Hey, where is my wife?

I'd like to have a little talk with her.

Well, the last place I dropped her off was the Millers.

And she said when she got done there, that she'd walk over to the Ziffels.

Doris, ain't you never gonna fix me no lunch?

Not now. I'm busy chaperonin' these two.

[ Oinking ]

Doggone it, Doris, you sure got a knack for bein' a killjoy.

[ Snorting ]

They're young. They oughta have some fun. Why don't you dance, Arnold?

Go over and turn on the Victrola.

- [ Snorting ] - [ Squealing ]

- ♪♪ [ Frug ] - You call that dancin'?

[ Knocking ]

Miz Douglas! Come in, come in. Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel.

Hello, Mrs. Ziffel. Oh!

I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.

Oh, that's Arnold's current girlfriend, Sue Ann.

Every spring he finds a new one.

Oh, well, that's what I came to talk to you about.

- ♪♪ [ Continues ] - Arnold, turn that off.

- You'd better take Sue Ann home now. - ♪♪ [ Off ]

- Would you like some coffee? - No, I'd like my lunch.

I was talkin' to Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, no, thank you. I can only stay a few moments.

I just came over to talk to you about the spring festival.

Spring festival? Oh, yes.

I used to go every year with my jug.

Yeah, and he used to take me too.

Yeah, but I had more fun with my jug.

Fred, how would you like--

Oh, Mrs. Ziffel. I didn't come over here to start an argument.

Oh, well, you didn't start it. This has been goin' on for 30 years.

Well, if that's true, then you need the festival...

to stop the arguing and start the romance again.

[ Sighs ] Gee, you know? That would be kind of nice.

Remember how it was when we first met, Fred?

- Fred? - Doris?

- Where's the bread? - In the bread box, stupid!

Oh, is that where you keep it?

I don't think a spring festival will help him.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to try.

I already spoke to Mrs. Miller, and Mrs. Simpson...

and some of the other women, and they're all going to take part in it.

Gee, I'd like to be in it too. Good!

Well, why don't you come over a little bit later and see what you can do.

Bye. Bye!

Doris, where do you keep the bread knife?

Look in your back.

[ Chugging ]

Two, drop, One, two, drop.

[ Continues ]

[ Engine Stops ] One, two, drop.

One, two, drop. What do you think you're doing?

I'm plantin' seeds. In the barnyard?

Well, I had some left over and-- We'll need them tomorrow.

Where's my watch?

Oh, I must have dropped that instead of a seed.

You-- Oh, yeah. There it is.

Put the rest of the seed in the barn.

- [ Horn Beeping ] - [ Watch Cracking ]

For crying out loud.

Oh. Look what you've done!

Well, that's one way of killing time. [ Laughs ]

- Oh, for-- - I got your message.

- What message? - Oh, the one about--

No, that wasn't from you, that was from, uh--

No, he doesn't have a telephone.

Well, now that I'm here, what can I do for you?

- You've done enough. - Hey, how did that happen?

You ran over it!

Oh, I did? Well, you better get in touch with my insurance company.

You see, I'm insured for running over, um--

No, that's for people, not watches.

Of course, if you'd been wearing the watch when I ran over it--

Where were you this morning when I was planting?

I had some questions to ask you.

Oh, I was over at, uh-- No, I couldn't have been over there. That was yesterday.

No, it couldn't have been yesterday because yesterday was Friday.

Today is Friday.

It is? Then I know what I was doing. [ Snaps Fingers ]

I was gettin' some stuff for your wife.

What is that? Huh? This is some stuff for the festival.

Oh, that stupid festival!

No, this is a spring festival. Stupid festival's next month.

Yes, And you're gonna be king. Hmm?

I am? Gosh, that makes three years in a row.

Oh! Hello there. Oh. Here you are, Mrs. Douglas.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. Don't mention it. I guess you already have.

[ Chuckles ] Well, I'll see you at the festival.

You take care of these.

What are they? Red paint and feathers. That's your festival costume.

You're going to be the first robin of spring.

What?

We're going to paste the feathers on you, and then paint your breast red.

No, you're not! [ Paint Cans Clang ]

Then we're going to have to get Eb to play the robin.

Eb's got work to do.

We've got to put forty acres in seeds before it rains.

Well! You just said the dirty word.

- Huh? - Rain!

What are you trying to do-- put a hex on the festival?

We need rain more than we need that silly festival.

Nobody's working. Everybody's spending all their time-- [ Knocking ]

What's that? Ralph and Alf are working in the bedroom.

Well, at least somebody's doing something constructive.

No, they're not.

Excuse me. Oh, hi, Mr. Douglas.

Howdy doody! Happy spring festival!

Will you stop that?

Would you mind telling me what you're tryin' to do?

We're building a float for the parade. Yeah, it's gonna be your nest.

- My nest? - Well, you're playing the robin, aren't you?

- No, I am not. - Even though it's a different union,

I'd be glad to paint your breast red.

Nobody is going to paint my breast.

Here. Here's your egg.

It goes in the nest, and you sit on it.

Want to try it on for size?

No, I don't! And what are you building this thing in here for?

We thought it'd be warmer in here for you to rehearse in your costume.

We wouldn't want the robin to have a chapped breast.

Don't worry about that, because I'm not gonna be a robin.

Boy, you're a real festival pooper. That's what I am.

- Now get this outta here. - Gee!

How do you suggest we do that? It won't fit through the door.

Well, why didn't you think of that before you built it?

- Yeah, why didn't we? - Of all the stupid--

What are you yelling about now?

These two idiots built this thing, now they can't get it out.

Don't get your feathers ruffled, Rob, we'll take it apart.

I'll get the crowbar.

Oliver, what have you got against spring?

I haven't got anything against it.

Then why are you trying to foul up our festival?

I'm not trying to-- What happened to you?

It's raining!

Well, you've done it! You made it rain.

How could I make it rain?

You mentioned the unmentionable word.

All I said was that we need rain more than we need this silly festival.

- [ Thunderclap ] - I guess that's the end of the festival.

And that's the end of us.

Lisa! This is ridiculous. I didn't--

Oh, go sit on your egg.

Oliver, I changed my mind.

If you want to, you can sleep in the bed.

No, thanks. I'm comfortable here.

Would it be all right if I got in there with you?

Oh, I'm sorry. This is a single nest.

Well, if you took the egg out--

I'd have to clear that with the Audubon Society.

[ Thunderclap ] Well--

♪♪ [ Whistling ] What did you say?

I said-- ♪♪ [ Whistling Like A Bird ]

And what is that supposed to mean?

That's robin talk.

A loose translation would mean,

"Let's toss the egg out, and the heck with the Audubon Society."

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.