Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Mr. Douglas? Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter? I picked up this letter at Drucker's.

- Oh, thank you. - It's for Mrs. Douglas.

- Well, I'll give it to her. - Promise you won't steam it open?

I promise.

Thank you. Oh, Monaco.

- Who's she? - No, that's a place.

- That's where Monte Carlo is. - What's Monty doing there?

Eb, haven't you ever heard of Monte Carlo, the famous gambling casino?

Oh, yeah, where they play roulette, "shimmy de fur" and "batrack."

Shimmy de fur and batrack?

- Yeah. You ever play them? - No, I've played chemin de fer and baccarat.

Oh. Lisa--

Can I have the stamp, Dad?

Will you stop calling me Dad?

Oliver, did you want me? Can I have the stamp, Mom?

And stop calling her Mom.

What stamp? Here.

Oh, a letter from my mother.

Oh, boy, a letter from Grandma.

She's not your grandmother. Sorry, Dad.

And stop call-- Don't you want to hear the letter?

Yes, yes. What does she have to say?

[ Speaking Hungarian ]

Would you mind reading it in some language I can understand?

- Which one is that? - Try English.

Well, the least you can do is to learn to speak the language...

if you're listening into somebody else's letter.

- Would you read the letter? - "Darling, I'm here in Monte Carlo.

Last night, I won 180 million francs playing shimmy de fur and batrack."

See?

She means chimer de fur and baccarat.

Grandma oughta know what she won the money at.

- May I continue? - Go ahead.

"Yesterday, I went to the Grand Prix."

I didn't know she liked auto races.

Liked them? She loves them. Listen to this.

"I was leading the field for 12 laps,

when I dropped my gearbox on the straightaway."

Oh, for--

"After the race, they had a ball at the palace,

and I wore my diamond 'tah-rah-rah.'"

What's a tah-rah-rah? It's a tiara.

- Will you let me finish the letter? - Yes, please, finish.

"I was planning to go to the Italian Riviera next month,

"but I haven't seen you in such a long time...

that I decided to pay you and what's-his-name a visit."

- That's you. - She's getting better.

She used to call me whatchamacallit.

"I wonder if you and whatchamacallit could do me a favor."

Uh, what does "whosis" want?

Oh, she wants us to rent her a villa while she's here.

Rent a villa in Hooterville?

Well, it doesn't have to be too big, but it should have a swimming pool.

How about Newt Kiley's place?

He don't have a pool, but she can swim in the irrigation ditch.

I don't think she would like that.

How'd she like to rent our barn?

You can't put a countess in a barn.

No, y-- What countess?

My mother. You know that.

Oh, boy, Grandma's a countess!

Where you going? I gotta take a bath.

A countess! Wow! Wait till I tell everybody.

Eb, don't--

Of all the-- Lisa, what did you tell him that for? Your mother's no countess.

You never saw the coat of arms she has embroidered on her nightgown?

How could I? I never had the opportunity to--

This whole thing is silly. What are you looking for?

For the family crest. I thought we ought to hang it in front of the house.

It would make mother feel at home.

Lisa, will you cut it out?

Your mother is no more of a countess than I am.

That shows how much you know.

In the old country, there were two classes of people:

the countesses and the other kind.

And my mother was a countess because she was born on the right side of the Danube.

It doesn't make any difference which side of the Danube she was born on.

You don't become a countess until somebody makes you one.

Somebody did. My father.

He wasn't a count. How could he make her a countess?

- He had something on the king. - What king?

The one who forgot to pull the shades down in the palace.

When is Her Highness arriving?

You'll know when you hear the trumpets.

The trumpets.

Your family has a great deal of mechanical trouble, hasn't it?

What does that mean? Well, your mother dropped her gearbox,

and now you've slipped your clutch.

Here you are, Arnold. Take this to Fred.

[ Snorting ]

Huh? What'd you say, Doris? Oh, it's you.

You're getting to where you sound more like Doris every day.

Ha! Well, how about that?

How do you like it, Fred?

Well, that's beautiful, Sam.

Ain't that the same size type you used to announce that Tom Dewey was elected president?

I wish you wouldn't mention that, Fred.

I ain't the only paper to make that mistake. What mistake?

Tom Dewey was elected president. He was?

No.

Well, what'd you print it for?

Well, I didn't know. Take a look at that, Newt.

"Countess to visit Hooterville." Hey, that's us.

Uh, this countess, who is he?

It's not a he, it's Mrs. Douglas's mother.

No foolin'. Hey.

Good morning, gentlemen. [ All Saying Good morning ]

Say, did you hear the news about Dewey being elected president?

