Original subtitles

[ Oliver ] ♪ Green Acres ♪

♪ Is the place to be ♪

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me ♪

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide ♪

♪ Keep Manhattan Just give me that countryside ♪

[ Lisa ] ♪ New York is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a penthouse view ♪

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue ♪

♪ The chores ♪

♪ The stores ♪

- ♪ Fresh air ♪ - ♪ Times Square ♪

- ♪ You are my wife ♪ - ♪ Good-bye, city life ♪

[ Together ] ♪ Green Acres, we are there ♪♪

Lisa! Turn off the water!

Uh, Lisa. Yes, master?

Will you hand me my towel, please?

What do you need it for?

To dry myself. Now, how did you get all wet?

I've been tak-- Will you bring me a towel?

You used to swipe towels from hotels,

now you swipe them from executive producers.

What? Would you hand me my bathrobe, please?

Well, if you want all this service, you should've married a Japanese lady.

Next time, I will.

The robe, please.

Does that mean they wrote the crate?

What? What are you talking about?

I wondered how they were going to get that one in.

Aren't you dressed yet?

Well, I have the underneath on, but I can't make up my mind about the outside.

Lisa, we're gonna be late. For what?

- The town meeting. - Oh? What town are we meeting?

Will you put something on?

Well, um--

Do you like this one? Yes.

- It's out of style. - By the time you're dressed, it'll be back in style.

You sure know how to hurt a sensitive Hungarian girl.

I'm just trying to get you to hurry up.

Would you like to pick out a dress?

Here. That's very good.

Now pick one for me.

Lisa, I'll give you five minutes, and then I'm leaving.

- You'll wait for me. - Don't be too sure.

There is one sure way a woman can always make a man wait for her.

- What's that? - Swipe the keys to his car.

Get dressed.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ziffel, Mrs. Ziffel.

Hi, Mrs. Douglas. Hello, Arnold.

Arnold, say hello.

- What's the matter with him? - Oh, he's sulking...

because we didn't let him stay home and watch TV.

- [ Squeals, Grunts ] - It won't hurt for you...

to miss Walter Cronkite one night.

- [ Squeals, Grunts ] - Now, as you all know...

we have a very special speaker tonight.

And I'm gonna call on Hank Kimball to intro--

Hey! Ain't we gonna do the Pledge of Allegiance?

I told everybody to do that at home to save time.

Now, here's your county agent, Hank Kimball.

[ Applause ]

Thank you very much.

Hank, you're supposed to introduce Mr. Tepple.

- I am? Where is he? - He's sittin' right beside ya.

Oh!

I'd like to introduce Mr. Tepple, who's sitting right next to me.

[ Applause ]

Folks, Mr. Tepple is chairman of the State Agricultural Society,

and he's come all the way from the state capital...

to talk to us on a very important matter.

- Mr. Tepple. - [ Applause ]

Thank you. Thank you.

- Uh, ladies and gentlemen-- - [ Squeals ]

Would you talk a little louder? Arnold can't hear you.

Oh, yes, surely.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, for over a year now,

the State Agricultural Society...

has been planning to charter a plane...

to take the farmers from this area over to France...

to study their farming methods firsthand.

Now, uh, I hope that you people from Hooterville will participate in this flight.

It sounds like an interesting idea.

Yes. Uh, how many days are we going to spend in Paris?

Paris? Is that in France? Yes.

Put me down for one seat.

Fred Ziffel, you ain't goin' without me.

Maybe before you all start arguin', we oughta find out a little more about it.

Yeah. How much is it gonna cost?

Well, the plane holds 120 people.

If Hooterville will guarantee 10 people,

it shouldn't cost more than 300 or 350 dollars.

That's sounds reasonable. When would we be going?

Oh, uh, Mr. Drucker, uh-- Oh, yes.

Mr. Tepple has to get over to another meeting in Pixley,

and he asked if we'd excuse him.