Dewey?

Newt's just talking about a little mistake I made once.

Your mother-in-law's in the newspaper.

Who told you she was a countess?

Eb did. We should have known Mrs. Douglas was a crowned head.

Yeah, she's got royalty stamped all over her. She is not--

Do you know what the countess means to Hooterville?

- I have no idea. - It means that now we can out-snoot Pixley.

Yeah, they ain't gonna be able to throw his lordship up to us anymore.

- Lordship? - They've been rubbing it in,

ever since that English lord visited Pixley.

He didn't visit them. He got off the bus there by mistake.

Well, it didn't make no difference.

They gave him a parade, didn't they?

And they declared July 12 Lordship Day. Lordship Day?

Yeah, they closed the banks and the schools, but they leave the pubs open.

Yeah, but now we got 'em.

Say, a countess is higher than a lordship, ain't she?

Oh, by two points.

You hear that?

We better give her a real big parade. Look, fellas, I--

Say, do you suppose that you could get the countess to wear her tah-rah-rah?

Tiara. Yeah, her tiara tah-rah-rah.

Yes, and she'll wear her "boom-dee-aye" too.

Listen to me now. My mother-in-law is a plain, ordinary--

It don't seem to me like a parade is big enough for a countess.

Well, we can discuss all that at the chamber meeting tonight. You'll be there, won't ya?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Countess.

Oh, Mr. Douglas, I've been waitin' for you. Oh, no.

I hear you're looking for a "viller" for the countess.

No, I'm not. If you'll just tell me what it is,

I'm sure I got one on my truck.

I doubt that. A villa is a house.

It is? Mr. D., you are a lucky man.

I just happen to have the most charming three-bedroom viller,

with "sumpstone" front, thatched roof,

a fireplace in every room, including the bathroom,

which I will let the countess have for $16 a month.

Sixteen dollars a month?

It would be more, but the drawbridge ain't workin'.

Now, if you'll just sign this seven-year lease--

Mr. Haney, you're wasting your time.

My mother-in-law's gonna stay at our house.

You mean you're gonna let the countess stay in that dump?

You sold me that dump.

Only because you're a commoner.

Look, I-- I understand that her countess-ship...

is looking for a staff of servants too.

No, she-- How tall does a butler have to be?

I have no idea. I got one that's 7'3",

but he has to have Saturday nights off to play basketball.

Do you think the countess would object to that? She's not a countess.

If the countess needs any other kind of help,

just have her call my agency.

I can supply everything for royalty,

from a scullery maid to a tiara tah-rah-rah polisher.

I'll have the countess get in touch with you.

Uh, you better take my card.

Do you realize what you started by saying that your mother's a countess?

Well, she is. Oh, she's just a little Hungarian lady,

who makes a few francs playing batrack-- or baccarat.

Well, if she isn't a countess, why does she have a diamond tah-rah-rah?

A diamond ta--

You know that Mr. Drucker got out an extra?

Extra what? An extra edition,

with a story in it about your mother.

My mother? Oh, you mean the countess.

She's not-- Look, will you stop walking out on me?

You better get this countess nonsense straightened out before somebody--

[ Knocking ] Now who's that?

Oh, Ralph. Oh, Mrs. Ziffel.

Howdy doody, your countess-ship.

- Oh, boy. - Gosh, Mrs. Douglas,

why didn't you tell us your blood was type "R"?

- Type "R"? - Royal.

I'll say one thing, you're no snob.

You've always treated me and my brother like we were human beings.

That wasn't easy.

We'll thank you to button your lip.

We've having an audience with the countess.

I'm no countess.

- You're not? - I could have been,

but I blew it when I married the commoner.

Oh, now, now, wait a--

Yeah, I know just how you feel. I married below my station too.

Well, we're here on official business.

The every-other-Wednesday afternoon women's club...

would like to give the countess a luncheon.

- Do you think she'd come? - If it's free, she'll be there.

Is there someplace else we can go and talk...

and not be bothered by the riffraff?

When the countess comes to the luncheon, do you think you could get her to wear her tiara?

Her tah-rah-rah-- Her tiara-rara.

No, no, no, tiara. It's a French word.

It means-- I know what it means.

Well, then why can't you pronounce it?

- Ooh, for-- - When is the countess arriving?

Well, from her letter, it could be any day now.

It would be helpful if we could know what day so we can plan the luncheon.

That's no problem. Just keep a pot of goulash burning in the window.

[ Gasps ] Boy, are you insecure.

Well, we'll be running along.

We just wanted you to know what the countess's visit means to Hooterville.

Yeah, we're gonna show Pixley-- them and their Lordship Day.

Gee, maybe we can get the chamber to declare her arrival a legal holiday.

All those in favor of declaring the countess's arrival a legal holiday, say aye.

- [ All ] Aye. - Motion carried unanimously.

Wait a minute. I didn't vote for it.

Well, you're not a bona fide member of the chamber.

I most certainly am. I paid my dues.

- Let me see your membership card. - You never sent me one.

- Then you're not a member. - Mr. Trendell, that's not for you to say.

[ Gavel Pounds ] Order! Order!

Now then, about the countess's parade.

May I say something? No.

Mr. Trendell, I don't want you to have-- What about the music?

Uh, the Volunteer Fire Department Band will handle that.

Mr. Douglas, what country is the countess from?

Perth Amboy.

Do they have a national anthem?

"Yes, We Have No Bananas."

Mr. Douglas, if you can't restrain yourself--

- I'm trying to. - Mr. Douglas,

I take it from your attitude that you are not true Hooterville.

We should have known that from some of those vests he wears.

What have my vests got to do with it?

They're the same color as the Pixley city flag.

Listen. What-- Gentlemen.

All I'm trying to do is to keep you from making fools of yourselves.

You don't become a countess because the king left the shades up on the palace. I mean--

[ Gavel Pounds ] Uh, thank you, Mr. Douglas.

Now how about press coverage. Who's gonna get in touch with Drew Pearson?

- I'll take care of that. - You'll take care--

Who's gonna get in touch with the secretary of state?

- Oh, I'll take care of that. - This is the silliest thing--

Uh, now, the next item on the agenda is when is the countess gonna get here.

Well, the sorehead can answer that.

Yes, I'd like to, but I don't have a membership card.

Here, borrow mine.

Now, when is she arriving, Mr. Douglas?

- Sometime this week, I guess. - Well, how is she coming, by train, plane or car?

- I don't know. - He's not gonna tell us. He's a Pixley lover.

- I'm not a-- - Well, what are we gonna do?

We can't stand out in the street all week,

not knowing when she's coming or how.

I think I got an idea.

Where's this one go, Sam? Uh, right there.

And where's this one go? Well, there's only one pipe left.

Oh, hello, Mr. Drucker. Say, I wanted to buy so-- What are these?

This is the idea I was talking about.

The countess arrival warning system.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll wait for you in the store.

Well, you better listen to this, Mr. Douglas.

You might have to take a turn as a countess watcher.

Well, I'm first. All right.

Now, the countess arrival warning system...

is designed to tell us when the countess is coming and how.

If she comes by train, the watcher sends up this green rocket,

and everybody assembles at the depot with their instrument.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, if you'd like to make notes--

Oh, no, no, I can remember that.

Now, if she comes by plane, then he sets off this red rocket,

and we all head for the airport with our instrument.

Are, uh-- Are you sure you can remember all this, Mr. Douglas?

I don't see how I can forget it.

Okay. Now, the yellow rocket is if she arrives by car,

And in that case, we all meet right here.

Red if by land, and green if by sea.

Darling, what are you doing? I'm leaving.

If you want me, I'll be at my club in New York.

What club? I don't know. Whichever one will let me join.

Well--

But, Oliver-- Lisa, I don't wanna be here when your mother gets here.

It's gonna be a shambles. Parades, skyrockets, bands.

[ Girls ] ♪ Hail to the countess Hail to the countess ♪

♪ We're so glad you're here ♪

♪ Hail to the countess Hail to the countess ♪

♪ Raise your glass of beer ♪

Raise your glass of beer?

No, that's not right. Or is it?

No, it's not. It's "raise your glass and cheer."

Hi, Mr. Kimball. Hello, Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Douglas. Mrs. Douglas. What's going on here?

Oh, the girls have worked out a welcoming ceremony...

for Mrs. Douglas's countess mother.

Well, it's very nice, but who are these girls?

They're members of the HYPAS.

Girls, what does that stand for?

- Hooterville, - Young.

- People. - Athletic. - Society.

Athletic? No, that doesn't sound right.

You know why it doesn't sound right? Because it's wrong.

It should be agricultural.

- I can't say that. - Oh.

She came very highly recommended.

Well, we'll have to do a little rearranging.

Well, not a little. We'll have to change the whole--

Um, you take Agricultural.

Uh, that'll leave Society open. Uh-- You take that.

Uh, that moves you up to People. Uh, you become Young.

And, uh, well, whoever's left, gets Hooterville.

Now, let's try it again. Girls, what does HYPAS mean?

Society. People. Young.

Hooterville. Agriculture.