Uh, yes. If you have any questions, please ask Mr. Kimball.

He has all the information. Uh, thank you and good night.

Now, are there any questions you'd like to ask Hank about the trip?

Yes, I have one.

You're supposed to answer the questions.

I am?

Oh! Well, I have the details right here.

Uh-- Oh, they're in my other suit.

No, my brother's in my other suit.

- Does that answer your question? - Nobody asked a question.

Oh, good, then we can get on with the movies.

- What movies? - Oh, uh,

some French pictures I borrowed from Charlie Wirtner.

[ Chuckles ] Sort of give you an idea what the country's like.

If somebody'd turn off the lights.

Newt, run the projector. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, these pictures were taken on Charlie's recent visit to Paris.

Oh, this is the main street of Paris on a typical Sunday afternoon.

As you can see, everybody is walking and having a great time.

- When was Charlie in Paris? - 1918.

Oh, brother.

Oh! This is the Paris airport.

As you can see, people love to come to the airport at night...

and watch the planes come in. That's Lindbergh's plane.

Yeah. All the airlines land there.

This is a new department store they were building when Charlie was out there.

If you notice, they just have the framework up.

That's the Eiffel Tower. Turn on the lights!

- What are you showing those for? - Well, the only other ones...

Charlie had were the Kaiser signing the armistice.

Forget those stupid pictures. Let's talk about the trip.

Yeah, the question is, is Hooterville gonna send a delegation?

Uh, how much did Mr. Tepple say it's gonna cost?

300 or 350 dollars.

- Does that include everything? - Oh, no, that's, uh, just the "round-plane" trip fare.

Uh, no, the "round-fare" trip plane.

Obviously, it's just the plane fare.

That's gonna run up the price.

Food's gonna cost at least two dollars a day.

And you can't get a first-class hotel for less than a dollar and a half.

We don't have to stay at the best places.

Whatever it costs, it's worth it.

It'll give us all an opportunity...

to see how farmers in another country work and live.

We'll be able to observe and learn, exchange ideas.

Well, why don't we take a vote on it?

All those in favor of goin' to France, raise your hands.

Motion's carried.

Well, good morning, dear.

Good morning. What's that mess?

- They're croissants. - They are?

Well, they're not official French croissants. I made them out of hotcake batter.

I must say, your hotcake batter has an international flavor--

which is about the only flavor it does have.

If I wasn't going to hit you for a whole new wardrobe in Paris,

I'd resent that.

Lisa, this is not going to be a shopping tour.

We'll probably only be in Paris for one day.

Well, that's all right. I'll get up at 6:00 in the morning--

Lisa, forget Paris.

How can I forget Paris?

Remember how we used to walk down the Champs-Élysées hand in hand?

Lisa, I was never in Paris with you.

What? Who's hand was I walking with?

I'm sure I don't know. Uh, how do you break these?

[ Loud Banging ]

- You're not even jealous. - One problem at a time. How do you break these?

[ Bangs ] "Bun jower, mun amy."

Oh, boy. This is really a day for problems.

This is a genuine French "burett."

Mr. Drucker's got a complete line of 'em.

They only cost 16 francs-- that's $1.50 in your American money.

- You look very French, Eb. - Yeah, he looks like the Eiffel Tower with a flat hat.

- Sit down, Pierre. - Oh, "mercy."

Ooh la la! "Croy-sants."

"Croy-sants." French horseshoes. By the way, when are we leaving?

- We? - That means "yes" in French.

I know what it means in French.

Uh, what do you mean in English, "we"?

You, me and Mama-- that's you.

Merci. Vous êtes très gentil.

- You hear that? - Yes.

- You know what it means? - It means we're going, but without you.

No, no, no, that's not what it means. It means that I--

I prefer my own translation.

You mean you'd go to France and leave me alone? Oui.

- Speak English. This is important. - Oliver, why can't we take him?

Well, for one thing, somebody's gotta stay here and take care of the farm.

Why don't you do that? It's your farm.

- That's right. - Lisa, I'm not laying out...

any money for a ticket for Left Bank Louie.

Well, I think every boy should see Paris at least once.

Thank you, Mama. Look, we'll discuss this later.

Uh, let's get back to work.

- [ Clangs ] - Oh, boy! A ringer!

[ Chuckles ]

Gosh, Mrs. Douglas, it's awful nice of you to take the time to do this.

Yeah, I don't have any idea what kind of clothes to take to France.

Well, why don't we start at the beginning with the nightgowns.

Well, this is the gowns I always wear.

Ooh! I couldn't wear that! You can see right through it!

Well, don't look.

What kind of dresses should we take?

Mr. Douglas said we're going to spend four weeks in Europe.

Well, we'll need on dress in the morning,

one for the afternoon, one for cocktails and one for dinner.

Times one week, 28 dresses--

Times four week, or 112 dresses.

112? I only got three.

Well, don't worry about that.

You can buy everything you need in Europe.

- That'll cost a lot of money. - Well, you don't need any money. You can charge it.

Oh! Fred don't believe in chargin' things.

He says, "If you don't have the cash, don't buy it."

Well, he shouldn't talk like that. That's very unpatriotic.

- What about coats? - Well, if I were you, I would take at least three--

A chinchilla, a sable and an ermine.

But I've only got one cloth coat.

- Don't you even have a basic mink? - No.

Well, don't worry about it. I'll lend you one of mine.

Howdy, Mr. Douglas. Well, how are you, Mr. Haney?

I guess you've been lookin' all over for me.

No, I haven't. Well, you're going to France, ain't you?

Well, we've been-- Then you're gonna need one of these.

Mr. Haney, I've got all the suitcases I need.

- With a false bottom? - False bottom?

I knew that'd get your attention.

Now, to open it, you simply-- Oh.

Uh, pardon me. Would you mind turnin' your back?

- What? - Well, in case you don't buy it,

it wouldn't be fair for you to know about somebody else's false bottom.

I am not interested in any--

It's handy for bringing in small things...

that you might be too ashamed for the customs inspector to see.

Now, to open it, you just press--

Clever, ain't it?

Where's the false bottom? In the money belt.

See? While the customs inspector...

is tryin' to figure out what happened to the suitcase,

he forgets to ask you if you've got anything in your money belt,

and you go through duty-free.

- That's illegal. - I never saw anything that said it was illegal...

for a man's suitcase to fall apart.

- I don't need it. - Well,

here's somethin' that you will need-- a passport.

Only $6.95, including the hand-tinted photo.

Mr. Haney, only the State Department can issue passports.

- For what country? - The United States.

Well, you're goin' to France.

This is a genuine French passport,

personal signed by Maurice "Chevaliar."

I have a passport. Oh.

Then, would you mind rolling up your sleeves so I can vaccinate you?

Mr. Haney, please, leave me alone.

Not until I've sold you the one thing every American needs...

while traveling abroad.

Haney's traveler's checks.

Haney's traveler's checks?

I can just imagine me trying to get somebody to cash one of those for me.

Easiest thing in the world.

Oh! Excuse me, sir. Would you mind cashing this $10 traveler's check?

Sorry, I-- Oh, it's a Haney's traveler's check.

I'd be glad to help ya.

Thank you.

Where did you have him stashed? Who?

The shill that cashed the check for ya.

Mr. Douglas, I never saw him before.

He was a perfect stranger.

How long we gonna be here, Cousin Eustace?

A stranger, huh? Well, I guess nobody's perfect.

How do you spell your last name, Mr. Ziffel?

Z-I-F-F-E-L.

Put me down for two tickets. You're gonna take Doris?

No, I'm gonna take Sophia Loren.

Doris ain't gonna like that.