- That's better. - Better than what?

After the girls sing their beer song--

er, uh, cheer song and spell out their HYPAS,

then they're gonna show the countess the tomatoes they've grown.

Well, they didn't grow 'em. The vines grew them.

Well, anyway, girls, show your tomatoes.

[ Girls Laughing ]

I said show 'em, not throw 'em.

[ Whistling ]

- What's that? - A yellow rocket.

That means she's coming by-- No, that was a red rocket. Or is it green.

Well, whatever it is, the countess is here.

♪ Hail to the countess Hail to the countess ♪

♪ Raise your glass of beer ♪

Cheer. Oh, well, save it for the parade.

Come, darling. We got to go into "Hootersville." Mother is here.

♪♪ [ Playing ]

Where is Mother? Oh, she's in the store.

What's the matter? Oh, I guess the excitement was too much for the countess.

She passed clean out. Yeah, Mother, what's the matter?

Speak to me. Why should she? That's not your mother.

- That ain't the countess? - No.

Newt, why did you fire the signal?

Well, I thought she was driving a countess car.

[ Sighs ]

We're sorry about this, ma'am, but we thought you were somebody important.

What kind of a town is this?

I stopped to ask for directions, and the next thing I know rockets are going off.

They thought you were my mother, the countess.

I don't wanna hear about it. Just let me outta here.

♪ Hail to the countess Hail to the countess ♪

♪ Raise your glass of beer ♪

♪ Hail to the countess Hail to the countess ♪

Well, this should make an interesting case for the Supreme Court.

See what you started when you started that countess nonsense?

The poor woman nearly had a nervous breakdown.

Well, it wasn't my fault she was driving a countess car.

Where's Grandma? It wasn't Grandma.

- It wasn't? She said she was. - Who said she was?

The lady that drove up here in the long black car with the two fellas in front,

with the steering wheel on the wrong side and the bar in the backseat.

Oliver, that's Mother's car with the chauffeur and the "footsman."

I told you.

She was here. Where is she now?

I sent her into Hooterville to be paraded. Why did you--

Oh, Oliver, come on, let's go. We'll miss the parade.

Oh, I didn't see any car like that.

You sure? Positive.

I think I know a countess car when I see one.

Yeah, you didn't know one when you fired off the rocket for that poor woman.

Well, none of us is perfect.

That ought to be the motto for this town.

Oliver, where could she be? I don't know. She's probably back at the farm.

She wasn't there? No.

- Maybe she got lost. - She couldn't have.

I gave the two fellas that were drivin' real clear directions.

I told them to go down the road till they came to the place...

where the Barton's Bull Moose Tobacco sign used to be, and then turn left.

Where it used to be?

Yeah, and then to turn to the left. Then--

No, I should have told them to turn to the right.

I guess they are lost.

- You knucklehead, how-- - Look there!

[ Whistling ]

They found her! They found her!

It was a misfire. That Holmby kid focused his magnifying glass on the fuse.

Then Mother isn't here? No, ma'am.

Well, where could she be, Oliver?

I haven't the faintest idea. Ha!

Well, Mr. Douglas, how does it feel to be the world's champion rat fink?

- What? - He sold us out to Pixley just like I said he would.

Now, that's a mighty serious charge, Roy.

- Well, have you seen TV in the last 10 minutes? - No.

Well, they're parading our countess over in Pixley. Turn on your set.

How did Mother get to Pixley?

Eb gave her the wrong directions.

Aw, using the kid to do your dirty work. [ Scoffs ]

Mr. Trendell, I've had about enough of your--

Shh!

But-- But I tell you, I am not a countess.

- That's not the countess. Where is your mother? - I don't know.

Oliver, where could Mother be? Oh, stop worrying.

She's only been missing a week.

Well, maybe something happened to her. Now, your mother is all right.

She's the most self-reliant person I've ever known. You'll hear from her soon.

This letter just came from Grandma Countess.

You see? Where is she?

She's in St. Moritz. Boy, she really took a wrong turn.

Listen to this. "Darling, here I'm in St. Moritz.

"I'm sorry you weren't home when I visited Hootersville. Maybe next time.

"Anyway, Switzerland is beautiful, and I have a very exciting news for you.

"The chauffeur, the footsman and I...

"just won the three-man bobsled race.

"I enjoyed my visit with you, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again next year.

All my love to you and what's-his-name." Uh, that's you.

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that.

I guess I'm the only one that saw Grandma.

How did she look? Well, I really couldn't tell.

She never took off her scuba diving mask.

Bye, Eb. Oh, bye.

Grandma forgot her shoes.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.