No, you nitwit. You know Doris wouldn't let me go to France by myself.

She won't even let me go to Pixley alone.

- How about you, Mr. Kimball? Are you going? - No. I was in Pixley yesterday.

- He's talkin' about France. - Oh.

Well, I-I haven't been there-- or have I?

No, I don't guess I ever have. Better put me down for one ticket.

Oh, Mr. Douglas! Mr. Tepple's making up the plane list.

Oh! Mrs. Douglas and I are going. Put us down.

Oh. Oh, that's fine. Well, that makes 10 from Hooterville.

That fills up the plane and brings down the cost to $300.

Three hundred. Now that's very inexpensive.

It sure is. H-Here's my 30.

H-Here's mine. That's 30 for me and 30 for Doris.

Well, that-- Th-There's some mistake.

No, there ain't. You said the fare was $300,

and there's 10 of us going from Hooterville.

That makes it $30 apiece.

- Here's my 30. - No, fellas, you misunderstood.

The fare is $300 apiece.

Give me back my 60. Yeah, give me back my 30.

- Yeah, mine too. - I-I don't understand how you could--

Mr. Tepple, it happens all the time.

Now, will you wait outside a minute?

- I think I can straighten this out. - Well, don't count on it.

Now, look,

did you really think that all it cost to go to Europe is $30?

We don't know. We weren't never there before.

Mr. Drucker, you're a sensible man.

Didn't $30 seem a little cheap to you?

Yeah, that's why I was goin'.

$300 is a very reasonable price.

Not as reasonable as 30.

Look, normally, it costs ya almost three times that much to fly to Europe.

The only reason this was so cheap was because they're chartering the plane.

Well, they didn't have to charter such an expensive plane.

It won't really cost you the $300.

This is a business trip. It's deductible.

- From what? - From your income tax!

- Did that go through? - Yes.

Well, they oughta send us some literature or somethin'.

Gentlemen,

do you realize the good that this trip will accomplish?

You know, the American farmer isn't an island.

He doesn't stand behind his fences and say,

"I don't care what goes on in the rest of the world."

No. The American farmer wants to learn and to observe his neighbors,

whether they're across the road or across the sea. ♪♪ [ Fife And Drum ]

The jet plane has broken down the barriers of time and space.

Today, Hooterville-- Tomorrow, France.

Don't turn your backs on this great opportunity!

Dig down in your pockets. Somehow you'll find the money.

Mr. Douglas, the most I could possibly dig up for this trip would be $78.

Yeah, I could scare that up too.

Yeah, so could I. Fine.

We'll have a $78 trip to Europe.

Would you care to put that in the form of a motion?

I move that we go to Europe for $78, like Mr. Douglas said.

- All those in favor, say, "aye." - [ All ] Aye!

The motion's carried.

So, I sarcastically suggested a $78 trip to Europe,

and they voted to go. Well, I'm with them.

Why should we pay 300, when we can go for 78?

You cannot fly to Europe and back for $78. [ Knocking ]

Come in. Oh, Mr. Tepple.

Ah. Happy to see you. So am I.

Mr. Douglas, I'll be brief.

- You are an international troublemaker. - I beg your pardon.

Would you like to have some coffee? No.

I-I was talking to him.

- Uh, no, thank you. - If you want some, just say "when."

Mr. Douglas, it might interest you to know...

that thanks to the wild claims you've made,

our trip to France has been canceled.

Offering to fly your group to France for $78.

I never said that. Weren't you there when I talked to them?

- When? - I'll get the coffee.

He doesn't want any coffee. But he just said "when."

Thanks to you, everybody has withdrawn from our flight.

They refuse to pay the $300, because they claim you can give them the same thing for 78.

- I never said that! - Do you know, when the State Agricultural Society...

started arranging this trip?

When? I'll get the coffee.

Nobody wants any coffee. Well, then stop saying "when."

We started two years ago to obtain the cooperation of the French government.

Through our joint efforts,

the French farmers agreed to house our group in their homes without any cost.

$300 would have been the entire price.

- But I had-- - Well, if you can charter a plane...

and fly 10 people to Europe and back at that price,

all I can say is, bon voyage.

Uh, that means, "Have a good trip." I know what it--

Mr. Tep-- [ Door Closes ]

Oh, for-- Come on. We'd better go and pack.

What for? So we get a good seat on the plane.

Lisa, there is no plane.

Mr. Douglas, can I borrow $31 from you?

All I've got is $47, and that'll make it an even 78 for my plane ticket.

There isn't any plane!

There isn't? Then I wonder what everybody went up to Pixley Airport to look at.

Well, there she is, Mr. Douglas.

What is that?

That's the plane we're goin' to Europe in.

Come on. Where did you dig that up?

Uh, we didn't dig it up. We took it down.

Yeah, it, uh, used to be on top of my cousin's diner.

Did you ever see his place out on Highway 27?

- The High Flyer. - The High--

She's all set to go, Mr. Douglas.

We stopped by the fillin' station, had the oil changed and checked the tires.

When do we leave? Tuesday morning.

We take off at 8:00 sharp.

That'll get us into Chicago early Sunday afternoon.

Five days to get into Chicago?

Well, it's nearly 300 miles.

We figure to go in easy stages.

Now, we leave Chicago Sunday and arrive in New York eight days later.

If you get a pilot. What idiot is gonna fly that?

- We figured you would. - Me?

You're the only idiot we know that can fly.

I wouldn't get in that plane, let alone fly it.

Now I figure we should make it from New York to Greenland...

in approximately 10 days--

providin' we don't make too many comfort stops.

Now, from Greenland to Ireland,

it is exactly 2200 miles.

- How long will that take? - Six months-- if they have a tailwind.

Well, you folks heard what the pilot said,

now you better have lots of food.

Is there anymore questions? I have one.

Have you cleared this flight with the Federal Aviation Agency?

- Who are they? - They supervise all airplane flights in this country.

I work for them. My name is Carter.

How do you do? Who's the pilot...

- of that magnificent craft? - Mr. Douglas.

May I see your license? I don't have a license.

You don't have a license? He don't need one. He was a flyer in the war.

Look, I don't have any intention of flying that plane anywhere.

Good, because nobody's flying that plane.

I'm grounding it permanently. Good day.

How do you like that? Boy, pretty high-handed.

Yeah.

Why do you suppose the government is trying to keep us from going?

I don't know, but we ain't gonna let 'em get away with it.

Sabotage? Who are we supposed to be sabotaging?

Well, it's a little complicated, sir.

There's this group of farmers in Hooterville who were supposed to go to France.

They didn't have enough money to go on a regular airline, so they chartered one,

and it was grounded by the F.A.A.

The flight's been canceled.

Now the French papers are accusing us of being cheapskates.

- What? - Hah. You oughta see what the Russians are saying.

Aw, forget it. It'll all blow-- [ Ringing ]

Hello.

Who? Yes, uh, put him on.

It's the man on Pennsylvania Avenue.

- [ President Speaking, Indistinct ] - Yes, sir. I was reading it.

[ President, Indistinct ]

No, sir. I don't know how the Russians got wind of it.

- [ President, Indistinct ] - B-But, sir, we have no appropriations for--

- [ President, Indistinct ] - Petty cash?

[ Indistinct ] Yes, sir. Right away, sir.

Clyde, buy 10 plane tickets to France.

Here's your ticket, Hank. Thank you.

And yours, Fred. Mm.

Here's yours, Newt, Mrs. Douglas, and Mr. Douglas.

These are free? Courtesy of the State Department in Washington.

Doggone! I take back everything I said.

The government sure likes us.

Wait a minute. I'm not too sure about that.

These are one-way.

[ Lisa ] This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.